Good morning.
It’s a good day. My favorite kind of day. I’m off work. Got to spend hours praying, meditating, stretching and reading. I could literally spend all day praying, meditating and reading. Some of my favorite things to do.
I think I love meditating so much because I get to go on trips in my mind. There is this theory floating around in the world that says if you can imagine a thing, you can be it. I’m not sure how much of an advocate I am. I know that just because I may be able to imagine myself flying out of my window doesn’t mean that it can or will ever happen, but there are some things that I like to imagine that just don’t seem that impossible. Like Love. And Success. And Joy.
Today I spent time seeing what those things mean to me at this point in my life. And I am thankful to even have the time to sit down and think about those things, because everyone doesn’t get to sit down and go so deep. It’s easy to get caught up in the “to-do” list of life. Trust me, I know. And so I thank You, Creator, for allowing me a moment to connect and see what’s really next, not just how I can pay bills or stay afloat or stop from crying.
We are past that stage. Congratulations. We have finally been able to pay our bills. We have managed to go many months without feeling victimized or too depressed. Even when we cry it just doesn’t feel as permanent as it used to. Crying just feels like a bath these days, and sadness doesn’t have such a deep hold on our souls like it used to.
And so Laydie it is time to move on to other things. The Creation part. I know, we didn’t think we were fit for some time. Right? We thought we were too messed up and too sad and too everything and not worthy to actually sit there and speak a thing and think a thing and try to make it our lives. We thought that no guy would actually ever love us. I mean, at least no guy that we actually wanted to be with. We thought that our dream life was just some dream to keep us entertained, not something that was supposed to really be real.
And this morning, We, I, me and my Higher Self, are thinking other thoughts. Like the dreams aren’t just there to be dreamed. They are there to be realized. And we sat down and imagined what life would look like were the dreams my life. And the wonderful, wonderful thing is that it seemed possible. It didn’t seem like flying out of my window. My dreams seemed possible for me. I felt qualified to live the life I have only ever dared to imagine.
I think I have cried enough. I have suffered enough. I have paid my dues. I understand some things now. I am powerful. Yes, I said it. I am powerful. We all are, whether we acknowledge it or not. We all create our lives, whether we do so on purpose or not. Our lack of creation and intention leaves us to be victims of the creation and the path that we are born into. But we can change things.
We can.
It is the beautiful gift of free will. We can set an intention. A small intention like Love. Or Patience. Or we can decide to be giving and stop hoarding our gifts. We can allow vulnerability into our hearts. We can change things, you know…
Sometimes I write a post like this and I get anxiety because I feel so good and then when I walk out into the world I realize that I don’t know what the future holds. I don’t know how people will respond to me. I don’t know if I’ll ever find a man who Loves me just as much as I Love him. I don’t know if I’ll ever be successful. I don’t even know if I’ll live until tomorrow. And all of these theories about creation sound nice, but what if they aren’t true?
Then my other mind says, what if they are? What if they are? We are here now anyway. We are alive today anyway. Aren’t you tired of living a sad life? Aren’t you tired of just getting by? Aren’t you tired of not having outlets to share and express all the love and goodness in you? Aren’t you tired of being so alone? I mean, whether or not whatever theory is true, the truth is that sleeping in peace at night is important to me. Happiness is important to me.
I am no longer a reactionary being running away from my pain. Living a good life is important to me. So let’s start now. Creation time. We already saw the vision. Time to act.
Day 287
Creation Time
My world is changing and I am trying to stay still.
It’s been five months since I started my new job. It went by so quick. The first time in my entire life that I had worked with such a large group of people and liked so many of them so much. A bunch of misfits we were, all starting new after some hard times in our lives. We had a doctor, a forensic anthropologist, musicians, a chef, a fashion designer… We had former teachers and immigrants all looking for something stable. And we met at our good government job and had a good time rebuilding our lives together.
And now our good government job is changing. And our group is getting sent out to different locations. Torn apart. Today a large number of my work friends got reassigned. I am one of the last people remaining at our original location, but my friends aren’t there anymore…
The world around me is changing and I am trying to stay still… My sister is getting married and we became permanent employees at my job. People are approaching me for film work again. My heart is feeling things again. Yearning to love and be loved.
And I had just gotten used to stability. I had just gotten used to things being relatively the same every day. I saw my work boo at a general staff meeting earlier this week. He had been shipped off to another location about a month ago. I missed his kind eyes so much. We had had so much fun together with our talks and jokes.
What will I do now, God? The seasons are changing, and as much as I would like to sit still, I know that I can’t. This has been such a good few months, though. Easy. Very little drama relatively speaking. Enough food. Kind moments. A heater and hot water. Who ever would have thought that I would be grateful for a heater and hot water, but I am.
I know life is opening up to bigger things and this is the reason why people don’t change. My little life these past few months has been nice. I mean, little hiccups here and there, but nice overall.
I have had thoughts and experiences that I haven’t had in years. Hanging out with friends and stuff. Finishing projects. I even got back in the world and tried loving somebody. It didn’t work out, but it didn’t break me, and that’s a good thing because I can be so fragile sometimes.
