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Day 265 – The Other Half Of Desire (Fulfillment)

November 21, 2013

This is the best part of my life.

I am loving this initiation. It’s not the most exciting part. It’s not the first time I fell in love or the first time I traveled the world where everything was big and new. It’s not my first fancy job or coming to Hollywood and meeting famous people for the first time. There’s nothing brand new going on, but this is such a good time. Everything is new.

Why? Because I’m rebuilding. But this time I’m building from a solid foundation.

I work a nine to five for the County with a bunch of misfits. About twenty of us got hired at the same time and everyone has a story. About half of our stories are about loss and redemption. One lady’s grown-up son was murdered a year ago and she had a melt-down. Another girl was homeless and on welfare until she got that job. An older man had been a supervisor at the County years ago. He had left to start a business and his business went under. Then he came back. Another coworker was a doctor in his country, but couldn’t find a job when he came to America. Our County job is a breath of fresh air for all of us. A place to start rebuilding.

I feel so blessed to be working with these people. I’ve been telling some of my coworkers about my budding romance with My One. We’ll be going on our first date on Friday and I told my coworkers about it, and guess what? They’re going shopping with me during lunch tomorrow so I can get an outfit and some new shoes! I need new shoes. I gave all my shoes away when I went overseas earlier this year. I figured I could get some new shoes much quicker than the people I gave them to could get any.

And tomorrow I’m getting new shoes. Some good quality ones. And a new outfit. With good threading. I have supportive coworkers. It’s really nice to share my life with people. I didn’t know it could be this nice. Where have I been?

I think this is the best part of my life because I am aware of the things I’m experiencing. I know when I’m mad. I know when I’m happy. I know when I’m doing things to please others or when I’m doing it just for myself. It’s not just like some big puppeteer is pulling my strings all the time without me knowing. I know myself pretty well. Also, I’m actually present when I’m experiencing things. Like, at work, when I’m talking to one person, I’m not thinking about how nice it would be to talk to another person. I am where I am when I’m there and I’ve never been like that before.

I am really grateful to be experiencing this part of my life, God. I am grateful that I can be happy while a thing is happening, instead of waiting until it’s over to appreciate it. I’m grateful that I can share with so many people from so many places, and my sharing is authentic. I’m grateful to be comfortable and confident enough to be my authentic self, flaws and all. Oh, all of the cleansing tears that I have cried. I am so grateful for them, purging everything.

There is still more to be cleansed, but I’m grateful to know that it can be cleansed with my intention to cleanse it.

I’m grateful for my life. Thank you, Allah.

What I’ve learned is that tears will come. Confusion, fear, pain, all of those things are just part of a life. Even if you don’t personally experience them all the time, if you just look outside you will see all kinds of heartbreak every single day. But we live on. If we make it through the night and open our eyes, we live on. And we have a choice. As hard as it may be, we have a choice.

We can fight. We can fight for the Love in our hearts to shine through again. We can fight for clarity. We’re always fighting for all this other stuff. We can fight for peace of mind. We can fight for a clear conscience and we can fight to be free of our addictions. We can fight for the strength to get off the bed when the thought seems impossible.

We can fight for our lives.

Grace is everywhere. It really is. And we just have fight a little bit. Just a little bit. And slowly but surely, things change, inch by inch, day by day. If you work on a creative project for fifteen minutes a day, five days a week, eventually you will finish it. If you sweat for just five minutes a day, eventually you will lose five, ten, fifty plus pounds. And if you just get off the bed every day, eventually you will walk out of the door. Or you will walk to your computer and take an action that will change what happens the next day.

And God will help. God will speed things along…

You might find yourself having a moment like this. Remembering your life last year as if it was a past life. Another person. You will see someone who is doing the things that you used to do, and you will empathize with them, instead of judging them. “I used to sit in a corner and not talk to anyone and feel sad because I didn’t have any friends,” you will think. And then you will reach out to that shy person that sits in a corner because you will know them and you will know what they are going through. And you just might make a wonderful new friend because you know how to be a friend now. You know what that means…

This is how Grace works. There is a reaching. We are all reaching for something, even when we’re not reaching. We may be sitting at home trying not to do anything at all because we are afraid and we want safety. Even that is an exercise of the will. And wherever there’s a will, there’s a will. There’s another person, another situation, something out there that is reaching for you. It’s like when I sold my rusty old station wagon. It was me, reaching. Wanting to sell this thing. Seemed impossible. And somewhere out there, there was this young rapper dude reaching, too. Searching for a rusty old station wagon. We kept reaching until we found each other. He paid me more money than I had asked for and he spent less money than he had planned.

That is called Grace.

Keep reaching and don’t mess up your answered prayer by putting a limit on what you think it should look like. I never imagined some young Filipino rapper dude was gonna buy my car, but that’s what God sent me.

You know what I always think? You’re gonna keep living anyway. Life isn’t gonna stop because you hide out in a room and don’t go for what you want. You might as well keep reaching. The other part of the puzzle is somewhere in the world reaching out to you. Find it. Keep reaching until you find it…

Ameen.

Day 265

Keep Reaching. The Other Half Of Desire Is Fulfillment.

 

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From → The Initiation

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