Good morning,
I’m not going to write too long this morning as I want to make it to my spiritual center. I’m already late, but at least I’ll get there before they start talking if I hurry up.
Wanted to see Will…
I know. My date. From a material perspective, worst date ever. From a spiritual perspective, best date ever. I wrote my blog saying that all kinds of things could have happened to make this man late, and they did. Right as he was leaving his house to get me, he got a call. A tragedy in his family. Hospitals. People’s lives on the line. There was nothing he could do at the moment but all of his family was reaching out to him to save them… He resisted the desire to stay home and punch the wall and cry and came on the date with me anyway.
But he was really disturbed. Me? Of course I was disappointed. I was looking forward to Rico Sauve in a limo, a fancy dinner somewhere, maybe some dancing, a romantic surprise (a girl can dream, can’t she?), but instead I got some pouty dude with family issues and a cafe with tomato soup. It was the same cafe I had had my writing meeting at a couple weeks ago. I wanted to leave. I was mad. I bought a new dress for this??? But then I thought of something.
He was sitting there, all distraught and stuff, trying to pay attention to me, but he couldn’t. I thought of all the times I was breaking down or going through something, or so busy in my mind that my hair was falling out, and I would date some dude, who claimed to really like me, but he wouldn’t help me. As I was breaking down, he would ask me if I wanted to go watch a movie. Or he would try to hit on me. None of his actions towards me would help solve the problem I was having, but yet these dudes would claim to care about me.
I looked at this man, trying so hard, and I decided that I wasn’t gonna be that person. That selfish person who can’t see beyond her wants. That one who is always trying to get something. I made a conscious decision that I was actually going to care for him in that moment. I’m embarrassed to say this, but it was the first time in my grown woman life that I had done that. I mean, I’ve done it before just naturally, but this was the first time that I had had that thought and cared about some dude, in spite of my wants on purpose.
He was on the phone talking to some family member about whatever, and I stopped rolling my eyes. I massaged the back of his neck and shoulders. It was all I could do to help. He stopped talking on the phone. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “Thank you”, he said. “For what?” I asked. He said he couldn’t explain it, but he had felt like a child shivering in the cold, and I had just put a blanket over him. It was a beautiful moment…
And I realized that I have been out of use. I have this deep, deep well of Love in me, it’s deeper than most, and it’s been out of use, just sitting here in my room in my own world. There are people who would want me to the massage them and love them, but then they fall in love and want all this other stuff that I don’t want to give, so I hold back from them because I end up feeling guilty and blah blah blah. But this guy, I was able to give just what I wanted to give and he was able to receive it without asking for anything else. It was a Lovely moment of synchronicity.
I stayed home all day yesterday trying to sort things out in my head. A veil is lifting, Allah. I am the observer and the participant. A veil is lifting. My life is not about being a fancy writer and starting whatever projects around the world and making a bunch of money. All of that will come. It is already coming. You have already ordained it. It’s not about fancy dinners and fun. That’s a part of it, too.
What moves me, though, is what lies beneath. The deep, deep, connections that we have with each other. The yummy sharing of a smile. It is so sweet. Leaning up against a friend while watching a TV show. Giving Love on purpose and being brave enough to receive. Letting go of everything that ever stopped you from living this way. It’s so beautiful, God. I am so thankful that I get to experience living this way, that I get to participate in my life on purpose.
Thank You so much. Thank You. Thank You. Thank You.
Ameen.
Day 267
Connections
Hi. I’m sitting at home waiting on My One. Mad. Don’t even want to call him My One right now. He’s late. Super late.
I’m getting all sad now. Anxiety. Is this date gonna be a bust? Why is this date such a huge deal for me? I went all out in preparation. Even bought a new dress and put on make-up. Feeling like he didn’t even plan for me. About to cry…
I mean, I told him he could come whenever after 7:30, but he said he’d be here around 7:30 and it’s an hour later. Yes, it rained in LA today. Yes, there’s a lot of traffic…
I’m about to cry. Disappointed. Oh Lord, please calm down the angry, fearful woman in me that wants to send him a text right now and tell him not to come and smash the phone against the wall. Please tell her that everything is going to be all right. Please tell her that everything is all right. If I cry, I’m going to have to redo my make-up and my eyes are going to be red… Too late.
How and why did I beef this man up in my head to already be my husband? Lord why are You making me face the fear of disappointment on such a grand scale? Putting a seemingly perfect man right in front of my face and then making him a flawed tardy bird? Haven’t I been disappointed enough? Jeez, what if he’s not perfect?
That’s the question of the day, isn’t it? What if he’s not perfect? He’s not perfect, is he?
-No.
I gave him complete leeway to plan a first date for us and impress me. He’s never done this before, has he?
-Not in a long time. This is a big deal for him, too. He is like you. Nervous. Shooting himself in the foot. Using every ounce of his willpower and prayer to stop from self sabotaging. It is a miracle that he did not get in a car accident. This is his growth moment. Just like you.
Wow. You mean he’s not a hero? A knight in shining armor coming to fix everything?
-No. You are each other’s heroes. He is not perfect. Just like you…
He’s just a man. Waiting for his other half. Just like you. Waiting for your other half. But he is a good man. Made from the best of stuff. And unlike many, he is willing to face his demons, willing to risk getting in a car accident, willing to step into the fear of shooting himself in the foot, for the possibility of a life come true. And he doesn’t even know what he’s doing. Just like you. You two are brave, brave souls finding each other.
