Good morning. It’s 6:15. Work today.
Closing my eyes. I cleaned my room, folded and hung up all my clothes, double mopped the floors, saged it down, said a blessing in every corner and even went over everything with rose oil… Can I tell you what a difference it makes? I bought a spongey mattress pad thing for my bed. I haven’t slept this well in so long.
My mind is at peace this morning. Not gonna write too long ‘cus I want to say my prayers and stuff. It’s funy. It’s eady to create something to talk about when you’ve got a lot of drama going on. I love watching the TV show Scandal because there’s always some drama. Some problem or mess that the main character has to get out of. But what happens when there is no problem? No mess? How do you make things exciting when you wake up in the morning hearing birds and dreaming of faith songs and the one man you trust sitting on his porch smiling at you?
OMG. A friend of mine just showed up at my doorstep. Wow… I’m not feeling all sentimental now, but I’ll still finish what I started. I had something to pour out this morning. The absence of drama. The co-existence of peace and excitement.
I am sitting on top of the hill, God. It’s a little overcast now. You say this is the fun part. The creation part. It’s an oxymoron in my mind. Peace and Excitement. I come to you. I put them in the atmosphere together. I see my smile, found. Big. It lights up the whole backdrop. I see my dance. Feminine. The sky lights up bright. I send a smile to the man in my dreams, always looking out for me in my mind and in real life, always making things brighter.
The world has layers. We don’t always get to see all of them. Some of us are stuck in a grey sky forever. Some of us see the sunlight always. There are those who have never known what a clean room feels like, free, unblocked, energy and good stuff flowing everywhere. There are others who have never lived any other way.
I have seen the dark, dark things and the beautiful things. I know the difference. Some would say that I know too much, but I think that I know just enough to build now.
In my picture now, where my partner is still fuzzy looking like so many colors waiting to materialize, I ask for some tools. We are going to need to build things. Yes a steady, stable thing to rest our heads. I will start without him. I am ready. I won’t worry about the exciting stuff. I give it to You. I give all my questions to You and I actually trust that You will answer in due time, lead me every step of the way. You know I need some excitement in my life, but somehow I feel it bubbling in me without all the drama. This is new stuff. I like this stuff.
My foundation is peace. I will start to build.
Day 257
Peace and Excitement (The Oxymoron)
Ok. this won’t be long. It’s night time and I’m kind of spent but just want to write a bit before I lay down. I just want to share.
I just deleted a long entry. About me being exposed (someone I know revealed my identity and blog page to other people I know). About me breaking up with my last man standing (a younger guy who started out as a good friend but turned into a “fake” boyfriend who saw me as a tool).
That’s the update. All in a day’s work. I am officially single single and completely vulnerable now. Yippee. -_-
I am too tired for feelings to matter. God, I’m a little tired here. I’m not falling apart at the seams and my health is ok today, but I’m not looking forward to any more of this. Can this be my last break up, please? Can I not have any more of this painful relationship stuff in my life? Betrayal. Abandonment. Infidelity. Power Struggles. Manipulation. Lies. Not having someone that I can actually count on to put me first. Sadness. Not being able to trust anyone. Feeling like at any given moment the person I love is going to flake. Constantly falling for men who show me in every way possible that are either not willing, ready and/or wanting to love me. This whole always being a victim thing. Can we end all this? Now? Today? I’ve had enough.
You can blame me. That’s fine. I take full responsibility for each and every thing. My lack of self worth. Lack of self love. My part in the manipulation and power struggles. Everything. I own up to all of it. I’m not worried about the men and what they did and didn’t do. I just want to be better and have this part of my life be done with.
You say that the last bitter seed is gone. Seriously? Is it finally over? A lifetime of this shit? You say yes. Yes. Can it be? No one’s gonna break my heart anymore? I’m not gonna break anyone’s heart? Oh, is it finally over? Can I finally have some peace?
If that is what I choose, You say. That is what I choose, Allah. More than anything…
I fell asleep. It’s morning time now. 6:17. I’ll get ready for work at seven. I have something to say. The mind never leaves.
Last night I was hurting. I was tired. Exhausted. Exhausted from all this stuff in my life. All this pain. All these ugly relationships. I had let go of the last man standing, and I didn’t realize that all of this releasing will wear you out, too. I am ready to be a stellar teacher, God. I understand this stuff now. This sad stuff. This happy stuff. This process.
This is what I’ve learned. The mind never leaves. Nope. No matter what you do. You can be as successful as you want to be. Get married. Have some kids. Be rich. Buy an island. You can build wells for twenty African villages and win the Olympics. Start a revolutionary business. Pray more than five times a day until your knees hurt. Dance the best dance ever in front of thousands of people.
But in the still of the night, when you are all alone, your mind will find you. Your regrets. Your inconsistencies. Your constant crimes against yourself. Someone will give you a hug and remind you of a love you never let go of and you might find yourself in the middle of a crowd feeling like fainting. You will see someone like you do the thing you wanted to do with your life and become depressed. Your body will break down out of the blue for seemingly no reason at all.
It is your mind. It is your deep deep, thoughts. The fakeness. The inconsistencies. The unwillingness to look at your pain and heal it. You can lie to yourself as long as you want to, cover up your thoughts with drugs and alcohol and meaningless activity, run away to every country on the map, sleep a thousand hours. Your regrets will come in your nightmares. They will slap you in the face in the eyes of a child. Your insatiable unhappiness will follow you until you look at it.
There is no “way” to look at your pain, our minds, the things that bother us. There is only intention. Choose to heal and God will lead you to the way that suits you. You don’t have to call it God. You can call it the law of attraction. You can take credit for it all. Nonetheless, Grace will find you if you court It.