And now You tell me on to the next, but I don’t know what the next is. Who will receive all this love in me? Who will give my heart a home at last? Where will I live? Where will I work? My job just made me permanent. Should I just stay here and work my way to the top? What about the international heal the world project? You actually have to be there, present, with the people overseas in order to effectively start a project…
I am Fräulein Maria in the Sound of Music, seeking the courage I lack. You tell me to write my heart out, and I am afraid. I know I will be successful, but I am afraid of all this potential change. Why? Because I’ve just gotten comfortable. I just figured out the colors for my apartment. I just put a new calendar up at my desk at work…
I am closing my eyes… God of small things and big things and everything, I come to you in this moment of fear. Not knowing who You are or who I am in Truth, I come to You. I come to You. I come to You. i am a child right now. Afraid. Wanting something to hold on to. Anything good. I have hurt too much and I don’t want to hurt anymore. I am here seeking Your Guidance…
Something my internet friend was saying to me the other day just came to mind. About walls. Letting them down. Seeing how I have had barriers to receiving Love. Oh, I’m so good at giving, but I block when it’s time to receive. I’m letting them down, Lord. I imagined Mr. Almost Famous just giving me something. He is one of the few men who I truly trust in this world, and I have even blocked so much of his Love…
Guide me into this new place. I do not trust my mind any more. Allow me to see with new eyes, with open eyes, past the clouds. Laying down armor and masks. Laying down swords. Laying down the need to always know.
Change is at my doorstep and I have been sitting inside where it is safe. You tell me that I am in a new world now and I can come out and play now. Take my hand, please. I am so powerless. “You are safe,” You tell me, but I don’t believe it. There are monsters and disappointments out there. “You are kind,” You tell me, but I do not believe that I am kind enough.
-All the things I’ve given you are yours to have and then some.
They are so much.
-Choose your life. The life you know is yours. More magical in fact than you have dreamed. Choose it now. The change is here. Delay no more. Choose Your self in all your splendour. In all your Love and beauty. Choose to give all your Gifts. Choose it now. OK? It is okay to change. A shield of light I give you. A shield of light as you walk into dark places. Be encouraged. You have learned much. You have grown much. Yes, many don’t, but you have. You have grown tremendously. So much so that you can be your true self in the world and the world will be better for it. And you will be better for it. You are ready now. Yes You. Come back now. Take your place. Your True place. Come back.
Day 286
Come Back To The World
What is it that I’m not giving to the world, I asked.
Your brilliance, she responded.
This is what my new best friend told me in my dream this morning. My new best friend. I have one. A female like me. My people. Good and weird and smart and beautiful and flawed. She prays. She’s not a hater. Her people are from the country right next door to my people’s country. I can’t tell you how ecstatic I am. I have a friend in the flesh. Here where I am. That I can go places with.
And I am thinking, how about I try being ecstatic about my day today? Just for the heck of it. Let us imagine that there is something good to be given and received in this day. We can do this, regardless of what we are feeling.
The sadness is almost all gone and all that is left is the residual effects. Who am I kidding? Creating little dramas here and there because I don’t know what to do. The sadness is gone already. We can do something different now. Let me indulge in this thing called happy.
What does happy look like in my life right now?
-Your life right now, You say.
I am happy, aren’t I?
My big brother irons his clothes in the other room. He looks at me with love, even though he can’t say it yet. My little sister finnicks around the house. She brings the spirit of action into my world. My family is here.
There is green juice in the fridge and a car parked in a garage that’s mine. There are three kinds of incense, stick, cone and rocks, on the dresser by my bed. I burn them when I want to smell good things. There is a bed with a bed sponge to help me sleep. A space heater for when it’s cold. Windows for when it’s warm. I walk to work in five minutes. I am greeted with love by my peers.
There are new men, kings and priests, in my world. They are humble and kind. They have been here for some time, but I am just now seeing them for who they are. Humble and kind. They speak words of comfort to me. They protect if they think I am in danger. They open their hearts and allow me give Love. And even their anger with me isn’t real.
My mother loves me and I Love her. We always have, but we are grown up enough now to not let our minds get in the way of the expression. We relate with our hearts.
I cry happy tears this morning. Overwhelmed with the goodness of my life as it is. I remember the lonely woman who sat in apartment many moons ago and started a blog to save her life. She had no friends she could call on. She had men who manipulated her in her life. There was no car, no garage, no job, no green juice and no comfy bed. Family was estranged and life was full of dreams that could never be caught. Meanness was everywhere. Brilliance was not an option for she was so caught up in her sadness she could see nothing else.
We have come a long way, Laydie. Our journey has led us all the way to the other side where the Source of everything good lives. It was there with us then, but we couldn’t see It. Slowly but surely we are coming to see that everything is always here. There are always roses, side by side with grief, to be found by the seeker.
