Good morning World,
Another good morning. A good waking up. Prayers and meditation before the sunrise.
Prayers really do make a difference. Emotions still all over the place. Physical therapy moving things around in my mind and body. Therapist said essentially that some of my nerves were knotted up. She gives me the simplest exercises to do and my head feels disoriented for hours afterward. I think it’s working, though, because each time I do the exercise, there is less and less pain.
Something occurred to me yesterday. About my big man quest. I have been chasing men for a long, long time. It sounds horrible to admit. My mother would say don’t put my business in the street like that. People will talk about me. It’s OK, though. Talk if you will. This is my therapy and truth and transparency is a necessary part.
For the past couple of years, I have been running towards men who didn’t really choose me. Even recently, with My Almost One. Right? I mean, Dream Lover kind of shattered me and I haven’t really had a boyfriend or anything since, but even the guys I’ve entertained since I got back in the dating world, and even Dream Lover and the guy before him who incited this blog. Yes, they said they chose me. Yes, they wanted to choose me, but they didn’t really. Not all the way. they just chose a part of me. The easy part. The sweet part. They refused to love my attitude or my brilliance. They refused to love my independence and ambition or my hot temper. And they ran far, far away when they discovered that I was not perfect.
I did my share of not choosing, too. But I did choose Dream Lover, and I did choose my Almost One…
Anyway, now as I am coming back to the world and trying to build good things, I am thinking about how important it is to be chosen. I am looking to see where there are open hearts and where the men are blocked and afraid and simply not willing to love me or even show care. I was a bit apprehensive about how I’m going to do this.
How am I going to have a life that is completely different than anything I’ve ever experienced? I’ve only ever had one good relationship with a guy who didn’t cheat on me, lie to me, abandon me, try and stop me from progress or make me like sh*t or like I wasn’t good enough. And that was a long time ago. And I messed that up. Other than him, though, I don’t even know what it’s like to have reciprocity. I don’t know what it’s like to feel loved and cherished by a grown up man who chooses me on purpose.
And life? I’ve never lived my dream life. I’ve never had my dream job. I have had moments of coming close to being around people who have my dream job, but you see, we don’t know what it’s like to have the things we dream of, and sometimes it can be daunting, not even knowing where to start.
I’m meeting men these days. I always meet men, but I’m open to meeting them these days. But I don’t know where to start. How do I choose a good one? My record shows that I haven’t really been good in this area thus far…
This is what today’s blog is about. Where to start. Where do we start when we are building a life that we know nothing about? I think we can start at the very beginning. Like a child. My nephew will hug you only if you are nice to him and give him love. Otherwise, he runs away and throws things at you.
I think that’s a good place to start. Looking for the open hearts. The open doors. The people and places who are wanting and welcoming someone like me, flaws and all, into their life. Can you believe that I almost forgot that there are people who would love, who would be honored to be associated with, affiliated with a woman like me? I almost forgot that I’m beautiful. So much rejection and pain. I almost forgot that I’m worth fighting for and putting up with. It’s hard to remember when most of the people in your circle only try to use you and put you down.
Today, as I walk out in the world, I start with the truth. I am worthy. I am worthy of the fulfillment of all my dreams come true. I am worthy. Even me. I scan my surroundings for the open hearts, the open doors. I let the closed doors close. I know, God, that you are leading me on a path to salvation. I know that this is my way to walk in the world. Leading with my heart. My big, open heart…
Day 283
With An Open Heart
Good morning World. This will be short as there is work in a bit. The open, expansive feeling that I felt in my heart when I awoke is leaving me. The feeling of bliss is dissipating. Thoughts of yesterday and tomorrow are creeping in.
Had a heartbreak moment last night. They are really becoming boring to me now. A small thing happened. A friend asked me to give him a ride to the store. When we got there, he asked me to come inside so he could buy me a late Christmas gift. A few minutes into shopping, he had bought so many other things for other people that I knew he wasn’t going to have any money left for my gift. I walked away. It was Target. I was walking through Target holding back tears that crept up from I don’t know where. It was so overwhelming. I’m really good at holding in my emotions in public, but these tears were about the get the best of me. I managed to hold them back and I was just going to buy myself a few toiletries and wait for him in the car.
Just as I finished checking out, I saw him walk up to the cashier. He was next line. He saw me waiting and yelled out, “Hey, do you want anything?” I was speechless. Do I want anything? You told me you were going to get me a gift and you are standing in the checkout line, ready to check out. No gift. You just happened to see me and now you’re asking do I want anything??? “Hear no evil, speak no evil,” I thought to myself as I repressed all of the horrible things I wanted to say to him.
On the way to the car, he excitedly told me about how he had bought a gift for his neighbor who just had a baby. And that’s when I flipped. “You’re an asshole! ” I said. My hands were trembling. “You’re an asshole.”
