Good morning Life. I’m back. I must say, this was the shortest period of possible depression that I have experienced.
I’m back. And better than ever. Well, mentally and spiritually at least. Physically I am still in recovery, but I have no doubt that my body will soon catch up to what is happening inside of me.
I don’t even know where to start. Let me start by saying that I just read some of my favorite book, Oneness. Reading Oneness is like going to my spiritual center. I hardly ever remember what I read about, but when I am done reading, I feel so uplifted and connected. I feel like anything is possible, and although I can’t articulate it. Everything makes sense. I mean everything. Petty disturbances are just that. Petty. And everything seems possible. The highest possible good for all involved becomes my ambition. That was in the book today…
I am setting my focus before I leave the house. I caught up on the new season of Scandal last night and watched the three or four most recent episodes. What was interesting to me was how little control the people had over their lives versus how much control they thought they had. They were all puppets and most of them were not even aware of who was pulling their strings.
I think to a certain extent we are all puppets. Control is an illusion. The question is, who shall we choose to pull our strings? What shall be our master? Because one’s entire life is created according to a focus or a lack thereof.
I don’t know what I’m saying. I am understanding something that I can’t yet put into words. So I’ll keep quiet about that until the words come. In the meantime, I won’t delete this entry and start over. I’ll just start over here.
Good morning World. Can I tell you what is happening? I am starting to believe that I am who I am. This past week, three different people told me about myself and I was floored. I don’t know how the conversations started, but with all three of them, I was either talking about making my projects or finding a man. I was aiming really low, trying to see what I can get, and they told me about myself. They described me and the completion of my projects as the things I see in my dreams.
Even though I sit in my room and write blogs to sort out my thoughts. Even though I’m not rich yet. Even though there is no man in sight. Even though my movie is not in production yet. They still think I’m this woman. The woman of my dreams. A woman who can bring joy and happiness and Love to an occasion. They still think I”m beautiful and they actually think I could stand next to a king. I mean, like a real king. Or a priest. They are sure that my projects will be wildly successful. They think I am the person I dream of being now.
And all this time I’ve just been talking. Well, not just talking, but not really sure if anything I ever say will come to pass. Just hoping. At some point between yesterday and today, I had a brief moment of knowing. I became those three people and I knew. It was less than a few hours, but for those few hours, I knew that I was already the woman of my dreams, just like those people saw me. I knew that all of my heart’s desires are already coming to pass, and I knew that every good thing that I wanted to give and have would be given and had. For a moment there was no worry or fear. I was only excited about the activity of living. And my mind was at peace.
I am hanging on to the coattails of that moment right now. I don’t want my mind to categorize everything and start trying to figure everything out. I want to take it with me as I leave the house today. Plant it in my smile. Bury it in my step. I want to breathe it into all the misaligned places in my body and mind and let them know. I can not put this understanding into words yet, but feel it. Know it.
Life is gonna be all right. Life is all right. I know people are dying and fighting and getting sick. I know. People are hungry and wanting to do things that they can’t do and feeling powerless. I know. Love seems illusive and dreams just seem like dreams. I know. Trust me, I know. Debt mounts up and bills barely get paid. And one’s mind and emotions run amuck and it seems impossible to make sense of anything at all. I know. People hate you just because you are old or young or black or white or pretty or ugly or gay or straight or Muslim or Christian or atheist or happy or sad or quiet or loud or selfish or selfless. People hate you because you are confused. And people hate you because you are not confused. People hate. I know.
There is a lot to cry about. And we can cry forever and forever create things to be unhappy about. But I dare you to seek out peace in spite of all that is transpiring. I dare you to choose peace anyway. I dare you to be willing to see that the undertow of the world is only a part of it. It’s only a part of it. If you are feeling lost and discouraged, if your life does not look like you imagined it, if confusion and depression overwhelms you, if demons haunt you, if you do not think you will ever have your heart’s desire, if your heath is failing and you can not escape grief, I wish I could give you the cure. I know it is deeper than my words on this page.
But I will tell you something that seems to work. Seek the thing you seek. And I’m not talking about going out there and getting a job and putting an ad on a dating site or popping some depression meds. Yes, those are all actions you may take. I’m talking about sitting down, though. On your prayer mat or meditation rug. Or on a bench in nature or a church. Or in a library with a journal. Or in a dance or yoga class. I am talking about sitting down with your own mind. With your own Spirit. Sit down and look within for a place of peace. Every freaking day. Look for it. You will find it. Maybe hidden under so much muck. But once you find it, you will not be satisfied until you find it again.
And once you find it again, you will not be satisfied until you find it again. And again. And again. And when the demons come, you will entertain them for a moment out of habit, but they will become bored with you and you will become bored with them. Because the good stuff is so much nicer. It’s so much more filling. And you will seek peace. Until you find it again. And the other things in life, the job and the man and whatever else, will take care of themselves.
