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Day 269 – Patience

November 28, 2013

Good morning.

Rushing. Want to sit still before starting the day.

I dumped him.

He told me off.

It’s not over.

I don’t know if a grown man has ever told me off and made me shut my mouth, but he did. Said I was impatient. And spoiled. I could disagree and show all the ways I am patient and not spoiled, but the truth is, my behavior with him shows impatience and an unwillingness to compromise.

It’s because I felt vulnerable. And scared. What’s a girl to do? I am ridiculously patient and altruistic with babies and kids and people who I don’t think can hurt me, but when vulnerable, I become a different kind of bird. Guarded. Controlling. Suspicious. I start holding back on love and keeping tabs. Unforgiving… Yuck.

So, this man makes me have to be a grown up. It’s why I like him. One, because he bursts my whole heart open and two, because I have to be a fully grown powerful woman to be in his presence. I have to learn how to be trusting and powerful and stand up for myself yet be kind. I’ll have to learn how to be all aspects of myself, I mean actually be them, if I’m going to hang out with him. I’ll have to be peaceful with him even when I don’t feel like it. And humble. Yuck. I’ll have to take him as he is and not try to change him. Hmm…

I’ll have to trust God and actually learn to walk in the direction that I’m guided. I asked for this, didn’t I? Growth and stuff. I’m not advocating being with mean men or men that don’t treat you the way you want to be treated. I dumped him because he wasn’t calling me every morning like I want my man to do and taking me out on fancy dates and meeting me for lunch, etc. It’s how I want to be treated. I have a right to that.

What I didn’t see, though, is that he was growing me. He’s not a mean man or even a selfish man. He’s just a man with his own set of issues that he’s growing through. But he’s a strong man. And a powerful man. And a Godly man. And such a Loving man. And a kind man. And he’s even forgiving. He’s working on that part of himself, but he’ll get there because he wants to. He’s the best kind of man. I already know all that. Why do we doubt the things that we already know? I already know who he is… His presence was growing me into the kind of woman that I want to be. But I got scared. What if I do all this stuff for him, Love him like I want to, and he turns out to be a fuddy duddy? I didn’t have to dump him, though. I could have talked to him about my fears and we could have come to some agreements. He’s reasonable and awesome. I know he could do that. I know that it’s possible for me to be vulnerable and kind at the same time. I know I can be powerful and humble. It is not impossible for me to have a healthy, loving relationship with a man I adore. My One doesn’t even have to be my one. He can be whatever. I’d just like to grow past this thing I do. Now. Today. Be with me, God.

My sun is gone and now I am a just a flower waiting for the sunlight to come out again. First response says “go plant yourself somewhere else where the sun is shining”, but that’s the wrong answer. Stay still. Pull up your weeds. It’s just some clouds. The sun shines every day right where you are.

Be patient…

Day 269


From → The Initiation

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