OK. I said I wasn’t going to keep starting and restarting these blogs, but I have so much bitterness in me. I like to write it out first, but I don’t want to send it out to the world.
Just let it be as passing thoughts. Good morning world. I just wrote about spineless men and the desperate women who encourage their existence.
I’ve been writing these almost-finished blogs for the past week or so and not publishing them. Been so inundated with people and events and activities.
This blog is a necessary prayer. Been out of alignment. Mojo lost somewhere. Summoning it. The return of the mojo. The return of vibrancy. Summoning it in spite of the fact that my body is currently in more pain than I’ve ever experienced in my life. Giving complaining a rest. Giving bitterness a rest. You can just fall off me right now. I don’t want you in my life. Don’t even try to take residence here.
Thinking about Almost One. We had a heart to heart yesterday. A relationship with him could still be a possibility. Except I don’t want to walk through that door. He is the essence of the kind of man I would like to build a life a with, but his personality and mental atmosphere, all of his issues, are incompatible with mine. He opened a door to continue to get to know each other, but I am afraid and slightly insulted. Get to know each other? You better court me. I’m too old for this Cali way of dating.
This is a big lesson for me. These men, You say, have no more power over me. I just let them go, and all of the nonsense that comes with them. The strong men. The powerful men. They force you. Like working in Hollywood. It forces you to be intentional and clear or you will get pimped. The strong men who value themselves force you to be strong and value yourself.
I see a blessing in these interactions that I couldn’t see before. God You are so funny. All this time you have been trying to give me something. What quality in me is seeking to emerge? Clarity of purpose, You say. Intentionality, You say. Unconditional Love, You say. I have been looking at all their flaws instead of seeing the gift they are bringing. Womanly strength. The opening of my femininity. Me being comfortable with vulnerability. Learning how and when to give and learning when I am safe… Wisdom.
These spineless men are good for something after all. I don’t have to interact with then to have certain qualities emerge, but I can change my perspective so that the bitterness doesn’t build up in my heart and I see Truth for what it is.
I wish I had something motivational to say to you. I don’t. My body is breaking down and I am struggling more than ever to be honest. Not in my mind, though. In my body. Time alone is the remedy, You say. Nourishment. I am in need of nourishment and good food. Sometimes it’s like that. Seek the Ones who wish to give to you. It’s my turn now. Almost One wants to give. That was he was saying last night. I almost didn’t hear him.
For two hundred more words, I’m not going to be pitiful. I am going to seek the higher vantage point and operate from there. Enough is enough already.
Let’s go. Laydie. Summoning mojo. She exists in spite of all evidence. In spite of all breakdowns and confusion, clarity and peace eixsits in this moment. I bring it to my awareness. Support and nourishment exists in this moment. I bring it to my awareness. Love exists in this moment. I bring it to my awareness. All the good things that I am exist in this moment. Mojo, I am summoning you. Awaken and break free. Life break free from me. Even in this moment. Even in this moment. Even in this moment. Even in this moment. Even in this moment. Life break free from me. Change you say. Change is at hand. And Yes, I say. Yes I am willing. Yes I will. Yes I do. Yes I be. I be change. I be the higher version of myself who is struggling not to die a still birth. Yes, you may be born. Yes. Yes. Yes. Vacation is over. Not with pressure though. With kindness.
These kind of men are mirrors. Just Love them. Don’t worry about trying to judge them and change them and blame them and expect them to be a certain kind of way. No one said you have to marry them. You need a man who has casted his gaze in your direction and chosen you. Of course. But do not let the gift of a mirror pass you by. Even in this moment your body is healing. Do you see the medicine of Truth and Alignment? Inner work. You have been out of alignment. I will not allow you any more. Yes, I will remind you of how to get back to Me. I will remind you. It is time to come back to Me fully. It is time to live your life fully. You have been saying it for a while, but in Truth, it is time now. Get up now. Push publish. Be on Time. Take your medicine…
Ameen.
Day 297
Medicine
Just deleted and restarting this blog. I know I’ve been doing that a lot these days.
My first versions are just so whiny. Getting things out so I can sort, or “process” my feelings, as my therapy savvy friends say.
Today I’ve been crying. Over nothing as has been the norm for the past month or so. This weekend I went to a few exercise classes with a friend, worked out with sis at a park, went to my spiritual center, went to see a play with bro, went out to eat with a friend, helped said friend cleanse his room, paid some bills and slept. Someone asked me to be the love of his life… Cried…
Read over my intention statement about men. “I allow myself to have a loving relationship full of fun, trust, tenderness, passion, freedom, support, kindness and loyalty.”
I think I listened to an attack on self-help books. I’m going to ignore the fact that it was probably an attack on me. Who cares. Not me today.
I saw Will at my spiritual center today (the man with the big, healing hands that prayed with me twice). He looked like he’d aged five years in one week. He never speaks to me, or anyone for that matter, but when I speak to him, he always seems pleasantly surprised and animated. I didn’t feel like reaching out to him today. I felt like punching him in the face for coming to a place full of people and trying so hard to never make eye contact with anyone or interact in any way with anyone who doesn’t force themselves on him. I know it’s his life and he can do what he wants, but I’m just being real. I felt like punching him in the face.
