Day 260 – A Message For Cowards

Good evening…

Eyes closed. Lights off.. Holding back because all kinds of negativity bubbling up inside of me.

One of those days. A quit my job and run off with some man kind of day…

Met new dude. Yesterday. Well, didn’t meet him yesterday but hung out with him yesterday. Good chemistry but not enough. Wrong mental atmosphere.

Gave script to producer yesterday. Don’t know what he will say. Scared. Kind of. Resigned. Mostly.

Alone. Not bored. Kind of. Just alone. People within reach. I know. Reaching for something else, though. Something missing. Something filling. Feeling.

Want to feel again. So many wants. Want to feel again.Be excited about anything. Anyone. So much work to do. Never ending. Never caught up.

Catch up. Catch up, You say. Catch up… Be finished with something. Have a thing fulfilled. Finish something.

My movie is going to get made, isn’t it? Why am I sad about it? Why am I sad, today, God, without cause? What is this feeling about? This utter quiet?

I don’t want to run outside and be with people. I don’t want anyone over, but there is a wanting in me. A missing in me. What is it?

I’ve been wanting this guy to draw pics for my children’s book for years. He was the original artist I had in mind. We fell out a few times and I sought out other artists, good ones, but I wrote the book with his drawings in mind… I just got a text with him telling me that he’s not going to do it. Finally telling me he’s not going to do it… Now he wants to know how I’m doing.

Cowards. I’m surrounded by them. Maybe I am one, that’s why I know so many. We have things to do in our lives, destinies etched in our souls, and we are so caught up in our littleness. Of course I’m angry with him because he’s the perfect artist for this and he just doesn’t want to do it because he’s scared he’s gonna like me.

Can I punch him in the face? Just bless him, You say. You didn’t meet at the same place at the same time. Just bless him and let it go.

God, I don’t like to be the strongest person I know. I don’t like to be the only one who cares about the things I care about. I don’t like to be the only one who  would really go to the ends of the Earth for the ones I Love.

I am tired of being disappointed and lied to. I’m tired of not being Loved. I’m tired of men looking at me like I’m some sort of prize to be put on the shelf or some hero chick to save them from wandering in the wilderness while they spit on me and forget about me. They don’t see me and they don’t take the time to develop themselves so that they can feel comfortable and confident being with me…

I am tired of all the cowards. I am mad at them… At least that’s something to feel… I’m alive after all.

Geez.

I’m even tired of complaining now. I said I wasn’t going to complain. Does that count as complaining?

Bless them anyway, You say. Bless yourself anyway, even when you’re tired, You say.

How can I make life exciting again, without a man? How can I feel alive again? I miss being alive so bad.

Stop being a coward, You say. I am a coward, too, huh? Not with Love, but with other things. I am coward with my finishing. I can understand cowards and have compassion.

They are afraid of the unknown. We are afraid of the unknown. The drastic change that will take place once we take the next step. The finishing of stuff. It means we will have to find other stuff to occupy our minds. New stuff. If we do that thing we’ve been dreaming of for so long, what is the dream that will keep us moving every day. The unknown is so big and so unpredictable. At least here, we know what to expect. No surprises. No big, explosive feelings having us lose our breath. Hold on to what we have known. The loves we have known, the plans we have known. Hold on, because out there, outside of what we have known, it may be worse.

Someone might hurt us. Maybe we’ll fail. Maybe we won’t get back up if we fall… Lies. Maybe. Better to play it safe…

Or not. Cowards all around me reminding me that this will not do! This will not do. This will not do for my life. This death life will not do. My feelings are too deep for me to just be sitting around not loving anyone. I have too much to give to just be pushing papers 9 to 5 every day. This time is over already, God?

I am afraid, though. Let’s just be honest. I am afraid. I don’t even know what I’m afraid of. I’m just afraid. To finish stuff. To have a whole different experience of life. I want it so bad that I’m scared to want it because then I’ll hope for it and I don’t know if I can stand being disappointed, and I want to believe what they say, that I won’t be disappointed because You put these soul callings in me and You won’t disappoint me, but I don’t believe it all the way. I just want to believe it.

What are your options, You ask. We know that this will not do. This fearful way will just not do. You are missing your Life. Your Life is calling you. That is the emptiness you feel. Take your place. Do not be amongst the cowards anymore. You may be afraid but face your fears regardless and see that you will not die. And if you die, you will die full of Life and Grace instead of the slow death that is taking hold of you now. There is work to be done. I know, it all ends anyway, but you are Here Now, so be Here Now and participate amongst the living. You can source the Light and bring it to the world and there are others like you, too. You are not alone. Take your place, Now, and Live…

Day 260

A Message For Cowards