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Day 289 – It’s Been A While (Tarry No More)

January 28, 2014

Well well well… It’s been a while. I’m at home. Off work. Head hurting slightly. Candle burning. Alone with my thoughts for a while.

It’s been a while. Not that long, but ages seem to go by when I don’t check in. I’m closing my eyes.

It’s been a while…

Those are the words going through my head. Those are the words that my coworker told me today. The former doctor. He came and sat by my desk. He wanted to share with me. He feels comfortable sharing with me… He had had the flu for some time and is just getting better, and he told me that today he felt the wind on his skin. It had been a while. Ten years to be exact. He told me that it had been ten years since he had felt like himself. Ten years that he had been trying to see the colors the way he used to. Ten years that he had been looking for his smile. He told me that two days ago, after recovering from the flu, he felt the sun on his face for the first time in ten years…

It’s been a while. Years. Since I’ve had it together. I know that somewhere in my mind there is a memory of me “having it together”. All the way. But it’s been a while, you know. I’ve finally been sorting through all the papers that have been stored in my closet. Letters that are seven years old and have never been opened. Time passes. It just does.

And one day you wake up and realize you haven’t felt the sun on your skin in ten years. I’m going to miss my coworker. He’s leaving this Friday.

Love has been calling me lately. Life has been whispering my name. It’s been a while. Come out, come out, You say. Let us paint again. For the first time. Let us paint a beautiful picture and call it life.

Doors have been closing. Mean things don’t interest. Selfish things don’t interest. Closed-up things don’t interest. Oh, pettiness and broken dreams. I’ve had enough.

Dreamers, it has been a while. Lovers. It has been too long. Do you ever get tired of yourself? Just the littleness. The fakeness. My soul cries out for real stuff now. Come out, It says. You know you are ready to Love that much. You are ready. Stop pretending that you have no power. You know you do. Stop pretending life is happening to you. It is not true. You are happening to life. With every thought. With every breath. With every action. You are creating that which you would experience,

And what would you have? It’s been a while. What would you have now? There is patience involved in this process. And there is this thing about not knowing, which is where so many mess up. There may be days when you will not know. What is coming next? Where will I live? How will I make a living? Will I ever find love? Where will I get a friend? Will the world accept my work? How, how, how, how, how will I get well? How will I get well? How will I get through this?

There will be times that we do not know what is to come.  And I have no answer except to trust. In spite of all evidence, Trust that God is for you and not against you. And if you can’t believe in God, then believe in the Laws. There is no desire without an answer, and so if it is in you to Love, if you keep it in you, then Love you must one day. Smile you must. Share you must. Perhaps not now. Perhaps another life. Perhaps we must grow some more. Release some more. In the grand scheme of eternity, time never runs out.

It has been ten years since my coworker felt the wind on his skin, and it has been a while since I have felt the clarity that I am feeling write now. I wish that I could capture it in words, bottle it and keep it with me always. Everything is gonna be OK, you see. There is no more need for broken hearts and disappointments. There is no such thing. People come and go on their journeys and the question isn’t are they good or bad or nice or mean. It is not about blame. I have been asking the wrong question. You see, when you are building a life from scratch, the question starts with an intention. First, you decide what it is you would like to create and experience. Then you ask the question. Is this person/place/thing aligned with what I would like to experience?

And the answers become easy. You know where to work. You know who to date. You know when to say yes or no when you know who you are and what you want. And most importantly, you recognize when you have found what you are seeking. No manipulation necessary. No judgement of another’s journey necessary… The men have held me hostage for so long. Regrets, loss, pain, hope, tormenting my mind. They may go now. Live in peace. Be in peace, I say. I forgive you in Truth. I forgive you in Love. And I forgive me, even if you don’t.

Tarry no more in the depths of darkness and confusion. Our Soul cries out for Love alone and I must heed her call. At last.

Day 289

It’s Been A While (Tarry No More)

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From → The Initiation

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