This is all theory, or course. I am testing it out as I write about it. I have found, though, that sinking into quicksand isn’t quite my thing any more. Nor is fighting men or crying every day or being confused and unhappy. I’m not really into body breakdowns or nervous breakdowns any more. Religious debates are a bore now. And stress… well, it makes my hair fall out, and I’m slightly vain, so no room for that. Peace is finally giving me no other option and I court it willingly. We had a moment today, dear Life, and I shall court you moment by moment until you become me… Thank you so much.
Day 303
Seek (Until You Find)
I’m trying to get ahold of time. Feels like I need a whole day to just sit and pray and meditate. Go out to some ocean somewhere and breathe in the air of trees. Pray and meditate. Read a very inspirational book. Call someone to clean up the house that is progressively becoming dirty.
Don’t work this weekend. I had signed up to work overtime at my job job this weekend. I’m canceling. I need to get a grip of my time.
In between working nine to five, working on creative projects, exercising and doing physical therapy, doing house stuff and sleeping, I barely have any free time.
And the thing about life is that it doesn’t care if you have any free time. It still goes on. The stuff that needed to be done still needs to be done. I feel like calling in to work this morning. Getting that “quit a job” itch. Want to spend my time focusing on things that lead me towards the manifestation of my life’s purpose, not survival things that keep me in the same place forever.
I need time to pray and meditate and read my books. These are my medicines and nourishment and I must take them seriously. I didn’t wake up in a particularly good mood today. The angels didn’t come in the night and lift me up like they do sometimes. I’m not feeling excited about work or excited about anything in particular. My job is a total misuse of my skills and abilities.
But there must be a way to make this day good. Even though I don’t feel good. Even though my thoughts are not the best ever. There must be a way to have a good day.
Good day World. Let us imagine that there is time enough. Let’s be radical and step out of our circumstances so we can see a little clearer. And let’s imagine that there’s time enough. And even more, let’s imagine that one can have a good day even when one is not in a good mood. Practicing alchemy. Practicing power. Yes, Power. It’s not a bad word when used correctly. Let us rise above this thought that we are victims and life is constantly just “happening” to us. Let us happen to life for a minute. Just a minute. I’m just taking a minute here. Because I’m gonna win. Or I’m gonna die trying. There are no other options.
So, God. I am sourcing Your smile in me. In spite of all my thoughts. In spite of whatever is happening or not happening. I am choosing to swim and float. Recalibrating and getting onto another wave.
I am standing on the outside of me looking down at me. At some point we must be changed. Not thinking about change. Not wanting to be changed. Not writing about it and talking about it. At some point we must be it. We must be the people we have been dreaming of being. And there is preparation. And there are trials and errors and there will always be trials and errors. But at some point, now for me, we must look at the trials and errors for what they are, simply trials and errors, and we must finally rise above them.
And fight. We must fight. But it is not a war of guns and force, killing people and stuff. There is no need to push another down for one’s dream to come true. The fight is a fight to rise above one’s own past. The fight is a fight to see the higher perspective in spite of one’s current frame of mind. The fight is a fight to have a good day even when you don’t feel like it. The fight is a fight to demonstrate all that you know you know! It is the battle to get up and have a good day even when you wake up crying for no reason. It is a sourcing of hope and faith and strength from reservoirs that you can not see but know exist. A brain trick. A seemingly crazy thing to do. A very strong thing to do. A warrior thing to do.
Today I am a warrior. I demonstrate a good day and I demonstrate progress in spite of whatever feeling is trying to usurp my life. I will accomplish a moving forward today. God willing. And God is willing. I move forward today. I fight. Yes, I fight. I take out my sword and smile…
Day 302
The Good Fight (On Having A Good Day)
Good morning.
I can’t write long this morning. Going to work in a little bit and have to get dressed.
I just wanted to check in with you and check in with myself. I’ll wake up earlier tomorrow. I wrote on time today. Kind of weird to have my writing done at the beginning of the day and have free time at the end of the day. I’ve become used to being busy being busy and this is a new way of doing things.
Shall we start the day with some good news? Shifting focus from my whole life revolving around my many male entanglements is a big deal for me. I have been perpetually in a relationship but never in one for some years now. There has been some lingering emotional attachment to some man for quite a large portion of my life.
The thought of not having that is daunting. You see, being wrapped up in some emotional drama at least makes you feel like you have something going on in your life. Without it (at least in my imagination), there is just work. So I’ve been holding on to these things that aren’t good for me out of a fear of not being connected to something. Not having any action in my life.
I’m not gonna lie. The fear is still there. Last night I did a picture brain session that was particularly exhausting. I had to do with this issue of men. I had to make a list of all the men who had some sort of emotional charge around them. Anyone that I felt I had unresolved issues or resentment or bitterness towards. Anyone who I felt owed me an apology or anyone that I was waiting and/or hoping to reconnect with. In my session, we only talked about one particular person on the list, and I had to let go of my attachment to him. But it was hard. I didn’t want to. Deep down, I knew that I have to go through this part, though. What I have been doing has not been working for me. It has been making me sick and holding on to all these people will never give me any space to have the fulfillment of a real thing.
