Hey y’all. My hair is falling out. It’s been years since my hair has fallen out. Some time ago, I’d have a little spot that would get thin and fall out every time I got overwhelmed with stress. Well, that spot has been growing hair and my hair has been healthy for a while, but in the past week, it has been falling out.
In another spot. Not the old spot. Needless to say, I have crossed over my stress threshold. Even as I am writing, the energy in my body will not be calm. I’m closing my eyes. Because I need to write and whatever feelings I’m having are not going to stop me this evening. I need to write. This is my therapy, my healing, my clarity and I’ll keep writing until I don’t need to write any more.
Good evening world. You are spinning mighty fast these days. My sis is moving out and the time is about right for my bro to be moving out as well. Tension in the family. Imminent confrontation giving me anxiety. Writing projects moving exponentially fast. Heart feeling weak. Used. Unable yet hopeful. Realizing at last that there is no where in the world to run to, and confrontation is the only way to peace.
Not fighting. Confrontation. Dealing with yourself. Telling the truth. Telling other people the truth. Sometimes it seems like the hardest thing to do. But at this moment in time, truth is literally aching to come out of me. To my brother. To my sister. To my mother. To every single man that I still feel a lingering energetic connection with. I am literally aching to tell the truth. And it’s a bit horrifying. And a bit freeing. The thought of telling the truth and nothing but the truth is a bit freeing. So help me God. Help me, please.
This is another part of it. I realize that I am figuring out the process of transformation through experimentation with my own life. And I know what part of the story this is. This is where the hero sees the big dragon. This is where the story ends for a lot of people. They run away. Start a new book. Or maybe they rush towards the dragon with a sword in their hand and die in battle. Or they hide out and the dragon finds them and swallows them. This is the part where you get to demonstrate all that you are and all you are trying to be.
So, you get to look at all of the issues that you’ve feared. Your disapproving mother. Your heartbreak. Your brother who has abandoned you for so long. The men. The life work that you have wanted to do forever and the possibility of failing at it. Your insecurities and that little monster in your head who always tries to say you’re not good enough. This is the hard part of transformation. The painful part. The part where you will most likely fall apart and something may be lost. This is the part where you must be your own hero.
But being your own hero is not like we see in the movies. It’s not about running out there and slaying a dragon. It’s about you doing and most importantly, being something different. This is important because this is a big deal. Pride and ego always try to step in the way at this point. Fear gets really loud here. I have not had an honest conversation with my brother in years. I have not told him what was on my heart in years. I have not spoken to him from a place of love in years. I have argued. I have yelled. We have debated. Those things are easy. But you see, i have not offered Love. Love. Love. Love. Just Love. In years. I want to tell him all about himself. I want to make him change. I want him to understand all he has done and say sorry and stop it. But mostly, I want Love to be restored.
But I know that most likely, it will not be. I know that I will pour my heart out and be vulnerable and speak from the deepest parts of my heart and he may very well just cut me off in the middle of something I’m saying. Do you see why this is scary? Because my brother has been #2 on the list of people I love most in this world for a while. And he will most likely reject the love that I must express. This is what slaying dragons is about. My sister will most likely not understand anything I have to say and my mother… well, my mother is moved by her own beliefs… The men? They will not Love me (or at least they will not act like they do) no matter what I say or do.
So do you see my predicament? Do you see my fear? Do you see how it is much easier to sit quiet and not write any letters or have any meetings and just pretend that my falling hair is not a result of all of the suppressed words within me? I am afraid of all of the rejection I will face once I speak my heart. I am afraid that once I write my Dear John letters, there will be no one around to call me special. I am afraid that I will go to all these fancy meetings and my books and movies may not be made.
My biggest fears have all surfaced in the course of a week and taken my hair out with them. And yet I know that I am in the midst of the greatest opportunity of my life, God. I am in the midst of an opportunity to see it through. Even though I know that I may fail. Even though I know that I may not be received or loved. Even though I know that once I open my mouth or send a letter, people may be hurt or angry or disappointed. Even though I know that things may not work out, I am in the midst of an opportunity to see Guidance through and for once deliver it as it was given to me. I am in the midst of learning about unconditional Love.