So stop crying now. Queen. The night hasn’t even started. Wipe your tears and accept the truth here. Now. Give what you want to receive. The acceptance of your flaws and all. You want someone to stay and enjoy even when you show up late, don’t you? (And you usually do). See his heart. Look, now. See his heart. You see the light gets brighter when you look. Give him an encouraging word. He’s bummed out, too. Get over these immediate first response emotions and move deeper into emotional maturity.
See.. the tears stop. Your eyes will be white before he arrives… Lol… Now get up and go have the time of your life!
Ameen.
Day 266
What If We’re Not Perfect?
This is the best part of my life.
I am loving this initiation. It’s not the most exciting part. It’s not the first time I fell in love or the first time I traveled the world where everything was big and new. It’s not my first fancy job or coming to Hollywood and meeting famous people for the first time. There’s nothing brand new going on, but this is such a good time. Everything is new.
Why? Because I’m rebuilding. But this time I’m building from a solid foundation.
I work a nine to five for the County with a bunch of misfits. About twenty of us got hired at the same time and everyone has a story. About half of our stories are about loss and redemption. One lady’s grown-up son was murdered a year ago and she had a melt-down. Another girl was homeless and on welfare until she got that job. An older man had been a supervisor at the County years ago. He had left to start a business and his business went under. Then he came back. Another coworker was a doctor in his country, but couldn’t find a job when he came to America. Our County job is a breath of fresh air for all of us. A place to start rebuilding.
I feel so blessed to be working with these people. I’ve been telling some of my coworkers about my budding romance with My One. We’ll be going on our first date on Friday and I told my coworkers about it, and guess what? They’re going shopping with me during lunch tomorrow so I can get an outfit and some new shoes! I need new shoes. I gave all my shoes away when I went overseas earlier this year. I figured I could get some new shoes much quicker than the people I gave them to could get any.
And tomorrow I’m getting new shoes. Some good quality ones. And a new outfit. With good threading. I have supportive coworkers. It’s really nice to share my life with people. I didn’t know it could be this nice. Where have I been?
I think this is the best part of my life because I am aware of the things I’m experiencing. I know when I’m mad. I know when I’m happy. I know when I’m doing things to please others or when I’m doing it just for myself. It’s not just like some big puppeteer is pulling my strings all the time without me knowing. I know myself pretty well. Also, I’m actually present when I’m experiencing things. Like, at work, when I’m talking to one person, I’m not thinking about how nice it would be to talk to another person. I am where I am when I’m there and I’ve never been like that before.
I am really grateful to be experiencing this part of my life, God. I am grateful that I can be happy while a thing is happening, instead of waiting until it’s over to appreciate it. I’m grateful that I can share with so many people from so many places, and my sharing is authentic. I’m grateful to be comfortable and confident enough to be my authentic self, flaws and all. Oh, all of the cleansing tears that I have cried. I am so grateful for them, purging everything.
There is still more to be cleansed, but I’m grateful to know that it can be cleansed with my intention to cleanse it.
I’m grateful for my life. Thank you, Allah.
What I’ve learned is that tears will come. Confusion, fear, pain, all of those things are just part of a life. Even if you don’t personally experience them all the time, if you just look outside you will see all kinds of heartbreak every single day. But we live on. If we make it through the night and open our eyes, we live on. And we have a choice. As hard as it may be, we have a choice.
We can fight. We can fight for the Love in our hearts to shine through again. We can fight for clarity. We’re always fighting for all this other stuff. We can fight for peace of mind. We can fight for a clear conscience and we can fight to be free of our addictions. We can fight for the strength to get off the bed when the thought seems impossible.
We can fight for our lives.
Grace is everywhere. It really is. And we just have fight a little bit. Just a little bit. And slowly but surely, things change, inch by inch, day by day. If you work on a creative project for fifteen minutes a day, five days a week, eventually you will finish it. If you sweat for just five minutes a day, eventually you will lose five, ten, fifty plus pounds. And if you just get off the bed every day, eventually you will walk out of the door. Or you will walk to your computer and take an action that will change what happens the next day.
And God will help. God will speed things along…
You might find yourself having a moment like this. Remembering your life last year as if it was a past life. Another person. You will see someone who is doing the things that you used to do, and you will empathize with them, instead of judging them. “I used to sit in a corner and not talk to anyone and feel sad because I didn’t have any friends,” you will think. And then you will reach out to that shy person that sits in a corner because you will know them and you will know what they are going through. And you just might make a wonderful new friend because you know how to be a friend now. You know what that means…
This is how Grace works. There is a reaching. We are all reaching for something, even when we’re not reaching. We may be sitting at home trying not to do anything at all because we are afraid and we want safety. Even that is an exercise of the will. And wherever there’s a will, there’s a will. There’s another person, another situation, something out there that is reaching for you. It’s like when I sold my rusty old station wagon. It was me, reaching. Wanting to sell this thing. Seemed impossible. And somewhere out there, there was this young rapper dude reaching, too. Searching for a rusty old station wagon. We kept reaching until we found each other. He paid me more money than I had asked for and he spent less money than he had planned.
That is called Grace.
Keep reaching and don’t mess up your answered prayer by putting a limit on what you think it should look like. I never imagined some young Filipino rapper dude was gonna buy my car, but that’s what God sent me.
You know what I always think? You’re gonna keep living anyway. Life isn’t gonna stop because you hide out in a room and don’t go for what you want. You might as well keep reaching. The other part of the puzzle is somewhere in the world reaching out to you. Find it. Keep reaching until you find it…
Ameen.
