Very interesting day.
Where to start? It’s about 2:40 in the morning on Tuesday. Yesterday (or Sunday night rather) I did a therapy session with my friend the therapist. It was about love and finding a partner/husband. He was helping me to figure out the deep-seated beliefs in my subconscious and release the things that weren’t true. By the time we were done with the session, I was feeling all kinds of sensations in my body, my head in particular. I needed to rest.
Today (or yesterday rather) I woke up early. I prayed, read, stretched. I started to blog, but had to hurry to get to work, so didn’t finish. I was writing affirmations to myself. “Laydie. You are full of love. You are loving and loveable. You are loving and Lovable. You are loving and lovable…”
Today I received a correspondence from the man I thought you said was my husband, God. He let me know that he’s “committed” to someone else and asked me (in so many words) to be his mistress. Side girl. Fantasy dream of sorts.
I ask myself how I feel about this. Am I hurt? Not really. Mad? No. Disappointed? Yes. Incredulous? Uh huh… My hands are tingling. My cheeks are pulsating. My body is my truth teller. I can not pretend not to feel what I feel. My body tells on me every time, even when I don’t have the words. Not disheartened either.
Done. That is the word. Just done… In the past week, I have ended so many “relationships”. I have been chronically single for so long, yet always in a relationship. Like a revolving door, somebody from the past always trying to come back and start up something. And I have always seemed to be willing to engage. A dinner. A movie. A text. A long conversation about nothing about nothing… A prolonging of a fantasy. Because none of these men ever want anything. They don’t really want to settle down. They don’t really want to be with someone who they are actually in love with. That would make them too vulnerable. They just want to play. Pass the time. Indulge into their fantasies without consequence…
I have been that girl. The fantasy girl. The one to take on trips and go to parties with. The one to talk about the deep aspects of self with. I get to meet the family. Except mom. I get love poems and jewelry. Food… I get offered all the man parts a girl can dream of. But I don’t get the man… You see, he only wants the fantasy. He doesn’t want the imperfect me. My sadness. My weaknesses. My constant thinking about everything. He doesn’t really really want to be there for me when in need, just when he needs… He doesn’t want my babies. I mean, he wants to think about having my babies, but actually having them? Nah…
I am the one for passion and pleasure. For dreams. All that other stuff? Every day land? It’s for the every day girl. The wife. She is allowed to be sad or weak or nagging and imperfect. Heck, she’s expected to be that way. She is given babies and commitment but no gifts or poems. Her fat belly is just fine because he hardly ever notices her. She is not the fantasy. I am…
It’s an interesting dynamic. I am just becoming aware of it. More often than not, I have unknowingly played the role of the fantasy girl in some guy’s drama. I have tasted the role of the every day girl, too, and it’s not the fun either, especially when your guy has a fantasy girl…
I recognize that a fantasy girl is inevitably attracted to unavailable fantasy men and an every day girl never believes that she’s worth loving, and I don’t want to be either any more.
I’m done. Delete. Exit stage right. I have been wasting precious time. This is why the enlightened ones tell you to dream your own dream, decide what it is you want to be doing with this thing called life. Because if you don’t, you might be the victim of someone else’s fantasy, and it might not look anything like the things that you imagined long ago when you still believed…
So I went on a dumping spree, but this time it was different. It wasn’t my mind or some self-help book telling me about endings. It wasn’t me dogging out all the people that I had experienced life with this far. It was my heart telling me I’m done. Enough. It was my spirit telling me to get it together. This fantasy girl is not what we set out to be. Or this every day girl stuff.
My body was screaming, “LOVE!!!” Love, girl. Love. You are done with that other stuff. Love, already. A deep Love. A seed planting Love. A come home to Love. A fantasy, real life Love. No headaches involved. No analytical conversations about how and why we should or shouldn’t be together. An easy Love. No power plays or suppression of one another’s dreams. A grown-up Love. All flaws acknowledged and accepted. My body has been telling me to Love, already.
Don’t worry about where you will find him. Just create the space. Let go of all the others. Create the space. A clean space. An open space not clouded with the energy of other men who have gotten too close. A welcoming space for a Big Love. I listen. And I obey. Delete. Delete. Delete…
Day 253
Love Already
I just read some of my old posts. I didn’t realize it, but during the time that I thought my blog was disabled, it was actually still accessible to the public…
I wrote a 500 word post just now, but it wasn’t fitting right. So I’m closing my eyes, taking off my wrist brace. Feeling like writing, but no clear topic in mind. Don’t know what’s going to come out…
“You love, you love, you love, you love”… Clarity. Power. trust. In the good. Love. Courting you, God. Seeking your voice. Who are you who got me off the bed today when just yesterday i was in the wilderness? Who are you? I want to know more about you. You saved me. Again.
I am full of sweet release. Sarah Mclachlan wrote sweet surrender. It’s a beautiful thing. I am stepping out of my mind. This is what it looks like. There is a vortex, like the eye of a tornado. Things are spinning and spinning all around, but in the center I stand. Whichever direction I look, it becomes my life. But if the wind around me gets too strong, even if I can’t stand, I am not devoured by all that is in the universe. You cover me. You take me to a still place where I can rest. Until I am healthy enough again. And then the vortex is different. What is spinning around me is different. And then I can choose again from new things…
I have been doing this for some time. Standing in the eye of the tornado and choosing and falling down and being saved and finding myself in the eye of a new tornado.
But now things look different, because it is not like there is a vortex spinning around with elements to choose from. You are telling me that I can create the vortex around me. Now I am at the top of a grassy hill. There is nothing around me. And You say that I get to build the vortex now. And, oh, that is so much choice for me. So much Power. We are taught not to believe in such things. But I see the image nonetheless.
