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Day 254 – The Boring Stuff

October 31, 2013

So,

I’m bored out of my mind. This is where the work comes in. When it’s not easy to be happy. When you have an itch in you longing for something and you’re not even sure about what you’re longing for, but you just know that it doesn’t look like what you’re experiencing right now.

I sprained my wrist and was having body pains and the doctor recommended muscle relaxers and a wrist brace. When I asked him if it was going to fix things, he said it would get me out of pain. Reactionary solution. It would get me out of pain, but it wouldn’t fix anything. It would heal. It wouldn’t bring me back into alignment. It would just stop me from hurting myself any further and numb out my body’s natural signals that tell me something isn’t quite right. This reactionary solution would cause my wrist to not move, which would eventually make it worse. It would make me addicted to pain killers, which would eventually inhibit me from knowing what was up with my body… The long term effects didn’t seem good.

As I’m sitting here in my boredom, I’m thinking about reactionary solutions. I could go and do a whole bunch of things to stop myself from being bored. Find a distraction. Some drama. It’s always there. I could take a painkiller. Sleep is my drug of choice. I don’t want to do that, though. I want to heal.

I would like to create an exciting life. That is the real solution. Just going through the motions won’t quite cut it for me anymore. And not a life that looks exciting to other people on the outside, always going going going doing doing doing. I life that is fulfilling to me. Because going to work, coming home, writing, sleeping, and doing it all over again the next day just isn’t cutting it anymore.

And running away somewhere doesn’t cut it either. And getting involved in some man drama so that I can feel alive doesn’t cut it either. This is a choice moment. I know. There are times when you are weak and you sit back and let yourself be taken care of. And there are times when you can do something.

But I’m learning about solutions. You can always do something. I can go out tonight and do the Halloween thing. That’s not the solution, though. That’s a reactionary solution. I am looking to feed my soul and that doesn’t quite cut it.

You have given me an empty canvass to paint my life upon and here I am not knowing what to do, God. Except to write it out until I figure it out. This is all that I know to do. I tried to read one of Your books today. It told about how I will go to Hell if I don’t be good and believe in You. So, I’m good. I believe in You. So now what? I am here. On Earth. Tonight. I am feeling antsy in my life, like I’m not quite alive. Like I’m missing passion and excitement. Like there isn’t much meaning in the actions I’m taking, just a long, never-ending “to-do” list.

I’m feeling bored. And this is a big deal. This is the feeling that people have before they go hang out with one of their exes. Before they do drugs or drink. Before they put their work aside to go do something bad for them that seems exciting. Before they skip states or commit to something that they don’t really care about. Before they take a new job that doesn’t them anywhere they want to go. Before they fall in love with someone they don’t like. It’s this boredom thing.

I am going to sit here, God, until you tell me what to do. I am going to stop being a whining crybaby for just one moment and sit here, in the fullness of all that I am, until you tell me what to do. This boredom is a small thing, but it’s such a big thing. It ruins lives.

What is the truth of this feeling? It is an indication that it’s time for action on my part. Resting time is over. It is time to paint on the canvass of my life. Fear time is over. It’s just over. It is. It’s time to get out of my room and come back to the world. In a big way. As myself. I feel it so strong. The boredom tells us things. It’s not time to run and retreat into our anesthetic of choice. It’s time to change. Yes. It’s time to show up in the world in a different kind of way.

Go back to the drawing board, your empty canvass. Remember the pictures you wanted to paint. Sit until the vision is clear. Sit until the vision is clear. Sit until the vision is clear. You are building a foundation now that will be the grounding point for the rest of your life. Sit until the vision is clear.

In my vision, I don’t see a place to move to, I don’t see a job or an activity. All I see is a partner. Sit, You tell me, Until the vision is clear. Create a space for him. Use this time while you have it. To prepare a space. Not being in reaction mode running around trying to figure out a way not to be bored, but seeing the wisdom in this time, this reprieve, this opportunity to clean up before he comes. Go ahead and be bored. Be calm. Be strong. Be wise. Be open. Wide enough to see the gift in everything…

Thank You, God. Ameen.

Day 254

The Boring Stuff

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