But it was hard. The session was hard. It didn’t feel good. And the thought of not having some man to pine over doesn’t make me feel good. But let’s face the truth. I’m single. I’m single. Gosh, I have to say it myself a little more so I can actually get it through my head. I’m single at this point in my life. There is no man. There are men from the past who will always and forever be looking for a way to pass the time, but they are not my man.
I’m single. It hurts. Not really. I think it should hurt, but it doesn’t really hurt. It’s just not what I want to say. It’s not what I want to hear. But it needs to be said and heard by me.
There is no ex waiting in the wings to say sorry and start everything afresh again. There is no somebody who passed me up who is going to turn around and realize one day that I’m the Love of his life. I’m single. Whatever promises of babies and dream lives I made with whoever are null and void. They did not come to pass. I’m single. And I’m still alive. And I do not know when the day will come when I will not be single.
So now we can start with Truth. Good morning World. What are we going to do about life as it is? Here is where we are. With all of our disappointments and failures. With all of our hopes and dreams. Here is where we are and what we have done with ourselves up to this point. And yet we are still alive. And we are not going anywhere.
Joy still beckons in the back of my mind. My smile still whispers, “find a way to share me.” Life still has meaning even when you’re single. For my demonstration today, I am going to find one good thing. Just one. That makes me feel alive. That makes me be alive. That demonstrates a connectivity with all that is. One thing happy while I’m single. I need my brain to know that it’s possible.
Being single is not equivalent to death. Let us start with Truth and speak life into it. Life… Ameen.
Day 301
This Single Thing (Not Equivalent To Death)
It’s a process. Good evening world. It’s 7:30 pm and I have energy. It’s the first time I’ve had energy at this time of day in months.
I’m grateful. I know I wrote a pretty crazy extra long blog the other day. I almost deleted it after publishing, but I decided to keep it. This blog is not a literary concoction. This is what really happens when someone tries to change their life. There are crazy days when nothing at all makes sense.
Today is not one of those days. Today there is a bit of stability in my mind and body. I went walking/running yesterday morning and this evening. I started back on my writing schedule tonight. Just feeling a little easy.
My old welfare worker (yes welfare) sent me an email and asked me if I could write up my success story. She said that she wanted to share it with the new people she would be helping. She said that my story was inspirational. I wrote up my story for her and I remembered everything. I remembered cat-sitting a cat I was allergic to and staying on the couch at my friend’s mold infested apartment because I couldn’t pay my rent. I remembered counting change and looking on the ground near bus stops so that I could afford gas.
But mostly I remember the angels during that time in my life. My brother-in-law who cooked pot roast and brought it to my apartment when I was so hungry. My caseworker who believed in me and told me that I was going to find a job. The human resources guy at the prestigious job fair who gave me the inside scoop on how to get a job with his company. My friend who paid my phone bill. My family who sent me the little money they had randomly because they knew I would never ask. Even my ex, who, as opposed as he is to giving people money, managed to go to the western union and wire me more than half the money he had promised… I was carried through that time, God, and You gave me energy and strength even when I thought I didn’t have it. More than that, You taught me what faith really means. And You taught me true Compassion and Humility.
I am thankful for that time. I think it was the best time of my life. I think it was the best time in my life so far. Because now I can’t get depressed. Now I know that no matter how hard things are, there is always a way. It’s not just a theory for me. I know because I have experienced things being harder than I could imagine. I have experienced my body hurting more than I can imagine and my emotions running rampant. I have experienced heartbreak and abandonment and disappointment and I have experienced just wishing that my mind would stop racing so that I could get some rest. I have experienced not even being able to rest in my sleep and feeling hopeless and powerless. And in the midst of all that might have drowned me, I have seen ways open up that I never could have imagined.
And so now, when I feel like I am drowning, I am always sure that it is possible that ways beyond my imagination may open up. And for that knowledge I am grateful. As long as I live, I know there is hope.
In this moment of energizing gratitude, I cast my will upon the world again. What action can I take today to bring my life closer to a dream come true? I’d like to connect with someone. Who needs my Love today and whose Love do I need? I know who to call and I open my arms to whoever is to come my way.
My life is a good life. It’s always a good life. May we always remember…
Day 299
May We Always Remember
Hi there.
I don’t know what it’s going to take for me to feel better.
It’s almost 3am. Monday.
I still feel horrible.
Thought I was getting better today. Well, I take that back. My cold is gone, so I am a little better.But my head is still pounding with pain, and the head pain was/is the worst.My body still hurts…
I was Facebook stalking and I see that Dream Lover will be in town. Performing. On my birthday. Easter. The day of my photo shoot. Forty days from today. My sister’s husband will have come to town to join her by then. She will be leaving.