And so today I don’t want to write or think about what I want to experience in the future. I want to acknowledge the roses that I have already found. I want to complete the cultivation of this beautiful garden that I have planted in sporadic pieces here and there. I want to acknowledge the Glory of God who has transformed my life without me even realizing it. I want to bear witness to the magical souls that I have found, my people, the angels that I call friends now.
I want to acknowledge that I am not the woman who started this blog, a closed up, dying caterpillar. Contrary to what Mr. Voodoo man said, I have become a butterfly. A baby butterfly, but nonetheless I am spreading my wings and speaking and thinking of things like Brilliance and the mutual exchange of Love, and giving gifts and happiness. I have witnessed the building of a beautiful garden that I now call my life, and I didn’t even build it all the way intentionally. I see my brothers and sisters, other people, struggling with whatever they are struggling with, and I can be kind. I can have compassion. True compassion. I can see myself in the people around who would send out hurt to the world and, like my book said, I am learning the beautiful balance between being open and yet not being affected.
I am learning myself and knowing what nourishes and what depletes. And I am understanding that the gift is not in the things that the world has for you. The world has for you. Everything we need. God is a good God, even if you don’t believe in Him. What is amazing, though, is finding these good things in yourself. Realizing that you can be kind. And you can be giving. And you can light up a life, even your own, in the way someone may have lighted up yours at one point in time.
The gift is in realizing that you have brilliance to give. Oh, and then giving it!
And You tell me that we are just getting started. And I am overwhelmed with gratitude. Because I only asked to stop crying every day and You have given me so much. And I am overwhelmed with gratitude. I am overwhelmed with gratitude. I am overwhelmed with gratitude. I have found my people. I have found my self at the bottom of all that would break. And a new kind of life is being born.
I accept. I allow. I activate. I let it be. I appreciate. I open my eyes. I give and give and give and give. And give. I Give. May this day be amazing… Ameen.
Day 285
Alhamdullilah (Praise Be To The Creator)
Good morning world,
Another good morning, preceded by a challenging night.
Perhaps these challenging nights have a purpose. They get me up early in the morning, praying, reading, meditating, writing, asking questions and getting answers. They smoke me out of the complacency that sets in so easily…
I am thankful, God, for this most recent lesson. In the book I’m reading, Oneness, they talk about life themes. Many of us have a general theme or issue that we are working out throughout our lives. Something about our experience that we are not quite satisfied with. I have a friend who always talks about how women are trying to use him for his money. Every woman he gets with, it’s the same story on different levels. They don’t show him any love, usually don’t even like his company, and try to get the most they can get from him. Another person is always isolated. She calls herself a loner with pride, even though she is one of the most communal people I have ever known. She talks about how her friends always betray her or try to harm her and so she would rather keep to himself.
I am sure that those two friends have been dealing with those issues for almost all of their lives. For me, there are a lot of themes, but most all of them reveal themselves when it comes to my relating to men. I am the abandoned one. The victim. The taken for granted one. The one who offers my heart on a platter to almost always have the platter smashed to the ground by the potential receiver. Most of the time it is because of my presentation. The offering was seasoned wrong or whatever. Inevitably, the people who have smashed my heart, betrayed me, or taken me for granted often resurface in my life after long periods of separation. We dance the dance again and again.
We blame, I blame, the actors for their participation in my pain. It is always their fault. Why do I keep meeting these kinds of people??? Inevitably I run away from one drama just to create the same drama with someone else… And this morning it really hit home for me that maybe it’s not about the other people at all. Maybe it’s me. You see, just as I never have the issue my friend has, where people trying to pimp me for my money, there are others who never have the kinds of issues I have. They live in the same city. Probably live right next door to me in my neighborhood…
This blog is about taking responsibility. Last night I had my last encounter with this whole abandoned, woe is me, victim *ish. A new guy I met, an open heart, asked me to send him a pic of me smiling. I was apprehensive about it, but finally sent him a video of me smiling and singing. We had been texting all day, but when he got the vid, he didn’t text me. So I waited… One hour, three hours, twelve hours later, after seeing that he had made a random FB pic, I texted him, asking him if he had received the vid. No response. So two hours after that, I texted him telling him I had made a fool of myself by sending him the vid. Six hours later (a day and a half after I had sent the original vid), he texted me back saying that my lack of patience made him not even be able to watch or enjoy the video.
And I sat there. Patterns. This has been happening to me this past month or so. Meeting people or people resurfacing in my life. Asking for my vulnerably and gifts. I give. They do not acknowledge receipt. I ask if the gift was received and they call me impatient. I get it. I can be more patient and I’m working on it. I really wanted to ask him about that text 30 minutes after I sent it, but I waited twelve hours, so I think that’s progress. But it’s deeper than patience.
There is a pattern here that needs to be released once and for all. It’s not about the guys. It’s in me. I am the one allowing myself to be vulnerable to jerks. I am the one not setting intentions before I engage with people. I am the one giving others power over my emotion. And we can go even deeper. I am the one who doesn’t believe that my gifts are valuable and worthy of being received in a good way. I am the one who believes in jumping through hoops for people who don’t show appreciation and ignoring the ones who cherish me.