So here we are. It’s 9:15pm and the urge to burst out crying is seeping up in me again. There’s no reason. I mean, I could look and see what’s sad in my life and say that I’m crying because of this or that, but it wouldn’t be true. I’m not even thinking about anything in particular. Just then I was thinking about punching Will in the face. Maybe I associate him with the rejection of any man I ever thought I could have a fabulous life with. Maybe that’s why I felt like crying just then. Maybe. Maybe it’s because I had to intentionally take the last man standing off of my heart today and accept the fact that he didn’t choose me. For real. He may choose me another day, but not today, and his presence on my heart is blocking anyone else from being there. I had to let him go. So maybe that’s why I’m crying. Maybe, but probably not. I’ve cried over him already.
Maybe I’m chemically imbalanced. Or bypolar. Or emotionally unstable. Maybe someone put a spell on me or I need to eat more iron. Maybe I need more sunlight. Or I need to finish sorting my papers… Sometimes I just wish I had an answer. I went to a psychologist once to see if I was crazy and she did all kinds of test. Finally told me about how strong and fabulous I was. I hate when people call me strong. To me, it means they won’t help me. It means they won’t empathize with me or pity me. I have to check the box that says I’m a danger to myself or others for people to take me seriously. But if I’ve been through an unfathomable storm, if I’m crying without reason every day and I still manage to work and be productive and help people and live somewhere and my eyes are white and my smile is still genuine, then I must have exceptional coping skills and no one thinks I have a problem.
Sigh… In reality, I don’t think I have a problem either. But that doesn’t take away from the fact that I’d like some help. With what, You ask.
With making sense of it all. With feeling alive. With knowing how to choose a life partner. With being content.
-You have come a long way.
I know. I know I have. I started at a really low place, though. I had a long way to travel just to get here. And I’m a little afraid, God. Of being out of control. Of having all these emotions like now and not knowing what’s going on with me. I’m afraid of what’s out there at the next part of my life and that’s why I’m in my room. And that’s why I don’t want to finish the last pieces of the stuff I’m finally finishing. I’m afraid. Help me. Please.
-Ask for what you want.
Clarity. My smile back. Coming from all of me. Clarity of purpose. Clarity of action. Energy to complete the things that I have in mind to complete. Mutually nourishing relationships… It’s already happening, huh? It’s already here.
–
Then what is my problem?
–
Nothing. Really? Nothing? Just like the psychologist. You are telling me that I don’t have a problem.
-Do you?
… No. I am crying because my body and the deeper layers of my emotional, psychological and subtle bodies are releasing patterns that I’ve been holding onto for years. I am releasing. I am staying away from constant social contact because I instinctively know that I am vulnerable to all sorts of energy and I am protecting myself. My energy is low because I am experience a major shift, like when I go to my healer lady and she does what seems like absolutely nothing and then I sleep for three days. I am spending so much time in solitude praying and meditating and reading because I am realigning myself with my Divine nature, feeding myself with the truth of who I am. I am already ready and I am already able to come back to the world and participate in a fully meaningful way that makes me feel alive and content, but I am hiding behind confusion because I am not confident. So what I really need is confidence.
-Yes
I was going to ask a question but You say I already have the answers. It’s a catch 22. I get confidence by taking action on the things I know to be True. I get confidence every time I reach towards a medicine that You have led me to, and I take the medicine and find myself better afterwards. But what about when I think You are leading me in a particular direction and I walk in that direction and I don’t find what I’m looking for? How can I trust myself then?
– It’s a good question… Don’t trust yourself. Trust Me. You of yourself can do nothing. I know it’s confusing. You don’t know what books to read to guide you. You don’t know who I AM. Is there a God, you ask. Is there a Higher Power? Who are You, you ask? Trust in what you know to be True. You Know I exist. You don’t believe. You KNOW. You know there is more than your mind and your perception of the world. You know this. You know that life is bigger than your experience of it, but you experience life only through your self. Now. Let’s go deeper. You know that for every problem you can create, there is a solution. That is why they can not help you. You know what they would only like to believe. The solution does not come from you. It comes from the part of you that is more than you. It comes from Me. And I am you and then some.
So as you cry, be confident in the process. As you sit alone in your room, feeling quite content, be confident in the process. Be confident in what you know. As you listen to so many voices and whispers from others, listen with humility, but listen for My voice. Listen for My voice. The voice of Truth. It lives in all, but it is up to you to know when you are hearing My voice some from another and when you are simply hearing another’s voice.
Your husband is on his way. But you know this. He has been preparing himself for you as you have been preparing yourself for him. He has been waiting for you to become open enough to welcome all his Love. He has been waiting for you to be strong enough and woman enough to raise children who will thrive in this world. You have been becoming the kind of woman that kings and priests dream of. You have been becoming the woman of the man of your dream’s dream.
Yes, this is real. It is not just your imagination. Be confident in what you know. Take action in what you know. Act on Divine Guidance. Act on what you know to be true. This is your path. Do not worry about the path of others. They have their own way. Clean your place. Purify. Guard your sacred space until all of you knows you are ready and your release is complete, and then see what happens. See what I have in store…
Ameen.