Who are You that puts these images in my head? You say You are more than what we call God and Jesus. You say you are the Creator of all concepts, but I do not understand. You say that I am stepping into Power, but the thought scares me. Power is such a loaded word. Am I ready? I know I am ready. But let’s not choose yet. Let’s just sit in the vortex without walls. Until fear subsides, You say. Until we get used to feeling Powerful. Until we are able to fathom the meaning of all this choice.
Our hearts are clean. Yes, marry the man you just thought of, You say. LOL. He is the one I’ve chosen for you. He is the one to love. No. You are not in Love with him, but you will be in Love. More than you can imagine.
Who are You? The voice of God? How do I know and what does that mean? How do I know that this is not just my own thinking, some romantic fantasy about life? How do I know You are good and not leading me astray? How do I know anything?
– How do you know anything?
…
– Ask. It’s just that simple. Ask Me who I am. Ask if this is the truth. Ask if it’s a fantasy. Ask if your heart is clean. Ask if resentment still lingers. Ask if you are ready for a new day. Ask what you need to do. Ask. No one knows the answer more than you do. And when you don’t know the answer, wait until you do.
You see, this new vortex you are building is a big deal. There is no rush. You see yourself and the green grass and the top of the hill. You are not walled in. Something colorful on your left/right waiting to materialize. You may let go of all resentment. You may clean your heart now. Completely. Today. So We can build from there. A clean space on a grassy knoll.
Don’t worry about the past. Yes, like that. People will not understand the change. Some may be jealous or feel betrayed. Don’t worry about the past. You did your best, you hear?
But who are you?
-I AM the God of all things.
I can’t write this.
-Yes you can and you will.
It’s blasphemy.
-It is the truth of your mind.
Why do I need to let people know what goes on in my mind?
-Ask. Answer.
Because it helps them come to terms with what’s going on in their own minds.
-They do not need your permission to tell the truth, but it is a reminder, an invitation. You are doing your work, so bravo. But don’t get too big for your britches. You see, work is like that. It’s just your work to do.
Now that we are building the foundation for this new top-of-the-hill kind of existence, this vortex without walls, how shall we proceed? In this day where we are up and alive and we notice the shadows and the sunlight in our room, how shall we proceed? In the building of our new self, our new identity, which is really just our old identity unmasked, how shall we show up in the world?
Wait and Ask and Answer… And wait. And ask…
Day 252
Wait and Ask (and Answer and Wait…)
“If you want to know the truth, then be the truth.” Or something like that.
In my dream, I heard those words. Completely falling apart for the past two weeks. Wrist sprained, body pains, head ache, heart ache, grief, loss of appetite…
Not keeping any of my commitments to people I love feels the worst. Not keeping commitments to myself. Loss of integrity. Debt… Even the guilt is not enough to get me off the bed and get me to do something. The bed has been my friend. Depression. Anxiety. Fear.
I still go to work. 9-5. Easy. I’m a hero at work. Helped three people get a promotion and raise. Good with the computer systems. Smarter and nicer and more friendly than most of my peers. It doesn’t really make me feel any better about anything though.
Let’s deal with truth. Not nice words that make us feel better about ourselves. Truth. The truth is, like the song, “every now and then I fall apart”. Perhaps I’m crazy, but I don’t think so. Perhaps I suffer from depression or any other psychological disorder, but the doctors don’t think so. Perhaps someone puts a voodoo spell on me every now and then, but there’s no proving that. Or maybe nothing is wrong and I am just evolving faster than I can keep up with.
When you are falling apart, the explanations don’t even matter. I am aware that I am at a stage of my life where it is time to practice what I preach. This is not easy stuff. This state of mind is not a state that you can put a bandage over. People do crazy things when they feel like this. Self-medicate so that they don’t have to think or feel. Become very very busy… I am done with running. I’ve got that part down packed.
People will say that I’m weak. But, you see, I am. It’s the truth. I am not feeling strong. In the prehistoric days, where it was survival of the fittest supposedly, a lion would probably eat me up right about now. My mother would be yelling at me to be strong and I would be lying in an open field just not having the energy to get up and run or fight. And perhaps a lion would eat me… Or maybe the Lion would have a heart attack right at my feet and through Divine Intervention, I would be able to have a moment of weakness and still live.
Maybe weakness doesn’t always equal death. Maybe weakness is a way of letting us know that, as smart as we are, as strong as we are, as much as we have, sometimes our will alone is not enough, and even if we are lying in a field exhausted and lion approaches, even if we get up and run or fight, even if we will to live, there is another element. It is not all our doing. Our lives are not 100 percent up to us…
This is what I’m learning as I lie on the bed and disappoint everyone. As I watch Scandal and realize that I’m not on that level with my writing. As the men fight and claw to stay in my life. As I look at my closet full of unfolded clothes. Can I will myself into another experience? You say, “How’s that been working for you so far?” Not so good. Once upon a time, I was able to do it. Once upon a time it mattered that people saw me as strong and successful and, if nothing else, at least guilt and loyalty was able to push me to do things.
But now, none of that matters. The only thing that moves me is a voice, I think it’s Your voice, God, telling me that I have stuff to do here. So I’m up. It’s 7:17 am and I’ll be getting dressed for work soon. The Lion didn’t eat me. You made it vanish in thin air and everyone who saw was changed forever.
We realized that some of things we had been taught were not true. We learned that strength was not a prerequisite for life. That weakness is not death. That no condition is permanent.
That You are here, with Your own plan for us. That we were given a new day and this day is not for lying on the bed because all of sudden, we just don’t feel like it anymore. No urgency. No desperation. Not because of guilt, etc. It’s deeper than that. We just don’t feel like lying there anymore. We have regained our strength in spite of ourselves and we are grateful that we didn’t have to do it all on our own. That you saved us even when we didn’t believe in You. You changed our minds even though we don’t understand what just happened. We are grateful and we thank you. Thank You. I Thank You, God…
Day 251
For The Weak
Add new… Good morning world. I’m baaaack.
My blog is back live! I’ve missed it so much. I finally contacted the blog administrator and got things worked out and can I tell you how important this blog is to me?