These experiences have been my creation. It’s good to know. We are constantly trying to change the world and God is yelling at us, CHANGE THE THINGS WITHIN YOURSELF. Change your perceptions. Change your beliefs. Change the way you walk in the world. Love yourself by opening to those who intend a good experience for you. Intend a good experience for someone else. Pay attention to the open doors versus closed hearts and recognize when you need a shield and when you are safe.
Take action. Take action. Take action to test out all these theories that we have in our heads about ourselves. It takes practice to build a life from scratch.
Intending to be led by Love today. Love for myself and Love for others. Intending to allow the growth that is taking place to become my life. Taking responsibility for it all…
Day 284
The Part We Play
Good morning World,
Another good morning. A good waking up. Prayers and meditation before the sunrise.
Prayers really do make a difference. Emotions still all over the place. Physical therapy moving things around in my mind and body. Therapist said essentially that some of my nerves were knotted up. She gives me the simplest exercises to do and my head feels disoriented for hours afterward. I think it’s working, though, because each time I do the exercise, there is less and less pain.
Something occurred to me yesterday. About my big man quest. I have been chasing men for a long, long time. It sounds horrible to admit. My mother would say don’t put my business in the street like that. People will talk about me. It’s OK, though. Talk if you will. This is my therapy and truth and transparency is a necessary part.
For the past couple of years, I have been running towards men who didn’t really choose me. Even recently, with My Almost One. Right? I mean, Dream Lover kind of shattered me and I haven’t really had a boyfriend or anything since, but even the guys I’ve entertained since I got back in the dating world, and even Dream Lover and the guy before him who incited this blog. Yes, they said they chose me. Yes, they wanted to choose me, but they didn’t really. Not all the way. they just chose a part of me. The easy part. The sweet part. They refused to love my attitude or my brilliance. They refused to love my independence and ambition or my hot temper. And they ran far, far away when they discovered that I was not perfect.
I did my share of not choosing, too. But I did choose Dream Lover, and I did choose my Almost One…
Anyway, now as I am coming back to the world and trying to build good things, I am thinking about how important it is to be chosen. I am looking to see where there are open hearts and where the men are blocked and afraid and simply not willing to love me or even show care. I was a bit apprehensive about how I’m going to do this.
How am I going to have a life that is completely different than anything I’ve ever experienced? I’ve only ever had one good relationship with a guy who didn’t cheat on me, lie to me, abandon me, try and stop me from progress or make me like sh*t or like I wasn’t good enough. And that was a long time ago. And I messed that up. Other than him, though, I don’t even know what it’s like to have reciprocity. I don’t know what it’s like to feel loved and cherished by a grown up man who chooses me on purpose.
And life? I’ve never lived my dream life. I’ve never had my dream job. I have had moments of coming close to being around people who have my dream job, but you see, we don’t know what it’s like to have the things we dream of, and sometimes it can be daunting, not even knowing where to start.
I’m meeting men these days. I always meet men, but I’m open to meeting them these days. But I don’t know where to start. How do I choose a good one? My record shows that I haven’t really been good in this area thus far…
This is what today’s blog is about. Where to start. Where do we start when we are building a life that we know nothing about? I think we can start at the very beginning. Like a child. My nephew will hug you only if you are nice to him and give him love. Otherwise, he runs away and throws things at you.
I think that’s a good place to start. Looking for the open hearts. The open doors. The people and places who are wanting and welcoming someone like me, flaws and all, into their life. Can you believe that I almost forgot that there are people who would love, who would be honored to be associated with, affiliated with a woman like me? I almost forgot that I’m beautiful. So much rejection and pain. I almost forgot that I’m worth fighting for and putting up with. It’s hard to remember when most of the people in your circle only try to use you and put you down.
Today, as I walk out in the world, I start with the truth. I am worthy. I am worthy of the fulfillment of all my dreams come true. I am worthy. Even me. I scan my surroundings for the open hearts, the open doors. I let the closed doors close. I know, God, that you are leading me on a path to salvation. I know that this is my way to walk in the world. Leading with my heart. My big, open heart…
Day 283
With An Open Heart
Good morning World. This will be short as there is work in a bit. The open, expansive feeling that I felt in my heart when I awoke is leaving me. The feeling of bliss is dissipating. Thoughts of yesterday and tomorrow are creeping in.
Had a heartbreak moment last night. They are really becoming boring to me now. A small thing happened. A friend asked me to give him a ride to the store. When we got there, he asked me to come inside so he could buy me a late Christmas gift. A few minutes into shopping, he had bought so many other things for other people that I knew he wasn’t going to have any money left for my gift. I walked away. It was Target. I was walking through Target holding back tears that crept up from I don’t know where. It was so overwhelming. I’m really good at holding in my emotions in public, but these tears were about the get the best of me. I managed to hold them back and I was just going to buy myself a few toiletries and wait for him in the car.
