God, I can’t breathe.
Good morning. My whole body is tingling. My thoughts are running wild with so many visions. I can’t sleep for more than four hours. I can’t breathe.
I am excited. Super excited. Overly excited. Like the way I felt when I first sent an email out to a production exec at a major studio telling her about one of my scripts. Overwhelmed with the thought of so many possibilities.
I need to come to You, God, read some of Your words this morning, breathe, meditate, move my body around, move forward by fulfilling another past-due promise. I have been here before. Just on the other side of a dream come true. I’m not just talking about a man, I’m talking about my whole life. My writing. My overseas help the world project. My health. My finances. My social life. I am just on the other side of a dream come true, so close I can taste it.
I can’t even sit still, which is kind of good, because I wake up in the middle of the night needing to do work, and there is a lot of work to be done.
So. I’ve been here before. In almost land. They say almost doesn’t count, but I think it does. We learn a lot from almost.
I spoke with my mom yesterday. She was telling me about the things going on in her life and the lives of my siblings. It had been some time since we’d talked. I had forgotten. About family dynamics. About personalities. About the internal motivations that compel anyone to take any kind of action. I’m on some other stuff. In my family, but not of it.
I just don’t care about certain things anymore. Some people will be prideful. People will be mean. Some will be nice. Some are motivated by guilt or the desire to please and save. Some need to feel better than others to think their life is worth something. And on and on. Some will fight with their lives just for the right to choose. Some, like me, are endlessly stubborn. The list goes on and on. It really doesn’t matter to me. I finally get it. People will be who they are. We are all on our own paths to try and make sense of this vast universe and our place in it. It’s not my place to try and make a person be a certain way. That’s playing God. They will change or not if and when they want to. What matters to me is how we treat each other along the way.
This entry is not focused. I haven’t thought of a topic for the day yet, but I’m just going to keep writing. I won’t delete this one and start over. This part of the process has meaning, too. There are times when we are inspired to move in a certain direction. We can’t figure out why. There is no outline. But as we move, and put one foot in front of the other, the vision becomes clear and we find ourselves at the heart of our heart’s deepest desire.
This part of my life has been long and arduous. There have been so many times that I haven’t understood so much. There have been times when I thought I was losing my mind, when I didn’t know how I was gonna eat or pay my bills, when I had to sleep on couches or in a car or with a crazy pouncing cat because I couldn’t pay my bills. There have been times when I have felt so alone, like the only person in the world and there have been times when I’ve felt like the closest people to me were my enemies. I have experienced being unloved by the people I loved. I felt so, so sorry for myself. And I have cried so much that I can’t see how I have any tears left. I have freaked out and had panic attacks and random body pains when just thinking about working on my script. And I have tried my very best at things and still failed nonetheless.
And here I am, standing at the cusp of a dream life come true. The vision of me on top of the hill is becoming clearer and clearer. I see the type of partner that I need to walk with for the rest of this journey. A good, kind, sweet, strong heart like me. A man with a vision. Nothing else will do. I see the work that I am to do, but somehow, I know that once I do the work I am to do, the vision will become bigger and there will be more fulfilling work to do.
The figuring out part, all that sad, ugly stuff, has been such a blessing. And I would never deny another person the possibility of having the suffering that will make them into who they are. The initiation.
So I stand here, on the cusp of my dreams come true, my dream life come true. I see all the old stuff that has come before. The nervousness and potential anxiety. The simultaneous fear of success and fear of failure and the fear of standing still and the fear of movement and the fear of change. I see a big fat beehive surrounding all of the unknown that I am stepping into. But this time, I see it for what it is. It’s just a beehive. It’s just fear. It’s just anxiety and worry. That’s it. It has no power over me. Nobody said this would be easy. Nobody said that the possibility of death and annihilation wouldn’t always exist.
We have run away before. Remember? All those “almost” moments? We have closed our eyes and walked blindly into our future before. We have started fighting the bees and gotten stung all over till we passed out. We’ve done all that. And we have learned and become better because of it.
And now we can walk towards the fulfillment of our dreams with open eyes, Guided and Clear. We know that no matter how far we run, our dreams will always haunt us, telling us to try again. And so We try again. This time we see everything for what it is. And we breathe easy. The dream was planted so that we could have it. We walk. God is for us and not against us. We walk. With faith. With poise. With confidence. With humility. With Love. Our lives are ours for the having.
And We let it be.
Ameen.
Day 263
On The Cusp Of A Life Come True
Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God.
I can’t sleep. It’s 5:30 am and I went to sleep at 1:30 am, but I can’t sleep.
My body and mind and Spirit are abuzz.
Oh my God. And even just now. The well has opened up. Oh my God. It’s real. The well has opened up!
This is an incident, but it’s not just this. The well has opened up! The guy who I thought had disappeared, the online fabulous guy, he hadn’t. He had written me an email giving his phone number and saying he wanted to meet up more than a day earlier, but for some reason I never received it. After writing my blog yesterday, I decided to just be a big girl and ask him if he was OK and if he’d lost interest. I asked. He was OK. He was intrigued by me.
We talked. Last night. I Love him. OK. I know I can’t say I Love him this early, but I Love him. The thought of him got me off the bed this morning. The thought of him makes my womb smile. The thought of him makes me want to pay back all my debts and free up my time pronto and make my place all feminine and buy new clothes and do my nails. The thought of him makes me want to lose this belly once and for all. It makes me want to be all that I can be. All of it. I think he can handle me. I don’t think he’ll run. I think I could pray with him and he wouldn’t get scared of my power. I think he would embrace it.
