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Day 286 – Come Back To The World

January 16, 2014

My world is changing and I am trying to stay still.

It’s been five months since I started my new job. It went by so quick. The first time in my entire life that I had worked with such a large group of people and liked so many of them so much. A bunch of misfits we were, all starting new after some hard times in our lives. We had a doctor, a forensic anthropologist, musicians, a chef, a fashion designer… We had former teachers and immigrants all looking for something stable. And we met at our good government job and had a good time rebuilding our lives together.

And now our good government job is changing. And our group is getting sent out to different locations. Torn apart. Today a large number of my work friends got reassigned. I am one of the last people remaining at our original location, but my friends aren’t there anymore…

The world around me is changing and I am trying to stay still… My sister is getting married and we became permanent employees at my job. People are approaching me for film work again. My heart is feeling things again. Yearning to love and be loved.

And I had just gotten used to stability. I had just gotten used to things being relatively the same every day. I saw my work boo at a general staff meeting earlier this week. He had been shipped off to another location about a month ago. I missed his kind eyes so much. We had had so much fun together with our talks and jokes.

What will I do now, God? The seasons are changing, and as much as I would like to sit still, I know that I can’t. This has been such a good few months, though. Easy. Very little drama relatively speaking. Enough food. Kind moments. A heater and hot water. Who ever would have thought that I would be grateful for a heater and hot water, but I am.

I know life is opening up to bigger things and this is the reason why people don’t change. My little life these past few months has been nice. I mean, little hiccups here and there, but nice overall.

I have had thoughts and experiences that I haven’t had in years. Hanging out with friends and stuff. Finishing projects. I even got back in the world and tried loving somebody. It didn’t work out, but it didn’t break me, and that’s a good thing because I can be so fragile sometimes.

And now You tell me on to the next, but I don’t know what the next is. Who will receive all this love in me? Who will give my heart a home at last? Where will I live? Where will I work? My job just made me permanent. Should I just stay here and work my way to the top? What about the international heal the world project? You actually have to be there, present, with the people overseas in order to effectively start a project…

I am Fräulein Maria in the Sound of Music, seeking the courage I lack. You tell me to write my heart out, and I am afraid. I know I will be successful, but I am afraid of all this potential change. Why? Because I’ve just gotten comfortable. I just figured out the colors for my apartment. I just put a new calendar up at my desk at work…

I am closing my eyes… God of small things and big things and everything, I come to you in this moment of fear. Not knowing who You are or who I am in Truth, I come to You. I come to You. I come to You. i am a child right now. Afraid. Wanting something to hold on to. Anything good. I have hurt too much and I don’t want to hurt anymore. I am here seeking Your Guidance…

Something my internet friend was saying to me the other day just came to mind. About walls. Letting them down. Seeing how I have had barriers to receiving Love. Oh, I’m so good at giving, but I block when it’s time to receive. I’m letting them down, Lord. I imagined Mr. Almost Famous just giving me something. He is one of the few men who I truly trust in this world, and I have even blocked so much of his Love…

Guide me into this new place. I do not trust my mind any more. Allow me to see with new eyes, with open eyes, past the clouds. Laying down armor and masks. Laying down swords. Laying down the need to always know.

Change is at my doorstep and I have been sitting inside where it is safe. You tell me that I am in a new world now and I can come out and play now. Take my hand, please. I am so powerless. “You are safe,” You tell me, but I don’t believe it. There are monsters and disappointments out there. “You are kind,” You tell me, but I do not believe that I am kind enough.

-All the things I’ve given you are yours to have and then some.

They are so much.

-Choose your life. The life you know is yours. More magical in fact than you have dreamed. Choose it now. The change is here. Delay no more. Choose Your self in all your splendour. In all your Love and beauty. Choose to give all your Gifts. Choose it now. OK? It is okay to change. A shield of light I give you. A shield of light as you walk into dark places. Be encouraged. You have learned much. You have grown much. Yes, many don’t, but you have. You have grown tremendously. So much so that you can be your true self in the world and the world will be better for it. And you will be better for it. You are ready now. Yes You. Come back now. Take your place. Your True place. Come back.

Day 286

Come Back To The World

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From → The Initiation

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