If you decide that enough is enough (and hopefully you can decide this while your body still has the strength to cope with the inevitable release that is to come); when you decide that enough is enough, not out of vengeance or anger, it can start there, but that’s just a starting point… When, out of Love for yourself, out of Love for your life, out of reverence for the possibility that is being given to you here and now, you decide to CLEAN YOUR MIND, to address the ugly things, to say sorry, to actually be honest about your religion and practice it, to make amends and pay the debts that will forever hover over your head, to tell the truth, to tell the truth, to tell the truth, you will find yourself forever changed.
You will find your life forever changed. Dreams will no longer torment you. You will be able to be happy for others because you will be happy with yourself. And life will take on a new hue. It will be a constant soft sunrise. And you will know that even in your breakdowns, things are looking up. You won’t try to force yourself to feel a certain way or force others to do a certain thing. You will know that you are in the midst of something good and you will let the chips fall as they may, constantly holding on to the truth… It’s a never ending process, but the more you focus on getting better, the better you get.
I’m graduating today. I might as well claim it. It’s just a regular day. No monumental events, but I woke up in the morning and I felt it God. I am moving on to the other side of happy. The major releasing is complete. The deep deep stuff is over. Can you believe I’ve had major releasing with all of my men? All of them. Brothers and Daddy and everything. My relationships with men have been the bane of my existence. I’m OK with them now. They can be men. They even have my permission to show up in my life as good men, because I never used to believe that that kind of creature existed.
I give you permission to work with me now, God. It’s time to build a new kind of life, in the image that You created. I’m a deep woman, so I’ll do the deep stuff. I’ll be who I am. Finally. There’s no else I could be…
Thank You God.
Day 256
The Deep, Sweet Mind
This body-mind connection thing can be quite a nuisance…
My head hurts. I feel like throwing up and crying… I remember the first time I ever felt like this. It was years ago. I was walking through the mall with my teenage little sister. My life was falling apart. We were losing the house we had bought for my mom. I was struggling in grad school. I couldn’t get a job to save my life. I was in danger of being evicted. The guy I was dating was sculpting things in homage to his ex-girlfriend and trying to make me do things I didn’t want to do… My sis and I were walking through the mall and suddenly everything just seemed confusing. It was hard for me to breathe. I felt like throwing up. My head hurt and I was dizzy. My teenage sister asked me if I needed to sit down. I did. She got me something to drink. Bless her sweet soul…
Tonight I went to an event hosted by a filmmaking group that I’m a part of. They have events once a month, but I hadn’t been to any in over six months. I went today and ran into a lot of people whom I hadn’t seen in a long time. I saw this guy I know. We’ll call him Mr. Producer. I hadn’t seen him in over a year and a half… I knew I would see him today. That’s why I came to the meeting. Because I wanted to see him. I saw him, or rather he saw me from behind. He hugged me before I could say anything about it. Immediately I couldn’t breathe. My head started to hurt..
By the time we got to the after party I was really dizzy… He came up to me and asked me how I’d been and I told him I’m not talking to him. He said OK and walked away… I think he was with this girl I know. I think they are (or were) lovers or something…
And here I am. Sitting at home trying to breathe. I couldn’t stay at the after party. I was tripping out. I knew I was going to see him today, but I had no idea about what I was going to do when I saw him or how I was going to feel. I had Loved him… I know you’re like, huh? Who? I had forgotten all about him…
I met him almost two years ago. People had been telling me about him. This guy with a similar background as mine who I should meet. I had never reached out to him, then I ran into him randomly at one of this organization’s meetings. We hit it off. He wanted to see what I had written. He was at the meeting promoting a movie he had produced. I came to see his movie. No one else from his personal life had come but me. I watched the movie and it was so good. It was a big deal movie and they had a Question and Answer segment afterwards. I watched him answer the questions. I was so proud. He felt like family… I felt like it was my brother up there and he had finally accomplished his dream… I was so proud of him…
After the movie he came and greeted me warmly. A lot of people wanted to talk to him, so I left. But when I got to my car, I decided to wait. Maybe he would want to say bye. Maybe he would want to hang out. I was so excited about him. I didn’t know why. So I waited and waited and finally I got a text from him asking where I was… We went to dinner that night. We talked about everything. It was so lovely. I truly enjoyed being with him. He brought the life out of me, like a magnet. I was excited and full of a joie de vivre with him…
After that night, I called and texted him a few times, inviting him to spend time. He was always busy. I ran into him at another event, which was hosted by the girl I saw him with tonight. He was very friendly and flirty. He asked about my script again. I sent it to him… Then a couple months later he called me. He was going to read my script! He invited me over and I came.
We stayed up all night talking and writing and working. He gave me such good advice. We connected on such a deep level. He was smart and kind. He tried to act like a jerk, but I knew he was so kind. I could feel it. And I Loved him. I didn’t need him to be my man or my anything. In my mind, he was already my brother. I just wanted to be a part of his world. He allowed me to see his vulnerable side and that was one of the most precious evenings of my life…
In the morning I took a while to get ready. He was late for a phone meeting and annoyed. He dropped me at my car. Told me to rewrite my script and send it to him. He was real short with me. I didn’t send the script. I reached out to him a few more times and he either ignored me or responded with really short messages. So I stopped reaching out.
Time went by. Maybe a year. Then a couple of months ago, he called me. He said he had been gone and he was back in town. It wasn’t true. Over the course of his year of disappearance, people were constantly telling me about how they had met with him and talked with him and spent time with him. Maybe he had been in and out of town, but he wasn’t just gone for a whole year. We talked for about fifteen minutes. I told him he had abandoned me. He said we’d hang out that week.
