Good morning.
It’s a good morning today. An emotional type of morning. My days literally change from day to day. Yesterday was kind of blah. The day before (Valentine’s Day) was amazing.
This is a rewrite. Scratching my original entry. I feel like writing, but I just don’t feel like writing about my daily events in this entry. Suffice it so say on V-day, men from the past who I had told off (Almost One, Muse) reached out to me with sweet words, my New Boo asked me to be his valentine and blessed me with his kind, authentic, unassuming presence, sis got me some gifts and I felt really Loved. Yesterday I got my car oil changed, but had a hard time doing anything else, even though I had a lot of things I wanted to do. I laid on the bed most of the day instead.
And today?
I’m checking in before I head out for the day. It’s a social kind of day, but I’m not quite centered and don’t want to leave the house feeling this way.
Closing my eyes… I’ve got Love poems in me. This is an awesome day. I just saw a vision of me taking flowers out of my belly. I’m a bit excited about what might happen today… Thank you.
I keep sitting in front of this computer talking about change, kind of hiding out, but change is finding me nonetheless. I cast my will upon the world and it comes to pass. I’m not gonna lie. A part of me thinks it’s not fair. A part of me is afraid to go fishing, because I know I will catch exactly what I set out to get. It sounds arrogant, but it is my life experience. And even when I don’t cast my will intentionally, my life seems to reflect my unconscious feelings. I think everyone’s life is like that, to be honest. Some are just more aware of it than others…
So if I really cast my will out and go fishing for a husband, I’m going to get him?
-Yes
Is this blasphemy?
-Yes
But is it true?
-Yes. The question is, can you receive your answered prayer? Today? You see, you have been waiting for the future and the future, but the future never comes…
Today… If I went outside and met one who fit the mold completely, and he looked at my like New Boo looks at me… Wow. I would delay. I would say come back prince. Next month. I’ll be ready then.
If my producer called today and said, hey, the funding just cleared. I’m gonna cut you a check for 100 grand tomorrow, but you’re gonna have to quit your job and move out of state to shoot, I would think, “What? I just figured out the colors for my apartment.”
There would be dread instead of excitement, and I would say to myself, “What about in April? After Muse takes my pictures? How about we start life then? Or what about after I sort out my papers. It’s only taken me two years to get halfway through them. It will only be another two years. Then we can get things popping. LOL.
How do we get through these delay tactics? This holding off on our dreams come true. I think about Mr. Almost Famous and all the wonderful men that I’ve met on my journey. They meet wonderful women every day. The best in the world. They almost fall in love. Me too. But we delay. Next, month, we say. This particular feeling doesn’t fit with my program. I think about Dream Lover. We would have had two kids and a garden by now. He delayed. I delayed. We ran away instead of towards each other. Only to be faced with the same yearning again.
When will we just accept our dreams come true? There is no way we have to do it. Get the training before you go swim in the ocean or just jump in. Either way, you’re going to float.
Oh, my goodness. I have been delaying. And I’m glad I checked in this morning. “Just let yourself be happy,” he said. Let the dream be real now.
Let yourself be successful already. Just do it. Stop playing the beggar. Sto. Just stop playing small. You’re not. You’re over that part of your life. You’re happy already. No matter how you try to front, no one else but you sees that sad girl anymore. That’s why they don’t pity you. They see your strength. They see your beauty. They actually think you’re cool. They see your talent. And they think you are worth Loving. They want you, you see.
The world wants you to be a part of it. Even sitting in your room on this computer, Your dream come true has been reaching and reaching towards you, and you know that all you have to do is step outside. Get in touch and step outside! And miracles unfold. They will. They do. And they are. It is nothing to be ashamed of. You have told the world all your sad stories with pride. Why must you be ashamed to share the good news? It’s a part of it too.
The word for the day? Participate. Your higher vision is calling you. It is pulling you. No need to resist. It is there already, asking you only to take your hand off your face and share your smile boldly. Asking you only to share your dance instead of sitting in the room. Asking you only to hug someone instead of writing Love poems to yourself. Asking only that you finish things and share…
We step into our day, boldly. We step into our day knowing that we are on track. We are in alignment and from that space, there can be no harm. Yes, we allow with an open heart. Today. Today. Today. We can meet him today and we will follow him. Yes. We can be successful today and we will allow it. We can pick up and go today. We participate. With an open heart. With a frisky smile… Ameen.
Day 293
Participate
I’m having a bit of a moment. Left work early ‘cus I’m not feeling well. Unfinished business still unfinished. Want to finish it. Gonna do my best today.
Wrote a whole entry and now rewriting. I think this is what they call a bonafide nervous breakdown. Like, my nerves are breaking down. My head feels all disoriented. Hands are shaking and stuff.
