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Day 279 – The Pain Goes

December 25, 2013

Hi There,

Such a beautiful morning. I’m buzzing all over the place and brimming with the excitement of a new day. Feeling Nina Simone’s song “sleep in peace till day is done.” Do you know that last night I eliminated the last man standing?

I don’t know how or why it happens to me that every, I mean every single person that I have managed to have a dysfunctional relationship with, even people I have forgotten, show up in my life at some point, but that’s my life. Even My One (I’ll call him My Almost One now). I had totally forgotten that I met him about two years ago and we had an aborted relationship. We had an aborted relationship again two years later, but at least we were able to say what we really wanted to say to each other. And I can’t speak for him, but at the end of the day, in less than a month, he helped me to see things about myself that it had taken me years to realize and I am a better person because of my interaction with him…

So yesterday was particularly juicy. I haven’t watched Scandal in over two weeks because I’ve just had so much drama in my own life. Scandal would be too much. At work yesterday, a lot happened. We all got and gave gifts, but one of the most beautiful things that happened is that some of my coworkers sang Christmas carols. My supervisor did a solo, an opera solo in her native language. Armenian. It was so beautiful. Her pitch pierced our hearts. We couldn’t understand anything she was saying, but it made some of us cry. And I realized that she wasn’t evil. And she didn’t even hate me. She was a person with depth to her just like all of us. And she had gotten to share her beautiful talent with us on that day. I was so happy for her.

Then I went to physical therapy for the first time in my life. My therapist was really good and she was actually trying to figure out what was really wrong with me. She was excited. I have body pains here and there that seem to be interconnected. No one ever believes me because I seem healthy or doctors usually feel like it’s a trivial problem and tell me to take some muscle relaxers. But she made me do this exercise. And it threw my whole mind out of whack. I think I had a headache for four hours after. She showed me a picture of the nerves that connect to the spine and said that sometimes things get bunched up and there is blockage in certain clusters of nerves that cause pain and imbalance. She thought that my pains were coming from particular blockages and she was trying to get me to move stuff around so stuff could flow more easily. I Love her. She’s gonna help me. I am so thankful.

And then it got better. I reached out last night to three people. I was trying to clear the air. Four people actually. Men. There are actually six women I need to reach out to as well. I had been focusing on the men, though, because most of my friends/interactions are with men and they seem to affect me the most… So anyway, long story short. I texted this guy, we’ll call him Mr. Random. This random guy who I interact with on Facebook who somehow became a phone friend and who matters to me for whatever reason. I’ve never met him in person but he’s a family member of a real life friend of mine. I’ve been randomly in touch with him for years over the information superhighway. I’ve defriended him on Facebook at least twice and a few months ago told him off. (I know. I can be childish). So last night I reached out to him. We talked (via text of course). And there is peace in the air between us. I mean real peace. We may even make it to real life friendship one of these days.

And I reached out to my illustrator who flaked on me who I’ve been resenting for some time. I don’t know what happened or how it happened, but the air is clear between us. I mean, like it really is. I reached out to Mr. Voodoo man. He didn’t respond, but I said what I needed to say and it felt good. It feels good to know that you have said all you can say and done all you can do to try and make a relationship good. To honor what you think needs to be honored. I finally accept that people won’t always respond the way you want them to. They may not think that interacting with you is good for them, or they may think that interacting with you is too good for them and they are not ready for all that. And we just have to respect people’s right to do what they want with their lives and their time.

I reached out to Mr. Almost Famous. He didn’t respond, but he will one of these days. I’m glad to know that he will respond. If I tell him I’m in trouble he will be there always. I’m glad to know that. There is one awesome guy in this world who will always be there for me. It’s a really comforting thought…

And this morning I woke up with a smile on my face. Not sure how I will spend this lovely day off. I’m feeling like calling someone that I can run around like a kid with and smile really big with. I’m feeling like life today. Delicious, yummy, life. I might even shock my momma and tell her about this blog so she can finally get to know the grown up me and see how I think. Sometimes she’ll say things to me and I’ll be like, “Wow. She doesn’t know me at all. She’s never met anyone like me.”

God, Thank You. Thank You for this moment. I think one of the most powerful tools for transformation is realizing that the hard times don’t last. It’s kind of hard to realize that unless you’ve been through something, and  you thought you weren’t gonna make it through, and then you get to the other side and realize that you’ve made it through. I think all of us have survived a challenging time or two. Whether we just got a splinter and we thought it was gonna hurt forever and then someone took it out, and the pain lingered, but now we can’t even remember it.

Life is like that. It hurts when it hurts. But the pain goes. And if you know that, then when you’re experiencing pain, in the midst of it, you can cope a little better. You can reach for some anesthetic or breathe deeply in the midst of pain. You can look for the silver lining even in the midst of disaster, because you know that if you live through this time, the pain can go. The pain will go. It does…

Day 279

The Pain Goes

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From → The Initiation

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