I am feeling a little overwhelmed with emotion this morning. Remembering what life looked like when I thought I had a someone. No one can say I didn’t try. I tried the best I could and he ran away from me. Disappeared. All of his words, all of his gifts, all of the time we spent turned to dust before my eyes. Dreams of the businesses we would start to change the world became dreams again. Babies became bloody periods. Stifling screams. Why did he leave? Why did he love me so much and leave? Because he loved me so much. I didn’t imagine it all. I was there. He was there. I saw the way he looked at me. I felt the way he held.
He was my husband, God. And he left. I walked a little taller when I thought I had him. I felt a little more peace. I was a little more alive.
And now he will be back in town. And maybe he won’t see me. And maybe he will. But how is it that he is there and I am here pining for love?
What to do about these things, God? Allah. Jah. Jehovah. What name must I call you by so that I may understand? What shall I do about my heart?
What shall I do about my heart? Just like my body. I thought I was well. I thought I was done with all from the past and then a small thing comes to my attention and I am heartbroken again. Except it is not again. I have been heartbroken all along without realizing it. I have been holding out on love for almost two years now, mired in my poverty and my basic survival issues.
And now Dream Lover comes around, only in my thoughts. He doesn’t have poverty and basic survival issues. He lives the magic that people write about in books. We matched so well. I liked everything about him. I even liked the things I didn’t like. I was sure about him, God. Why did he leave?
The men say get over him. Move on. You deserve better. What kind of man makes the kind of promises he did and just disappears? And of course they are right. But it doesn’t matter that they are right. He lives in my heart just the same.
What to do about my heart, God? It is starving. My life is becoming stagnant. What to do about it? I am going through the motions of daily life, doing ok. I feel OK. Not depressed. Hardly ever depressed. Sometimes happy. But the thrill is gone. I am not compelled to wear pretty clothes or put lotioned socks on my feet at night so they will be supple. I’m bored with myself. The walls in my room are still white.
But if I thought Dream Lover was coming, or if I thought Almost Famous would ever look my way, or if I thought there was someone as fabulous as those two men who might actually love me, then I would paint my walls straight away. My movie would be made pronto. I would have an income that was compatible with my abilities, because I would want them to be proud of me. I would go out in nature every day and make my life exciting so that they could talk about how cool their woman was.
I would find more friends and build more community, so I could introduce them to my fabulous life. Because they are so fabulous, I would have to be fabulous too to stand next to them, but I’m up for the challenge and the transformation of my life is not to far off. I could have everything done in the next three months.
What a realization. I could have everything done in the next three months. Literally… I don’t know if I want to dig this deep this morning. Yes, You say.
I have been waiting. I have been waiting for some fabulous man to say he wants me, and then I can start my life. I have been waiting for Dream Lover to say he’s coming back, and then I would get my belly back flat. I have been waiting for Almost Famous to say he’s coming to town, and then I would really get on the grind to make my apartment a home, because maybe he might want to come for dinner.
I have been waiting. For some man. To say, “Yes. Life is worth living now that I am here. Let’s begin.” It has been my subconscious fantasy for as long as I can remember.
But no one is here. They have come. In spaceships and on planes. Riding bikes, cars and trains. On foot. They have come and asked me to go with them… I didn’t go. I stayed. I pushed and ran and fought. I didn’t go when they came for me and now we are all alone, pining for love. The dreamers who live for the dream alone, unable to face its manifestation…
I am a walking contradiction. So strong yet so fragile. I do not believe in the possibility that I will live without a man forever. There is too much Love in me to be given and that would defy all the natural laws. However, I don’t know when he will arrive. It could take days or years.
In the meantime, I have to get ready. I have not learned how to be the best I can be just for myself yet, and I’m not quite sure if I buy into that trending thought. I know I’m supposed to think, “Girl, you better be beautiful for yourself. You better be successful for yourself. You better do all that you’re supposed to do to make yourself proud.” Or I know I’m supposed to be trying to do good deeds and do stuff for the world so I can go to Heaven or make my mom or whoever proud, but that doesn’t motivate me.
What motivates me to do better in life is the thought of a fabulous man showing up tomorrow looking in my direction. It sounds really shallow, but it’s the truth. What motivates me is the thought of having the kinds of friends that Dream Lover has, and the thought of sitting around having fun creating stuff. I used to sit and talk about the purpose of life and feel called to do this, that and the other so that I can fulfill my purpose, but I feel differently about it now.
I don’t know. I’m changing so much. I am understanding what Howard Thurman meant when he said, “What the world needs is people who have come alive” and I am interested in coming alive again.
This is just not me anymore. I am smarter than this. I am more beautiful than this. I am more than this. I have much more to offer. I Love to share. I am cleaner than this, and mostly, I am more alive than this.
