Lovely World.
Good morning. A moment of peace in my mind.
They say darkness is everywhere. There are always problems. People will hurt you if you let them. They say you have to fight to make a life for yourself and there’s just not enough to go around. They say people will cheat on you and steal your man if you don’t keep a tight watch. They say you have to be on the offense with survival. It’s survival of the fittest. They say you are the only one on your team so F everyone else.
I look around me. The world is in a pretty tough spot. I can’t be among the most evolved. If I am, then we are in a really tough spot. Because people are sleeping. Zombies and puppets. Trapped in our minds. Trapped in our circumstances. Trying to control everything we can not control. Living our lives in response to a scar that happened when we were ten years old. Running, hiding, protecting, strategizing. Protecting our selves against dangers that do not exist. What if someone hurts me? I know what I will do. I will never open up again so that my heart is safe. Suffocating life.
Good morning, World. This is my anti-bitter post. This is my float or swim instead of drown post. This is my alive post. This is my fed up with depression post. It has been a tough week since my birthday. My mind went plumb crazy for a moment. Being vulnerable and relating to men I like tends to take me to the crazy place. People in my immediate surroundings have a million problems as usual and my computer is broke. I have deadlines to meet and I don’t know if I’ll make them with my broke computer. My whole foundation was shaken and I haven’t really understood the meaning of life in about a week. Emotions running rampant and psychiatrists still won’t make it easy for me and just diagnose me as crazy. No one has put a ring on my finger and told me they want to build the rest of our lives together. My body is still not back to complete health and my belly is still fat. That’s one perspective.
From another perspective, I have a job that people envy. I live in an apartment in one of the hardest cities in the world and pay rent on time every month. I have friends that come to dinner and family who loves me. I manage to muster at least three sincere smiles every week. I eat what I want and have money for leisure. People like my script and want to help me make it. Men approach me almost every single day with offers of companionship. And even though I have an existential crisis about once a month, from another perspective, my mind is pretty stable. Because I see all these conditions for what they are. Blips along the road. Opportunities for growth and understanding. Places in myself that need to be understood. Areas where I need Guidance.
I don’t lose hope. And for that I’m grateful. That is a real gift, God, and I’m so grateful to have it. After all, what could make me lose hope? I am alive. I am here. This moment is all I have. What good would it be to say let me stop and hide? What good would it be to say let me close my heart? What good would it be to say let me not try anything anymore? What good would it do to get caught up in all that could go wrong and not look at all that is going right? I’m not being naïve. I see all that is going wrong. I live right down the street from two welfare offices, the HUD department, a convalescent home and a shelter for teenagers. At my job, we work with people who are at their wits’ end. I see despair every single day. I see hungry people asking for a quarter every single day. I interact with people who think the sky is falling every single day.
I see what could go wrong. But I also see that the sky is not falling. It’s opening up. It’s all a matter of perspective. And if you can not see that, then at least be willing to acknowledge the Truth of the world is bigger than your personal experience. That is an entry point to seeing the Truth. You may be going through it. You may be overwhelmed. You may be heartbroken and not have anything you dreamed you would have. And you may have tried and tried your best and things still didn’t work out. You may have lost something so dear to you and someone you love may have made you feel like shit, may have told you that everything you did didn’t mean anything at all to them. Somebody may have died or disappeared and you may not know what to do now, since your life plan included them. Trust and believe I know. And you may have spent years working on some project or some goal only to have the recipients tear it apart in seconds. You may be hungry. You may hate your mate and wonder how and why you tied yourself that particular relationship. Your family might be abusive assholes who just don’t get you. It happens. You may not have family and feel unwanted or like you don’t belong anywhere. And you may have tried to give a gift from your soul to someone only to have them slap your hand and call you crazy. I know. It hurts a lot. I know.
We don’t know what to do. I know. But even in these moments there is choice. Choice is the only thing we have. And we can choose. We can choose to see the sky as falling. And in truth it is. Our lives and our perceptions are falling apart. But we can also choose to see what happens when the sky falls. It opens up. If we don’t get hit by that big chunk of falling sky and die, we look up and see a clear and open new sky. It is an opportunity. It will serve us to build shelters to protect ourselves against another falling sky, but it will also serve us to look up and see the sunshine. It will serve us to be basked in the potential healing that can take place. And it will serve us not only to look at how we can protect ourselves next time, but to also see what we can do differently. How we can learn to live in a world where the sky falls sometimes. How we can bask in the light when it may not always be there. What can we do in a world with falling skies? Can we be happy here? Can we find peace of mind here? In the midst of all the pain we’ve seen, can we still look up?