And somehow I feel like I am being given a great gift in this moment. I am being offered the opportunity to let go of every single ounce of pain that has been harbored in me. All of it. I am being offered the opportunity to purify my heart. For real. Completely. I am being given the opportunity to follow through on Guidance. This is the gift of transformation: Follow through. In spite of your anger. In spite of your ego. You have been led to express Love. They may spit on you. You may be reminded of a scar the hurts. But the follow through. The expressing of Love anyway. Oh, it is a sweet gift.
So tonight my hair stops falling out. Tonight I tell the truth. Tonight I become my own hero at last. I will not be deterred by dragons or fear. Ego, you get to rest tonight. I don’t care about being right. There is a heart at stake here. There is a life at stake here. Heck, there is my hair at stake here! I must finally follow through with this love thing. I must save myself at last…
Ameen.
Day 317
The Hero’s Gift (Follow Through)
I’m calling in to work today. There’s a thing that happens in the brain sometimes. With time. You start to realize that time is all you have.
Hearts can heal, money can be remade, and even though you can’t bring people back after they die and leave, with time, you can be ok and even happy with a life without them. But when time has run out, it’s over.
I’m calling in to work today. My brain is changing. Time is running out. My creative projects are moving quickly. It’s that way in the creative world. You work in your room or in some studio or office or coffee shop for months or years developing a project. You can take your time when you’re creating. But once you show it to the world, things move fast. People are ready to go, and you could submit a project on Monday and be working out a deal or contract by Friday. And if you’ve only allotted thirty minutes a day to work on stuff before, well, things must change or you will miss that boat.
Yesterday I felt something I hadn’t felt in some time: excitement. I had a meeting with a potential collaborator on one of my projects. A creative person, talented and accomplished. He was excited about working together and he was a big kid like me. When he started talking about his ideas and his work, he just lit up and I lit up.
And I have work to do on my projects. Because they are moving fast. And going to my nine to five has nothing to do with moving my projects forward, but it pays the bills. And today is the last 8 hours that I can take a paid day off until I accumulate more time. And so I’m gonna take a day off. And I’m gonna make it count.
Allah, my heart is antsy. I have work to do. And I don’t mean finding somewhere that pays well so that I can go in and do something that has no meaning for me forever so that I can have a house and car and fancy clothes. I mean the work that makes me come alive. This “survival only” lifestyle is for the birds.
And so I know my logic brain doesn’t work that well. I have been prone to quitting jobs in a second when I feel like this. I know I’m not supposed to quit this job until I find another source of income that will provide for my living. But this job saps all of my energy. And when I get home, I am so tired and it’s like walking through quicksand to get anything else done. And last night, when I met with someone talented about my project, I saw the grand difference. I was so energized and exciting. It was easy for me to sit around a little longer after our meeting and get work done.
And I see the difference between work and life’s work. And I’d like to do my life’s work now. Show me the way. This is the last day off I have until I go back to busy land. This is my chance to push the reset button and get on track and on course. I feel that feeling that I haven’t felt in a while: alignment. I don’t even know how to explain it, but it is a tingling in your fingers. It is a peace of mind. It is a fearlessness and wanting to do right and good. It is a clarity…
So… I just got interrupted by a phone call. Wow. A friend who went missing calling to tell me she’s ok. I’m glad she’s ok. Her life changed in a day and she’s going through a very challenging ordeal right now. Life can be like that, and sometimes I wonder how fair it is that one person’s life can be falling apart while another’s is falling together. There are too many questions to ask. I’m sorry for my friend. Allah, please look after her and see her through this. Please see her through this. She is a beautiful person with the best of intentions…
I am sitting here thinking that there must be a moment when the striving ends and the arriving begins. You understand? There must be a moment when life becomes like the meeting I had last night. Exciting. Alive. Creative. Good. Purposeful. There must be a time when all debts are paid, all wounds are healed and life is simply about thriving and loving and contributing and receiving. There must be a way for relationships to be nourishing and authentic and supportive and enjoyable. There must be a way for us to survive by doing what we’ve been called to do.
Are you ready? You ask me. Yes, I am. I am ready. The men will try and interfere, but I am finally strong enough in myself to know the difference between who I am and who somebody thinks I am. God thank you so much. I am only just now developing this skill, but I am finally understanding the difference between people working with me, against me, and for them not to care. I am finally learning how to be intentional with my life and my relationships. How to be a giver. How to follow through with inspiration in spite of what may come. And I’m finally interested in surrounding myself with people who see the best in me and people who value me and want to be around me. Oh, there’s such a difference when a man cherishes you. I’m finally interested in that and I know what it feels like, so hopefully I won’t get snared into anymore dis-energizing relationships with men.