Dream Lover comes to my awareness and reminds me of how vibrant life is. I take a moment to imagine what I would do now if I knew a man was coming soon. What would I do now if I knew that soon I would be on set directing a movie? What would I do now if I knew that I would be signing patents on several inventions? What would I do if I knew I would be helping people overseas build communities. What would I do if I knew that my dreams come true were inevitable?
What would I do about my heart then? What would I do about my health and my livelihood then? How would I spend my time?
If I believed that dreams come true were inevitable, then I would lose weight. I would get my hair and wardrobe in check. I would make more money and pay off more debt. I would clean up my personal circle just a little more. I would cultivate different types of relationships. I would just tell the truth and reveal myself to more people. And share. I would study and read different kinds of books. I would put more love and color in my life…
Every situation is an entry point to a deeper relationship with God. For the next 40 days I am going to take action. I am going to live as if Dreams Come True are inevitable. I am choosing to believe that for me they are…
Action: morning walk
Day 298
If Dreams Come True Were Inevitable
OK. I said I wasn’t going to keep starting and restarting these blogs, but I have so much bitterness in me. I like to write it out first, but I don’t want to send it out to the world.
Just let it be as passing thoughts. Good morning world. I just wrote about spineless men and the desperate women who encourage their existence.
I’ve been writing these almost-finished blogs for the past week or so and not publishing them. Been so inundated with people and events and activities.
This blog is a necessary prayer. Been out of alignment. Mojo lost somewhere. Summoning it. The return of the mojo. The return of vibrancy. Summoning it in spite of the fact that my body is currently in more pain than I’ve ever experienced in my life. Giving complaining a rest. Giving bitterness a rest. You can just fall off me right now. I don’t want you in my life. Don’t even try to take residence here.
Thinking about Almost One. We had a heart to heart yesterday. A relationship with him could still be a possibility. Except I don’t want to walk through that door. He is the essence of the kind of man I would like to build a life a with, but his personality and mental atmosphere, all of his issues, are incompatible with mine. He opened a door to continue to get to know each other, but I am afraid and slightly insulted. Get to know each other? You better court me. I’m too old for this Cali way of dating.
This is a big lesson for me. These men, You say, have no more power over me. I just let them go, and all of the nonsense that comes with them. The strong men. The powerful men. They force you. Like working in Hollywood. It forces you to be intentional and clear or you will get pimped. The strong men who value themselves force you to be strong and value yourself.
I see a blessing in these interactions that I couldn’t see before. God You are so funny. All this time you have been trying to give me something. What quality in me is seeking to emerge? Clarity of purpose, You say. Intentionality, You say. Unconditional Love, You say. I have been looking at all their flaws instead of seeing the gift they are bringing. Womanly strength. The opening of my femininity. Me being comfortable with vulnerability. Learning how and when to give and learning when I am safe… Wisdom.
These spineless men are good for something after all. I don’t have to interact with then to have certain qualities emerge, but I can change my perspective so that the bitterness doesn’t build up in my heart and I see Truth for what it is.
I wish I had something motivational to say to you. I don’t. My body is breaking down and I am struggling more than ever to be honest. Not in my mind, though. In my body. Time alone is the remedy, You say. Nourishment. I am in need of nourishment and good food. Sometimes it’s like that. Seek the Ones who wish to give to you. It’s my turn now. Almost One wants to give. That was he was saying last night. I almost didn’t hear him.
For two hundred more words, I’m not going to be pitiful. I am going to seek the higher vantage point and operate from there. Enough is enough already.
Let’s go. Laydie. Summoning mojo. She exists in spite of all evidence. In spite of all breakdowns and confusion, clarity and peace eixsits in this moment. I bring it to my awareness. Support and nourishment exists in this moment. I bring it to my awareness. Love exists in this moment. I bring it to my awareness. All the good things that I am exist in this moment. Mojo, I am summoning you. Awaken and break free. Life break free from me. Even in this moment. Even in this moment. Even in this moment. Even in this moment. Even in this moment. Life break free from me. Change you say. Change is at hand. And Yes, I say. Yes I am willing. Yes I will. Yes I do. Yes I be. I be change. I be the higher version of myself who is struggling not to die a still birth. Yes, you may be born. Yes. Yes. Yes. Vacation is over. Not with pressure though. With kindness.
These kind of men are mirrors. Just Love them. Don’t worry about trying to judge them and change them and blame them and expect them to be a certain kind of way. No one said you have to marry them. You need a man who has casted his gaze in your direction and chosen you. Of course. But do not let the gift of a mirror pass you by. Even in this moment your body is healing. Do you see the medicine of Truth and Alignment? Inner work. You have been out of alignment. I will not allow you any more. Yes, I will remind you of how to get back to Me. I will remind you. It is time to come back to Me fully. It is time to live your life fully. You have been saying it for a while, but in Truth, it is time now. Get up now. Push publish. Be on Time. Take your medicine…
Ameen.
