I know. This is two days in one day, but I need to sort out my thoughts before I do what I’m about to do.
I am fighting with someone close to me. Well, to me it’s just a fight. It may be deeper to her. We have had a bit of a dynamic for a while, and well, I can’t write all about it here, but I will say that on my part there is resentment. Because she never considers me. It’s not her fault. She is always preoccupied with the current fire of the day or month or year and she will inevitably do something, or not do something, that offends me in a deep way.
The action is usually small. Forgetting about a commitment that was made, taking something I value without asking, inviting someone over that I don’t like or filling a garbage can with trash until it overflows. But what’s under it is always what’s upsetting. She never considers me. Or hardly ever, I guess I should say. And it would be OK if she just has so many fires to put out that she never considers anyone, but that’s not true either. She never considers me. And that makes it personal.
And so every so often when the little acts have built up and the time comes when I’ve had enough, I don’t hold back with my words. I let them loose uncensored. And they hurt. I know they hurt. I know I have a way with hurtful words, but I don’t care. I let them loose anyway.
And she cries and calls me mean and runs away and shuts herself off from me, but still I am not sorry. Because I meant everything I said and I’d say it all again. Because she never considers me…
And I am angry with her. For all of the fires she is constantly creating and trying to put out. For never considering me…
I remember when I first came back to Cali. My brother picked me up and I asked him if he was glad to see me. He wasn’t. My brother. My heart. I was so excited to see him, but he wasn’t glad to see me. He looked at me like I was a burden to him and on the ride to the hotel he called me stupid. Well, I wasn’t just gonna’ sit there and let him call me stupid! I called him stupid, too. And we fought. And that fight lasted years. I guess we finally stopped fighting, but we’re not as close anymore. There is a veil between us and we both are very careful when we speak to each other, lest we say the thoughts we really think, the thoughts that will shatter the pretense of peace we have created.
But I digress. The thing about this anger in me towards this young woman that I’m so close to, is that even though I feel like I am in the right for being angry, even though I feel like my lashing out is much less than I should, something about the situation doesn’t feel right.
But I am conflicted. The one side of me doesn’t care about peace. I want to teach her a lesson. But the other side of me is tired of teaching, and all it wants is peace.
And here I get to grow. I get to say sorry. I’m not sorry for lashing out, but I’m sorry for all of the anger and resentment that has been building in me for so long that it causes me to lash out so easily. I am sorry that it has come to a point that I can not see the good in her. That is the worst thing. When you can not see the good in someone. I have been doing to her what my brother and what one of my close friends did to me: treating her as if she is a thing to be tolerated; a burden. And she is so much more than that. She is a blessing. She has been trying to be a blessing in my life for so long and I have been so blinded by the little things that I haven’t been able to see it.
So I get to say sorry. The thought is not as daunting as I thought it would be. I actually mean it. Sometimes you have to be on the other side of being poked at and picked at, of being unforgiven and judged for every little thing. You have to be on the other side of being simply tolerated, or of feeling like someone’s obligated instead of someone’s beloved before you are able to see yourself and see the way you are treating another person. There is a world of difference in the way someone treats you when they can’t see the good in you.
I think there is something very deep in this. I think this is the beginning and ending of wars. When we cannot see the good in another, it is easy to kill and not feel sorry. And when we can look at another and see the fullness of all of the glory they bring, things become easy to forgive.
I have been a stone. So very hard. And tonight I get to soften a bit. Tonight I’m gonna say sorry and I’m gonna forgive. Because I want to. Because I mean it. I finally mean it… Alhamdullilah.
Day 307
When They/We Can’t See The Good In Us
Good morning World.
I’m having another quit a job moment, but I won’t quit. Not today. They say my job is a dream job. People wait for years to get hired. We have great benefits, an excellent union, and all kinds of perks. Our work is not that strenuous. We can get promoted quick and move to all kinds of heights in this organization. At the end of the day, we can make a lot of money and retire early if we just stick to the rules. Our kids can go to college for free. We can get help going to college if we want to go back to school. It’s a dream job, they say.
But it’s not my dream.
I had a lot of dreams last night. I don’t remember any of them, but they were busy dreams. And I woke up wondering, ‘where do we get dreams from’? I mean, not the dreams we have at night, but the dreams we have of our life. I’ve been doing this writing thing almost as long as I’ve been able to write. The other day, my mom sent me the manuscript of a story I wrote when I was 8. Eight. And it was a good story! I’ve been doing this all my life and I’ve been wanting to be a writer all my life, but where did I get this dream from?
