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Day 290 – Unfinished Business (Give)

February 3, 2014

Unfinished business on the mind. So much unfinished business.

My mind has been hazy for a while. Frustrated. Nothing in particular. Just so much to do. Seems like it will never get done. Wish I was already there, you know. Finished. The to do list never seems to end.

Wish I was already there. Don’t even know what that thought feels like. It’s little things. A closet full of old papers. Floors that need a good scrubbing and blessing. Debts that need to be paid. Dishes in the sink. Dirty clothes. A man that needs to be found. Writing projects that need to be out in the world. Nails that need to be filed and new shoes that need to be bought. A good foot soak followed up with deep moisturizing… Things that need to be done. Some sort of employment that pays enough for me to move forward financially instead of just getting by. Things that never seem to be finished…

I think about them all day long. One or the other. I am always working on them. I don’t remember a time when I wasn’t. It was too long ago, in my other life before Cali.

This unfinished business is making me sick. I want to cuss it out and be done with it already. Exes that linger in my spirit that I never seem to be able to quite get over. I want to be done with it.

When does it end, God? What is wrong with me? Why can’t I finish this stuff so that my mind can be at peace? So that I can actually sit down with some free space and think for once, how shall I live today?

I try to get things done and then my energy runs out, like I’m walking in quicksand. I come to the edge of completing something and all my efforts are suddenly thwarted and my dream come true dissipates right in front of my eyes just like that.

And I feel so helpless. And pitiful. And powerless. I know what to do and I set all kinds of intentions and when it comes time to work, I am exhausted and all I can do is sleep. I am so tired these days. And I am tired of being tired.

Help me, please. Help me, God. This way of life will no longer do. It is so dry. So desperate. So lacking in passion and joy. It just won’t do any more. I remember a time when I used to be able to stay up all night working on things and I used to get things done. What happened to me? Why do I feel so weak and powerless these days? Why am I so unable to finish things???

I am asking the wrong questions, You say. There will be no pity party tonight.

-Help me, please.

Tonight We work… Tonight We work harder… Yes, Our life depends on it. Really. Enough imagining. Enough planning. Enough talking. You do not doubt that you will have all your dreams come true. You fear it. You fear the completion because what will you do next. Your to-do list has given you a sense of purpose all this time, but shall you complete it, what will you do next?

What will you do if you save a village overseas? What will you do once your projects are accepted by the world. What will you do when all your debts are paid and you no longer need to work? And, oh, what will you do once you find a man to love? What will you do once the struggle, the journey, is over?These are the questions you have been avoiding. This is the source of your apathy.

-I am afraid. But what can I do about it?

Outside in is your medicine this time. Completions. Finish everything you can. Push. Your. Self until your energy is gone for true. This is your initiation. Sometimes the answers come and you work from there, but sometimes you need to work and through your action clarity is gained.

It is your time to act. You will be afraid. Your body will resist. Things will fall apart. Act anyway. We have been here before, only now We are crossing over to a deeper truth, a deeper experience, a way of life that We have barely even dared to dream of. And We are ready, you know. You know you are ready.

Let us walk in spite of the fear. Let us walk in spite of the demons. They are only demons. You must pass through them to get to your destination. You must see them for what they are and See Me for what I AM. See Me for what I AM. See yourself for what you are. Powerful. Even now. Blessed. Even now. Full of life. Even now. Even in your weakest moments. Full of life even in your weakest moments. Know that I planted no dream in you that can not be fulfilled. None. Know the Truth.

There is a way through this time and it is easier than you can imagine. But you have to walk. You have to keep walking. You have to give your all, your All All, until you can give no more. Give now.

-“I know you’ve got a little life in you left.”

Give now. Give today. Now. Before you sleep. Give more! Now. Let all the pity party thoughts come, but give your Self to save your life. Give your Self to live your life. Give now and let’s be free…

Day 290

Unfinished Business (Give)

From → The Initiation

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