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Day 285 – Alhamdullilah (Praise Be To The Creator)

January 13, 2014

What is it that I’m not giving to the world, I asked.

Your brilliance, she responded.

This is what my new best friend told me in my dream this morning. My new best friend. I have one. A female like me. My people. Good and weird and smart and beautiful and flawed. She prays. She’s not a hater.  Her people are from the country right next door to my people’s country. I can’t tell you how ecstatic I am. I have a friend in the flesh. Here where I am. That I can go places with.

And I am thinking, how about I try being ecstatic about my day today? Just for the heck of it. Let us imagine that there is something good to be given and received in this day. We can do this, regardless of what we are feeling.

The sadness is almost all gone and all that is left is the residual effects. Who am I kidding? Creating little dramas here and there because I don’t know what to do. The sadness is gone already. We can do something different now. Let me indulge in this thing called happy.

What does happy look like in my life right now?

-Your life right now, You say.

I am happy, aren’t I?

My big brother irons his clothes in the other room. He looks at me with love,  even though he can’t say it yet. My little sister finnicks around the house. She brings the spirit of action into my world. My family is here.

There is green juice in the fridge and a car parked in a garage that’s mine. There are three kinds of incense, stick, cone and rocks, on the dresser by my bed. I burn them when I want to smell good things. There is a bed with a bed sponge to help me sleep. A space heater for when it’s cold. Windows for when it’s warm. I walk to work in five minutes. I am greeted with love by my peers.

There are new men, kings and priests, in my world. They are humble and kind. They have been here for some time, but I am just now seeing them for who they are. Humble and kind. They speak words of comfort to me. They protect if they think I am in danger. They open their hearts and allow me give Love. And even their anger with me isn’t real.

My mother loves me and I Love her. We always have, but we are grown up enough now to not let our minds get in the way of the expression. We relate with our hearts.

I cry happy tears this morning. Overwhelmed with the goodness of my life as it is. I remember the lonely woman who sat in apartment many moons ago and started a blog to save her life. She had no friends she could call on. She had men who manipulated her in her life. There was no car, no garage, no job, no green juice and no comfy bed. Family was estranged and life was full of dreams that could never be caught. Meanness was everywhere. Brilliance was not an option for she was so caught up in her sadness she could see nothing else.

We have come a long way, Laydie. Our journey has led us all the way to the other side where the Source of everything good lives. It was there with us then, but we couldn’t see It. Slowly but surely we are coming to see that everything is always here. There are always roses, side by side with grief, to be found by the seeker.

And so today I don’t want to write or think about what I want to experience in the future. I want to acknowledge the roses that I have already found. I want to complete the cultivation of this beautiful garden that I have planted in sporadic pieces here and there. I want to acknowledge the Glory of God who has transformed my life without me even realizing it. I want to bear witness to the magical souls that I have found, my people, the angels that I call friends now.

I want to acknowledge that I am not the woman who started this blog, a closed up, dying caterpillar. Contrary to what Mr. Voodoo man said, I have become a butterfly. A baby butterfly, but nonetheless I am spreading my wings and speaking and thinking of things like Brilliance and the mutual exchange of Love, and giving gifts and happiness. I have witnessed the building of a beautiful garden that I now call my life, and I didn’t even build it all the way intentionally. I see my brothers and sisters, other people, struggling with whatever they are struggling with, and I can be kind. I can have compassion. True compassion. I can see myself in the people around who would send out hurt to the world and, like my book said, I am learning the beautiful balance between being open and yet not being affected.

I am learning myself and knowing what nourishes and what depletes. And I am understanding that the gift is not in the things that the world has for you. The world has for you. Everything we need. God is a good God, even if you don’t believe in Him. What is amazing, though, is finding these good things in yourself. Realizing that you can be kind. And you can be giving. And you can light up a life, even your own, in the way someone may have lighted up yours at one point in time.

The gift is in realizing that you have brilliance to give. Oh, and then giving it!

And You tell me that we are just getting started. And I am overwhelmed with gratitude. Because I only asked to stop crying every day and You have given me so much. And I am overwhelmed with gratitude. I am overwhelmed with gratitude. I am overwhelmed with gratitude. I have found my people. I have found my self at the bottom of all that would break. And a new kind of life is being born.

I accept. I allow. I activate. I let it be. I appreciate. I open my eyes. I give and give and give and give. And give. I Give. May this day be amazing… Ameen.

Day 285

Alhamdullilah (Praise Be To The Creator)

From → The Initiation

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