Because for all the dreams I have, I can’t remember a time that I haven’t had it. I even wanted to come to California as a kid. Not for Hollywood, but for the beaches and the Native Americans. I dreamed of what it would be like to know a Native American and go surfing…
Any way. Good morning World. Today I am realizing that my job is not my dream come true. It is a holding place. Like in The Alchemist when the little boy stops at the glass shop for a year before he continues on his journey. This job and this current life is someone else’s dream come true.
My dream is different. I don’t know where it comes from, God. It’s not my mom’s dream. Or my dad’s dream. It’s no one in my family’s dream. All these ideas I have about the life I want to live, I don’t know anyone else that has these ideas. But where did they come from? Because they make it really hard for me to go to work when I would rather sit at home writing and exercising and reading and studying ways to master the things I really want to do.
And how can I devise an exit strategy? That’s where I’m at right now. I need an exit strategy, God. An out point. So that I can carry on with the things that really matter to me in life. I’m not into being poor anymore, though, or living under other people. So I can’t just quit a job when I still have rent and debt. And I’m not doing that whole freelance hustle thing. That’s even more stressful than working a nine to five. But I need time now. I need time to focus on the things that really matter. I’m working at a snail’s pace here because I spend the big portion of my day at work. At this holding, stabilizing place that has no movement.
There are eight minutes left before I have to get dressed and go into the world, so I’ll take this time to close my eyes and pray.
God, I am grateful to have a holding place. I am grateful to know stability again. I am grateful because where I am now is a step forward from where I was. I am grateful to be stable in LA. It’s a big deal. And I thank you. I know there are miracles in every single moment. Every moment. And I sit in the seat of Wisdom. I sit in the seat of Truth. I sit in the seat of Peace. I sit in the seat of Guidance. I let everything go. Everything. Everything. Everything. I let everything go. Every and anything that would block, hinder or destroy my good. I let it go. I open. I do not need to understand how things work. I let go of the need to understand and control everything. I only want my dream to come true. My real Dream. The one that comes from You.
I only want my Real dream come True. There is a little strength in me now. There is a little patience in me now. There is a little wisdom and, well, my cries just aren’t so life altering any more. My will is strengthened and the broken parts are almost wholly mended. From this place, this Place of Truth and understanding, I pray. Let Thine Will Be Done With Me. Let Thine Will Be Done Through Me.
I am choosing to live my Dream come true, but I don’t know how it will happen. But I don’t want to worry about it anymore. I don’t want to stress over it and start strategizing. I want to live the real way. I am telling you, God, where I am directing my will. Guide me, please. Show me what to do next. For now I sit still. And wait.
Ameen.
Day 306
The Dreams
Good morning God. Good morning world. I’ve been up reading, praying, and meditating for the past few hours. I Love Saturday mornings. I can take the time I really need to center myself.
The new book I’m reading is called The Untethered Soul. The writing style is simple and organized. I have heard of the information before, but not in this way. Very simple. I am about a third through the book, and so far, it is about opening. The argument or thesis is that most of our problems are created by blockages that we store in our energy centers from childhood. He goes on to say that the solution is to constantly, intentionally open ourselves, especially when we feel inclined to close up, and to let emotional, mental, and physical, and spiritual blockages be releases when they come up, instead of trying to repress them.
Worth thinking about and trying out. At least for me.
Thinking about this blog and all that has transpired since I started writing. Yesterday my sis and I were walking around a park in the ghetto. We got to talking about how hard life can be in LA and I told her some of the stories of my struggles here. She had no idea of all that had happened. And really, as I was talking to her, I realized all that had happened. And I realized where I am today.
Food, shelter and a stable mind are very simple things. But they are things that I didn’t have just a year ago. Me. Rookie Teacher of the Year. I didn’t have those things. And I’m so glad that I went through that time.
“I asked for Strength and God gave me difficulties to make me strong… I asked for Wisdom and God gave me problems to solve.”
I am so glad that I went through that time. I’m sure there could have been other ways. I know I don’t have to experience every single thing in the world in order to have compassion, but I’m glad that I experienced what I did. Yesterday, as I walked through the park and I saw the homeless people, the people selling drugs, doing drugs, tricked out, hopeless, good and crazy; as I smelled the stanch of the inner city and all the rotting things, I could just see it for what it was. I didn’t get all depressed and start thinking about how bad the world is. I didn’t want to be a hero and save everyone. And I didn’t feel like I had to have a loyalty to the downtrodden and just hang out in the stinky park so that I could prove that I hadn’t become too bougie. I wasn’t scared of the people either, though. They were just people. Like me. I had slept in my car years ago at that park and the woman in her car years ago was of the same essence as the stable-minded woman who writes at a desk in her gated community today.