I don’t know much at all, but at least I know that I don’t know much. This world with falling skies has more secrets and treasures than I have ever dared to ponder and there is no safety in building houses that can be destroyed in an instant. This illusion of control is just an illusion. And so I look to the Creator of the skies. I don’t understand much, God, but I choose to look up. I leave it to You to protect me. I leave it to You to keep my Soul in tact. I leave it You to help me see.
Ameen.
Day 313
In This World Of Falling Skies (Look Up)
Good day World.
How are you? I am doing more than well. It’s Saturday, my favorite day of the week, and I have nothing planned until the evening.
I get to just laze around with my books and my thoughts and my prayers. I get to listen to the birds chirp in the tree outside my window, and at some point I’m going to go outside and feel the sun on my skin.
The craziness in my previous blog has simmered down. The verdict is out: I’m not crazy and neither are you. I know. It would be much easier just to call each other crazy and call it a day. Move on the next person. Someone who’s not crazy. And we do.
But there is something to be said about letting a thing run it’s full course. This thing with my Jerk-face Muse, it ran it’s course. A volatile course. A hurtful course. A loving course. I did and said everything I wanted to do and say. He did not respond in the ways I would have liked or anticipated, but I played my part. And because of that I can sleep OK. I can let the door close.
And I did. I let the door close. I didn’t close it. He did. But I let it close. It was an exercise in faith and it was hard because I thought our story was supposed to play out a certain way and I had to be okay with it not playing out the way I thought it would and me not being able to do anything about it. He could not see the good in me to save his life. And being around someone who thinks it’s a chore to see the good in you is the worst thing.
So I let the door close. And guess what? Immediately I saw an open window. Immediately.
A friend, my Neighbor appeared. Hadn’t spoken to him since our first introduction nearly a month ago. I texted him to say hi. He called. Came to dinner last night. I cooked dinner last night and had friends over. It’s something I had been wanting to do for years. Well last night, my sis and I hosted three friends. He was one of them. And can I say that when I talked to him that afternoon I forgot about all my grief? I forgot about Dream Lover and Jerk-face Muse and Almost Famous and Mr. Producer. All them became memories. All lessons learned in an instant. “Move towards the light” was finally heard loud and clear. “Walk towards One who walks towards you.”
“What can I bring?” he asked when I extended the dinner invitation. He brought pie and a wide smile. He brought authenticity, openness and vulnerability. He brought sweet slang talk and eyes full of depth. He brought gentle understanding manliness and kindness into my home. I told him some of my war stories with men and he didn’t call me crazy. In fact, he congratulated me on how I’ve lived my life thus far. He brought hope back into my heart.
Could it be possible that a nice, handsome, smart, prayerful, kind, open, childless, child-wanting, humble, funny, charming, mature, clean-spirited, sexy, honest, single, artistic, house-owning, talented, tall, brave, strong… did I say sexy? Sexy man lives literally right across the street from me. He called me beautiful. Could it be possible that he likes me? He looked at me some kind of way and I couldn’t hold his gaze. It was like he gave me an opening to see deep inside his soul. He did that on purpose. And I saw a deep well of love.
Could it be possible that a man with a deep well of love wants me to have it? Here and now? Me? For real?
“I’m looking for a wife,” he said. I busted out laughing. Who says that? In LA? “Don’t you mean you want to get to know someone or you’re dating or you’re open to possibilities and want to see how things go?” I asked. “No,” he said. “I mean I’m looking for a wife. It feels good to say that out loud.”
I am speechless. This kind of human being exists. In my neighborhood. Right across the street. Everyone I love would love him. He didn’t say he was looking for me to be his wife, but before he left, when I walked him to the gate, he said “I’m gonna’ invite you to dinner soon. So you can see the other half.”
The other half of what? Him? Me? Us? I let the questions be for now and take comfort in what is and what has been. A washing away of grit is occurring. A cleansing so real. Angels are everywhere, Allah. Thank You. Hope is an amazing thing. Hope begets hope. I don’t know if he will ever be my husband or if I his wife, but he could be, you see?
His presence means that I’m not crazy. His presence means that’s it’s possible that a man just like me exists. A deep spirit living in the middle of the inner city, bringing magic with his smile. We are actually very similar in our way of walking in the world. A man who’s actually looking for a wife exists in LA. And he’s gone through all the initiations so that if he actually finds a wife right now, he knows who he is and would be able to sustain a loving relationship. And he’s just as fine as they come. And even so, he’s still humble yet confident.
This is called hope. The possibility of a man like him wanting me is enough for me to get my act together together. It’s enough for me to want to get over all past relationships immediately. It’s enough for me to want to be happy for our sake. So I can have that good good love to offer. The tangible possibility of a good man is enough for me to want to slough off all the grit from my heart pronto, wash my face twice a day, and do my feet. It’s enough for me to want to take this writing thing to the next level ASAP.
Lord, You have given me right when I needed it most.
