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Day 292 – When Somebody Loves You

February 12, 2014

I’m having a bit of a moment. Left work early ‘cus I’m not feeling well. Unfinished business still unfinished. Want to finish it. Gonna do my best today.

Wrote a whole entry and now rewriting. I think this is what they call a bonafide nervous breakdown. Like, my nerves are breaking down. My head feels all disoriented. Hands are shaking and stuff.

Nothing big happened. Nothing much happened at all. I met a new guy. He probably won’t be “the one” but he did something to my nerves and my spirit and everything. He opened my eyes to a really big thing.

I was at an event earlier this week. It was at a hall at a shopping center. Me and my sis went. We were on our way to the hall and stopped to get something to eat at the shopping center. And there was this dude. Staring at me. I didn’t notice him, but my sis noticed him staring at me. “Do you know my sister?” she asked him. He walked over to me. Introduced himself. Asked me for my number. He looked so young and he thought I was his age. But I’m much older than him…

I gave him my number and he called me that night. He came to my job to see me the next day. He didn’t ask if I wanted to see him. He wanted to see me and so he came. I went for a walk with him and we talked about everything… That was yesterday.

And today I’m realizing that someone wants to Love me. And it’s all a bit overwhelming. And I’m realizing that it’s been a while since I’ve been on this side of the equation. The pursued. The wanted. The receiver of gifts. He saw the wrist brace on my arm and wanted to massage my hand for me. He asked about my favorite things. Do you know there are people I have known for years, men who claim to be head over heels in love with me, who still don’t know my favorite color? But he asked.

I haven’t been loved in a while. I haven’t been wanted in a while. I haven’t been cared for…

There are all kinds of wanting. This man looked at me like he wanted me, not like he wanted something from me. He just wanted me. Not in a lustful kind of way. In an innocent way. The way a kid just wants you around. And I felt the difference.

And it has my head spinning all over the place. Has me home from work today. It took a babe to make me see how unloved I have been. How unwanted. How un-treasured. It took a babe to remind me of what it looks like to be Loved.

It’s not like guys don’t like me. Some do. But it’s different. They like what I do for them. They don’t love me. They don’t think about what, if anything, they can do for me. They don’t ask how they can add value to my life. They may ask themselves what they need to do to get what they want from me, but it’s all the wrong question. This dude was asking how can he love me. Period. He was paying attention. He’s not even worried about what I can do for him…

Good day world. We are at the dawn of a new kind of living. Sometimes I feel sad about the kind of life I have been living before. This Cali part of my life has only been a small portion but it feels like I have been here in this wilderness for so long. I am so overdue for a good thing. I am so overdue for a kind exchange. I am so ready to be cared for. I am so ready to just be open and honest with people and share goodness.

Life is so short. God, Thank You. I feel like I’m in a whole new world. It’s a whole new world for real. There are all kinds of people in the world. Even nice people who won’t hurt you on purpose. There are people who come with offerings and don’t just look at you to see what they can get. There are forgiving people who don’t take themselves so serious. There are people who think that relationships are worth the work. There are people who say sorry and move on. There are people who Love to Love and who, even when they do go through a storm, keep their hearts open. There are wise people and smart people and people who know more than you and can help you. There are people who will receive your love with no questions asked and love you just the way you are.

It is such a small thing. A man looks at me and is interested in me. It happens every day, but the timing this time… I was starving and I didn’t even know it. And someone offered me food. Good food. Pure food. I don’t have to sell my soul for it. I just have to receive…

I am enlivened. There is hope. I am envigored. I am grateful.

Day 292

When Somebody Loves You

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From → The Initiation

4 Comments
  1. Wonderful writing. I can relate in every way.

  2. I absolutely love your blog and everything you have to say. You’re amazing!

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