Day 265
Keep Reaching. The Other Half Of Desire Is Fulfillment.
I’m procrastinating.
Completion anxiety. Well, not really. Kind of procrastinating. About to finish a project that I was supposed to do almost three months ago and my emotions running wild.
Just got into a big text argument with the guy who was supposed to draw pics for my children’s book. The one who flaked on me. For the third time. I’ve known him for a long time. Over fourteen years. He’s a fantastic artist and he used to be a really good friend.
So, he flaked on my book and then acted like nothing happened. Started sending me text messages asking about the weather and yoga and stuff. I didn’t respond to them. Tonight, as I was procrastinating, I decided that I would respond and I told him off, calling him selfish and calling him a bad friend. He retorted by telling me off and essentially just defending all of his actions and telling me he wasn’t going to be my punching bag or kiss my feet.
We kept going back and forth until I started crying, and then I had to stop. Lol. I’m not that good of a fighter anymore.
I took a step back and looked at the situation. It was not about the children’s book at all. It was about our relationship dynamic. We hated each other. I realized that I could have given him all the money and time in the world to draw those pics and he still wouldn’t have done it. And if some miracle happened and some angel worked through his hands and he just happened to draw those pics for me, I still would have thrown daggers at him. Because we hated each other. We had both hurt each other so much in the past and we had never let it go. We were both holding so much resentment…
I decided to say sorry. I was sorry. I am sorry. I had probably hurt him in ways that I’m not even aware of. And it matters. It makes a difference. I don’t need him to draw my pics. I just needed to say sorry and be done with all this.
Somehow it became very real to me that we might not get forever to get things right. We may not get forever to say sorry or to tell someone about an offense and give them an opportunity to redeem themselves.
My heart is feeling revived. He may never let it go. He may never forgive me. It may be another lifetime before he says sorry to anyone about anything. It’s OK. I think I’ve done my part.
At the end of the day, all we can do is our part. The chips will fall as they may, and, God willing, sooner than later, we will meet someone who has the same MO as us.
I am grateful for this argument. I see what a bad friend I have been to my friend, holding on this project for so long without finishing it. I could have done it. I can do it tonight. It’s going to be challenging. It’s going to be a sacrifice. I’m going to have to face my completion anxiety and learn some skills and be up all night. I’m going to have to stretch a little more, but I know this is gonna be a good thing.
You know, we run away. We run away from discomfort. We run away from challenges or anything that might make us cry or actually have to talk to someone when we don’t agree with them. We are such small children, throwing tantrums and exiting the lives of those we love, making ourselves miserable and fighting instead of just caring about each other. Instead of being kind and trying to see another’s point of view.
We take and take and we give when it’s easy, when it pleases us, but ask us to walk in the cold night to make a sick friend some tea and not ask for anything in return. Ask us to finish a project for someone we love when the task is causing us anxiety. Ask us to just shut up for once, even when we’re mad, because we know that our words may cause irreparable unnecessary damage to someone we care about. Ask us to compromise, to give up something of little importance so that someone we cherish will feel cherished. Ask us to give up the need to always be right and we are not willing…
I think we got it wrong somewhere. With all this “Love yourself” and “don’t compromise” talk. I think we missed the point. Loving yourself doesn’t mean sitting in a bubble pampering yourself while the whole world falls apart. Loving yourself inevitably means sharing love with another. It’s one of the deepest human needs. And staying true to yourself (aka not compromising) doesn’t mean that you always do what you want to do when you want to do it all the time only when it feels good to you. It means taking the time to figure out who you are (that’s step one) and then living accordingly. So if you have decided that you are a loyal friend (whatever that means), but then you disappear whenever a friend shakes your emotions up a bit, you’re not being true to yourself. You’re being a coward.
We ask for so many things that we are not willing to give. Love, Compassion, Kindness, Peace, Safety, Support.
We think that somehow we can trick the universe. No one will know the thoughts in our heads. No one will know about our lies and resentments. Our unforgiveness. Ha. No one will know when we hope someone else suffers because of what we feel they’ve done to us. It’s a lie. Even if no one ever knows, it’s all energy. I am starting to be able to see it, in myself and in others. It is the dark cloud of resentment that precedes a person before they enter a room. It is the red fire that walks with the angry gangster. It is the pale, peaceful blue that follows one who has cleaned his heart. It is the shifty eyes of one with so much confusion and pain…
We are foolish enough to think that no one will know who we really are, but everyone knows, even the babies who can’t articulate it, but cry when they are held by certain people.
God, I would like you to find me clean. Not better than everyone, just clean. My real self now. My original self. I would like my aura to be clear blue, like water. Soft, like cotton candy. I will stay up late at night and cry my eyes out. It’s OK. I will fight whoever until I get to the root of all of the disharmony with all of the relationships I’ve ever had. It’s OK. It doesn’t always feel good, but it’s good medicine.
Lord, I am willing to be all of the things I’ve prayed for. A Giver, not just a Taker. A Lover. A Comforter. A Supporter. Not just when it’s easy. Not just for the people who seek those things. I am willing to be those things whenever it is good for me to be those things…
Teach me how to be in this world. Take over and mold me in the areas where I am weak, the blind spots that I can not see.
My One is on a whole ‘nother level and I’m trying to get ready before I see him this weekend. The least I can do is clean myself up and be ready. The least I can do is give my life a chance…
Day 264
What Lives In Must Come Out
God, I can’t breathe.
