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Day 301- This Single Thing (Not Equivalent To Death)

March 18, 2014

Good morning.

I can’t write long this morning. Going to work in a little bit and have to get dressed.

I just wanted to check in with you and check in with myself. I’ll wake up earlier tomorrow. I wrote on time today. Kind of weird to have my writing done at the beginning of the day and have free time at the end of the day. I’ve become used to being busy being busy and this is a new way of doing things.

Shall we start the day with some good news? Shifting focus from my whole life revolving around my many male entanglements is a big deal for me. I have been perpetually in a relationship but never in one for some years now. There has been some lingering emotional attachment to some man for quite a large portion of my life.

The thought of not having that is daunting. You see, being wrapped up in some emotional drama at least makes you feel like you have something going on in your life. Without it (at least in my imagination), there is just work. So I’ve been holding on to these things that aren’t good for me out of a fear of not being connected to something. Not having any action in my life.

I’m not gonna lie. The fear is still there. Last night I did a picture brain session that was particularly exhausting. I had to do with this issue of men. I had to make a list of all the men who had some sort of emotional charge around them. Anyone that I felt I had unresolved issues or resentment or bitterness towards. Anyone who I felt owed me an apology or anyone that I was waiting and/or hoping to reconnect with. In my session, we only talked about one particular person on the list, and I had to let go of my attachment to him. But it was hard. I didn’t want to. Deep down, I knew that I have to go through this part, though. What I have been doing has not been working for me. It has been making me sick and holding on to all these people will never give me any space to have the fulfillment of a real thing.

But it was hard. The session was hard. It didn’t feel good. And the thought of not having some man to pine over doesn’t make me feel good. But let’s face the truth. I’m single. I’m single. Gosh, I have to say it myself a little more so I can actually get it through my head. I’m single at this point in my life. There is no man. There are men from the past who will always and forever be looking for a way to pass the time, but they are not my man.

I’m single. It hurts. Not really. I think it should hurt, but it doesn’t really hurt. It’s just not what I want to say. It’s not what I want to hear. But it needs to be said and heard by me.

There is no ex waiting in the wings to say sorry and start everything afresh again. There is no somebody who passed me up who is going to turn around and realize one day that I’m the Love of his life. I’m single. Whatever promises of babies and dream lives I made with whoever are null and void. They did not come to pass. I’m single. And I’m still alive. And I do not know when the day will come when I will not be single.

So now we can start with Truth. Good morning World. What are we going to do about life as it is? Here is where we are. With all of our disappointments and failures. With all of our hopes and dreams. Here is where we are and what we have done with ourselves up to this point. And yet we are still alive. And we are not going anywhere.

Joy still beckons in the back of my mind. My smile still whispers, “find a way to share me.” Life still has meaning even when you’re single. For my demonstration today, I am going to find one good thing. Just one. That makes me feel alive. That makes me be alive. That demonstrates a connectivity with all that is. One thing happy while I’m single. I need my brain to know that it’s possible.

Being single is not equivalent to death. Let us start with Truth and speak life into it. Life… Ameen.

Day 301
This Single Thing (Not Equivalent To Death)

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