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Day 288 – Reciprocity (Vulnerability)

January 23, 2014

Good Morning Sweet World.

Yes, Sweet world. Another good waking up preceded by a challenging night. All I can say is praise God. Working wonders in my heart as I sleep.

Today is a beautiful day already. Last night I went and gave a gift to My Almost One. Well, I didn’t actually see him. I went to his house and dropped it off. To be quite honest, I didn’t want to see him but wanted to give him the gift. So, I got to his house and knocked on the door. Rang the doorbell. Usually I call him so he can come to the door ‘cus he doesn’t hear people knocking on the door. But I looked in my phone and realized I had deleted his number. Yikes. I left the gift under his doormat. It was a gift certificate for a place he likes to go.

As I was leaving, I realized that I had given him the last gift. It was over. I had done all I wanted to do for him. And I thought of the fact that I had thought of him as my husband once upon a time. Bought a new dress to impress him. Been excited about him. I thought of him. Alone. We had missed each other in passing. Truth be told I didn’t like him that much. He had a bad attitude and didn’t really contribute much on purpose. He was closed up and stingy with his giving. He didn’t try for love and it would take a really patient, thick-skinned woman to sit and wait for him to get over himself. She would have to ignore all the silly tests and games he would put her through. But I had loved him anyway. Because his heart spoke to mine. And his presence superseded any of his behavior issues. I could feel his kindness even though he tried to hide it…

I went to my car and cried. I was saying goodbye to yet another almost love. He didn’t know it, but I’m sure he knew it. And I knew what that gift meant. My last giving. My happy ending. Maybe he cared a little bit. Or maybe I was just another girl to him. Someone who’s name he would forget. I’ll allow for that possibility.

I came home and text chatted with my new Muse. We talked about reciprocity and how, more often than not, the giver in any particular relationship is not the receiver. How love tends to be one-sided. I thought about this and saw the pattern as true in my life, and so I decided to imagine. Again. I imagined reciprocity and it was such a weird thought for me.

I tried to see someone who I actually adored adoring me and it made me uncomfortable. I couldn’t stomach someone actually touching my face, holding me, giving me gifts that I like and need. I felt like running at the thought of someone that I thought the world of calling me beautiful and wanting to be in my presence. I mean, I was used to people I didn’t really want to be with saying these things to me. There was no danger there. But someone who actually made me nervous? That was a different feeling.

I went to sleep with that thought and I woke up feeling the fulfillment of that idea. Funny enough, I imagined my Muse giving to me. I had never really imagined him as a potential eligible. I mean, when I first saw him and his work online, I was smitten. But when he opened the door to get to know him on a personal level, I quickly put up my shield and decided I would just give to him. See what we do? I automatically found reasons to be uninterested in him romantically. But he crept into my dreams as I slept and I experienced giving and receiving kindness with him. At the same time. There was no cat and mouse chase. There was a sitting still. A grown-up-ness to the whole affair. I had to be vulnerable. He could see all my wounds and I had to let him. I had to sit there and offer my wounded self and pray that he would accept. And he did…

It was only a dream, but what a beautiful dream it was. What a realization. There is patience and vulnerability involved in this love thing. There is letting go of control. There is being kind on purpose and accepting others as they come. There’s this thing about accepting apologies even when they don’t come in the package you want them and there’s also this support thing. Just standing my someone’s side when you know they’re trying instead of putting them down.

We grow up thinking it is such and honor to be a giver. I’m gonna save the world, we say. It takes so much more humility to receive. We get cats and babies and stuff so we can feel safe. And that’s fine. But I imagine that receiving from one who makes us feel vulnerable is a whole other ballgame. What would it be like to say, Yes, I need you, too. Yes, I need to be saved, too. Yes. You may Love me, too.

Day 288

Reciprocity (Vulnerability)

 

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From → The Initiation

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