We are just people. All of us doing the best we can. A deep well of forgiveness and compassion grows in me these days. A reservoir of Love and Gratitude bubbles up. I have been releasing it all, without even knowing. We have been cleansing. Oh, there was so much to clean, but we have been letting it all go. An underneath the pain of all the past and the fear of all the future, my heart still lives. Vibrant. I am still here. Vibrant. Can you believe it?
Yesterday I met a man. But before you say ‘here we go again’, let me tell you the story. Because it’s a good story. I was headed to work and as I was leaving my complex I saw two guys standing across the street. One of them was my neighbor that I’ve seen walking around the neighborhood for the past two plus years, but never spoken to. My neighbor’s friend waved me over, and when I came up to him, I recognized that I knew him. He is a singer and I had just seen him in a show not even a week ago. We talked and chatted and my neighbor finally introduced him. He is a musician as well and he has a British accent. He owns the house across the street. The house that I call the music house, because there is always music coming from it. He is tall and handsome and so polite and gentle. His friend forced us to exchange information because both of us seemed to shy to ask the other for any info.
Why is this story so significant? Because these guys had such a high vibe. They gave me a t-shirt and a poster and I went back to work feeling elated. Them? In this neighborhood? I automatically got over every guy that I’ve been pining over. I know. Neighbor might not even ever call me. But it’s OK. Because what they have done is help me remember. It is possible that Love could be right across the street from you. Right across the street. And you can pass by it for two years and not even recognize it. Do you understand? There are so many possibilities for our lives that we are not even aware of. Do not think that your current experience of life is the end of the story. Do not get trapped in the lie that all that has been is all there is.
No. It’s just not true. The truth is that our lives can change drastically at any given moment. The truth is that even in this moment, even in the midst of grief and pain and disappointment, we can experience Peace. The truth is, the human will is mighty, mighty thing, and when aligned with the will of the Most High, magic can happen. The truth is, life can be better than we imagine. I am a witness.
Open yourself to the possibility that life can be better than you imagine. And see what happens. Ameen.
Day 305
Open (It Ain’t Over Till It’s Over)
Good Morning.
I called in to work today. Don’t worry. I’m not quitting. Not yet. The last time I called into work, I sat at home and finished the final draft of my screenplay.
Today I’m going to use the day to do some maintenance. Realignment. A chiropractic life adjustment. It’s much needed and much needed right now. I saw that I was beginning to step into some quicksand if I didn’t call a time-out, I was going to start sinking real fast.
I like this kind of life. Not having to go to work and being able to spend the days focusing on what is meaningful to you. This is the shift I am making, God. Focusing on the transition. Moving into purposeful living. It’s all purposeful living, but it’s all about choice.
My film is moving. People with money are getting involved. They like it. They actually think it’s worth making. And I am imagining that it might actually be possible for me to do exactly what I’ve been called to do with my life and still pay off all my bills and debts and maybe even have some land a house that I can raise a family in. Maybe even have a family. Kids and a husband and an avocado or mango tree somewhere. Kids and a husband. A husband and kids. A husband…
Writing this blog makes me realize just how much drama happens every single day. Every single day something happens that can get a sensitive person all riled up, break your heart, make you sad. Every single day a million thoughts cross our mind, and sometimes no thought at all as we go through the monotonous motions of survival. The monotonous motions of relationships that don’t fill us up. The nine to five that takes up all of our time that we know will never really take us where our soul wants to go.
Today I declare a time-out. A realignment. We must get back on track, Laydie. God has been pushing us back on track anyway, with breakdowns and intolerable smells. Forcing us to clean-up. Forcing us to pay attention to our bodies and our minds. Making us sick when we go around certain people so that we can pay attention and learn to discern between what’s good for us and what’s bad for us. He has been sending people who believe in us even when we don’t believe in ourselves. Secret heroes offering smiles and kind words and food and gifts and hugs. God has been here on our side all along.
It’s time for us to get on our own team and take ourselves seriously. Take our lives seriously. And I don’t mean getting on some melodramatic self-righteous high-horse… The words are taking over me. I mean stop, already. Just stop being miserable. And listen to the true things within you. Listen to the true calling within you. Listen. Listen. Listen. Listen… Listen.
We are grown-ups now and we can do this life thing. We can. We can do this life thing and it doesn’t have to be a headache. Or a burden. It doesn’t have to be so sad all the time. Or so ugly all the time. Or so poor all the time. Or so sick all the time. Or so confused all the time. Or so mean all the time. Or so lonely. Or so dirty and disorganized. It doesn’t have to be so fake and meaningless. How can I change it? You ask. I don’t know. I don’t know if you can change life. You have to change you.