Just as I finished checking out, I saw him walk up to the cashier. He was next line. He saw me waiting and yelled out, “Hey, do you want anything?” I was speechless. Do I want anything? You told me you were going to get me a gift and you are standing in the checkout line, ready to check out. No gift. You just happened to see me and now you’re asking do I want anything??? “Hear no evil, speak no evil,” I thought to myself as I repressed all of the horrible things I wanted to say to him.
On the way to the car, he excitedly told me about how he had bought a gift for his neighbor who just had a baby. And that’s when I flipped. “You’re an asshole! ” I said. My hands were trembling. “You’re an asshole.”
The anger in me was so strong. All the times he had put me last and disappointed and hurt me in so many ways just came fuming to the surface. No. I did not forgive him. No. I wasn’t going to be nice and listen to yet another of his excuses. He was an asshole. He had hurt my heart so many times. He had hurt me so many times and I was tired. By the time I got in the car my legs were trembling and I could barely drive. The tears won on the ride home and I bursted out sobbing uncontrollably as I was driving. He had never seen me cry before. When we parted ways, I didn’t want to hug him. I didn’t want to respond to his “I Love you.” I didn’t want to talk about it or tell him what he could do to make things right, as he was asking me to do. I just wanted to leave. And I did.
My heart hurt. But in the midst of my anguish, I felt something. You don’t understand. I felt something. My heart. I felt it. It had been a while since I had felt anything and even as I was crying, I was glad for this breaking open, this feeling. The sense of entitlement to love that had finally come to me. I deserved to be loved. Not just deserved, I was entitled to be loved. I deserved to have someone keep their word to me and be careful about what they say and the promises they make. I deserved to be special. This type of relationship dynamic that I had created with my friend just wouldn’t do anymore. It just wouldn’t. There was nothing to talk about. No instruction book for him.
He didn’t want to love me. He doesn’t even understand how to love someone who loves him by choice. It is an oxymoron in his mind. And I understand too well the push-pull dynamic that occurs when you are involved with someone who is not open to loving and being loved at the same time. The relationship will forever be one-sided. When he gives, you shut down and run away. When you give, he becomes an asshole.
It was enough now. It is enough now. I have finally had enough of the shit. Relationships are the strongest influencing factor in one’s life. The company we keep and our relations with them is so important. Not saying I’m better than my friend. Being an asshole is only a part of him and he has good parts, and I’ve been as asshole at times too, and can be rude and obnoxious and self-centered and many other things that I know people don’t like.
But on this path, there must come a time when we decide that we are going to build good things. The exchange of Love is so important to me. I am tired of being surrounded by hearts that are closed to Loving me and I am tired of trying to change and teach and make people behave in ways that they really don’t want to behave in. It is enough already.
Enough of the fake relationships coated with malice and ill-intention. Enough of the holding back. Enough of the meanness. There is enough of that in the world. Enough of those people who only wish you well if you are not doing better than them. Enough of those who only love you if you do what they say. Enough of those who take and take and never give a single thing unless they think there is a return. Enough.
Myself I transform first. Leading with my open heart, I give to those who give to me. I let the love flow two ways. I recognized where I am welcome and when there are walls. I Love where I am compelled to Love. I lay on the altar with my arms open wide and I allow You to bless me Lord. I allow You to bless me, Lord. I allow You to bless me. Transform my life. I will do the work. The Love and the Beauty and the Kindness… The Success and the Pure Goodness that is in me must come to pass. The life that is in my dreams must become more than a dream. The relationships that I envision are possible. They are possible and they are coming to pass even in this instance. Those that are in my inner circle must conform to Love or they must go. I will do the work.
Enough is enough already.
Day 282
Enough Is Enough
Good morning World,
I hope all is well. I am well in this New Year. Working today, but just wanted to take a moment to connect. I wonder who all reads this.
I hope life is getting better for you, whoever you are, and I hope you find a little more good in today than you did in yesterday.
People live with me now. I’ve been kind of disoriented for a few weeks now. Not too much progress on my creative projects. Energy really low. Come home from work and just sleep and sleep until the next day. Emotions all over the place dealing with different personalities. Coming back to the world is really something else when you’ve been alone for some time. All these different personalities and energies you come across. So many people doing things for so many different reasons. My mom tells me to be strong, and I remember a time in my life where being strong actually mattered to me, but it doesn’t any more. I am strong by default, but it doesn’t matter to me if people think I am strong or weak. Being at peace is now more important to me than being strong, and so if being at peace requires a show of strength, then I’m all for it.
At work, we have to work now. We have quotas, a number of cases that we have to process every day. The quota is much more than a person can do at an easy pace. In fact, the only way to complete it is if you are very, very rushed and stare at a computer non-stop for hours on end. People are stressed. People are competing with each other now to see who can do the most. It’s an ugly element brought into a formerly peaceful environment. It comes from the leader, who does not believe in peace. She believes in numbers…
I think priorities are on my mind this morning. The world is changing even though I want to stay still. My world is changing. My running buddy and best friend left town for good on New Year’s. I got a new roommate, my sis. My Almost One reappeared on New Years and seems to be trying his best to be nice to me. My favorite coworkers have been transferred to new work locations, so I don’t see them anymore. I have been trying to sit still, but I can’t do it, can I?
