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Day 275 – Happy Endings

December 14, 2013

It’s Saturday. I’ve been at home all day.  A lot going on in the atmosphere. Oooh we. Change just blowing all over me. Lazy day. Birds chirping in trees outside. Gifts to be bought. Bills to be paid. Things to be organized. Completions to be made.

I had a happy ending. With my friend who showed up out of the blue after his five-year disappearance. He gave me good advice. He showed me so much Love. He presented some work and money opportunities. He asked if I would be with him, like be his woman. I hadn’t thought about him in forever and don’t really want to think about that question right now, but I do want to think about and share all the other gifts that brought.

Like how he brought to my attention how much I have been abusing myself over the years. Abusing my heart in particular. Mind you, it had been five years since we last spoke, and that’s enough time for people to have noticeable changes. I thought of all the people I have interacted with over that time. All of the dramas. All of the heartaches and struggle. The same cycle over and over again, so much so that I had almost forgotten what stability felt like. I had forgotten about how I used to dream about relationships and the unconditional love and support of a man. I used to believe that happy endings were possible and I used to be so full of life. He reminded me about that part of myself. He still sees it in me.

But I am a grown-up now, with a different life in a different place and the rules from the past don’t work for this grown-up version of myself. I can not pretend to be naive. People know it’s not true. Nor can I pretend to know more than I know. It doesn’t work. Time will not stand still for me, though. I have tried to make it wait for me, but it won’t. And so the forces of evolution push me to step into this grown-up version of myself, to incorporate everything that I’ve been learning into my life now, so that it’s no longer theory. So that it’s my life.

My job will be ending soon. Not because it’s ending, but because the reprieve is over. I am not allowed to create. I am not allowed to bring the best of me. I have to play dumb or sit silent while injustices occur or suffer the wrath of my supervisors. I just realized what needs to be done before I leave. Well, first I need to find another source of income that is more in alignment with everything that is seeking to express through me (and somewhere that has health insurance), and second, I need to tell the truth to my supervisors. They have the power to create such a wonderful environment, but they are caught up with so much pettiness. It makes everyone (including them) suffer. My big, fat, forthright mouth is one of the few things I have going for me, so I’m going to infuse my words with love and say what I need to say before it’s all said and done…

I live for happy endings. I think I invite people into my life over and over again until we can get the ending right. Happy endings doesn’t always mean that you smile in each other’s face and talk about how good your experience was. For me, it just means that I’ve said all I wanted to say and done all I wanted to do before saying goodbye. And the hope is always that when you started off loving someone, you can leave loving them, saying sorry and making everything all right before it’s over.

But sometimes people want to hold you. And so they leave without a goodbye. Trust me, they feel the same way. They wish that they could have looked in your eyes and hugged you one last time or at least spit on your face and told you what they really felt! It haunts them, too. But we lie. We say we don’t care. We say we forgot about them. We say we have moved on. We lie to ourselves so much that we begin to believe our own bitter lies.

And we don’t realize why it has become so hard for us to smile. Why we just can’t get into anything anymore. We have been holding out. Waiting for our happy endings without even realizing it. If I can wait for Dream Lover to say sorry, then at least there is still some connection. He knows this just as well as I do. Intuitively we know. If we can hold on to something, some debt, some un-forgiveness, if we can disappear without closing doors, then at least there’s something. Some connection. Some hope we can use to stop ourselves from ever having to step out into the unknown again.

I see what needs to be done for my happy ending. I mean, God has a way of bringing people from the past back into my life and giving me an opportunity for a happy ending, but it doesn’t always work that way. And in the meantime, my emotions are held hostage. In the meantime, I am subconsciously waiting for such-and-such to reappear before I fall in love for real. I am waiting for such-and-such to notice me before I team up with someone else. I am waiting for some dream happy ending before I take a step into the rest of my life, but in my waiting I am actually stepping backwards, because the world is continuously moving forward.

I almost caught something… I can just say what I need to say and be done with it. I do not have to wait for permission from the past to have a happy ending. Everyone doesn’t need a Dear John letter. Some will never understand. But for some, I just have to tell them. Dear John, you hurt me and I have been putting my life on hold all this time waiting for your apology. I see that I may never get it. You may never get it. And it’s finally OK. I am creating my own happy ending here, finally not waiting for you to release me or explain yourself. And this is how it goes. This is what I feel like you have done to me. This is what I need to speak out of my mouth so that I can get my power back. I need to at least tell you what you have done. Don’t ask me why I need to tell you, because I don’t even know why. I only know that I can’t have a happy ending until the truth is spoken…

And I am ready for happy endings now. I am ready for new beginnings. I am ready for the cleansing and the healing and the burning away of all that has held me hostage. I am ready to take responsibility for all of it and to stand up in this world amongst my friends and family and everyone I connect with in Truth. No more pretending. No more playing like I don’t know what I know. No more disrespecting and dishonoring my precious, precious self.

It is time to use my voice and my words and my hands and my feet and my prayers to create and call forth the true life within me. It is time for a mighty mighty change. No more damage to my precious, precious heart. We know when we are abusing ourselves. We just do it so much that we get so numb… It’s time for happy endings…

Day 275

Happy Endings

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From → The Initiation

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