And this just dawning on me. The former guys I’ve liked. They always seemed like they’d run. What I mean is, they had never been coming towards me at the same time that I was coming towards them. If I looked their way, they ran away, and vice versa.
He is coming towards me at the same time as I am coming towards him. WE HAVE THE SAME SPIRITUAL BELIEFS!!! He prays and practices. He comes from a down and out background (so he understands) and he has triumphed over so much adversity, but he’s humble and even a bit shy. And he’s strong and active. Powerful. Wow. Handsome. Flirty but not offensive.
He’s it, isn’t he? He’s my answered prayer. Maybe… Maybe. He told me that he has come so far in life and now he needs to be Loved, and I understood. He doesn’t mean he needs to be loved in a needy kind of way, he meant that there are times on your path when it is good to do it alone, and there are times when a partner is needed to evolve to the next step. He is at that point where a partner is needed, and so am I. I’ve been praying for him. I Love him, Allah. I Love the idea of him.
A part of my mind is entertaining this thought that he is too good to be true, that I am speaking too soon, and I’d like to rebuke that part of my mind for a moment, tell it to shut up. Put some tape over it’s mouth. Quiet, now. Let me imagine that it’s actually possible that I, me, Laydie, could fall for a fabulous guy and he could fall for me at the same time. Let me imagine that it’s possible that he wouldn’t hurt me, but would protect me. For once, without the thought being coated with fear, let me see someone touching my womb while a baby grows inside. He will not run. He will not disappear. He will not lie to me. Oh, let me imagine that my prayer could actually be answered and not just be some dream never to be fulfilled. Let me imagine that my prayer has been answered and the well has burst open and I have met my match. A King. A humble King who is living with purpose on Earth. A humble king who knows You and relies on You. A bonafide man who isn’t scared of woman. Let me imagine the possibility of answered prayer…
You have given me a visual. Someone like him exists. I don’t think I’ve ever spoken to a guy who seemed as compatible with me as he does. He asked about our kids (yeah he’s just as crazy as me). He said when he gives me sons, and I called him out on it and he didn’t back down. He reminds me of Mr. Almost Famous. Easy. Trustworthy. Something in you knows they will keep their word. The only difference is this one, My One, actually has his eye on me and he’s actually in the same city as me and he’s actually the right religion.
I am not afraid to speak these things this morning. I am not afraid to be a little girl crushing on a guy and writing in my journal about it. I am not afraid to be excited again. I am OK with being vulnerable. Why am I not afraid even though I know I could potentially be utterly disappointed and heartbroken?
In the open door lies all possibility, and the possibility for the good is pulling me more than the fear of the bad. I keep my eye on the good, that I may know it when it arrives.
Go with the flow, You say. Allow Me to be your guide. Don’t worry about the future. If he’s yours, he’s yours. He will declare it and there will be no doubt in you. Your answered prayer is here. Open up the gates and let the water flow freely. Your answered prayer is here…
Ameen.
Day 262
When The Water Runs Free
Hey there,
This is the third blog in a row where I’m having one of those days.
I think I’d like to do something different today, though.
Circumstances: Waiting to hear back from producer about script. Extreme anxiety. Met seemingly fabulous guy online yesterday. We chatted. Mutual interest. He asked me to share my deep thoughts about stuff. I did. He disappeared. Mr. Chemistry with the wrong mental atmosphere is not trying to disappear. Couldn’t remember why I didn’t like him so hung out with him again. Like-able enough but don’t want to be with him. Doesn’t matter why. No need to sort it out. Just don’t want to.
Getting new job offers. Jobs I didn’t even apply for. Saw my resume wherever. Lot of money. Out of state. Movement. Maybe. Yes. Finally cleaned my apartment and able to visualize a paint pattern and decorations. Don’t want to move. Why not? Lot of money equals out of debt for good. Why not? What’s keeping me here? No answer. Empty apartment but stable. Finally stable here.
Empty. Saw ex yesterday. Empty. Sad. I’m sorry. Hearts are fragile. Be more careful…
Went to a training at work today. Among strangers. We had to break out into groups and pick a leader. They picked me. I stand out. Always. Don’t always like it.
Here I am, God, doing something different. Circumstances on my mind. Why have I been in this emotional rut lately? I’m falling apart on the inside and I don’t even know why. The worst thing is, I don’t think there’s anyone who can help. You say I don’t need any help. I can help myself. I’ve heard that all my life. Strong, strong me. Sometimes a girl just wants a hero. Sometimes a girl just wants things to be easy. Sometimes a girl just wants to be there already, instead of continually striving. Meet the right guy for once, settle in for once, stop crying for once, dance again, do the work I thought You sent me to do.
-Then do it, You say.
Sigh… I gets no compassion here. I gets no pity, You say. I am strong. Deal with it. I am a leader. Deal with it. I am powerful. Deal with it. People will run. People will hate. People will not be ready to be with a girl like me. People will feel small and pick on whatever they can to make themselves feel better. And sometimes, on nights like this, you will be alone with your feelings and your thoughts, knowing that you don’t need a hero. Not tonight.
You need to deal with yourself. All of yourself. All of it. Your power. Say that word again. Power. Think that word again. Power power power power power. It’s a part of it. Do not reject the fact that you are powerful. It is a part of you.
Let us do something different tonight. Lets be all of ourselves. Instead of crying and whining and going to sleep, let’s be all the parts of ourselves that we have been rejecting. The strong part. The powerful part. The brave part. The woman that everyone always picks to lead everything. Let’s be her. Because she is you. And she can deal with these emotions.
