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Day 272 – With Honor Of Self

December 4, 2013

Hello World,

How are you? Good evening. My brother is here talking to me right now. It’s good. Ignoring him for a bit so I can write blog. Talking to him was actually nice. I was just about to complain about him. Lol.

Life changes every day.

My One flaked on me for a date last night. I was sad. Really sad. Astonishingly sad. It’s the first time I’ve been really vulnerable to a guy in a long time. I mean, I was vulnerable with Mr. Almost Famous, but he never gave me any indication that he was ever going to be with me, so I never expected him to do the kind of stuff that guys do when they’re interested in you. But I really thought I might have something with My One. I thought he was The One…

He’s got so much going on in his life right now. There is no space for me. It’s not even personal. He hasn’t made the space for a woman. He’s busy with his problems. He can’t even see me. He won’t be the one to bring flowers or plan fancy dates. He’s not the one to cook dinner or go hiking. He doesn’t even understand this whole love thing. And I can’t make him. That’s the saddest part. I could tell him all of this, tell him what he needs to do if he really wants a relationship, cry my eyes out, do everything for him that he ever imagined, be the nicest person in the world to him, but it won’t change a single thing. If I’ve learned anything at all, it’s that you can’t change people. People will change and grow when they are ready, willing and wanting.

The best I can do is honor myself. Never really thought deeply about what that means. Side note: Today one of my sisters told me to stop putting all my business out in the streets. Not too long ago another sister told me to be more public about my blog. It’s relevant. People will always have an opinion about how you should live your life. I listen. I don’t assume that I know everything. I listen when people want to tell me something, because they may be telling me something I need to hear.

But at the end of the day, it’s just me living my life, not them. They don’t sleep in my head. And so it comes down to deciding what’s important for me. This guy, he’s perfect for me, or at least I think he is. But he doesn’t treat me the way I would like my man to treat me. He could change. We could talk and he could do things differently. But he would have to be willing and wanting to be my man for that to happen. And let’s just face it: He’s not. Maybe someday he will be, but not today. The reason doesn’t even matter. Maybe he doesn’t like my feet…

But when we talk about honoring oneself, we always think about the protective part. “Girl, you deserve better. You better dump him if he’s not acting right.” We are so mean to each other. We treat love and relationships as if they are just a game. As if people’s hearts aren’t at stake with every interaction. What about love? What about the loving part of me that’s begging to breathe? What about the part of me that wants to love him? That’s a part of myself, too. You understand?

I am trying to figure out how to be safe and follow my heart at the same time. I am trying to figure out how to honor my whole self. Because I Loved him already. I chose him already. And I really don’t want to do the whole rebound thing, go out and find a new boo. But I can’t cry every day anymore. I’ve made that decision as well.

I need to have peace of mind. Nothing else will do. Let’s step out of the situation and see what it is in truth… I would have to be the grown up with him. He is a child, more afraid than me, more resistant to good than me. A child King. We are the same, but we are not at the same place in our lives. I am ready, whereas he only wants to be ready. He hasn’t tested it out and seen what that means yet.

Look deeper, You say. See the action that must take place. How can we Honor ourselves here? Tell the Truth. Tell him everything. Without want or need. Without him having to be your man or give you anything. Give him the gift of Love that you have been dying to express. Honor yourself…

This is some Queen stuff. Learning how to Love when you have absolutely nothing to gain. Communicating your true feelings with no intent to manipulate or play games. Protecting your own Self in a world full of monsters and seeing monsters for what they really are. Staying open, expressing Love nonetheless. This is some grown-up stuff. Releasing the need to control everything and allowing life to flow with ease.

He plays games. Yes. He is a scared little boy trying to be a man. A King. Yes. He is your teacher and you are his. Yes. Trust. You…

he just texted me and asked to see me…

You can be safe and Loving. Lean on me. The object of attainment isn’t your “One”. It is the experience of Love. It is the ability to be intentional and compromising, to be brave even in the midst of your most vulnerable moment. Queen stuff. To learn to Hear My Voice in spite of all the other voices that the world will throw to you. Without proof that anything will ever work, to walk the path of Guidance, siratalmustaqueen, and see that I am real…


Day 272

With Honor Of Self

From → The Initiation

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