Closure. Three people contacted me in the past couple of days, none of whom I have communicated with in the past six months or more…
A good friend who had gotten severely depressed and gone into seclusion reached out to me today. Seven months since last contact.
A guy a used to date that ended in conflict. One year since last contact.
And I don’t even know what to call this last person. An old friend? Someone who I had a very deep encounter with. Ended not quite right. Four years since last contact.
I will be seeing all of them this weekend.
My One? I saw his two days ago. We are fighting over nothing. Really we are fighting because neither of us are the people we both wanted each of us to be and we were both so hoping that we would be each other’s “one”. He says he’s not fighting me, and he’s right. He’s not fighting. He’s avoiding. He’s not putting any energy towards me at all, or any other woman for that matter. Working so much that he has no time for anything else besides rest. Disengaging from any encounter that may make him feel vulnerable. I’ve seen it all before. He’ll grow out of it. He wants to grow, so he’ll grow out of it.
One day he will miss being connected to someone so much, because he lives for deep connections even though he’s in denial right now, and he will reach out to me, the last woman he connected with on a deep level. I will welcome him with open arms, but I think it will be too late. I would have already moved on. Perhaps when that one day comes, we will be able to be friends, like my almost friend who I haven’t seen in four years.
Should I write him a goodbye letter? No, You say. Let him be. You have done your part. Hmm… Relationships are so strange. They are my biggest challenge. Learning how to relate to others. I get so upset when things don’t turn out the way I thought they should, and that’s where I need to grow…
You meet someone and you think they should be your whatever. You’re best friend. Or your lover. Your husband. You think they are the perfect person to work on the perfect project with you. I mean, look at the way you get along together! Look at how well your ideas and ambitions match! Look at the balance! Look at the electric chemistry between you!
But then they don’t want what you want. I mean, yeah, you both crack up at each other’s jokes and you’re so natural around each other, but they don’t want to be your best friend. They’d rather hang out with those other girls and talk about fake stuff all day.
Or yeah, they have the perfect artistic style for your children’s book and they need money and they are looking for a way to express their creativity, but they don’t want to draw your pictures. Doesn’t matter how much you pay them. They would rather get a part-time job they hate that dominates all of their time.
Or (this is the best) yes, they are lonely, they are looking for a wife, they think of you every single day and print out your pictures from online and put them on their walls, they think the world of you, they talk about you to all of their friends, but if you dare come around, if you dare act like you like them, or God forbid Love them, they disappear. Start a fight. Tell you they are seeing someone. Hook up with some girl that they aren’t smitten by. And they continue on. Fake happy. Lonely still… They reach out in their loneliest moments, when the girl they don’t love is sleeping or something, and confess their deep feelings, and then they disappear again…
These are my past relationship patterns. I could blame all the people I’ve interacted with for all of their actions, or I could take responsibility for my life and see that the only common denominator in all of these experiences was me. And everyone doesn’t experience these things. I do. I have. I am the one who has been unavailable for the fulfillment of my desires…
I am growing at an exponential pace right now. Issues that I have had all my life are coming to completion. I thank you, God, for everything. I thank you, Tommie, for encouraging me to write this blog. It has been instrumental in me changing my life.
So, now, let’s look at the last frontier. Relationships. The biggest part of the initiation. I have done a lot of work already. I have dug and dug and dug and issues have come to the surface. Past relations have showed up allowing for closure. Asking for closure. I am not afraid of much anymore.
I am seeing my past folly. I have had little faith. I had been reaching towards people. I mean, of course I’m reaching towards people, but I had made decisions for other people when they had never made those decisions on their own. For example. My children’s book. I had already decided that a certain person was going to draw the pics before he agreed to draw them, and then I had been reaching towards him and only him, trying to force things. It wasn’t mutual. He kind of was sort of interested in drawing the pics, but not really.
Instead of spending all that time reaching towards him, I could have just prayed that God send me an illustrator that I worked well with, someone who really wanted to draw these pictures and waited. I could have just waited and seen what God would do, instead of trying to force a person to be what I think they should be when I think they should be it. God has a way of bringing us so much more than we can bring through our own thinking…
My One? I will let him be. I Loved him and it’s OK. Yeah, I Loved him that quick and I don’t care what anyone has to say about it. My heart opened up to this guy, but I think I got it right this time. I recognized. I saw his actions. He was not reaching towards me. He was not showing me Love or consideration. He had not prepared a space and was not even trying to make a space once he met me. I gave the Love I was inspired to give and I managed to honor myself and not force things as well. I am growing after all…
My old almost friend just called. We are hanging out tomorrow. I asked him what we are going to do and he said to be prepared for anything. He said, “We can… talk, crack jokes, people watch, and climb stuff.” It’s exactly what I wished “My One” would have said to me but he never did… I don’t remember Almost Friend having such a soothing, happy voice. Wow. Either my ears have changed or his voice has changed. Probably both…
Wow. God, You’ve got some tricks up Your sleeve. I’m amazed at how stuff just shows up from nowhere right when you need it. You are continuously keeping me on track. I try to settle with some dude I know I don’t like and you present “My One” to me, reminding me of what I’m looking for. I encounter resistance to expressing and receiving Love and you present a happy man that will help keep me alive! Even if it’s just for a day, it’s enough already.
