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Day 291 – Free

February 10, 2014

I worked on a case today (I work in a social services office). It was a lady . My same race. Ten years older than me. Homeless. Like I was. Income of $422 a month from food stamps and a welfare cash grant. She was sick and needed help.

I got stuck on the screen where we verify income. That was my income. Not too long ago. How did I survive? How do we survive? I had to breathe.

People are suffering.

I wrote her name down. I’ll call her V. I wanted to pray for her. Write a poem for her. Make everything better. She was single. No kids. Living alone. From another state.

I cried… For us. I know this wasn’t her dream. God bless her…

God bless us.

My friend called me lucky the other day. Because I have a place to live and a job and a car… And I didn’t think that I was, because I am so far away from where I want, but I was V not too long ago.

And I know how she feels. You can’t even think about dreams. You can’t even think about Love. You forget your smile. Chaos and conflict is the norm…

God bless us.

My storm is ending, but V still exists, and there are so many more in so many places. My soul cries out. What can be said? What can be done?

Why so much pain everywhere?

I sit still in my warm room on my computer. My ergonomic keyboard. I know I will eat tonight. It all seems so unfair. I know my dreams will come true, but it all seems so unfair. It seems unfair that I am lucky, while V suffers ten years into my future.

It seems unfair that some people’s dreams don’t come true. But who am I to judge?

Truth and belief are not the same thing. The more I learn, the less I know about Truth. The truth is, I don’t know why we suffer so much. I don’t know people can’t just get along and why so many good intentions go unfulfilled. Everyone has an explanation and a remedy, but I don’t know why, with  all the explanations and all the remedies that we have, there are still so many suffering…

I digress. My heart is just hurting a little, though. Just a little. I made it through, but I know people, people close to me, who are still battling. Depression. Mental disorders. Loneliness. Not able to pay for basics. Living so hard. Losing their smiles. Smart people. Talented people. Good people…

I know, I am just looking for something to cry about. I just need to cry tonight. Even for myself. I just need to give it one more good cry. All the people I’ve loved. All the ones who’ve loved me. Gone. Aborted relationships. Miscarried. All the unkept promises. Gone. All the past. The suffering and struggling. Gone.

I don’t want to call myself lucky, God, because then it means that I have something special that the others don’t have, and it means they won’t make it through. Can we all be lucky? Can we all just make it through?

Don’t dwell too long in the darkness, You say.

-But the darkness is everywhere.

As is the Light… The answers will come in due time, and the unraveling of all that was once believed is the entry way to Truth.

Your life is no small thing. Your Lives are no small things. Insignificant but meaningful just the same. Every awakening matters. Every dream come true matters. Every Life matters. You are back to being connected. Her suffering is your own, and yes, there is so much suffering. But there is so much Light as well.

-God, I want to be all that I am here to be. I want my life to be all that it was made to be. I’m OK, aren’t I? I’m OK and I can do things now, can’t I? I am so grateful. You have no idea. The prison I have been in for so long… It’s gone. I can think again. What is this I’m becoming?

You are becoming free.

-God Bless us. God Bless us all.

Day 291


From → The Initiation

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