She knows that these past three blogs are just a part of the story. She knows that she can get up and finish some of the projects that have been hanging over her head for some time. Tonight. She knows that she can tell these dudes no. She knows that there are other artists for her books and she can reach out to them and someone will say yes. She knows there is a producer who will love her movie and she knows that her life is not dependent on living in any particular place. She knows Me. The wise part of you. She knows Me.
I want to talk to her tonight and tell her to get up! Get up, now. This is not the time to sit down and cry. This is the time to act in spite of your tears, in spite of your confusion, in spite of the fact that you have no idea how anything you ever dreamed of will ever work out. This is the time to tap into your Power, Laydie, your whole self. You can still be the shy, sensitive sweetheart, but tonight, We are going to be the shy, sensitive, strong, wise, faithful, powerful, Queenly sweetheart who knows what she knows. And We are going to look at our circumstances and deal with them from the vantage point of who We really are.
We get to be our own hero tonight. It’s just a part of who we are…
Ameen
Day 261
Deal With Yourself. All of Yourself
(Deal With It. All of It.
Good evening…
Eyes closed. Lights off.. Holding back because all kinds of negativity bubbling up inside of me.
One of those days. A quit my job and run off with some man kind of day…
Met new dude. Yesterday. Well, didn’t meet him yesterday but hung out with him yesterday. Good chemistry but not enough. Wrong mental atmosphere.
Gave script to producer yesterday. Don’t know what he will say. Scared. Kind of. Resigned. Mostly.
Alone. Not bored. Kind of. Just alone. People within reach. I know. Reaching for something else, though. Something missing. Something filling. Feeling.
Want to feel again. So many wants. Want to feel again.Be excited about anything. Anyone. So much work to do. Never ending. Never caught up.
Catch up. Catch up, You say. Catch up… Be finished with something. Have a thing fulfilled. Finish something.
My movie is going to get made, isn’t it? Why am I sad about it? Why am I sad, today, God, without cause? What is this feeling about? This utter quiet?
I don’t want to run outside and be with people. I don’t want anyone over, but there is a wanting in me. A missing in me. What is it?
I’ve been wanting this guy to draw pics for my children’s book for years. He was the original artist I had in mind. We fell out a few times and I sought out other artists, good ones, but I wrote the book with his drawings in mind… I just got a text with him telling me that he’s not going to do it. Finally telling me he’s not going to do it… Now he wants to know how I’m doing.
Cowards. I’m surrounded by them. Maybe I am one, that’s why I know so many. We have things to do in our lives, destinies etched in our souls, and we are so caught up in our littleness. Of course I’m angry with him because he’s the perfect artist for this and he just doesn’t want to do it because he’s scared he’s gonna like me.
Can I punch him in the face? Just bless him, You say. You didn’t meet at the same place at the same time. Just bless him and let it go.
God, I don’t like to be the strongest person I know. I don’t like to be the only one who cares about the things I care about. I don’t like to be the only one who would really go to the ends of the Earth for the ones I Love.
I am tired of being disappointed and lied to. I’m tired of not being Loved. I’m tired of men looking at me like I’m some sort of prize to be put on the shelf or some hero chick to save them from wandering in the wilderness while they spit on me and forget about me. They don’t see me and they don’t take the time to develop themselves so that they can feel comfortable and confident being with me…
I am tired of all the cowards. I am mad at them… At least that’s something to feel… I’m alive after all.
Geez.
I’m even tired of complaining now. I said I wasn’t going to complain. Does that count as complaining?
Bless them anyway, You say. Bless yourself anyway, even when you’re tired, You say.
How can I make life exciting again, without a man? How can I feel alive again? I miss being alive so bad.
Stop being a coward, You say. I am a coward, too, huh? Not with Love, but with other things. I am coward with my finishing. I can understand cowards and have compassion.
They are afraid of the unknown. We are afraid of the unknown. The drastic change that will take place once we take the next step. The finishing of stuff. It means we will have to find other stuff to occupy our minds. New stuff. If we do that thing we’ve been dreaming of for so long, what is the dream that will keep us moving every day. The unknown is so big and so unpredictable. At least here, we know what to expect. No surprises. No big, explosive feelings having us lose our breath. Hold on to what we have known. The loves we have known, the plans we have known. Hold on, because out there, outside of what we have known, it may be worse.
Someone might hurt us. Maybe we’ll fail. Maybe we won’t get back up if we fall… Lies. Maybe. Better to play it safe…
Or not. Cowards all around me reminding me that this will not do! This will not do. This will not do for my life. This death life will not do. My feelings are too deep for me to just be sitting around not loving anyone. I have too much to give to just be pushing papers 9 to 5 every day. This time is over already, God?
I am afraid, though. Let’s just be honest. I am afraid. I don’t even know what I’m afraid of. I’m just afraid. To finish stuff. To have a whole different experience of life. I want it so bad that I’m scared to want it because then I’ll hope for it and I don’t know if I can stand being disappointed, and I want to believe what they say, that I won’t be disappointed because You put these soul callings in me and You won’t disappoint me, but I don’t believe it all the way. I just want to believe it.
What are your options, You ask. We know that this will not do. This fearful way will just not do. You are missing your Life. Your Life is calling you. That is the emptiness you feel. Take your place. Do not be amongst the cowards anymore. You may be afraid but face your fears regardless and see that you will not die. And if you die, you will die full of Life and Grace instead of the slow death that is taking hold of you now. There is work to be done. I know, it all ends anyway, but you are Here Now, so be Here Now and participate amongst the living. You can source the Light and bring it to the world and there are others like you, too. You are not alone. Take your place, Now, and Live…
Day 260
A Message For Cowards
Hi there. Good morning.