Today is enough already, but I am open to more. I am willing to have positive, uplifting, reciprocal relationships. I am willing to learn every single lesson that I am to learn from past relationships. I am willing to stay and let Your will be done. And I am willing to go when it is time to go. I am willing to have closure, finally, and respect others for who they are. Harmony is the order of the day. Harmonious relationships. I release the need to control people. I release the need to demand that people treat me a certain way. I take responsibility for the way I treat myself and the way I treat others, and I place my heart in the hands of those who honor, respect and Love me. I honor, respect and Love myself and I am now a giver. All who cross my path are blessed because of it and I am blessed by their presence. And open and Let You do the work that You are doing to and through me. I open wider, wider, and wider still and I am safe in Your Arms…
Wisdom, Faith, Evolution and Growth are my friends. I walk with Guidance.
And so it is. Ameen.
Day 273
Relationships
Hello World,
How are you? Good evening. My brother is here talking to me right now. It’s good. Ignoring him for a bit so I can write blog. Talking to him was actually nice. I was just about to complain about him. Lol.
Life changes every day.
My One flaked on me for a date last night. I was sad. Really sad. Astonishingly sad. It’s the first time I’ve been really vulnerable to a guy in a long time. I mean, I was vulnerable with Mr. Almost Famous, but he never gave me any indication that he was ever going to be with me, so I never expected him to do the kind of stuff that guys do when they’re interested in you. But I really thought I might have something with My One. I thought he was The One…
He’s got so much going on in his life right now. There is no space for me. It’s not even personal. He hasn’t made the space for a woman. He’s busy with his problems. He can’t even see me. He won’t be the one to bring flowers or plan fancy dates. He’s not the one to cook dinner or go hiking. He doesn’t even understand this whole love thing. And I can’t make him. That’s the saddest part. I could tell him all of this, tell him what he needs to do if he really wants a relationship, cry my eyes out, do everything for him that he ever imagined, be the nicest person in the world to him, but it won’t change a single thing. If I’ve learned anything at all, it’s that you can’t change people. People will change and grow when they are ready, willing and wanting.
The best I can do is honor myself. Never really thought deeply about what that means. Side note: Today one of my sisters told me to stop putting all my business out in the streets. Not too long ago another sister told me to be more public about my blog. It’s relevant. People will always have an opinion about how you should live your life. I listen. I don’t assume that I know everything. I listen when people want to tell me something, because they may be telling me something I need to hear.
But at the end of the day, it’s just me living my life, not them. They don’t sleep in my head. And so it comes down to deciding what’s important for me. This guy, he’s perfect for me, or at least I think he is. But he doesn’t treat me the way I would like my man to treat me. He could change. We could talk and he could do things differently. But he would have to be willing and wanting to be my man for that to happen. And let’s just face it: He’s not. Maybe someday he will be, but not today. The reason doesn’t even matter. Maybe he doesn’t like my feet…
But when we talk about honoring oneself, we always think about the protective part. “Girl, you deserve better. You better dump him if he’s not acting right.” We are so mean to each other. We treat love and relationships as if they are just a game. As if people’s hearts aren’t at stake with every interaction. What about love? What about the loving part of me that’s begging to breathe? What about the part of me that wants to love him? That’s a part of myself, too. You understand?
I am trying to figure out how to be safe and follow my heart at the same time. I am trying to figure out how to honor my whole self. Because I Loved him already. I chose him already. And I really don’t want to do the whole rebound thing, go out and find a new boo. But I can’t cry every day anymore. I’ve made that decision as well.
I need to have peace of mind. Nothing else will do. Let’s step out of the situation and see what it is in truth… I would have to be the grown up with him. He is a child, more afraid than me, more resistant to good than me. A child King. We are the same, but we are not at the same place in our lives. I am ready, whereas he only wants to be ready. He hasn’t tested it out and seen what that means yet.
Look deeper, You say. See the action that must take place. How can we Honor ourselves here? Tell the Truth. Tell him everything. Without want or need. Without him having to be your man or give you anything. Give him the gift of Love that you have been dying to express. Honor yourself…
This is some Queen stuff. Learning how to Love when you have absolutely nothing to gain. Communicating your true feelings with no intent to manipulate or play games. Protecting your own Self in a world full of monsters and seeing monsters for what they really are. Staying open, expressing Love nonetheless. This is some grown-up stuff. Releasing the need to control everything and allowing life to flow with ease.
He plays games. Yes. He is a scared little boy trying to be a man. A King. Yes. He is your teacher and you are his. Yes. Trust. You…
he just texted me and asked to see me…
You can be safe and Loving. Lean on me. The object of attainment isn’t your “One”. It is the experience of Love. It is the ability to be intentional and compromising, to be brave even in the midst of your most vulnerable moment. Queen stuff. To learn to Hear My Voice in spite of all the other voices that the world will throw to you. Without proof that anything will ever work, to walk the path of Guidance, siratalmustaqueen, and see that I am real…
Ameen.