-Do not get attached to messenger, but hold on to the message, You say. You have been doing your own work, preparing a space for Love. You have been cleansing your vision and can now see the open windows that have always been open. Hold fast to Truth. Hold fast to Peace. Hold fast to Love. And hold fast to Guidance. Hope, Pray, Believe, and Open, Open, Open. Let go and walk. Demonstration time is now.
Ameen.
Day 312
Open Windows. Closed Doors. Hope.
Hi World. Good evening. It’s a quiet night. 8:35pm. I’m home alone. About to be stood up. Well, not really stood up. More like disappointed. I thought I was going to hang out with someone I wanted to hang out with. We didn’t make concrete plans, but talked about maybe doing something this evening when he was done with work.
And he hasn’t contacted me.
He could still be working but I doubt it. I think he found something else that he’d rather do more.
He’s not a very nice guy. He’s actually an asshole. I have a thing for assholes. I am drawn to them by forces beyond my comprehension with missions so absurd that I won’t even tell anybody. I don’t even usually want to be with them, but I say prayers and voices tell me, “love them”. Maybe I am trying to save them. I had the notion that I’d make a man out of this particular asshole and he would make a woman out of me.
I had the notion that he and I had unfinished business and that if we could manage to get over ourselves and get along for real and for good, then maybe we would be finally able to sustain loving relationships with people we want to be with.
I had the notion that if I was able to just love this asshole, who I love anyway for no good reason, if I was able to just not give his mean behavior any energy and just express and share what I felt I had for him, then I would be free at last and unable to be touched by all the mean things people do.
I had the notion that there was an epic healing about to take place between he and I. But he hasn’t called me. And I doubt he will.
Don’t ask me why I thought any of these things about he and I and the purpose of our relationship. I’ve only met him once and we have had an adversarial online relationship for years. I had no reason to believe that anything good could come from anything having to do with him. He is selfish. Usurious. Arrogant, egotistical and downright mean. Unforgiving. He gives very little yet expect much. I knew all of this, yet I was compelled to walk towards him.
And still I am compelled to walk towards him.
You will say I have low self esteem. Or that I like drama. Or that I’m not used to people being nice to me. Or that I need to feel like I’m saving people in order to feel valuable. None of these thoughts are true.
You will say he’s a nut and I deserve better, and perhaps this is true, but that’s not the point. The point is, I said a prayer and asked about this man in my life, and I was led to walk towards him, but he is not led to walks towards me, nor is he welcoming my presence.
So how do I know I’m not crazy? How do I know anything at all? How do I know that I’m not hearing voices?
Because You told me to walk towards this man and reach out to him for no good reason and I spent a lot of money and gave things that I don’t usually give and he’s an asshole and will probably be that way for some time. And still I’m not mad at him. I’m just disappointed. Because I thought we had work to do. I thought there was something spiritual going on here and I thought that if we could just manage to get along, just manage to let Your will be done between us, get over our ego’s and just show each other some Love like it was intended to be, then something major would be healed within us.
But he didn’t call and he probably won’t. And he is not interested in Your will. He is worried about whether our interaction is pleasurable to him.
And so if I think I’m hearing Your voice and I walk in a certain direction, but I’m the only one walking that way, how do I know I’m not crazy? How do I know it’s Your voice? How do I know that I’m not just trying to give meaning to an interaction that was meaningless? How do I know anything at all, God?
I am tired but not weary. I need some Truth to nourish my Spirit. I had an amazing birthday yesterday. I was surrounded by Love and showered with gifts. I danced a dream dance come true. I did everything that I wanted to do and got everything that I wanted to get. But I did not feel how I thought I would feel.
My ego is dying and without it, things aren’t making much sense right now. The rat race doesn’t make sense. Fancy clothes don’t make sense. Even silly men who disappear because they can’t face wholeness don’t make sense. Debt doesn’t make sense. My emotions and being sad or happy doesn’t even make sense. The only thing that makes sense right now is living the Truth of my life. And I don’t even know what that means. I don’t care about my name in lights anymore.
There are deeper things that interest me. Like the meaning of life. It’s OK if I never quite figure out which religion is the way of all ways or why we live and die. It’s OK if I never understand much and if I never know the meaning of life. If I can not find a religion that suits me, though, then I need to have anchors, benchmarks, a way to know what is true and what is not. A way to know which direction to walk. A way to know if I am crazy or not.
I am here in this body and I am here in this mind, Lord. I am here in this solar system on this planet in this country in this city in this apartment sitting on what I call a chair at a table in an apartment. Typing on a computer. I need to know how to know that I’m not crazy. I need a religion now, because my back is getting stiff from sitting still too long. And so I need to know how to know where to walk. It’s not in my feelings. It’s not in my mind. It’s not even wholly in the voices I hear and visions I have.
It’s in my heart, You say. Oh, thank You.