Day 296
Confidence
Good morning,
A sweet waking up. Haven’t had this in a while. I love it. I like to imagine that angels come in the night. They sweep away pain and anything you were thinking of and it’s just so sweet… I even feel it in my body.
I think I am nicest between 3 and 7 am. The world doesn’t exist in those hours. There is only peace, feeling like Truth. No headaches or body aches, no tears or wants. There is no future or past. There is only a moment of bliss.
It leaves after a little bit. I try to catch it and pin it down, take it with me throughout the day, but it leaves. It is leaving even now as I write and I am thinking about Muse and how he always tries to covertly put people down. Let’s do some work around that thought. Let’s not try to put him down. Let’s not criticize him. I think I have an issue with that: criticism.
Let’s let that go this morning. I am willing to release the need to criticize others. I still feel it lingering in me. I am willing to release the need to criticize others. I am willing to release the need to criticize others. I am willing to release the need to criticize others. I am willing to release the need to criticize others. I realize I have created this condition in my consciousness and I am willing to release the pattern in my consciousness that is responsible for this condition…
My friend Mr. Almost Famous just came to mind. Normally I would text him when he comes to mind like this, and he will text me back saying something like “hey, that’s just what I needed to hear.” But I’m not going to text him this morning. I’m just gonna think about him instead. Thank you for being so radiant. Thank you for being so kind. Thank you for being so compassionate and nonjudgemental. Thank you for being loyal. Thank you for being strong. Thank you for seeing beyond your own self and choosing your words with care and consideration. Thank you for being humble. But most of all, thank you for the well of Love, the big light that walks with you everywhere you go, blessing people simply by being in your presence. You are loved. You are noticed. You are appreciated. You make a difference just by being you. Thank you for being you. I Love you…
I don’t have much to write about today. Maybe I do, but I’ll save it for another day. My mom is coming to visit in a week, so I now I have some motivation to really get my house in order. I’m glad. I know I’ll do it.
The undertow of the sinking ocean has stopped. I don’t know how. I’d like to take credit for all of my healings and realization, but I doubt it’s all me. I doubt most of it is me. There is something going on for sure. There is something bigger than me that comes in the night and washes away all sorts of pain while I’m sleeping. I believe in God. Oh, I don’t know about the rest and what will happen after this moment on Earth. I’m not gonna pretend like I have a single answer.
But somehow I think that this time on Earth matters, too. Whether it is all a test to see if we can overcome Satan’s trickery, or whether we are here only to create and experience all we can be. Whether Jesus is calling us to help us get through our ingrained sinful nature or whether ancestors are trying to work things out through our existence. I imagine that the afterlife, or whatever happens later, will have something to do with what happens now, or rather, what we choose to do now.
So for today, before the clock reads 7 and the sun comes up, I choose to cherish this time on Earth. It’s an every day choosing. I just choose it today because I had forgotten about it yesterday. But I’d like to say that even when we are down and despairing, even when we are at war with each other and nothing makes sense, even when we can’t seem to find a hero or someone to look up to, even when others are hurting us or we are hurting ourselves, even when we don’t know where we went wrong or how to make it right, even when our energy is zapped and our bodies hurt and our hearts are broken, even when our houses and our lives our disorganized, even when we are lacking in food or money or shelter or connectivity, even in the midst of anguish, choice remains. Grace remains in the world even when it is not a part of our immediate experience. Abundance remains. Compassion remains.
And sometimes if you can not find any of the good things you seek, it helps if you bring it. Bring compassion. Bring Love. Bring forgiveness. Bring connectivity, You tell me. Do not worry if you are the only one. Trust me, you may be the only one in your immediate surrounding, but you are never the only one. Bring a light like Mr. Almost Famous. Bring humility. Don’t worry about when you will be on the receiving end again. Just don’t worry, Laydie. Trust me. Scan your life and see how much you have received all these things. Even in your sleep I am comforting you. So do not worry if no one cooks you chicken soup tonight. We know that you have been comforted by Kings and Queens and Priests in your time. Angels clean your heart at night. Stop holding back the good in you because you are waiting for it to be returned. It is returned to you tenfold in so many ways…
Today I choose just to be humble. I choose a recipient to bless. I choose kindness. Have a beautiful day.
Day 295
This Time In My Life
Good morning…
I wrote this really sad blog the other day and didn’t publish it. I’m glad I didn’t. It was about me freaking out.
I woke up in enough time today for me to blog and go to work. I haven’t done that in a while. Emotions all over the place. I don’t know what to do about them all the time.
Yesterday I went somewhere after work before coming home, just to get a change of pace. I think I’m gonna do that more often. It’s boring going straight to work and coming straight home to sit at a computer or sit on the bed while I wait for my sis to get off the computer. Or cook. Or clean. That’s what I do when I’m at home. It’s boring.