He didn’t call back. I called and texted him a few times. He didn’t respond. Finally, after sending him an invite to somewhere and him not responding, I sent him a text telling him off. I told him that one day he would want to be a part of my life in some way and I told him that I would remember what an asshole he was and how he treated me with such disregard…
So you’d think I’d feel vindicated today. He tried to talk to me and I told him no. Him and his bougie lover girl looked bored and unhappy. Hot guys were flirting with me and I could see him watching. You’d think that would make me feel good. I won. But I don’t feel good about it. I feel awful. I mean, I do have some pride. I couldn’t just sit there and be a faker, acting like he didn’t just ignore me for the past year and change. I had to stand up for myself.
And here I am. I wish he would have just said sorry. Sorry Laydie. I was an ass. I would have forgiven him. And then we could have pulled another all-nighter and worked together and talked about our ideas. We could have been friends. But he didn’t say sorry and I didn’t act like nothing was wrong between us because something was wrong. How he treated me was wrong.
I need to breathe… My heart is beating too fast. I never thought this pride thing had any use, but there’s a place for it. It’s called standards. He brings the life out of me. I had forgotten. I am usually the one to bring the life out of others, but he brings the life out of me. Just by his mere presence I am invigorated. But I still don’t think I did the wrong thing by not talking to him today.
I don’t know where I got them from, but I think I have some standards now. He’s got it going on, no doubt. But he wasn’t nice to me and I don’t want to be close to people who aren’t nice to me. I’m not that desperate. Wow. I’m not that desperate…
Day 255
When You’re Not That Desperate (The Land of Standards)
So,
I’m bored out of my mind. This is where the work comes in. When it’s not easy to be happy. When you have an itch in you longing for something and you’re not even sure about what you’re longing for, but you just know that it doesn’t look like what you’re experiencing right now.
I sprained my wrist and was having body pains and the doctor recommended muscle relaxers and a wrist brace. When I asked him if it was going to fix things, he said it would get me out of pain. Reactionary solution. It would get me out of pain, but it wouldn’t fix anything. It would heal. It wouldn’t bring me back into alignment. It would just stop me from hurting myself any further and numb out my body’s natural signals that tell me something isn’t quite right. This reactionary solution would cause my wrist to not move, which would eventually make it worse. It would make me addicted to pain killers, which would eventually inhibit me from knowing what was up with my body… The long term effects didn’t seem good.
As I’m sitting here in my boredom, I’m thinking about reactionary solutions. I could go and do a whole bunch of things to stop myself from being bored. Find a distraction. Some drama. It’s always there. I could take a painkiller. Sleep is my drug of choice. I don’t want to do that, though. I want to heal.
I would like to create an exciting life. That is the real solution. Just going through the motions won’t quite cut it for me anymore. And not a life that looks exciting to other people on the outside, always going going going doing doing doing. I life that is fulfilling to me. Because going to work, coming home, writing, sleeping, and doing it all over again the next day just isn’t cutting it anymore.
And running away somewhere doesn’t cut it either. And getting involved in some man drama so that I can feel alive doesn’t cut it either. This is a choice moment. I know. There are times when you are weak and you sit back and let yourself be taken care of. And there are times when you can do something.
But I’m learning about solutions. You can always do something. I can go out tonight and do the Halloween thing. That’s not the solution, though. That’s a reactionary solution. I am looking to feed my soul and that doesn’t quite cut it.
You have given me an empty canvass to paint my life upon and here I am not knowing what to do, God. Except to write it out until I figure it out. This is all that I know to do. I tried to read one of Your books today. It told about how I will go to Hell if I don’t be good and believe in You. So, I’m good. I believe in You. So now what? I am here. On Earth. Tonight. I am feeling antsy in my life, like I’m not quite alive. Like I’m missing passion and excitement. Like there isn’t much meaning in the actions I’m taking, just a long, never-ending “to-do” list.
I’m feeling bored. And this is a big deal. This is the feeling that people have before they go hang out with one of their exes. Before they do drugs or drink. Before they put their work aside to go do something bad for them that seems exciting. Before they skip states or commit to something that they don’t really care about. Before they take a new job that doesn’t them anywhere they want to go. Before they fall in love with someone they don’t like. It’s this boredom thing.
I am going to sit here, God, until you tell me what to do. I am going to stop being a whining crybaby for just one moment and sit here, in the fullness of all that I am, until you tell me what to do. This boredom is a small thing, but it’s such a big thing. It ruins lives.
What is the truth of this feeling? It is an indication that it’s time for action on my part. Resting time is over. It is time to paint on the canvass of my life. Fear time is over. It’s just over. It is. It’s time to get out of my room and come back to the world. In a big way. As myself. I feel it so strong. The boredom tells us things. It’s not time to run and retreat into our anesthetic of choice. It’s time to change. Yes. It’s time to show up in the world in a different kind of way.
Go back to the drawing board, your empty canvass. Remember the pictures you wanted to paint. Sit until the vision is clear. Sit until the vision is clear. Sit until the vision is clear. You are building a foundation now that will be the grounding point for the rest of your life. Sit until the vision is clear.
In my vision, I don’t see a place to move to, I don’t see a job or an activity. All I see is a partner. Sit, You tell me, Until the vision is clear. Create a space for him. Use this time while you have it. To prepare a space. Not being in reaction mode running around trying to figure out a way not to be bored, but seeing the wisdom in this time, this reprieve, this opportunity to clean up before he comes. Go ahead and be bored. Be calm. Be strong. Be wise. Be open. Wide enough to see the gift in everything…
Thank You, God. Ameen.
Day 254
The Boring Stuff
Very interesting day.
Where to start? It’s about 2:40 in the morning on Tuesday. Yesterday (or Sunday night rather) I did a therapy session with my friend the therapist. It was about love and finding a partner/husband. He was helping me to figure out the deep-seated beliefs in my subconscious and release the things that weren’t true. By the time we were done with the session, I was feeling all kinds of sensations in my body, my head in particular. I needed to rest.