-Suspend your mind. Question the source of the voices. Let your feelings make you aware of yourself, but do not follow them. Get deep into your spirit, and from the vantage point of spirit, ask your heart. Your mind will follow. This is your way, Laydie. It is not everyone’s way. This is your religion. Be at peace, my dear. You are not crazy at all. You have come to Me at last and you are beginning to see what Is for what it Is. You have come to me at last. You are not crazy, my dear. You are just now becoming sane…
Day 311
How Do You Know You’re Not Crazy? (On Finding Your Religion)
Well, well, well…
A friend of mine wrote a song about me and Dream Lover. A while ago. I just heard it this morning. It’s an awesome song about the fulfillment of one’s dreams and the fulfillment of love. It’s an awesome song.
Dream Lover is in town. Not in town but in state. Dream Lover is the only guy who I’ve ever loved unconditionally. He’s not the best guy I’ve ever known. Not the richest. Not the most mature or most handsome. He’s not even the kindest or the smartest. He’s definitely not the most brave. He even has a big coward side to him. But he’s the first guy that I looked at objectively, saw all his imperfections and knew that some of them may not ever change, and chose to love anyway. And we had a Heavenly time together. It was a short time, but it was such a dream come true. If I wasn’t there, I probably wouldn’t even believe that for a short moment in time, I lived my dream life with my dream person. Because after all is said and done, he was my dream person. I loved talking to him. I loved the way he walked and danced. I even loved the way his lips would tremble when he got upset. I loved what he was doing with his life and what he wanted to do with his life. I loved how he didn’t care about money and I loved how he didn’t think twice about giving from his heart. Mostly, I loved the fact that he could search my heart, read through every secret journal and thought, even ask my best of best friends, and he would find that there was no else I wanted to be with except him. I actually wanted to be with him. And he wanted to be with me. For a short moment of time.
But that time ended. So abruptly. And here I am. Remembering Heaven. He is here again. But not here. And even if he was here, things are not the same. I have a friend with a similar love story. He went somewhere and fell head over heels for a girl. He used to tell me all about her. The girl loved him too, but she was skeptical. She couldn’t believe that he could just see her and be smitten for no reason. So when he suggested that she just get up and leave her old life and follow him around the world, she hesitated. It wasn’t completely her fault. He had never gotten down on one knee and proposed to her, and she had heard rumors (true) that he had been with other women while trying to woo her. Eventually my friend abandoned the girl. Just disappeared. Told me that their relationship was over. I know he misses her. I know he loves her. I know she was his dream come true. But my friend met a new girl. A girl he doesn’t love and barely likes. But this new girl is safe. He is always in control with her. Never vulnerable. He knows that no matter what he does, this new girl will never challenge him or leave him. And so he picked her, while dreaming of the love of his life every night…
Perhaps this is my fate with Dream Lover. Perhaps our time has come and gone. I could get in my car and drive eight hours to go see him, like I’ve done before. I got buy a ticket and surprise him. But maybe he won’t be there. He has my number. He knows where I am on Facebook. He knows how to get in touch with me. Perhaps our time has come and gone.
The whole thing is just a little saddening. We can have such lovely moments with each other, such deep connections, and then pretend like nothing ever happened. Walk away without even saying goodbye. Never write a poem or a song or give a gift to let the other know that they actually meant something to us. Never say sorry or make peace. Leave our lovers with open wounds to close on their own.
Sigh… All these sad love stories. They bore me now. I mean, really. What am I gonna do? I have all these magical adventures with men that I could write a book about one day. Stuff people dream about. But the endings suck. They all turn out to be tragedies. And not even real tragedies. Nobody dies or anything. Someone just gets scared and does something stupid. That’s it. The end. Scaredy cat number one (me) closes up and scaredy cat number two (whatever man) gets with some woman that makes him feel safe. Those are really lame love stories. Nobody lives happily ever after.
What to do about all these lame love stories, God? What to do about Dream Lover. Should I go chase him down? Make him face his fears? He’s probably married or something. Probably been married all along. What should I do?
-Let him go, You say.
Such a sad ending. Let him go. Let him run away and wake up from the dream of him. His memory is a reminder of how good life can be. Of how possible Love is. Use that to wake you up again. Love again, Laydie. It’s time. All that good Love gone to waste. You know how to do it now. You know not to run or dump or cuss out. You know how to give and make a man know that he is special. You know to let your guard down. You know who to look for now. He must be brave, though. Only the brave can Love.
You know that this non-love life is pretty lame for you.
Let the wounds heal. They have been healing all along. Let them run their course. And Love again…
Ameen.
Day 310
Love Again
Hi there Love.
Day 309.
Just a small offering before I head out for the day.
A good day already.