The anger in me was so strong. All the times he had put me last and disappointed and hurt me in so many ways just came fuming to the surface. No. I did not forgive him. No. I wasn’t going to be nice and listen to yet another of his excuses. He was an asshole. He had hurt my heart so many times. He had hurt me so many times and I was tired. By the time I got in the car my legs were trembling and I could barely drive. The tears won on the ride home and I bursted out sobbing uncontrollably as I was driving. He had never seen me cry before. When we parted ways, I didn’t want to hug him. I didn’t want to respond to his “I Love you.” I didn’t want to talk about it or tell him what he could do to make things right, as he was asking me to do. I just wanted to leave. And I did.
My heart hurt. But in the midst of my anguish, I felt something. You don’t understand. I felt something. My heart. I felt it. It had been a while since I had felt anything and even as I was crying, I was glad for this breaking open, this feeling. The sense of entitlement to love that had finally come to me. I deserved to be loved. Not just deserved, I was entitled to be loved. I deserved to have someone keep their word to me and be careful about what they say and the promises they make. I deserved to be special. This type of relationship dynamic that I had created with my friend just wouldn’t do anymore. It just wouldn’t. There was nothing to talk about. No instruction book for him.
He didn’t want to love me. He doesn’t even understand how to love someone who loves him by choice. It is an oxymoron in his mind. And I understand too well the push-pull dynamic that occurs when you are involved with someone who is not open to loving and being loved at the same time. The relationship will forever be one-sided. When he gives, you shut down and run away. When you give, he becomes an asshole.
It was enough now. It is enough now. I have finally had enough of the shit. Relationships are the strongest influencing factor in one’s life. The company we keep and our relations with them is so important. Not saying I’m better than my friend. Being an asshole is only a part of him and he has good parts, and I’ve been as asshole at times too, and can be rude and obnoxious and self-centered and many other things that I know people don’t like.
But on this path, there must come a time when we decide that we are going to build good things. The exchange of Love is so important to me. I am tired of being surrounded by hearts that are closed to Loving me and I am tired of trying to change and teach and make people behave in ways that they really don’t want to behave in. It is enough already.
Enough of the fake relationships coated with malice and ill-intention. Enough of the holding back. Enough of the meanness. There is enough of that in the world. Enough of those people who only wish you well if you are not doing better than them. Enough of those who only love you if you do what they say. Enough of those who take and take and never give a single thing unless they think there is a return. Enough.
Myself I transform first. Leading with my open heart, I give to those who give to me. I let the love flow two ways. I recognized where I am welcome and when there are walls. I Love where I am compelled to Love. I lay on the altar with my arms open wide and I allow You to bless me Lord. I allow You to bless me, Lord. I allow You to bless me. Transform my life. I will do the work. The Love and the Beauty and the Kindness… The Success and the Pure Goodness that is in me must come to pass. The life that is in my dreams must become more than a dream. The relationships that I envision are possible. They are possible and they are coming to pass even in this instance. Those that are in my inner circle must conform to Love or they must go. I will do the work.
Enough is enough already.
Day 282
Enough Is Enough
Good morning World,
I hope all is well. I am well in this New Year. Working today, but just wanted to take a moment to connect. I wonder who all reads this.
I hope life is getting better for you, whoever you are, and I hope you find a little more good in today than you did in yesterday.
People live with me now. I’ve been kind of disoriented for a few weeks now. Not too much progress on my creative projects. Energy really low. Come home from work and just sleep and sleep until the next day. Emotions all over the place dealing with different personalities. Coming back to the world is really something else when you’ve been alone for some time. All these different personalities and energies you come across. So many people doing things for so many different reasons. My mom tells me to be strong, and I remember a time in my life where being strong actually mattered to me, but it doesn’t any more. I am strong by default, but it doesn’t matter to me if people think I am strong or weak. Being at peace is now more important to me than being strong, and so if being at peace requires a show of strength, then I’m all for it.
At work, we have to work now. We have quotas, a number of cases that we have to process every day. The quota is much more than a person can do at an easy pace. In fact, the only way to complete it is if you are very, very rushed and stare at a computer non-stop for hours on end. People are stressed. People are competing with each other now to see who can do the most. It’s an ugly element brought into a formerly peaceful environment. It comes from the leader, who does not believe in peace. She believes in numbers…
I think priorities are on my mind this morning. The world is changing even though I want to stay still. My world is changing. My running buddy and best friend left town for good on New Year’s. I got a new roommate, my sis. My Almost One reappeared on New Years and seems to be trying his best to be nice to me. My favorite coworkers have been transferred to new work locations, so I don’t see them anymore. I have been trying to sit still, but I can’t do it, can I?
It’s time to move around. It’s time to apply for the real type of job that I want, so that when we start working at work, I’ll actually be excited instead of stressed. It’s time to ask for and be with the real type of man that I want, so I don’t have so much confusion in my emotional body. I’ve cleaned up my friendship life, and actually have a few friends here that I truly like, so that’s progress.
I have talked a lot.
I have written a lot.
I have prayed a lot.