Yes, you. You may not get a different man or a different job or a new house right away. You might not find a religion that fits immediately. In fact, your life might crash and burn for a while and you may experience great tragedy and loss when you are trying to change. Most likely, something in your life will get stirred up. A natural disaster may wipe away years of building up. People may die. Someone might break a promise and you may lose all your money and possessions. Someone you love might leave. Disappear forever. And all that will remain is you. And the choice you make after the fact.
Today I am sitting in my room after the fact, God. Making a choice again. Thank you for pulling me out of the quicksand before I could get in too deep. I am choosing peace of mind again. I am choosing a good life again. Cleanliness. Good smells. Purposeful work. A choice must be made first and then the action comes. How do I decide what to do about all the random men in my world? I have to chose first. When I choose peace, then I know what to say to my Almost One. I know what to do about Mr. Almost Famous and I know how to forgive Dream Lover as he lives his dream without me. When I choose peace, I have no interest in consorting with demons. When I choose peace, I know when to take a break and clean my room, because I can’t pray and meditate when my room’s not clean, and I can’t have peace (not yet) if I don’t check in with myself regularly. When I choose peace, I must do life work that is meaningful and that expresses my gifts and talents, because my mind is not at peace while I am spending long hours pushing papers and dreaming of all these ideas. When I choose peace, my hair grows. LOL. So I choose peace again. I know. I think I chose it in my last blog entry. I choose it again.
Oh Lawd, I just got disturbed… Yes, indeed. LOL.
I am just grateful for this new perspective. I am grateful that I can stand on the outside of myself and see myself now, walking into quicksand, and I can tell myself to stop. Honey, walk another way. Look to the light where you are headed and do what you gotta do to get there. Nourish yourself so you will be strong for the journey. Release the ties that bind you in one place. All that anger and resentment. Leave in the dark woods, baby. Just leave it there. Discover the gifts within you that you will offer once you get to the other side. You can get to the other side right now, but since you believe you have to tarry a while here, we’ll tarry a while. Make peace with everyone. Make peace with everything. Make peace with yourself. Cultivate the light within because baby, it’s some bright things coming your way. You gotta be able to hang. So walk now. We’re back on track. Remember Me, and We’ll never get lost again…
Day 304
Cultivate The Light Within
Good morning Life. I’m back. I must say, this was the shortest period of possible depression that I have experienced.
I’m back. And better than ever. Well, mentally and spiritually at least. Physically I am still in recovery, but I have no doubt that my body will soon catch up to what is happening inside of me.
I don’t even know where to start. Let me start by saying that I just read some of my favorite book, Oneness. Reading Oneness is like going to my spiritual center. I hardly ever remember what I read about, but when I am done reading, I feel so uplifted and connected. I feel like anything is possible, and although I can’t articulate it. Everything makes sense. I mean everything. Petty disturbances are just that. Petty. And everything seems possible. The highest possible good for all involved becomes my ambition. That was in the book today…
I am setting my focus before I leave the house. I caught up on the new season of Scandal last night and watched the three or four most recent episodes. What was interesting to me was how little control the people had over their lives versus how much control they thought they had. They were all puppets and most of them were not even aware of who was pulling their strings.
I think to a certain extent we are all puppets. Control is an illusion. The question is, who shall we choose to pull our strings? What shall be our master? Because one’s entire life is created according to a focus or a lack thereof.
I don’t know what I’m saying. I am understanding something that I can’t yet put into words. So I’ll keep quiet about that until the words come. In the meantime, I won’t delete this entry and start over. I’ll just start over here.
Good morning World. Can I tell you what is happening? I am starting to believe that I am who I am. This past week, three different people told me about myself and I was floored. I don’t know how the conversations started, but with all three of them, I was either talking about making my projects or finding a man. I was aiming really low, trying to see what I can get, and they told me about myself. They described me and the completion of my projects as the things I see in my dreams.
Even though I sit in my room and write blogs to sort out my thoughts. Even though I’m not rich yet. Even though there is no man in sight. Even though my movie is not in production yet. They still think I’m this woman. The woman of my dreams. A woman who can bring joy and happiness and Love to an occasion. They still think I”m beautiful and they actually think I could stand next to a king. I mean, like a real king. Or a priest. They are sure that my projects will be wildly successful. They think I am the person I dream of being now.
