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Day 261 – Deal With It (All of It)

November 14, 2013

Hey there,

This is the third blog in a row where I’m having one of those days.

I think I’d like to do something different today, though.

Circumstances: Waiting to hear back from producer about script. Extreme anxiety. Met seemingly fabulous guy online yesterday. We chatted. Mutual interest. He asked me to share my deep thoughts about stuff. I did. He disappeared. Mr. Chemistry with the wrong mental atmosphere is not trying to disappear. Couldn’t remember why I didn’t like him so hung out with him again. Like-able enough but don’t want to be with him. Doesn’t matter why. No need to sort it out. Just don’t want to.

Getting new job offers. Jobs I didn’t even apply for. Saw my resume wherever. Lot of money. Out of state. Movement. Maybe. Yes. Finally cleaned my apartment and able to visualize a paint pattern and decorations. Don’t want to move. Why not? Lot of money equals out of debt for good. Why not? What’s keeping me here? No answer. Empty apartment but stable. Finally stable here.

Empty. Saw ex yesterday. Empty. Sad. I’m sorry. Hearts are fragile. Be more careful…

Went to a training at work today. Among strangers. We had to break out into groups and pick a leader. They picked me. I stand out. Always. Don’t always like it.

Here I am, God, doing something different. Circumstances on my mind. Why have I been in this emotional rut lately? I’m falling apart on the inside and I don’t even know why. The worst thing is, I don’t think there’s anyone who can help. You say I don’t need any help. I can help myself. I’ve heard that all my life. Strong, strong me. Sometimes a girl just wants a hero. Sometimes a girl just wants things to be easy. Sometimes a girl just wants to be there already, instead of continually striving. Meet the right guy for once, settle in for once, stop crying for once, dance again, do the work I thought You sent me to do.

-Then do it, You say.

Sigh… I gets no compassion here. I gets no pity, You say. I am strong. Deal with it. I am a leader. Deal with it. I am powerful. Deal with it. People will run. People will hate. People will not be ready to be with a girl like me. People will feel small and pick on whatever they can to make themselves feel better. And sometimes, on nights like this, you will be alone with your feelings and your thoughts, knowing that you don’t need a hero. Not tonight.

You need to deal with yourself. All of yourself. All of it. Your power. Say that word again. Power. Think that word again. Power power power power power. It’s a part of it. Do not reject the fact that you are powerful. It is a part of you.

Let us do something different tonight. Lets be all of ourselves. Instead of crying and whining and going to sleep, let’s be all the parts of ourselves that we have been rejecting. The strong part. The powerful part. The brave part. The woman that everyone always picks to lead everything. Let’s be her. Because she is you. And she can deal with these emotions.

She knows that these past three blogs are just a part of the story. She knows that she can get up and finish some of the projects that have been hanging over her head for some time. Tonight. She knows that she can tell these dudes no. She knows that there are other artists for her books and she can reach out to them and someone will say yes. She knows there is a producer who will love her movie and she knows that her life is not dependent on living in any particular place. She knows Me. The wise part of you. She knows Me.

I want to talk to her tonight and tell her to get up! Get up, now. This is not the time to sit down and cry. This is the time to act in spite of your tears, in spite of your confusion, in spite of the fact that you have no idea how anything you ever dreamed of will ever work out. This is the time to tap into your Power, Laydie, your whole self. You can still be the shy, sensitive sweetheart, but tonight, We are going to be the shy, sensitive, strong, wise, faithful, powerful, Queenly sweetheart who knows what she knows. And We are going to look at our circumstances and deal with them from the vantage point of who We really are.

We get to be our own hero tonight. It’s just a part of who we are…

Ameen

Day 261

Deal With Yourself. All of Yourself

(Deal With It. All of It.

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From → The Initiation

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