I am in Love. With nothing in particular. I know what happens when I feel this way. I see white butterflies. I meet new people. I get gifts. Healings take place. My smile comes from my belly and people are blessed by me.
I have a lot of good news. Things in the works, but I’ll wait till it happens to share this time. Let’s just say that birth is taking place. Things are blossoming.
Dead skin is being shed. Spring is here at last.
I am remembering a smile. Sean Patrick. The type of memory every young girl should have. Full of passion and life. Frisky smile. Playful times. Talks about the future. I am remembering walking in front of him. Turning around. Smiling. He smiles back at me. Uninhibited. Beautiful… He was so beautiful.
I am remembering the side of me that falls in love. Oh, she’s pretty awesome. I am remembering that I’m pretty awesome. I’m pretty awesome. Not in a conceited kind of way, but in a real way. Sometimes you just have to remember that your worth something.
Sometimes you have to remember how much healing and beauty can come from your smile. Sometimes you just have to let it be Spring. Let the healings take place. Let the Love take over. Blossom at last. Just blossom, already. Stop holding back and being scared. Stop holding back. Blossom already.
It’s Spring time, y’all.
❤
Laydie
Day 309
Spring
Good morning World,
This is going to be a short one. I have to get ready for work real soon. I just want to take a moment to check in, though, and step away from the world of appearances.
I’ve been real busy. But let’s just step away for a moment. Fires will always be there to put out. There will always be something to do. Some reaching, some wanting. Something.
Allah, for a moment, please allow me to see a moment of Truth and Peace. I am not weary, although my life says I should be. I am not even tired although my body says I should be. My Spirit is strong and alive and I am hopeful. Things fall apart and they come together. It is the way of the world.
Peace anyway. Love anyway. Breathe anyway. Let the small stuff be what it is: small stuff. Do not get stuck in the heartbreak and disappointment. Do not get stuck in the bitterness. Don’t you see how bad it feels to be stuck in all the mud? Enough already. Just don’t get stuck. I know the world will tell you different. I know so many people are busy burning fires and warring and crying and dying and begging and being mean and everything else. I know so many people are broken. Even you. Even us.
I know we do not have all the things we want. Even me. But we have everything we need. You understand? There is air in this moment and there will be food and water. There is love even in you right now and there are hands to hold if you open yours. There is enlivening work. I know you have bills to pay and you can’t figure out how to get from here to there and prince charming didn’t get the memo that he’s supposed to be here already. But just because you’re not aware of a solution doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. Just because Prince Charming hasn’t kissed you yet doesn’t mean he’s not somewhere brushing his teeth right now. On his way.
Know that answers exist. Know that peace exists. Stay open. Stay open. Know that the little things and the solutions you see are just a part of it. Just a small part of it,. The world is pretty magical. I’m not talking about things that I don’t know. I’m alive today when I thought I would be dead and me, who couldn’t get off my bed, well, life is good for me even on the “bad” days. I know what I’m talking about. Give the small stuff a break. Above all else, stay open.
Love,
Laydie
Day 308
Stay Open
I know. This is two days in one day, but I need to sort out my thoughts before I do what I’m about to do.
I am fighting with someone close to me. Well, to me it’s just a fight. It may be deeper to her. We have had a bit of a dynamic for a while, and well, I can’t write all about it here, but I will say that on my part there is resentment. Because she never considers me. It’s not her fault. She is always preoccupied with the current fire of the day or month or year and she will inevitably do something, or not do something, that offends me in a deep way.
The action is usually small. Forgetting about a commitment that was made, taking something I value without asking, inviting someone over that I don’t like or filling a garbage can with trash until it overflows. But what’s under it is always what’s upsetting. She never considers me. Or hardly ever, I guess I should say. And it would be OK if she just has so many fires to put out that she never considers anyone, but that’s not true either. She never considers me. And that makes it personal.
And so every so often when the little acts have built up and the time comes when I’ve had enough, I don’t hold back with my words. I let them loose uncensored. And they hurt. I know they hurt. I know I have a way with hurtful words, but I don’t care. I let them loose anyway.
And she cries and calls me mean and runs away and shuts herself off from me, but still I am not sorry. Because I meant everything I said and I’d say it all again. Because she never considers me…
And I am angry with her. For all of the fires she is constantly creating and trying to put out. For never considering me…
I remember when I first came back to Cali. My brother picked me up and I asked him if he was glad to see me. He wasn’t. My brother. My heart. I was so excited to see him, but he wasn’t glad to see me. He looked at me like I was a burden to him and on the ride to the hotel he called me stupid. Well, I wasn’t just gonna’ sit there and let him call me stupid! I called him stupid, too. And we fought. And that fight lasted years. I guess we finally stopped fighting, but we’re not as close anymore. There is a veil between us and we both are very careful when we speak to each other, lest we say the thoughts we really think, the thoughts that will shatter the pretense of peace we have created.
