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Day 283 – With An Open Heart

January 8, 2014

Good morning World,

Another good morning. A good waking up. Prayers and meditation before the sunrise.

Prayers really do make a difference. Emotions still all over the place. Physical therapy moving things around in my mind and body. Therapist said essentially that some of my nerves were knotted up. She gives me the simplest exercises to do and my head feels disoriented for hours afterward. I think it’s working, though, because each time I do the exercise, there is less and less pain.

Something occurred to me yesterday. About my big man quest. I have been chasing men for a long, long time. It sounds horrible to admit. My mother would say don’t put my business in the street like that. People will talk about me. It’s OK, though. Talk if you will. This is my therapy and truth and transparency is a necessary part.

For the past couple of years, I have been running towards men who didn’t really choose me. Even recently, with My Almost One. Right? I mean, Dream Lover kind of shattered me and I haven’t really had a boyfriend or anything since, but even the guys I’ve entertained since I got back in the dating world, and even Dream Lover and the guy before him who incited this blog. Yes, they said they chose me. Yes, they wanted to choose me, but they didn’t really. Not all the way. they just chose a part of me. The easy part. The sweet part. They refused to love my attitude or my brilliance. They refused to love my independence and ambition or my hot temper. And they ran far, far away when they discovered that I was not perfect.

I did my share of not choosing, too. But I did choose Dream Lover, and I did choose my Almost One…

Anyway, now as I am coming back to the world and trying to build good things, I am thinking about how important it is to be chosen. I am looking to see where there are open hearts and where the men are blocked and afraid and simply not willing to love me or even show care. I was a bit apprehensive about how I’m going to do this.

How am I going to have a life that is completely different than anything I’ve ever experienced? I’ve only ever had one good relationship with a guy who didn’t cheat on me, lie to me, abandon me, try and stop me from progress or make me like sh*t or like I wasn’t good enough. And that was a long time ago.  And I messed that up. Other than him, though, I don’t even know what it’s like to have reciprocity. I don’t know what it’s like to feel loved and cherished by a grown up man who chooses me on purpose.

And life? I’ve never lived my dream life. I’ve never had my dream job. I have had moments of coming close to being around people who have my dream job, but you see, we don’t know what it’s like to have the things we dream of, and sometimes it can be daunting, not even knowing where to start.

I’m meeting men these days. I always meet men, but I’m open to meeting them these days. But I don’t know where to start. How do I choose a good one? My record shows that I haven’t really been good in this area thus far…

This is what today’s blog is about. Where to start. Where do we start when we are building a life that we know nothing about? I think we can start at the very beginning. Like a child. My nephew will hug you only if you are nice to him and give him love. Otherwise, he runs away and throws things at you.

I think that’s a good place to start. Looking for the open hearts. The open doors. The people and places who are wanting and welcoming someone like me, flaws and all, into their life. Can you believe that I almost forgot that there are people who would love, who would be honored to be associated with, affiliated with a woman like me? I almost forgot that I’m beautiful. So much rejection and pain. I almost forgot that I’m worth fighting for and putting up with. It’s hard to remember when most of the people in your circle only try to use you and put you down.

Today, as I walk out in the world, I start with the truth. I am worthy. I am worthy of the fulfillment of all my dreams come true. I am worthy. Even me. I scan my surroundings for the open hearts, the open doors. I let the closed doors close. I know, God, that you are leading me on a path to salvation. I know that this is my way to walk in the world. Leading with my heart. My big, open heart…

Day 283

With An Open Heart

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From → The Initiation

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