Nothing big happened. Nothing much happened at all. I met a new guy. He probably won’t be “the one” but he did something to my nerves and my spirit and everything. He opened my eyes to a really big thing.
I was at an event earlier this week. It was at a hall at a shopping center. Me and my sis went. We were on our way to the hall and stopped to get something to eat at the shopping center. And there was this dude. Staring at me. I didn’t notice him, but my sis noticed him staring at me. “Do you know my sister?” she asked him. He walked over to me. Introduced himself. Asked me for my number. He looked so young and he thought I was his age. But I’m much older than him…
I gave him my number and he called me that night. He came to my job to see me the next day. He didn’t ask if I wanted to see him. He wanted to see me and so he came. I went for a walk with him and we talked about everything… That was yesterday.
And today I’m realizing that someone wants to Love me. And it’s all a bit overwhelming. And I’m realizing that it’s been a while since I’ve been on this side of the equation. The pursued. The wanted. The receiver of gifts. He saw the wrist brace on my arm and wanted to massage my hand for me. He asked about my favorite things. Do you know there are people I have known for years, men who claim to be head over heels in love with me, who still don’t know my favorite color? But he asked.
I haven’t been loved in a while. I haven’t been wanted in a while. I haven’t been cared for…
There are all kinds of wanting. This man looked at me like he wanted me, not like he wanted something from me. He just wanted me. Not in a lustful kind of way. In an innocent way. The way a kid just wants you around. And I felt the difference.
And it has my head spinning all over the place. Has me home from work today. It took a babe to make me see how unloved I have been. How unwanted. How un-treasured. It took a babe to remind me of what it looks like to be Loved.
It’s not like guys don’t like me. Some do. But it’s different. They like what I do for them. They don’t love me. They don’t think about what, if anything, they can do for me. They don’t ask how they can add value to my life. They may ask themselves what they need to do to get what they want from me, but it’s all the wrong question. This dude was asking how can he love me. Period. He was paying attention. He’s not even worried about what I can do for him…
Good day world. We are at the dawn of a new kind of living. Sometimes I feel sad about the kind of life I have been living before. This Cali part of my life has only been a small portion but it feels like I have been here in this wilderness for so long. I am so overdue for a good thing. I am so overdue for a kind exchange. I am so ready to be cared for. I am so ready to just be open and honest with people and share goodness.
Life is so short. God, Thank You. I feel like I’m in a whole new world. It’s a whole new world for real. There are all kinds of people in the world. Even nice people who won’t hurt you on purpose. There are people who come with offerings and don’t just look at you to see what they can get. There are forgiving people who don’t take themselves so serious. There are people who think that relationships are worth the work. There are people who say sorry and move on. There are people who Love to Love and who, even when they do go through a storm, keep their hearts open. There are wise people and smart people and people who know more than you and can help you. There are people who will receive your love with no questions asked and love you just the way you are.
It is such a small thing. A man looks at me and is interested in me. It happens every day, but the timing this time… I was starving and I didn’t even know it. And someone offered me food. Good food. Pure food. I don’t have to sell my soul for it. I just have to receive…
I am enlivened. There is hope. I am envigored. I am grateful.
Day 292
When Somebody Loves You
I worked on a case today (I work in a social services office). It was a lady . My same race. Ten years older than me. Homeless. Like I was. Income of $422 a month from food stamps and a welfare cash grant. She was sick and needed help.
I got stuck on the screen where we verify income. That was my income. Not too long ago. How did I survive? How do we survive? I had to breathe.
People are suffering.
I wrote her name down. I’ll call her V. I wanted to pray for her. Write a poem for her. Make everything better. She was single. No kids. Living alone. From another state.
I cried… For us. I know this wasn’t her dream. God bless her…
God bless us.
My friend called me lucky the other day. Because I have a place to live and a job and a car… And I didn’t think that I was, because I am so far away from where I want, but I was V not too long ago.
And I know how she feels. You can’t even think about dreams. You can’t even think about Love. You forget your smile. Chaos and conflict is the norm…
God bless us.
My storm is ending, but V still exists, and there are so many more in so many places. My soul cries out. What can be said? What can be done?
Why so much pain everywhere?
I sit still in my warm room on my computer. My ergonomic keyboard. I know I will eat tonight. It all seems so unfair. I know my dreams will come true, but it all seems so unfair. It seems unfair that I am lucky, while V suffers ten years into my future.
It seems unfair that some people’s dreams don’t come true. But who am I to judge?
