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Day 273 – Relationships

December 7, 2013

Closure. Three people contacted me in the past couple of days, none of whom I have communicated with in the past six months or more…

A good friend who had gotten severely depressed and gone into seclusion reached out to me today. Seven months since last contact.

A guy a used to date that ended in conflict. One year since last contact.

And I don’t even know what to call this last person. An old friend? Someone who I had a very deep encounter with. Ended not quite right. Four years since last contact.

I will be seeing all of them this weekend.

My One? I saw his two days ago. We are fighting over nothing. Really we are fighting because neither of us are the people we both wanted each of us to be and we were both so hoping that we would be each other’s “one”.  He says he’s not fighting me, and he’s right. He’s not fighting. He’s avoiding. He’s not putting any energy towards me at all, or any other woman for that matter. Working so much that he has no time for anything else besides rest. Disengaging from any encounter that may make him feel vulnerable. I’ve seen it all before. He’ll grow out of it. He wants to grow, so he’ll grow out of it.

One day he will miss being connected to someone so much, because he lives for deep connections even though he’s in denial right now, and he will reach out to me, the last woman he connected with on a deep level. I will welcome him with open arms, but I think it will be too late. I would have already moved on. Perhaps when that one day comes, we will be able to be friends, like my almost friend who I haven’t seen in four years.

Should I write him a goodbye letter? No, You say. Let him be. You have done your part. Hmm… Relationships are so strange. They are my biggest challenge. Learning how to relate to others. I get so upset when things don’t turn out the way I thought they should, and that’s where I need to grow…

You meet someone and you think they should be your whatever. You’re best friend. Or your lover. Your husband. You think they are the perfect person to work on the perfect project with you. I mean, look at the way you get along together! Look at how well your ideas and ambitions match! Look at the balance! Look at the electric chemistry between you!

But then they don’t want what you want. I mean, yeah, you both crack up at each other’s jokes and you’re so natural around each other, but they don’t want to be your best friend. They’d rather hang out with those other girls and talk about fake stuff all day.

Or yeah, they have the perfect artistic style for your children’s book and they need money and they are looking for a way to express their creativity, but they don’t want to draw your pictures. Doesn’t matter how much you pay them. They would rather get a part-time job they hate that dominates all of their time.

Or (this is the best) yes, they are lonely, they are looking for a wife, they think of you every single day and print out your pictures from online and put them on their walls, they think the world of you, they talk about you to all of their friends, but if you dare come around, if you dare act like you like them, or God forbid Love them, they disappear. Start a fight. Tell you they are seeing someone. Hook up with some girl that they aren’t smitten by. And they continue on. Fake happy. Lonely still… They reach out in their loneliest moments, when the girl they don’t love is sleeping or something, and confess their deep feelings, and then they disappear again…

These are my past relationship patterns. I could blame all the people I’ve interacted with for all of their actions, or I could take responsibility for my life and see that the only common denominator in all of these experiences was me. And everyone doesn’t experience these things. do. I have. I am the one who has been unavailable for the fulfillment of my desires…

I am growing at an exponential pace right now. Issues that I have had all my life are coming to completion. I thank you, God, for everything. I thank you, Tommie, for encouraging me to write this blog. It has been instrumental in me changing my life.

So, now, let’s look at the last frontier. Relationships. The biggest part of the initiation. I have done a lot of work already. I have dug and dug and dug and issues have come to the surface. Past relations have showed up allowing for closure. Asking for closure. I am not afraid of much anymore.

I am seeing my past folly. I have had little faith. I had been reaching towards people. I mean, of course I’m reaching towards people, but I had made decisions for other people when they had never made those decisions on their own. For example. My children’s book. I had already decided that a certain person was going to draw the pics before he agreed to draw them, and then I had been reaching towards him and only him, trying to force things. It wasn’t mutual. He kind of was sort of interested in drawing the pics, but not really.

Instead of spending all that time reaching towards him, I could have just prayed that God send me an illustrator that I worked well with, someone who really wanted to draw these pictures and waited. I could have just waited and seen what God would do, instead of trying to force a person to be what I think they should be when I think they should be it. God has a way of bringing us so much more than we can bring through our own thinking…

My One? I will let him be. I Loved him and it’s OK. Yeah, I Loved him that quick  and  I don’t care what anyone has to say about it. My heart opened up to this guy, but I think I got it right this time. I recognized. I saw his actions. He was not reaching towards me. He was not showing me Love or consideration. He had not prepared a space and was not even trying to make a space once he met me. I gave the Love I was inspired to give and I managed to honor myself and not force things as well. I am growing after all…

My old almost friend just called. We are hanging out tomorrow. I asked him what we are going to do and he said to be prepared for anything. He said, “We can… talk, crack jokes, people watch, and climb stuff.” It’s exactly what I wished “My One” would have said to me but he never did… I don’t remember Almost Friend having such a soothing, happy voice. Wow. Either my ears have changed or his voice has changed. Probably both…

Wow. God, You’ve got some tricks up Your sleeve. I’m amazed at how stuff just shows up from nowhere right when you need it. You are continuously keeping me on track. I try to settle with some dude I know I don’t like and you present “My One” to me, reminding me of what I’m looking for. I encounter resistance to expressing and  receiving Love and you present a happy man that will help keep me alive! Even if it’s just for a day, it’s enough already.

Today is enough already, but I am open to more. I am willing to have positive, uplifting, reciprocal relationships. I am willing to learn every single lesson that I am to learn from past relationships. I am willing to stay and let Your will be done. And I am willing to go when it is time to go. I am willing to have closure, finally, and respect others for who they are. Harmony is the order of the day. Harmonious relationships. I release the need to control people. I release the need to demand that people treat me a certain way. I take responsibility for the way I treat myself and the way I treat others, and I place my heart in the hands of those who honor, respect and Love me. I honor, respect and Love myself and I am now a giver. All who cross my path are blessed because of it and I am blessed by their presence. And open and Let You do the work that You are doing to and through me. I open wider, wider, and wider still and I am safe in Your Arms…

Wisdom, Faith, Evolution and Growth are my friends. I walk with Guidance.

And so it is. Ameen.

Day 273


From → The Initiation

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