Good morning World!
I just wrote a whole blog, took a nap, sent some emails, and now I’m starting over again. It’s 8:10. Headed out early today to take care of grown-up stuff, like finally getting a bank account in my name again, taking care of DMV stuff, etc.
My One reappeared. I got offered another job in another department of the job I work for. It was a permanent job versus the temp-to-perm job that I have now. I didn’t accept it because God said no. A few hours later I found out that the job where I am is going to become permanent.
Life is pretty interesting. My energy is back. I’m excited and grateful about nothing in particular. I’m alive. This part is called the initiation. Sometimes it lasts a while. It’s the part after training. The part after college. The part after you have sat in a room for a while and read some books or gone through some ordeal and you are ready to face the world again.
Life is like stories. There is a universal process of birth and death always happening. Beginning, middle, end. They all happen simultaneously all the time, but it’s cool when you’re aware of them. I am at the end of a certain way of life. The end of that poverty, disempowered, “woe is me”, run-away, scared, head low, confused, I’m not good enough, dysfunctional relationship, sad part. I am at the beginning of everything I’ve never known: stability, self-Love, order, fulfilling relationships based on a foundation of true Love, success, financial freedom, partnership and friendship, actually living from a sense of connectivity and purpose, showing up in the world as my true true self… And I’m in the middle of stuff that I’ve been working on for some time: learning how to get along with men (and women), figuring out how to be open yet safe, and understanding control and power.
It’s still the initiation because I am birthing the beginning of a different kind of life. And when that other life becomes my experience, I will be on the other side. I’d like to take a moment to think about this “other” life that seems so far in the distance. I get scared to think about it because it’s so big. No one I know has ever lived this kind of life, this kind of happy that I imagine. In the back of my mind, a voice whispers “how dare you”.
How dare you think you can be and have and do all these things? Who do you think you are? Don’t you know where you come from? Don’t you know your place? No. You are supposed to be sad all the time, remember? People won’t like you if you have too much, trying to be happy and ish. You’re supposed to be arguing with your brother, remember? How dare you think you can get along with him? Oh, you think you’re special? How dare you think you can have a husband, like a real husband, and he care for you and take care of you and stuff and you actually like and respect him? You? Do you see any of your friends doing this stuff? No. You are supposed to just sit back and talk about how bad men are and be the victim and stuff and talk about how evil the world is and how you were doomed from the beginning. Your dad wasn’t good to your mother. Remember? Your brother abandoned you for nothing. Remember? That is your story. You grew up poor. You’re not supposed to have stuff.
These are the voices that whisper so deeply in me. They are trying to keep things the way they have been, but they will not win. No. They will not win. The beginning of my story has been written and it’s a good story. It has all the elements of a good story. So much to overcome. Such complexity in all the characters. An overbearing yet loving mother. A protective father who cheats. All kinds of siblings. A quiet girl with so many gifts and talents, afraid of so much, coming into herself.
I’m going to outline the rest of my story, if you don’t mind. I’m at the climax of the story. I recognize. It’s the turning point that determines the resolution of all prior issues. It’s the part where the heroine either slays the dragon or runs away and says she’s not going to fight. Or she dies. Or she gets bigger weapons. Or some kind of Divine Intervention happens. You get the point. It’s where a big decision is made and big action is taken.
The interesting thing is that the heroine has to step out of her story to see what decision to make. She cannot look at the dragon and think “oh my God, he’s so big I can’t possibly win”. She has to believe she can win first, and then she gets some kind of inspiration and remembers the karate that her daddy taught her a long time ago, or she activates a magic sword she forgot she had or animals swoop down and peck the dragons eyes out or something.
For a moment, I would like to step out of my story. Not put too much attention on My One or my job or all the voices in my head telling me that I’m not shit and how dare I think my life can be good.
God? I am willing to win. I want to win. Yes. I am willing to end this old story once and for all and start the new one.
What are you willing to give, You ask me.
All of me.
-What specifically?
My Love. I am willing to give all of my Love. More and More.
Come out, come out, You say.
All this time I thought it was about what I could have, but it’s about giving isn’t it? The having comes automatically. I almost understand.
Again, You ask, What am I willing to give…
My voice and my words. Yes.
They are important, You say.
And I feel so arrogant even saying they are important.
But they are important, You say. You are all important, if you only knew. Speak your word and let the world be blessed by your voice. Stand up tall, now. Stand up! There is no honor in playing small.
Do not worry about what the voices say. Cultivate the ability to hear My voice. My voice. Get past this part now, where you doubt the vision of your life that I have shown to you. It is Your life. Of course there is a partner. Of course there are children. Of course there are all of your needs met. That sad life is not for you anymore. That poverty life is not for you anymore. You see, the world has things for you, even in the sadness. Lessons to learn. Humility. Compassion. You understand now, your connectivity to all kinds of people in all kinds of situations. You have been those people and so you don’t have to worry about judging them when you become someone else.
Do you understand? You have My permission to be free. To move up in the world in a mighty mighty way. You have My permission to be yourself. All of Yourself. All of it. Tomorrow we will deal with the details, but for today, let’s practice just Love. Just giving and receiving Love. We are not slaying dragons. The dragon died of a heart attack on its own.