And all this time I’ve just been talking. Well, not just talking, but not really sure if anything I ever say will come to pass. Just hoping. At some point between yesterday and today, I had a brief moment of knowing. I became those three people and I knew. It was less than a few hours, but for those few hours, I knew that I was already the woman of my dreams, just like those people saw me. I knew that all of my heart’s desires are already coming to pass, and I knew that every good thing that I wanted to give and have would be given and had. For a moment there was no worry or fear. I was only excited about the activity of living. And my mind was at peace.
I am hanging on to the coattails of that moment right now. I don’t want my mind to categorize everything and start trying to figure everything out. I want to take it with me as I leave the house today. Plant it in my smile. Bury it in my step. I want to breathe it into all the misaligned places in my body and mind and let them know. I can not put this understanding into words yet, but feel it. Know it.
Life is gonna be all right. Life is all right. I know people are dying and fighting and getting sick. I know. People are hungry and wanting to do things that they can’t do and feeling powerless. I know. Love seems illusive and dreams just seem like dreams. I know. Trust me, I know. Debt mounts up and bills barely get paid. And one’s mind and emotions run amuck and it seems impossible to make sense of anything at all. I know. People hate you just because you are old or young or black or white or pretty or ugly or gay or straight or Muslim or Christian or atheist or happy or sad or quiet or loud or selfish or selfless. People hate you because you are confused. And people hate you because you are not confused. People hate. I know.
There is a lot to cry about. And we can cry forever and forever create things to be unhappy about. But I dare you to seek out peace in spite of all that is transpiring. I dare you to choose peace anyway. I dare you to be willing to see that the undertow of the world is only a part of it. It’s only a part of it. If you are feeling lost and discouraged, if your life does not look like you imagined it, if confusion and depression overwhelms you, if demons haunt you, if you do not think you will ever have your heart’s desire, if your heath is failing and you can not escape grief, I wish I could give you the cure. I know it is deeper than my words on this page.
But I will tell you something that seems to work. Seek the thing you seek. And I’m not talking about going out there and getting a job and putting an ad on a dating site or popping some depression meds. Yes, those are all actions you may take. I’m talking about sitting down, though. On your prayer mat or meditation rug. Or on a bench in nature or a church. Or in a library with a journal. Or in a dance or yoga class. I am talking about sitting down with your own mind. With your own Spirit. Sit down and look within for a place of peace. Every freaking day. Look for it. You will find it. Maybe hidden under so much muck. But once you find it, you will not be satisfied until you find it again.
And once you find it again, you will not be satisfied until you find it again. And again. And again. And when the demons come, you will entertain them for a moment out of habit, but they will become bored with you and you will become bored with them. Because the good stuff is so much nicer. It’s so much more filling. And you will seek peace. Until you find it again. And the other things in life, the job and the man and whatever else, will take care of themselves.
This is all theory, or course. I am testing it out as I write about it. I have found, though, that sinking into quicksand isn’t quite my thing any more. Nor is fighting men or crying every day or being confused and unhappy. I’m not really into body breakdowns or nervous breakdowns any more. Religious debates are a bore now. And stress… well, it makes my hair fall out, and I’m slightly vain, so no room for that. Peace is finally giving me no other option and I court it willingly. We had a moment today, dear Life, and I shall court you moment by moment until you become me… Thank you so much.
Day 303
Seek (Until You Find)
I’m trying to get ahold of time. Feels like I need a whole day to just sit and pray and meditate. Go out to some ocean somewhere and breathe in the air of trees. Pray and meditate. Read a very inspirational book. Call someone to clean up the house that is progressively becoming dirty.
Don’t work this weekend. I had signed up to work overtime at my job job this weekend. I’m canceling. I need to get a grip of my time.
In between working nine to five, working on creative projects, exercising and doing physical therapy, doing house stuff and sleeping, I barely have any free time.
And the thing about life is that it doesn’t care if you have any free time. It still goes on. The stuff that needed to be done still needs to be done. I feel like calling in to work this morning. Getting that “quit a job” itch. Want to spend my time focusing on things that lead me towards the manifestation of my life’s purpose, not survival things that keep me in the same place forever.
I need time to pray and meditate and read my books. These are my medicines and nourishment and I must take them seriously. I didn’t wake up in a particularly good mood today. The angels didn’t come in the night and lift me up like they do sometimes. I’m not feeling excited about work or excited about anything in particular. My job is a total misuse of my skills and abilities.
But there must be a way to make this day good. Even though I don’t feel good. Even though my thoughts are not the best ever. There must be a way to have a good day.