Trust me, I’ve never had a problem with boredom (Ok well maybe a little bit). But I can sit in the silence for hours upon hours without being entertained and just meditate or do work, but this kind of boring is a bit different. It’s bothersome. It’s a feeling of missing out. It’s a feeling of drowning. It’s a feeling like life is somewhere that I’m not. Out there somewhere.
I am searching, and I don’t even know for what. And my list is still unfinished. I did finish one major item, though, but there is still a ways to go.
And I ask myself how am I going to change the world when I can’t even change myself? I can’t even sort out a closet full of papers? Think about it. We want to end world poverty. We have a solution for bullying. We know the cure to happiness and peace forever. But we can not manage to have peace of mind and integrity in our own selves for even twenty-four hours.
I don’t think the problem is the world. I think the problem is the people in the world always looking outside of ourselves for someone else to “fix”.
I think I’m bored because I’m drifting further and further out of alignment from the things that matter to me. I don’t really feel like I’m connected with people. Even though I live with brother and sister and I like the company of human beings, and even though the three of us work in a similar industry, our life views and motivations are very, very different from each other.
And it’s not loneliness that I’m feeling. Not boredom quite. There is an aliveness missing. I am struggling to find it and hold on to the little sparks. I am yearning for someone I can look up to. You know, someone else on a mission. Someone else who will bring happy into my world instead of me always having to be the lifter and the organizer and the highest vibration in the room.
Can you send me a hero, God? I’m kind of drowning here. And it’s the worst kind of drowning. Not an ocean overtaking me, but a slow sinking. Don’t know where the drain is. Don’t know if I should swim or stay still so that I will float. Don’t know the answer here, but I know running away is not the solution. Or is it?
Find good food, You say. Where are the peaceful hearts? Where are they? They seem to be so few and far in between. Where are the masters? I know, those are my people, but I’m not one of them yet. Where are the ones who bring a light with them everywhere they go? On purpose. Where are the people who know how to treat each other? The kind ones. The ones who have sat down and done some work on themselves. The alive ones.
My spark is waning, God. How shall I get it back?
This is the time for willpower, You say. Not floating time. Swimming time. This is the time for getting up early like I did today. Action and patience. No one will be traveling on exactly on my path, but there are those who are traveling intentionally. There are those who want to connect and be kind. There are those who are not just stuck in their worlds and can see the world around them… Find them. Stop criticizing. Let the ones who are not on your path be. Find the places where you fit. You see, there are places where you fit. You have felt them before. You have been there before. There are vortexes of energy. Find them.
And finish, Laydie. Yes finish. This is your lesson on mastery. A lifetime worth of unfinished business in front of you. Small obstacles. This is your test. This is your initiation. You must become stronger. Your vibration must become impermeable, you see. You are learning that the emotions are just that. Emotions. Good job. They are not the truth of your life. Now let us learn what it is to transform an environment instead of being transformed by it. Let us learn how to create a life in spite of circumstances instead of having our life be created by them. Let us learn to see beyond the illusion.
We know deep down that it is not that hard. Perhaps our bodies will react to the profound release. Perhaps our mind will be confused for a while. But we know deep down, that this endeavor, the endeavor to get to the root of things and master just the little things in our lives, is a worthwhile endeavor. We know that it is a life changing endeavor. And a necessary one for those who say they want to change the world.
So. Work time. Be on time today. Get up. Let’s go.
Day 294
A Lesson On Mastery (How To Change The World)
Good morning.
It’s a good morning today. An emotional type of morning. My days literally change from day to day. Yesterday was kind of blah. The day before (Valentine’s Day) was amazing.
This is a rewrite. Scratching my original entry. I feel like writing, but I just don’t feel like writing about my daily events in this entry. Suffice it so say on V-day, men from the past who I had told off (Almost One, Muse) reached out to me with sweet words, my New Boo asked me to be his valentine and blessed me with his kind, authentic, unassuming presence, sis got me some gifts and I felt really Loved. Yesterday I got my car oil changed, but had a hard time doing anything else, even though I had a lot of things I wanted to do. I laid on the bed most of the day instead.
And today?
I’m checking in before I head out for the day. It’s a social kind of day, but I’m not quite centered and don’t want to leave the house feeling this way.
Closing my eyes… I’ve got Love poems in me. This is an awesome day. I just saw a vision of me taking flowers out of my belly. I’m a bit excited about what might happen today… Thank you.
I keep sitting in front of this computer talking about change, kind of hiding out, but change is finding me nonetheless. I cast my will upon the world and it comes to pass. I’m not gonna lie. A part of me thinks it’s not fair. A part of me is afraid to go fishing, because I know I will catch exactly what I set out to get. It sounds arrogant, but it is my life experience. And even when I don’t cast my will intentionally, my life seems to reflect my unconscious feelings. I think everyone’s life is like that, to be honest. Some are just more aware of it than others…
So if I really cast my will out and go fishing for a husband, I’m going to get him?
-Yes
Is this blasphemy?
-Yes
But is it true?
-Yes. The question is, can you receive your answered prayer? Today? You see, you have been waiting for the future and the future, but the future never comes…
Today… If I went outside and met one who fit the mold completely, and he looked at my like New Boo looks at me… Wow. I would delay. I would say come back prince. Next month. I’ll be ready then.