I stand on the cusp of a different kind of life. The world will not stand still for me. And You say ask. Once and for all ask for what I really want. Survival times are over. We are out of the negative now, moving through the neutral and into the positive. Our hearts are fully in it now. We are not just going through some motions. It is time to ask and walk. We have found a place of peace within and we are able to carry it with us wherever we go. Have faith and confidence in all the work you have done. Ask for what You want. When will you understand that you can have it? When will you understand that it is for you? When will you realize that this life here doesn’t fit you anymore? There is more for you to do. There is more for you to be. Open heart, open more. Open more. Open more. Ask for what You want and then walk in the direction of your answered prayer. It is time for the doing. You can do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Survival time is over. You are taken care of. Let Us survive by doing your life’s work now. Let Us thrive by Loving and being Loved to the fullest now. No more half-stepping. It’s OK to be your full, true self.
Let your energy be restored by walking in alignment.
You have found the secret place of the Most High. From here, all asking is True. All walking is Straight. Ask for what you want and live your life now. Now. Now. Now…
Day 281
Ask For What You (Really) Want
“Those who have rejected me, who have hurt me, who have not recognized my true worth, I send my love to you with no conditions attached”- J.R. Price
That was my affirmation for yesterday, from The Success Book. Right on time. Why Love? Those who have hurt you? It’s the first question that comes to mind. Why love them? They don’t deserve it, my mind says. Why Love at all?
It’s the day of the eve of the New Year, when we think about our lives and all we have done. My sister arrives in town today and she and my biological brother will be living with me indefinitely. My brother-in-law spends his last day in town today. He has been my running buddy, my family and my friend, a very supportive soul. I will miss him.
Change, you will not let me be. But why would you, You say. Look at me. I need you in order to be the best of me.
So here we are, on the eve of something new. My sis and bro are anything but neutral energies and this is an opportunity for growth. Relationships are never just about one person. There are always two opportunities in every interaction. Now three. May we uplift each other, help each other, and bring the highest and the best good out of each other. May we help each grow and support each other during the sweet time that you have given us to be family again. Ameen.
This morning I’ve been thinking about open hearts. I’ve been crying a lot this month. Not so much the same kind of cry that I used to cry, though. Before, I would feel desperate and powerless and sad. I’m not either or those now. But it’s not quite like a happy cry either. It’s like a release cry. The kind that doesn’t make your eyes red, I have been letting go of so much. I’ve had so many attachments and I’ve been lucky, Allah. You have given me so many opportunities to have happy endings, even with people from long, long ago whom I had forgotten about. I am thankful. Thank You.
I made a real female friend this year. The first real female friend I’ve had since I’ve been in LA. She even goes to my spiritual center and we talk about metaphysical stuff and she’s smart and pretty and I can go just about anywhere with her. I am thankful. I got my first full-time job since I’ve been in this city this year. I met normal guys with health insurance and jobs and houses that they pay for and decorate on their own.
And I am standing on the outside of me seeing that my life has been far, far away from my potential. I have been scrambling on the bottom of the least of me. The least of me is a part of me, too, but my time as a survivor and a beggar and crier, my time as less than myself has come to an end. You have been lifting me up in stages, little by little. I had fallen so low.
The funny thing is, if you talk to a person who has been through a horrible ordeal, a former addict or someone who’s been in a dysfunctional relationship or depressed or seeped in poverty for a long time, we never know how we got so low. And you never quite realize how low you had gotten until you get up one day and step outside of yourself. And you see the cry baby woman with the messy room. The one with all kinds of degrees who people always call pretty and smart and all kinds of good things. That Laydie with such a big heart who won “Rookie Teacher of the Year” and you ask, “What is she doing with her life?”
It is good. You have a quite a story to tell. You always wanted to know about that thug life anyway. Now you know. It is hard. It hurts. And if you are lucky, it teaches you and grows you up. You are lucky, Laydie. You have always been lucky. Let your past teach you now. Let it grow you up for real, never to repeat it again. Let yourself know now for real what it is to have an open heart, what it is to know the Creator of all Creation, what it is to live with Purpose, to have everything you need to do all that you can do. Let yourself know what it is to be happy, for real in truth. What it is to have a clean, clean heart and a clean, clean life. What it is to be true to yourself and stand up. Oh, what it is to Love and be Loved at last!
Let yourself know the best of this life. You have seen the worst. Let yourself know the best now. Yes, it is as easy as it sounds. Yes it is as easy as it sounds. Yes. It is as easy as it sounds. Yes.. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes…
I have found my way to You at last. I have found my way home. From here, from this place where We can touch Truth, from this place where We see the little things for what they are, from this place where We can forgive those who have harmed us and even thank them for helping to activate our potential. From here, this place where our thoughts make sense and this place where we See the Truth of who we are. Oh, God, We see the Truth of who We Are! So much more than this! So much more than our conflicts.
We see the huge opportunity that is being presented on the day of the eve of this New Year. An opportunity to fully step into our own shoes, once and for all. To put our heart into it all the way. To shout down fear when it gets in the way. To express, to grow, to Love, to connect. And to come back home to Source. To look for open hearts and be able to recognize them.
I am Love today. I am in Love today. I am coming back home. Thank You, God. Ameen.
Day 280
The Way Home
Hi There,
Such a beautiful morning. I’m buzzing all over the place and brimming with the excitement of a new day. Feeling Nina Simone’s song “sleep in peace till day is done.” Do you know that last night I eliminated the last man standing?