I am learning how to be a hyper-sensitive, intuitive woman in a cold-hearted, logical world and be ok. In fact, I am learning to thrive. I am learning how to let go and not try to control everything. I am learning about Trust, God. Real Trust.
I have let go of so much pain and fear and I will continue to let go of it until it is all gone, and it is almost all gone. I can honestly say that I have very few apologies left to give, I have very few people to forgive anymore. My bags are pretty light and my fears now only come from what is ahead, not what is behind.
This stabilization has taken about a year. Exactly a year, actually. Uncanny. My Spirit has finally wrapped itself around this notion of a good life and my mind and body are following. I am a woman now. We are men and women, not cowards. Not children. We get to say, “Peace!” and make it so. We get to build bridges. We get to look inside ourselves and clean up and let go of all that does not serve us and our life’s mission. Heck, we get to decide what our life’s mission is.
Everyone will not lead the way. There will be leaders and followers and I don’t think that we have much choice in the matter. There are born leaders who try to follow and born followers who try to lead and things never work out quite right when people are out of alignment with who they really are.
I take my place, God. My life is all about me, but it has never been all about me. Everything I say, think and do affects everyone I ever interact with and vice versa. We are creating the world for each other as we create our inner worlds for ourselves.
So Yes, Allah, I am ready. I have been cleaning up my inner life for quite some time now and I am ready to take a step further now and come out to the world as intended in my DNA. I start today by focusing on the external “to-do” list at last, and I do my work, my life’s work from a place of Guidance, Stability, Truth, Authenticity, and Love. I do my work from the place in me that longs to Bless and be Blessed. Oh, how I long to Bless and be Blessed. Thank You for everything that has come before this moment, God. I am ready now. I will do the work. I will do the work.
Ameen.
Day 316
The Work
So… about 45 minutes ago I was online and I saw a pic of the woman one of the guys I wanted to be with chose.
I was heartbroken. Don’t get it twisted. I know just because I want to be with someone doesn’t mean they will want me. People have their own tastes. Some like rocky road and some like cookies and cream ice cream.
I’m pretty keen on recognizing when someone likes me and when they don’t, and I don’t even take it personal if they don’t. The thing that really got me about this particular guy, though, is that he appeared to like me a lot. More than the woman he chose. And that’s what’s heartbreaking.
The thing is, though, I’m tired of being heartbroken. It’s just lame now. Sometimes I don’t even want to write this blog because I want to share good things and good things aren’t always passing through my head. I try to be authentic. I don’t want to be one of those people who writes a blog or self-help book pretending like things are always rosy and I’m always optimistic and life always manifests according to my deepest desires.
Sometimes, if you’re a woman like me who feels deeply and falls in love in a day, life doesn’t happen like you imagined it. Life used to always happen like I imagined it, so this is new to me. Because it used to be that I would be sure that a thing would come pass, impossible seeming things, and then they would come to pass. I would see visions of people or places or words and I would act on those visions and then miracles would happen.
But for some months now, I will see visions or be sure about a particular thing and I will act on those visions or inspirations and things will not manifest well. People will not respond in the way I thought. In fact, the exact opposite happens. The one that I believed was my husband chose someone else, and it’s just baffling to me. Did I lose my connection? Do my visions and insights and inspirations mean nothing now? I don’t really know what it all means.
Nonetheless, la vie continue. Wow. I just realize I had a dream last night. The same guy. He had received a group text msg in French. From some girl saying she wanted to sleep with him. Since I speak French, he thought it was me who sent the text. And he sent a very stern group text msg back to me telling me to cut it out. And then when I woke up this morning I see the pic of his girlfriend online. I dreamed of my father last night, too. He was just smiling. My father died years ago for those who don’t know. He was just smiling in my dream, though. I don’t see him in dreams that often. In real life, my father was always smiling and joking. He had a big, big smile. I have his smile when I’m really happy.
Anyway, good day World. Bear with me, okay? I’ll have some inspirational stuff to write soon. I’ve just been letting go of so much lately. A lifetime of hoarded pain, to be honest. I turned in my writing application the other day and I have another deadline tomorrow, but I don’t want to write about that.