Good morning. My whole body is tingling. My thoughts are running wild with so many visions. I can’t sleep for more than four hours. I can’t breathe.
I am excited. Super excited. Overly excited. Like the way I felt when I first sent an email out to a production exec at a major studio telling her about one of my scripts. Overwhelmed with the thought of so many possibilities.
I need to come to You, God, read some of Your words this morning, breathe, meditate, move my body around, move forward by fulfilling another past-due promise. I have been here before. Just on the other side of a dream come true. I’m not just talking about a man, I’m talking about my whole life. My writing. My overseas help the world project. My health. My finances. My social life. I am just on the other side of a dream come true, so close I can taste it.
I can’t even sit still, which is kind of good, because I wake up in the middle of the night needing to do work, and there is a lot of work to be done.
So. I’ve been here before. In almost land. They say almost doesn’t count, but I think it does. We learn a lot from almost.
I spoke with my mom yesterday. She was telling me about the things going on in her life and the lives of my siblings. It had been some time since we’d talked. I had forgotten. About family dynamics. About personalities. About the internal motivations that compel anyone to take any kind of action. I’m on some other stuff. In my family, but not of it.
I just don’t care about certain things anymore. Some people will be prideful. People will be mean. Some will be nice. Some are motivated by guilt or the desire to please and save. Some need to feel better than others to think their life is worth something. And on and on. Some will fight with their lives just for the right to choose. Some, like me, are endlessly stubborn. The list goes on and on. It really doesn’t matter to me. I finally get it. People will be who they are. We are all on our own paths to try and make sense of this vast universe and our place in it. It’s not my place to try and make a person be a certain way. That’s playing God. They will change or not if and when they want to. What matters to me is how we treat each other along the way.
This entry is not focused. I haven’t thought of a topic for the day yet, but I’m just going to keep writing. I won’t delete this one and start over. This part of the process has meaning, too. There are times when we are inspired to move in a certain direction. We can’t figure out why. There is no outline. But as we move, and put one foot in front of the other, the vision becomes clear and we find ourselves at the heart of our heart’s deepest desire.
This part of my life has been long and arduous. There have been so many times that I haven’t understood so much. There have been times when I thought I was losing my mind, when I didn’t know how I was gonna eat or pay my bills, when I had to sleep on couches or in a car or with a crazy pouncing cat because I couldn’t pay my bills. There have been times when I have felt so alone, like the only person in the world and there have been times when I’ve felt like the closest people to me were my enemies. I have experienced being unloved by the people I loved. I felt so, so sorry for myself. And I have cried so much that I can’t see how I have any tears left. I have freaked out and had panic attacks and random body pains when just thinking about working on my script. And I have tried my very best at things and still failed nonetheless.
And here I am, standing at the cusp of a dream life come true. The vision of me on top of the hill is becoming clearer and clearer. I see the type of partner that I need to walk with for the rest of this journey. A good, kind, sweet, strong heart like me. A man with a vision. Nothing else will do. I see the work that I am to do, but somehow, I know that once I do the work I am to do, the vision will become bigger and there will be more fulfilling work to do.
The figuring out part, all that sad, ugly stuff, has been such a blessing. And I would never deny another person the possibility of having the suffering that will make them into who they are. The initiation.
So I stand here, on the cusp of my dreams come true, my dream life come true. I see all the old stuff that has come before. The nervousness and potential anxiety. The simultaneous fear of success and fear of failure and the fear of standing still and the fear of movement and the fear of change. I see a big fat beehive surrounding all of the unknown that I am stepping into. But this time, I see it for what it is. It’s just a beehive. It’s just fear. It’s just anxiety and worry. That’s it. It has no power over me. Nobody said this would be easy. Nobody said that the possibility of death and annihilation wouldn’t always exist.
We have run away before. Remember? All those “almost” moments? We have closed our eyes and walked blindly into our future before. We have started fighting the bees and gotten stung all over till we passed out. We’ve done all that. And we have learned and become better because of it.
And now we can walk towards the fulfillment of our dreams with open eyes, Guided and Clear. We know that no matter how far we run, our dreams will always haunt us, telling us to try again. And so We try again. This time we see everything for what it is. And we breathe easy. The dream was planted so that we could have it. We walk. God is for us and not against us. We walk. With faith. With poise. With confidence. With humility. With Love. Our lives are ours for the having.
And We let it be.
Ameen.
Day 263
On The Cusp Of A Life Come True
Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God.
I can’t sleep. It’s 5:30 am and I went to sleep at 1:30 am, but I can’t sleep.
My body and mind and Spirit are abuzz.
Oh my God. And even just now. The well has opened up. Oh my God. It’s real. The well has opened up!
This is an incident, but it’s not just this. The well has opened up! The guy who I thought had disappeared, the online fabulous guy, he hadn’t. He had written me an email giving his phone number and saying he wanted to meet up more than a day earlier, but for some reason I never received it. After writing my blog yesterday, I decided to just be a big girl and ask him if he was OK and if he’d lost interest. I asked. He was OK. He was intrigued by me.
We talked. Last night. I Love him. OK. I know I can’t say I Love him this early, but I Love him. The thought of him got me off the bed this morning. The thought of him makes my womb smile. The thought of him makes me want to pay back all my debts and free up my time pronto and make my place all feminine and buy new clothes and do my nails. The thought of him makes me want to lose this belly once and for all. It makes me want to be all that I can be. All of it. I think he can handle me. I don’t think he’ll run. I think I could pray with him and he wouldn’t get scared of my power. I think he would embrace it.
