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Day 255 – When You’re Not That Desperate (The Land of Standards)

November 2, 2013

This body-mind connection thing can be quite a nuisance…

My head hurts. I feel like throwing up and crying… I remember the first time I ever felt like this. It was years ago. I was walking through the mall with my teenage little sister. My life was falling apart. We were losing the house we had bought for my mom. I was struggling in grad school. I couldn’t get a job to save my life. I was in danger of being evicted. The guy I was dating was sculpting things in homage to his ex-girlfriend and trying to make me do things I didn’t want to do… My sis and I were walking through the mall and suddenly everything just seemed confusing. It was hard for me to breathe. I felt like throwing up. My head hurt and I was dizzy. My teenage sister asked me if I needed to sit down. I did. She got me something to drink. Bless her sweet soul…

Tonight I went to an event hosted by a filmmaking group that I’m a part of. They have events once a month, but I hadn’t been to any in over six months. I went today and ran into a lot of people whom I hadn’t seen in a long time. I saw this guy I know. We’ll call him Mr. Producer. I hadn’t seen him in over a year and a half… I knew I would see him today. That’s why I came to the meeting. Because I wanted to see him. I saw him, or rather he saw me from behind. He hugged me before I could say anything about it. Immediately I couldn’t breathe. My head started to hurt..

By the time we got to the after party I was really dizzy… He came up to me and asked me how I’d been and I told him I’m not talking to him. He said OK and walked away… I think he was with this girl I know. I think they are (or were) lovers or something…

And here I am. Sitting at home trying to breathe. I couldn’t stay at the after party. I was tripping out. I knew I was going to see him today, but I had no idea about what I was going to do when I saw him or how I was going to feel. I had Loved him… I know you’re like, huh? Who? I had forgotten all about him…

I met him almost two years ago. People had been telling me about him. This guy with a similar background as mine who I should meet. I had never reached out to him, then I ran into him randomly at one of this organization’s meetings. We hit it off. He wanted to see what I had written. He was at the meeting promoting a movie he had produced. I came to see his movie. No one else from his personal life had come but me. I watched the movie and it was so good. It was a big deal movie and they had a Question and Answer segment afterwards. I watched him answer the questions. I was so proud. He felt like family… I felt like it was my brother up there and he had finally accomplished his dream… I was so proud of him…

After the movie he came and greeted me warmly. A lot of people wanted to talk to him, so I left. But when I got to my car, I decided to wait. Maybe he would want to say bye. Maybe he would want to hang out. I was so excited about him. I didn’t know why. So I waited and waited and finally I got a text from him asking where I was… We went to dinner that night. We talked about everything. It was so lovely. I truly enjoyed being with him. He brought the life out of me, like a magnet. I was excited and  full of a joie de vivre with him…

After that night, I called and texted him a few times, inviting him to spend time. He was always busy. I ran into him at another event, which was hosted by the girl I saw him with tonight. He was very friendly and flirty. He asked about my script again. I sent it to him… Then a couple months later he called me. He was going to read my script! He invited me over and I came.

We stayed up all night talking and writing and working. He gave me such good advice. We connected on such a deep level. He was smart and kind. He tried to act like a jerk, but I knew he was so kind. I could feel it. And I Loved him. I didn’t need him to be my man or my anything. In my mind, he was already my brother. I just wanted to be a part of his world. He allowed me to see his vulnerable side and that was one of the most precious evenings of my life…

In the morning I took a while to get ready. He was late for a phone meeting and annoyed. He dropped me at my car. Told me to rewrite my script and send it to him. He was real short with me. I didn’t send the script. I reached out to him a few more times and he either ignored me or responded with really short messages. So I stopped reaching out.

Time went by. Maybe a year. Then a couple of months ago, he called me. He said he had been gone and he was back in town. It wasn’t true. Over the course of his year of disappearance, people were constantly telling me about how they had met with him and talked with him and spent time with him. Maybe he had been in and out of town, but he wasn’t just gone for a whole year. We talked for about fifteen minutes. I told him he had abandoned me. He said we’d hang out that week.

He didn’t  call back. I called and texted him a few times. He didn’t respond. Finally, after sending him an invite to somewhere and him not responding, I sent him a text telling him off. I told him that one day he would want to be a part of my life in some way and I told him that I would remember what an asshole he was and how he treated me with such disregard…

So you’d think I’d feel vindicated today. He tried to talk to me and I told him no. Him and his bougie lover girl looked bored and unhappy. Hot guys were flirting with me and I could see him watching. You’d think that would make me feel good. I won. But I don’t feel good about it. I feel awful. I mean, I do have some pride. I couldn’t just sit there and be a faker, acting like he didn’t  just ignore me for the past year and change. I had to stand up for myself.

And here I am. I wish he would have just said sorry. Sorry Laydie. I was an ass. I would have forgiven him. And then we could have pulled another all-nighter and worked together and talked about our ideas. We could have been friends. But he didn’t say sorry and I didn’t act like nothing was wrong between us because something was wrong. How he treated me was wrong.

I need to breathe… My heart is beating too fast. I never thought this pride thing had any use, but there’s a place for it. It’s called standards. He brings the life out of me. I had forgotten. I am usually the one to bring the life out of others, but he brings the life out of me. Just by his mere presence I am invigorated. But I still don’t think I did the wrong thing by not talking to him today.

I don’t know where I got them from, but I think I have some standards now. He’s got it going on, no doubt. But he wasn’t nice to me and I don’t want to be close to people who aren’t nice to me. I’m not that desperate. Wow. I’m not that desperate…

Day 255

When You’re Not That Desperate (The Land of Standards)

From → The Initiation

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