It’s time to move around. It’s time to apply for the real type of job that I want, so that when we start working at work, I’ll actually be excited instead of stressed. It’s time to ask for and be with the real type of man that I want, so I don’t have so much confusion in my emotional body. I’ve cleaned up my friendship life, and actually have a few friends here that I truly like, so that’s progress.
I have talked a lot.
I have written a lot.
I have prayed a lot.
I stand on the cusp of a different kind of life. The world will not stand still for me. And You say ask. Once and for all ask for what I really want. Survival times are over. We are out of the negative now, moving through the neutral and into the positive. Our hearts are fully in it now. We are not just going through some motions. It is time to ask and walk. We have found a place of peace within and we are able to carry it with us wherever we go. Have faith and confidence in all the work you have done. Ask for what You want. When will you understand that you can have it? When will you understand that it is for you? When will you realize that this life here doesn’t fit you anymore? There is more for you to do. There is more for you to be. Open heart, open more. Open more. Open more. Ask for what You want and then walk in the direction of your answered prayer. It is time for the doing. You can do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Survival time is over. You are taken care of. Let Us survive by doing your life’s work now. Let Us thrive by Loving and being Loved to the fullest now. No more half-stepping. It’s OK to be your full, true self.
Let your energy be restored by walking in alignment.
You have found the secret place of the Most High. From here, all asking is True. All walking is Straight. Ask for what you want and live your life now. Now. Now. Now…
Day 281
Ask For What You (Really) Want
“Those who have rejected me, who have hurt me, who have not recognized my true worth, I send my love to you with no conditions attached”- J.R. Price
That was my affirmation for yesterday, from The Success Book. Right on time. Why Love? Those who have hurt you? It’s the first question that comes to mind. Why love them? They don’t deserve it, my mind says. Why Love at all?
It’s the day of the eve of the New Year, when we think about our lives and all we have done. My sister arrives in town today and she and my biological brother will be living with me indefinitely. My brother-in-law spends his last day in town today. He has been my running buddy, my family and my friend, a very supportive soul. I will miss him.
Change, you will not let me be. But why would you, You say. Look at me. I need you in order to be the best of me.
So here we are, on the eve of something new. My sis and bro are anything but neutral energies and this is an opportunity for growth. Relationships are never just about one person. There are always two opportunities in every interaction. Now three. May we uplift each other, help each other, and bring the highest and the best good out of each other. May we help each grow and support each other during the sweet time that you have given us to be family again. Ameen.
This morning I’ve been thinking about open hearts. I’ve been crying a lot this month. Not so much the same kind of cry that I used to cry, though. Before, I would feel desperate and powerless and sad. I’m not either or those now. But it’s not quite like a happy cry either. It’s like a release cry. The kind that doesn’t make your eyes red, I have been letting go of so much. I’ve had so many attachments and I’ve been lucky, Allah. You have given me so many opportunities to have happy endings, even with people from long, long ago whom I had forgotten about. I am thankful. Thank You.
I made a real female friend this year. The first real female friend I’ve had since I’ve been in LA. She even goes to my spiritual center and we talk about metaphysical stuff and she’s smart and pretty and I can go just about anywhere with her. I am thankful. I got my first full-time job since I’ve been in this city this year. I met normal guys with health insurance and jobs and houses that they pay for and decorate on their own.
And I am standing on the outside of me seeing that my life has been far, far away from my potential. I have been scrambling on the bottom of the least of me. The least of me is a part of me, too, but my time as a survivor and a beggar and crier, my time as less than myself has come to an end. You have been lifting me up in stages, little by little. I had fallen so low.
The funny thing is, if you talk to a person who has been through a horrible ordeal, a former addict or someone who’s been in a dysfunctional relationship or depressed or seeped in poverty for a long time, we never know how we got so low. And you never quite realize how low you had gotten until you get up one day and step outside of yourself. And you see the cry baby woman with the messy room. The one with all kinds of degrees who people always call pretty and smart and all kinds of good things. That Laydie with such a big heart who won “Rookie Teacher of the Year” and you ask, “What is she doing with her life?”
It is good. You have a quite a story to tell. You always wanted to know about that thug life anyway. Now you know. It is hard. It hurts. And if you are lucky, it teaches you and grows you up. You are lucky, Laydie. You have always been lucky. Let your past teach you now. Let it grow you up for real, never to repeat it again. Let yourself know now for real what it is to have an open heart, what it is to know the Creator of all Creation, what it is to live with Purpose, to have everything you need to do all that you can do. Let yourself know what it is to be happy, for real in truth. What it is to have a clean, clean heart and a clean, clean life. What it is to be true to yourself and stand up. Oh, what it is to Love and be Loved at last!