We are figuring out what to do now that there’s nothing to fight…
Day 277
When There’s Nothing To Fight (Freedom)
Drama averted.
Good morning Love.
My body is vibrating this morning. I am aware of Love all around me and Grace. Nothing seemingly good has happened. In fact, the seeming opposite has happened.
The powers that be at my work are on an aggressive mission to keep me and the “new crop” of employees that started with me from advancing. This includes falsifying policy and writing us up for violating rules we didn’t violate and preventing us from applying for advancement opportunities.
I think “My One” may be gone for good, even though I thought he was the one. Other dudes have been coming out of the woodworks quickly. Mr. Voodoo Man almost got me, trying to feed my mind with concepts that don’t fit me. He’s powerful and smart, but he’s not the Truth.
If I was on Mario Brother’s I would be leveling up right now, eating one of those gold coins that turn me into big Mario.
I am realizing something. No one has any power over my life. It sounds like a cliche, small realization, but it’s really big. There is One Creator that I bow down to. I am exploring the nature of that Creator. Other than that, no one has any power over me. No one can hurt me. Do you understand? There is a Divine Plan for me and there is nothing that can hinder it.
I am realizing all the times in my life when people have said things are impossible. I am thinking about my car parked in the parking garage outside. My management had threatened to evict me if I parked in this lot. I didn’t give in to their idle threats. I didn’t succumb to their perceived power. I’ve been in the parking spot for some months now, and just last week, I found out that my management had lost the contract to this apartment. They had been fired for so many deeds of mismanagement. God took care of it and I don’t have to suffer from their arbitrary retaliation any more.
So I’m understanding what it means to stick to truth. I’m understanding what it means to say what you need to say. With understanding comes responsibility. I get it. I’m always that girl. Raging against the machine.
It’s OK. I’m not angry anymore. Not really. This is called faith and knowledge. You have a plan for me. Fear no longer gets to rule. Nope. The end of that. I wrote My One a letter and told him all the Truth I have for him. There is nothing left to say, but I can rest in peace now. I’m sorry. I planted fear in our relationship. I’m sorry. I won’t do that ever again. To anyone.
It’s OK to look our obstacles in the eye and see them for what they really are: opportunities for growth and demonstration. Beginnings of a new way of life. Final exams and lessons. Initiations helping us step into truth. Reminders of who we are.
We rise above all that would hinder us from reaching Our full potential in this life in this time. We infuse our very being into every act. The highest possible good for all involved. The highest possible good for all involved. The highest possible good for all involved. We shall not be broken. We stand in Unison with Our Creator, the Power of all Power, the Comforter of all Comforter. Love and Divine Wisdom are the order of the day. Love, Love, Love, Love, Love from the center of my very being. A light so bright that no darkness can stand in it’s presence.
We let it shine and from this place we begin our day. And so it is. Ameen.
Day 276
Shine Baby, Shine
It’s Saturday. I’ve been at home all day. A lot going on in the atmosphere. Oooh we. Change just blowing all over me. Lazy day. Birds chirping in trees outside. Gifts to be bought. Bills to be paid. Things to be organized. Completions to be made.
I had a happy ending. With my friend who showed up out of the blue after his five-year disappearance. He gave me good advice. He showed me so much Love. He presented some work and money opportunities. He asked if I would be with him, like be his woman. I hadn’t thought about him in forever and don’t really want to think about that question right now, but I do want to think about and share all the other gifts that brought.
Like how he brought to my attention how much I have been abusing myself over the years. Abusing my heart in particular. Mind you, it had been five years since we last spoke, and that’s enough time for people to have noticeable changes. I thought of all the people I have interacted with over that time. All of the dramas. All of the heartaches and struggle. The same cycle over and over again, so much so that I had almost forgotten what stability felt like. I had forgotten about how I used to dream about relationships and the unconditional love and support of a man. I used to believe that happy endings were possible and I used to be so full of life. He reminded me about that part of myself. He still sees it in me.
But I am a grown-up now, with a different life in a different place and the rules from the past don’t work for this grown-up version of myself. I can not pretend to be naive. People know it’s not true. Nor can I pretend to know more than I know. It doesn’t work. Time will not stand still for me, though. I have tried to make it wait for me, but it won’t. And so the forces of evolution push me to step into this grown-up version of myself, to incorporate everything that I’ve been learning into my life now, so that it’s no longer theory. So that it’s my life.
My job will be ending soon. Not because it’s ending, but because the reprieve is over. I am not allowed to create. I am not allowed to bring the best of me. I have to play dumb or sit silent while injustices occur or suffer the wrath of my supervisors. I just realized what needs to be done before I leave. Well, first I need to find another source of income that is more in alignment with everything that is seeking to express through me (and somewhere that has health insurance), and second, I need to tell the truth to my supervisors. They have the power to create such a wonderful environment, but they are caught up with so much pettiness. It makes everyone (including them) suffer. My big, fat, forthright mouth is one of the few things I have going for me, so I’m going to infuse my words with love and say what I need to say before it’s all said and done…
I live for happy endings. I think I invite people into my life over and over again until we can get the ending right. Happy endings doesn’t always mean that you smile in each other’s face and talk about how good your experience was. For me, it just means that I’ve said all I wanted to say and done all I wanted to do before saying goodbye. And the hope is always that when you started off loving someone, you can leave loving them, saying sorry and making everything all right before it’s over.