I don’t know how or why it happens to me that every, I mean every single person that I have managed to have a dysfunctional relationship with, even people I have forgotten, show up in my life at some point, but that’s my life. Even My One (I’ll call him My Almost One now). I had totally forgotten that I met him about two years ago and we had an aborted relationship. We had an aborted relationship again two years later, but at least we were able to say what we really wanted to say to each other. And I can’t speak for him, but at the end of the day, in less than a month, he helped me to see things about myself that it had taken me years to realize and I am a better person because of my interaction with him…
So yesterday was particularly juicy. I haven’t watched Scandal in over two weeks because I’ve just had so much drama in my own life. Scandal would be too much. At work yesterday, a lot happened. We all got and gave gifts, but one of the most beautiful things that happened is that some of my coworkers sang Christmas carols. My supervisor did a solo, an opera solo in her native language. Armenian. It was so beautiful. Her pitch pierced our hearts. We couldn’t understand anything she was saying, but it made some of us cry. And I realized that she wasn’t evil. And she didn’t even hate me. She was a person with depth to her just like all of us. And she had gotten to share her beautiful talent with us on that day. I was so happy for her.
Then I went to physical therapy for the first time in my life. My therapist was really good and she was actually trying to figure out what was really wrong with me. She was excited. I have body pains here and there that seem to be interconnected. No one ever believes me because I seem healthy or doctors usually feel like it’s a trivial problem and tell me to take some muscle relaxers. But she made me do this exercise. And it threw my whole mind out of whack. I think I had a headache for four hours after. She showed me a picture of the nerves that connect to the spine and said that sometimes things get bunched up and there is blockage in certain clusters of nerves that cause pain and imbalance. She thought that my pains were coming from particular blockages and she was trying to get me to move stuff around so stuff could flow more easily. I Love her. She’s gonna help me. I am so thankful.
And then it got better. I reached out last night to three people. I was trying to clear the air. Four people actually. Men. There are actually six women I need to reach out to as well. I had been focusing on the men, though, because most of my friends/interactions are with men and they seem to affect me the most… So anyway, long story short. I texted this guy, we’ll call him Mr. Random. This random guy who I interact with on Facebook who somehow became a phone friend and who matters to me for whatever reason. I’ve never met him in person but he’s a family member of a real life friend of mine. I’ve been randomly in touch with him for years over the information superhighway. I’ve defriended him on Facebook at least twice and a few months ago told him off. (I know. I can be childish). So last night I reached out to him. We talked (via text of course). And there is peace in the air between us. I mean real peace. We may even make it to real life friendship one of these days.
And I reached out to my illustrator who flaked on me who I’ve been resenting for some time. I don’t know what happened or how it happened, but the air is clear between us. I mean, like it really is. I reached out to Mr. Voodoo man. He didn’t respond, but I said what I needed to say and it felt good. It feels good to know that you have said all you can say and done all you can do to try and make a relationship good. To honor what you think needs to be honored. I finally accept that people won’t always respond the way you want them to. They may not think that interacting with you is good for them, or they may think that interacting with you is too good for them and they are not ready for all that. And we just have to respect people’s right to do what they want with their lives and their time.
I reached out to Mr. Almost Famous. He didn’t respond, but he will one of these days. I’m glad to know that he will respond. If I tell him I’m in trouble he will be there always. I’m glad to know that. There is one awesome guy in this world who will always be there for me. It’s a really comforting thought…
And this morning I woke up with a smile on my face. Not sure how I will spend this lovely day off. I’m feeling like calling someone that I can run around like a kid with and smile really big with. I’m feeling like life today. Delicious, yummy, life. I might even shock my momma and tell her about this blog so she can finally get to know the grown up me and see how I think. Sometimes she’ll say things to me and I’ll be like, “Wow. She doesn’t know me at all. She’s never met anyone like me.”
God, Thank You. Thank You for this moment. I think one of the most powerful tools for transformation is realizing that the hard times don’t last. It’s kind of hard to realize that unless you’ve been through something, and you thought you weren’t gonna make it through, and then you get to the other side and realize that you’ve made it through. I think all of us have survived a challenging time or two. Whether we just got a splinter and we thought it was gonna hurt forever and then someone took it out, and the pain lingered, but now we can’t even remember it.
Life is like that. It hurts when it hurts. But the pain goes. And if you know that, then when you’re experiencing pain, in the midst of it, you can cope a little better. You can reach for some anesthetic or breathe deeply in the midst of pain. You can look for the silver lining even in the midst of disaster, because you know that if you live through this time, the pain can go. The pain will go. It does…
Day 279
The Pain Goes
Love…
Oooh we. It’s Christmas Eve day. The world is in a particular kind of mood. This is a particular kind of morning.
My heart just got hammered by some man fights. My One. Oooh we. Said some kind of mean things. I guess I said some kind of mean things, too. Except my mean things weren’t laced with mean intent. His were dipped in venom. Didn’t break my heart or crack it, but they touched my feelings and hurt them. Mr. Voodoo Man didn’t like the way I expressed myself about certain things, and told me I need to apologize and change my behavior or stay away from him. He said it wasn’t up for negotiation or discussion (he said it just like that), and since I didn’t know what to apologize for or how to change, I’m staying away.
