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Day 267 – Connections

November 24, 2013

Good morning,

I’m not going to write too long this morning as I want to make it to my spiritual center. I’m already late, but at least I’ll get there before they start talking if I hurry up.

Wanted to see Will…

I know. My date. From a material perspective, worst date ever. From a spiritual perspective, best date ever. I wrote my blog saying that all kinds of things could have happened to make this man late, and they did. Right as he was leaving his house to get me, he got a call. A tragedy in his family. Hospitals. People’s lives on the line. There was nothing he could do at the moment but all of his family was reaching out to him to save them… He resisted the desire to stay home and punch the wall and cry and came on the date with me anyway.

But he was really disturbed. Me? Of course I was disappointed. I was looking forward to Rico Sauve  in a limo, a fancy dinner somewhere, maybe some dancing, a romantic surprise (a girl can dream, can’t she?), but instead I got some pouty dude with family issues and a cafe with tomato soup. It was the same cafe I had had my writing meeting at a couple weeks ago. I wanted to leave. I was mad. I bought a new dress for this??? But then I thought of something.

He was sitting there, all distraught and stuff, trying to pay attention to me, but he couldn’t. I thought of all the times I was breaking down or going through something, or so busy in my mind that my hair was falling out, and I would date some dude, who claimed to really like me, but he wouldn’t help me. As I was breaking down, he would ask me if I wanted to go watch a movie. Or he would try to hit on me. None of his actions towards me would help solve the problem I was having, but yet these dudes would claim to care about me.

I looked at this man, trying so hard, and I decided that I wasn’t gonna be that person. That selfish person who can’t see beyond her wants. That one who is always trying to get something. I made a conscious decision that I was actually going to care for him in that moment. I’m embarrassed to say this, but it was the first time in my grown woman life that I had done that. I mean, I’ve done it before just naturally, but this was the first time that I had had that thought and cared about some dude, in spite of my wants on purpose.

He was on the phone talking to some family member about whatever, and I stopped rolling my eyes. I massaged the back of his neck and shoulders. It was all I could do to help. He stopped talking on the phone. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “Thank you”, he said. “For what?” I asked. He said he couldn’t explain it, but he had felt like a child shivering in the cold, and I had just put a blanket over him. It was a beautiful moment…

And I realized that I have been out of use. I have this deep, deep well of Love in me, it’s deeper than most, and it’s been out of use, just sitting here in my room in my own world. There are people who would want me to the massage them and love them, but then they fall in love and want all this other stuff that I don’t want to give, so I hold back from them because I end up feeling guilty and blah blah blah. But this guy, I was able to give just what I wanted to give and he was able to receive it without asking for anything else. It was a Lovely moment of synchronicity.

I stayed home all day yesterday trying to sort things out in my head. A veil is lifting, Allah. I am the observer and the participant. A veil is lifting. My life is not about being a fancy writer and starting whatever projects around the world and making a bunch of money. All of that will come. It is already coming. You have already ordained it. It’s not about fancy dinners and fun. That’s a part of it, too.

What moves me, though, is what lies beneath. The deep, deep, connections that we have with each other. The yummy sharing of a smile. It is so sweet. Leaning up against a friend while watching a TV show. Giving Love on purpose and being brave enough to receive. Letting go of everything that ever stopped you from living this way. It’s so beautiful, God. I am so thankful that I get to experience living this way, that I get to participate in my life on purpose.

Thank You so much. Thank You. Thank You. Thank You.


Day 267


From → The Initiation

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