Let yourself know the best of this life. You have seen the worst. Let yourself know the best now. Yes, it is as easy as it sounds. Yes it is as easy as it sounds. Yes. It is as easy as it sounds. Yes.. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes…
I have found my way to You at last. I have found my way home. From here, from this place where We can touch Truth, from this place where We see the little things for what they are, from this place where We can forgive those who have harmed us and even thank them for helping to activate our potential. From here, this place where our thoughts make sense and this place where we See the Truth of who we are. Oh, God, We see the Truth of who We Are! So much more than this! So much more than our conflicts.
We see the huge opportunity that is being presented on the day of the eve of this New Year. An opportunity to fully step into our own shoes, once and for all. To put our heart into it all the way. To shout down fear when it gets in the way. To express, to grow, to Love, to connect. And to come back home to Source. To look for open hearts and be able to recognize them.
I am Love today. I am in Love today. I am coming back home. Thank You, God. Ameen.
Day 280
The Way Home
Hi There,
Such a beautiful morning. I’m buzzing all over the place and brimming with the excitement of a new day. Feeling Nina Simone’s song “sleep in peace till day is done.” Do you know that last night I eliminated the last man standing?
I don’t know how or why it happens to me that every, I mean every single person that I have managed to have a dysfunctional relationship with, even people I have forgotten, show up in my life at some point, but that’s my life. Even My One (I’ll call him My Almost One now). I had totally forgotten that I met him about two years ago and we had an aborted relationship. We had an aborted relationship again two years later, but at least we were able to say what we really wanted to say to each other. And I can’t speak for him, but at the end of the day, in less than a month, he helped me to see things about myself that it had taken me years to realize and I am a better person because of my interaction with him…
So yesterday was particularly juicy. I haven’t watched Scandal in over two weeks because I’ve just had so much drama in my own life. Scandal would be too much. At work yesterday, a lot happened. We all got and gave gifts, but one of the most beautiful things that happened is that some of my coworkers sang Christmas carols. My supervisor did a solo, an opera solo in her native language. Armenian. It was so beautiful. Her pitch pierced our hearts. We couldn’t understand anything she was saying, but it made some of us cry. And I realized that she wasn’t evil. And she didn’t even hate me. She was a person with depth to her just like all of us. And she had gotten to share her beautiful talent with us on that day. I was so happy for her.
Then I went to physical therapy for the first time in my life. My therapist was really good and she was actually trying to figure out what was really wrong with me. She was excited. I have body pains here and there that seem to be interconnected. No one ever believes me because I seem healthy or doctors usually feel like it’s a trivial problem and tell me to take some muscle relaxers. But she made me do this exercise. And it threw my whole mind out of whack. I think I had a headache for four hours after. She showed me a picture of the nerves that connect to the spine and said that sometimes things get bunched up and there is blockage in certain clusters of nerves that cause pain and imbalance. She thought that my pains were coming from particular blockages and she was trying to get me to move stuff around so stuff could flow more easily. I Love her. She’s gonna help me. I am so thankful.
And then it got better. I reached out last night to three people. I was trying to clear the air. Four people actually. Men. There are actually six women I need to reach out to as well. I had been focusing on the men, though, because most of my friends/interactions are with men and they seem to affect me the most… So anyway, long story short. I texted this guy, we’ll call him Mr. Random. This random guy who I interact with on Facebook who somehow became a phone friend and who matters to me for whatever reason. I’ve never met him in person but he’s a family member of a real life friend of mine. I’ve been randomly in touch with him for years over the information superhighway. I’ve defriended him on Facebook at least twice and a few months ago told him off. (I know. I can be childish). So last night I reached out to him. We talked (via text of course). And there is peace in the air between us. I mean real peace. We may even make it to real life friendship one of these days.
And I reached out to my illustrator who flaked on me who I’ve been resenting for some time. I don’t know what happened or how it happened, but the air is clear between us. I mean, like it really is. I reached out to Mr. Voodoo man. He didn’t respond, but I said what I needed to say and it felt good. It feels good to know that you have said all you can say and done all you can do to try and make a relationship good. To honor what you think needs to be honored. I finally accept that people won’t always respond the way you want them to. They may not think that interacting with you is good for them, or they may think that interacting with you is too good for them and they are not ready for all that. And we just have to respect people’s right to do what they want with their lives and their time.
I reached out to Mr. Almost Famous. He didn’t respond, but he will one of these days. I’m glad to know that he will respond. If I tell him I’m in trouble he will be there always. I’m glad to know that. There is one awesome guy in this world who will always be there for me. It’s a really comforting thought…
And this morning I woke up with a smile on my face. Not sure how I will spend this lovely day off. I’m feeling like calling someone that I can run around like a kid with and smile really big with. I’m feeling like life today. Delicious, yummy, life. I might even shock my momma and tell her about this blog so she can finally get to know the grown up me and see how I think. Sometimes she’ll say things to me and I’ll be like, “Wow. She doesn’t know me at all. She’s never met anyone like me.”