But I digress. The thing about this anger in me towards this young woman that I’m so close to, is that even though I feel like I am in the right for being angry, even though I feel like my lashing out is much less than I should, something about the situation doesn’t feel right.
But I am conflicted. The one side of me doesn’t care about peace. I want to teach her a lesson. But the other side of me is tired of teaching, and all it wants is peace.
And here I get to grow. I get to say sorry. I’m not sorry for lashing out, but I’m sorry for all of the anger and resentment that has been building in me for so long that it causes me to lash out so easily. I am sorry that it has come to a point that I can not see the good in her. That is the worst thing. When you can not see the good in someone. I have been doing to her what my brother and what one of my close friends did to me: treating her as if she is a thing to be tolerated; a burden. And she is so much more than that. She is a blessing. She has been trying to be a blessing in my life for so long and I have been so blinded by the little things that I haven’t been able to see it.
So I get to say sorry. The thought is not as daunting as I thought it would be. I actually mean it. Sometimes you have to be on the other side of being poked at and picked at, of being unforgiven and judged for every little thing. You have to be on the other side of being simply tolerated, or of feeling like someone’s obligated instead of someone’s beloved before you are able to see yourself and see the way you are treating another person. There is a world of difference in the way someone treats you when they can’t see the good in you.
I think there is something very deep in this. I think this is the beginning and ending of wars. When we cannot see the good in another, it is easy to kill and not feel sorry. And when we can look at another and see the fullness of all of the glory they bring, things become easy to forgive.
I have been a stone. So very hard. And tonight I get to soften a bit. Tonight I’m gonna say sorry and I’m gonna forgive. Because I want to. Because I mean it. I finally mean it… Alhamdullilah.
Day 307
When They/We Can’t See The Good In Us
Good morning World.
I’m having another quit a job moment, but I won’t quit. Not today. They say my job is a dream job. People wait for years to get hired. We have great benefits, an excellent union, and all kinds of perks. Our work is not that strenuous. We can get promoted quick and move to all kinds of heights in this organization. At the end of the day, we can make a lot of money and retire early if we just stick to the rules. Our kids can go to college for free. We can get help going to college if we want to go back to school. It’s a dream job, they say.
But it’s not my dream.
I had a lot of dreams last night. I don’t remember any of them, but they were busy dreams. And I woke up wondering, ‘where do we get dreams from’? I mean, not the dreams we have at night, but the dreams we have of our life. I’ve been doing this writing thing almost as long as I’ve been able to write. The other day, my mom sent me the manuscript of a story I wrote when I was 8. Eight. And it was a good story! I’ve been doing this all my life and I’ve been wanting to be a writer all my life, but where did I get this dream from?
Because for all the dreams I have, I can’t remember a time that I haven’t had it. I even wanted to come to California as a kid. Not for Hollywood, but for the beaches and the Native Americans. I dreamed of what it would be like to know a Native American and go surfing…
Any way. Good morning World. Today I am realizing that my job is not my dream come true. It is a holding place. Like in The Alchemist when the little boy stops at the glass shop for a year before he continues on his journey. This job and this current life is someone else’s dream come true.
My dream is different. I don’t know where it comes from, God. It’s not my mom’s dream. Or my dad’s dream. It’s no one in my family’s dream. All these ideas I have about the life I want to live, I don’t know anyone else that has these ideas. But where did they come from? Because they make it really hard for me to go to work when I would rather sit at home writing and exercising and reading and studying ways to master the things I really want to do.
And how can I devise an exit strategy? That’s where I’m at right now. I need an exit strategy, God. An out point. So that I can carry on with the things that really matter to me in life. I’m not into being poor anymore, though, or living under other people. So I can’t just quit a job when I still have rent and debt. And I’m not doing that whole freelance hustle thing. That’s even more stressful than working a nine to five. But I need time now. I need time to focus on the things that really matter. I’m working at a snail’s pace here because I spend the big portion of my day at work. At this holding, stabilizing place that has no movement.
There are eight minutes left before I have to get dressed and go into the world, so I’ll take this time to close my eyes and pray.
God, I am grateful to have a holding place. I am grateful to know stability again. I am grateful because where I am now is a step forward from where I was. I am grateful to be stable in LA. It’s a big deal. And I thank you. I know there are miracles in every single moment. Every moment. And I sit in the seat of Wisdom. I sit in the seat of Truth. I sit in the seat of Peace. I sit in the seat of Guidance. I let everything go. Everything. Everything. Everything. I let everything go. Every and anything that would block, hinder or destroy my good. I let it go. I open. I do not need to understand how things work. I let go of the need to understand and control everything. I only want my dream to come true. My real Dream. The one that comes from You.