But sometimes people want to hold you. And so they leave without a goodbye. Trust me, they feel the same way. They wish that they could have looked in your eyes and hugged you one last time or at least spit on your face and told you what they really felt! It haunts them, too. But we lie. We say we don’t care. We say we forgot about them. We say we have moved on. We lie to ourselves so much that we begin to believe our own bitter lies.
And we don’t realize why it has become so hard for us to smile. Why we just can’t get into anything anymore. We have been holding out. Waiting for our happy endings without even realizing it. If I can wait for Dream Lover to say sorry, then at least there is still some connection. He knows this just as well as I do. Intuitively we know. If we can hold on to something, some debt, some un-forgiveness, if we can disappear without closing doors, then at least there’s something. Some connection. Some hope we can use to stop ourselves from ever having to step out into the unknown again.
I see what needs to be done for my happy ending. I mean, God has a way of bringing people from the past back into my life and giving me an opportunity for a happy ending, but it doesn’t always work that way. And in the meantime, my emotions are held hostage. In the meantime, I am subconsciously waiting for such-and-such to reappear before I fall in love for real. I am waiting for such-and-such to notice me before I team up with someone else. I am waiting for some dream happy ending before I take a step into the rest of my life, but in my waiting I am actually stepping backwards, because the world is continuously moving forward.
I almost caught something… I can just say what I need to say and be done with it. I do not have to wait for permission from the past to have a happy ending. Everyone doesn’t need a Dear John letter. Some will never understand. But for some, I just have to tell them. Dear John, you hurt me and I have been putting my life on hold all this time waiting for your apology. I see that I may never get it. You may never get it. And it’s finally OK. I am creating my own happy ending here, finally not waiting for you to release me or explain yourself. And this is how it goes. This is what I feel like you have done to me. This is what I need to speak out of my mouth so that I can get my power back. I need to at least tell you what you have done. Don’t ask me why I need to tell you, because I don’t even know why. I only know that I can’t have a happy ending until the truth is spoken…
And I am ready for happy endings now. I am ready for new beginnings. I am ready for the cleansing and the healing and the burning away of all that has held me hostage. I am ready to take responsibility for all of it and to stand up in this world amongst my friends and family and everyone I connect with in Truth. No more pretending. No more playing like I don’t know what I know. No more disrespecting and dishonoring my precious, precious self.
It is time to use my voice and my words and my hands and my feet and my prayers to create and call forth the true life within me. It is time for a mighty mighty change. No more damage to my precious, precious heart. We know when we are abusing ourselves. We just do it so much that we get so numb… It’s time for happy endings…
Day 275
Happy Endings
Good morning World,
I hope everyone is doing OK. I have been under attack, caught in the crossfire of other people’s wars. I survived. I’m OK.
I’d like to take a moment to set an intention before I head out for the day. It can be scary coming back to the world after you’ve spent a long time alone in the silence of your own thoughts.
You find that everything is not like they said in the books. Everyone doesn’t always Love you and people aren’t always nice. Sometimes people will be against you. Just because. Just because you are a woman or a man or a certain age or a certain race. Just because you light up a room when they don’t. Just because you don’t give them what they want from you or just because you dare to smile in spite of it all.
So I have been under attack. By men. And women. Because I smiled just a little too big. Because I didn’t do what I was told to do by a man who feels like it’s his very birthright to tell me what to do. By powerful people who believe they are more powerful than me. And it hurt. When bees sting it hurts. And it confuses you. And it causes you to question yourself.
Am I supposed to do everything men say because I am a woman? Do I need to just shut up at work and not tell everyone about my skills so that I will be liked by my supervisors who aren’t as educated as me? Have I been doing something wrong? Do I need to just shut up and not smile so big so I can get along in the world? Is this why I don’t have a man? Do I just need to be nice? Because every man I have ever loved and been in a relationship with has tried to dominate my will.
My most recent attacker said that I emasculate men by trying to tell them what to do. By not letting them lead me. He said that this is why my exes resent me. And he was very convicted. And what he said sounded like truth.
But then he said that I needed to learn “game” (how to interact with men to make them do what I want). He said I don’t understand the nature of the soul. And he said I need to focus less on my emotions and more on my “indifferent soul”. And he said that he had come around to teach me things and I need to humble myself to him or else he wouldn’t teach me. And he was very convicted. And this sounded like truth, too.
But it wasn’t.
And there is something so lovely about being around powerful people. They force you to go deep. They will devour you if you don’t. He was right. Men like to lead. At least the kind of men that I like like to lead. And even I like to follow sometimes. But not just anyone. Only Kings and Priests who are guided by Love. Those are my leaders. I don’t bow down to people who are all about self. I don’t bow down to manipulators and cheaters and liars. No. I don’t bow down to men who spend their entire lives trying to feed their egos or people who never say sorry and don’t talk to their mothers. No. Those are not my leaders. Everyone is a teacher if we allow them to be, but they are not my leaders.