Today (or yesterday rather) I woke up early. I prayed, read, stretched. I started to blog, but had to hurry to get to work, so didn’t finish. I was writing affirmations to myself. “Laydie. You are full of love. You are loving and loveable. You are loving and Lovable. You are loving and lovable…”
Today I received a correspondence from the man I thought you said was my husband, God. He let me know that he’s “committed” to someone else and asked me (in so many words) to be his mistress. Side girl. Fantasy dream of sorts.
I ask myself how I feel about this. Am I hurt? Not really. Mad? No. Disappointed? Yes. Incredulous? Uh huh… My hands are tingling. My cheeks are pulsating. My body is my truth teller. I can not pretend not to feel what I feel. My body tells on me every time, even when I don’t have the words. Not disheartened either.
Done. That is the word. Just done… In the past week, I have ended so many “relationships”. I have been chronically single for so long, yet always in a relationship. Like a revolving door, somebody from the past always trying to come back and start up something. And I have always seemed to be willing to engage. A dinner. A movie. A text. A long conversation about nothing about nothing… A prolonging of a fantasy. Because none of these men ever want anything. They don’t really want to settle down. They don’t really want to be with someone who they are actually in love with. That would make them too vulnerable. They just want to play. Pass the time. Indulge into their fantasies without consequence…
I have been that girl. The fantasy girl. The one to take on trips and go to parties with. The one to talk about the deep aspects of self with. I get to meet the family. Except mom. I get love poems and jewelry. Food… I get offered all the man parts a girl can dream of. But I don’t get the man… You see, he only wants the fantasy. He doesn’t want the imperfect me. My sadness. My weaknesses. My constant thinking about everything. He doesn’t really really want to be there for me when in need, just when he needs… He doesn’t want my babies. I mean, he wants to think about having my babies, but actually having them? Nah…
I am the one for passion and pleasure. For dreams. All that other stuff? Every day land? It’s for the every day girl. The wife. She is allowed to be sad or weak or nagging and imperfect. Heck, she’s expected to be that way. She is given babies and commitment but no gifts or poems. Her fat belly is just fine because he hardly ever notices her. She is not the fantasy. I am…
It’s an interesting dynamic. I am just becoming aware of it. More often than not, I have unknowingly played the role of the fantasy girl in some guy’s drama. I have tasted the role of the every day girl, too, and it’s not the fun either, especially when your guy has a fantasy girl…
I recognize that a fantasy girl is inevitably attracted to unavailable fantasy men and an every day girl never believes that she’s worth loving, and I don’t want to be either any more.
I’m done. Delete. Exit stage right. I have been wasting precious time. This is why the enlightened ones tell you to dream your own dream, decide what it is you want to be doing with this thing called life. Because if you don’t, you might be the victim of someone else’s fantasy, and it might not look anything like the things that you imagined long ago when you still believed…
So I went on a dumping spree, but this time it was different. It wasn’t my mind or some self-help book telling me about endings. It wasn’t me dogging out all the people that I had experienced life with this far. It was my heart telling me I’m done. Enough. It was my spirit telling me to get it together. This fantasy girl is not what we set out to be. Or this every day girl stuff.
My body was screaming, “LOVE!!!” Love, girl. Love. You are done with that other stuff. Love, already. A deep Love. A seed planting Love. A come home to Love. A fantasy, real life Love. No headaches involved. No analytical conversations about how and why we should or shouldn’t be together. An easy Love. No power plays or suppression of one another’s dreams. A grown-up Love. All flaws acknowledged and accepted. My body has been telling me to Love, already.
Don’t worry about where you will find him. Just create the space. Let go of all the others. Create the space. A clean space. An open space not clouded with the energy of other men who have gotten too close. A welcoming space for a Big Love. I listen. And I obey. Delete. Delete. Delete…
Day 253
Love Already
I just read some of my old posts. I didn’t realize it, but during the time that I thought my blog was disabled, it was actually still accessible to the public…
I wrote a 500 word post just now, but it wasn’t fitting right. So I’m closing my eyes, taking off my wrist brace. Feeling like writing, but no clear topic in mind. Don’t know what’s going to come out…
“You love, you love, you love, you love”… Clarity. Power. trust. In the good. Love. Courting you, God. Seeking your voice. Who are you who got me off the bed today when just yesterday i was in the wilderness? Who are you? I want to know more about you. You saved me. Again.
I am full of sweet release. Sarah Mclachlan wrote sweet surrender. It’s a beautiful thing. I am stepping out of my mind. This is what it looks like. There is a vortex, like the eye of a tornado. Things are spinning and spinning all around, but in the center I stand. Whichever direction I look, it becomes my life. But if the wind around me gets too strong, even if I can’t stand, I am not devoured by all that is in the universe. You cover me. You take me to a still place where I can rest. Until I am healthy enough again. And then the vortex is different. What is spinning around me is different. And then I can choose again from new things…
I have been doing this for some time. Standing in the eye of the tornado and choosing and falling down and being saved and finding myself in the eye of a new tornado.
But now things look different, because it is not like there is a vortex spinning around with elements to choose from. You are telling me that I can create the vortex around me. Now I am at the top of a grassy hill. There is nothing around me. And You say that I get to build the vortex now. And, oh, that is so much choice for me. So much Power. We are taught not to believe in such things. But I see the image nonetheless.
Who are You that puts these images in my head? You say You are more than what we call God and Jesus. You say you are the Creator of all concepts, but I do not understand. You say that I am stepping into Power, but the thought scares me. Power is such a loaded word. Am I ready? I know I am ready. But let’s not choose yet. Let’s just sit in the vortex without walls. Until fear subsides, You say. Until we get used to feeling Powerful. Until we are able to fathom the meaning of all this choice.
Our hearts are clean. Yes, marry the man you just thought of, You say. LOL. He is the one I’ve chosen for you. He is the one to love. No. You are not in Love with him, but you will be in Love. More than you can imagine.
