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Day 277 – When There’s Nothing To Fight (Freedom)

December 21, 2013

Good morning World!

I just wrote a whole blog, took a nap, sent some emails, and now I’m starting over again. It’s 8:10. Headed out early today to take care of grown-up stuff, like finally getting a bank account in my name again, taking care  of DMV stuff, etc.

My One reappeared. I got offered another job in another department of the job I work for. It was a permanent job versus the temp-to-perm job that I have now. I didn’t accept it because God said no. A few hours later I found out that the job where I am is going to become permanent.

Life is pretty interesting. My energy is back. I’m excited and grateful about nothing in particular. I’m alive. This part is called the initiation. Sometimes it lasts a while. It’s the part after training. The part after college. The part after you have sat in a room for a while and read some books or gone through some ordeal and you are ready to face the world again.

Life is like stories. There is a universal process of birth and death always happening. Beginning, middle, end. They all happen simultaneously all the time, but it’s cool when you’re aware of them. I am at the end of a certain way of life. The end of that poverty, disempowered, “woe is me”, run-away, scared, head low, confused, I’m not good enough, dysfunctional relationship, sad part. I am at the beginning of everything I’ve never known: stability, self-Love, order, fulfilling relationships based on a foundation of true Love, success, financial freedom, partnership and friendship, actually living from a sense of connectivity and purpose, showing up in the world as my true true self… And I’m in the middle of stuff that I’ve been working on for some time: learning how to get along with men (and women), figuring out how to be open yet safe, and understanding control and power.

It’s still the initiation because I am birthing the beginning of a different kind of life. And when that other life becomes my experience, I will be on the other side. I’d like to take a moment to think about this “other” life that seems so far in the distance. I get scared to think about it because it’s so big. No one I know has ever lived this kind of life, this kind of happy that I imagine. In the back of my mind, a voice whispers “how dare you”.

How dare you think you can be and have and do all these things? Who do you think you are? Don’t you know where you come from? Don’t you know your place? No. You are supposed to be sad all the time, remember? People won’t like you if you have too much, trying to be happy and ish. You’re supposed to be arguing with your brother, remember? How dare you think you can get along with him? Oh, you think you’re special? How dare you think you can have a husband, like a real husband, and he care for you and take care of you and stuff and you actually like and respect him? You? Do you see any of your friends doing this stuff? No. You are supposed to just sit back and talk about how bad men are and be the victim and stuff and talk about how evil the world is and how you were doomed from the beginning. Your dad wasn’t good to your mother. Remember? Your brother abandoned you for nothing. Remember? That is your story. You grew up poor. You’re not supposed to have stuff.

These are the voices that whisper so deeply in me. They are trying to keep things the way they have been, but they will not win. No. They will not win. The beginning of my story has been written and it’s a good story. It has all the elements of a good story. So much to overcome. Such complexity in all the characters. An overbearing yet loving mother. A protective father who cheats. All kinds of siblings. A quiet girl with so many gifts and talents, afraid of so much, coming into herself.

I’m going to outline the rest of my story, if you don’t mind. I’m at the climax of the story. I recognize. It’s the turning point that determines the resolution of all prior issues. It’s the part where the heroine either slays the dragon or runs away and says she’s not going to fight. Or she dies. Or she gets bigger weapons. Or some kind of Divine Intervention happens. You get the point. It’s where a big decision is made and big action is taken.

The interesting thing is that the heroine has to step out of her story to see what decision to make. She cannot look at the dragon and think “oh my God, he’s so big I can’t possibly win”. She has to believe she can win first, and then she gets some kind of inspiration and remembers the karate that her daddy taught her a long time ago, or she activates a magic sword she forgot she had or animals swoop down and peck the dragons eyes out or something.

For a moment, I would like to step out of my story. Not put too much attention on My One or my job or all the voices in my head telling me that I’m not shit and how dare I think my life can be good.

God? I am willing to win. I want to win. Yes. I am willing to end this old story once and for all and start the new one.

What are you willing to give, You ask me.

All of me.

-What specifically?

My Love. I am willing to give all of my Love. More and More.

Come out, come out, You say.

All this time I thought it was about what I could have, but it’s about giving isn’t it? The having comes automatically. I almost understand.

Again, You ask, What am I willing to give…

My voice and my words. Yes.

They are important, You say.

And I feel so arrogant even saying they are important.

But they are important, You say. You are all important, if you only knew. Speak your word and let the world be blessed by your voice. Stand up tall, now. Stand up! There is no honor in playing small.

Do not worry about what the voices say. Cultivate the ability to hear My voice. My voice. Get past this part now, where you doubt the vision of your life that I have shown to you. It is Your life. Of course there is a partner. Of course there are children. Of course there are all of your needs met. That sad life is not for you anymore. That poverty life is not for you anymore. You see, the world has things for you, even in the sadness. Lessons to learn. Humility. Compassion. You understand now, your connectivity to all kinds of people in all kinds of situations. You have been those people and so you don’t have to worry about judging them when you become someone else.

Do you understand? You have My permission to be free. To move up in the world in a mighty mighty way. You have My permission to be yourself. All of Yourself. All of it. Tomorrow we will deal with the details, but for today, let’s practice just Love. Just giving and receiving Love. We are not slaying dragons. The dragon died of a heart attack on its own.

We are figuring out what to do now that there’s nothing to fight…

Day 277

When There’s Nothing To Fight (Freedom)

From → The Initiation

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