I am curious about what it takes to un-break a heart. ‘Cus I think it’s about time to un-break my heart for good, God. I’ve just about had enough of this time in my life. I had a notion that I’d skip countries the other day. Move somewhere where the air is clean and there’s fresh water and green stuff around. Where men are men and women are women.
We take this men and women thing lightly in America. Most of us are grown up children, weak and needy, begging and beseeching, not seeing the power that lies within us, not taking responsibility for our lives, not being good to each other, not leaving people better than the way we found them, but instead draining and killing each other, like children. Me, too. I am a victim and a culprit as well.
As much as I like looking young, I don’t want to be a child anymore. I’m not a child anymore. I’m a Woman. And I’d like to do Woman things now. Bold things. Strong things. Gentle things. Authentic things. Loving things. I would like to leave this world a little better because of me, and I’d like to be made a little better because of the world.
I’d like to Love, God. For real. I know I must start with an un-broken heart and I am ready and willing. I will write a sad blog every single day if I know that eventually it will lead to the light. I will go through the storm. I am not afraid of darkness. Only let me know that any of this is worth it.
This heartbroken thing is at the root of all my other troubles. I know. It is my thing to transcend. I am willing, Allah, but I don’t know how, You see. I don’t know how not to be jealous and hurt when I see a pic of the girlfriend of the man I thought was my husband. I don’t want to settle for a mate that I don’t come alive with.
I know that my heart is un-breaking. I know that I am healing at last, but can We get on with it, please? How long is it going to take before I can Love someone with all of me? How long is it going to take before that same person cherishes me?
My cries are different these days. I see them as part of a healing process instead of a disempowering feeling that takes over my life.
I wanted to give them something, God. I want to give me something. A tool to be used when going through these things. The pain of heartbreak. The pain of not being chosen by one who you thought was “The One”. I wanted to give them something to help un-break and untether and disentangle the heart, so that we can be free to Love again. Because not Loving again is not an option for me.
And You say that in order to Love again, we must Love again.
Ha. We must Love again. And there is much to Love. Your home. Your work. Your body and Soul. Friends. Family. The loss will make you cry, but do not stop there and do not hold people to agreements they never made. Let the tears fall. Let the healing take place and during it all, relax. Breathe. Relax. One day it will not hurt. One day you will be happy for them. It will come sooner than you think. But in order to get there, you must not close up, even in the midst of your sadness. Even as I am crying I know this to be true. Open. Open. Open. Find a thing to love and care for and let a thing love and care for you. Anything that is pure Love.
Just open to it and give it. Open, receive, and give. It’s a practice if you’ve been closed for a while, but it will become a way of life. Open, receive, and give. Let the skin of the past shed. It will shed if you don’t hold on to it. Open, receive, and give. Love. Do not be unintentional about your transformation. This is your life. Open. Let us un-break our hearts at last…
Day 315
Un-breaking a Heart
Hi there. This one won’t be long. I have a writing submission that’s due in three hours and I’m trying to get my mind right before I work on editing these last pieces of a potentially life changing project.
These men on the mind. God, they gon’ have to stop tormenting me. We gon’ have to figure out a way to put an end to all these men issues once and for all. Fear and anxiety rising up in me. The possibly of dreams coming true so near I can taste it in the air. Freaking out in more ways than one. Writer’s block.
Break down coming up in one… two… three… Lord, help me. Wait. I’m not really breaking down. Wait. I’m just panicking, You say. It’s not that serious.
-But it is…
But I’m not really breaking down. This is interesting. I’ve been having a lot of revelations lately, all muddled up. Don’t have words for them yet, but they’re not bad. A good thing is happening. It looks like breakdowns but it’s not. It’s me stepping up and stepping into my own shoes. It’s me being a grown up. I’m pretty awesome.
You say it’s about time for some fine, available guy to recognize that and court me and I agree. You say it’s about time for me to be rich and do this writing thing for real and develop my skills to the max so We can get on with this thing and I agree. You say it’s about time for me to dance in the sun for real and stop with the bullshit and I agree.
You say it’s about time for me to take myself seriously, but not that serious and I agree. I understand. It’s about time for me to dance in the sun. Because it doesn’t end here. I’m not that girl who sits down and tells her grandchildren about all the things I wanted to be. I’m not that woman who doesn’t have grandchildren. I’m not the one to hide out in my fantasies with the dream come true always a step away. I’m just not her.