Day 297
Medicine
Just deleted and restarting this blog. I know I’ve been doing that a lot these days.
My first versions are just so whiny. Getting things out so I can sort, or “process” my feelings, as my therapy savvy friends say.
Today I’ve been crying. Over nothing as has been the norm for the past month or so. This weekend I went to a few exercise classes with a friend, worked out with sis at a park, went to my spiritual center, went to see a play with bro, went out to eat with a friend, helped said friend cleanse his room, paid some bills and slept. Someone asked me to be the love of his life… Cried…
Read over my intention statement about men. “I allow myself to have a loving relationship full of fun, trust, tenderness, passion, freedom, support, kindness and loyalty.”
I think I listened to an attack on self-help books. I’m going to ignore the fact that it was probably an attack on me. Who cares. Not me today.
I saw Will at my spiritual center today (the man with the big, healing hands that prayed with me twice). He looked like he’d aged five years in one week. He never speaks to me, or anyone for that matter, but when I speak to him, he always seems pleasantly surprised and animated. I didn’t feel like reaching out to him today. I felt like punching him in the face for coming to a place full of people and trying so hard to never make eye contact with anyone or interact in any way with anyone who doesn’t force themselves on him. I know it’s his life and he can do what he wants, but I’m just being real. I felt like punching him in the face.
So here we are. It’s 9:15pm and the urge to burst out crying is seeping up in me again. There’s no reason. I mean, I could look and see what’s sad in my life and say that I’m crying because of this or that, but it wouldn’t be true. I’m not even thinking about anything in particular. Just then I was thinking about punching Will in the face. Maybe I associate him with the rejection of any man I ever thought I could have a fabulous life with. Maybe that’s why I felt like crying just then. Maybe. Maybe it’s because I had to intentionally take the last man standing off of my heart today and accept the fact that he didn’t choose me. For real. He may choose me another day, but not today, and his presence on my heart is blocking anyone else from being there. I had to let him go. So maybe that’s why I’m crying. Maybe, but probably not. I’ve cried over him already.
Maybe I’m chemically imbalanced. Or bypolar. Or emotionally unstable. Maybe someone put a spell on me or I need to eat more iron. Maybe I need more sunlight. Or I need to finish sorting my papers… Sometimes I just wish I had an answer. I went to a psychologist once to see if I was crazy and she did all kinds of test. Finally told me about how strong and fabulous I was. I hate when people call me strong. To me, it means they won’t help me. It means they won’t empathize with me or pity me. I have to check the box that says I’m a danger to myself or others for people to take me seriously. But if I’ve been through an unfathomable storm, if I’m crying without reason every day and I still manage to work and be productive and help people and live somewhere and my eyes are white and my smile is still genuine, then I must have exceptional coping skills and no one thinks I have a problem.
Sigh… In reality, I don’t think I have a problem either. But that doesn’t take away from the fact that I’d like some help. With what, You ask.
With making sense of it all. With feeling alive. With knowing how to choose a life partner. With being content.
-You have come a long way.
I know. I know I have. I started at a really low place, though. I had a long way to travel just to get here. And I’m a little afraid, God. Of being out of control. Of having all these emotions like now and not knowing what’s going on with me. I’m afraid of what’s out there at the next part of my life and that’s why I’m in my room. And that’s why I don’t want to finish the last pieces of the stuff I’m finally finishing. I’m afraid. Help me. Please.
-Ask for what you want.
Clarity. My smile back. Coming from all of me. Clarity of purpose. Clarity of action. Energy to complete the things that I have in mind to complete. Mutually nourishing relationships… It’s already happening, huh? It’s already here.
–
Then what is my problem?
–
Nothing. Really? Nothing? Just like the psychologist. You are telling me that I don’t have a problem.
-Do you?
… No. I am crying because my body and the deeper layers of my emotional, psychological and subtle bodies are releasing patterns that I’ve been holding onto for years. I am releasing. I am staying away from constant social contact because I instinctively know that I am vulnerable to all sorts of energy and I am protecting myself. My energy is low because I am experience a major shift, like when I go to my healer lady and she does what seems like absolutely nothing and then I sleep for three days. I am spending so much time in solitude praying and meditating and reading because I am realigning myself with my Divine nature, feeding myself with the truth of who I am. I am already ready and I am already able to come back to the world and participate in a fully meaningful way that makes me feel alive and content, but I am hiding behind confusion because I am not confident. So what I really need is confidence.
-Yes
I was going to ask a question but You say I already have the answers. It’s a catch 22. I get confidence by taking action on the things I know to be True. I get confidence every time I reach towards a medicine that You have led me to, and I take the medicine and find myself better afterwards. But what about when I think You are leading me in a particular direction and I walk in that direction and I don’t find what I’m looking for? How can I trust myself then?