Who are You? The voice of God? How do I know and what does that mean? How do I know that this is not just my own thinking, some romantic fantasy about life? How do I know You are good and not leading me astray? How do I know anything?
– How do you know anything?
…
– Ask. It’s just that simple. Ask Me who I am. Ask if this is the truth. Ask if it’s a fantasy. Ask if your heart is clean. Ask if resentment still lingers. Ask if you are ready for a new day. Ask what you need to do. Ask. No one knows the answer more than you do. And when you don’t know the answer, wait until you do.
You see, this new vortex you are building is a big deal. There is no rush. You see yourself and the green grass and the top of the hill. You are not walled in. Something colorful on your left/right waiting to materialize. You may let go of all resentment. You may clean your heart now. Completely. Today. So We can build from there. A clean space on a grassy knoll.
Don’t worry about the past. Yes, like that. People will not understand the change. Some may be jealous or feel betrayed. Don’t worry about the past. You did your best, you hear?
But who are you?
-I AM the God of all things.
I can’t write this.
-Yes you can and you will.
It’s blasphemy.
-It is the truth of your mind.
Why do I need to let people know what goes on in my mind?
-Ask. Answer.
Because it helps them come to terms with what’s going on in their own minds.
-They do not need your permission to tell the truth, but it is a reminder, an invitation. You are doing your work, so bravo. But don’t get too big for your britches. You see, work is like that. It’s just your work to do.
Now that we are building the foundation for this new top-of-the-hill kind of existence, this vortex without walls, how shall we proceed? In this day where we are up and alive and we notice the shadows and the sunlight in our room, how shall we proceed? In the building of our new self, our new identity, which is really just our old identity unmasked, how shall we show up in the world?
Wait and Ask and Answer… And wait. And ask…
Day 252
Wait and Ask (and Answer and Wait…)
“If you want to know the truth, then be the truth.” Or something like that.
In my dream, I heard those words. Completely falling apart for the past two weeks. Wrist sprained, body pains, head ache, heart ache, grief, loss of appetite…
Not keeping any of my commitments to people I love feels the worst. Not keeping commitments to myself. Loss of integrity. Debt… Even the guilt is not enough to get me off the bed and get me to do something. The bed has been my friend. Depression. Anxiety. Fear.
I still go to work. 9-5. Easy. I’m a hero at work. Helped three people get a promotion and raise. Good with the computer systems. Smarter and nicer and more friendly than most of my peers. It doesn’t really make me feel any better about anything though.
Let’s deal with truth. Not nice words that make us feel better about ourselves. Truth. The truth is, like the song, “every now and then I fall apart”. Perhaps I’m crazy, but I don’t think so. Perhaps I suffer from depression or any other psychological disorder, but the doctors don’t think so. Perhaps someone puts a voodoo spell on me every now and then, but there’s no proving that. Or maybe nothing is wrong and I am just evolving faster than I can keep up with.
When you are falling apart, the explanations don’t even matter. I am aware that I am at a stage of my life where it is time to practice what I preach. This is not easy stuff. This state of mind is not a state that you can put a bandage over. People do crazy things when they feel like this. Self-medicate so that they don’t have to think or feel. Become very very busy… I am done with running. I’ve got that part down packed.
People will say that I’m weak. But, you see, I am. It’s the truth. I am not feeling strong. In the prehistoric days, where it was survival of the fittest supposedly, a lion would probably eat me up right about now. My mother would be yelling at me to be strong and I would be lying in an open field just not having the energy to get up and run or fight. And perhaps a lion would eat me… Or maybe the Lion would have a heart attack right at my feet and through Divine Intervention, I would be able to have a moment of weakness and still live.
Maybe weakness doesn’t always equal death. Maybe weakness is a way of letting us know that, as smart as we are, as strong as we are, as much as we have, sometimes our will alone is not enough, and even if we are lying in a field exhausted and lion approaches, even if we get up and run or fight, even if we will to live, there is another element. It is not all our doing. Our lives are not 100 percent up to us…
This is what I’m learning as I lie on the bed and disappoint everyone. As I watch Scandal and realize that I’m not on that level with my writing. As the men fight and claw to stay in my life. As I look at my closet full of unfolded clothes. Can I will myself into another experience? You say, “How’s that been working for you so far?” Not so good. Once upon a time, I was able to do it. Once upon a time it mattered that people saw me as strong and successful and, if nothing else, at least guilt and loyalty was able to push me to do things.
But now, none of that matters. The only thing that moves me is a voice, I think it’s Your voice, God, telling me that I have stuff to do here. So I’m up. It’s 7:17 am and I’ll be getting dressed for work soon. The Lion didn’t eat me. You made it vanish in thin air and everyone who saw was changed forever.
We realized that some of things we had been taught were not true. We learned that strength was not a prerequisite for life. That weakness is not death. That no condition is permanent.
That You are here, with Your own plan for us. That we were given a new day and this day is not for lying on the bed because all of sudden, we just don’t feel like it anymore. No urgency. No desperation. Not because of guilt, etc. It’s deeper than that. We just don’t feel like lying there anymore. We have regained our strength in spite of ourselves and we are grateful that we didn’t have to do it all on our own. That you saved us even when we didn’t believe in You. You changed our minds even though we don’t understand what just happened. We are grateful and we thank you. Thank You. I Thank You, God…
Day 251
For The Weak
Add new… Good morning world. I’m baaaack.
My blog is back live! I’ve missed it so much. I finally contacted the blog administrator and got things worked out and can I tell you how important this blog is to me?
I’m closing my eyes so I can see better… This writing thing is like magic to me. More than praying, more than talking, only dancing comes close. This writing thing helps me sort things out. And this blog in particular. It gives the days a sense of purpose. In my mind, I am constantly giving meaning to the days. I am constantly looking for ways to improve and appreciate. I am constantly analyzing and evaluating and I am constantly sharing and expressing. This blog has been my saving grace.