I’m closing my eyes so I can see better… This writing thing is like magic to me. More than praying, more than talking, only dancing comes close. This writing thing helps me sort things out. And this blog in particular. It gives the days a sense of purpose. In my mind, I am constantly giving meaning to the days. I am constantly looking for ways to improve and appreciate. I am constantly analyzing and evaluating and I am constantly sharing and expressing. This blog has been my saving grace.
But it’s not the same when the blog isn’t working and I know there will be no audience. It’s not the same when I just write thoughts in a journal. Don’t get me wrong, writing my thoughts out in any form is very helpful, but writing for an audience, in this way, takes things to the next level. In this way, I become a part of it all. Even if only one person comes to the site in day, through this blog, I become connected to the world and it’s not just me sitting in a lonely room writing in my journal. I really Love this outlet and I appreciate you so much for reading, for giving me this opportunity to share and grow with you. I have no idea who most of the people are who read this blog, but I want you to know that you make a difference in my life. Thank you.
So… for today… I am crying right now. Tears of joy and gratitude. I am grateful. I slept well yesterday. A friend sponsored a trip to a spa where I got a massage and sat in a sauna. I ate a good lunch with coworkers and a good dinner with friend. I have a temporary roommate. He cooks and helps with rent and his presence forces me to stay clean and decorate and stuff… I have a job. I love going there. The work has zero stress involved and my coworkers are awesome. I get medical insurance and I’m a part of a (watch out now) union. The bills get paid. The blog gets renewed.
The men are gone. They come and go. I meet a new one at least twice a month, but the old ones, the recurring exes, are gone. I wrote them letters, sent them texts, talked to them, etc. Said goodbye. They were holding me. All these unspoken agreements to wait for someone, get back with someone, marry someone one of these days, be someone’s fake girlfriend or part-time whatever. I was beginning to feel a bit like a floozy. All these guys (I mean, there weren’t that many of them, but there were enough to say all these guys)… Hardly any of the men I have ever interacted with, since I was 16 years ago, have ever completed disappeared. None of them. They are gone, but not. I think one of them is married, but not. They resurface. Asking me to be their mistress. Asking me to go to dinner. Come visit. Preserve myself. Sending random loaded texts saying hello. Wanting to hang out… I had to look at all this. This pattern of always having a man but never having a man. It wasn’t them. They have their own patterns and their own issues. They are not interested in falling in love for real, being committed to someone for real, building a life with someone…
It has been years and all these fine, eligible men are still single! And they come back to me, because I am safe. They can continue pretending forever with me. Or so they thought.
So what’s this blog about? The men? Maybe. I got sick last week. Body just fell apart. After about five months of growth, I had just crossed over to the professional writer thresh-hold, spending at least ten hours a week with creative writing.
Then I sprained my wrist. Then I sprained my body. Then entire right side of my body was in excrutiating pain. My head hurt. My heart hurt. My paycheck didn’t seem so big. I had crazy scary dreams. The exes came sniffing around. I felt so weak. Too weak to do anything. I felt confused. I don’t know about you, but sometimes, for those of us “deep” people, life just falls apart. It’s like everything just doesn’t make sense anymore and we become teenagers again, asking what is the purpose of it all. Why are we going to work? Why am I spending my free time writing everyday instead of, oh, I don’t know, eating avocados? Why do anything at all when I’m just going to die anyway? Shouldn’t I be praying or something or focusing on the next world? Who said there’s a next world? How do I know? Who’s version should I believe? Why aren’t I in some place where the air is cleaner? Where’s my husband? Will he ever come? Will I never be wealthy again? How long will it take? Is my crumbling health going to render me incapacitated? How will I ever pay off my debt? Will anyone ever hear the beautiful song that I wrote? Will my life be worth anything? Will I love someone again? Will he love me back? Will I love with my whole heart again?
All of these questions bombarded me all at once. I don’t know what set it off. I think it was some new dude telling me that I was the woman he’d been praying for forever. -_-
I didn’t feel the same way about him, but he was convinced. He wasn’t trying to play games. He had fallen for me at first sight. He was convinced. And I wasn’t. The tragedy of it all was overwhelming. I had been there before. On the other side. You pray and you pray and you think God led you somewhere. You see a vision. Like, not just in your head, but in your whole self, you see a vision and it’s that person. You think that it’s fate. You think you are in love. And that person is so perfect for you. Everything you’ve ever dreamed of and then some. The two of you get along so wonderfully. You love their character. You experience such joy. You want to be your best self in their presence. You want to spend a life with them… But they are not convinced. How is it possible, God? Why is it possible?
I didn’t have an answer for this sweethearted man who was standing at my steps with his heart in his hand. So I figured the best that I could do would be to let him go. Help him move on by not letting him get too used to my smile. I would want someone to do that for me. Don’t be mean, but just don’t tease me. Don’t give me anything to build on, because people in love will build on anything… So I let him go. He didn’t want to leave, though.
And I noticed the feeling. The feeling of being held by him. It was like he was pulling. My back. Like those people that hang from ceilings with hooks in their back. It felt like that. Like I had a hook in my back. Upon further examination, I noticed several hooks. In my back and in my stomach near my womb in particular. Men. From the past. Pulling. Heavy things. From the past. Pulling at me. I could feel it in my body because I’m weird like that…
But I knew I had to let them go. For real for real. On a deep level. I prayed about it. You know, you just have to choose where you get your guidance from. People will debate till the end of time. Do you go to church? Do you read the Q’uran? Do you read some self-help book? Go to a psychic or therapist or healer of sorts? Ask your mom or people close to you? Do you rely on your own mind? Or do you pray or meditate? Do you write until you sort things out? I don’t have the answer. I believe that there is a Guide. I believe that there is an intuitive part of us that know when we have eaten good food versus bad food. And so, when my heart is heavy, when I am having an existential crisis, when my body breaks down for no apparent reason, I rely on God, the Guide that lives in me and in everything, to lead me to nourishment. I pray and a listen. And I walk where I am directed. It makes absolutely no sense at all, but it has worked for me.