I see the error in my ways. It’s not that I don’t listen to men, it’s that I set myself up to try and listen to the wrong type of men. Men who are not qualified to lead me. It sounds arrogant, but it’s the truth. It has nothing to do with their worldly standing. It has everything to do with their heart. With their ability and desire to come clean. To wash off their conscience. To say sorry. To live with integrity. To set an intention of harmlessness. To comfort and protect and Love in spite of all else.
You will say that this kind of man does not exist, but he must exist because I exist and I have thought of him. I have prayed for him and every prayer has an answer.
I have to get dressed for work. The attackers didn’t win this time. They will never win, Insha’ Allah. Demons come cloaked in sugar all the time. Bringing powerful words and ideas, trying to steal your will. They cannot survive on their on will. They thrive off of the minds and souls of others. My attacker was not a demon. But he wasn’t my teacher. And I almost believed he was, because his words were just that convincing.
The funny thing is, he told me to get over my emotions, but my emotions are what saved me. The inexplicable stomachache that you get when you’re around someone. The headache or red eyes. The fatigue. The way you’re feelings always seem hurt even though they never even said anything to you. Don’t disregard the gifts that God has given us. OK, maybe women aren’t that good with logic. But we have other tools to help get us through the world. We have other tools that keep us safe. And we have other tools to recognize the truth. Let’s use them. Ameen.
Day 274
The Tools
Closure. Three people contacted me in the past couple of days, none of whom I have communicated with in the past six months or more…
A good friend who had gotten severely depressed and gone into seclusion reached out to me today. Seven months since last contact.
A guy a used to date that ended in conflict. One year since last contact.
And I don’t even know what to call this last person. An old friend? Someone who I had a very deep encounter with. Ended not quite right. Four years since last contact.
I will be seeing all of them this weekend.
My One? I saw his two days ago. We are fighting over nothing. Really we are fighting because neither of us are the people we both wanted each of us to be and we were both so hoping that we would be each other’s “one”. He says he’s not fighting me, and he’s right. He’s not fighting. He’s avoiding. He’s not putting any energy towards me at all, or any other woman for that matter. Working so much that he has no time for anything else besides rest. Disengaging from any encounter that may make him feel vulnerable. I’ve seen it all before. He’ll grow out of it. He wants to grow, so he’ll grow out of it.
One day he will miss being connected to someone so much, because he lives for deep connections even though he’s in denial right now, and he will reach out to me, the last woman he connected with on a deep level. I will welcome him with open arms, but I think it will be too late. I would have already moved on. Perhaps when that one day comes, we will be able to be friends, like my almost friend who I haven’t seen in four years.
Should I write him a goodbye letter? No, You say. Let him be. You have done your part. Hmm… Relationships are so strange. They are my biggest challenge. Learning how to relate to others. I get so upset when things don’t turn out the way I thought they should, and that’s where I need to grow…
You meet someone and you think they should be your whatever. You’re best friend. Or your lover. Your husband. You think they are the perfect person to work on the perfect project with you. I mean, look at the way you get along together! Look at how well your ideas and ambitions match! Look at the balance! Look at the electric chemistry between you!
But then they don’t want what you want. I mean, yeah, you both crack up at each other’s jokes and you’re so natural around each other, but they don’t want to be your best friend. They’d rather hang out with those other girls and talk about fake stuff all day.
Or yeah, they have the perfect artistic style for your children’s book and they need money and they are looking for a way to express their creativity, but they don’t want to draw your pictures. Doesn’t matter how much you pay them. They would rather get a part-time job they hate that dominates all of their time.
Or (this is the best) yes, they are lonely, they are looking for a wife, they think of you every single day and print out your pictures from online and put them on their walls, they think the world of you, they talk about you to all of their friends, but if you dare come around, if you dare act like you like them, or God forbid Love them, they disappear. Start a fight. Tell you they are seeing someone. Hook up with some girl that they aren’t smitten by. And they continue on. Fake happy. Lonely still… They reach out in their loneliest moments, when the girl they don’t love is sleeping or something, and confess their deep feelings, and then they disappear again…
These are my past relationship patterns. I could blame all the people I’ve interacted with for all of their actions, or I could take responsibility for my life and see that the only common denominator in all of these experiences was me. And everyone doesn’t experience these things. I do. I have. I am the one who has been unavailable for the fulfillment of my desires…
I am growing at an exponential pace right now. Issues that I have had all my life are coming to completion. I thank you, God, for everything. I thank you, Tommie, for encouraging me to write this blog. It has been instrumental in me changing my life.
So, now, let’s look at the last frontier. Relationships. The biggest part of the initiation. I have done a lot of work already. I have dug and dug and dug and issues have come to the surface. Past relations have showed up allowing for closure. Asking for closure. I am not afraid of much anymore.
I am seeing my past folly. I have had little faith. I had been reaching towards people. I mean, of course I’m reaching towards people, but I had made decisions for other people when they had never made those decisions on their own. For example. My children’s book. I had already decided that a certain person was going to draw the pics before he agreed to draw them, and then I had been reaching towards him and only him, trying to force things. It wasn’t mutual. He kind of was sort of interested in drawing the pics, but not really.