But it’s not the same when the blog isn’t working and I know there will be no audience. It’s not the same when I just write thoughts in a journal. Don’t get me wrong, writing my thoughts out in any form is very helpful, but writing for an audience, in this way, takes things to the next level. In this way, I become a part of it all. Even if only one person comes to the site in day, through this blog, I become connected to the world and it’s not just me sitting in a lonely room writing in my journal. I really Love this outlet and I appreciate you so much for reading, for giving me this opportunity to share and grow with you. I have no idea who most of the people are who read this blog, but I want you to know that you make a difference in my life. Thank you.
So… for today… I am crying right now. Tears of joy and gratitude. I am grateful. I slept well yesterday. A friend sponsored a trip to a spa where I got a massage and sat in a sauna. I ate a good lunch with coworkers and a good dinner with friend. I have a temporary roommate. He cooks and helps with rent and his presence forces me to stay clean and decorate and stuff… I have a job. I love going there. The work has zero stress involved and my coworkers are awesome. I get medical insurance and I’m a part of a (watch out now) union. The bills get paid. The blog gets renewed.
The men are gone. They come and go. I meet a new one at least twice a month, but the old ones, the recurring exes, are gone. I wrote them letters, sent them texts, talked to them, etc. Said goodbye. They were holding me. All these unspoken agreements to wait for someone, get back with someone, marry someone one of these days, be someone’s fake girlfriend or part-time whatever. I was beginning to feel a bit like a floozy. All these guys (I mean, there weren’t that many of them, but there were enough to say all these guys)… Hardly any of the men I have ever interacted with, since I was 16 years ago, have ever completed disappeared. None of them. They are gone, but not. I think one of them is married, but not. They resurface. Asking me to be their mistress. Asking me to go to dinner. Come visit. Preserve myself. Sending random loaded texts saying hello. Wanting to hang out… I had to look at all this. This pattern of always having a man but never having a man. It wasn’t them. They have their own patterns and their own issues. They are not interested in falling in love for real, being committed to someone for real, building a life with someone…
It has been years and all these fine, eligible men are still single! And they come back to me, because I am safe. They can continue pretending forever with me. Or so they thought.
So what’s this blog about? The men? Maybe. I got sick last week. Body just fell apart. After about five months of growth, I had just crossed over to the professional writer thresh-hold, spending at least ten hours a week with creative writing.
Then I sprained my wrist. Then I sprained my body. Then entire right side of my body was in excrutiating pain. My head hurt. My heart hurt. My paycheck didn’t seem so big. I had crazy scary dreams. The exes came sniffing around. I felt so weak. Too weak to do anything. I felt confused. I don’t know about you, but sometimes, for those of us “deep” people, life just falls apart. It’s like everything just doesn’t make sense anymore and we become teenagers again, asking what is the purpose of it all. Why are we going to work? Why am I spending my free time writing everyday instead of, oh, I don’t know, eating avocados? Why do anything at all when I’m just going to die anyway? Shouldn’t I be praying or something or focusing on the next world? Who said there’s a next world? How do I know? Who’s version should I believe? Why aren’t I in some place where the air is cleaner? Where’s my husband? Will he ever come? Will I never be wealthy again? How long will it take? Is my crumbling health going to render me incapacitated? How will I ever pay off my debt? Will anyone ever hear the beautiful song that I wrote? Will my life be worth anything? Will I love someone again? Will he love me back? Will I love with my whole heart again?
All of these questions bombarded me all at once. I don’t know what set it off. I think it was some new dude telling me that I was the woman he’d been praying for forever. -_-
I didn’t feel the same way about him, but he was convinced. He wasn’t trying to play games. He had fallen for me at first sight. He was convinced. And I wasn’t. The tragedy of it all was overwhelming. I had been there before. On the other side. You pray and you pray and you think God led you somewhere. You see a vision. Like, not just in your head, but in your whole self, you see a vision and it’s that person. You think that it’s fate. You think you are in love. And that person is so perfect for you. Everything you’ve ever dreamed of and then some. The two of you get along so wonderfully. You love their character. You experience such joy. You want to be your best self in their presence. You want to spend a life with them… But they are not convinced. How is it possible, God? Why is it possible?
I didn’t have an answer for this sweethearted man who was standing at my steps with his heart in his hand. So I figured the best that I could do would be to let him go. Help him move on by not letting him get too used to my smile. I would want someone to do that for me. Don’t be mean, but just don’t tease me. Don’t give me anything to build on, because people in love will build on anything… So I let him go. He didn’t want to leave, though.
And I noticed the feeling. The feeling of being held by him. It was like he was pulling. My back. Like those people that hang from ceilings with hooks in their back. It felt like that. Like I had a hook in my back. Upon further examination, I noticed several hooks. In my back and in my stomach near my womb in particular. Men. From the past. Pulling. Heavy things. From the past. Pulling at me. I could feel it in my body because I’m weird like that…
But I knew I had to let them go. For real for real. On a deep level. I prayed about it. You know, you just have to choose where you get your guidance from. People will debate till the end of time. Do you go to church? Do you read the Q’uran? Do you read some self-help book? Go to a psychic or therapist or healer of sorts? Ask your mom or people close to you? Do you rely on your own mind? Or do you pray or meditate? Do you write until you sort things out? I don’t have the answer. I believe that there is a Guide. I believe that there is an intuitive part of us that know when we have eaten good food versus bad food. And so, when my heart is heavy, when I am having an existential crisis, when my body breaks down for no apparent reason, I rely on God, the Guide that lives in me and in everything, to lead me to nourishment. I pray and a listen. And I walk where I am directed. It makes absolutely no sense at all, but it has worked for me.
I was led to release. The men. To remove the hooks. All of them. Once and for all. Finally.