If my producer called today and said, hey, the funding just cleared. I’m gonna cut you a check for 100 grand tomorrow, but you’re gonna have to quit your job and move out of state to shoot, I would think, “What? I just figured out the colors for my apartment.”
There would be dread instead of excitement, and I would say to myself, “What about in April? After Muse takes my pictures? How about we start life then? Or what about after I sort out my papers. It’s only taken me two years to get halfway through them. It will only be another two years. Then we can get things popping. LOL.
How do we get through these delay tactics? This holding off on our dreams come true. I think about Mr. Almost Famous and all the wonderful men that I’ve met on my journey. They meet wonderful women every day. The best in the world. They almost fall in love. Me too. But we delay. Next, month, we say. This particular feeling doesn’t fit with my program. I think about Dream Lover. We would have had two kids and a garden by now. He delayed. I delayed. We ran away instead of towards each other. Only to be faced with the same yearning again.
When will we just accept our dreams come true? There is no way we have to do it. Get the training before you go swim in the ocean or just jump in. Either way, you’re going to float.
Oh, my goodness. I have been delaying. And I’m glad I checked in this morning. “Just let yourself be happy,” he said. Let the dream be real now.
Let yourself be successful already. Just do it. Stop playing the beggar. Sto. Just stop playing small. You’re not. You’re over that part of your life. You’re happy already. No matter how you try to front, no one else but you sees that sad girl anymore. That’s why they don’t pity you. They see your strength. They see your beauty. They actually think you’re cool. They see your talent. And they think you are worth Loving. They want you, you see.
The world wants you to be a part of it. Even sitting in your room on this computer, Your dream come true has been reaching and reaching towards you, and you know that all you have to do is step outside. Get in touch and step outside! And miracles unfold. They will. They do. And they are. It is nothing to be ashamed of. You have told the world all your sad stories with pride. Why must you be ashamed to share the good news? It’s a part of it too.
The word for the day? Participate. Your higher vision is calling you. It is pulling you. No need to resist. It is there already, asking you only to take your hand off your face and share your smile boldly. Asking you only to share your dance instead of sitting in the room. Asking you only to hug someone instead of writing Love poems to yourself. Asking only that you finish things and share…
We step into our day, boldly. We step into our day knowing that we are on track. We are in alignment and from that space, there can be no harm. Yes, we allow with an open heart. Today. Today. Today. We can meet him today and we will follow him. Yes. We can be successful today and we will allow it. We can pick up and go today. We participate. With an open heart. With a frisky smile… Ameen.
Day 293
Participate
I’m having a bit of a moment. Left work early ‘cus I’m not feeling well. Unfinished business still unfinished. Want to finish it. Gonna do my best today.
Wrote a whole entry and now rewriting. I think this is what they call a bonafide nervous breakdown. Like, my nerves are breaking down. My head feels all disoriented. Hands are shaking and stuff.
Nothing big happened. Nothing much happened at all. I met a new guy. He probably won’t be “the one” but he did something to my nerves and my spirit and everything. He opened my eyes to a really big thing.
I was at an event earlier this week. It was at a hall at a shopping center. Me and my sis went. We were on our way to the hall and stopped to get something to eat at the shopping center. And there was this dude. Staring at me. I didn’t notice him, but my sis noticed him staring at me. “Do you know my sister?” she asked him. He walked over to me. Introduced himself. Asked me for my number. He looked so young and he thought I was his age. But I’m much older than him…
I gave him my number and he called me that night. He came to my job to see me the next day. He didn’t ask if I wanted to see him. He wanted to see me and so he came. I went for a walk with him and we talked about everything… That was yesterday.
And today I’m realizing that someone wants to Love me. And it’s all a bit overwhelming. And I’m realizing that it’s been a while since I’ve been on this side of the equation. The pursued. The wanted. The receiver of gifts. He saw the wrist brace on my arm and wanted to massage my hand for me. He asked about my favorite things. Do you know there are people I have known for years, men who claim to be head over heels in love with me, who still don’t know my favorite color? But he asked.
I haven’t been loved in a while. I haven’t been wanted in a while. I haven’t been cared for…
There are all kinds of wanting. This man looked at me like he wanted me, not like he wanted something from me. He just wanted me. Not in a lustful kind of way. In an innocent way. The way a kid just wants you around. And I felt the difference.
And it has my head spinning all over the place. Has me home from work today. It took a babe to make me see how unloved I have been. How unwanted. How un-treasured. It took a babe to remind me of what it looks like to be Loved.
It’s not like guys don’t like me. Some do. But it’s different. They like what I do for them. They don’t love me. They don’t think about what, if anything, they can do for me. They don’t ask how they can add value to my life. They may ask themselves what they need to do to get what they want from me, but it’s all the wrong question. This dude was asking how can he love me. Period. He was paying attention. He’s not even worried about what I can do for him…
Good day world. We are at the dawn of a new kind of living. Sometimes I feel sad about the kind of life I have been living before. This Cali part of my life has only been a small portion but it feels like I have been here in this wilderness for so long. I am so overdue for a good thing. I am so overdue for a kind exchange. I am so ready to be cared for. I am so ready to just be open and honest with people and share goodness.