I’m sitting here this morning thinking about clean things. Pure things. My high school prom date, whom I haven’t heard from in over ten years, found me on Facebook yesterday. He was vibrant with bright eyes, in tip top shape back then. Now he’s frumpy, beer belly, coffee smoke teeth, eyes faded. Life has been challenging for him, I can tell.
And this morning I’m thinking about clean things. Pure things. The end of fighting. The end of mean things. I know the world we live in. Trying to find clean, happy, people who are nice to each other is like going on a massive scavenger hunt. The one thing that I noticed about My One is that he had all these fancy ideas about how he thought people should be towards each other. He would point a lot of fingers and talk about mean people and unforgiving and unkind people. But he was the meanest of the mean and the most unforgiving of unforgiving… He didn’t even see it. I called him out on his hypocrisy and of course that’s when the man war, the war of words, began…
He won. I lost. I was OK with losing. I know his ego is too big to lose, and he would fight until one of us was damaged for good.
But I’m sitting here this morning, God, and I’m praying for clean stuff. Pure stuff. Good stuff. No more fighting. I think I’m good now. All these reminders. I see my jaded high school prom date, I see My One who asks for the good things that he doesn’t give, I see Mr. Voodoo Man, who runs from anything he can’t control and calls it principle, and I don’t want to be any of those people anymore. I have been all of them. I see it. I am here Allah, asking You to bring the good stuff out of me.
It’s not Your job, You say. It’s mine. Sometimes I wonder why I started life so far away from where I am now. Statistics say that I’m not supposed to be here, living like this, thinking like this. I have been through a lot. Enough to break a sensitive heart like mine for good.
And I’m sitting here realizing that my heart is not broken. I haven’t gone plumb crazy. I’m looking at my new bank card from my bank account that’s in my name. I go to physical therapy for my wrist today… The hardest part of my life is over… “I made it through the storm… and kept my point of view… and found my self surrounded by the others who’d been rained on, too, and made it through.”
I think I’ll start to build now. Glean the lessons that you’ve learned from all your pain. Allow yourself to become wise. Don’t let all that ugly go to waste. Allow yourself to become wise because of it. Shame the devil and let all that you’ve been through teach you Grace and Love for real. Become a Creator for real and be that Loving emissary that You have been looking for. Do not let your heart get bitter. Do not let the light leave your eyes.
Take care of your pure, pure heart. No need to make other people monsters. They aren’t. Maybe a part of them is, just like a part of you can be. But they have pure, pure hearts, too. At the root of it all.
Allah, this day, the day before Christmas, I allow the good in me to be the good from me. I allow no darkness to usurp my light, even the dark within me. I cast it out. Let it go where it is needed. I no longer need the scary things to protect me. No. I have a bigger Protector that I recognize now. I have gone through all of this unbroken and it’s a miracle that I still have the light in my eyes.
Now, knowing that I am protected. I can walk a little differently, like how I walk down the street when I know I have a man. It’s different. It is becoming blatantly obvious to me that there is no other life for me but a clean, pure life, but I also realize that I’m not the one to be like Dream Lover, sequestered from the world and only surrounded by light bringers. That’s good and fine, but that’s not my path. It is necessary to be around those who bring you up and remind you of the truth, but my work is in the world, amongst the damaged and broken. My Love is for those people, for I am one of them, reminding my own self of my own light in the midst of darkness.
Being happy is a life mission. I’m up to the challenge. I’m up for it and it doesn’t even have to be a challenge. Let’s do this part, God. We shall not be broken. No. We shall shine brighter. All that light in me. Who would have thunk it?
Day 278
The Light
Good morning World!
I just wrote a whole blog, took a nap, sent some emails, and now I’m starting over again. It’s 8:10. Headed out early today to take care of grown-up stuff, like finally getting a bank account in my name again, taking care of DMV stuff, etc.
My One reappeared. I got offered another job in another department of the job I work for. It was a permanent job versus the temp-to-perm job that I have now. I didn’t accept it because God said no. A few hours later I found out that the job where I am is going to become permanent.
Life is pretty interesting. My energy is back. I’m excited and grateful about nothing in particular. I’m alive. This part is called the initiation. Sometimes it lasts a while. It’s the part after training. The part after college. The part after you have sat in a room for a while and read some books or gone through some ordeal and you are ready to face the world again.
Life is like stories. There is a universal process of birth and death always happening. Beginning, middle, end. They all happen simultaneously all the time, but it’s cool when you’re aware of them. I am at the end of a certain way of life. The end of that poverty, disempowered, “woe is me”, run-away, scared, head low, confused, I’m not good enough, dysfunctional relationship, sad part. I am at the beginning of everything I’ve never known: stability, self-Love, order, fulfilling relationships based on a foundation of true Love, success, financial freedom, partnership and friendship, actually living from a sense of connectivity and purpose, showing up in the world as my true true self… And I’m in the middle of stuff that I’ve been working on for some time: learning how to get along with men (and women), figuring out how to be open yet safe, and understanding control and power.