This blog is long, I know. I’m not going to edit it, though. I’ve been needing to express myself for quite some time, so this is all the build-up of my repressed thoughts. I don’t tell anyone this stuff. Most of my friends just want to talk about themselves. Thank you for reading…
So, the men. I found Dream Lover lodged in my brain. What a beautiful time we had! Oh what a life we lived for that short moment in time. It seems like a dream looking back at it. Everything was so perfect. I accepted the beauty of everything that was. I didn’t try to villianize him or even figure out why he left. I didn’t blame myself. I just accepted that he left and that I may never know why. The fact of the matter is, that time, that relationship is over. Never to be repeated. Even if he reappeared, that time is over. I allowed myself to stop waiting for him to reappear. I sent him a letter.
I found Almost Famous surrounding my spirit. His voice like smooth Chardonnay (even though I don’t drink). His kind spirit. His arms, always there for me. Always. He never said he Loved me, but he showed me so much Love. I thought he was the one. The new one. But he didn’t want to be. I don’t know why. Maybe he doesn’t know. He is too kind to say that I am (too tall, too short, too quiet, too loud, to skinny, too fat, too sensitive, not sensitive enough, too controlling, not powerful enough, etc). He would never say anything to me that would bring me down, and I Love him all the more for that. But I had to accept that he didn’t want to be my man. I had to accept that and let go of the thought that one day he would come around… And I did. And I let him know. And of course, he responded better than I would have anticipated, because that’s what he does…
The others, the ones who I didn’t hold, but yet held me, I let them go as well. Strings. Hooks. Removed. Bleeding. Weakness. Screaming. Resistance… Compassion. Release. Acceptance… Release. Acceptance. Acceptance…
DNA. Changing. Body. Changing. Mind. Changing. Opening. Heavy weights lifted off of me… Confusion. Clearing. Growth. Happening. Time for new blog. New shoes. Feet need to be protected. Safe. New way of relating to world. To self…
Let’s not pretend. You know how you go through something and then you want to act like you know it all because you learned whatever lesson? Let’s not pretend that we know it all. Let’s not pretend that we are not afraid and sad sometimes. Let’s not pretend that every now and then, we don’t fall apart for reasons unknown to us. Let’s not pretend that we have the universe all figured out or that we are always happy. Let’s not pretend that we don’t have pains in our chests, regrets in our minds, resentments that we are holding. Let’s not pretend that we are not frustrated with the way things are sometimes. Our weaknesses. Our seeming lack. Our inability to manifest a million dollars out of thin air (that’s my pet peeve).
Let’s tell the truth. It is such a freeing thing to say that I don’t know why Dream Lover disappeared, but I know that I had the time of my life with him. There is no desperation around that statement. There is no fear. Strangely enough, there is hope in telling the truth.
You look back at your life and you see all the places you have been. For me, I have experienced things that I never thought I would see. Me, the little ugly quiet ghetto girl. I see the relationships I have had. Phenomenal. Better than I could have imagined. Even now. When I tell the truth, I realize that life has been better than I have dreamed and therefore it can be even better than I am dreaming now.
So this is what this blog is about. All those words to get to this point. It’s about telling the truth. Accepting the truth. I don’t know everything. I hardly know anything. I don’t want to change the world or be the queen of whatever.
The truth is that on any given day, life is full of possibility. We can forgive. We can say sorry. We can speak our minds and let someone know what we think they’ve done to us. On any given day, we can rest and rejuvenate ourselves. We can seek guidance when we don’t have the answer. And we can share. The truth is, today I just wanted to share. I just wanted to say thank you for reading and being a part of making my life better. Thank you…
Day 250
This Sharing Thing
So, It’s been a while. They cancelled my blog, so I haven’t written. But I miss writing.
But I don’t have time now, because I just sat on the phone for an hour arguing with a guy who flaked on me this morning and was trying to talk about me for living my life on a schedule….
I’ve forgotten how to do the blog thing now. I’m supposed to just write what was on my mind, but it was purposeful. I don’t know what the subject matter is for now. I think this is the last part, though. The initiation. Actually, I know this is the last part. I am already on the other side of happy. Now I am learning how to actually live this way in my day to day as I interact with people and come out into the world.
I’m not home that much anymore. I spend nine hours a day at work and then two hours writing, so I’m pretty much out of the house doing something from 7:15am to 8pm. Then I come home. I’m tired, but not that tired. I’m not really dating anymore. I meet guys literally every single day. I talk to them. Maybe we go out once or twice. They try to hit on me. They say something I don’t like. They ask me to change my schedule for them. They flake. They get mad that I work so much. Some offer to help (with a catch). They want to spend the night or try to get all up close and personal…. It makes me miss Dream Lover…. He was horrible, but he wasn’t imposing. He never asked me for sex. He was respectful. And his vibe was amazing. So high. I felt like I was living in clouds.
I think I’m holding out for that. Not him, but that. Some guy that I feel lifted by just by being in his presence. Some guy that I just get along with. Maybe I have become inflexible, but I don’t think so. I finally am getting my life together. Y’all know it has taken me a long time. I have been struggling with survival stuff for a good year now, and just this month, just this month, I am finally going to be able to pay all of my rent and bills by myself. I have tried to rely on men. They let me down. They make promises and take them away. Only follow-through halfway. My mom and my family and my close friends have been my support system through this time, not some dude.
So I don’t feel apologetic for putting my work ahead of all these silly wanna be relationships. They will not pay the rent if I can’t pay it. Some of them couldn’t even pay the rent if they wanted to because they can barely take care of their own selves…
I would like a man, though. My script is almost done. I have a producer already. I’m actually going to be in pre-production very very soon. I’m going to have a new roommate very very soon. A friend. Learning how to get along with people again. It’s just been me and a handful of long-distance people for some time. I’m going to be up close and personal again. It’s good preparation.