Life is so short. God, Thank You. I feel like I’m in a whole new world. It’s a whole new world for real. There are all kinds of people in the world. Even nice people who won’t hurt you on purpose. There are people who come with offerings and don’t just look at you to see what they can get. There are forgiving people who don’t take themselves so serious. There are people who think that relationships are worth the work. There are people who say sorry and move on. There are people who Love to Love and who, even when they do go through a storm, keep their hearts open. There are wise people and smart people and people who know more than you and can help you. There are people who will receive your love with no questions asked and love you just the way you are.
It is such a small thing. A man looks at me and is interested in me. It happens every day, but the timing this time… I was starving and I didn’t even know it. And someone offered me food. Good food. Pure food. I don’t have to sell my soul for it. I just have to receive…
I am enlivened. There is hope. I am envigored. I am grateful.
Day 292
When Somebody Loves You
I worked on a case today (I work in a social services office). It was a lady . My same race. Ten years older than me. Homeless. Like I was. Income of $422 a month from food stamps and a welfare cash grant. She was sick and needed help.
I got stuck on the screen where we verify income. That was my income. Not too long ago. How did I survive? How do we survive? I had to breathe.
People are suffering.
I wrote her name down. I’ll call her V. I wanted to pray for her. Write a poem for her. Make everything better. She was single. No kids. Living alone. From another state.
I cried… For us. I know this wasn’t her dream. God bless her…
God bless us.
My friend called me lucky the other day. Because I have a place to live and a job and a car… And I didn’t think that I was, because I am so far away from where I want, but I was V not too long ago.
And I know how she feels. You can’t even think about dreams. You can’t even think about Love. You forget your smile. Chaos and conflict is the norm…
God bless us.
My storm is ending, but V still exists, and there are so many more in so many places. My soul cries out. What can be said? What can be done?
Why so much pain everywhere?
I sit still in my warm room on my computer. My ergonomic keyboard. I know I will eat tonight. It all seems so unfair. I know my dreams will come true, but it all seems so unfair. It seems unfair that I am lucky, while V suffers ten years into my future.
It seems unfair that some people’s dreams don’t come true. But who am I to judge?
Truth and belief are not the same thing. The more I learn, the less I know about Truth. The truth is, I don’t know why we suffer so much. I don’t know people can’t just get along and why so many good intentions go unfulfilled. Everyone has an explanation and a remedy, but I don’t know why, with all the explanations and all the remedies that we have, there are still so many suffering…
I digress. My heart is just hurting a little, though. Just a little. I made it through, but I know people, people close to me, who are still battling. Depression. Mental disorders. Loneliness. Not able to pay for basics. Living so hard. Losing their smiles. Smart people. Talented people. Good people…
I know, I am just looking for something to cry about. I just need to cry tonight. Even for myself. I just need to give it one more good cry. All the people I’ve loved. All the ones who’ve loved me. Gone. Aborted relationships. Miscarried. All the unkept promises. Gone. All the past. The suffering and struggling. Gone.
I don’t want to call myself lucky, God, because then it means that I have something special that the others don’t have, and it means they won’t make it through. Can we all be lucky? Can we all just make it through?
Don’t dwell too long in the darkness, You say.
-But the darkness is everywhere.
As is the Light… The answers will come in due time, and the unraveling of all that was once believed is the entry way to Truth.
Your life is no small thing. Your Lives are no small things. Insignificant but meaningful just the same. Every awakening matters. Every dream come true matters. Every Life matters. You are back to being connected. Her suffering is your own, and yes, there is so much suffering. But there is so much Light as well.
-God, I want to be all that I am here to be. I want my life to be all that it was made to be. I’m OK, aren’t I? I’m OK and I can do things now, can’t I? I am so grateful. You have no idea. The prison I have been in for so long… It’s gone. I can think again. What is this I’m becoming?
You are becoming free.
-God Bless us. God Bless us all.
Day 291
Free
Unfinished business on the mind. So much unfinished business.
My mind has been hazy for a while. Frustrated. Nothing in particular. Just so much to do. Seems like it will never get done. Wish I was already there, you know. Finished. The to do list never seems to end.
Wish I was already there. Don’t even know what that thought feels like. It’s little things. A closet full of old papers. Floors that need a good scrubbing and blessing. Debts that need to be paid. Dishes in the sink. Dirty clothes. A man that needs to be found. Writing projects that need to be out in the world. Nails that need to be filed and new shoes that need to be bought. A good foot soak followed up with deep moisturizing… Things that need to be done. Some sort of employment that pays enough for me to move forward financially instead of just getting by. Things that never seem to be finished…
I think about them all day long. One or the other. I am always working on them. I don’t remember a time when I wasn’t. It was too long ago, in my other life before Cali.
This unfinished business is making me sick. I want to cuss it out and be done with it already. Exes that linger in my spirit that I never seem to be able to quite get over. I want to be done with it.
When does it end, God? What is wrong with me? Why can’t I finish this stuff so that my mind can be at peace? So that I can actually sit down with some free space and think for once, how shall I live today?