Truth and belief are not the same thing. The more I learn, the less I know about Truth. The truth is, I don’t know why we suffer so much. I don’t know people can’t just get along and why so many good intentions go unfulfilled. Everyone has an explanation and a remedy, but I don’t know why, with all the explanations and all the remedies that we have, there are still so many suffering…
I digress. My heart is just hurting a little, though. Just a little. I made it through, but I know people, people close to me, who are still battling. Depression. Mental disorders. Loneliness. Not able to pay for basics. Living so hard. Losing their smiles. Smart people. Talented people. Good people…
I know, I am just looking for something to cry about. I just need to cry tonight. Even for myself. I just need to give it one more good cry. All the people I’ve loved. All the ones who’ve loved me. Gone. Aborted relationships. Miscarried. All the unkept promises. Gone. All the past. The suffering and struggling. Gone.
I don’t want to call myself lucky, God, because then it means that I have something special that the others don’t have, and it means they won’t make it through. Can we all be lucky? Can we all just make it through?
Don’t dwell too long in the darkness, You say.
-But the darkness is everywhere.
As is the Light… The answers will come in due time, and the unraveling of all that was once believed is the entry way to Truth.
Your life is no small thing. Your Lives are no small things. Insignificant but meaningful just the same. Every awakening matters. Every dream come true matters. Every Life matters. You are back to being connected. Her suffering is your own, and yes, there is so much suffering. But there is so much Light as well.
-God, I want to be all that I am here to be. I want my life to be all that it was made to be. I’m OK, aren’t I? I’m OK and I can do things now, can’t I? I am so grateful. You have no idea. The prison I have been in for so long… It’s gone. I can think again. What is this I’m becoming?
You are becoming free.
-God Bless us. God Bless us all.
Day 291
Free
Unfinished business on the mind. So much unfinished business.
My mind has been hazy for a while. Frustrated. Nothing in particular. Just so much to do. Seems like it will never get done. Wish I was already there, you know. Finished. The to do list never seems to end.
Wish I was already there. Don’t even know what that thought feels like. It’s little things. A closet full of old papers. Floors that need a good scrubbing and blessing. Debts that need to be paid. Dishes in the sink. Dirty clothes. A man that needs to be found. Writing projects that need to be out in the world. Nails that need to be filed and new shoes that need to be bought. A good foot soak followed up with deep moisturizing… Things that need to be done. Some sort of employment that pays enough for me to move forward financially instead of just getting by. Things that never seem to be finished…
I think about them all day long. One or the other. I am always working on them. I don’t remember a time when I wasn’t. It was too long ago, in my other life before Cali.
This unfinished business is making me sick. I want to cuss it out and be done with it already. Exes that linger in my spirit that I never seem to be able to quite get over. I want to be done with it.
When does it end, God? What is wrong with me? Why can’t I finish this stuff so that my mind can be at peace? So that I can actually sit down with some free space and think for once, how shall I live today?
I try to get things done and then my energy runs out, like I’m walking in quicksand. I come to the edge of completing something and all my efforts are suddenly thwarted and my dream come true dissipates right in front of my eyes just like that.
And I feel so helpless. And pitiful. And powerless. I know what to do and I set all kinds of intentions and when it comes time to work, I am exhausted and all I can do is sleep. I am so tired these days. And I am tired of being tired.
Help me, please. Help me, God. This way of life will no longer do. It is so dry. So desperate. So lacking in passion and joy. It just won’t do any more. I remember a time when I used to be able to stay up all night working on things and I used to get things done. What happened to me? Why do I feel so weak and powerless these days? Why am I so unable to finish things???
I am asking the wrong questions, You say. There will be no pity party tonight.
-Help me, please.
Tonight We work… Tonight We work harder… Yes, Our life depends on it. Really. Enough imagining. Enough planning. Enough talking. You do not doubt that you will have all your dreams come true. You fear it. You fear the completion because what will you do next. Your to-do list has given you a sense of purpose all this time, but shall you complete it, what will you do next?
What will you do if you save a village overseas? What will you do once your projects are accepted by the world. What will you do when all your debts are paid and you no longer need to work? And, oh, what will you do once you find a man to love? What will you do once the struggle, the journey, is over?These are the questions you have been avoiding. This is the source of your apathy.
-I am afraid. But what can I do about it?
Outside in is your medicine this time. Completions. Finish everything you can. Push. Your. Self until your energy is gone for true. This is your initiation. Sometimes the answers come and you work from there, but sometimes you need to work and through your action clarity is gained.
It is your time to act. You will be afraid. Your body will resist. Things will fall apart. Act anyway. We have been here before, only now We are crossing over to a deeper truth, a deeper experience, a way of life that We have barely even dared to dream of. And We are ready, you know. You know you are ready.
Let us walk in spite of the fear. Let us walk in spite of the demons. They are only demons. You must pass through them to get to your destination. You must see them for what they are and See Me for what I AM. See Me for what I AM. See yourself for what you are. Powerful. Even now. Blessed. Even now. Full of life. Even now. Even in your weakest moments. Full of life even in your weakest moments. Know that I planted no dream in you that can not be fulfilled. None. Know the Truth.