Day 272
With Honor Of Self
I’m feeling low, Lord. I go back to LA today…
I dropped my sister off at work this morning. My other sister leaves soon. Then my mom and nephew will drop me at the airport…
It’s getting harder and harder to go back to LA. My heart is breaking. There is so much Love here. It’s so lonely out there. Just work and work and work and guys who never want anything and girls who always want something… sigh…
Why don’t I just move here? It’s better than down South. Peaceful. My sister’s apartment is literally overlooking a golf course with views of the hills and lakes right outside of the window. Birds chirp outside of every window as the sun rises and the air is fresh and clean, not like my apartment where I only have that one window with that one tree in my one gated community before I step out into the polluted city…
It’s better here. But I don’t live here. Why not? Pride? Ego? Me wanting to finish what I started? At what cost?
I am looking to LA but I see nothing. “My One” has lost interest in me, I think. Or whatever. Thinking about him only makes me sad now. I messed up. Or he messed up. Or whatever. But he’s not willing to go there with me anymore, and I’m not willing to carry a relationship on my own or want someone who doesn’t show that he wants me… My brother? Living with him is not the most exciting thought. It’s anti-exciting. Depressing. Picking, poking, judging, holding back love. That’s all I can think of.
So, I’m going deep within this morning, God, because I’m going back to Cali. I don’t know why. There doesn’t seem to be anything worth coming home to in Cali. No Love. I mean, I have a few friends that I Love, and it’s good Love, but I don’t see them very often. We are all busy working, working, working.
But we don’t really share life together… There’s nothing worth coming home to out there…
So, I’m sitting here trying to reconcile this, because I’m getting on the plane and I will be back in Cali later today. And I don’t know how long I’ll be there, but Spirit says I’m there for now.
But I need a sign, some hope, something. Just something to keep me going… Oh Lawd!!!! OK…
Breathing… Allah? I am going back home today, and I realize that my life back home is severely lacking in Love and connectivity. In family. I am missing family. I am missing the comfort of being surrounded by unconditional Love. I am missing cooking big meals and eating them with people. Laughing. Talking about nothing and just enjoying each other’s space. Supporting each other…
I would like to have a life that I look forward to coming home to. I’ll stop being a cry baby, suck it up, whatever. I know I ventured off on my own for whatever crazy reason and I started something that I have to finish. I know I am responsible for making my life the way I want it. So here I go. If I don’t cast my will upon the world, then I will drown in depression.
We are going back home. We have seen the truth of the kind of life we really want. Something like Hawaii. Settled. Easy. Clean air. Family. Add meaningful work. Add husband and children. Sharing. A lot of hugging. My writings. Let’s dream again.
Maybe I will be here in Hawaii soon. I don’t know where my husband will come from. I’m kind of tired of looking for him, to be honest. It must be me, but I don’t know what to do to change myself at this point. I don’t think I’m that bad of a person and I think I’m worthy of being Loved with all of my flaws, but the guys I want to be with don’t seem to have any interest in imperfect me, so I don’t know.
Sometimes I am tired of reaching, Allah. I just want to have already. My good job. My life settled. I want to stop dreaming and finally be a part of the dream come true part. And I have been building up little by little, I know. But I had fallen so far. It seems like I have so far to go. I know. Almost there. Just around the corner.
Let’s do what we can do today. For today, in this moment of despair and hopelessness, which could easily become a whole month of self-pity, confusion and apathy, I’m going to make a choice. I am choosing, Allah, to be hopeful. I am choosing to be open. I am choosing to be intentional. And I intend to have a great day. Someone said that when you think you’re lacking something, you should give the thing you think you’re lacking to someone else. So, I feel like I’m lacking family and connection. I will give that to my brother. Lord knows he’s lacking it. I’ll just forgive him. All the way. Right now. And be nice to him, in spite of all the horribleness that I know he’s about to throw my way.
I don’t know why I’m going to do this. Because it’s all I can think to do at the moment. I don’t know if it works or if I will get a blanket to cover me, too, soon. I don’t know. I’ve never tried it. But I know that I must do something. I must participate in the creation of life as I’d like it to be.
Love. You are calling my name. My Blessed Heart. You are demanding to be of use again. Life. You are pushing me to be all that You intended for me…. Whew. Colorful. Full. Vibrant. Alive…. Alive. Alive.
My heart is being pushed to the limit. That’s a good thing. The limit has been so small. My life is being pushed to the limit. It’s a good thing. Life as it is doesn’t reflect me anymore. My walls need some color. I need more hugs and sharing. More finishing and success. It’s a good thing. I understand what it means when they say that everything that’s good for you doesn’t always feel good.
You have done me a good thing by giving me this short vacation. You have done me a good thing by introducing me to “My One”. You have let me see what life can be, what life should be for me. I believe that the highest possible result is automatically forthcoming. I will do what I can today. With Love, Allah. With Love in my heart. I am finally walking towards something instead of running away.
With Love in my heart, I plant new seeds. Ameen.
Day 271
With Love
Good morning World,
I am in Hawaii visiting family. I am so glad I came. So good to be in this vibration of unconditional Love…
My mom and sister are asleep. Kind of. Resting. We sleep in the same room. Spend most of the day in the company of some family member. How have I lived any other way? Wow.