You tell me there are people rooting for me. I am Rue and every heroine who had the audacity of hope. I am every broken-hearted woman who dared not to be broken. And you say that if I can not make my dream come true for myself, then do it for the kids. And I think I can do it for the kids. I can do it for the kids.
This whole thing, all this psychobabble about having to be perfect and love yourself and have all these things before you are worthy of a dream come true is bunch of baloney. It’s not true. Loving yourself helps. Having stuff helps. Letting all your demons go helps. But none of those are prerequisites. You start where you start.
And maybe you have to start off by doing it for the kids before you can do it for yourself. And that’s okay. In fact, that’s pretty admirable in my book.
So I can’t do it for me yet, God. I don’t know how to Love myself enough to believe I could have all this fabulous dream come true stuff and be in touch with You at the same time. It all just seems so good. Too good…
Stop, You tell me. Don’t carry on with this train of thought.
Be still. Breathe and trust… Breathe and trust… Breathe and trust… This is called Truth in action. For a moment we will not think about results. We will not think about how to solve the problem and why we have the problem in the first place. For a moment, We will Breathe and Trust. Breathe and Trust…
For a moment, let’s not ask why. Let’s just ask what. What is before me to do? For a moment, let’s start with Spirit. What is before me to do?
Woman. Man. For a moment, let’s not be caught up. For a moment, let’s know. Breathe and Trust.
-What is before me to do?
Finish editing this script. No why’s. No “what is going to happen”. No needing to know the future to take a step forward. No needing to understand everything before you move. This is your way, Laydie. This is the way for you. This is your woman way. Breathe and Trust. Sure you’re dreams will come true. Sure the kids are watching. Do it for the kids. But for now, today, let Us master this thing about anxiety once and for all. Breathe and Trust. What is before you to do? You know the answer.
The emotions will rile up. The mind will run rampant. The body may react. Do not feed the chaos. Let it pass through. Breathe. Trust. What is before you to do? Do it. Now. Do it. For the kids.
Day 314
Do It For The Kids (Breathe and Trust)
Lovely World.
Good morning. A moment of peace in my mind.
They say darkness is everywhere. There are always problems. People will hurt you if you let them. They say you have to fight to make a life for yourself and there’s just not enough to go around. They say people will cheat on you and steal your man if you don’t keep a tight watch. They say you have to be on the offense with survival. It’s survival of the fittest. They say you are the only one on your team so F everyone else.
I look around me. The world is in a pretty tough spot. I can’t be among the most evolved. If I am, then we are in a really tough spot. Because people are sleeping. Zombies and puppets. Trapped in our minds. Trapped in our circumstances. Trying to control everything we can not control. Living our lives in response to a scar that happened when we were ten years old. Running, hiding, protecting, strategizing. Protecting our selves against dangers that do not exist. What if someone hurts me? I know what I will do. I will never open up again so that my heart is safe. Suffocating life.
Good morning, World. This is my anti-bitter post. This is my float or swim instead of drown post. This is my alive post. This is my fed up with depression post. It has been a tough week since my birthday. My mind went plumb crazy for a moment. Being vulnerable and relating to men I like tends to take me to the crazy place. People in my immediate surroundings have a million problems as usual and my computer is broke. I have deadlines to meet and I don’t know if I’ll make them with my broke computer. My whole foundation was shaken and I haven’t really understood the meaning of life in about a week. Emotions running rampant and psychiatrists still won’t make it easy for me and just diagnose me as crazy. No one has put a ring on my finger and told me they want to build the rest of our lives together. My body is still not back to complete health and my belly is still fat. That’s one perspective.
From another perspective, I have a job that people envy. I live in an apartment in one of the hardest cities in the world and pay rent on time every month. I have friends that come to dinner and family who loves me. I manage to muster at least three sincere smiles every week. I eat what I want and have money for leisure. People like my script and want to help me make it. Men approach me almost every single day with offers of companionship. And even though I have an existential crisis about once a month, from another perspective, my mind is pretty stable. Because I see all these conditions for what they are. Blips along the road. Opportunities for growth and understanding. Places in myself that need to be understood. Areas where I need Guidance.