I was led to release. The men. To remove the hooks. All of them. Once and for all. Finally.
This blog is long, I know. I’m not going to edit it, though. I’ve been needing to express myself for quite some time, so this is all the build-up of my repressed thoughts. I don’t tell anyone this stuff. Most of my friends just want to talk about themselves. Thank you for reading…
So, the men. I found Dream Lover lodged in my brain. What a beautiful time we had! Oh what a life we lived for that short moment in time. It seems like a dream looking back at it. Everything was so perfect. I accepted the beauty of everything that was. I didn’t try to villianize him or even figure out why he left. I didn’t blame myself. I just accepted that he left and that I may never know why. The fact of the matter is, that time, that relationship is over. Never to be repeated. Even if he reappeared, that time is over. I allowed myself to stop waiting for him to reappear. I sent him a letter.
I found Almost Famous surrounding my spirit. His voice like smooth Chardonnay (even though I don’t drink). His kind spirit. His arms, always there for me. Always. He never said he Loved me, but he showed me so much Love. I thought he was the one. The new one. But he didn’t want to be. I don’t know why. Maybe he doesn’t know. He is too kind to say that I am (too tall, too short, too quiet, too loud, to skinny, too fat, too sensitive, not sensitive enough, too controlling, not powerful enough, etc). He would never say anything to me that would bring me down, and I Love him all the more for that. But I had to accept that he didn’t want to be my man. I had to accept that and let go of the thought that one day he would come around… And I did. And I let him know. And of course, he responded better than I would have anticipated, because that’s what he does…
The others, the ones who I didn’t hold, but yet held me, I let them go as well. Strings. Hooks. Removed. Bleeding. Weakness. Screaming. Resistance… Compassion. Release. Acceptance… Release. Acceptance. Acceptance…
DNA. Changing. Body. Changing. Mind. Changing. Opening. Heavy weights lifted off of me… Confusion. Clearing. Growth. Happening. Time for new blog. New shoes. Feet need to be protected. Safe. New way of relating to world. To self…
Let’s not pretend. You know how you go through something and then you want to act like you know it all because you learned whatever lesson? Let’s not pretend that we know it all. Let’s not pretend that we are not afraid and sad sometimes. Let’s not pretend that every now and then, we don’t fall apart for reasons unknown to us. Let’s not pretend that we have the universe all figured out or that we are always happy. Let’s not pretend that we don’t have pains in our chests, regrets in our minds, resentments that we are holding. Let’s not pretend that we are not frustrated with the way things are sometimes. Our weaknesses. Our seeming lack. Our inability to manifest a million dollars out of thin air (that’s my pet peeve).
Let’s tell the truth. It is such a freeing thing to say that I don’t know why Dream Lover disappeared, but I know that I had the time of my life with him. There is no desperation around that statement. There is no fear. Strangely enough, there is hope in telling the truth.
You look back at your life and you see all the places you have been. For me, I have experienced things that I never thought I would see. Me, the little ugly quiet ghetto girl. I see the relationships I have had. Phenomenal. Better than I could have imagined. Even now. When I tell the truth, I realize that life has been better than I have dreamed and therefore it can be even better than I am dreaming now.
So this is what this blog is about. All those words to get to this point. It’s about telling the truth. Accepting the truth. I don’t know everything. I hardly know anything. I don’t want to change the world or be the queen of whatever.
The truth is that on any given day, life is full of possibility. We can forgive. We can say sorry. We can speak our minds and let someone know what we think they’ve done to us. On any given day, we can rest and rejuvenate ourselves. We can seek guidance when we don’t have the answer. And we can share. The truth is, today I just wanted to share. I just wanted to say thank you for reading and being a part of making my life better. Thank you…
Day 250
This Sharing Thing
So, It’s been a while. They cancelled my blog, so I haven’t written. But I miss writing.
But I don’t have time now, because I just sat on the phone for an hour arguing with a guy who flaked on me this morning and was trying to talk about me for living my life on a schedule….
I’ve forgotten how to do the blog thing now. I’m supposed to just write what was on my mind, but it was purposeful. I don’t know what the subject matter is for now. I think this is the last part, though. The initiation. Actually, I know this is the last part. I am already on the other side of happy. Now I am learning how to actually live this way in my day to day as I interact with people and come out into the world.
I’m not home that much anymore. I spend nine hours a day at work and then two hours writing, so I’m pretty much out of the house doing something from 7:15am to 8pm. Then I come home. I’m tired, but not that tired. I’m not really dating anymore. I meet guys literally every single day. I talk to them. Maybe we go out once or twice. They try to hit on me. They say something I don’t like. They ask me to change my schedule for them. They flake. They get mad that I work so much. Some offer to help (with a catch). They want to spend the night or try to get all up close and personal…. It makes me miss Dream Lover…. He was horrible, but he wasn’t imposing. He never asked me for sex. He was respectful. And his vibe was amazing. So high. I felt like I was living in clouds.
I think I’m holding out for that. Not him, but that. Some guy that I feel lifted by just by being in his presence. Some guy that I just get along with. Maybe I have become inflexible, but I don’t think so. I finally am getting my life together. Y’all know it has taken me a long time. I have been struggling with survival stuff for a good year now, and just this month, just this month, I am finally going to be able to pay all of my rent and bills by myself. I have tried to rely on men. They let me down. They make promises and take them away. Only follow-through halfway. My mom and my family and my close friends have been my support system through this time, not some dude.
So I don’t feel apologetic for putting my work ahead of all these silly wanna be relationships. They will not pay the rent if I can’t pay it. Some of them couldn’t even pay the rent if they wanted to because they can barely take care of their own selves…
I would like a man, though. My script is almost done. I have a producer already. I’m actually going to be in pre-production very very soon. I’m going to have a new roommate very very soon. A friend. Learning how to get along with people again. It’s just been me and a handful of long-distance people for some time. I’m going to be up close and personal again. It’s good preparation.