Overwhelmed. Grateful. Grateful. Grateful. Everyone still has their issues. Their constant frustrations and gripes. Their “stuff” they are dealing with in their lives and relationships.
Everyone just woke up… My almost two year-old nephew came in and woke everyone up. He is so happy and animated!!! My blog… I can’t even get mad.
I am happy. I know, in a few days I will be back in LA in my room alone. But right now my sister is making fun of the size of my big toe and we are listening to a video of what the fox says…
I think I won’t be blogging anymore this morning… I left the room for a moment… Back to my thoughts. Ha! Out of the window there is a view of the mountains and a golf course… It’s beautiful here.
Life can be really beautiful. My family advised me about my situation with “My One”. I never talk to my mom about boys, but I did. I let her in on the happenings of my little world. She was happy to be let in. I was happy to share. My family and my only married sister advised me to just like him. If I like him, just like him and act like it. Be nice to him. Check on him. Be myself. Let God take care of the rest…
What a concept. I talk all this talk, but this is where the real faith stuff comes in. When there is a real risk of being hurt. What if? What if he doesn’t like me anymore? What if he thinks I have too many issues? What if he’s a liar? A player? A thief? A user? What if he’s mean? What if he has a million girlfriends somewhere and he didn’t really like me in the first place? What if he’s just trying to get my goodies? What if? What if? What if?
How do I protect myself against all this and still be open? What if he breaks my heart?
How do I be smart about things this time?
There is no answer. Trust, You say. Trust in all you have learned. Trust in Me. Heed the signs…
I can’t get into this blog today. My family is doing too much. Let me just take a moment to Connect, though, before I get swept into all the things we will do today. All the energies from so many people.
Let me set an intention for the day. Let me set an intention for this man before…
OMG. My mom just came and plopped down next to me. I think this blog is a bust!
Family… I Love them. Let me just give in to this moment. Let me just enjoy the company of others. Let me be with them, now. Let’s try this part. Being in the world, but not being overcome by it.
Loving but not being hurt. Respecting my own boundaries, but still being vulnerable and open. Loving myself. Let’s experiment with all the things I’ve learned…
Day 270
Time To Live
Good morning.
Rushing. Want to sit still before starting the day.
I dumped him.
He told me off.
It’s not over.
I don’t know if a grown man has ever told me off and made me shut my mouth, but he did. Said I was impatient. And spoiled. I could disagree and show all the ways I am patient and not spoiled, but the truth is, my behavior with him shows impatience and an unwillingness to compromise.
It’s because I felt vulnerable. And scared. What’s a girl to do? I am ridiculously patient and altruistic with babies and kids and people who I don’t think can hurt me, but when vulnerable, I become a different kind of bird. Guarded. Controlling. Suspicious. I start holding back on love and keeping tabs. Unforgiving… Yuck.
So, this man makes me have to be a grown up. It’s why I like him. One, because he bursts my whole heart open and two, because I have to be a fully grown powerful woman to be in his presence. I have to learn how to be trusting and powerful and stand up for myself yet be kind. I’ll have to learn how to be all aspects of myself, I mean actually be them, if I’m going to hang out with him. I’ll have to be peaceful with him even when I don’t feel like it. And humble. Yuck. I’ll have to take him as he is and not try to change him. Hmm…
I’ll have to trust God and actually learn to walk in the direction that I’m guided. I asked for this, didn’t I? Growth and stuff. I’m not advocating being with mean men or men that don’t treat you the way you want to be treated. I dumped him because he wasn’t calling me every morning like I want my man to do and taking me out on fancy dates and meeting me for lunch, etc. It’s how I want to be treated. I have a right to that.
What I didn’t see, though, is that he was growing me. He’s not a mean man or even a selfish man. He’s just a man with his own set of issues that he’s growing through. But he’s a strong man. And a powerful man. And a Godly man. And such a Loving man. And a kind man. And he’s even forgiving. He’s working on that part of himself, but he’ll get there because he wants to. He’s the best kind of man. I already know all that. Why do we doubt the things that we already know? I already know who he is… His presence was growing me into the kind of woman that I want to be. But I got scared. What if I do all this stuff for him, Love him like I want to, and he turns out to be a fuddy duddy? I didn’t have to dump him, though. I could have talked to him about my fears and we could have come to some agreements. He’s reasonable and awesome. I know he could do that. I know that it’s possible for me to be vulnerable and kind at the same time. I know I can be powerful and humble. It is not impossible for me to have a healthy, loving relationship with a man I adore. My One doesn’t even have to be my one. He can be whatever. I’d just like to grow past this thing I do. Now. Today. Be with me, God.
My sun is gone and now I am a just a flower waiting for the sunlight to come out again. First response says “go plant yourself somewhere else where the sun is shining”, but that’s the wrong answer. Stay still. Pull up your weeds. It’s just some clouds. The sun shines every day right where you are.