Instead of spending all that time reaching towards him, I could have just prayed that God send me an illustrator that I worked well with, someone who really wanted to draw these pictures and waited. I could have just waited and seen what God would do, instead of trying to force a person to be what I think they should be when I think they should be it. God has a way of bringing us so much more than we can bring through our own thinking…
My One? I will let him be. I Loved him and it’s OK. Yeah, I Loved him that quick and I don’t care what anyone has to say about it. My heart opened up to this guy, but I think I got it right this time. I recognized. I saw his actions. He was not reaching towards me. He was not showing me Love or consideration. He had not prepared a space and was not even trying to make a space once he met me. I gave the Love I was inspired to give and I managed to honor myself and not force things as well. I am growing after all…
My old almost friend just called. We are hanging out tomorrow. I asked him what we are going to do and he said to be prepared for anything. He said, “We can… talk, crack jokes, people watch, and climb stuff.” It’s exactly what I wished “My One” would have said to me but he never did… I don’t remember Almost Friend having such a soothing, happy voice. Wow. Either my ears have changed or his voice has changed. Probably both…
Wow. God, You’ve got some tricks up Your sleeve. I’m amazed at how stuff just shows up from nowhere right when you need it. You are continuously keeping me on track. I try to settle with some dude I know I don’t like and you present “My One” to me, reminding me of what I’m looking for. I encounter resistance to expressing and receiving Love and you present a happy man that will help keep me alive! Even if it’s just for a day, it’s enough already.
Today is enough already, but I am open to more. I am willing to have positive, uplifting, reciprocal relationships. I am willing to learn every single lesson that I am to learn from past relationships. I am willing to stay and let Your will be done. And I am willing to go when it is time to go. I am willing to have closure, finally, and respect others for who they are. Harmony is the order of the day. Harmonious relationships. I release the need to control people. I release the need to demand that people treat me a certain way. I take responsibility for the way I treat myself and the way I treat others, and I place my heart in the hands of those who honor, respect and Love me. I honor, respect and Love myself and I am now a giver. All who cross my path are blessed because of it and I am blessed by their presence. And open and Let You do the work that You are doing to and through me. I open wider, wider, and wider still and I am safe in Your Arms…
Wisdom, Faith, Evolution and Growth are my friends. I walk with Guidance.
And so it is. Ameen.
Day 273
Relationships
Hello World,
How are you? Good evening. My brother is here talking to me right now. It’s good. Ignoring him for a bit so I can write blog. Talking to him was actually nice. I was just about to complain about him. Lol.
Life changes every day.
My One flaked on me for a date last night. I was sad. Really sad. Astonishingly sad. It’s the first time I’ve been really vulnerable to a guy in a long time. I mean, I was vulnerable with Mr. Almost Famous, but he never gave me any indication that he was ever going to be with me, so I never expected him to do the kind of stuff that guys do when they’re interested in you. But I really thought I might have something with My One. I thought he was The One…
He’s got so much going on in his life right now. There is no space for me. It’s not even personal. He hasn’t made the space for a woman. He’s busy with his problems. He can’t even see me. He won’t be the one to bring flowers or plan fancy dates. He’s not the one to cook dinner or go hiking. He doesn’t even understand this whole love thing. And I can’t make him. That’s the saddest part. I could tell him all of this, tell him what he needs to do if he really wants a relationship, cry my eyes out, do everything for him that he ever imagined, be the nicest person in the world to him, but it won’t change a single thing. If I’ve learned anything at all, it’s that you can’t change people. People will change and grow when they are ready, willing and wanting.
The best I can do is honor myself. Never really thought deeply about what that means. Side note: Today one of my sisters told me to stop putting all my business out in the streets. Not too long ago another sister told me to be more public about my blog. It’s relevant. People will always have an opinion about how you should live your life. I listen. I don’t assume that I know everything. I listen when people want to tell me something, because they may be telling me something I need to hear.
But at the end of the day, it’s just me living my life, not them. They don’t sleep in my head. And so it comes down to deciding what’s important for me. This guy, he’s perfect for me, or at least I think he is. But he doesn’t treat me the way I would like my man to treat me. He could change. We could talk and he could do things differently. But he would have to be willing and wanting to be my man for that to happen. And let’s just face it: He’s not. Maybe someday he will be, but not today. The reason doesn’t even matter. Maybe he doesn’t like my feet…
But when we talk about honoring oneself, we always think about the protective part. “Girl, you deserve better. You better dump him if he’s not acting right.” We are so mean to each other. We treat love and relationships as if they are just a game. As if people’s hearts aren’t at stake with every interaction. What about love? What about the loving part of me that’s begging to breathe? What about the part of me that wants to love him? That’s a part of myself, too. You understand?
I am trying to figure out how to be safe and follow my heart at the same time. I am trying to figure out how to honor my whole self. Because I Loved him already. I chose him already. And I really don’t want to do the whole rebound thing, go out and find a new boo. But I can’t cry every day anymore. I’ve made that decision as well.
I need to have peace of mind. Nothing else will do. Let’s step out of the situation and see what it is in truth… I would have to be the grown up with him. He is a child, more afraid than me, more resistant to good than me. A child King. We are the same, but we are not at the same place in our lives. I am ready, whereas he only wants to be ready. He hasn’t tested it out and seen what that means yet.