I feel kind of bad after talking about Jesus. Just want to make a disclaimer here. I like Jesus and I know that what he represents has done a lot to bring people peace and a sense of wellbeing in the world. I have nothing against him and nothing against Christians or anyone who practices any other religion. I just get a little frustrated when people try and persuade me to follow their spiritual path when I have already told them what I believe. I think it’s really disrespectful…
But moving on. Good morning again. It’s one of those mornings. An empty morning. The sun just rose. The day is starting. I’m off work today, but I have a lot of work to do. A meeting tonight about my writing. Some projects to finish for friends… Need to make an appointment to go back to the doctor because my wrist still hurts. Bills to pay.
My roommate moved out day before yesterday. The apartment seems so big without his presence. Too big for one person…
I’m feeling a little alone, God. Just a little empty this morning. Like I want to reach out and touch someone. Like I want to run outside and just be a part of the world, not just the world of my clean apartment and my folded clothes. I want to participate in the living, the people.
Let me be honest, God. I get tired sometimes. I get really tired. The aloneness seems never-ending. Oh, there are people. There is always some guy wanting to spend time. But they want something from me, usually something I don’t want to give. And it’s draining and I end up feeling all guilty like I’m leading them on. That doesn’t interest me. And there are girls. But they have all these major self-esteem issues and they are jealous and unhappy and liars. I wouldn’t even care about the issues and the lies, but the faking is exhausting. I mean, not exhausting, but just not fulfilling. I leave the exchange not wanting to hang out again.
Because I like deep stuff. Real stuff. The fake stuff is a part of life but it doesn’t feed me.
Last night I talked to one of the guys who wants to spend time with me. He suggested that sometimes it takes a King to bring a Queen out of herself and vice versa. You know, the Celine Dione song, “I’m everything I am because you loved me”. I agree.
Where’s my King, God? When is he coming? I miss him. This Hollywood independent woman ideal is baloney. We were not made to live our lives out just by ourselves. It doesn’t even make sense.
I know, there are other things to do in life besides being with a man. Write, work, blah blah blah, dance. It’s all great. Really, it is. But what I want most in this world is a partner, God. I wasn’t ready before. I had all this junk in my mind and heart. But I’m ready now. I really am. I’ve done a lot of work on myself. A whole lot. I’m gonna be all successful and everything and I pay my rent on my own these days. I have cut all these cords between me and all my random exes. I’m free. It’s just me here now. And I’m even OK with being alone sometimes. I’m not desperate. At least I don’t feel desperate. You see that I turn down dates all the time and it’s not because I don’t want to be around people, it’s because I’m holding out for my King. Where is he? Is he coming? What do I need to do? Tell me what to do, please. I’m ready for the next part of life, now. The partner part. I’m ready to participate with other people and see what they bring to the table. I actually like and value other people’s ideas these days. It can’t always just be me. I’m not always the smartest person in the bunch, and I don’t always want to be.
I’d like to know other folks who have a calling and are working towards it. I’d like to know others who know You. Well, I know some of those people already, but I’d like them to actually be a part of my every day physical life. I am grateful for the magicians and alchemists that I have already crossed paths with. The Giants who let me know that there is a whole other way to relate to people. Like, I can actually be my full self and it’s possible that I will still have friends and people who like me and don’t hate on me and try and put me in a box on a shelf. I am grateful to know that.
You are telling me to start with gratitude. When the doubts and fears come. When you have not seen your heart’s desire yet, start with gratitude. See how far you have come. From the dysfunctional relationships and devaluation of your worth to an actual set of standards, from being this needy woman who always thought she needed a man as a stamp of “having a life” to knowing that you already have a life and wanting a partner instead of a hero. From a home of disarray to a clean room. You have a job now. The first full-time job you’ve had in years!
And finally you have decided to live. In fullness. It took a while. Remember? Your brain was full of chaos and fear. Remember? Thriving was not an option. It was all about survival. Remember? You were always running and trying to play small. You didn’t want to dance too big because you didn’t want the dancer girls to hate on you. You didn’t want to love too much because you didn’t want other folks to feel bad. You didn’t want to be too successful because, well, you were just used to being not successful.
It has been two years, but life has changed dramatically. You have a car, free and clear, for God’s sake! Your prayers are constantly being answered, step by step. You see, the woman you were before couldn’t handle the King that you want. You would have messed it all up. Run away or something. You would have treated him bad because you were so afraid of being vulnerable back then, remember? You used to put up all these walls. And you didn’t use to see people. I mean, you were so wrapped up in your desperate survival drama that you really couldn’t focus on anything else.
But things have changed. Your life has changed and I see that you are walking taller now. You don’t care if all eyes are on you when you walk into a room. You embrace it and smile. You look people in the eye and actually care about them. You set standards and boundaries for your life and you are becoming willing to accept the fulfillment of your dreams come true. You weren’t able to do that before, remember? A dream was just a dream, but you didn’t really believe it would come true. You couldn’t even stomach the thought of seeing yourself living the life of your dreams…
I have heard your prayer and I see the work that you are doing, Keep doing it. Keep cleaning out your closets and cleaning out your heart and mind. Make room for your answered prayer. Keep paying your debts. Keep developing your ability to hear Truth and keep practicing Love, receiving and giving. Keep walking in the direction you are guided. Keep knowing that I am for you and not against you.