I only want my Real dream come True. There is a little strength in me now. There is a little patience in me now. There is a little wisdom and, well, my cries just aren’t so life altering any more. My will is strengthened and the broken parts are almost wholly mended. From this place, this Place of Truth and understanding, I pray. Let Thine Will Be Done With Me. Let Thine Will Be Done Through Me.
I am choosing to live my Dream come true, but I don’t know how it will happen. But I don’t want to worry about it anymore. I don’t want to stress over it and start strategizing. I want to live the real way. I am telling you, God, where I am directing my will. Guide me, please. Show me what to do next. For now I sit still. And wait.
Ameen.
Day 306
The Dreams
Good morning God. Good morning world. I’ve been up reading, praying, and meditating for the past few hours. I Love Saturday mornings. I can take the time I really need to center myself.
The new book I’m reading is called The Untethered Soul. The writing style is simple and organized. I have heard of the information before, but not in this way. Very simple. I am about a third through the book, and so far, it is about opening. The argument or thesis is that most of our problems are created by blockages that we store in our energy centers from childhood. He goes on to say that the solution is to constantly, intentionally open ourselves, especially when we feel inclined to close up, and to let emotional, mental, and physical, and spiritual blockages be releases when they come up, instead of trying to repress them.
Worth thinking about and trying out. At least for me.
Thinking about this blog and all that has transpired since I started writing. Yesterday my sis and I were walking around a park in the ghetto. We got to talking about how hard life can be in LA and I told her some of the stories of my struggles here. She had no idea of all that had happened. And really, as I was talking to her, I realized all that had happened. And I realized where I am today.
Food, shelter and a stable mind are very simple things. But they are things that I didn’t have just a year ago. Me. Rookie Teacher of the Year. I didn’t have those things. And I’m so glad that I went through that time.
“I asked for Strength and God gave me difficulties to make me strong… I asked for Wisdom and God gave me problems to solve.”
I am so glad that I went through that time. I’m sure there could have been other ways. I know I don’t have to experience every single thing in the world in order to have compassion, but I’m glad that I experienced what I did. Yesterday, as I walked through the park and I saw the homeless people, the people selling drugs, doing drugs, tricked out, hopeless, good and crazy; as I smelled the stanch of the inner city and all the rotting things, I could just see it for what it was. I didn’t get all depressed and start thinking about how bad the world is. I didn’t want to be a hero and save everyone. And I didn’t feel like I had to have a loyalty to the downtrodden and just hang out in the stinky park so that I could prove that I hadn’t become too bougie. I wasn’t scared of the people either, though. They were just people. Like me. I had slept in my car years ago at that park and the woman in her car years ago was of the same essence as the stable-minded woman who writes at a desk in her gated community today.
We are just people. All of us doing the best we can. A deep well of forgiveness and compassion grows in me these days. A reservoir of Love and Gratitude bubbles up. I have been releasing it all, without even knowing. We have been cleansing. Oh, there was so much to clean, but we have been letting it all go. An underneath the pain of all the past and the fear of all the future, my heart still lives. Vibrant. I am still here. Vibrant. Can you believe it?
Yesterday I met a man. But before you say ‘here we go again’, let me tell you the story. Because it’s a good story. I was headed to work and as I was leaving my complex I saw two guys standing across the street. One of them was my neighbor that I’ve seen walking around the neighborhood for the past two plus years, but never spoken to. My neighbor’s friend waved me over, and when I came up to him, I recognized that I knew him. He is a singer and I had just seen him in a show not even a week ago. We talked and chatted and my neighbor finally introduced him. He is a musician as well and he has a British accent. He owns the house across the street. The house that I call the music house, because there is always music coming from it. He is tall and handsome and so polite and gentle. His friend forced us to exchange information because both of us seemed to shy to ask the other for any info.
Why is this story so significant? Because these guys had such a high vibe. They gave me a t-shirt and a poster and I went back to work feeling elated. Them? In this neighborhood? I automatically got over every guy that I’ve been pining over. I know. Neighbor might not even ever call me. But it’s OK. Because what they have done is help me remember. It is possible that Love could be right across the street from you. Right across the street. And you can pass by it for two years and not even recognize it. Do you understand? There are so many possibilities for our lives that we are not even aware of. Do not think that your current experience of life is the end of the story. Do not get trapped in the lie that all that has been is all there is.
No. It’s just not true. The truth is that our lives can change drastically at any given moment. The truth is that even in this moment, even in the midst of grief and pain and disappointment, we can experience Peace. The truth is, the human will is mighty, mighty thing, and when aligned with the will of the Most High, magic can happen. The truth is, life can be better than we imagine. I am a witness.
Open yourself to the possibility that life can be better than you imagine. And see what happens. Ameen.
Day 305
Open (It Ain’t Over Till It’s Over)
Good Morning.