There is a way through this time and it is easier than you can imagine. But you have to walk. You have to keep walking. You have to give your all, your All All, until you can give no more. Give now.
-“I know you’ve got a little life in you left.”
Give now. Give today. Now. Before you sleep. Give more! Now. Let all the pity party thoughts come, but give your Self to save your life. Give your Self to live your life. Give now and let’s be free…
Day 290
Unfinished Business (Give)
Well well well… It’s been a while. I’m at home. Off work. Head hurting slightly. Candle burning. Alone with my thoughts for a while.
It’s been a while. Not that long, but ages seem to go by when I don’t check in. I’m closing my eyes.
It’s been a while…
Those are the words going through my head. Those are the words that my coworker told me today. The former doctor. He came and sat by my desk. He wanted to share with me. He feels comfortable sharing with me… He had had the flu for some time and is just getting better, and he told me that today he felt the wind on his skin. It had been a while. Ten years to be exact. He told me that it had been ten years since he had felt like himself. Ten years that he had been trying to see the colors the way he used to. Ten years that he had been looking for his smile. He told me that two days ago, after recovering from the flu, he felt the sun on his face for the first time in ten years…
It’s been a while. Years. Since I’ve had it together. I know that somewhere in my mind there is a memory of me “having it together”. All the way. But it’s been a while, you know. I’ve finally been sorting through all the papers that have been stored in my closet. Letters that are seven years old and have never been opened. Time passes. It just does.
And one day you wake up and realize you haven’t felt the sun on your skin in ten years. I’m going to miss my coworker. He’s leaving this Friday.
Love has been calling me lately. Life has been whispering my name. It’s been a while. Come out, come out, You say. Let us paint again. For the first time. Let us paint a beautiful picture and call it life.
Doors have been closing. Mean things don’t interest. Selfish things don’t interest. Closed-up things don’t interest. Oh, pettiness and broken dreams. I’ve had enough.
Dreamers, it has been a while. Lovers. It has been too long. Do you ever get tired of yourself? Just the littleness. The fakeness. My soul cries out for real stuff now. Come out, It says. You know you are ready to Love that much. You are ready. Stop pretending that you have no power. You know you do. Stop pretending life is happening to you. It is not true. You are happening to life. With every thought. With every breath. With every action. You are creating that which you would experience,
And what would you have? It’s been a while. What would you have now? There is patience involved in this process. And there is this thing about not knowing, which is where so many mess up. There may be days when you will not know. What is coming next? Where will I live? How will I make a living? Will I ever find love? Where will I get a friend? Will the world accept my work? How, how, how, how, how will I get well? How will I get well? How will I get through this?
There will be times that we do not know what is to come. And I have no answer except to trust. In spite of all evidence, Trust that God is for you and not against you. And if you can’t believe in God, then believe in the Laws. There is no desire without an answer, and so if it is in you to Love, if you keep it in you, then Love you must one day. Smile you must. Share you must. Perhaps not now. Perhaps another life. Perhaps we must grow some more. Release some more. In the grand scheme of eternity, time never runs out.
It has been ten years since my coworker felt the wind on his skin, and it has been a while since I have felt the clarity that I am feeling write now. I wish that I could capture it in words, bottle it and keep it with me always. Everything is gonna be OK, you see. There is no more need for broken hearts and disappointments. There is no such thing. People come and go on their journeys and the question isn’t are they good or bad or nice or mean. It is not about blame. I have been asking the wrong question. You see, when you are building a life from scratch, the question starts with an intention. First, you decide what it is you would like to create and experience. Then you ask the question. Is this person/place/thing aligned with what I would like to experience?
And the answers become easy. You know where to work. You know who to date. You know when to say yes or no when you know who you are and what you want. And most importantly, you recognize when you have found what you are seeking. No manipulation necessary. No judgement of another’s journey necessary… The men have held me hostage for so long. Regrets, loss, pain, hope, tormenting my mind. They may go now. Live in peace. Be in peace, I say. I forgive you in Truth. I forgive you in Love. And I forgive me, even if you don’t.
Tarry no more in the depths of darkness and confusion. Our Soul cries out for Love alone and I must heed her call. At last.
Day 289
It’s Been A While (Tarry No More)
Good Morning Sweet World.
Yes, Sweet world. Another good waking up preceded by a challenging night. All I can say is praise God. Working wonders in my heart as I sleep.
Today is a beautiful day already. Last night I went and gave a gift to My Almost One. Well, I didn’t actually see him. I went to his house and dropped it off. To be quite honest, I didn’t want to see him but wanted to give him the gift. So, I got to his house and knocked on the door. Rang the doorbell. Usually I call him so he can come to the door ‘cus he doesn’t hear people knocking on the door. But I looked in my phone and realized I had deleted his number. Yikes. I left the gift under his doormat. It was a gift certificate for a place he likes to go.