Be patient…
Day 269
Patience
I wrote this blog last night and forgot to publish it, and right before I went to sleep I got a phone call. The producer that I pitched my script to. He said he Loves it. He said he was moved. He wants to work with me. I have written and I’m going to direct my first feature film, Insha’ Allah.
It’s a new day. It’s such a new day! I taught yoga to my coworkers during our break today. It’s such a new day.
I won’t write too much, because I want to share the blog I wrote yesterday, but I want to say thank you, whoever you are and why ever you have come and shared this part of my life with me. Thank you so much for being with me. May your path be Blessed…
This is what I wrote yesterday:
Hi there.
It’s one of those days. Where the blog is needed. An intervention is needed.
It’s good to be aware of when an intervention is needed. It
s good to have the strength to intervene on my own behalf. Good evening Lord.
I’m feeling a little discouraged. Impatient. The question “when” is all up in my head. Reliving heartbreaks again and again. When does the heart stop breaking over the same old stuff? Reliving everything from the past. How could he? How could he share such a sacred moment with me and then say he only did it because I reminded him of someone else? How could he? How could he abandon me, my best friend, without even telling me why? I was just a little girl. It still hurts. How could he? How could he tell me he was going to marry me and ask about his unborn babies in my womb and then marry someone else? How could he let me give up everything I had to move in with him and then treat me so bad when I had no where else to go? How could he tell me he would go to the ends of the Earth for me and then disappear into thin air?
How could he? How could he just not give a sh*t? How could he treat me like an enemy when we were friends? We were such good friends…
How could he?
So many wounds…
“One day the pain goes…”
So many thing we want to do that never get done.
You sold me a dream and I bought it and I believed that it would come true. I still do. But sometimes I wonder when “one day” will come. When will the pain go for good? How many tears are in me? When will We get there?
You say We are on our way…
I’m not sad today. I don’t really know what I feel. I’m on the outside of myself looking at myself. This woman, she feels too much, I say, as I watch the movie of my life. She is going to make it through, isn’t she? She has already made it through and doesn’t even know it. Let her know, God. Let her know.
I know, so many people don’t make it. I’ve cried for all them already. I don’t understand, but maybe in another life they will know peace. Maybe in another life their dreams will come true…
There’s so much sadness, God. So much pain… I am weeping for the world. For mothers who lose their children. For husbands who lose their wives. For people who’s dreams never come true even though they try. For dead daddys and best friends separated. For promises never kept. I am weeping for religion, meant to heal, but gone awry. I am weeping for big fat egos that keep us far away from Love. We have a long way to go…
Am I one of those, Allah? A Truth bringer? Will my life make a difference here? You say it already has. To who?…
I don’t have an agenda for tonight’s blog. I’m writing because this is one of the moments we forget and I want to remember. I want to remember how I felt on this evening when nothing makes sense so that in the future I can realize that when I feel this way, it’s just one day. One evening. A new day comes and we feel completely different.
Sometimes absolutely nothing makes sense and everything that used to move you doesn’t move you anymore. Sometimes you find yourself mourning a loss that you thought you had gotten over a long time ago. Sometimes you’re not sure if you will ever quite get to your final destination and you can’t define the longing in your heart. Sometimes we are confused.
It doesn’t mean life is over, you see. This is where we learn wisdom. We don’t have to run from the things we don’t understand. We don’t have to always have an answer. I think it’s OK to admit that we don’t understand. Cry. Whatever. Sit still for once. Surely as the confusion came, a moment of clarity will arise. Soon. Sooner than you think.
I’m sitting here and my heart feels open. Squeezed open. Like when you pop a pimple and the venom comes out. The pain is leaving, slowly but surely… Sometimes it takes a while to heal a broken heart.
I don’t know how all those guys could have done all those things to me. I don’t know how I could have hurt so many people in so many ways. But we did. And we are sorry. Even the ones who never say sorry. One day they will whisper your name in a prayer. One day they will hope that a good thing happens to you.
One day, the pain goes. “And all the years that the locusts have eaten will be given back to you…”
It may take a while. Heck, it may take lifetimes, but one day surely comes. One day surely comes…
Day 268
One Day Surely Comes
Good morning,
I’m not going to write too long this morning as I want to make it to my spiritual center. I’m already late, but at least I’ll get there before they start talking if I hurry up.
Wanted to see Will…
I know. My date. From a material perspective, worst date ever. From a spiritual perspective, best date ever. I wrote my blog saying that all kinds of things could have happened to make this man late, and they did. Right as he was leaving his house to get me, he got a call. A tragedy in his family. Hospitals. People’s lives on the line. There was nothing he could do at the moment but all of his family was reaching out to him to save them… He resisted the desire to stay home and punch the wall and cry and came on the date with me anyway.
But he was really disturbed. Me? Of course I was disappointed. I was looking forward to Rico Sauve in a limo, a fancy dinner somewhere, maybe some dancing, a romantic surprise (a girl can dream, can’t she?), but instead I got some pouty dude with family issues and a cafe with tomato soup. It was the same cafe I had had my writing meeting at a couple weeks ago. I wanted to leave. I was mad. I bought a new dress for this??? But then I thought of something.