I don’t lose hope. And for that I’m grateful. That is a real gift, God, and I’m so grateful to have it. After all, what could make me lose hope? I am alive. I am here. This moment is all I have. What good would it be to say let me stop and hide? What good would it be to say let me close my heart? What good would it be to say let me not try anything anymore? What good would it do to get caught up in all that could go wrong and not look at all that is going right? I’m not being naïve. I see all that is going wrong. I live right down the street from two welfare offices, the HUD department, a convalescent home and a shelter for teenagers. At my job, we work with people who are at their wits’ end. I see despair every single day. I see hungry people asking for a quarter every single day. I interact with people who think the sky is falling every single day.
I see what could go wrong. But I also see that the sky is not falling. It’s opening up. It’s all a matter of perspective. And if you can not see that, then at least be willing to acknowledge the Truth of the world is bigger than your personal experience. That is an entry point to seeing the Truth. You may be going through it. You may be overwhelmed. You may be heartbroken and not have anything you dreamed you would have. And you may have tried and tried your best and things still didn’t work out. You may have lost something so dear to you and someone you love may have made you feel like shit, may have told you that everything you did didn’t mean anything at all to them. Somebody may have died or disappeared and you may not know what to do now, since your life plan included them. Trust and believe I know. And you may have spent years working on some project or some goal only to have the recipients tear it apart in seconds. You may be hungry. You may hate your mate and wonder how and why you tied yourself that particular relationship. Your family might be abusive assholes who just don’t get you. It happens. You may not have family and feel unwanted or like you don’t belong anywhere. And you may have tried to give a gift from your soul to someone only to have them slap your hand and call you crazy. I know. It hurts a lot. I know.
We don’t know what to do. I know. But even in these moments there is choice. Choice is the only thing we have. And we can choose. We can choose to see the sky as falling. And in truth it is. Our lives and our perceptions are falling apart. But we can also choose to see what happens when the sky falls. It opens up. If we don’t get hit by that big chunk of falling sky and die, we look up and see a clear and open new sky. It is an opportunity. It will serve us to build shelters to protect ourselves against another falling sky, but it will also serve us to look up and see the sunshine. It will serve us to be basked in the potential healing that can take place. And it will serve us not only to look at how we can protect ourselves next time, but to also see what we can do differently. How we can learn to live in a world where the sky falls sometimes. How we can bask in the light when it may not always be there. What can we do in a world with falling skies? Can we be happy here? Can we find peace of mind here? In the midst of all the pain we’ve seen, can we still look up?
I don’t know much at all, but at least I know that I don’t know much. This world with falling skies has more secrets and treasures than I have ever dared to ponder and there is no safety in building houses that can be destroyed in an instant. This illusion of control is just an illusion. And so I look to the Creator of the skies. I don’t understand much, God, but I choose to look up. I leave it to You to protect me. I leave it to You to keep my Soul in tact. I leave it You to help me see.
Ameen.
Day 313
In This World Of Falling Skies (Look Up)
Good day World.
How are you? I am doing more than well. It’s Saturday, my favorite day of the week, and I have nothing planned until the evening.
I get to just laze around with my books and my thoughts and my prayers. I get to listen to the birds chirp in the tree outside my window, and at some point I’m going to go outside and feel the sun on my skin.
The craziness in my previous blog has simmered down. The verdict is out: I’m not crazy and neither are you. I know. It would be much easier just to call each other crazy and call it a day. Move on the next person. Someone who’s not crazy. And we do.
But there is something to be said about letting a thing run it’s full course. This thing with my Jerk-face Muse, it ran it’s course. A volatile course. A hurtful course. A loving course. I did and said everything I wanted to do and say. He did not respond in the ways I would have liked or anticipated, but I played my part. And because of that I can sleep OK. I can let the door close.
And I did. I let the door close. I didn’t close it. He did. But I let it close. It was an exercise in faith and it was hard because I thought our story was supposed to play out a certain way and I had to be okay with it not playing out the way I thought it would and me not being able to do anything about it. He could not see the good in me to save his life. And being around someone who thinks it’s a chore to see the good in you is the worst thing.
So I let the door close. And guess what? Immediately I saw an open window. Immediately.
A friend, my Neighbor appeared. Hadn’t spoken to him since our first introduction nearly a month ago. I texted him to say hi. He called. Came to dinner last night. I cooked dinner last night and had friends over. It’s something I had been wanting to do for years. Well last night, my sis and I hosted three friends. He was one of them. And can I say that when I talked to him that afternoon I forgot about all my grief? I forgot about Dream Lover and Jerk-face Muse and Almost Famous and Mr. Producer. All them became memories. All lessons learned in an instant. “Move towards the light” was finally heard loud and clear. “Walk towards One who walks towards you.”
