Day 271- With Love

I’m feeling low, Lord. I go back to LA today…

I dropped my sister off at work this morning. My other sister leaves soon. Then my mom and nephew will drop me at the airport…

It’s getting harder and harder to go back to LA. My heart is breaking. There is so much Love here. It’s so lonely out there. Just work and work and work and guys who never want anything and girls who always want something… sigh…

Why don’t I just move here? It’s better than down South. Peaceful. My sister’s apartment is literally overlooking a golf course with views of the hills and lakes right outside of the window. Birds chirp outside of every window as the sun rises and the air is fresh and clean, not like my apartment where I only have that one window with that one tree in my one gated community before I step out into the polluted city…

It’s better here. But I don’t live here. Why not? Pride? Ego? Me wanting to finish what I started? At what cost?

I am looking to LA but I see nothing. “My One” has lost interest in me, I think. Or whatever. Thinking about him only makes me sad now. I messed up. Or he messed up. Or whatever. But he’s not willing to go there with me anymore, and I’m not willing to carry a relationship on my own or want someone who doesn’t show that he wants me… My brother? Living with him is not the most exciting thought. It’s anti-exciting. Depressing. Picking, poking, judging, holding back love. That’s all I can think of.

So, I’m going deep within this morning, God, because I’m going back to Cali. I don’t know why. There doesn’t seem to be anything worth coming home to in Cali. No Love. I mean, I have a few friends that I Love, and it’s good Love, but I don’t see them very often. We are all busy working, working, working.

But we don’t really share life together… There’s nothing worth coming home to out there…

So, I’m sitting here trying to reconcile this, because I’m getting on the plane and I will be back in Cali later today. And I don’t know how long I’ll be there, but Spirit says I’m there for now.

But I need a sign, some hope, something. Just something to keep me going… Oh Lawd!!!! OK…

Breathing… Allah? I am going back home today, and I realize that my life back home is severely lacking in Love and connectivity. In family. I am missing family. I am missing the comfort of being surrounded by unconditional Love. I am missing cooking big meals and eating them with people. Laughing. Talking about nothing and just enjoying each other’s space. Supporting each other…

I would like to have a life that I look forward to coming home to. I’ll stop being a cry baby, suck it up, whatever. I know I ventured off on my own for whatever crazy reason and I started something that I have to finish. I know I am responsible for making my life the way I want it. So here I go. If I don’t cast my will upon the world, then I will drown in depression.

We are going back home. We have seen the truth of the kind of life we really want. Something like Hawaii. Settled. Easy. Clean air. Family. Add meaningful work. Add husband and children. Sharing. A lot of hugging. My writings. Let’s dream again.

Maybe I will be here in Hawaii soon. I don’t know where my husband will come from. I’m kind of tired of looking for him, to be honest. It must be me, but I don’t know what to do to change myself at this point. I don’t think I’m that bad of a person and I think I’m worthy of being Loved with all of my flaws, but the guys I want to be with don’t seem to have any interest in imperfect me, so I don’t know.

Sometimes I am tired of reaching, Allah. I just want to have already. My good job. My life settled. I want to stop dreaming and finally be a part of the dream come true part. And I have been building up little by little, I know. But I had fallen so far. It seems like I have so far to go. I know. Almost there. Just around the corner.

Let’s do what we can do today. For today, in this moment of despair and hopelessness, which could easily become a whole month of self-pity, confusion and apathy, I’m going to make a choice. I am choosing, Allah, to be hopeful. I am choosing to be open. I am choosing to be intentional. And I intend to have a great day. Someone said that when you think you’re lacking something, you should give the thing you think you’re lacking to someone else. So, I feel like I’m lacking family and connection. I will give that to my brother. Lord knows he’s lacking it. I’ll just forgive him. All the way. Right now. And be nice to him, in spite of all the horribleness that I know he’s about to throw my way.

I don’t know why I’m going to do this. Because it’s all I can think to do at the moment. I don’t know if it works or if I will get a blanket to cover me, too, soon. I don’t know. I’ve never tried it. But I know that I must do something. I must participate in the creation of life as I’d like it to be.

Love. You are calling my name. My Blessed Heart. You are demanding to be of use again. Life. You are pushing me to be all that You intended for me…. Whew. Colorful. Full. Vibrant. Alive…. Alive. Alive.

My heart is being pushed to the limit. That’s a good thing. The limit has been so small. My life is being pushed to the limit. It’s a good thing. Life as it is doesn’t reflect me anymore. My walls need some color. I need more hugs and sharing. More finishing and success. It’s a good thing. I understand what it means when they say that everything that’s good for you doesn’t always feel good.

You have done me a good thing by giving me this short vacation. You have done me a good thing by introducing me to “My One”. You have let me see what life can be, what life should be for me. I believe that the highest possible result is automatically forthcoming. I will do what I can today. With Love, Allah. With Love in my heart. I am finally walking towards something instead of running away.

With Love in my heart, I plant new seeds. Ameen.

Day 271

With Love