I try to get things done and then my energy runs out, like I’m walking in quicksand. I come to the edge of completing something and all my efforts are suddenly thwarted and my dream come true dissipates right in front of my eyes just like that.
And I feel so helpless. And pitiful. And powerless. I know what to do and I set all kinds of intentions and when it comes time to work, I am exhausted and all I can do is sleep. I am so tired these days. And I am tired of being tired.
Help me, please. Help me, God. This way of life will no longer do. It is so dry. So desperate. So lacking in passion and joy. It just won’t do any more. I remember a time when I used to be able to stay up all night working on things and I used to get things done. What happened to me? Why do I feel so weak and powerless these days? Why am I so unable to finish things???
I am asking the wrong questions, You say. There will be no pity party tonight.
-Help me, please.
Tonight We work… Tonight We work harder… Yes, Our life depends on it. Really. Enough imagining. Enough planning. Enough talking. You do not doubt that you will have all your dreams come true. You fear it. You fear the completion because what will you do next. Your to-do list has given you a sense of purpose all this time, but shall you complete it, what will you do next?
What will you do if you save a village overseas? What will you do once your projects are accepted by the world. What will you do when all your debts are paid and you no longer need to work? And, oh, what will you do once you find a man to love? What will you do once the struggle, the journey, is over?These are the questions you have been avoiding. This is the source of your apathy.
-I am afraid. But what can I do about it?
Outside in is your medicine this time. Completions. Finish everything you can. Push. Your. Self until your energy is gone for true. This is your initiation. Sometimes the answers come and you work from there, but sometimes you need to work and through your action clarity is gained.
It is your time to act. You will be afraid. Your body will resist. Things will fall apart. Act anyway. We have been here before, only now We are crossing over to a deeper truth, a deeper experience, a way of life that We have barely even dared to dream of. And We are ready, you know. You know you are ready.
Let us walk in spite of the fear. Let us walk in spite of the demons. They are only demons. You must pass through them to get to your destination. You must see them for what they are and See Me for what I AM. See Me for what I AM. See yourself for what you are. Powerful. Even now. Blessed. Even now. Full of life. Even now. Even in your weakest moments. Full of life even in your weakest moments. Know that I planted no dream in you that can not be fulfilled. None. Know the Truth.
There is a way through this time and it is easier than you can imagine. But you have to walk. You have to keep walking. You have to give your all, your All All, until you can give no more. Give now.
-“I know you’ve got a little life in you left.”
Give now. Give today. Now. Before you sleep. Give more! Now. Let all the pity party thoughts come, but give your Self to save your life. Give your Self to live your life. Give now and let’s be free…
Day 290
Unfinished Business (Give)
Well well well… It’s been a while. I’m at home. Off work. Head hurting slightly. Candle burning. Alone with my thoughts for a while.
It’s been a while. Not that long, but ages seem to go by when I don’t check in. I’m closing my eyes.
It’s been a while…
Those are the words going through my head. Those are the words that my coworker told me today. The former doctor. He came and sat by my desk. He wanted to share with me. He feels comfortable sharing with me… He had had the flu for some time and is just getting better, and he told me that today he felt the wind on his skin. It had been a while. Ten years to be exact. He told me that it had been ten years since he had felt like himself. Ten years that he had been trying to see the colors the way he used to. Ten years that he had been looking for his smile. He told me that two days ago, after recovering from the flu, he felt the sun on his face for the first time in ten years…
It’s been a while. Years. Since I’ve had it together. I know that somewhere in my mind there is a memory of me “having it together”. All the way. But it’s been a while, you know. I’ve finally been sorting through all the papers that have been stored in my closet. Letters that are seven years old and have never been opened. Time passes. It just does.
And one day you wake up and realize you haven’t felt the sun on your skin in ten years. I’m going to miss my coworker. He’s leaving this Friday.
Love has been calling me lately. Life has been whispering my name. It’s been a while. Come out, come out, You say. Let us paint again. For the first time. Let us paint a beautiful picture and call it life.
Doors have been closing. Mean things don’t interest. Selfish things don’t interest. Closed-up things don’t interest. Oh, pettiness and broken dreams. I’ve had enough.
Dreamers, it has been a while. Lovers. It has been too long. Do you ever get tired of yourself? Just the littleness. The fakeness. My soul cries out for real stuff now. Come out, It says. You know you are ready to Love that much. You are ready. Stop pretending that you have no power. You know you do. Stop pretending life is happening to you. It is not true. You are happening to life. With every thought. With every breath. With every action. You are creating that which you would experience,
And what would you have? It’s been a while. What would you have now? There is patience involved in this process. And there is this thing about not knowing, which is where so many mess up. There may be days when you will not know. What is coming next? Where will I live? How will I make a living? Will I ever find love? Where will I get a friend? Will the world accept my work? How, how, how, how, how will I get well? How will I get well? How will I get through this?