I have a couple of exes to completely get out of my system. I didn’t realize that I still had some Dream Lover residue. I let go of Almost Famous and I feel good about that. I loved me some him, but he didn’t want to be with me. There was nothing else to do. I’m glad that I met him, though. He was actually trustworthy. He never did anything to hurt me. He was considerate and he was always, always there for me when I needed him, even though I was never his girlfriend. He said sorry when he thought he had did something wrong and he didn’t say sorry when he felt I was at fault. He put me in check without being mean, and he never once called me crazy or silly or stupid or anything negative. He was just cool with me exactly as I am. He’d be at a party in the middle of the night with his fancy famous people and answer my call and make sure I was all right. He never said “I love you” or “I care about you” or “I’m your friend” or anything like that. He showed it. This is what they mean by “more than words.”
I am a writer and so I know about words. Words are the verbal expressions of our thoughts, but that’s all they are. They are a starting point for some. The proof of who we truly are is in how we live. We don’t even have to say anything. People will look at us and know. People will see how we treat them and how we treat each other and know who we are.
Almost Famous was a King. Of course he’s human and has his own flaws, but he was a man of God. He was someone who you could place your heart with and know that it would be safe. He’s actually one of the only men I have ever known in my life that I felt I could place my heart with and be safe.
And so I’m glad to know that this kind of men exists in the world.
I don’t feel bad about not changing my schedule to accommodate my friend who flaked on me didn’t say sorry and now wants me to change my schedule and is talking about me for even having a schedule. He better go somewhere with all that. He says I’m prideful because I won’t change my schedule for him…
You know what? People will tell you all kinds of things about yourself, especially when you don’t do what they want you to do. They are just words. They have no power over you unless you let them. Not saying to ignore helpful advice on how to improve oneself, but just saying. Get to know yourself, so that when someone comes at you and tells you: “You’re stupid if you think you’re going to have a boyfriend without putting out” or “you need to change up your schedule to make time for me” or “stop working so hard” or anything that you know is just not good for you, you can recognize it for what it is: BIG FAT LIES. Lies told by people with a limited perspective. Lies intended to move you from the direction you had for yourself. Even if you haven’t figured out the truth yet, learn to recognize a lie.
The Truth is more than words… More than words.
Day 249
More Than Words
I don’t think my blog webpage works any more.
It’s OK. Change time, huh? This blog’s for me.
Vacation over. Back to work soon. Change. “What will this day be like? I wonder…” Will I ever write a classic as great as The Sound of Music?
I think I will. I think I can. I think great things are in store for me. Mr. Almost Famous said it, so it’s got to be true. But I thought it was true before he said it.
A lot has been going on. In the other place. The deep place… Last night I had what they call a nightmare. I heard something come in my room. It came to my bed. I was paralyzed. It shook the bed, taunting me, daring me to turn around. I couldn’t. I was frozen stiff. In my mind, I was praying, convincing myself that I was not afraid. Finally I yanked myself awake and turned around!
Nothing.
I cried.
I prayed.
I heard noises in the other room. I didn’t feel like leaning on my fam or friends so I didn’t call anyone. I know. Dangerous. I wanted to lean on God, though. I wanted to be safe on my own. So I went back to sleep.
And I woke up today. It’s 3:30 pm. I have been in the house all day.
Call me crazy, but I know that when I walk outside… I just made a phone call to someone who hardly ever answers… He answered. He said he didn’t want to let it go to voicemail… How does he always know? How is he always there when I need him, God?
I am sitting at home feeling blessed beyond my fondest dreams. How can things be confusing and yet I don’t feel confused? I feel powerful, and I must come to terms with this word once and for all. Power…
It is a root word. It is a word governing so much evil. Power. People trying to have control over each other. Us. We… Power.
So, yesterday, I went out in the world to two events. People approached me all day long. Someone asked me to be a lead dancer in his dance troupe, a troupe that dances for God. People complemented me, saying they felt blessed by my presence. I’m not exaggerating. I felt like a celebrity. I felt powerful, and it scared me.
Because that word, power, has never been associated with anything good. That word had been reserved for God alone and the evil people who were against God.
But power is necessary, especially when you are making changes. You will have to be strong enough not to revert back to your old ways when things become difficult. You will have to be powerful to contend with demons and habits from the past. The power does not originate with us, but it flows through us…
You are going to laugh at me, but I feel so powerful that I don’t want to go outside. Something wonderful is happening to me. I am becoming a woman in her fullness… Everything I prayed for… It’s a lot. Just walking through that festival and being admired was a whole lot for me yesterday.
Allah, I feel like all of my prayers will be answered. They are already answered. I am afraid. This is what you prayed for, You tell me. This is who you are. But I only thought it was a prayer, a dream… I never imagined it would actually come true…
Opportunities are knocking on my door. I know where they come from. You. I cry out of sheer gratitude these days. I cry out of pure release… I am not even worried about the future. I feel powerful, God, like everything is OK. Is that OK? You say yes, because I know where the source of Power is. You say I am strong enough and kind enough to know Power now. You say that I know You now and so the power will not lead me astray…
Am I arrogant? Slightly, but just enough to balance out my sweetness. I accept spiritual power. I accept the fruition and fulfillment of my deepest dreams come true. I allow them to become my life now. Now. Now. Now. Now. Now. My life is a dream come true.