And this just dawning on me. The former guys I’ve liked. They always seemed like they’d run. What I mean is, they had never been coming towards me at the same time that I was coming towards them. If I looked their way, they ran away, and vice versa.
He is coming towards me at the same time as I am coming towards him. WE HAVE THE SAME SPIRITUAL BELIEFS!!! He prays and practices. He comes from a down and out background (so he understands) and he has triumphed over so much adversity, but he’s humble and even a bit shy. And he’s strong and active. Powerful. Wow. Handsome. Flirty but not offensive.
He’s it, isn’t he? He’s my answered prayer. Maybe… Maybe. He told me that he has come so far in life and now he needs to be Loved, and I understood. He doesn’t mean he needs to be loved in a needy kind of way, he meant that there are times on your path when it is good to do it alone, and there are times when a partner is needed to evolve to the next step. He is at that point where a partner is needed, and so am I. I’ve been praying for him. I Love him, Allah. I Love the idea of him.
A part of my mind is entertaining this thought that he is too good to be true, that I am speaking too soon, and I’d like to rebuke that part of my mind for a moment, tell it to shut up. Put some tape over it’s mouth. Quiet, now. Let me imagine that it’s actually possible that I, me, Laydie, could fall for a fabulous guy and he could fall for me at the same time. Let me imagine that it’s possible that he wouldn’t hurt me, but would protect me. For once, without the thought being coated with fear, let me see someone touching my womb while a baby grows inside. He will not run. He will not disappear. He will not lie to me. Oh, let me imagine that my prayer could actually be answered and not just be some dream never to be fulfilled. Let me imagine that my prayer has been answered and the well has burst open and I have met my match. A King. A humble King who is living with purpose on Earth. A humble king who knows You and relies on You. A bonafide man who isn’t scared of woman. Let me imagine the possibility of answered prayer…
You have given me a visual. Someone like him exists. I don’t think I’ve ever spoken to a guy who seemed as compatible with me as he does. He asked about our kids (yeah he’s just as crazy as me). He said when he gives me sons, and I called him out on it and he didn’t back down. He reminds me of Mr. Almost Famous. Easy. Trustworthy. Something in you knows they will keep their word. The only difference is this one, My One, actually has his eye on me and he’s actually in the same city as me and he’s actually the right religion.
I am not afraid to speak these things this morning. I am not afraid to be a little girl crushing on a guy and writing in my journal about it. I am not afraid to be excited again. I am OK with being vulnerable. Why am I not afraid even though I know I could potentially be utterly disappointed and heartbroken?
In the open door lies all possibility, and the possibility for the good is pulling me more than the fear of the bad. I keep my eye on the good, that I may know it when it arrives.
Go with the flow, You say. Allow Me to be your guide. Don’t worry about the future. If he’s yours, he’s yours. He will declare it and there will be no doubt in you. Your answered prayer is here. Open up the gates and let the water flow freely. Your answered prayer is here…
Ameen.
Day 262
When The Water Runs Free
Hey there,
This is the third blog in a row where I’m having one of those days.
I think I’d like to do something different today, though.
Circumstances: Waiting to hear back from producer about script. Extreme anxiety. Met seemingly fabulous guy online yesterday. We chatted. Mutual interest. He asked me to share my deep thoughts about stuff. I did. He disappeared. Mr. Chemistry with the wrong mental atmosphere is not trying to disappear. Couldn’t remember why I didn’t like him so hung out with him again. Like-able enough but don’t want to be with him. Doesn’t matter why. No need to sort it out. Just don’t want to.
Getting new job offers. Jobs I didn’t even apply for. Saw my resume wherever. Lot of money. Out of state. Movement. Maybe. Yes. Finally cleaned my apartment and able to visualize a paint pattern and decorations. Don’t want to move. Why not? Lot of money equals out of debt for good. Why not? What’s keeping me here? No answer. Empty apartment but stable. Finally stable here.
Empty. Saw ex yesterday. Empty. Sad. I’m sorry. Hearts are fragile. Be more careful…
Went to a training at work today. Among strangers. We had to break out into groups and pick a leader. They picked me. I stand out. Always. Don’t always like it.
Here I am, God, doing something different. Circumstances on my mind. Why have I been in this emotional rut lately? I’m falling apart on the inside and I don’t even know why. The worst thing is, I don’t think there’s anyone who can help. You say I don’t need any help. I can help myself. I’ve heard that all my life. Strong, strong me. Sometimes a girl just wants a hero. Sometimes a girl just wants things to be easy. Sometimes a girl just wants to be there already, instead of continually striving. Meet the right guy for once, settle in for once, stop crying for once, dance again, do the work I thought You sent me to do.
-Then do it, You say.
Sigh… I gets no compassion here. I gets no pity, You say. I am strong. Deal with it. I am a leader. Deal with it. I am powerful. Deal with it. People will run. People will hate. People will not be ready to be with a girl like me. People will feel small and pick on whatever they can to make themselves feel better. And sometimes, on nights like this, you will be alone with your feelings and your thoughts, knowing that you don’t need a hero. Not tonight.
You need to deal with yourself. All of yourself. All of it. Your power. Say that word again. Power. Think that word again. Power power power power power. It’s a part of it. Do not reject the fact that you are powerful. It is a part of you.
Let us do something different tonight. Lets be all of ourselves. Instead of crying and whining and going to sleep, let’s be all the parts of ourselves that we have been rejecting. The strong part. The powerful part. The brave part. The woman that everyone always picks to lead everything. Let’s be her. Because she is you. And she can deal with these emotions.
