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Day 284 – The Part We Play (An Entry Point To Change)

January 10, 2014

Good morning world,

Another good morning, preceded by a challenging night.

Perhaps these challenging nights have a purpose. They get me up early in the morning, praying, reading, meditating, writing, asking questions and getting answers. They smoke me out of the complacency that sets in so easily…

I am thankful, God, for this most recent lesson. In the book I’m reading, Oneness, they talk about life themes. Many of us have a general theme or issue that we are working out throughout our lives. Something about our experience that we are not quite satisfied with. I have a friend who always talks about how women are trying to use him for his money. Every woman he gets with, it’s the same story on different levels. They don’t show him any love, usually don’t even like his company, and try to get the most they can get from him. Another person is always isolated. She calls herself a loner with pride, even though she is one of the most communal people I have ever known. She talks about how her friends always betray her or try to harm her and so she would rather keep to himself.

I am sure that those two friends have been dealing with those issues for almost all of their lives. For me, there are a lot of themes, but most all of them reveal themselves when it comes to my relating to men. I am the abandoned one. The victim. The taken for granted one. The one who offers my heart on a platter to almost always have the platter smashed to the ground by the potential receiver. Most of the time it is because of my presentation. The offering was seasoned wrong or whatever. Inevitably, the people who have smashed my heart, betrayed me, or taken me for granted often resurface in my life after long periods of separation. We dance the dance again and again.

We blame, I blame, the actors for their participation in my pain. It is always their fault. Why do I keep meeting these kinds of people??? Inevitably I run away from one drama just to create the same drama with someone else… And this morning it really hit home for me that maybe it’s not about the other people at all. Maybe it’s me. You see, just as I never have the issue my friend has, where people trying to pimp me for my money, there are others who never have the kinds of issues I have. They live in the same city. Probably live right next door to me in my neighborhood…

This blog is about taking responsibility. Last night I had my last encounter with this whole abandoned, woe is me, victim *ish. A new guy I met, an open heart, asked me to send him a pic of me smiling. I was apprehensive about it, but finally sent him a video of me smiling and singing. We had been texting all day, but when he got the vid, he didn’t text me. So I waited… One hour, three hours, twelve hours later, after seeing that he had made a random FB pic, I texted him, asking him if he had received the vid. No response. So two hours after that, I texted him telling him I had made a fool of myself by sending him the vid. Six hours later (a day and a half after I had sent the original vid), he texted me back saying that my lack of patience made him not even be able to watch or enjoy the video.

And I sat there. Patterns. This has been happening to me this past month or so. Meeting people or people resurfacing in my life. Asking for my vulnerably and gifts. I give. They do not acknowledge receipt. I ask if the gift was received and they call me impatient. I get it. I can be more patient and I’m working on it. I really wanted to ask him about that text 30 minutes after I sent it, but I waited twelve hours, so I think that’s progress. But it’s deeper than patience.

There is a pattern here that needs to be released once and for all. It’s not about the guys. It’s in me. I am the one allowing myself to be vulnerable to jerks. I am the one not setting intentions before I engage with people. I am the one giving others power over my emotion. And we can go even deeper. I am the one who doesn’t believe that my gifts are valuable and worthy of being received in a good way. I am the one who believes in jumping through hoops for people who don’t show appreciation and ignoring the ones who cherish me.

These experiences have been my creation. It’s good to know. We are constantly trying to change the world and God is yelling at us, CHANGE THE THINGS WITHIN YOURSELF. Change your perceptions. Change your beliefs. Change the way you walk in the world. Love yourself by opening to those who intend a good experience for you. Intend a good experience for someone else. Pay attention to the open doors versus closed hearts and recognize when you need a shield and when you are safe.

Take action. Take action. Take action to test out all these theories that we have in our heads about ourselves. It takes practice to build a life from scratch.

Intending to be led by Love today. Love for myself and Love for others. Intending to allow the growth that is taking place to become my life. Taking responsibility for it all…

Day 284

The Part We Play

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From → The Initiation

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