We have traversed so many landscapes together. We have dreamed for quite some time. Always something in the distance. We now come face to face with our dream come true. Real Love, Absolute, beckons. I hear it calling my name. Purposeful work, Divine work, whispers in the night. Close enough to touch. A majestic peace of mind washes over me in the midst of all storms and I’m all right…
I am at the beginning of living an intentional life, aren’t I? I am not that old girl anymore. I’m just not her anymore. Stand up and take Your place, You say. And I will. You are always with me. And I do. You are always with me…
Ameen
Day 248
In The Beginning
Feeling loved… My big sister called just to check on me… My big brother called to invite me to hang out…
Sometimes we need to be reminded to care for each other. It’s OK. All we really have is each other…
My Godson just interrupted me. He wants to talk about his schooling. He’s excited about school…
It’s two days later now. I started writing that top portion and then had things to do, but I’ll leave it there, because feeling Loved wasn’t on my mind this morning and I’d like it to be.
Good morning World. It’s 9:05 on a Saturday morning. So much happens in the course of a day. So many little decisions that we make. So many thoughts pass through our heads and so many words pass through our mouths. It’s a lot.
Yesterday I got assigned a parking spot in my complex. I wonder how much of it was due to my actions and thoughts and how much was due to pure Grace. I don’t know. That’s the problem. When you attribute everything to God and Grace, we tend to not take any action and not do things intentionally, thinking God will save and forgive us, and when we forget about spirituality, we lose sight of the fact that there is a multidimensional Universe being held up through laws and processes that we are only just now beginning to understand, billions of years after life began…
I got a parking spot yesterday. I give the credit to God because I didn’t know what to do. I felt so bad about everything that was going on in my complex. I had been passed over for two parking spots for no good reason. Management was talking to me like I was a dog and basically saying that they can do what they want. The lawyer that I went to see said that I didn’t have enough evidence. I would come home every day and see someone else parked in the spot I was supposed to be in. I would hear the neighbors standing underneath my window and gossiping about my situation.
I had mean, mean, vengeful thoughts. I felt sad. My family wanted me to go to war, gather evidence, pay lawyers, write threatening letters… but I didn’t feel like fighting. I wanted peace, but these were not peaceful people. These were people who just wanted to win. They didn’t even know why they were fighting. They just wanted to win. And I wanted to win, too. I mean, I didn’t even want a war to start with, but I just felt like I had been treated so badly. I couldn’t just sit by and do nothing.
So I laid in my bed. I felt sorry for myself. I cried. The whole world stopped making sense to me. All these wars and all these things we do to each other… We kill each other just because. Just because we don’t like the fact that someone has a thing that we don’t have. Just because someone doesn’t want to live a lifestyle that we think is right. Just because someone has an idea we don’t agree with. We take it upon ourselves to “show them”.
I couldn’t deny that there are people who are living at this level of consciousness. They will straight up kill you for no good reason. They exist. Evil exists and we walks amongst it every day. It exists within us, too. I couldn’t deny that. Oppression exists. Discrimination, manipulation, bigotry, power struggles. All of it exists. People chalk it all up to the devil, this evil entity that embodies everything negative. He is at a war with the good, and when he sees progress or goodness, he whispers into the hearts and the ears of people and causes them to go amiss. I think it’s a bit more complicated than that, but for the sake of simplicity, I will say that I became aware that the devil (and everything he represents) exists.
And the question came, “How do I fight the devil?” What do I do when someone does me wrong? It happens everyday. If we interact with people enough, we will be confronted with some form of negativity, some disagreement, someone trying to make us do something we don’t want to do, some jealous person giving us evil looks because we’re happy, some happy person stepping away from us because we’re sad, and sometimes, we may be the target of someone’s direct intention to harm us and sometimes that bullet could be aimed at us for no good reason other than the fact that we dared to be happy when they weren’t.
The devil exists.
The speaker at my spiritual center used to ask, “Are you willing to live a life so full of excellence that people will hate you”. He used to invite us to say, “I am willing to be hated”. Because it may come to that. It probably will.
The other day in my apartment complex, I felt the hatred. I felt the bullets intentionally pointed in my direction. I felt that I had been wronged and I felt powerless to do anything about it. I didn’t want to become like them and start shooting bullets back. I was done with vengeance. I didn’t want to sue the pants off them and make them pay and I didn’t want to run away either. I wanted them to do the right thing. I wanted to make them do the right thing. I wanted my parking spot and I wanted some rules put into to place so that they wouldn’t be able to discriminate against anyone else again… I wanted an apology.
Something occurred to me. It occurred to me that these people weren’t interested in doing what I thought was the “right” thing. I was trying to change the devil. I was trying to fight the devil and I could have left, but someone I knew that if I ran from the devil he would always chase me. I knew there must have been some other way. There must be a way to live in peace, I prayed. And I prayed and I prayed and I prayed. I recognized the opportunity. Right in front of me was an opportunity to grow up and practice what I preach. Right in front of me was an opportunity to trust God…
And I did. After praying for some time, I thought of something else. I could write the president of the company and let him know what was going on. It’s a big corporation and there was a chance that the president wouldn’t be all right with the ghetto antics going on in my complex. So I wrote him and told him everything…
A day later, my manager called me and asked to meet in person. She looked me in the eye for the first time. She smiled for the first time. She lied about why she hadn’t given me parking thus far and assigned me a spot. She said she would make a “concession” for all my troubles and I wouldn’t have to pay for the spot (they are not supposed to charge people for spots, but originally when I asked for a spot they said they would charge me). I looked at her. She hadn’t changed. She would do the same thing again if she could get away with it. I had been trying to reason with the devil. I had been trying to change the devil, but that wasn’t my job. We don’t change the world by trying to change each other. We change the world by changing ourselves, deferring to a higher Power and taking a course of right action in spite of the devil…
I accepted the parking spot. I’ll ask for a written contract on Tuesday…
Thank you, God.
Day 247
When You Can’t Change The Devil
Hi there…
I’m in a zone. I have to leave soon to start my day, but can I tell you what happened last night?
It was a challenging day. I decided to take public transportation to run several errands so that I wouldn’t have parking issues at the places I was going. I hadn’t been on the bus for a day-long trip in a long time…. The people… poor, disenfranchised, disempowered… This one guy walked past me on the bus and stunk up the whole bus with his body odor.