There will be times that we do not know what is to come. And I have no answer except to trust. In spite of all evidence, Trust that God is for you and not against you. And if you can’t believe in God, then believe in the Laws. There is no desire without an answer, and so if it is in you to Love, if you keep it in you, then Love you must one day. Smile you must. Share you must. Perhaps not now. Perhaps another life. Perhaps we must grow some more. Release some more. In the grand scheme of eternity, time never runs out.
It has been ten years since my coworker felt the wind on his skin, and it has been a while since I have felt the clarity that I am feeling write now. I wish that I could capture it in words, bottle it and keep it with me always. Everything is gonna be OK, you see. There is no more need for broken hearts and disappointments. There is no such thing. People come and go on their journeys and the question isn’t are they good or bad or nice or mean. It is not about blame. I have been asking the wrong question. You see, when you are building a life from scratch, the question starts with an intention. First, you decide what it is you would like to create and experience. Then you ask the question. Is this person/place/thing aligned with what I would like to experience?
And the answers become easy. You know where to work. You know who to date. You know when to say yes or no when you know who you are and what you want. And most importantly, you recognize when you have found what you are seeking. No manipulation necessary. No judgement of another’s journey necessary… The men have held me hostage for so long. Regrets, loss, pain, hope, tormenting my mind. They may go now. Live in peace. Be in peace, I say. I forgive you in Truth. I forgive you in Love. And I forgive me, even if you don’t.
Tarry no more in the depths of darkness and confusion. Our Soul cries out for Love alone and I must heed her call. At last.
Day 289
It’s Been A While (Tarry No More)
Good Morning Sweet World.
Yes, Sweet world. Another good waking up preceded by a challenging night. All I can say is praise God. Working wonders in my heart as I sleep.
Today is a beautiful day already. Last night I went and gave a gift to My Almost One. Well, I didn’t actually see him. I went to his house and dropped it off. To be quite honest, I didn’t want to see him but wanted to give him the gift. So, I got to his house and knocked on the door. Rang the doorbell. Usually I call him so he can come to the door ‘cus he doesn’t hear people knocking on the door. But I looked in my phone and realized I had deleted his number. Yikes. I left the gift under his doormat. It was a gift certificate for a place he likes to go.
As I was leaving, I realized that I had given him the last gift. It was over. I had done all I wanted to do for him. And I thought of the fact that I had thought of him as my husband once upon a time. Bought a new dress to impress him. Been excited about him. I thought of him. Alone. We had missed each other in passing. Truth be told I didn’t like him that much. He had a bad attitude and didn’t really contribute much on purpose. He was closed up and stingy with his giving. He didn’t try for love and it would take a really patient, thick-skinned woman to sit and wait for him to get over himself. She would have to ignore all the silly tests and games he would put her through. But I had loved him anyway. Because his heart spoke to mine. And his presence superseded any of his behavior issues. I could feel his kindness even though he tried to hide it…
I went to my car and cried. I was saying goodbye to yet another almost love. He didn’t know it, but I’m sure he knew it. And I knew what that gift meant. My last giving. My happy ending. Maybe he cared a little bit. Or maybe I was just another girl to him. Someone who’s name he would forget. I’ll allow for that possibility.
I came home and text chatted with my new Muse. We talked about reciprocity and how, more often than not, the giver in any particular relationship is not the receiver. How love tends to be one-sided. I thought about this and saw the pattern as true in my life, and so I decided to imagine. Again. I imagined reciprocity and it was such a weird thought for me.
I tried to see someone who I actually adored adoring me and it made me uncomfortable. I couldn’t stomach someone actually touching my face, holding me, giving me gifts that I like and need. I felt like running at the thought of someone that I thought the world of calling me beautiful and wanting to be in my presence. I mean, I was used to people I didn’t really want to be with saying these things to me. There was no danger there. But someone who actually made me nervous? That was a different feeling.
I went to sleep with that thought and I woke up feeling the fulfillment of that idea. Funny enough, I imagined my Muse giving to me. I had never really imagined him as a potential eligible. I mean, when I first saw him and his work online, I was smitten. But when he opened the door to get to know him on a personal level, I quickly put up my shield and decided I would just give to him. See what we do? I automatically found reasons to be uninterested in him romantically. But he crept into my dreams as I slept and I experienced giving and receiving kindness with him. At the same time. There was no cat and mouse chase. There was a sitting still. A grown-up-ness to the whole affair. I had to be vulnerable. He could see all my wounds and I had to let him. I had to sit there and offer my wounded self and pray that he would accept. And he did…
It was only a dream, but what a beautiful dream it was. What a realization. There is patience and vulnerability involved in this love thing. There is letting go of control. There is being kind on purpose and accepting others as they come. There’s this thing about accepting apologies even when they don’t come in the package you want them and there’s also this support thing. Just standing my someone’s side when you know they’re trying instead of putting them down.
We grow up thinking it is such and honor to be a giver. I’m gonna save the world, we say. It takes so much more humility to receive. We get cats and babies and stuff so we can feel safe. And that’s fine. But I imagine that receiving from one who makes us feel vulnerable is a whole other ballgame. What would it be like to say, Yes, I need you, too. Yes, I need to be saved, too. Yes. You may Love me, too.
Day 288
Reciprocity (Vulnerability)