I have heard your prayer. Your King is already here in the world. He exists. He listens to My voice and he is walking your way as We speak… Ameen… Ameen.
Day 259
When In Doubt (Give Thanks)
Good morning World!
I just wrote 567 words and I’m starting over. Sometimes you need to clear out the gunk before you can get to the point.
“Make a definite decision to accept the fulfillment of your desires.” – The Success Book
That’s what I want to write about this morning.
There is a time to sit still, clean up, make space, and there is a time to act, get out into the world and do. Yesterday I had a come to Jesus moment. A coworker told me all about Jesus and how if I believed in Jesus and accepted him as my lord and savior, he would do everything for me and protect me from everything. My coworker said that I wouldn’t have to worry about suffering or anything and I would be forgiven for everything. He went on to say that we as humans are full of sin and the only way we could get rid of our sin was to be cleansed by the blood of Jesus, who would take away our sin if we believed in him.
I didn’t grow up Christian, and so I don’t have a program me that automatically accepts the Christian doctrine. But I listened to him yesterday. What a concept. You could let someone else carry all of your debt. A reliever. For the first time, I saw the appeal that Jesus has. You could let go of everything, like a little kid and his loving daddy, and no matter what you did, Jesus would make it right if you just let him hold you. When you say it that way, who wouldn’t want to believe in Jesus? Who wouldn’t want someone to automatically relieve them of everything they’ve ever done and everything they may continue to do.
I thought about the Jesus pitch and as I’m sitting here this morning, I have to respectfully decline the offer to come. I’m sorry, Jesus. It’s not my path. I don’t know much, but I know about belief. I live in Los Angeles, where homeless people live next door to millionaires. Prostitutes walk the same streets with holy men. People do yoga every day in the same parks that meth heads buy drugs. I understand about belief. We are all living in the same world. The same streets for God’s sake, but only our belief separates us. Only our world view makes one person come to Jesus while the other reads self-help books and searches her own mind.
The thing about belief is that when you choose one, you are governed by the rules of that world. Jesus sounds cool, but the Jesus world has rules and a system in place. A particular type of Heaven and hell, a way to be in the world. When you choose Jesus, you choose the Jesus world, and I don’t choose the Jesus world.
I choose the world where I can go straight to the Source. And you say, who do I think I am? And I say, why can’t I go straight to the Source. I mean, for real, God, why not? I just can’t get down with the original sin thing. I just can’t believe that we would come out of the womb evil. That You would put us here just to suffer. One day I will make a documentary about You, God, but not today. Not for this blog. I just think a person’s belief is so important. It’s the most important thing because it governs everything else. And when you are confused in your belief, or when we are walking around lying to ourselves about what we believe just because we want a hero, our lives reflect the confusion.
But who am I, right? Who am I to say anything about belief or religion? I’m not a prophet… God, I don’t normally feel confused about the spiritual path I’ve chosen, but yesterday that guy made me feel like something must be wrong with me. He told me that I look like I’m searching. He thinks I am a lost soul, but I don’t think I’m lost. I feel pretty ok with my beliefs. I feel like they serve me well. My heart and mind are more free, my conscience is more clear than it’s ever been in my life. He told me that no matter how good I am or whatever good I do in the world, if I don’t believe in Jesus, then my soul will be forever damned. My momma feels the same way about me not choosing her religious path. She’s always telling me I need to pray the right way so I can be blessed. I usually don’t even pay attention to this kind of talk, but yesterday I listened.
Tell me, now. Am I arrogant, like they say? Should I just come to Jesus or Islam or some path? Why can’t I? Why don’t I believe? Should I? Why don’t the Holy books comfort me? I don’t have to be right about everything. Why do I think that I can go straight to You? Why am I OK with this thought? Is it the devil? Because I feel like I am guided. I feel like You are with me always. I am not sad anymore. I don’t feel guilty about everything anymore. I actually care about people now and I take responsibility for my life. I like my life now…
I remember I used to say these affirmations: I now create a life I like to look at. I like my life now. I like my thoughts. I like what is happening. I like the books I read and the things I’m learning, but they say I am lost. Tell me. Am I lost?
-No.
Is it You talking to me?
-No.
Then who is it?
-Your own mind. Empty it and listen for My Voice. Listen… I am a Gracious God. Hear that. I am a Gracious God, not the author of confusion. You know you are not lost. Know what you know. Know what you know. Know what you know and stand in your knowledge of Self. Seek Truth and ye shall find it. Learn my Voice, it is not your own. Soon the two will be one, and you will live My Voice. The lady at your spiritual center saw it. People see it in you. They see it. They want you on their team. Learn My Voice and it will guide you. You are never lost…
There is no more time for confusion. There is no more time for crying every day and the only thing worth fighting for is the right to be who I am. Today I make a definite decision to accept the fulfillment of my dreams come true. I make a definite, firm decision to accept success in my life. I make a definite, firm decision to be all that is in my spirit to be. In this life. In this time. In this world. Now. No longer a dream, but a life in action. No longer a someday somehow, but a good life today. Today. A Love expressed today. A giving today. A healing today. A accept the fulfillment of a clean room. I accept the payment of debts. I accept the answer to all prayers. I accept my Life Divine… And so it is. Ameen.
Day 258
Jesus and the Lost/Found Souls
Good morning. It’s 6:15. Work today.
Closing my eyes. I cleaned my room, folded and hung up all my clothes, double mopped the floors, saged it down, said a blessing in every corner and even went over everything with rose oil… Can I tell you what a difference it makes? I bought a spongey mattress pad thing for my bed. I haven’t slept this well in so long.