He was sitting there, all distraught and stuff, trying to pay attention to me, but he couldn’t. I thought of all the times I was breaking down or going through something, or so busy in my mind that my hair was falling out, and I would date some dude, who claimed to really like me, but he wouldn’t help me. As I was breaking down, he would ask me if I wanted to go watch a movie. Or he would try to hit on me. None of his actions towards me would help solve the problem I was having, but yet these dudes would claim to care about me.
I looked at this man, trying so hard, and I decided that I wasn’t gonna be that person. That selfish person who can’t see beyond her wants. That one who is always trying to get something. I made a conscious decision that I was actually going to care for him in that moment. I’m embarrassed to say this, but it was the first time in my grown woman life that I had done that. I mean, I’ve done it before just naturally, but this was the first time that I had had that thought and cared about some dude, in spite of my wants on purpose.
He was on the phone talking to some family member about whatever, and I stopped rolling my eyes. I massaged the back of his neck and shoulders. It was all I could do to help. He stopped talking on the phone. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “Thank you”, he said. “For what?” I asked. He said he couldn’t explain it, but he had felt like a child shivering in the cold, and I had just put a blanket over him. It was a beautiful moment…
And I realized that I have been out of use. I have this deep, deep well of Love in me, it’s deeper than most, and it’s been out of use, just sitting here in my room in my own world. There are people who would want me to the massage them and love them, but then they fall in love and want all this other stuff that I don’t want to give, so I hold back from them because I end up feeling guilty and blah blah blah. But this guy, I was able to give just what I wanted to give and he was able to receive it without asking for anything else. It was a Lovely moment of synchronicity.
I stayed home all day yesterday trying to sort things out in my head. A veil is lifting, Allah. I am the observer and the participant. A veil is lifting. My life is not about being a fancy writer and starting whatever projects around the world and making a bunch of money. All of that will come. It is already coming. You have already ordained it. It’s not about fancy dinners and fun. That’s a part of it, too.
What moves me, though, is what lies beneath. The deep, deep, connections that we have with each other. The yummy sharing of a smile. It is so sweet. Leaning up against a friend while watching a TV show. Giving Love on purpose and being brave enough to receive. Letting go of everything that ever stopped you from living this way. It’s so beautiful, God. I am so thankful that I get to experience living this way, that I get to participate in my life on purpose.
Thank You so much. Thank You. Thank You. Thank You.
Ameen.
Day 267
Connections
Hi. I’m sitting at home waiting on My One. Mad. Don’t even want to call him My One right now. He’s late. Super late.
I’m getting all sad now. Anxiety. Is this date gonna be a bust? Why is this date such a huge deal for me? I went all out in preparation. Even bought a new dress and put on make-up. Feeling like he didn’t even plan for me. About to cry…
I mean, I told him he could come whenever after 7:30, but he said he’d be here around 7:30 and it’s an hour later. Yes, it rained in LA today. Yes, there’s a lot of traffic…
I’m about to cry. Disappointed. Oh Lord, please calm down the angry, fearful woman in me that wants to send him a text right now and tell him not to come and smash the phone against the wall. Please tell her that everything is going to be all right. Please tell her that everything is all right. If I cry, I’m going to have to redo my make-up and my eyes are going to be red… Too late.
How and why did I beef this man up in my head to already be my husband? Lord why are You making me face the fear of disappointment on such a grand scale? Putting a seemingly perfect man right in front of my face and then making him a flawed tardy bird? Haven’t I been disappointed enough? Jeez, what if he’s not perfect?
That’s the question of the day, isn’t it? What if he’s not perfect? He’s not perfect, is he?
-No.
I gave him complete leeway to plan a first date for us and impress me. He’s never done this before, has he?
-Not in a long time. This is a big deal for him, too. He is like you. Nervous. Shooting himself in the foot. Using every ounce of his willpower and prayer to stop from self sabotaging. It is a miracle that he did not get in a car accident. This is his growth moment. Just like you.
Wow. You mean he’s not a hero? A knight in shining armor coming to fix everything?
-No. You are each other’s heroes. He is not perfect. Just like you…
He’s just a man. Waiting for his other half. Just like you. Waiting for your other half. But he is a good man. Made from the best of stuff. And unlike many, he is willing to face his demons, willing to risk getting in a car accident, willing to step into the fear of shooting himself in the foot, for the possibility of a life come true. And he doesn’t even know what he’s doing. Just like you. You two are brave, brave souls finding each other.
So stop crying now. Queen. The night hasn’t even started. Wipe your tears and accept the truth here. Now. Give what you want to receive. The acceptance of your flaws and all. You want someone to stay and enjoy even when you show up late, don’t you? (And you usually do). See his heart. Look, now. See his heart. You see the light gets brighter when you look. Give him an encouraging word. He’s bummed out, too. Get over these immediate first response emotions and move deeper into emotional maturity.
See.. the tears stop. Your eyes will be white before he arrives… Lol… Now get up and go have the time of your life!
Ameen.
Day 266
What If We’re Not Perfect?
This is the best part of my life.
I am loving this initiation. It’s not the most exciting part. It’s not the first time I fell in love or the first time I traveled the world where everything was big and new. It’s not my first fancy job or coming to Hollywood and meeting famous people for the first time. There’s nothing brand new going on, but this is such a good time. Everything is new.