You see the streets and neighborhoods more clearly when you are walking on them. Gum everywhere, dirt, bad smells. I live in a part of town that is welfare central. The housing department, the county general relief department, medical help, shelters for the old and the mentally disabled, are all within walking distance from my apartment, along with different consulate offices for different countries.
At night sometimes, homeless people camp out in corners of the sidewalks or at the big park (which is notoriously one of the most dangerous parks in LA).
Yesterday, I went to speak with a lawyer about the parking troubles I have been having at my apartment complex. To make a long story short, the lawyer said that the only way she would take my case if I did certain steps to gather more evidence. These steps will take at least two more months to complete and are not guaranteed. I was disappointed when I left. After bus trekking all day, I walked about a mile to my car so that I could give someone a ride from the airport.
When I was finished at around 11:00pm, I parked my car on the street about a mile and a half away from my neighborhood, in the safe neighborhood by the clean park.
As I walked home past the homeless people and the bubble-gum laden streets and the stinky smells everywhere, (even at 11:00 at night!!!) I became discouraged about my life. I started to feel sorry for myself. I started to feel sorry for all the people on the buses, the people who didn’t have clean beds to lay on and the mentally disabled people who couldn’t find a clear space in their heads. I felt sorry for the children with dirty clothes and matted hair and I felt sorry for all of us for having such a low standard of living and feeling so disempowered that we were willing to live in such a slum and not do anything about it.
I felt sorry for me and my neighbors because we couldn’t just get along, because life could be so much better if people didn’t stick evil notes on each other’s cars and curse each other out and gossip about each other.
I felt sorry for my friend who has a substance abuse problem and I felt sorry for myself because he was my only friend that lives nearby and he is in no position to be a friend.
I felt sorry for the whole world…
I was walking down the street and about to burst out crying because of the self-pity that was rising in me. And then I thought about my mamma. I thought about her telling me, “Don’t cry. Be strong, Laydie. You are strong”.
I know I am strong, but I’ve hated being strong for so long, because I always equated strength with suffering. The strong people never seemed to get any rest and no one ever seemed to have any compassion for strong people. The strong people always seemed to be alone saving the world and they never seemed to have time to smile or play or enjoy anything. I had been rejecting being strong for a long time, but try as I may, I haven’t been able to get away from it.
As I was walking down the street, I laughed at this whole concept of strength. It comes in handy sometimes. And the funny thing is, I always want to be around these strong guys, but strong guys like strong girls after all is said and done. They, too, don’t always want to be the heroes…
So, I decided to be strong. As the tears were about to fall, I decided to look for things not to cry about. It dawned on me that I don’t have to cry. I mean, I could, but I didn’t have to. I could just, like, not cry.
I started thinking about some of the lovely friends that I do have, the heroes with bigger hearts than me, and I started thinking about all of the ways they have been there for me. I thought about my lovely mamma and siblings how throughout my whole life I had always wanted to feel supported and how now I was… I started thinking about how there are people on my team, always rooting for me. Always. I felt blessed. I looked around at my neighborhood and I saw some of the intentions behind the old Spanish buildings. I thought about how some blessed soul had a beautiful idea when they designed those buildings. I thought about the fact that my mind wasn’t all muddled and confused and how I can have clear thoughts these days. I thought about the fact that in less than a week, I’m gonna have bonafide health insurance! I thought about going to a fancy chiropractor.
I thought about the fact that I’ve been working on my creative projects consistently for about two months now. And I smiled out loud when I realized that I have become strong again and yet I have maintained my gentle self.
I was glad to know that the two could co-exist. I saw the kind of woman I was becoming. Confident. Not arrogant, but confident. Free. I saw that I would never be abused again. I saw that, like Charlotte O’hara said (God-willing) I would never be poor again. I saw that I actually noticed other people these days. I listen these days and care about folks. I’m actually interested… I saw that I am becoming exactly the kind of woman that I’ve always wanted to be.
The journey has been long and tedious, but what’s one, two, ten years of struggle if you are laying a foundation that will bring you bliss for the rest of your life(s)?
Last night I found a reason not to cry. A found something to smile about. Me.
Thank you, God.
Day 246
A Reason Not To Cry. You.
Hi there.
It’s 7:10pm. I’m home alone. Dropping someone off at the airport later this evening…
Feeling a little low. A got a job. I think I told you. A full-time, with benefits thing. It starts next month. Not the best job in the world, but I think I’ll like it.
But I’m not thinking about that right now. I’m thinking about the parking lot in my apartment and how my management has threatened to take actions against me if I park there (even though they promised me a spot and didn’t give it to me).
I’m thinking about the fact that the one person I call family in this town got a great opportunity and will be leaving soon. And I’m thinking of the fact that I’m gonna have to get close to some new people or go back and surround myself with people I used to know, or be lonely, but I’m not clear on where to start…
I’m wondering if I will ever find a place to call home and if I will ever have a family of my own and if any of my efforts will ever lead to success, and I’m feeling a little low.
But since I vowed not to complain anymore, I’m not going to complain. I’d like to write myself out of this feeling, or at least write myself into something better than where I am…
God, we have been seeking for a long time, huh? Family is on my mind so strong. I see a man somewhere. A child. Something built. Something cooked. Some sweetness somewhere. I see big smiles. I see a home where I am welcome. I see the family I came from, too…
It is time to move, huh? Guide me, please. It is time to move from seeking to finding. This new job is an opportunity for stability. Guide me, please. Nothing pulls me to go back to my biological family. Everyone is grown now, starting their own families. Nothing compels me to stay in this town or go anywhere else for that matter. I am here, Lord, not quite lost, but not clear.
You say, get clear in my mind. You say the world is mine for creating. You say my life is mine to create, and I want to believe You so badly, but I don’t. I can say it and pretend to believe it, but You know what’s up. Guide me, Please. Help me to know the True Truth. I open myself. I open now.