My mind is at peace this morning. Not gonna write too long ‘cus I want to say my prayers and stuff. It’s funy. It’s eady to create something to talk about when you’ve got a lot of drama going on. I love watching the TV show Scandal because there’s always some drama. Some problem or mess that the main character has to get out of. But what happens when there is no problem? No mess? How do you make things exciting when you wake up in the morning hearing birds and dreaming of faith songs and the one man you trust sitting on his porch smiling at you?
OMG. A friend of mine just showed up at my doorstep. Wow… I’m not feeling all sentimental now, but I’ll still finish what I started. I had something to pour out this morning. The absence of drama. The co-existence of peace and excitement.
I am sitting on top of the hill, God. It’s a little overcast now. You say this is the fun part. The creation part. It’s an oxymoron in my mind. Peace and Excitement. I come to you. I put them in the atmosphere together. I see my smile, found. Big. It lights up the whole backdrop. I see my dance. Feminine. The sky lights up bright. I send a smile to the man in my dreams, always looking out for me in my mind and in real life, always making things brighter.
The world has layers. We don’t always get to see all of them. Some of us are stuck in a grey sky forever. Some of us see the sunlight always. There are those who have never known what a clean room feels like, free, unblocked, energy and good stuff flowing everywhere. There are others who have never lived any other way.
I have seen the dark, dark things and the beautiful things. I know the difference. Some would say that I know too much, but I think that I know just enough to build now.
In my picture now, where my partner is still fuzzy looking like so many colors waiting to materialize, I ask for some tools. We are going to need to build things. Yes a steady, stable thing to rest our heads. I will start without him. I am ready. I won’t worry about the exciting stuff. I give it to You. I give all my questions to You and I actually trust that You will answer in due time, lead me every step of the way. You know I need some excitement in my life, but somehow I feel it bubbling in me without all the drama. This is new stuff. I like this stuff.
My foundation is peace. I will start to build.
Day 257
Peace and Excitement (The Oxymoron)
Ok. this won’t be long. It’s night time and I’m kind of spent but just want to write a bit before I lay down. I just want to share.
I just deleted a long entry. About me being exposed (someone I know revealed my identity and blog page to other people I know). About me breaking up with my last man standing (a younger guy who started out as a good friend but turned into a “fake” boyfriend who saw me as a tool).
That’s the update. All in a day’s work. I am officially single single and completely vulnerable now. Yippee. -_-
I am too tired for feelings to matter. God, I’m a little tired here. I’m not falling apart at the seams and my health is ok today, but I’m not looking forward to any more of this. Can this be my last break up, please? Can I not have any more of this painful relationship stuff in my life? Betrayal. Abandonment. Infidelity. Power Struggles. Manipulation. Lies. Not having someone that I can actually count on to put me first. Sadness. Not being able to trust anyone. Feeling like at any given moment the person I love is going to flake. Constantly falling for men who show me in every way possible that are either not willing, ready and/or wanting to love me. This whole always being a victim thing. Can we end all this? Now? Today? I’ve had enough.
You can blame me. That’s fine. I take full responsibility for each and every thing. My lack of self worth. Lack of self love. My part in the manipulation and power struggles. Everything. I own up to all of it. I’m not worried about the men and what they did and didn’t do. I just want to be better and have this part of my life be done with.
You say that the last bitter seed is gone. Seriously? Is it finally over? A lifetime of this shit? You say yes. Yes. Can it be? No one’s gonna break my heart anymore? I’m not gonna break anyone’s heart? Oh, is it finally over? Can I finally have some peace?
If that is what I choose, You say. That is what I choose, Allah. More than anything…
I fell asleep. It’s morning time now. 6:17. I’ll get ready for work at seven. I have something to say. The mind never leaves.
Last night I was hurting. I was tired. Exhausted. Exhausted from all this stuff in my life. All this pain. All these ugly relationships. I had let go of the last man standing, and I didn’t realize that all of this releasing will wear you out, too. I am ready to be a stellar teacher, God. I understand this stuff now. This sad stuff. This happy stuff. This process.
This is what I’ve learned. The mind never leaves. Nope. No matter what you do. You can be as successful as you want to be. Get married. Have some kids. Be rich. Buy an island. You can build wells for twenty African villages and win the Olympics. Start a revolutionary business. Pray more than five times a day until your knees hurt. Dance the best dance ever in front of thousands of people.
But in the still of the night, when you are all alone, your mind will find you. Your regrets. Your inconsistencies. Your constant crimes against yourself. Someone will give you a hug and remind you of a love you never let go of and you might find yourself in the middle of a crowd feeling like fainting. You will see someone like you do the thing you wanted to do with your life and become depressed. Your body will break down out of the blue for seemingly no reason at all.
It is your mind. It is your deep deep, thoughts. The fakeness. The inconsistencies. The unwillingness to look at your pain and heal it. You can lie to yourself as long as you want to, cover up your thoughts with drugs and alcohol and meaningless activity, run away to every country on the map, sleep a thousand hours. Your regrets will come in your nightmares. They will slap you in the face in the eyes of a child. Your insatiable unhappiness will follow you until you look at it.
There is no “way” to look at your pain, our minds, the things that bother us. There is only intention. Choose to heal and God will lead you to the way that suits you. You don’t have to call it God. You can call it the law of attraction. You can take credit for it all. Nonetheless, Grace will find you if you court It.