She knows that these past three blogs are just a part of the story. She knows that she can get up and finish some of the projects that have been hanging over her head for some time. Tonight. She knows that she can tell these dudes no. She knows that there are other artists for her books and she can reach out to them and someone will say yes. She knows there is a producer who will love her movie and she knows that her life is not dependent on living in any particular place. She knows Me. The wise part of you. She knows Me.
I want to talk to her tonight and tell her to get up! Get up, now. This is not the time to sit down and cry. This is the time to act in spite of your tears, in spite of your confusion, in spite of the fact that you have no idea how anything you ever dreamed of will ever work out. This is the time to tap into your Power, Laydie, your whole self. You can still be the shy, sensitive sweetheart, but tonight, We are going to be the shy, sensitive, strong, wise, faithful, powerful, Queenly sweetheart who knows what she knows. And We are going to look at our circumstances and deal with them from the vantage point of who We really are.
We get to be our own hero tonight. It’s just a part of who we are…
Ameen
Day 261
Deal With Yourself. All of Yourself
(Deal With It. All of It.
Good evening…
Eyes closed. Lights off.. Holding back because all kinds of negativity bubbling up inside of me.
One of those days. A quit my job and run off with some man kind of day…
Met new dude. Yesterday. Well, didn’t meet him yesterday but hung out with him yesterday. Good chemistry but not enough. Wrong mental atmosphere.
Gave script to producer yesterday. Don’t know what he will say. Scared. Kind of. Resigned. Mostly.
Alone. Not bored. Kind of. Just alone. People within reach. I know. Reaching for something else, though. Something missing. Something filling. Feeling.
Want to feel again. So many wants. Want to feel again.Be excited about anything. Anyone. So much work to do. Never ending. Never caught up.
Catch up. Catch up, You say. Catch up… Be finished with something. Have a thing fulfilled. Finish something.
My movie is going to get made, isn’t it? Why am I sad about it? Why am I sad, today, God, without cause? What is this feeling about? This utter quiet?
I don’t want to run outside and be with people. I don’t want anyone over, but there is a wanting in me. A missing in me. What is it?
I’ve been wanting this guy to draw pics for my children’s book for years. He was the original artist I had in mind. We fell out a few times and I sought out other artists, good ones, but I wrote the book with his drawings in mind… I just got a text with him telling me that he’s not going to do it. Finally telling me he’s not going to do it… Now he wants to know how I’m doing.
Cowards. I’m surrounded by them. Maybe I am one, that’s why I know so many. We have things to do in our lives, destinies etched in our souls, and we are so caught up in our littleness. Of course I’m angry with him because he’s the perfect artist for this and he just doesn’t want to do it because he’s scared he’s gonna like me.
Can I punch him in the face? Just bless him, You say. You didn’t meet at the same place at the same time. Just bless him and let it go.
God, I don’t like to be the strongest person I know. I don’t like to be the only one who cares about the things I care about. I don’t like to be the only one who would really go to the ends of the Earth for the ones I Love.
I am tired of being disappointed and lied to. I’m tired of not being Loved. I’m tired of men looking at me like I’m some sort of prize to be put on the shelf or some hero chick to save them from wandering in the wilderness while they spit on me and forget about me. They don’t see me and they don’t take the time to develop themselves so that they can feel comfortable and confident being with me…
I am tired of all the cowards. I am mad at them… At least that’s something to feel… I’m alive after all.
Geez.
I’m even tired of complaining now. I said I wasn’t going to complain. Does that count as complaining?
Bless them anyway, You say. Bless yourself anyway, even when you’re tired, You say.
How can I make life exciting again, without a man? How can I feel alive again? I miss being alive so bad.
Stop being a coward, You say. I am a coward, too, huh? Not with Love, but with other things. I am coward with my finishing. I can understand cowards and have compassion.
They are afraid of the unknown. We are afraid of the unknown. The drastic change that will take place once we take the next step. The finishing of stuff. It means we will have to find other stuff to occupy our minds. New stuff. If we do that thing we’ve been dreaming of for so long, what is the dream that will keep us moving every day. The unknown is so big and so unpredictable. At least here, we know what to expect. No surprises. No big, explosive feelings having us lose our breath. Hold on to what we have known. The loves we have known, the plans we have known. Hold on, because out there, outside of what we have known, it may be worse.
Someone might hurt us. Maybe we’ll fail. Maybe we won’t get back up if we fall… Lies. Maybe. Better to play it safe…
Or not. Cowards all around me reminding me that this will not do! This will not do. This will not do for my life. This death life will not do. My feelings are too deep for me to just be sitting around not loving anyone. I have too much to give to just be pushing papers 9 to 5 every day. This time is over already, God?
I am afraid, though. Let’s just be honest. I am afraid. I don’t even know what I’m afraid of. I’m just afraid. To finish stuff. To have a whole different experience of life. I want it so bad that I’m scared to want it because then I’ll hope for it and I don’t know if I can stand being disappointed, and I want to believe what they say, that I won’t be disappointed because You put these soul callings in me and You won’t disappoint me, but I don’t believe it all the way. I just want to believe it.