I have a couple of exes to completely get out of my system. I didn’t realize that I still had some Dream Lover residue. I let go of Almost Famous and I feel good about that. I loved me some him, but he didn’t want to be with me. There was nothing else to do. I’m glad that I met him, though. He was actually trustworthy. He never did anything to hurt me. He was considerate and he was always, always there for me when I needed him, even though I was never his girlfriend. He said sorry when he thought he had did something wrong and he didn’t say sorry when he felt I was at fault. He put me in check without being mean, and he never once called me crazy or silly or stupid or anything negative. He was just cool with me exactly as I am. He’d be at a party in the middle of the night with his fancy famous people and answer my call and make sure I was all right. He never said “I love you” or “I care about you” or “I’m your friend” or anything like that. He showed it. This is what they mean by “more than words.”
I am a writer and so I know about words. Words are the verbal expressions of our thoughts, but that’s all they are. They are a starting point for some. The proof of who we truly are is in how we live. We don’t even have to say anything. People will look at us and know. People will see how we treat them and how we treat each other and know who we are.
Almost Famous was a King. Of course he’s human and has his own flaws, but he was a man of God. He was someone who you could place your heart with and know that it would be safe. He’s actually one of the only men I have ever known in my life that I felt I could place my heart with and be safe.
And so I’m glad to know that this kind of men exists in the world.
I don’t feel bad about not changing my schedule to accommodate my friend who flaked on me didn’t say sorry and now wants me to change my schedule and is talking about me for even having a schedule. He better go somewhere with all that. He says I’m prideful because I won’t change my schedule for him…
You know what? People will tell you all kinds of things about yourself, especially when you don’t do what they want you to do. They are just words. They have no power over you unless you let them. Not saying to ignore helpful advice on how to improve oneself, but just saying. Get to know yourself, so that when someone comes at you and tells you: “You’re stupid if you think you’re going to have a boyfriend without putting out” or “you need to change up your schedule to make time for me” or “stop working so hard” or anything that you know is just not good for you, you can recognize it for what it is: BIG FAT LIES. Lies told by people with a limited perspective. Lies intended to move you from the direction you had for yourself. Even if you haven’t figured out the truth yet, learn to recognize a lie.
The Truth is more than words… More than words.
Day 249
More Than Words
I don’t think my blog webpage works any more.
It’s OK. Change time, huh? This blog’s for me.
Vacation over. Back to work soon. Change. “What will this day be like? I wonder…” Will I ever write a classic as great as The Sound of Music?
I think I will. I think I can. I think great things are in store for me. Mr. Almost Famous said it, so it’s got to be true. But I thought it was true before he said it.
A lot has been going on. In the other place. The deep place… Last night I had what they call a nightmare. I heard something come in my room. It came to my bed. I was paralyzed. It shook the bed, taunting me, daring me to turn around. I couldn’t. I was frozen stiff. In my mind, I was praying, convincing myself that I was not afraid. Finally I yanked myself awake and turned around!
Nothing.
I cried.
I prayed.
I heard noises in the other room. I didn’t feel like leaning on my fam or friends so I didn’t call anyone. I know. Dangerous. I wanted to lean on God, though. I wanted to be safe on my own. So I went back to sleep.
And I woke up today. It’s 3:30 pm. I have been in the house all day.
Call me crazy, but I know that when I walk outside… I just made a phone call to someone who hardly ever answers… He answered. He said he didn’t want to let it go to voicemail… How does he always know? How is he always there when I need him, God?
I am sitting at home feeling blessed beyond my fondest dreams. How can things be confusing and yet I don’t feel confused? I feel powerful, and I must come to terms with this word once and for all. Power…
It is a root word. It is a word governing so much evil. Power. People trying to have control over each other. Us. We… Power.
So, yesterday, I went out in the world to two events. People approached me all day long. Someone asked me to be a lead dancer in his dance troupe, a troupe that dances for God. People complemented me, saying they felt blessed by my presence. I’m not exaggerating. I felt like a celebrity. I felt powerful, and it scared me.
Because that word, power, has never been associated with anything good. That word had been reserved for God alone and the evil people who were against God.
But power is necessary, especially when you are making changes. You will have to be strong enough not to revert back to your old ways when things become difficult. You will have to be powerful to contend with demons and habits from the past. The power does not originate with us, but it flows through us…
You are going to laugh at me, but I feel so powerful that I don’t want to go outside. Something wonderful is happening to me. I am becoming a woman in her fullness… Everything I prayed for… It’s a lot. Just walking through that festival and being admired was a whole lot for me yesterday.
Allah, I feel like all of my prayers will be answered. They are already answered. I am afraid. This is what you prayed for, You tell me. This is who you are. But I only thought it was a prayer, a dream… I never imagined it would actually come true…
Opportunities are knocking on my door. I know where they come from. You. I cry out of sheer gratitude these days. I cry out of pure release… I am not even worried about the future. I feel powerful, God, like everything is OK. Is that OK? You say yes, because I know where the source of Power is. You say I am strong enough and kind enough to know Power now. You say that I know You now and so the power will not lead me astray…
Am I arrogant? Slightly, but just enough to balance out my sweetness. I accept spiritual power. I accept the fruition and fulfillment of my deepest dreams come true. I allow them to become my life now. Now. Now. Now. Now. Now. My life is a dream come true.
We have traversed so many landscapes together. We have dreamed for quite some time. Always something in the distance. We now come face to face with our dream come true. Real Love, Absolute, beckons. I hear it calling my name. Purposeful work, Divine work, whispers in the night. Close enough to touch. A majestic peace of mind washes over me in the midst of all storms and I’m all right…
I am at the beginning of living an intentional life, aren’t I? I am not that old girl anymore. I’m just not her anymore. Stand up and take Your place, You say. And I will. You are always with me. And I do. You are always with me…
Ameen
Day 248
In The Beginning