If you decide that enough is enough (and hopefully you can decide this while your body still has the strength to cope with the inevitable release that is to come); when you decide that enough is enough, not out of vengeance or anger, it can start there, but that’s just a starting point… When, out of Love for yourself, out of Love for your life, out of reverence for the possibility that is being given to you here and now, you decide to CLEAN YOUR MIND, to address the ugly things, to say sorry, to actually be honest about your religion and practice it, to make amends and pay the debts that will forever hover over your head, to tell the truth, to tell the truth, to tell the truth, you will find yourself forever changed.
You will find your life forever changed. Dreams will no longer torment you. You will be able to be happy for others because you will be happy with yourself. And life will take on a new hue. It will be a constant soft sunrise. And you will know that even in your breakdowns, things are looking up. You won’t try to force yourself to feel a certain way or force others to do a certain thing. You will know that you are in the midst of something good and you will let the chips fall as they may, constantly holding on to the truth… It’s a never ending process, but the more you focus on getting better, the better you get.
I’m graduating today. I might as well claim it. It’s just a regular day. No monumental events, but I woke up in the morning and I felt it God. I am moving on to the other side of happy. The major releasing is complete. The deep deep stuff is over. Can you believe I’ve had major releasing with all of my men? All of them. Brothers and Daddy and everything. My relationships with men have been the bane of my existence. I’m OK with them now. They can be men. They even have my permission to show up in my life as good men, because I never used to believe that that kind of creature existed.
I give you permission to work with me now, God. It’s time to build a new kind of life, in the image that You created. I’m a deep woman, so I’ll do the deep stuff. I’ll be who I am. Finally. There’s no else I could be…
Thank You God.
Day 256
The Deep, Sweet Mind
This body-mind connection thing can be quite a nuisance…
My head hurts. I feel like throwing up and crying… I remember the first time I ever felt like this. It was years ago. I was walking through the mall with my teenage little sister. My life was falling apart. We were losing the house we had bought for my mom. I was struggling in grad school. I couldn’t get a job to save my life. I was in danger of being evicted. The guy I was dating was sculpting things in homage to his ex-girlfriend and trying to make me do things I didn’t want to do… My sis and I were walking through the mall and suddenly everything just seemed confusing. It was hard for me to breathe. I felt like throwing up. My head hurt and I was dizzy. My teenage sister asked me if I needed to sit down. I did. She got me something to drink. Bless her sweet soul…
Tonight I went to an event hosted by a filmmaking group that I’m a part of. They have events once a month, but I hadn’t been to any in over six months. I went today and ran into a lot of people whom I hadn’t seen in a long time. I saw this guy I know. We’ll call him Mr. Producer. I hadn’t seen him in over a year and a half… I knew I would see him today. That’s why I came to the meeting. Because I wanted to see him. I saw him, or rather he saw me from behind. He hugged me before I could say anything about it. Immediately I couldn’t breathe. My head started to hurt..
By the time we got to the after party I was really dizzy… He came up to me and asked me how I’d been and I told him I’m not talking to him. He said OK and walked away… I think he was with this girl I know. I think they are (or were) lovers or something…
And here I am. Sitting at home trying to breathe. I couldn’t stay at the after party. I was tripping out. I knew I was going to see him today, but I had no idea about what I was going to do when I saw him or how I was going to feel. I had Loved him… I know you’re like, huh? Who? I had forgotten all about him…
I met him almost two years ago. People had been telling me about him. This guy with a similar background as mine who I should meet. I had never reached out to him, then I ran into him randomly at one of this organization’s meetings. We hit it off. He wanted to see what I had written. He was at the meeting promoting a movie he had produced. I came to see his movie. No one else from his personal life had come but me. I watched the movie and it was so good. It was a big deal movie and they had a Question and Answer segment afterwards. I watched him answer the questions. I was so proud. He felt like family… I felt like it was my brother up there and he had finally accomplished his dream… I was so proud of him…
After the movie he came and greeted me warmly. A lot of people wanted to talk to him, so I left. But when I got to my car, I decided to wait. Maybe he would want to say bye. Maybe he would want to hang out. I was so excited about him. I didn’t know why. So I waited and waited and finally I got a text from him asking where I was… We went to dinner that night. We talked about everything. It was so lovely. I truly enjoyed being with him. He brought the life out of me, like a magnet. I was excited and full of a joie de vivre with him…
After that night, I called and texted him a few times, inviting him to spend time. He was always busy. I ran into him at another event, which was hosted by the girl I saw him with tonight. He was very friendly and flirty. He asked about my script again. I sent it to him… Then a couple months later he called me. He was going to read my script! He invited me over and I came.
We stayed up all night talking and writing and working. He gave me such good advice. We connected on such a deep level. He was smart and kind. He tried to act like a jerk, but I knew he was so kind. I could feel it. And I Loved him. I didn’t need him to be my man or my anything. In my mind, he was already my brother. I just wanted to be a part of his world. He allowed me to see his vulnerable side and that was one of the most precious evenings of my life…
In the morning I took a while to get ready. He was late for a phone meeting and annoyed. He dropped me at my car. Told me to rewrite my script and send it to him. He was real short with me. I didn’t send the script. I reached out to him a few more times and he either ignored me or responded with really short messages. So I stopped reaching out.
Time went by. Maybe a year. Then a couple of months ago, he called me. He said he had been gone and he was back in town. It wasn’t true. Over the course of his year of disappearance, people were constantly telling me about how they had met with him and talked with him and spent time with him. Maybe he had been in and out of town, but he wasn’t just gone for a whole year. We talked for about fifteen minutes. I told him he had abandoned me. He said we’d hang out that week.