It’s still the initiation because I am birthing the beginning of a different kind of life. And when that other life becomes my experience, I will be on the other side. I’d like to take a moment to think about this “other” life that seems so far in the distance. I get scared to think about it because it’s so big. No one I know has ever lived this kind of life, this kind of happy that I imagine. In the back of my mind, a voice whispers “how dare you”.
How dare you think you can be and have and do all these things? Who do you think you are? Don’t you know where you come from? Don’t you know your place? No. You are supposed to be sad all the time, remember? People won’t like you if you have too much, trying to be happy and ish. You’re supposed to be arguing with your brother, remember? How dare you think you can get along with him? Oh, you think you’re special? How dare you think you can have a husband, like a real husband, and he care for you and take care of you and stuff and you actually like and respect him? You? Do you see any of your friends doing this stuff? No. You are supposed to just sit back and talk about how bad men are and be the victim and stuff and talk about how evil the world is and how you were doomed from the beginning. Your dad wasn’t good to your mother. Remember? Your brother abandoned you for nothing. Remember? That is your story. You grew up poor. You’re not supposed to have stuff.
These are the voices that whisper so deeply in me. They are trying to keep things the way they have been, but they will not win. No. They will not win. The beginning of my story has been written and it’s a good story. It has all the elements of a good story. So much to overcome. Such complexity in all the characters. An overbearing yet loving mother. A protective father who cheats. All kinds of siblings. A quiet girl with so many gifts and talents, afraid of so much, coming into herself.
I’m going to outline the rest of my story, if you don’t mind. I’m at the climax of the story. I recognize. It’s the turning point that determines the resolution of all prior issues. It’s the part where the heroine either slays the dragon or runs away and says she’s not going to fight. Or she dies. Or she gets bigger weapons. Or some kind of Divine Intervention happens. You get the point. It’s where a big decision is made and big action is taken.
The interesting thing is that the heroine has to step out of her story to see what decision to make. She cannot look at the dragon and think “oh my God, he’s so big I can’t possibly win”. She has to believe she can win first, and then she gets some kind of inspiration and remembers the karate that her daddy taught her a long time ago, or she activates a magic sword she forgot she had or animals swoop down and peck the dragons eyes out or something.
For a moment, I would like to step out of my story. Not put too much attention on My One or my job or all the voices in my head telling me that I’m not shit and how dare I think my life can be good.
God? I am willing to win. I want to win. Yes. I am willing to end this old story once and for all and start the new one.
What are you willing to give, You ask me.
All of me.
-What specifically?
My Love. I am willing to give all of my Love. More and More.
Come out, come out, You say.
All this time I thought it was about what I could have, but it’s about giving isn’t it? The having comes automatically. I almost understand.
Again, You ask, What am I willing to give…
My voice and my words. Yes.
They are important, You say.
And I feel so arrogant even saying they are important.
But they are important, You say. You are all important, if you only knew. Speak your word and let the world be blessed by your voice. Stand up tall, now. Stand up! There is no honor in playing small.
Do not worry about what the voices say. Cultivate the ability to hear My voice. My voice. Get past this part now, where you doubt the vision of your life that I have shown to you. It is Your life. Of course there is a partner. Of course there are children. Of course there are all of your needs met. That sad life is not for you anymore. That poverty life is not for you anymore. You see, the world has things for you, even in the sadness. Lessons to learn. Humility. Compassion. You understand now, your connectivity to all kinds of people in all kinds of situations. You have been those people and so you don’t have to worry about judging them when you become someone else.
Do you understand? You have My permission to be free. To move up in the world in a mighty mighty way. You have My permission to be yourself. All of Yourself. All of it. Tomorrow we will deal with the details, but for today, let’s practice just Love. Just giving and receiving Love. We are not slaying dragons. The dragon died of a heart attack on its own.
We are figuring out what to do now that there’s nothing to fight…
Day 277
When There’s Nothing To Fight (Freedom)
Drama averted.
Good morning Love.
My body is vibrating this morning. I am aware of Love all around me and Grace. Nothing seemingly good has happened. In fact, the seeming opposite has happened.
The powers that be at my work are on an aggressive mission to keep me and the “new crop” of employees that started with me from advancing. This includes falsifying policy and writing us up for violating rules we didn’t violate and preventing us from applying for advancement opportunities.
I think “My One” may be gone for good, even though I thought he was the one. Other dudes have been coming out of the woodworks quickly. Mr. Voodoo Man almost got me, trying to feed my mind with concepts that don’t fit me. He’s powerful and smart, but he’s not the Truth.
If I was on Mario Brother’s I would be leveling up right now, eating one of those gold coins that turn me into big Mario.
I am realizing something. No one has any power over my life. It sounds like a cliche, small realization, but it’s really big. There is One Creator that I bow down to. I am exploring the nature of that Creator. Other than that, no one has any power over me. No one can hurt me. Do you understand? There is a Divine Plan for me and there is nothing that can hinder it.
I am realizing all the times in my life when people have said things are impossible. I am thinking about my car parked in the parking garage outside. My management had threatened to evict me if I parked in this lot. I didn’t give in to their idle threats. I didn’t succumb to their perceived power. I’ve been in the parking spot for some months now, and just last week, I found out that my management had lost the contract to this apartment. They had been fired for so many deeds of mismanagement. God took care of it and I don’t have to suffer from their arbitrary retaliation any more.