Good day World. Let us imagine that there is time enough. Let’s be radical and step out of our circumstances so we can see a little clearer. And let’s imagine that there’s time enough. And even more, let’s imagine that one can have a good day even when one is not in a good mood. Practicing alchemy. Practicing power. Yes, Power. It’s not a bad word when used correctly. Let us rise above this thought that we are victims and life is constantly just “happening” to us. Let us happen to life for a minute. Just a minute. I’m just taking a minute here. Because I’m gonna win. Or I’m gonna die trying. There are no other options.
So, God. I am sourcing Your smile in me. In spite of all my thoughts. In spite of whatever is happening or not happening. I am choosing to swim and float. Recalibrating and getting onto another wave.
I am standing on the outside of me looking down at me. At some point we must be changed. Not thinking about change. Not wanting to be changed. Not writing about it and talking about it. At some point we must be it. We must be the people we have been dreaming of being. And there is preparation. And there are trials and errors and there will always be trials and errors. But at some point, now for me, we must look at the trials and errors for what they are, simply trials and errors, and we must finally rise above them.
And fight. We must fight. But it is not a war of guns and force, killing people and stuff. There is no need to push another down for one’s dream to come true. The fight is a fight to rise above one’s own past. The fight is a fight to see the higher perspective in spite of one’s current frame of mind. The fight is a fight to have a good day even when you don’t feel like it. The fight is a fight to demonstrate all that you know you know! It is the battle to get up and have a good day even when you wake up crying for no reason. It is a sourcing of hope and faith and strength from reservoirs that you can not see but know exist. A brain trick. A seemingly crazy thing to do. A very strong thing to do. A warrior thing to do.
Today I am a warrior. I demonstrate a good day and I demonstrate progress in spite of whatever feeling is trying to usurp my life. I will accomplish a moving forward today. God willing. And God is willing. I move forward today. I fight. Yes, I fight. I take out my sword and smile…
Day 302
The Good Fight (On Having A Good Day)
Good morning.
I can’t write long this morning. Going to work in a little bit and have to get dressed.
I just wanted to check in with you and check in with myself. I’ll wake up earlier tomorrow. I wrote on time today. Kind of weird to have my writing done at the beginning of the day and have free time at the end of the day. I’ve become used to being busy being busy and this is a new way of doing things.
Shall we start the day with some good news? Shifting focus from my whole life revolving around my many male entanglements is a big deal for me. I have been perpetually in a relationship but never in one for some years now. There has been some lingering emotional attachment to some man for quite a large portion of my life.
The thought of not having that is daunting. You see, being wrapped up in some emotional drama at least makes you feel like you have something going on in your life. Without it (at least in my imagination), there is just work. So I’ve been holding on to these things that aren’t good for me out of a fear of not being connected to something. Not having any action in my life.
I’m not gonna lie. The fear is still there. Last night I did a picture brain session that was particularly exhausting. I had to do with this issue of men. I had to make a list of all the men who had some sort of emotional charge around them. Anyone that I felt I had unresolved issues or resentment or bitterness towards. Anyone who I felt owed me an apology or anyone that I was waiting and/or hoping to reconnect with. In my session, we only talked about one particular person on the list, and I had to let go of my attachment to him. But it was hard. I didn’t want to. Deep down, I knew that I have to go through this part, though. What I have been doing has not been working for me. It has been making me sick and holding on to all these people will never give me any space to have the fulfillment of a real thing.
But it was hard. The session was hard. It didn’t feel good. And the thought of not having some man to pine over doesn’t make me feel good. But let’s face the truth. I’m single. I’m single. Gosh, I have to say it myself a little more so I can actually get it through my head. I’m single at this point in my life. There is no man. There are men from the past who will always and forever be looking for a way to pass the time, but they are not my man.
I’m single. It hurts. Not really. I think it should hurt, but it doesn’t really hurt. It’s just not what I want to say. It’s not what I want to hear. But it needs to be said and heard by me.
There is no ex waiting in the wings to say sorry and start everything afresh again. There is no somebody who passed me up who is going to turn around and realize one day that I’m the Love of his life. I’m single. Whatever promises of babies and dream lives I made with whoever are null and void. They did not come to pass. I’m single. And I’m still alive. And I do not know when the day will come when I will not be single.
So now we can start with Truth. Good morning World. What are we going to do about life as it is? Here is where we are. With all of our disappointments and failures. With all of our hopes and dreams. Here is where we are and what we have done with ourselves up to this point. And yet we are still alive. And we are not going anywhere.
Joy still beckons in the back of my mind. My smile still whispers, “find a way to share me.” Life still has meaning even when you’re single. For my demonstration today, I am going to find one good thing. Just one. That makes me feel alive. That makes me be alive. That demonstrates a connectivity with all that is. One thing happy while I’m single. I need my brain to know that it’s possible.