He didn’t call back. I called and texted him a few times. He didn’t respond. Finally, after sending him an invite to somewhere and him not responding, I sent him a text telling him off. I told him that one day he would want to be a part of my life in some way and I told him that I would remember what an asshole he was and how he treated me with such disregard…
So you’d think I’d feel vindicated today. He tried to talk to me and I told him no. Him and his bougie lover girl looked bored and unhappy. Hot guys were flirting with me and I could see him watching. You’d think that would make me feel good. I won. But I don’t feel good about it. I feel awful. I mean, I do have some pride. I couldn’t just sit there and be a faker, acting like he didn’t just ignore me for the past year and change. I had to stand up for myself.
And here I am. I wish he would have just said sorry. Sorry Laydie. I was an ass. I would have forgiven him. And then we could have pulled another all-nighter and worked together and talked about our ideas. We could have been friends. But he didn’t say sorry and I didn’t act like nothing was wrong between us because something was wrong. How he treated me was wrong.
I need to breathe… My heart is beating too fast. I never thought this pride thing had any use, but there’s a place for it. It’s called standards. He brings the life out of me. I had forgotten. I am usually the one to bring the life out of others, but he brings the life out of me. Just by his mere presence I am invigorated. But I still don’t think I did the wrong thing by not talking to him today.
I don’t know where I got them from, but I think I have some standards now. He’s got it going on, no doubt. But he wasn’t nice to me and I don’t want to be close to people who aren’t nice to me. I’m not that desperate. Wow. I’m not that desperate…
Day 255
When You’re Not That Desperate (The Land of Standards)
So,
I’m bored out of my mind. This is where the work comes in. When it’s not easy to be happy. When you have an itch in you longing for something and you’re not even sure about what you’re longing for, but you just know that it doesn’t look like what you’re experiencing right now.
I sprained my wrist and was having body pains and the doctor recommended muscle relaxers and a wrist brace. When I asked him if it was going to fix things, he said it would get me out of pain. Reactionary solution. It would get me out of pain, but it wouldn’t fix anything. It would heal. It wouldn’t bring me back into alignment. It would just stop me from hurting myself any further and numb out my body’s natural signals that tell me something isn’t quite right. This reactionary solution would cause my wrist to not move, which would eventually make it worse. It would make me addicted to pain killers, which would eventually inhibit me from knowing what was up with my body… The long term effects didn’t seem good.
As I’m sitting here in my boredom, I’m thinking about reactionary solutions. I could go and do a whole bunch of things to stop myself from being bored. Find a distraction. Some drama. It’s always there. I could take a painkiller. Sleep is my drug of choice. I don’t want to do that, though. I want to heal.
I would like to create an exciting life. That is the real solution. Just going through the motions won’t quite cut it for me anymore. And not a life that looks exciting to other people on the outside, always going going going doing doing doing. I life that is fulfilling to me. Because going to work, coming home, writing, sleeping, and doing it all over again the next day just isn’t cutting it anymore.
And running away somewhere doesn’t cut it either. And getting involved in some man drama so that I can feel alive doesn’t cut it either. This is a choice moment. I know. There are times when you are weak and you sit back and let yourself be taken care of. And there are times when you can do something.
But I’m learning about solutions. You can always do something. I can go out tonight and do the Halloween thing. That’s not the solution, though. That’s a reactionary solution. I am looking to feed my soul and that doesn’t quite cut it.
You have given me an empty canvass to paint my life upon and here I am not knowing what to do, God. Except to write it out until I figure it out. This is all that I know to do. I tried to read one of Your books today. It told about how I will go to Hell if I don’t be good and believe in You. So, I’m good. I believe in You. So now what? I am here. On Earth. Tonight. I am feeling antsy in my life, like I’m not quite alive. Like I’m missing passion and excitement. Like there isn’t much meaning in the actions I’m taking, just a long, never-ending “to-do” list.
I’m feeling bored. And this is a big deal. This is the feeling that people have before they go hang out with one of their exes. Before they do drugs or drink. Before they put their work aside to go do something bad for them that seems exciting. Before they skip states or commit to something that they don’t really care about. Before they take a new job that doesn’t them anywhere they want to go. Before they fall in love with someone they don’t like. It’s this boredom thing.
I am going to sit here, God, until you tell me what to do. I am going to stop being a whining crybaby for just one moment and sit here, in the fullness of all that I am, until you tell me what to do. This boredom is a small thing, but it’s such a big thing. It ruins lives.
What is the truth of this feeling? It is an indication that it’s time for action on my part. Resting time is over. It is time to paint on the canvass of my life. Fear time is over. It’s just over. It is. It’s time to get out of my room and come back to the world. In a big way. As myself. I feel it so strong. The boredom tells us things. It’s not time to run and retreat into our anesthetic of choice. It’s time to change. Yes. It’s time to show up in the world in a different kind of way.
Go back to the drawing board, your empty canvass. Remember the pictures you wanted to paint. Sit until the vision is clear. Sit until the vision is clear. Sit until the vision is clear. You are building a foundation now that will be the grounding point for the rest of your life. Sit until the vision is clear.
In my vision, I don’t see a place to move to, I don’t see a job or an activity. All I see is a partner. Sit, You tell me, Until the vision is clear. Create a space for him. Use this time while you have it. To prepare a space. Not being in reaction mode running around trying to figure out a way not to be bored, but seeing the wisdom in this time, this reprieve, this opportunity to clean up before he comes. Go ahead and be bored. Be calm. Be strong. Be wise. Be open. Wide enough to see the gift in everything…
Thank You, God. Ameen.
Day 254
The Boring Stuff
hownottocryeveryday 