What are your options, You ask. We know that this will not do. This fearful way will just not do. You are missing your Life. Your Life is calling you. That is the emptiness you feel. Take your place. Do not be amongst the cowards anymore. You may be afraid but face your fears regardless and see that you will not die. And if you die, you will die full of Life and Grace instead of the slow death that is taking hold of you now. There is work to be done. I know, it all ends anyway, but you are Here Now, so be Here Now and participate amongst the living. You can source the Light and bring it to the world and there are others like you, too. You are not alone. Take your place, Now, and Live…
Day 260
A Message For Cowards
Hi there. Good morning.
I feel kind of bad after talking about Jesus. Just want to make a disclaimer here. I like Jesus and I know that what he represents has done a lot to bring people peace and a sense of wellbeing in the world. I have nothing against him and nothing against Christians or anyone who practices any other religion. I just get a little frustrated when people try and persuade me to follow their spiritual path when I have already told them what I believe. I think it’s really disrespectful…
But moving on. Good morning again. It’s one of those mornings. An empty morning. The sun just rose. The day is starting. I’m off work today, but I have a lot of work to do. A meeting tonight about my writing. Some projects to finish for friends… Need to make an appointment to go back to the doctor because my wrist still hurts. Bills to pay.
My roommate moved out day before yesterday. The apartment seems so big without his presence. Too big for one person…
I’m feeling a little alone, God. Just a little empty this morning. Like I want to reach out and touch someone. Like I want to run outside and just be a part of the world, not just the world of my clean apartment and my folded clothes. I want to participate in the living, the people.
Let me be honest, God. I get tired sometimes. I get really tired. The aloneness seems never-ending. Oh, there are people. There is always some guy wanting to spend time. But they want something from me, usually something I don’t want to give. And it’s draining and I end up feeling all guilty like I’m leading them on. That doesn’t interest me. And there are girls. But they have all these major self-esteem issues and they are jealous and unhappy and liars. I wouldn’t even care about the issues and the lies, but the faking is exhausting. I mean, not exhausting, but just not fulfilling. I leave the exchange not wanting to hang out again.
Because I like deep stuff. Real stuff. The fake stuff is a part of life but it doesn’t feed me.
Last night I talked to one of the guys who wants to spend time with me. He suggested that sometimes it takes a King to bring a Queen out of herself and vice versa. You know, the Celine Dione song, “I’m everything I am because you loved me”. I agree.
Where’s my King, God? When is he coming? I miss him. This Hollywood independent woman ideal is baloney. We were not made to live our lives out just by ourselves. It doesn’t even make sense.
I know, there are other things to do in life besides being with a man. Write, work, blah blah blah, dance. It’s all great. Really, it is. But what I want most in this world is a partner, God. I wasn’t ready before. I had all this junk in my mind and heart. But I’m ready now. I really am. I’ve done a lot of work on myself. A whole lot. I’m gonna be all successful and everything and I pay my rent on my own these days. I have cut all these cords between me and all my random exes. I’m free. It’s just me here now. And I’m even OK with being alone sometimes. I’m not desperate. At least I don’t feel desperate. You see that I turn down dates all the time and it’s not because I don’t want to be around people, it’s because I’m holding out for my King. Where is he? Is he coming? What do I need to do? Tell me what to do, please. I’m ready for the next part of life, now. The partner part. I’m ready to participate with other people and see what they bring to the table. I actually like and value other people’s ideas these days. It can’t always just be me. I’m not always the smartest person in the bunch, and I don’t always want to be.
I’d like to know other folks who have a calling and are working towards it. I’d like to know others who know You. Well, I know some of those people already, but I’d like them to actually be a part of my every day physical life. I am grateful for the magicians and alchemists that I have already crossed paths with. The Giants who let me know that there is a whole other way to relate to people. Like, I can actually be my full self and it’s possible that I will still have friends and people who like me and don’t hate on me and try and put me in a box on a shelf. I am grateful to know that.
You are telling me to start with gratitude. When the doubts and fears come. When you have not seen your heart’s desire yet, start with gratitude. See how far you have come. From the dysfunctional relationships and devaluation of your worth to an actual set of standards, from being this needy woman who always thought she needed a man as a stamp of “having a life” to knowing that you already have a life and wanting a partner instead of a hero. From a home of disarray to a clean room. You have a job now. The first full-time job you’ve had in years!
And finally you have decided to live. In fullness. It took a while. Remember? Your brain was full of chaos and fear. Remember? Thriving was not an option. It was all about survival. Remember? You were always running and trying to play small. You didn’t want to dance too big because you didn’t want the dancer girls to hate on you. You didn’t want to love too much because you didn’t want other folks to feel bad. You didn’t want to be too successful because, well, you were just used to being not successful.
It has been two years, but life has changed dramatically. You have a car, free and clear, for God’s sake! Your prayers are constantly being answered, step by step. You see, the woman you were before couldn’t handle the King that you want. You would have messed it all up. Run away or something. You would have treated him bad because you were so afraid of being vulnerable back then, remember? You used to put up all these walls. And you didn’t use to see people. I mean, you were so wrapped up in your desperate survival drama that you really couldn’t focus on anything else.
But things have changed. Your life has changed and I see that you are walking taller now. You don’t care if all eyes are on you when you walk into a room. You embrace it and smile. You look people in the eye and actually care about them. You set standards and boundaries for your life and you are becoming willing to accept the fulfillment of your dreams come true. You weren’t able to do that before, remember? A dream was just a dream, but you didn’t really believe it would come true. You couldn’t even stomach the thought of seeing yourself living the life of your dreams…
I have heard your prayer and I see the work that you are doing, Keep doing it. Keep cleaning out your closets and cleaning out your heart and mind. Make room for your answered prayer. Keep paying your debts. Keep developing your ability to hear Truth and keep practicing Love, receiving and giving. Keep walking in the direction you are guided. Keep knowing that I am for you and not against you.