I know that this part of my life is important. It’s all important, but somehow this part feels like the real part, like everything else was preparation. This part sometimes does feel like anything is possible.
You say ask and I shall receive, so I’m going to ask. This deep thing in my heart. A partner. I ask for a partner now. A partner, God. Someone to build things with. Someone to live things with. A partner. I can’t go home to mom anymore. I’m a grownup now. I can’t keep putting my time into temporary relationships just to pass the day. We do what we can to pass the day, but I’d like to do things on purpose now. I am not just trying to pass the day. I am trying to build here.
It all ends. It all falls apart eventually. We die and some say that this life is just a mirage, a big matrix full of puzzles and games. Some say that the real life is what comes next or what lies beneath.
But we are here now. In this matrix. In this so-called game. Sometimes nothing makes sense, you know? But what do you do in times like that? Go to sleep? Get drunk? Make yourself so busy that you can’t think? Go hide away on a mountain or on some vacation?
The world will still be here when you get back. The questions will still be here. The uncertainty looms overhead until it is addressed. And sometimes we cry because we don’t understand. Because we don’t know how to have the things we want. Because we feel pain.
And sometimes loneliness is a part of it.
But I think that all of that is just a part of it. It’s not the whole picture…
There is clarity in the world, just as there is confusion. There is camaraderie just as there is loneliness. There is success just as there is defeat. And there is certainty and joy. There is Love. I know it. I know there is Love.
They call these fears and doubts the devil. I call them fears and doubts. This time, they don’t get to win. This time, they don’t get to knock me down on the bed or have me creating some old drama. This time they don’t get to turn me into a fearful, anxious old woman. This time I choose to win. This time (and I oh, I’ve had issues with this one)… this time I choose to be strong and even powerful. This time I choose to finally be a finder, no longer a seeking wanderer.
I choose, God, to know fruition now. I choose it now. I choose to be safe now. You have already told me that I am safe. I choose to experience it now. You are the Master Planner. You are the Master Protector and I lean on You.
I have come too far to turn back now.
In this moment, I choose faith over fear. Faith, faith, faith, faith, faith. I choose Truth over falsehood. Truth, truth, truth, truth, truth. I choose to live with spiritual Power and Protection and Guidance and Certainty. I do the work I am called to do and I do it with gratitude and ease. And so it is… And so it shall be.
Ameen
Day 245
From Seeking To Finding
I had such a lovely dream. I was living in a world that wasn’t safe for women. Men would break into your house and try to harm you and if you went outside, you were dead. There were no protectors. For whatever reason, I had to go outside and I was afraid. Men were chasing me and trying to get me, and this man swooped down out of nowhere and rescued me. He took me high up to some building and taught me how to do tricks and fight and run the right way. He held me tight in his arms. He was my hero. I have been waiting for him all my life…
He didn’t ask for anything. He didn’t try to change me or tell me I would be all right if only I changed this, that, or the other about me. He just picked me up, made me feel safe, and showed me what to do to keep going. When he put me down, I knew that I would be all right. I knew that if anything ever happened and I got in a rut, he would come down again and save me…
Good morning world. It’s 6:00am. A wonderful morning. A lot happens in a week. I started a new temp job and got offered a permanent job. I was very busy this week, doing something after work every day and not coming home until 10:00pm or after, being on “go” from 7 am till about 10:30 every day. I didn’t pray or meditate much. I slipped on my creative writing for two days, and I had just upgraded to more time…
I’m trying to see if I have anything to write about. Sometimes this blog is just for me, so I can sort things out and get back connected. So I can feel like I’m a part of a world bigger than me. I watched Cloud Atlas the other day.
My darling little sister just texted me from abroad. I had told her some things and I thought she was mad at me, but she wasn’t…
God, life is amazing isn’t it? I know who the hero in my dream was. I mean, in real life. I have heroes in real life. Protectors. Even though my father passed away a long time ago, there are still people here who would swoop down when I don’t know what to or where to go… they show up out of nowhere and give me a good word or a clean hug or they simply look at me and see who I am and don’t try to change anything about me. And they tell me I am ok as I am and everything is going to be all right. And I believe them. Because they have been there and they know…
They are the heroes. They are everywhere. Even my old mamma. Getting up like a lion when she thinks things aren’t right with me. My true friends. My sisters. Even my brothers sometimes. I am so grateful. I am so loved. Random strangers with bright eyes who give an encouraging word right on time. Coworkers with compassion in their voices.
The thing about heroes is that they have so much more power than the mean people. Mean people only have power in numbers. They only survive by collectively believing in the lie. But heroes… It only takes one hero to shake up a nation and they can beat out the mean people every time. I am a hero, too, and I’m glad to know that I’m not alone.
Do you know what it is like? To feel like you are all alone? To feel like you have no one to relate to and no one to protect you? To feel like you are always doing all the saving and there is no one to lean on, no one to be there for you when you are weak, no one who won’t try and manipulate you or who won’t hurt you or who won’t take from you?
And then to wake up one day and realize that you are not alone after all. To realize that there are grown-ups, and even children with their little hands, who Love you. To be aware of the times in your life when you have laid down, thinking you couldn’t go on, not knowing what to do, and some little thing has happened. A random phone call or text telling you sweet things. Some money found on the subway when you are hungry. A temp job that starts tomorrow. A stranger you meet at an event that becomes a wonderful friend. Or a dream reminding you of blessings you had forgotten.
This is an ode to the heroes. They keep the world afloat. The praying people who still know what they know. The logical thinkers who recognize that uplifting each other is in the best interest of everyone. The faithful who press on to actualize the little spark they feel in them against all seeming odds. The Lovers who love with the might of their souls. The babies who still know how to be true to themselves. The wise ones who give on purpose and fight for the good with everything they know.
I see you. I Love you. I am grateful for you… I am You. And we are not alone. Ameen.
Day 244
For The Heroes
hownottocryeveryday 