“What can I bring?” he asked when I extended the dinner invitation. He brought pie and a wide smile. He brought authenticity, openness and vulnerability. He brought sweet slang talk and eyes full of depth. He brought gentle understanding manliness and kindness into my home. I told him some of my war stories with men and he didn’t call me crazy. In fact, he congratulated me on how I’ve lived my life thus far. He brought hope back into my heart.
Could it be possible that a nice, handsome, smart, prayerful, kind, open, childless, child-wanting, humble, funny, charming, mature, clean-spirited, sexy, honest, single, artistic, house-owning, talented, tall, brave, strong… did I say sexy? Sexy man lives literally right across the street from me. He called me beautiful. Could it be possible that he likes me? He looked at me some kind of way and I couldn’t hold his gaze. It was like he gave me an opening to see deep inside his soul. He did that on purpose. And I saw a deep well of love.
Could it be possible that a man with a deep well of love wants me to have it? Here and now? Me? For real?
“I’m looking for a wife,” he said. I busted out laughing. Who says that? In LA? “Don’t you mean you want to get to know someone or you’re dating or you’re open to possibilities and want to see how things go?” I asked. “No,” he said. “I mean I’m looking for a wife. It feels good to say that out loud.”
I am speechless. This kind of human being exists. In my neighborhood. Right across the street. Everyone I love would love him. He didn’t say he was looking for me to be his wife, but before he left, when I walked him to the gate, he said “I’m gonna’ invite you to dinner soon. So you can see the other half.”
The other half of what? Him? Me? Us? I let the questions be for now and take comfort in what is and what has been. A washing away of grit is occurring. A cleansing so real. Angels are everywhere, Allah. Thank You. Hope is an amazing thing. Hope begets hope. I don’t know if he will ever be my husband or if I his wife, but he could be, you see?
His presence means that I’m not crazy. His presence means that’s it’s possible that a man just like me exists. A deep spirit living in the middle of the inner city, bringing magic with his smile. We are actually very similar in our way of walking in the world. A man who’s actually looking for a wife exists in LA. And he’s gone through all the initiations so that if he actually finds a wife right now, he knows who he is and would be able to sustain a loving relationship. And he’s just as fine as they come. And even so, he’s still humble yet confident.
This is called hope. The possibility of a man like him wanting me is enough for me to get my act together together. It’s enough for me to want to get over all past relationships immediately. It’s enough for me to want to be happy for our sake. So I can have that good good love to offer. The tangible possibility of a good man is enough for me to want to slough off all the grit from my heart pronto, wash my face twice a day, and do my feet. It’s enough for me to want to take this writing thing to the next level ASAP.
Lord, You have given me right when I needed it most.
-Do not get attached to messenger, but hold on to the message, You say. You have been doing your own work, preparing a space for Love. You have been cleansing your vision and can now see the open windows that have always been open. Hold fast to Truth. Hold fast to Peace. Hold fast to Love. And hold fast to Guidance. Hope, Pray, Believe, and Open, Open, Open. Let go and walk. Demonstration time is now.
Ameen.
Day 312
Open Windows. Closed Doors. Hope.
Hi World. Good evening. It’s a quiet night. 8:35pm. I’m home alone. About to be stood up. Well, not really stood up. More like disappointed. I thought I was going to hang out with someone I wanted to hang out with. We didn’t make concrete plans, but talked about maybe doing something this evening when he was done with work.
And he hasn’t contacted me.
He could still be working but I doubt it. I think he found something else that he’d rather do more.
He’s not a very nice guy. He’s actually an asshole. I have a thing for assholes. I am drawn to them by forces beyond my comprehension with missions so absurd that I won’t even tell anybody. I don’t even usually want to be with them, but I say prayers and voices tell me, “love them”. Maybe I am trying to save them. I had the notion that I’d make a man out of this particular asshole and he would make a woman out of me.
I had the notion that he and I had unfinished business and that if we could manage to get over ourselves and get along for real and for good, then maybe we would be finally able to sustain loving relationships with people we want to be with.
I had the notion that if I was able to just love this asshole, who I love anyway for no good reason, if I was able to just not give his mean behavior any energy and just express and share what I felt I had for him, then I would be free at last and unable to be touched by all the mean things people do.