Being single is not equivalent to death. Let us start with Truth and speak life into it. Life… Ameen.
Day 301
This Single Thing (Not Equivalent To Death)
It’s a process. Good evening world. It’s 7:30 pm and I have energy. It’s the first time I’ve had energy at this time of day in months.
I’m grateful. I know I wrote a pretty crazy extra long blog the other day. I almost deleted it after publishing, but I decided to keep it. This blog is not a literary concoction. This is what really happens when someone tries to change their life. There are crazy days when nothing at all makes sense.
Today is not one of those days. Today there is a bit of stability in my mind and body. I went walking/running yesterday morning and this evening. I started back on my writing schedule tonight. Just feeling a little easy.
My old welfare worker (yes welfare) sent me an email and asked me if I could write up my success story. She said that she wanted to share it with the new people she would be helping. She said that my story was inspirational. I wrote up my story for her and I remembered everything. I remembered cat-sitting a cat I was allergic to and staying on the couch at my friend’s mold infested apartment because I couldn’t pay my rent. I remembered counting change and looking on the ground near bus stops so that I could afford gas.
But mostly I remember the angels during that time in my life. My brother-in-law who cooked pot roast and brought it to my apartment when I was so hungry. My caseworker who believed in me and told me that I was going to find a job. The human resources guy at the prestigious job fair who gave me the inside scoop on how to get a job with his company. My friend who paid my phone bill. My family who sent me the little money they had randomly because they knew I would never ask. Even my ex, who, as opposed as he is to giving people money, managed to go to the western union and wire me more than half the money he had promised… I was carried through that time, God, and You gave me energy and strength even when I thought I didn’t have it. More than that, You taught me what faith really means. And You taught me true Compassion and Humility.
I am thankful for that time. I think it was the best time of my life. I think it was the best time in my life so far. Because now I can’t get depressed. Now I know that no matter how hard things are, there is always a way. It’s not just a theory for me. I know because I have experienced things being harder than I could imagine. I have experienced my body hurting more than I can imagine and my emotions running rampant. I have experienced heartbreak and abandonment and disappointment and I have experienced just wishing that my mind would stop racing so that I could get some rest. I have experienced not even being able to rest in my sleep and feeling hopeless and powerless. And in the midst of all that might have drowned me, I have seen ways open up that I never could have imagined.
And so now, when I feel like I am drowning, I am always sure that it is possible that ways beyond my imagination may open up. And for that knowledge I am grateful. As long as I live, I know there is hope.
In this moment of energizing gratitude, I cast my will upon the world again. What action can I take today to bring my life closer to a dream come true? I’d like to connect with someone. Who needs my Love today and whose Love do I need? I know who to call and I open my arms to whoever is to come my way.
My life is a good life. It’s always a good life. May we always remember…
Day 299
May We Always Remember
Hi there.
I don’t know what it’s going to take for me to feel better.
It’s almost 3am. Monday.
I still feel horrible.
Thought I was getting better today. Well, I take that back. My cold is gone, so I am a little better.But my head is still pounding with pain, and the head pain was/is the worst.My body still hurts…
I was Facebook stalking and I see that Dream Lover will be in town. Performing. On my birthday. Easter. The day of my photo shoot. Forty days from today. My sister’s husband will have come to town to join her by then. She will be leaving.
I am feeling a little overwhelmed with emotion this morning. Remembering what life looked like when I thought I had a someone. No one can say I didn’t try. I tried the best I could and he ran away from me. Disappeared. All of his words, all of his gifts, all of the time we spent turned to dust before my eyes. Dreams of the businesses we would start to change the world became dreams again. Babies became bloody periods. Stifling screams. Why did he leave? Why did he love me so much and leave? Because he loved me so much. I didn’t imagine it all. I was there. He was there. I saw the way he looked at me. I felt the way he held.
He was my husband, God. And he left. I walked a little taller when I thought I had him. I felt a little more peace. I was a little more alive.
And now he will be back in town. And maybe he won’t see me. And maybe he will. But how is it that he is there and I am here pining for love?
What to do about these things, God? Allah. Jah. Jehovah. What name must I call you by so that I may understand? What shall I do about my heart?
What shall I do about my heart? Just like my body. I thought I was well. I thought I was done with all from the past and then a small thing comes to my attention and I am heartbroken again. Except it is not again. I have been heartbroken all along without realizing it. I have been holding out on love for almost two years now, mired in my poverty and my basic survival issues.
