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Day 256 – The Deep, Sweet Mind

November 4, 2013

Ok. this won’t be long. It’s night time and I’m kind of spent but just want to write a bit before I lay down. I just want to share.

I just deleted a long entry. About me being exposed (someone I know revealed my identity and blog page to other people I know). About me breaking up with my last man standing (a younger guy who started out as a good friend but turned into a “fake” boyfriend who saw me as a tool).

That’s the update. All in a day’s work. I am officially single single and completely vulnerable now. Yippee.  -_-

I am too tired for feelings to matter. God, I’m a little tired here. I’m not falling apart at the seams and my health is ok today, but I’m not looking forward to any more of this. Can this be my last break up, please? Can I not have any more of this painful relationship stuff in my life? Betrayal. Abandonment. Infidelity. Power Struggles. Manipulation. Lies. Not having someone that I can actually count on to put me first. Sadness. Not being able to trust anyone. Feeling like at any given moment the person I love is going to flake. Constantly falling for men who show me in every way possible that are either not willing, ready and/or wanting to love me. This whole always being a victim thing. Can we end all this? Now? Today? I’ve had enough.

You can blame me. That’s fine. I take full responsibility for each and every thing. My lack of self worth. Lack of self love. My part in the manipulation and power struggles. Everything. I own up to all of it. I’m not worried about the men and what they did and didn’t do. I just want to be better and have this part of my life be done with.

You say that the last bitter seed is gone. Seriously? Is it finally over? A lifetime of this shit? You say yes. Yes. Can it be? No one’s gonna break my heart anymore? I’m not gonna break anyone’s heart? Oh, is it finally over? Can I finally have some peace?

If that is what I choose, You say. That is what I choose, Allah. More than anything…

I fell asleep. It’s morning time now. 6:17. I’ll get ready for work at seven. I have something to say. The mind never leaves.

Last night I was hurting. I was tired. Exhausted. Exhausted from all this stuff in my life. All this pain. All these ugly relationships. I had let go of the last man standing, and I didn’t realize that all of this releasing will wear you out, too. I am ready to be a stellar teacher, God. I understand this stuff now. This sad stuff. This happy stuff. This process.

This is what I’ve learned. The mind never leaves. Nope. No matter what you do. You can be as successful as you want to be. Get married. Have some kids. Be rich. Buy an island. You can build wells for twenty African villages and win the Olympics. Start a revolutionary business. Pray more than five times a day until your knees hurt. Dance the best dance ever in front of thousands of people.

But in the still of the night, when you are all alone, your mind will find you. Your regrets. Your inconsistencies. Your constant crimes against yourself. Someone will give you a hug and remind you of a love you never let go of and you might find yourself in the middle of a crowd feeling like fainting. You will see someone like you do the thing you wanted to do with your life and become depressed. Your body will break down out of the blue for seemingly no reason at all.

It is your mind. It is your deep deep, thoughts. The fakeness. The inconsistencies. The unwillingness to look at your pain and heal it. You can lie to yourself as long as you want to, cover up your thoughts with drugs and alcohol and meaningless activity, run away to every country on the map, sleep a thousand hours. Your regrets will come in your nightmares. They will slap you in the face in the eyes of a child. Your insatiable unhappiness will follow you until you look at it.

There is no “way” to look at your pain, our minds, the things that bother us. There is only intention. Choose to heal and God will lead you to the way that suits you. You don’t have to call it God. You can call it the law of attraction. You can take credit for it all. Nonetheless, Grace will find you if you court It.

If you decide that enough is enough (and hopefully you can decide this while your body still has the strength to cope with the inevitable release that is to come); when you decide that enough is enough, not out of vengeance or anger, it can start there, but that’s just a starting point… When, out of Love for yourself, out of Love for your life, out of reverence for the possibility that is being given to you here and now, you decide to CLEAN YOUR MIND, to address the ugly things, to say sorry, to actually be honest about your religion and practice it, to make amends and pay the debts that will forever hover over your head, to tell the truth, to tell the truth, to tell the truth, you will find yourself forever changed.

You will find your life forever changed. Dreams will no longer torment you. You will be able to be happy for others because you will be happy with yourself. And life will take on a new hue. It will be a constant soft sunrise. And you will know that even in your breakdowns, things are looking up. You won’t try to force yourself to feel a certain way or force others to do a certain thing. You will know that you are in the midst of something good and you will let the chips fall as they may, constantly holding on to the truth… It’s a never ending process, but the more you focus on getting better, the better you get.

I’m graduating today. I might as well claim it. It’s just a regular day. No monumental events, but I woke up in the morning and I felt it God. I am moving on to the other side of happy. The major releasing is complete. The deep deep stuff is over. Can you believe I’ve had major releasing with all of my men? All of them. Brothers and Daddy and everything. My relationships with men have been the bane of my existence. I’m OK with them now. They can be men. They even have my permission to show up in my life as good men, because I never used to believe that that kind of creature existed.

I give you permission to work with me now, God. It’s time to build a new kind of life, in the image that You created. I’m a deep woman, so I’ll do the deep stuff. I’ll be who I am. Finally. There’s no else I could be…

Thank You God.

Day 256

The Deep, Sweet Mind

From → The Initiation

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