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Day 263 – On The Cusp Of A Life Come True

November 16, 2013

God, I can’t breathe.

Good morning. My whole body is tingling. My thoughts are running wild with so many visions. I can’t sleep for more than four hours. I can’t breathe.

I am excited. Super excited. Overly excited. Like the way I felt when I first sent an email out to a production exec at a major studio telling her about one of my scripts. Overwhelmed with the thought of so many possibilities.

I need to come to You, God, read some of Your words this morning, breathe, meditate, move my body around, move forward by fulfilling another past-due promise. I have been here before. Just on the other side of a dream come true. I’m not just talking about a man, I’m talking about my whole life. My writing. My overseas help the world project. My health. My finances. My social life. I am just on the other side of a dream come true, so close I can taste it.

I can’t even sit still, which is kind of good, because I wake up in the middle of the night needing to do work, and there is a lot of work to be done.

So. I’ve been here before. In almost land. They say almost doesn’t count, but I think it does. We learn a lot from almost.

I spoke with my mom yesterday. She was telling me about the things going on in her life and the lives of my siblings. It had been some time since we’d talked. I had forgotten. About family dynamics. About personalities. About the internal motivations that compel anyone to take any kind of action. I’m on some other stuff. In my family, but not of it.

I just don’t care about certain things anymore. Some people will be prideful. People will be mean. Some will be nice. Some are motivated by guilt or the desire to please and save. Some need to feel better than others to think their life is worth something. And on and on. Some will fight with their lives just for the right to choose. Some, like me, are endlessly stubborn. The list goes on and on. It really doesn’t matter to me. I finally get it. People will be who they are. We are all on our own paths to try and make sense of this vast universe and our place in it. It’s not my place to try and make a person be a certain way. That’s playing God. They will change or not if and when they want to. What matters to me is how we treat each other along the way.

This entry is not focused. I haven’t thought of a topic for the day yet, but I’m just going to keep writing. I won’t delete this one and start over. This part of the process has meaning, too. There are times when we are inspired to move in a certain direction. We can’t figure out why. There is no outline. But as we move, and put one foot in front of the other, the vision becomes clear and we find ourselves at the heart of our heart’s deepest desire.

This part of my life has been long and arduous. There have been so many times that I haven’t understood so much. There have been times when I thought I was losing my mind, when I didn’t know how I was gonna eat or pay my bills, when I had to sleep on couches or in a car or with a crazy pouncing cat because I couldn’t pay my bills. There have been times when I have felt so alone, like the only person in the world and there have been times when I’ve felt like the closest people to me were my enemies. I have experienced being unloved by the people I loved. I felt so, so sorry for myself. And I have cried so much that I can’t see how I have any tears left. I have freaked out and had panic attacks and random body pains when just thinking about working on my script. And I have tried my very best at things and still failed nonetheless.

And here I am, standing at the cusp of a dream life come true. The vision of me on top of the hill is becoming clearer and clearer. I see the type of partner that I need to walk with for the rest of this journey. A good, kind, sweet, strong heart like me. A man with a vision. Nothing else will do. I see the work that I am to do, but somehow, I know that once I do the work I am to do, the vision will become bigger and there will be more fulfilling work to do.

The figuring out part, all that sad, ugly stuff, has been such a blessing. And I would never deny another person the possibility of having the suffering that will make them into who they are. The initiation.

So I stand here, on the cusp of my dreams come true, my dream life come true. I see all the old stuff that has come before. The nervousness and potential anxiety. The simultaneous fear of success and fear of failure and the fear of standing still and the fear of movement and the fear of change. I see a big fat beehive surrounding all of the unknown that I am stepping into. But this time, I see it for what it is. It’s just a beehive. It’s just fear. It’s just anxiety and worry. That’s it. It has no power over me. Nobody said this would be easy. Nobody said that the possibility of death and annihilation wouldn’t always exist.

We have run away before. Remember? All those “almost” moments? We have closed our eyes and walked blindly into our future before. We have started fighting the bees and gotten stung all over till we passed out. We’ve done all that. And we have learned and become better because of it.

And now we can walk towards the fulfillment of our dreams with open eyes, Guided and Clear. We know that no matter how far we run, our dreams will always haunt us, telling us to try again. And so We try again. This time we see everything for what it is. And we breathe easy. The dream was planted so that we could have it. We walk. God is for us and not against us. We walk. With faith. With poise. With confidence. With humility. With Love. Our lives are ours for the having.

And We let it be.

Ameen.

Day 263

On The Cusp Of A Life Come True

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From → The Initiation

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