Look deeper, You say. See the action that must take place. How can we Honor ourselves here? Tell the Truth. Tell him everything. Without want or need. Without him having to be your man or give you anything. Give him the gift of Love that you have been dying to express. Honor yourself…
This is some Queen stuff. Learning how to Love when you have absolutely nothing to gain. Communicating your true feelings with no intent to manipulate or play games. Protecting your own Self in a world full of monsters and seeing monsters for what they really are. Staying open, expressing Love nonetheless. This is some grown-up stuff. Releasing the need to control everything and allowing life to flow with ease.
He plays games. Yes. He is a scared little boy trying to be a man. A King. Yes. He is your teacher and you are his. Yes. Trust. You…
he just texted me and asked to see me…
You can be safe and Loving. Lean on me. The object of attainment isn’t your “One”. It is the experience of Love. It is the ability to be intentional and compromising, to be brave even in the midst of your most vulnerable moment. Queen stuff. To learn to Hear My Voice in spite of all the other voices that the world will throw to you. Without proof that anything will ever work, to walk the path of Guidance, siratalmustaqueen, and see that I am real…
Ameen.
Day 272
With Honor Of Self
I’m feeling low, Lord. I go back to LA today…
I dropped my sister off at work this morning. My other sister leaves soon. Then my mom and nephew will drop me at the airport…
It’s getting harder and harder to go back to LA. My heart is breaking. There is so much Love here. It’s so lonely out there. Just work and work and work and guys who never want anything and girls who always want something… sigh…
Why don’t I just move here? It’s better than down South. Peaceful. My sister’s apartment is literally overlooking a golf course with views of the hills and lakes right outside of the window. Birds chirp outside of every window as the sun rises and the air is fresh and clean, not like my apartment where I only have that one window with that one tree in my one gated community before I step out into the polluted city…
It’s better here. But I don’t live here. Why not? Pride? Ego? Me wanting to finish what I started? At what cost?
I am looking to LA but I see nothing. “My One” has lost interest in me, I think. Or whatever. Thinking about him only makes me sad now. I messed up. Or he messed up. Or whatever. But he’s not willing to go there with me anymore, and I’m not willing to carry a relationship on my own or want someone who doesn’t show that he wants me… My brother? Living with him is not the most exciting thought. It’s anti-exciting. Depressing. Picking, poking, judging, holding back love. That’s all I can think of.
So, I’m going deep within this morning, God, because I’m going back to Cali. I don’t know why. There doesn’t seem to be anything worth coming home to in Cali. No Love. I mean, I have a few friends that I Love, and it’s good Love, but I don’t see them very often. We are all busy working, working, working.
But we don’t really share life together… There’s nothing worth coming home to out there…
So, I’m sitting here trying to reconcile this, because I’m getting on the plane and I will be back in Cali later today. And I don’t know how long I’ll be there, but Spirit says I’m there for now.
But I need a sign, some hope, something. Just something to keep me going… Oh Lawd!!!! OK…
Breathing… Allah? I am going back home today, and I realize that my life back home is severely lacking in Love and connectivity. In family. I am missing family. I am missing the comfort of being surrounded by unconditional Love. I am missing cooking big meals and eating them with people. Laughing. Talking about nothing and just enjoying each other’s space. Supporting each other…
I would like to have a life that I look forward to coming home to. I’ll stop being a cry baby, suck it up, whatever. I know I ventured off on my own for whatever crazy reason and I started something that I have to finish. I know I am responsible for making my life the way I want it. So here I go. If I don’t cast my will upon the world, then I will drown in depression.
We are going back home. We have seen the truth of the kind of life we really want. Something like Hawaii. Settled. Easy. Clean air. Family. Add meaningful work. Add husband and children. Sharing. A lot of hugging. My writings. Let’s dream again.
Maybe I will be here in Hawaii soon. I don’t know where my husband will come from. I’m kind of tired of looking for him, to be honest. It must be me, but I don’t know what to do to change myself at this point. I don’t think I’m that bad of a person and I think I’m worthy of being Loved with all of my flaws, but the guys I want to be with don’t seem to have any interest in imperfect me, so I don’t know.
Sometimes I am tired of reaching, Allah. I just want to have already. My good job. My life settled. I want to stop dreaming and finally be a part of the dream come true part. And I have been building up little by little, I know. But I had fallen so far. It seems like I have so far to go. I know. Almost there. Just around the corner.
Let’s do what we can do today. For today, in this moment of despair and hopelessness, which could easily become a whole month of self-pity, confusion and apathy, I’m going to make a choice. I am choosing, Allah, to be hopeful. I am choosing to be open. I am choosing to be intentional. And I intend to have a great day. Someone said that when you think you’re lacking something, you should give the thing you think you’re lacking to someone else. So, I feel like I’m lacking family and connection. I will give that to my brother. Lord knows he’s lacking it. I’ll just forgive him. All the way. Right now. And be nice to him, in spite of all the horribleness that I know he’s about to throw my way.