As I was leaving, I realized that I had given him the last gift. It was over. I had done all I wanted to do for him. And I thought of the fact that I had thought of him as my husband once upon a time. Bought a new dress to impress him. Been excited about him. I thought of him. Alone. We had missed each other in passing. Truth be told I didn’t like him that much. He had a bad attitude and didn’t really contribute much on purpose. He was closed up and stingy with his giving. He didn’t try for love and it would take a really patient, thick-skinned woman to sit and wait for him to get over himself. She would have to ignore all the silly tests and games he would put her through. But I had loved him anyway. Because his heart spoke to mine. And his presence superseded any of his behavior issues. I could feel his kindness even though he tried to hide it…
I went to my car and cried. I was saying goodbye to yet another almost love. He didn’t know it, but I’m sure he knew it. And I knew what that gift meant. My last giving. My happy ending. Maybe he cared a little bit. Or maybe I was just another girl to him. Someone who’s name he would forget. I’ll allow for that possibility.
I came home and text chatted with my new Muse. We talked about reciprocity and how, more often than not, the giver in any particular relationship is not the receiver. How love tends to be one-sided. I thought about this and saw the pattern as true in my life, and so I decided to imagine. Again. I imagined reciprocity and it was such a weird thought for me.
I tried to see someone who I actually adored adoring me and it made me uncomfortable. I couldn’t stomach someone actually touching my face, holding me, giving me gifts that I like and need. I felt like running at the thought of someone that I thought the world of calling me beautiful and wanting to be in my presence. I mean, I was used to people I didn’t really want to be with saying these things to me. There was no danger there. But someone who actually made me nervous? That was a different feeling.
I went to sleep with that thought and I woke up feeling the fulfillment of that idea. Funny enough, I imagined my Muse giving to me. I had never really imagined him as a potential eligible. I mean, when I first saw him and his work online, I was smitten. But when he opened the door to get to know him on a personal level, I quickly put up my shield and decided I would just give to him. See what we do? I automatically found reasons to be uninterested in him romantically. But he crept into my dreams as I slept and I experienced giving and receiving kindness with him. At the same time. There was no cat and mouse chase. There was a sitting still. A grown-up-ness to the whole affair. I had to be vulnerable. He could see all my wounds and I had to let him. I had to sit there and offer my wounded self and pray that he would accept. And he did…
It was only a dream, but what a beautiful dream it was. What a realization. There is patience and vulnerability involved in this love thing. There is letting go of control. There is being kind on purpose and accepting others as they come. There’s this thing about accepting apologies even when they don’t come in the package you want them and there’s also this support thing. Just standing my someone’s side when you know they’re trying instead of putting them down.
We grow up thinking it is such and honor to be a giver. I’m gonna save the world, we say. It takes so much more humility to receive. We get cats and babies and stuff so we can feel safe. And that’s fine. But I imagine that receiving from one who makes us feel vulnerable is a whole other ballgame. What would it be like to say, Yes, I need you, too. Yes, I need to be saved, too. Yes. You may Love me, too.
Day 288
Reciprocity (Vulnerability)
Good morning.
It’s a good day. My favorite kind of day. I’m off work. Got to spend hours praying, meditating, stretching and reading. I could literally spend all day praying, meditating and reading. Some of my favorite things to do.
I think I love meditating so much because I get to go on trips in my mind. There is this theory floating around in the world that says if you can imagine a thing, you can be it. I’m not sure how much of an advocate I am. I know that just because I may be able to imagine myself flying out of my window doesn’t mean that it can or will ever happen, but there are some things that I like to imagine that just don’t seem that impossible. Like Love. And Success. And Joy.
Today I spent time seeing what those things mean to me at this point in my life. And I am thankful to even have the time to sit down and think about those things, because everyone doesn’t get to sit down and go so deep. It’s easy to get caught up in the “to-do” list of life. Trust me, I know. And so I thank You, Creator, for allowing me a moment to connect and see what’s really next, not just how I can pay bills or stay afloat or stop from crying.
We are past that stage. Congratulations. We have finally been able to pay our bills. We have managed to go many months without feeling victimized or too depressed. Even when we cry it just doesn’t feel as permanent as it used to. Crying just feels like a bath these days, and sadness doesn’t have such a deep hold on our souls like it used to.
And so Laydie it is time to move on to other things. The Creation part. I know, we didn’t think we were fit for some time. Right? We thought we were too messed up and too sad and too everything and not worthy to actually sit there and speak a thing and think a thing and try to make it our lives. We thought that no guy would actually ever love us. I mean, at least no guy that we actually wanted to be with. We thought that our dream life was just some dream to keep us entertained, not something that was supposed to really be real.
