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Day 278 – The Light

December 24, 2013


Oooh we. It’s Christmas Eve day. The world is in a particular kind of mood. This is a particular kind of morning.

My heart just got hammered by some man fights. My One. Oooh we. Said some kind of mean things. I guess I said some kind of mean things, too. Except my mean things weren’t laced with mean intent. His were dipped in venom. Didn’t break my heart or crack it, but they touched my feelings and hurt them. Mr. Voodoo Man didn’t like the way I expressed myself about certain things, and told me I need to apologize and change my behavior or stay away from him. He said it wasn’t up for negotiation or discussion (he said it just like that), and since I didn’t know what to apologize for or how to change, I’m staying away.

I’m sitting here this morning thinking about clean things. Pure things. My high school prom date, whom I haven’t heard from in over ten years, found me on Facebook yesterday. He was vibrant with bright eyes, in tip top shape back then. Now he’s frumpy, beer belly, coffee smoke teeth, eyes faded. Life has been challenging for him, I can tell.

And this morning I’m thinking about clean things. Pure things. The end of fighting. The end of mean things. I know the world we live in. Trying to find clean, happy, people who are nice to each other is like going on a massive scavenger hunt. The one thing that I noticed about My One is that he had all these fancy ideas about how he thought people should be towards each other. He would point a lot of fingers and talk about mean people and unforgiving and unkind people. But he was the meanest of the mean and the most unforgiving of unforgiving… He didn’t even see it. I called him out on his hypocrisy and of course that’s when the man war, the war of words,  began…

He won. I lost. I was OK with losing. I know his ego is too big to lose, and he would fight until one of us was damaged for good.

But I’m sitting here this morning, God, and I’m praying for clean stuff. Pure stuff. Good stuff. No more fighting. I think I’m good now. All these reminders. I see my jaded high school prom date, I see My One who asks for the good things that he doesn’t give, I see Mr. Voodoo Man, who runs from anything he can’t control and calls it principle, and I don’t want to be any of those people anymore. I have been all of them. I see it. I am here Allah, asking You to bring the good stuff out of me.

It’s not Your job, You say. It’s mine. Sometimes I wonder why I started life so far away from where I am now. Statistics say that I’m not supposed to be here, living like this, thinking like this. I have been through a lot. Enough to break a sensitive heart like mine for good.

And I’m sitting here realizing that my heart is not broken. I haven’t gone plumb crazy. I’m looking at my new bank card from my bank account that’s in my name. I go to physical therapy for my wrist today… The hardest part of my life is over… “I made it through the storm… and kept my point of view… and found my self surrounded by the others who’d been rained on, too, and made it through.”

I think I’ll start to build now. Glean the lessons that you’ve learned from all your pain. Allow yourself to become wise. Don’t let all that ugly go to waste. Allow yourself to become wise because of it. Shame the devil and let all that you’ve been through teach you Grace and Love for real. Become a Creator for real and be that Loving emissary that You have been looking for. Do not let your heart get bitter. Do not let the light leave your eyes.

Take care of your pure, pure heart. No need to make other people monsters. They aren’t. Maybe a part of them is, just like a part of you can be. But they have pure, pure hearts, too. At the root of it all.

Allah, this day, the day before Christmas, I allow the good in me to be the good from me. I allow no darkness to usurp my light, even the dark within me. I cast it out. Let it go where it is needed. I no longer need the scary things to protect me. No. I have a bigger Protector that I recognize now. I have gone through all of this unbroken and it’s a miracle that I still have the light in my eyes.

Now, knowing that I am protected. I can walk a little differently, like how I walk down the street when I know I have a man. It’s different. It is becoming blatantly obvious to me that there is no other life for me but a clean, pure life, but I also realize that I’m not the one to be like Dream Lover, sequestered from the world and only surrounded by light bringers. That’s good and fine, but that’s not my path. It is necessary to be around those who bring you up and remind you of the truth, but my work is in the world, amongst the damaged and broken. My Love is for those people, for I am one of them, reminding my own self of my own light in the midst of darkness.

Being happy is a life mission. I’m up to the challenge. I’m up for it and it doesn’t even have to be a challenge. Let’s do this part, God. We shall not be broken. No. We shall shine brighter. All that light in me. Who would have thunk it?

Day 278

The Light

From → The Initiation

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