I don’t know why I’m going to do this. Because it’s all I can think to do at the moment. I don’t know if it works or if I will get a blanket to cover me, too, soon. I don’t know. I’ve never tried it. But I know that I must do something. I must participate in the creation of life as I’d like it to be.
Love. You are calling my name. My Blessed Heart. You are demanding to be of use again. Life. You are pushing me to be all that You intended for me…. Whew. Colorful. Full. Vibrant. Alive…. Alive. Alive.
My heart is being pushed to the limit. That’s a good thing. The limit has been so small. My life is being pushed to the limit. It’s a good thing. Life as it is doesn’t reflect me anymore. My walls need some color. I need more hugs and sharing. More finishing and success. It’s a good thing. I understand what it means when they say that everything that’s good for you doesn’t always feel good.
You have done me a good thing by giving me this short vacation. You have done me a good thing by introducing me to “My One”. You have let me see what life can be, what life should be for me. I believe that the highest possible result is automatically forthcoming. I will do what I can today. With Love, Allah. With Love in my heart. I am finally walking towards something instead of running away.
With Love in my heart, I plant new seeds. Ameen.
Day 271
With Love
Good morning World,
I am in Hawaii visiting family. I am so glad I came. So good to be in this vibration of unconditional Love…
My mom and sister are asleep. Kind of. Resting. We sleep in the same room. Spend most of the day in the company of some family member. How have I lived any other way? Wow.
Overwhelmed. Grateful. Grateful. Grateful. Everyone still has their issues. Their constant frustrations and gripes. Their “stuff” they are dealing with in their lives and relationships.
Everyone just woke up… My almost two year-old nephew came in and woke everyone up. He is so happy and animated!!! My blog… I can’t even get mad.
I am happy. I know, in a few days I will be back in LA in my room alone. But right now my sister is making fun of the size of my big toe and we are listening to a video of what the fox says…
I think I won’t be blogging anymore this morning… I left the room for a moment… Back to my thoughts. Ha! Out of the window there is a view of the mountains and a golf course… It’s beautiful here.
Life can be really beautiful. My family advised me about my situation with “My One”. I never talk to my mom about boys, but I did. I let her in on the happenings of my little world. She was happy to be let in. I was happy to share. My family and my only married sister advised me to just like him. If I like him, just like him and act like it. Be nice to him. Check on him. Be myself. Let God take care of the rest…
What a concept. I talk all this talk, but this is where the real faith stuff comes in. When there is a real risk of being hurt. What if? What if he doesn’t like me anymore? What if he thinks I have too many issues? What if he’s a liar? A player? A thief? A user? What if he’s mean? What if he has a million girlfriends somewhere and he didn’t really like me in the first place? What if he’s just trying to get my goodies? What if? What if? What if?
How do I protect myself against all this and still be open? What if he breaks my heart?
How do I be smart about things this time?
There is no answer. Trust, You say. Trust in all you have learned. Trust in Me. Heed the signs…
I can’t get into this blog today. My family is doing too much. Let me just take a moment to Connect, though, before I get swept into all the things we will do today. All the energies from so many people.
Let me set an intention for the day. Let me set an intention for this man before…
OMG. My mom just came and plopped down next to me. I think this blog is a bust!
Family… I Love them. Let me just give in to this moment. Let me just enjoy the company of others. Let me be with them, now. Let’s try this part. Being in the world, but not being overcome by it.
Loving but not being hurt. Respecting my own boundaries, but still being vulnerable and open. Loving myself. Let’s experiment with all the things I’ve learned…
Day 270
Time To Live
Good morning.
Rushing. Want to sit still before starting the day.
I dumped him.
He told me off.
It’s not over.
I don’t know if a grown man has ever told me off and made me shut my mouth, but he did. Said I was impatient. And spoiled. I could disagree and show all the ways I am patient and not spoiled, but the truth is, my behavior with him shows impatience and an unwillingness to compromise.
It’s because I felt vulnerable. And scared. What’s a girl to do? I am ridiculously patient and altruistic with babies and kids and people who I don’t think can hurt me, but when vulnerable, I become a different kind of bird. Guarded. Controlling. Suspicious. I start holding back on love and keeping tabs. Unforgiving… Yuck.
So, this man makes me have to be a grown up. It’s why I like him. One, because he bursts my whole heart open and two, because I have to be a fully grown powerful woman to be in his presence. I have to learn how to be trusting and powerful and stand up for myself yet be kind. I’ll have to learn how to be all aspects of myself, I mean actually be them, if I’m going to hang out with him. I’ll have to be peaceful with him even when I don’t feel like it. And humble. Yuck. I’ll have to take him as he is and not try to change him. Hmm…
I’ll have to trust God and actually learn to walk in the direction that I’m guided. I asked for this, didn’t I? Growth and stuff. I’m not advocating being with mean men or men that don’t treat you the way you want to be treated. I dumped him because he wasn’t calling me every morning like I want my man to do and taking me out on fancy dates and meeting me for lunch, etc. It’s how I want to be treated. I have a right to that.
