Day 259 – When In Doubt (Give Thanks)

Hi there. Good morning.

I feel kind of bad after talking about Jesus. Just want to make a disclaimer here. I like Jesus and I know that what he represents has done a lot to bring people peace and a sense of wellbeing in the world. I have nothing against him and nothing against Christians or anyone who practices any other religion. I just get a little frustrated when people try and persuade me to follow their spiritual path when I have already told them what I believe. I think it’s really disrespectful…

But moving on. Good morning again. It’s one of those mornings. An empty morning. The sun just rose. The day is starting. I’m off work today, but I have a lot of work to do. A meeting tonight about my writing. Some projects to finish for friends… Need to make an appointment to go back to the doctor because my wrist still hurts. Bills to pay.

My roommate moved out day before yesterday. The apartment seems so big without his presence. Too big for one person…

I’m feeling a little alone, God. Just a little empty this morning. Like I want to reach out and touch someone. Like I want to run outside and just be a part of the world, not just the world of my clean apartment and my folded clothes. I want to participate in the living, the people.

Let me be honest, God. I get tired sometimes. I get really tired. The aloneness seems never-ending. Oh, there are people. There is always some guy wanting to spend time. But they want something from me, usually something I don’t want to give. And it’s draining and I end up feeling all guilty like I’m leading them on. That doesn’t interest me. And there are girls. But they have all these major self-esteem issues and they are jealous and unhappy and liars. I wouldn’t even care about the issues and the lies, but the faking is exhausting. I mean, not exhausting, but just not fulfilling. I leave the exchange not wanting to hang out again.

Because I like deep stuff. Real stuff. The fake stuff is a part of life but it doesn’t feed me.

Last night I talked to one of the guys who wants to spend time with me. He suggested that sometimes it takes a King to bring a Queen out of herself and vice versa. You know, the Celine Dione song, “I’m everything I am because you loved me”. I agree.

Where’s my King, God? When is he coming? I miss him. This Hollywood independent woman ideal is baloney. We were not made to live our lives out just by ourselves. It doesn’t even make sense.

I know, there are other things to do in life besides being with a man. Write, work, blah blah blah, dance. It’s all great. Really, it is. But what I want most in this world is a partner, God. I wasn’t ready before. I had all this junk in my mind and heart. But I’m ready now. I really am. I’ve done a lot of work on myself. A whole lot. I’m gonna be all successful and everything and I pay my rent on my own these days. I have cut all these cords between me and all my random exes. I’m free. It’s just me here now. And I’m even OK with being alone sometimes. I’m not desperate. At least I don’t feel desperate. You see that I turn down dates all the time and it’s not because I don’t want to be around people, it’s because I’m holding out for my King. Where is he? Is he coming? What do I need to do? Tell me what to do, please. I’m ready for the next part of life, now. The partner part. I’m ready to participate with other people and see what they bring to the table. I actually like and value other people’s ideas these days. It can’t always just be me. I’m not always the smartest person in the bunch, and I don’t always want to be.

I’d like to know other folks who have a calling and are working towards it. I’d like to know others who know You. Well, I know some of those people already, but I’d like them to actually be a part of my every day physical life. I am grateful for the magicians and alchemists that I have already crossed paths with. The Giants who let me know that there is a whole other way to relate to people. Like, I can actually be my full self and it’s possible that I will still have friends and people who like me and don’t hate on me and try and put me in a box on a shelf. I am grateful to know that.

You are telling me to start with gratitude. When the doubts and fears come. When you have not seen your heart’s desire yet, start with gratitude. See how far you have come. From the dysfunctional relationships and devaluation of your worth to an actual set of standards, from being this needy woman who always thought she needed a man as a stamp of “having a life” to knowing that you already have a life and wanting a partner instead of a hero. From a home of disarray to a clean room. You have a job now. The first full-time job you’ve had in years!

And finally you have decided to live. In fullness. It took a while. Remember? Your brain was full of chaos and fear. Remember? Thriving was not an option. It was all about survival. Remember? You were always running and trying to play small. You didn’t want to dance too big because you didn’t want the dancer girls to hate on you. You didn’t want to love too much because you didn’t want other folks to feel bad. You didn’t want to be too successful because, well, you were just used to being not successful.

It has been two years, but life has changed dramatically. You have a car, free and clear, for God’s sake! Your prayers are constantly being answered, step by step. You see, the woman you were before couldn’t handle the King that you want. You would have messed it all up. Run away or something. You would have treated him bad because you were so afraid of being vulnerable back then, remember? You used to put up all these walls. And you didn’t use to see people. I mean, you were so wrapped up in your desperate survival drama that you really couldn’t focus on anything else.

But things have changed. Your life has changed and I see that you are walking taller now. You don’t care if all eyes are on you when you walk into a room. You embrace it and smile. You look people in the eye and actually care about them. You set standards and boundaries for your life and you are becoming willing to accept the fulfillment of your dreams come true. You weren’t able to do that before, remember? A dream was just a dream, but you didn’t really believe it would come true. You couldn’t even stomach the thought of seeing yourself living the life of your dreams…

I have heard your prayer and I see the work that you are doing, Keep doing it. Keep cleaning out your closets and cleaning out your heart and mind. Make room for your answered prayer. Keep paying your debts. Keep developing your ability to hear Truth and keep practicing Love, receiving and giving. Keep walking in the direction you are guided. Keep knowing that I am for you and not against you.

I have heard your prayer. Your King is already here in the world. He exists. He listens to My voice and he is walking your way as We speak… Ameen… Ameen.

Day 259

When In Doubt (Give Thanks)