Why? Because I’m rebuilding. But this time I’m building from a solid foundation.
I work a nine to five for the County with a bunch of misfits. About twenty of us got hired at the same time and everyone has a story. About half of our stories are about loss and redemption. One lady’s grown-up son was murdered a year ago and she had a melt-down. Another girl was homeless and on welfare until she got that job. An older man had been a supervisor at the County years ago. He had left to start a business and his business went under. Then he came back. Another coworker was a doctor in his country, but couldn’t find a job when he came to America. Our County job is a breath of fresh air for all of us. A place to start rebuilding.
I feel so blessed to be working with these people. I’ve been telling some of my coworkers about my budding romance with My One. We’ll be going on our first date on Friday and I told my coworkers about it, and guess what? They’re going shopping with me during lunch tomorrow so I can get an outfit and some new shoes! I need new shoes. I gave all my shoes away when I went overseas earlier this year. I figured I could get some new shoes much quicker than the people I gave them to could get any.
And tomorrow I’m getting new shoes. Some good quality ones. And a new outfit. With good threading. I have supportive coworkers. It’s really nice to share my life with people. I didn’t know it could be this nice. Where have I been?
I think this is the best part of my life because I am aware of the things I’m experiencing. I know when I’m mad. I know when I’m happy. I know when I’m doing things to please others or when I’m doing it just for myself. It’s not just like some big puppeteer is pulling my strings all the time without me knowing. I know myself pretty well. Also, I’m actually present when I’m experiencing things. Like, at work, when I’m talking to one person, I’m not thinking about how nice it would be to talk to another person. I am where I am when I’m there and I’ve never been like that before.
I am really grateful to be experiencing this part of my life, God. I am grateful that I can be happy while a thing is happening, instead of waiting until it’s over to appreciate it. I’m grateful that I can share with so many people from so many places, and my sharing is authentic. I’m grateful to be comfortable and confident enough to be my authentic self, flaws and all. Oh, all of the cleansing tears that I have cried. I am so grateful for them, purging everything.
There is still more to be cleansed, but I’m grateful to know that it can be cleansed with my intention to cleanse it.
I’m grateful for my life. Thank you, Allah.
What I’ve learned is that tears will come. Confusion, fear, pain, all of those things are just part of a life. Even if you don’t personally experience them all the time, if you just look outside you will see all kinds of heartbreak every single day. But we live on. If we make it through the night and open our eyes, we live on. And we have a choice. As hard as it may be, we have a choice.
We can fight. We can fight for the Love in our hearts to shine through again. We can fight for clarity. We’re always fighting for all this other stuff. We can fight for peace of mind. We can fight for a clear conscience and we can fight to be free of our addictions. We can fight for the strength to get off the bed when the thought seems impossible.
We can fight for our lives.
Grace is everywhere. It really is. And we just have fight a little bit. Just a little bit. And slowly but surely, things change, inch by inch, day by day. If you work on a creative project for fifteen minutes a day, five days a week, eventually you will finish it. If you sweat for just five minutes a day, eventually you will lose five, ten, fifty plus pounds. And if you just get off the bed every day, eventually you will walk out of the door. Or you will walk to your computer and take an action that will change what happens the next day.
And God will help. God will speed things along…
You might find yourself having a moment like this. Remembering your life last year as if it was a past life. Another person. You will see someone who is doing the things that you used to do, and you will empathize with them, instead of judging them. “I used to sit in a corner and not talk to anyone and feel sad because I didn’t have any friends,” you will think. And then you will reach out to that shy person that sits in a corner because you will know them and you will know what they are going through. And you just might make a wonderful new friend because you know how to be a friend now. You know what that means…
This is how Grace works. There is a reaching. We are all reaching for something, even when we’re not reaching. We may be sitting at home trying not to do anything at all because we are afraid and we want safety. Even that is an exercise of the will. And wherever there’s a will, there’s a will. There’s another person, another situation, something out there that is reaching for you. It’s like when I sold my rusty old station wagon. It was me, reaching. Wanting to sell this thing. Seemed impossible. And somewhere out there, there was this young rapper dude reaching, too. Searching for a rusty old station wagon. We kept reaching until we found each other. He paid me more money than I had asked for and he spent less money than he had planned.
That is called Grace.
Keep reaching and don’t mess up your answered prayer by putting a limit on what you think it should look like. I never imagined some young Filipino rapper dude was gonna buy my car, but that’s what God sent me.
You know what I always think? You’re gonna keep living anyway. Life isn’t gonna stop because you hide out in a room and don’t go for what you want. You might as well keep reaching. The other part of the puzzle is somewhere in the world reaching out to you. Find it. Keep reaching until you find it…
Ameen.
Day 265
Keep Reaching. The Other Half Of Desire Is Fulfillment.
I’m procrastinating.
Completion anxiety. Well, not really. Kind of procrastinating. About to finish a project that I was supposed to do almost three months ago and my emotions running wild.
