Day 264 – What Lives In Must Come Out

I’m procrastinating.

Completion anxiety. Well, not really. Kind of procrastinating. About to finish a project that I was supposed to do almost three months ago and my emotions running wild.

Just got into a big text argument with the guy who was supposed to draw pics for my children’s book. The one who flaked on me. For the third time. I’ve known him for a long time. Over fourteen years. He’s a fantastic artist and he used to be a really good friend.

So, he flaked on my book and then acted like nothing happened. Started sending me text messages asking about the weather and yoga and stuff. I didn’t respond to them. Tonight, as I was procrastinating, I decided that I would respond and I told him off, calling him selfish and calling him a bad friend. He retorted by telling me off and essentially just defending all of his actions and telling me he wasn’t going to be my punching bag or kiss my feet.

We kept going back and forth until I started crying, and then I had to stop. Lol. I’m not that good of a fighter anymore.

I took a step back and looked at the situation. It was not about the children’s book at all. It was about our relationship dynamic. We hated each other. I realized that I could have given him all the money and time in the world to draw those pics and he still wouldn’t have done it. And if some miracle happened and some angel worked through his hands and he just happened to draw those pics for me, I still would have thrown daggers at him. Because we hated each other. We had both hurt each other so much in the past and we had never let it go. We were both holding so much resentment…

I decided to say sorry. I was sorry. I am sorry. I had probably hurt him in ways that I’m not even aware of. And it matters. It makes a difference. I don’t need him to draw my pics. I just needed to say sorry and be done with all this.

Somehow it became very real to me that we might not get forever to get things right. We may not get forever to say sorry or to tell someone about an offense and give them an opportunity to redeem themselves.

My heart is feeling revived. He may never let it go. He may never forgive me. It may be another lifetime before he says sorry to anyone about anything. It’s OK. I think I’ve done my part.

At the end of the day, all we can do is our part. The chips will fall as they may, and, God willing, sooner than later, we will meet someone who has the same MO as us.

I am grateful for this argument. I see what a bad friend I have been to my friend, holding on this project for so long without finishing it. I could have done it. I can do it tonight. It’s going to be challenging. It’s going to be a sacrifice. I’m going to have to face my completion anxiety and learn some skills and be up all night. I’m going to have to stretch a little more, but I know this is gonna be a good thing.

You know, we run away. We run away from discomfort. We run away from challenges or anything that might make us cry or actually have to talk to someone when we don’t agree with them. We are such small children, throwing tantrums and exiting the lives of those we love, making ourselves miserable and fighting instead of just caring about each other. Instead of being kind and trying to see another’s point of view.

We take and take and we give when it’s easy, when it pleases us, but ask us to walk in the cold night to make a sick friend some tea and not ask for anything in return. Ask us to finish a project for someone we love when the task is causing us anxiety. Ask us to just shut up for once, even when we’re mad, because we know that our words may cause irreparable unnecessary damage to someone we care about. Ask us to compromise, to give up something of little importance so that someone we cherish will feel cherished. Ask us to give up the need to always be right and we are not willing…

I think we got it wrong somewhere. With all this “Love yourself” and “don’t compromise” talk.  I think we missed the point. Loving yourself doesn’t mean sitting in a bubble pampering yourself while the whole world falls apart. Loving yourself inevitably means sharing love with another. It’s one of the deepest human needs.  And staying true to yourself (aka not compromising) doesn’t mean that you always do what you want to do when you want to do it all the time only when it feels good to you. It means taking the time to figure out who you are (that’s step one) and then living accordingly. So if you have decided that you are a loyal friend (whatever that means), but then you disappear whenever a friend shakes your emotions up a bit, you’re not being true to yourself. You’re being a coward.

We  ask for so many things that we are not willing to give. Love, Compassion, Kindness, Peace, Safety, Support.

We think that somehow we can trick the universe. No one will know the thoughts in our heads. No one will know about our lies and resentments. Our unforgiveness. Ha. No one will know when we hope someone else suffers because of what we feel they’ve done to us. It’s a lie. Even if no one ever knows, it’s all energy. I am starting to be able to see it, in myself and in others. It is the dark cloud of resentment that precedes a person before they enter a room. It is the red fire that walks with the angry gangster. It is the pale, peaceful blue that follows one who has cleaned his heart. It is the shifty eyes of one with so much confusion and pain…

We are foolish enough to  think that no one will know who we really are, but everyone knows, even the babies who can’t articulate it, but cry when they are held by certain people.

God, I would like you to find me clean. Not better than everyone, just clean. My real self now. My original self. I would like my aura to be clear blue, like water. Soft, like cotton candy. I will stay up late at night and cry my eyes out. It’s OK. I will fight whoever until I get to the root of all of the disharmony with all of the relationships I’ve ever had. It’s OK. It doesn’t always feel good, but it’s good medicine.

Lord, I am willing to be all of the things I’ve prayed for. A Giver, not just a Taker. A Lover. A Comforter. A Supporter. Not just when it’s easy. Not just for the people who seek those things. I am willing to be those things whenever it is good for me to be those things…

Teach me how to be in this world. Take over and mold me in the areas where I am weak, the blind spots that I can not see.

My One is on a whole ‘nother level and I’m trying to get ready before I see him this weekend. The least I can do is clean myself up and be ready. The least I can do is give my life a chance…

Day 264

What Lives In Must Come Out