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Day 282 – Enough Is Enough

January 6, 2014

Good morning World. This will be short as there is work in a bit. The open, expansive feeling that I felt in my heart when I awoke is leaving me. The feeling of bliss is dissipating. Thoughts of yesterday and tomorrow are creeping in.

Had a heartbreak moment last night. They are really becoming boring to me now. A small thing happened. A friend asked me to give him a ride to the store. When we got there, he asked me to come inside so he could buy me a late Christmas gift. A few minutes into shopping, he had bought so many other things for other people that I knew he wasn’t going to have any money left for my gift. I walked away. It was Target. I was walking through Target holding back tears that crept up from I don’t know where. It was so overwhelming. I’m really good at holding in my emotions in public, but these tears were about the get the best of me. I managed to hold them back and I was just going to buy myself a few toiletries and wait for him in the car.

Just as I finished checking out, I saw him walk up to the cashier. He was next line. He saw me waiting and yelled out, “Hey, do you want anything?” I was speechless. Do I want anything? You told me you were going to get me a gift and you are standing in the checkout line, ready to check out. No gift. You just happened to see me and now you’re asking do I want anything??? “Hear no evil, speak no evil,” I thought to myself as I repressed all of the horrible things I wanted to say to him.

On the way to the car, he excitedly told me about how he had bought a gift for his neighbor who just had a baby. And that’s when I flipped. “You’re an asshole! ” I said. My hands were trembling. “You’re an asshole.”

The anger in me was so strong. All the times he had put me last and disappointed and hurt me in so many ways just came fuming to the surface. No. I did not forgive him. No. I wasn’t going to be nice and listen to yet another of his excuses. He was an asshole. He had hurt my heart so many times. He had hurt me so many times and I was tired. By the time I got in the car my legs were trembling and I could barely drive. The tears won on the ride home and I bursted out sobbing uncontrollably as I was driving. He had never seen me cry before. When we parted ways, I didn’t want to hug him. I didn’t want to respond to his “I Love you.” I didn’t want to talk about it or tell him what he could do to make things right, as he was asking me to do. I just wanted to leave. And I did.

My heart hurt. But in the midst of my anguish, I felt something. You don’t understand. I felt something. My heart. I felt it. It had been a while since I had felt anything and even as I was crying, I was glad for this breaking open, this feeling. The sense of entitlement to love that had finally come to me. I deserved to be loved. Not just deserved, I was entitled to be loved. I deserved to have someone keep their word to me and be careful about what they say and the promises they make. I deserved to be special. This type of relationship dynamic that I had created with my friend just wouldn’t do anymore. It just wouldn’t. There was nothing to talk about. No instruction book for him.

He didn’t want to love me. He doesn’t even understand how to love someone who loves him by choice. It is an oxymoron in his mind. And I understand too well the push-pull dynamic that occurs when you are involved with someone who is not open to loving and being loved at the same time. The relationship will forever be one-sided. When he gives, you shut down and run away. When you give, he becomes an asshole.

It was enough now. It is enough now. I have finally had enough of the shit. Relationships are the strongest influencing factor in one’s life. The company we keep and our relations with them is so important. Not saying I’m better than my friend. Being an asshole is only a part of him and he has good parts, and I’ve been as asshole at times too, and can be rude and obnoxious and self-centered and many other things that I know people don’t like.

But on this path, there must come a time when we decide that we are going to build good things. The exchange of Love is so important to me. I am tired of being surrounded by hearts that are closed to Loving me and I am tired of trying to change and teach and make people behave in ways that they really don’t want to behave in. It is enough already.

Enough of the fake relationships coated with malice and ill-intention. Enough of the holding back. Enough of the meanness. There is enough of that in the world. Enough of those people who only wish you well if you are not doing better than them. Enough of those who only love you if you do what they say. Enough of those who take and take and never give a single thing unless they think there is a return. Enough.

Myself I transform first. Leading with my open heart, I give to those who give to me. I let the love flow two ways. I recognized where I am welcome and when there are walls. I Love where I am compelled to Love. I lay on the altar with my arms open wide and I allow You to bless me Lord. I allow You to bless me, Lord. I allow You to bless me. Transform my life. I will do the work. The Love and the Beauty and the Kindness… The Success and the Pure Goodness that is in me must come to pass. The life that is in my dreams must become more than a dream. The relationships that I envision are possible. They are possible and they are coming to pass even in this instance. Those that are in my inner circle must conform to Love or they must go. I will do the work.

Enough is enough already.

Day 282

Enough Is Enough

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From → The Initiation

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