So I’m understanding what it means to stick to truth. I’m understanding what it means to say what you need to say. With understanding comes responsibility. I get it. I’m always that girl. Raging against the machine.
It’s OK. I’m not angry anymore. Not really. This is called faith and knowledge. You have a plan for me. Fear no longer gets to rule. Nope. The end of that. I wrote My One a letter and told him all the Truth I have for him. There is nothing left to say, but I can rest in peace now. I’m sorry. I planted fear in our relationship. I’m sorry. I won’t do that ever again. To anyone.
It’s OK to look our obstacles in the eye and see them for what they really are: opportunities for growth and demonstration. Beginnings of a new way of life. Final exams and lessons. Initiations helping us step into truth. Reminders of who we are.
We rise above all that would hinder us from reaching Our full potential in this life in this time. We infuse our very being into every act. The highest possible good for all involved. The highest possible good for all involved. The highest possible good for all involved. We shall not be broken. We stand in Unison with Our Creator, the Power of all Power, the Comforter of all Comforter. Love and Divine Wisdom are the order of the day. Love, Love, Love, Love, Love from the center of my very being. A light so bright that no darkness can stand in it’s presence.
We let it shine and from this place we begin our day. And so it is. Ameen.
Day 276
Shine Baby, Shine
It’s Saturday. I’ve been at home all day. A lot going on in the atmosphere. Oooh we. Change just blowing all over me. Lazy day. Birds chirping in trees outside. Gifts to be bought. Bills to be paid. Things to be organized. Completions to be made.
I had a happy ending. With my friend who showed up out of the blue after his five-year disappearance. He gave me good advice. He showed me so much Love. He presented some work and money opportunities. He asked if I would be with him, like be his woman. I hadn’t thought about him in forever and don’t really want to think about that question right now, but I do want to think about and share all the other gifts that brought.
Like how he brought to my attention how much I have been abusing myself over the years. Abusing my heart in particular. Mind you, it had been five years since we last spoke, and that’s enough time for people to have noticeable changes. I thought of all the people I have interacted with over that time. All of the dramas. All of the heartaches and struggle. The same cycle over and over again, so much so that I had almost forgotten what stability felt like. I had forgotten about how I used to dream about relationships and the unconditional love and support of a man. I used to believe that happy endings were possible and I used to be so full of life. He reminded me about that part of myself. He still sees it in me.
But I am a grown-up now, with a different life in a different place and the rules from the past don’t work for this grown-up version of myself. I can not pretend to be naive. People know it’s not true. Nor can I pretend to know more than I know. It doesn’t work. Time will not stand still for me, though. I have tried to make it wait for me, but it won’t. And so the forces of evolution push me to step into this grown-up version of myself, to incorporate everything that I’ve been learning into my life now, so that it’s no longer theory. So that it’s my life.
My job will be ending soon. Not because it’s ending, but because the reprieve is over. I am not allowed to create. I am not allowed to bring the best of me. I have to play dumb or sit silent while injustices occur or suffer the wrath of my supervisors. I just realized what needs to be done before I leave. Well, first I need to find another source of income that is more in alignment with everything that is seeking to express through me (and somewhere that has health insurance), and second, I need to tell the truth to my supervisors. They have the power to create such a wonderful environment, but they are caught up with so much pettiness. It makes everyone (including them) suffer. My big, fat, forthright mouth is one of the few things I have going for me, so I’m going to infuse my words with love and say what I need to say before it’s all said and done…
I live for happy endings. I think I invite people into my life over and over again until we can get the ending right. Happy endings doesn’t always mean that you smile in each other’s face and talk about how good your experience was. For me, it just means that I’ve said all I wanted to say and done all I wanted to do before saying goodbye. And the hope is always that when you started off loving someone, you can leave loving them, saying sorry and making everything all right before it’s over.
But sometimes people want to hold you. And so they leave without a goodbye. Trust me, they feel the same way. They wish that they could have looked in your eyes and hugged you one last time or at least spit on your face and told you what they really felt! It haunts them, too. But we lie. We say we don’t care. We say we forgot about them. We say we have moved on. We lie to ourselves so much that we begin to believe our own bitter lies.
And we don’t realize why it has become so hard for us to smile. Why we just can’t get into anything anymore. We have been holding out. Waiting for our happy endings without even realizing it. If I can wait for Dream Lover to say sorry, then at least there is still some connection. He knows this just as well as I do. Intuitively we know. If we can hold on to something, some debt, some un-forgiveness, if we can disappear without closing doors, then at least there’s something. Some connection. Some hope we can use to stop ourselves from ever having to step out into the unknown again.
I see what needs to be done for my happy ending. I mean, God has a way of bringing people from the past back into my life and giving me an opportunity for a happy ending, but it doesn’t always work that way. And in the meantime, my emotions are held hostage. In the meantime, I am subconsciously waiting for such-and-such to reappear before I fall in love for real. I am waiting for such-and-such to notice me before I team up with someone else. I am waiting for some dream happy ending before I take a step into the rest of my life, but in my waiting I am actually stepping backwards, because the world is continuously moving forward.