What I didn’t see, though, is that he was growing me. He’s not a mean man or even a selfish man. He’s just a man with his own set of issues that he’s growing through. But he’s a strong man. And a powerful man. And a Godly man. And such a Loving man. And a kind man. And he’s even forgiving. He’s working on that part of himself, but he’ll get there because he wants to. He’s the best kind of man. I already know all that. Why do we doubt the things that we already know? I already know who he is… His presence was growing me into the kind of woman that I want to be. But I got scared. What if I do all this stuff for him, Love him like I want to, and he turns out to be a fuddy duddy? I didn’t have to dump him, though. I could have talked to him about my fears and we could have come to some agreements. He’s reasonable and awesome. I know he could do that. I know that it’s possible for me to be vulnerable and kind at the same time. I know I can be powerful and humble. It is not impossible for me to have a healthy, loving relationship with a man I adore. My One doesn’t even have to be my one. He can be whatever. I’d just like to grow past this thing I do. Now. Today. Be with me, God.
My sun is gone and now I am a just a flower waiting for the sunlight to come out again. First response says “go plant yourself somewhere else where the sun is shining”, but that’s the wrong answer. Stay still. Pull up your weeds. It’s just some clouds. The sun shines every day right where you are.
Be patient…
Day 269
Patience
I wrote this blog last night and forgot to publish it, and right before I went to sleep I got a phone call. The producer that I pitched my script to. He said he Loves it. He said he was moved. He wants to work with me. I have written and I’m going to direct my first feature film, Insha’ Allah.
It’s a new day. It’s such a new day! I taught yoga to my coworkers during our break today. It’s such a new day.
I won’t write too much, because I want to share the blog I wrote yesterday, but I want to say thank you, whoever you are and why ever you have come and shared this part of my life with me. Thank you so much for being with me. May your path be Blessed…
This is what I wrote yesterday:
Hi there.
It’s one of those days. Where the blog is needed. An intervention is needed.
It’s good to be aware of when an intervention is needed. It
s good to have the strength to intervene on my own behalf. Good evening Lord.
I’m feeling a little discouraged. Impatient. The question “when” is all up in my head. Reliving heartbreaks again and again. When does the heart stop breaking over the same old stuff? Reliving everything from the past. How could he? How could he share such a sacred moment with me and then say he only did it because I reminded him of someone else? How could he? How could he abandon me, my best friend, without even telling me why? I was just a little girl. It still hurts. How could he? How could he tell me he was going to marry me and ask about his unborn babies in my womb and then marry someone else? How could he let me give up everything I had to move in with him and then treat me so bad when I had no where else to go? How could he tell me he would go to the ends of the Earth for me and then disappear into thin air?
How could he? How could he just not give a sh*t? How could he treat me like an enemy when we were friends? We were such good friends…
How could he?
So many wounds…
“One day the pain goes…”
So many thing we want to do that never get done.
You sold me a dream and I bought it and I believed that it would come true. I still do. But sometimes I wonder when “one day” will come. When will the pain go for good? How many tears are in me? When will We get there?
You say We are on our way…
I’m not sad today. I don’t really know what I feel. I’m on the outside of myself looking at myself. This woman, she feels too much, I say, as I watch the movie of my life. She is going to make it through, isn’t she? She has already made it through and doesn’t even know it. Let her know, God. Let her know.
I know, so many people don’t make it. I’ve cried for all them already. I don’t understand, but maybe in another life they will know peace. Maybe in another life their dreams will come true…
There’s so much sadness, God. So much pain… I am weeping for the world. For mothers who lose their children. For husbands who lose their wives. For people who’s dreams never come true even though they try. For dead daddys and best friends separated. For promises never kept. I am weeping for religion, meant to heal, but gone awry. I am weeping for big fat egos that keep us far away from Love. We have a long way to go…
Am I one of those, Allah? A Truth bringer? Will my life make a difference here? You say it already has. To who?…
I don’t have an agenda for tonight’s blog. I’m writing because this is one of the moments we forget and I want to remember. I want to remember how I felt on this evening when nothing makes sense so that in the future I can realize that when I feel this way, it’s just one day. One evening. A new day comes and we feel completely different.
Sometimes absolutely nothing makes sense and everything that used to move you doesn’t move you anymore. Sometimes you find yourself mourning a loss that you thought you had gotten over a long time ago. Sometimes you’re not sure if you will ever quite get to your final destination and you can’t define the longing in your heart. Sometimes we are confused.
It doesn’t mean life is over, you see. This is where we learn wisdom. We don’t have to run from the things we don’t understand. We don’t have to always have an answer. I think it’s OK to admit that we don’t understand. Cry. Whatever. Sit still for once. Surely as the confusion came, a moment of clarity will arise. Soon. Sooner than you think.
I’m sitting here and my heart feels open. Squeezed open. Like when you pop a pimple and the venom comes out. The pain is leaving, slowly but surely… Sometimes it takes a while to heal a broken heart.
I don’t know how all those guys could have done all those things to me. I don’t know how I could have hurt so many people in so many ways. But we did. And we are sorry. Even the ones who never say sorry. One day they will whisper your name in a prayer. One day they will hope that a good thing happens to you.
One day, the pain goes. “And all the years that the locusts have eaten will be given back to you…”
It may take a while. Heck, it may take lifetimes, but one day surely comes. One day surely comes…
Day 268
One Day Surely Comes