Just got into a big text argument with the guy who was supposed to draw pics for my children’s book. The one who flaked on me. For the third time. I’ve known him for a long time. Over fourteen years. He’s a fantastic artist and he used to be a really good friend.
So, he flaked on my book and then acted like nothing happened. Started sending me text messages asking about the weather and yoga and stuff. I didn’t respond to them. Tonight, as I was procrastinating, I decided that I would respond and I told him off, calling him selfish and calling him a bad friend. He retorted by telling me off and essentially just defending all of his actions and telling me he wasn’t going to be my punching bag or kiss my feet.
We kept going back and forth until I started crying, and then I had to stop. Lol. I’m not that good of a fighter anymore.
I took a step back and looked at the situation. It was not about the children’s book at all. It was about our relationship dynamic. We hated each other. I realized that I could have given him all the money and time in the world to draw those pics and he still wouldn’t have done it. And if some miracle happened and some angel worked through his hands and he just happened to draw those pics for me, I still would have thrown daggers at him. Because we hated each other. We had both hurt each other so much in the past and we had never let it go. We were both holding so much resentment…
I decided to say sorry. I was sorry. I am sorry. I had probably hurt him in ways that I’m not even aware of. And it matters. It makes a difference. I don’t need him to draw my pics. I just needed to say sorry and be done with all this.
Somehow it became very real to me that we might not get forever to get things right. We may not get forever to say sorry or to tell someone about an offense and give them an opportunity to redeem themselves.
My heart is feeling revived. He may never let it go. He may never forgive me. It may be another lifetime before he says sorry to anyone about anything. It’s OK. I think I’ve done my part.
At the end of the day, all we can do is our part. The chips will fall as they may, and, God willing, sooner than later, we will meet someone who has the same MO as us.
I am grateful for this argument. I see what a bad friend I have been to my friend, holding on this project for so long without finishing it. I could have done it. I can do it tonight. It’s going to be challenging. It’s going to be a sacrifice. I’m going to have to face my completion anxiety and learn some skills and be up all night. I’m going to have to stretch a little more, but I know this is gonna be a good thing.
You know, we run away. We run away from discomfort. We run away from challenges or anything that might make us cry or actually have to talk to someone when we don’t agree with them. We are such small children, throwing tantrums and exiting the lives of those we love, making ourselves miserable and fighting instead of just caring about each other. Instead of being kind and trying to see another’s point of view.
We take and take and we give when it’s easy, when it pleases us, but ask us to walk in the cold night to make a sick friend some tea and not ask for anything in return. Ask us to finish a project for someone we love when the task is causing us anxiety. Ask us to just shut up for once, even when we’re mad, because we know that our words may cause irreparable unnecessary damage to someone we care about. Ask us to compromise, to give up something of little importance so that someone we cherish will feel cherished. Ask us to give up the need to always be right and we are not willing…
I think we got it wrong somewhere. With all this “Love yourself” and “don’t compromise” talk. I think we missed the point. Loving yourself doesn’t mean sitting in a bubble pampering yourself while the whole world falls apart. Loving yourself inevitably means sharing love with another. It’s one of the deepest human needs. And staying true to yourself (aka not compromising) doesn’t mean that you always do what you want to do when you want to do it all the time only when it feels good to you. It means taking the time to figure out who you are (that’s step one) and then living accordingly. So if you have decided that you are a loyal friend (whatever that means), but then you disappear whenever a friend shakes your emotions up a bit, you’re not being true to yourself. You’re being a coward.
We ask for so many things that we are not willing to give. Love, Compassion, Kindness, Peace, Safety, Support.
We think that somehow we can trick the universe. No one will know the thoughts in our heads. No one will know about our lies and resentments. Our unforgiveness. Ha. No one will know when we hope someone else suffers because of what we feel they’ve done to us. It’s a lie. Even if no one ever knows, it’s all energy. I am starting to be able to see it, in myself and in others. It is the dark cloud of resentment that precedes a person before they enter a room. It is the red fire that walks with the angry gangster. It is the pale, peaceful blue that follows one who has cleaned his heart. It is the shifty eyes of one with so much confusion and pain…
We are foolish enough to think that no one will know who we really are, but everyone knows, even the babies who can’t articulate it, but cry when they are held by certain people.
God, I would like you to find me clean. Not better than everyone, just clean. My real self now. My original self. I would like my aura to be clear blue, like water. Soft, like cotton candy. I will stay up late at night and cry my eyes out. It’s OK. I will fight whoever until I get to the root of all of the disharmony with all of the relationships I’ve ever had. It’s OK. It doesn’t always feel good, but it’s good medicine.
Lord, I am willing to be all of the things I’ve prayed for. A Giver, not just a Taker. A Lover. A Comforter. A Supporter. Not just when it’s easy. Not just for the people who seek those things. I am willing to be those things whenever it is good for me to be those things…
Teach me how to be in this world. Take over and mold me in the areas where I am weak, the blind spots that I can not see.
My One is on a whole ‘nother level and I’m trying to get ready before I see him this weekend. The least I can do is clean myself up and be ready. The least I can do is give my life a chance…
Day 264
What Lives In Must Come Out
hownottocryeveryday 