I called in to work today. Don’t worry. I’m not quitting. Not yet. The last time I called into work, I sat at home and finished the final draft of my screenplay.
Today I’m going to use the day to do some maintenance. Realignment. A chiropractic life adjustment. It’s much needed and much needed right now. I saw that I was beginning to step into some quicksand if I didn’t call a time-out, I was going to start sinking real fast.
I like this kind of life. Not having to go to work and being able to spend the days focusing on what is meaningful to you. This is the shift I am making, God. Focusing on the transition. Moving into purposeful living. It’s all purposeful living, but it’s all about choice.
My film is moving. People with money are getting involved. They like it. They actually think it’s worth making. And I am imagining that it might actually be possible for me to do exactly what I’ve been called to do with my life and still pay off all my bills and debts and maybe even have some land a house that I can raise a family in. Maybe even have a family. Kids and a husband and an avocado or mango tree somewhere. Kids and a husband. A husband and kids. A husband…
Writing this blog makes me realize just how much drama happens every single day. Every single day something happens that can get a sensitive person all riled up, break your heart, make you sad. Every single day a million thoughts cross our mind, and sometimes no thought at all as we go through the monotonous motions of survival. The monotonous motions of relationships that don’t fill us up. The nine to five that takes up all of our time that we know will never really take us where our soul wants to go.
Today I declare a time-out. A realignment. We must get back on track, Laydie. God has been pushing us back on track anyway, with breakdowns and intolerable smells. Forcing us to clean-up. Forcing us to pay attention to our bodies and our minds. Making us sick when we go around certain people so that we can pay attention and learn to discern between what’s good for us and what’s bad for us. He has been sending people who believe in us even when we don’t believe in ourselves. Secret heroes offering smiles and kind words and food and gifts and hugs. God has been here on our side all along.
It’s time for us to get on our own team and take ourselves seriously. Take our lives seriously. And I don’t mean getting on some melodramatic self-righteous high-horse… The words are taking over me. I mean stop, already. Just stop being miserable. And listen to the true things within you. Listen to the true calling within you. Listen. Listen. Listen. Listen… Listen.
We are grown-ups now and we can do this life thing. We can. We can do this life thing and it doesn’t have to be a headache. Or a burden. It doesn’t have to be so sad all the time. Or so ugly all the time. Or so poor all the time. Or so sick all the time. Or so confused all the time. Or so mean all the time. Or so lonely. Or so dirty and disorganized. It doesn’t have to be so fake and meaningless. How can I change it? You ask. I don’t know. I don’t know if you can change life. You have to change you.
Yes, you. You may not get a different man or a different job or a new house right away. You might not find a religion that fits immediately. In fact, your life might crash and burn for a while and you may experience great tragedy and loss when you are trying to change. Most likely, something in your life will get stirred up. A natural disaster may wipe away years of building up. People may die. Someone might break a promise and you may lose all your money and possessions. Someone you love might leave. Disappear forever. And all that will remain is you. And the choice you make after the fact.
Today I am sitting in my room after the fact, God. Making a choice again. Thank you for pulling me out of the quicksand before I could get in too deep. I am choosing peace of mind again. I am choosing a good life again. Cleanliness. Good smells. Purposeful work. A choice must be made first and then the action comes. How do I decide what to do about all the random men in my world? I have to chose first. When I choose peace, then I know what to say to my Almost One. I know what to do about Mr. Almost Famous and I know how to forgive Dream Lover as he lives his dream without me. When I choose peace, I have no interest in consorting with demons. When I choose peace, I know when to take a break and clean my room, because I can’t pray and meditate when my room’s not clean, and I can’t have peace (not yet) if I don’t check in with myself regularly. When I choose peace, I must do life work that is meaningful and that expresses my gifts and talents, because my mind is not at peace while I am spending long hours pushing papers and dreaming of all these ideas. When I choose peace, my hair grows. LOL. So I choose peace again. I know. I think I chose it in my last blog entry. I choose it again.
Oh Lawd, I just got disturbed… Yes, indeed. LOL.
I am just grateful for this new perspective. I am grateful that I can stand on the outside of myself and see myself now, walking into quicksand, and I can tell myself to stop. Honey, walk another way. Look to the light where you are headed and do what you gotta do to get there. Nourish yourself so you will be strong for the journey. Release the ties that bind you in one place. All that anger and resentment. Leave in the dark woods, baby. Just leave it there. Discover the gifts within you that you will offer once you get to the other side. You can get to the other side right now, but since you believe you have to tarry a while here, we’ll tarry a while. Make peace with everyone. Make peace with everything. Make peace with yourself. Cultivate the light within because baby, it’s some bright things coming your way. You gotta be able to hang. So walk now. We’re back on track. Remember Me, and We’ll never get lost again…
Day 304
Cultivate The Light Within
hownottocryeveryday 