God, Thank You. Thank You for this moment. I think one of the most powerful tools for transformation is realizing that the hard times don’t last. It’s kind of hard to realize that unless you’ve been through something, and you thought you weren’t gonna make it through, and then you get to the other side and realize that you’ve made it through. I think all of us have survived a challenging time or two. Whether we just got a splinter and we thought it was gonna hurt forever and then someone took it out, and the pain lingered, but now we can’t even remember it.
Life is like that. It hurts when it hurts. But the pain goes. And if you know that, then when you’re experiencing pain, in the midst of it, you can cope a little better. You can reach for some anesthetic or breathe deeply in the midst of pain. You can look for the silver lining even in the midst of disaster, because you know that if you live through this time, the pain can go. The pain will go. It does…
Day 279
The Pain Goes
Love…
Oooh we. It’s Christmas Eve day. The world is in a particular kind of mood. This is a particular kind of morning.
My heart just got hammered by some man fights. My One. Oooh we. Said some kind of mean things. I guess I said some kind of mean things, too. Except my mean things weren’t laced with mean intent. His were dipped in venom. Didn’t break my heart or crack it, but they touched my feelings and hurt them. Mr. Voodoo Man didn’t like the way I expressed myself about certain things, and told me I need to apologize and change my behavior or stay away from him. He said it wasn’t up for negotiation or discussion (he said it just like that), and since I didn’t know what to apologize for or how to change, I’m staying away.
I’m sitting here this morning thinking about clean things. Pure things. My high school prom date, whom I haven’t heard from in over ten years, found me on Facebook yesterday. He was vibrant with bright eyes, in tip top shape back then. Now he’s frumpy, beer belly, coffee smoke teeth, eyes faded. Life has been challenging for him, I can tell.
And this morning I’m thinking about clean things. Pure things. The end of fighting. The end of mean things. I know the world we live in. Trying to find clean, happy, people who are nice to each other is like going on a massive scavenger hunt. The one thing that I noticed about My One is that he had all these fancy ideas about how he thought people should be towards each other. He would point a lot of fingers and talk about mean people and unforgiving and unkind people. But he was the meanest of the mean and the most unforgiving of unforgiving… He didn’t even see it. I called him out on his hypocrisy and of course that’s when the man war, the war of words, began…
He won. I lost. I was OK with losing. I know his ego is too big to lose, and he would fight until one of us was damaged for good.
But I’m sitting here this morning, God, and I’m praying for clean stuff. Pure stuff. Good stuff. No more fighting. I think I’m good now. All these reminders. I see my jaded high school prom date, I see My One who asks for the good things that he doesn’t give, I see Mr. Voodoo Man, who runs from anything he can’t control and calls it principle, and I don’t want to be any of those people anymore. I have been all of them. I see it. I am here Allah, asking You to bring the good stuff out of me.
It’s not Your job, You say. It’s mine. Sometimes I wonder why I started life so far away from where I am now. Statistics say that I’m not supposed to be here, living like this, thinking like this. I have been through a lot. Enough to break a sensitive heart like mine for good.
And I’m sitting here realizing that my heart is not broken. I haven’t gone plumb crazy. I’m looking at my new bank card from my bank account that’s in my name. I go to physical therapy for my wrist today… The hardest part of my life is over… “I made it through the storm… and kept my point of view… and found my self surrounded by the others who’d been rained on, too, and made it through.”
I think I’ll start to build now. Glean the lessons that you’ve learned from all your pain. Allow yourself to become wise. Don’t let all that ugly go to waste. Allow yourself to become wise because of it. Shame the devil and let all that you’ve been through teach you Grace and Love for real. Become a Creator for real and be that Loving emissary that You have been looking for. Do not let your heart get bitter. Do not let the light leave your eyes.
Take care of your pure, pure heart. No need to make other people monsters. They aren’t. Maybe a part of them is, just like a part of you can be. But they have pure, pure hearts, too. At the root of it all.
Allah, this day, the day before Christmas, I allow the good in me to be the good from me. I allow no darkness to usurp my light, even the dark within me. I cast it out. Let it go where it is needed. I no longer need the scary things to protect me. No. I have a bigger Protector that I recognize now. I have gone through all of this unbroken and it’s a miracle that I still have the light in my eyes.
Now, knowing that I am protected. I can walk a little differently, like how I walk down the street when I know I have a man. It’s different. It is becoming blatantly obvious to me that there is no other life for me but a clean, pure life, but I also realize that I’m not the one to be like Dream Lover, sequestered from the world and only surrounded by light bringers. That’s good and fine, but that’s not my path. It is necessary to be around those who bring you up and remind you of the truth, but my work is in the world, amongst the damaged and broken. My Love is for those people, for I am one of them, reminding my own self of my own light in the midst of darkness.
Being happy is a life mission. I’m up to the challenge. I’m up for it and it doesn’t even have to be a challenge. Let’s do this part, God. We shall not be broken. No. We shall shine brighter. All that light in me. Who would have thunk it?
Day 278
The Light