I have heard your prayer. Your King is already here in the world. He exists. He listens to My voice and he is walking your way as We speak… Ameen… Ameen.
Day 259
When In Doubt (Give Thanks)
Good morning World!
I just wrote 567 words and I’m starting over. Sometimes you need to clear out the gunk before you can get to the point.
“Make a definite decision to accept the fulfillment of your desires.” – The Success Book
That’s what I want to write about this morning.
There is a time to sit still, clean up, make space, and there is a time to act, get out into the world and do. Yesterday I had a come to Jesus moment. A coworker told me all about Jesus and how if I believed in Jesus and accepted him as my lord and savior, he would do everything for me and protect me from everything. My coworker said that I wouldn’t have to worry about suffering or anything and I would be forgiven for everything. He went on to say that we as humans are full of sin and the only way we could get rid of our sin was to be cleansed by the blood of Jesus, who would take away our sin if we believed in him.
I didn’t grow up Christian, and so I don’t have a program me that automatically accepts the Christian doctrine. But I listened to him yesterday. What a concept. You could let someone else carry all of your debt. A reliever. For the first time, I saw the appeal that Jesus has. You could let go of everything, like a little kid and his loving daddy, and no matter what you did, Jesus would make it right if you just let him hold you. When you say it that way, who wouldn’t want to believe in Jesus? Who wouldn’t want someone to automatically relieve them of everything they’ve ever done and everything they may continue to do.
I thought about the Jesus pitch and as I’m sitting here this morning, I have to respectfully decline the offer to come. I’m sorry, Jesus. It’s not my path. I don’t know much, but I know about belief. I live in Los Angeles, where homeless people live next door to millionaires. Prostitutes walk the same streets with holy men. People do yoga every day in the same parks that meth heads buy drugs. I understand about belief. We are all living in the same world. The same streets for God’s sake, but only our belief separates us. Only our world view makes one person come to Jesus while the other reads self-help books and searches her own mind.
The thing about belief is that when you choose one, you are governed by the rules of that world. Jesus sounds cool, but the Jesus world has rules and a system in place. A particular type of Heaven and hell, a way to be in the world. When you choose Jesus, you choose the Jesus world, and I don’t choose the Jesus world.
I choose the world where I can go straight to the Source. And you say, who do I think I am? And I say, why can’t I go straight to the Source. I mean, for real, God, why not? I just can’t get down with the original sin thing. I just can’t believe that we would come out of the womb evil. That You would put us here just to suffer. One day I will make a documentary about You, God, but not today. Not for this blog. I just think a person’s belief is so important. It’s the most important thing because it governs everything else. And when you are confused in your belief, or when we are walking around lying to ourselves about what we believe just because we want a hero, our lives reflect the confusion.
But who am I, right? Who am I to say anything about belief or religion? I’m not a prophet… God, I don’t normally feel confused about the spiritual path I’ve chosen, but yesterday that guy made me feel like something must be wrong with me. He told me that I look like I’m searching. He thinks I am a lost soul, but I don’t think I’m lost. I feel pretty ok with my beliefs. I feel like they serve me well. My heart and mind are more free, my conscience is more clear than it’s ever been in my life. He told me that no matter how good I am or whatever good I do in the world, if I don’t believe in Jesus, then my soul will be forever damned. My momma feels the same way about me not choosing her religious path. She’s always telling me I need to pray the right way so I can be blessed. I usually don’t even pay attention to this kind of talk, but yesterday I listened.
Tell me, now. Am I arrogant, like they say? Should I just come to Jesus or Islam or some path? Why can’t I? Why don’t I believe? Should I? Why don’t the Holy books comfort me? I don’t have to be right about everything. Why do I think that I can go straight to You? Why am I OK with this thought? Is it the devil? Because I feel like I am guided. I feel like You are with me always. I am not sad anymore. I don’t feel guilty about everything anymore. I actually care about people now and I take responsibility for my life. I like my life now…
I remember I used to say these affirmations: I now create a life I like to look at. I like my life now. I like my thoughts. I like what is happening. I like the books I read and the things I’m learning, but they say I am lost. Tell me. Am I lost?
-No.
Is it You talking to me?
-No.
Then who is it?
-Your own mind. Empty it and listen for My Voice. Listen… I am a Gracious God. Hear that. I am a Gracious God, not the author of confusion. You know you are not lost. Know what you know. Know what you know. Know what you know and stand in your knowledge of Self. Seek Truth and ye shall find it. Learn my Voice, it is not your own. Soon the two will be one, and you will live My Voice. The lady at your spiritual center saw it. People see it in you. They see it. They want you on their team. Learn My Voice and it will guide you. You are never lost…
There is no more time for confusion. There is no more time for crying every day and the only thing worth fighting for is the right to be who I am. Today I make a definite decision to accept the fulfillment of my dreams come true. I make a definite, firm decision to accept success in my life. I make a definite, firm decision to be all that is in my spirit to be. In this life. In this time. In this world. Now. No longer a dream, but a life in action. No longer a someday somehow, but a good life today. Today. A Love expressed today. A giving today. A healing today. A accept the fulfillment of a clean room. I accept the payment of debts. I accept the answer to all prayers. I accept my Life Divine… And so it is. Ameen.
Day 258
Jesus and the Lost/Found Souls