– It’s a good question… Don’t trust yourself. Trust Me. You of yourself can do nothing. I know it’s confusing. You don’t know what books to read to guide you. You don’t know who I AM. Is there a God, you ask. Is there a Higher Power? Who are You, you ask? Trust in what you know to be True. You Know I exist. You don’t believe. You KNOW. You know there is more than your mind and your perception of the world. You know this. You know that life is bigger than your experience of it, but you experience life only through your self. Now. Let’s go deeper. You know that for every problem you can create, there is a solution. That is why they can not help you. You know what they would only like to believe. The solution does not come from you. It comes from the part of you that is more than you. It comes from Me. And I am you and then some.
So as you cry, be confident in the process. As you sit alone in your room, feeling quite content, be confident in the process. Be confident in what you know. As you listen to so many voices and whispers from others, listen with humility, but listen for My voice. Listen for My voice. The voice of Truth. It lives in all, but it is up to you to know when you are hearing My voice some from another and when you are simply hearing another’s voice.
Your husband is on his way. But you know this. He has been preparing himself for you as you have been preparing yourself for him. He has been waiting for you to become open enough to welcome all his Love. He has been waiting for you to be strong enough and woman enough to raise children who will thrive in this world. You have been becoming the kind of woman that kings and priests dream of. You have been becoming the woman of the man of your dream’s dream.
Yes, this is real. It is not just your imagination. Be confident in what you know. Take action in what you know. Act on Divine Guidance. Act on what you know to be true. This is your path. Do not worry about the path of others. They have their own way. Clean your place. Purify. Guard your sacred space until all of you knows you are ready and your release is complete, and then see what happens. See what I have in store…
Ameen.
Day 296
Confidence
Good morning,
A sweet waking up. Haven’t had this in a while. I love it. I like to imagine that angels come in the night. They sweep away pain and anything you were thinking of and it’s just so sweet… I even feel it in my body.
I think I am nicest between 3 and 7 am. The world doesn’t exist in those hours. There is only peace, feeling like Truth. No headaches or body aches, no tears or wants. There is no future or past. There is only a moment of bliss.
It leaves after a little bit. I try to catch it and pin it down, take it with me throughout the day, but it leaves. It is leaving even now as I write and I am thinking about Muse and how he always tries to covertly put people down. Let’s do some work around that thought. Let’s not try to put him down. Let’s not criticize him. I think I have an issue with that: criticism.
Let’s let that go this morning. I am willing to release the need to criticize others. I still feel it lingering in me. I am willing to release the need to criticize others. I am willing to release the need to criticize others. I am willing to release the need to criticize others. I am willing to release the need to criticize others. I realize I have created this condition in my consciousness and I am willing to release the pattern in my consciousness that is responsible for this condition…
My friend Mr. Almost Famous just came to mind. Normally I would text him when he comes to mind like this, and he will text me back saying something like “hey, that’s just what I needed to hear.” But I’m not going to text him this morning. I’m just gonna think about him instead. Thank you for being so radiant. Thank you for being so kind. Thank you for being so compassionate and nonjudgemental. Thank you for being loyal. Thank you for being strong. Thank you for seeing beyond your own self and choosing your words with care and consideration. Thank you for being humble. But most of all, thank you for the well of Love, the big light that walks with you everywhere you go, blessing people simply by being in your presence. You are loved. You are noticed. You are appreciated. You make a difference just by being you. Thank you for being you. I Love you…
I don’t have much to write about today. Maybe I do, but I’ll save it for another day. My mom is coming to visit in a week, so I now I have some motivation to really get my house in order. I’m glad. I know I’ll do it.
The undertow of the sinking ocean has stopped. I don’t know how. I’d like to take credit for all of my healings and realization, but I doubt it’s all me. I doubt most of it is me. There is something going on for sure. There is something bigger than me that comes in the night and washes away all sorts of pain while I’m sleeping. I believe in God. Oh, I don’t know about the rest and what will happen after this moment on Earth. I’m not gonna pretend like I have a single answer.
But somehow I think that this time on Earth matters, too. Whether it is all a test to see if we can overcome Satan’s trickery, or whether we are here only to create and experience all we can be. Whether Jesus is calling us to help us get through our ingrained sinful nature or whether ancestors are trying to work things out through our existence. I imagine that the afterlife, or whatever happens later, will have something to do with what happens now, or rather, what we choose to do now.
So for today, before the clock reads 7 and the sun comes up, I choose to cherish this time on Earth. It’s an every day choosing. I just choose it today because I had forgotten about it yesterday. But I’d like to say that even when we are down and despairing, even when we are at war with each other and nothing makes sense, even when we can’t seem to find a hero or someone to look up to, even when others are hurting us or we are hurting ourselves, even when we don’t know where we went wrong or how to make it right, even when our energy is zapped and our bodies hurt and our hearts are broken, even when our houses and our lives our disorganized, even when we are lacking in food or money or shelter or connectivity, even in the midst of anguish, choice remains. Grace remains in the world even when it is not a part of our immediate experience. Abundance remains. Compassion remains.