I almost caught something… I can just say what I need to say and be done with it. I do not have to wait for permission from the past to have a happy ending. Everyone doesn’t need a Dear John letter. Some will never understand. But for some, I just have to tell them. Dear John, you hurt me and I have been putting my life on hold all this time waiting for your apology. I see that I may never get it. You may never get it. And it’s finally OK. I am creating my own happy ending here, finally not waiting for you to release me or explain yourself. And this is how it goes. This is what I feel like you have done to me. This is what I need to speak out of my mouth so that I can get my power back. I need to at least tell you what you have done. Don’t ask me why I need to tell you, because I don’t even know why. I only know that I can’t have a happy ending until the truth is spoken…
And I am ready for happy endings now. I am ready for new beginnings. I am ready for the cleansing and the healing and the burning away of all that has held me hostage. I am ready to take responsibility for all of it and to stand up in this world amongst my friends and family and everyone I connect with in Truth. No more pretending. No more playing like I don’t know what I know. No more disrespecting and dishonoring my precious, precious self.
It is time to use my voice and my words and my hands and my feet and my prayers to create and call forth the true life within me. It is time for a mighty mighty change. No more damage to my precious, precious heart. We know when we are abusing ourselves. We just do it so much that we get so numb… It’s time for happy endings…
Day 275
Happy Endings
Good morning World,
I hope everyone is doing OK. I have been under attack, caught in the crossfire of other people’s wars. I survived. I’m OK.
I’d like to take a moment to set an intention before I head out for the day. It can be scary coming back to the world after you’ve spent a long time alone in the silence of your own thoughts.
You find that everything is not like they said in the books. Everyone doesn’t always Love you and people aren’t always nice. Sometimes people will be against you. Just because. Just because you are a woman or a man or a certain age or a certain race. Just because you light up a room when they don’t. Just because you don’t give them what they want from you or just because you dare to smile in spite of it all.
So I have been under attack. By men. And women. Because I smiled just a little too big. Because I didn’t do what I was told to do by a man who feels like it’s his very birthright to tell me what to do. By powerful people who believe they are more powerful than me. And it hurt. When bees sting it hurts. And it confuses you. And it causes you to question yourself.
Am I supposed to do everything men say because I am a woman? Do I need to just shut up at work and not tell everyone about my skills so that I will be liked by my supervisors who aren’t as educated as me? Have I been doing something wrong? Do I need to just shut up and not smile so big so I can get along in the world? Is this why I don’t have a man? Do I just need to be nice? Because every man I have ever loved and been in a relationship with has tried to dominate my will.
My most recent attacker said that I emasculate men by trying to tell them what to do. By not letting them lead me. He said that this is why my exes resent me. And he was very convicted. And what he said sounded like truth.
But then he said that I needed to learn “game” (how to interact with men to make them do what I want). He said I don’t understand the nature of the soul. And he said I need to focus less on my emotions and more on my “indifferent soul”. And he said that he had come around to teach me things and I need to humble myself to him or else he wouldn’t teach me. And he was very convicted. And this sounded like truth, too.
But it wasn’t.
And there is something so lovely about being around powerful people. They force you to go deep. They will devour you if you don’t. He was right. Men like to lead. At least the kind of men that I like like to lead. And even I like to follow sometimes. But not just anyone. Only Kings and Priests who are guided by Love. Those are my leaders. I don’t bow down to people who are all about self. I don’t bow down to manipulators and cheaters and liars. No. I don’t bow down to men who spend their entire lives trying to feed their egos or people who never say sorry and don’t talk to their mothers. No. Those are not my leaders. Everyone is a teacher if we allow them to be, but they are not my leaders.
I see the error in my ways. It’s not that I don’t listen to men, it’s that I set myself up to try and listen to the wrong type of men. Men who are not qualified to lead me. It sounds arrogant, but it’s the truth. It has nothing to do with their worldly standing. It has everything to do with their heart. With their ability and desire to come clean. To wash off their conscience. To say sorry. To live with integrity. To set an intention of harmlessness. To comfort and protect and Love in spite of all else.
You will say that this kind of man does not exist, but he must exist because I exist and I have thought of him. I have prayed for him and every prayer has an answer.
I have to get dressed for work. The attackers didn’t win this time. They will never win, Insha’ Allah. Demons come cloaked in sugar all the time. Bringing powerful words and ideas, trying to steal your will. They cannot survive on their on will. They thrive off of the minds and souls of others. My attacker was not a demon. But he wasn’t my teacher. And I almost believed he was, because his words were just that convincing.
The funny thing is, he told me to get over my emotions, but my emotions are what saved me. The inexplicable stomachache that you get when you’re around someone. The headache or red eyes. The fatigue. The way you’re feelings always seem hurt even though they never even said anything to you. Don’t disregard the gifts that God has given us. OK, maybe women aren’t that good with logic. But we have other tools to help get us through the world. We have other tools that keep us safe. And we have other tools to recognize the truth. Let’s use them. Ameen.
Day 274
The Tools
hownottocryeveryday 