And this morning, We, I, me and my Higher Self, are thinking other thoughts. Like the dreams aren’t just there to be dreamed. They are there to be realized. And we sat down and imagined what life would look like were the dreams my life. And the wonderful, wonderful thing is that it seemed possible. It didn’t seem like flying out of my window. My dreams seemed possible for me. I felt qualified to live the life I have only ever dared to imagine.
I think I have cried enough. I have suffered enough. I have paid my dues. I understand some things now. I am powerful. Yes, I said it. I am powerful. We all are, whether we acknowledge it or not. We all create our lives, whether we do so on purpose or not. Our lack of creation and intention leaves us to be victims of the creation and the path that we are born into. But we can change things.
We can.
It is the beautiful gift of free will. We can set an intention. A small intention like Love. Or Patience. Or we can decide to be giving and stop hoarding our gifts. We can allow vulnerability into our hearts. We can change things, you know…
Sometimes I write a post like this and I get anxiety because I feel so good and then when I walk out into the world I realize that I don’t know what the future holds. I don’t know how people will respond to me. I don’t know if I’ll ever find a man who Loves me just as much as I Love him. I don’t know if I’ll ever be successful. I don’t even know if I’ll live until tomorrow. And all of these theories about creation sound nice, but what if they aren’t true?
Then my other mind says, what if they are? What if they are? We are here now anyway. We are alive today anyway. Aren’t you tired of living a sad life? Aren’t you tired of just getting by? Aren’t you tired of not having outlets to share and express all the love and goodness in you? Aren’t you tired of being so alone? I mean, whether or not whatever theory is true, the truth is that sleeping in peace at night is important to me. Happiness is important to me.
I am no longer a reactionary being running away from my pain. Living a good life is important to me. So let’s start now. Creation time. We already saw the vision. Time to act.
Day 287
Creation Time
My world is changing and I am trying to stay still.
It’s been five months since I started my new job. It went by so quick. The first time in my entire life that I had worked with such a large group of people and liked so many of them so much. A bunch of misfits we were, all starting new after some hard times in our lives. We had a doctor, a forensic anthropologist, musicians, a chef, a fashion designer… We had former teachers and immigrants all looking for something stable. And we met at our good government job and had a good time rebuilding our lives together.
And now our good government job is changing. And our group is getting sent out to different locations. Torn apart. Today a large number of my work friends got reassigned. I am one of the last people remaining at our original location, but my friends aren’t there anymore…
The world around me is changing and I am trying to stay still… My sister is getting married and we became permanent employees at my job. People are approaching me for film work again. My heart is feeling things again. Yearning to love and be loved.
And I had just gotten used to stability. I had just gotten used to things being relatively the same every day. I saw my work boo at a general staff meeting earlier this week. He had been shipped off to another location about a month ago. I missed his kind eyes so much. We had had so much fun together with our talks and jokes.
What will I do now, God? The seasons are changing, and as much as I would like to sit still, I know that I can’t. This has been such a good few months, though. Easy. Very little drama relatively speaking. Enough food. Kind moments. A heater and hot water. Who ever would have thought that I would be grateful for a heater and hot water, but I am.
I know life is opening up to bigger things and this is the reason why people don’t change. My little life these past few months has been nice. I mean, little hiccups here and there, but nice overall.
I have had thoughts and experiences that I haven’t had in years. Hanging out with friends and stuff. Finishing projects. I even got back in the world and tried loving somebody. It didn’t work out, but it didn’t break me, and that’s a good thing because I can be so fragile sometimes.
And now You tell me on to the next, but I don’t know what the next is. Who will receive all this love in me? Who will give my heart a home at last? Where will I live? Where will I work? My job just made me permanent. Should I just stay here and work my way to the top? What about the international heal the world project? You actually have to be there, present, with the people overseas in order to effectively start a project…
I am Fräulein Maria in the Sound of Music, seeking the courage I lack. You tell me to write my heart out, and I am afraid. I know I will be successful, but I am afraid of all this potential change. Why? Because I’ve just gotten comfortable. I just figured out the colors for my apartment. I just put a new calendar up at my desk at work…
I am closing my eyes… God of small things and big things and everything, I come to you in this moment of fear. Not knowing who You are or who I am in Truth, I come to You. I come to You. I come to You. i am a child right now. Afraid. Wanting something to hold on to. Anything good. I have hurt too much and I don’t want to hurt anymore. I am here seeking Your Guidance…
Something my internet friend was saying to me the other day just came to mind. About walls. Letting them down. Seeing how I have had barriers to receiving Love. Oh, I’m so good at giving, but I block when it’s time to receive. I’m letting them down, Lord. I imagined Mr. Almost Famous just giving me something. He is one of the few men who I truly trust in this world, and I have even blocked so much of his Love…
Guide me into this new place. I do not trust my mind any more. Allow me to see with new eyes, with open eyes, past the clouds. Laying down armor and masks. Laying down swords. Laying down the need to always know.