And now Dream Lover comes around, only in my thoughts. He doesn’t have poverty and basic survival issues. He lives the magic that people write about in books. We matched so well. I liked everything about him. I even liked the things I didn’t like. I was sure about him, God. Why did he leave?
The men say get over him. Move on. You deserve better. What kind of man makes the kind of promises he did and just disappears? And of course they are right. But it doesn’t matter that they are right. He lives in my heart just the same.
What to do about my heart, God? It is starving. My life is becoming stagnant. What to do about it? I am going through the motions of daily life, doing ok. I feel OK. Not depressed. Hardly ever depressed. Sometimes happy. But the thrill is gone. I am not compelled to wear pretty clothes or put lotioned socks on my feet at night so they will be supple. I’m bored with myself. The walls in my room are still white.
But if I thought Dream Lover was coming, or if I thought Almost Famous would ever look my way, or if I thought there was someone as fabulous as those two men who might actually love me, then I would paint my walls straight away. My movie would be made pronto. I would have an income that was compatible with my abilities, because I would want them to be proud of me. I would go out in nature every day and make my life exciting so that they could talk about how cool their woman was.
I would find more friends and build more community, so I could introduce them to my fabulous life. Because they are so fabulous, I would have to be fabulous too to stand next to them, but I’m up for the challenge and the transformation of my life is not to far off. I could have everything done in the next three months.
What a realization. I could have everything done in the next three months. Literally… I don’t know if I want to dig this deep this morning. Yes, You say.
I have been waiting. I have been waiting for some fabulous man to say he wants me, and then I can start my life. I have been waiting for Dream Lover to say he’s coming back, and then I would get my belly back flat. I have been waiting for Almost Famous to say he’s coming to town, and then I would really get on the grind to make my apartment a home, because maybe he might want to come for dinner.
I have been waiting. For some man. To say, “Yes. Life is worth living now that I am here. Let’s begin.” It has been my subconscious fantasy for as long as I can remember.
But no one is here. They have come. In spaceships and on planes. Riding bikes, cars and trains. On foot. They have come and asked me to go with them… I didn’t go. I stayed. I pushed and ran and fought. I didn’t go when they came for me and now we are all alone, pining for love. The dreamers who live for the dream alone, unable to face its manifestation…
I am a walking contradiction. So strong yet so fragile. I do not believe in the possibility that I will live without a man forever. There is too much Love in me to be given and that would defy all the natural laws. However, I don’t know when he will arrive. It could take days or years.
In the meantime, I have to get ready. I have not learned how to be the best I can be just for myself yet, and I’m not quite sure if I buy into that trending thought. I know I’m supposed to think, “Girl, you better be beautiful for yourself. You better be successful for yourself. You better do all that you’re supposed to do to make yourself proud.” Or I know I’m supposed to be trying to do good deeds and do stuff for the world so I can go to Heaven or make my mom or whoever proud, but that doesn’t motivate me.
What motivates me to do better in life is the thought of a fabulous man showing up tomorrow looking in my direction. It sounds really shallow, but it’s the truth. What motivates me is the thought of having the kinds of friends that Dream Lover has, and the thought of sitting around having fun creating stuff. I used to sit and talk about the purpose of life and feel called to do this, that and the other so that I can fulfill my purpose, but I feel differently about it now.
I don’t know. I’m changing so much. I am understanding what Howard Thurman meant when he said, “What the world needs is people who have come alive” and I am interested in coming alive again.
This is just not me anymore. I am smarter than this. I am more beautiful than this. I am more than this. I have much more to offer. I Love to share. I am cleaner than this, and mostly, I am more alive than this.
Dream Lover comes to my awareness and reminds me of how vibrant life is. I take a moment to imagine what I would do now if I knew a man was coming soon. What would I do now if I knew that soon I would be on set directing a movie? What would I do now if I knew that I would be signing patents on several inventions? What would I do if I knew I would be helping people overseas build communities. What would I do if I knew that my dreams come true were inevitable?
What would I do about my heart then? What would I do about my health and my livelihood then? How would I spend my time?
If I believed that dreams come true were inevitable, then I would lose weight. I would get my hair and wardrobe in check. I would make more money and pay off more debt. I would clean up my personal circle just a little more. I would cultivate different types of relationships. I would just tell the truth and reveal myself to more people. And share. I would study and read different kinds of books. I would put more love and color in my life…
Every situation is an entry point to a deeper relationship with God. For the next 40 days I am going to take action. I am going to live as if Dreams Come True are inevitable. I am choosing to believe that for me they are…
Action: morning walk
Day 298
If Dreams Come True Were Inevitable