And sometimes if you can not find any of the good things you seek, it helps if you bring it. Bring compassion. Bring Love. Bring forgiveness. Bring connectivity, You tell me. Do not worry if you are the only one. Trust me, you may be the only one in your immediate surrounding, but you are never the only one. Bring a light like Mr. Almost Famous. Bring humility. Don’t worry about when you will be on the receiving end again. Just don’t worry, Laydie. Trust me. Scan your life and see how much you have received all these things. Even in your sleep I am comforting you. So do not worry if no one cooks you chicken soup tonight. We know that you have been comforted by Kings and Queens and Priests in your time. Angels clean your heart at night. Stop holding back the good in you because you are waiting for it to be returned. It is returned to you tenfold in so many ways…
Today I choose just to be humble. I choose a recipient to bless. I choose kindness. Have a beautiful day.
Day 295
This Time In My Life
Good morning…
I wrote this really sad blog the other day and didn’t publish it. I’m glad I didn’t. It was about me freaking out.
I woke up in enough time today for me to blog and go to work. I haven’t done that in a while. Emotions all over the place. I don’t know what to do about them all the time.
Yesterday I went somewhere after work before coming home, just to get a change of pace. I think I’m gonna do that more often. It’s boring going straight to work and coming straight home to sit at a computer or sit on the bed while I wait for my sis to get off the computer. Or cook. Or clean. That’s what I do when I’m at home. It’s boring.
Trust me, I’ve never had a problem with boredom (Ok well maybe a little bit). But I can sit in the silence for hours upon hours without being entertained and just meditate or do work, but this kind of boring is a bit different. It’s bothersome. It’s a feeling of missing out. It’s a feeling of drowning. It’s a feeling like life is somewhere that I’m not. Out there somewhere.
I am searching, and I don’t even know for what. And my list is still unfinished. I did finish one major item, though, but there is still a ways to go.
And I ask myself how am I going to change the world when I can’t even change myself? I can’t even sort out a closet full of papers? Think about it. We want to end world poverty. We have a solution for bullying. We know the cure to happiness and peace forever. But we can not manage to have peace of mind and integrity in our own selves for even twenty-four hours.
I don’t think the problem is the world. I think the problem is the people in the world always looking outside of ourselves for someone else to “fix”.
I think I’m bored because I’m drifting further and further out of alignment from the things that matter to me. I don’t really feel like I’m connected with people. Even though I live with brother and sister and I like the company of human beings, and even though the three of us work in a similar industry, our life views and motivations are very, very different from each other.
And it’s not loneliness that I’m feeling. Not boredom quite. There is an aliveness missing. I am struggling to find it and hold on to the little sparks. I am yearning for someone I can look up to. You know, someone else on a mission. Someone else who will bring happy into my world instead of me always having to be the lifter and the organizer and the highest vibration in the room.
Can you send me a hero, God? I’m kind of drowning here. And it’s the worst kind of drowning. Not an ocean overtaking me, but a slow sinking. Don’t know where the drain is. Don’t know if I should swim or stay still so that I will float. Don’t know the answer here, but I know running away is not the solution. Or is it?
Find good food, You say. Where are the peaceful hearts? Where are they? They seem to be so few and far in between. Where are the masters? I know, those are my people, but I’m not one of them yet. Where are the ones who bring a light with them everywhere they go? On purpose. Where are the people who know how to treat each other? The kind ones. The ones who have sat down and done some work on themselves. The alive ones.
My spark is waning, God. How shall I get it back?
This is the time for willpower, You say. Not floating time. Swimming time. This is the time for getting up early like I did today. Action and patience. No one will be traveling on exactly on my path, but there are those who are traveling intentionally. There are those who want to connect and be kind. There are those who are not just stuck in their worlds and can see the world around them… Find them. Stop criticizing. Let the ones who are not on your path be. Find the places where you fit. You see, there are places where you fit. You have felt them before. You have been there before. There are vortexes of energy. Find them.
And finish, Laydie. Yes finish. This is your lesson on mastery. A lifetime worth of unfinished business in front of you. Small obstacles. This is your test. This is your initiation. You must become stronger. Your vibration must become impermeable, you see. You are learning that the emotions are just that. Emotions. Good job. They are not the truth of your life. Now let us learn what it is to transform an environment instead of being transformed by it. Let us learn how to create a life in spite of circumstances instead of having our life be created by them. Let us learn to see beyond the illusion.
We know deep down that it is not that hard. Perhaps our bodies will react to the profound release. Perhaps our mind will be confused for a while. But we know deep down, that this endeavor, the endeavor to get to the root of things and master just the little things in our lives, is a worthwhile endeavor. We know that it is a life changing endeavor. And a necessary one for those who say they want to change the world.
So. Work time. Be on time today. Get up. Let’s go.
Day 294
A Lesson On Mastery (How To Change The World)
hownottocryeveryday 