Change is at my doorstep and I have been sitting inside where it is safe. You tell me that I am in a new world now and I can come out and play now. Take my hand, please. I am so powerless. “You are safe,” You tell me, but I don’t believe it. There are monsters and disappointments out there. “You are kind,” You tell me, but I do not believe that I am kind enough.
-All the things I’ve given you are yours to have and then some.
They are so much.
-Choose your life. The life you know is yours. More magical in fact than you have dreamed. Choose it now. The change is here. Delay no more. Choose Your self in all your splendour. In all your Love and beauty. Choose to give all your Gifts. Choose it now. OK? It is okay to change. A shield of light I give you. A shield of light as you walk into dark places. Be encouraged. You have learned much. You have grown much. Yes, many don’t, but you have. You have grown tremendously. So much so that you can be your true self in the world and the world will be better for it. And you will be better for it. You are ready now. Yes You. Come back now. Take your place. Your True place. Come back.
Day 286
Come Back To The World
What is it that I’m not giving to the world, I asked.
Your brilliance, she responded.
This is what my new best friend told me in my dream this morning. My new best friend. I have one. A female like me. My people. Good and weird and smart and beautiful and flawed. She prays. She’s not a hater. Her people are from the country right next door to my people’s country. I can’t tell you how ecstatic I am. I have a friend in the flesh. Here where I am. That I can go places with.
And I am thinking, how about I try being ecstatic about my day today? Just for the heck of it. Let us imagine that there is something good to be given and received in this day. We can do this, regardless of what we are feeling.
The sadness is almost all gone and all that is left is the residual effects. Who am I kidding? Creating little dramas here and there because I don’t know what to do. The sadness is gone already. We can do something different now. Let me indulge in this thing called happy.
What does happy look like in my life right now?
-Your life right now, You say.
I am happy, aren’t I?
My big brother irons his clothes in the other room. He looks at me with love, even though he can’t say it yet. My little sister finnicks around the house. She brings the spirit of action into my world. My family is here.
There is green juice in the fridge and a car parked in a garage that’s mine. There are three kinds of incense, stick, cone and rocks, on the dresser by my bed. I burn them when I want to smell good things. There is a bed with a bed sponge to help me sleep. A space heater for when it’s cold. Windows for when it’s warm. I walk to work in five minutes. I am greeted with love by my peers.
There are new men, kings and priests, in my world. They are humble and kind. They have been here for some time, but I am just now seeing them for who they are. Humble and kind. They speak words of comfort to me. They protect if they think I am in danger. They open their hearts and allow me give Love. And even their anger with me isn’t real.
My mother loves me and I Love her. We always have, but we are grown up enough now to not let our minds get in the way of the expression. We relate with our hearts.
I cry happy tears this morning. Overwhelmed with the goodness of my life as it is. I remember the lonely woman who sat in apartment many moons ago and started a blog to save her life. She had no friends she could call on. She had men who manipulated her in her life. There was no car, no garage, no job, no green juice and no comfy bed. Family was estranged and life was full of dreams that could never be caught. Meanness was everywhere. Brilliance was not an option for she was so caught up in her sadness she could see nothing else.
We have come a long way, Laydie. Our journey has led us all the way to the other side where the Source of everything good lives. It was there with us then, but we couldn’t see It. Slowly but surely we are coming to see that everything is always here. There are always roses, side by side with grief, to be found by the seeker.
And so today I don’t want to write or think about what I want to experience in the future. I want to acknowledge the roses that I have already found. I want to complete the cultivation of this beautiful garden that I have planted in sporadic pieces here and there. I want to acknowledge the Glory of God who has transformed my life without me even realizing it. I want to bear witness to the magical souls that I have found, my people, the angels that I call friends now.
I want to acknowledge that I am not the woman who started this blog, a closed up, dying caterpillar. Contrary to what Mr. Voodoo man said, I have become a butterfly. A baby butterfly, but nonetheless I am spreading my wings and speaking and thinking of things like Brilliance and the mutual exchange of Love, and giving gifts and happiness. I have witnessed the building of a beautiful garden that I now call my life, and I didn’t even build it all the way intentionally. I see my brothers and sisters, other people, struggling with whatever they are struggling with, and I can be kind. I can have compassion. True compassion. I can see myself in the people around who would send out hurt to the world and, like my book said, I am learning the beautiful balance between being open and yet not being affected.
I am learning myself and knowing what nourishes and what depletes. And I am understanding that the gift is not in the things that the world has for you. The world has for you. Everything we need. God is a good God, even if you don’t believe in Him. What is amazing, though, is finding these good things in yourself. Realizing that you can be kind. And you can be giving. And you can light up a life, even your own, in the way someone may have lighted up yours at one point in time.
The gift is in realizing that you have brilliance to give. Oh, and then giving it!
And You tell me that we are just getting started. And I am overwhelmed with gratitude. Because I only asked to stop crying every day and You have given me so much. And I am overwhelmed with gratitude. I am overwhelmed with gratitude. I am overwhelmed with gratitude. I have found my people. I have found my self at the bottom of all that would break. And a new kind of life is being born.
I accept. I allow. I activate. I let it be. I appreciate. I open my eyes. I give and give and give and give. And give. I Give. May this day be amazing… Ameen.
Day 285
Alhamdullilah (Praise Be To The Creator)
Good morning world,
Another good morning, preceded by a challenging night.
Perhaps these challenging nights have a purpose. They get me up early in the morning, praying, reading, meditating, writing, asking questions and getting answers. They smoke me out of the complacency that sets in so easily…
I am thankful, God, for this most recent lesson. In the book I’m reading, Oneness, they talk about life themes. Many of us have a general theme or issue that we are working out throughout our lives. Something about our experience that we are not quite satisfied with. I have a friend who always talks about how women are trying to use him for his money. Every woman he gets with, it’s the same story on different levels. They don’t show him any love, usually don’t even like his company, and try to get the most they can get from him. Another person is always isolated. She calls herself a loner with pride, even though she is one of the most communal people I have ever known. She talks about how her friends always betray her or try to harm her and so she would rather keep to himself.
I am sure that those two friends have been dealing with those issues for almost all of their lives. For me, there are a lot of themes, but most all of them reveal themselves when it comes to my relating to men. I am the abandoned one. The victim. The taken for granted one. The one who offers my heart on a platter to almost always have the platter smashed to the ground by the potential receiver. Most of the time it is because of my presentation. The offering was seasoned wrong or whatever. Inevitably, the people who have smashed my heart, betrayed me, or taken me for granted often resurface in my life after long periods of separation. We dance the dance again and again.
We blame, I blame, the actors for their participation in my pain. It is always their fault. Why do I keep meeting these kinds of people??? Inevitably I run away from one drama just to create the same drama with someone else… And this morning it really hit home for me that maybe it’s not about the other people at all. Maybe it’s me. You see, just as I never have the issue my friend has, where people trying to pimp me for my money, there are others who never have the kinds of issues I have. They live in the same city. Probably live right next door to me in my neighborhood…
This blog is about taking responsibility. Last night I had my last encounter with this whole abandoned, woe is me, victim *ish. A new guy I met, an open heart, asked me to send him a pic of me smiling. I was apprehensive about it, but finally sent him a video of me smiling and singing. We had been texting all day, but when he got the vid, he didn’t text me. So I waited… One hour, three hours, twelve hours later, after seeing that he had made a random FB pic, I texted him, asking him if he had received the vid. No response. So two hours after that, I texted him telling him I had made a fool of myself by sending him the vid. Six hours later (a day and a half after I had sent the original vid), he texted me back saying that my lack of patience made him not even be able to watch or enjoy the video.
And I sat there. Patterns. This has been happening to me this past month or so. Meeting people or people resurfacing in my life. Asking for my vulnerably and gifts. I give. They do not acknowledge receipt. I ask if the gift was received and they call me impatient. I get it. I can be more patient and I’m working on it. I really wanted to ask him about that text 30 minutes after I sent it, but I waited twelve hours, so I think that’s progress. But it’s deeper than patience.
There is a pattern here that needs to be released once and for all. It’s not about the guys. It’s in me. I am the one allowing myself to be vulnerable to jerks. I am the one not setting intentions before I engage with people. I am the one giving others power over my emotion. And we can go even deeper. I am the one who doesn’t believe that my gifts are valuable and worthy of being received in a good way. I am the one who believes in jumping through hoops for people who don’t show appreciation and ignoring the ones who cherish me.
These experiences have been my creation. It’s good to know. We are constantly trying to change the world and God is yelling at us, CHANGE THE THINGS WITHIN YOURSELF. Change your perceptions. Change your beliefs. Change the way you walk in the world. Love yourself by opening to those who intend a good experience for you. Intend a good experience for someone else. Pay attention to the open doors versus closed hearts and recognize when you need a shield and when you are safe.
Take action. Take action. Take action to test out all these theories that we have in our heads about ourselves. It takes practice to build a life from scratch.
Intending to be led by Love today. Love for myself and Love for others. Intending to allow the growth that is taking place to become my life. Taking responsibility for it all…
Day 284
The Part We Play
hownottocryeveryday 