I had the notion that there was an epic healing about to take place between he and I. But he hasn’t called me. And I doubt he will.
Don’t ask me why I thought any of these things about he and I and the purpose of our relationship. I’ve only met him once and we have had an adversarial online relationship for years. I had no reason to believe that anything good could come from anything having to do with him. He is selfish. Usurious. Arrogant, egotistical and downright mean. Unforgiving. He gives very little yet expect much. I knew all of this, yet I was compelled to walk towards him.
And still I am compelled to walk towards him.
You will say I have low self esteem. Or that I like drama. Or that I’m not used to people being nice to me. Or that I need to feel like I’m saving people in order to feel valuable. None of these thoughts are true.
You will say he’s a nut and I deserve better, and perhaps this is true, but that’s not the point. The point is, I said a prayer and asked about this man in my life, and I was led to walk towards him, but he is not led to walks towards me, nor is he welcoming my presence.
So how do I know I’m not crazy? How do I know anything at all? How do I know that I’m not hearing voices?
Because You told me to walk towards this man and reach out to him for no good reason and I spent a lot of money and gave things that I don’t usually give and he’s an asshole and will probably be that way for some time. And still I’m not mad at him. I’m just disappointed. Because I thought we had work to do. I thought there was something spiritual going on here and I thought that if we could just manage to get along, just manage to let Your will be done between us, get over our ego’s and just show each other some Love like it was intended to be, then something major would be healed within us.
But he didn’t call and he probably won’t. And he is not interested in Your will. He is worried about whether our interaction is pleasurable to him.
And so if I think I’m hearing Your voice and I walk in a certain direction, but I’m the only one walking that way, how do I know I’m not crazy? How do I know it’s Your voice? How do I know that I’m not just trying to give meaning to an interaction that was meaningless? How do I know anything at all, God?
I am tired but not weary. I need some Truth to nourish my Spirit. I had an amazing birthday yesterday. I was surrounded by Love and showered with gifts. I danced a dream dance come true. I did everything that I wanted to do and got everything that I wanted to get. But I did not feel how I thought I would feel.
My ego is dying and without it, things aren’t making much sense right now. The rat race doesn’t make sense. Fancy clothes don’t make sense. Even silly men who disappear because they can’t face wholeness don’t make sense. Debt doesn’t make sense. My emotions and being sad or happy doesn’t even make sense. The only thing that makes sense right now is living the Truth of my life. And I don’t even know what that means. I don’t care about my name in lights anymore.
There are deeper things that interest me. Like the meaning of life. It’s OK if I never quite figure out which religion is the way of all ways or why we live and die. It’s OK if I never understand much and if I never know the meaning of life. If I can not find a religion that suits me, though, then I need to have anchors, benchmarks, a way to know what is true and what is not. A way to know which direction to walk. A way to know if I am crazy or not.
I am here in this body and I am here in this mind, Lord. I am here in this solar system on this planet in this country in this city in this apartment sitting on what I call a chair at a table in an apartment. Typing on a computer. I need to know how to know that I’m not crazy. I need a religion now, because my back is getting stiff from sitting still too long. And so I need to know how to know where to walk. It’s not in my feelings. It’s not in my mind. It’s not even wholly in the voices I hear and visions I have.
It’s in my heart, You say. Oh, thank You.
-Suspend your mind. Question the source of the voices. Let your feelings make you aware of yourself, but do not follow them. Get deep into your spirit, and from the vantage point of spirit, ask your heart. Your mind will follow. This is your way, Laydie. It is not everyone’s way. This is your religion. Be at peace, my dear. You are not crazy at all. You have come to Me at last and you are beginning to see what Is for what it Is. You have come to me at last. You are not crazy, my dear. You are just now becoming sane…
Day 311
How Do You Know You’re Not Crazy? (On Finding Your Religion)
Well, well, well…
A friend of mine wrote a song about me and Dream Lover. A while ago. I just heard it this morning. It’s an awesome song about the fulfillment of one’s dreams and the fulfillment of love. It’s an awesome song.
Dream Lover is in town. Not in town but in state. Dream Lover is the only guy who I’ve ever loved unconditionally. He’s not the best guy I’ve ever known. Not the richest. Not the most mature or most handsome. He’s not even the kindest or the smartest. He’s definitely not the most brave. He even has a big coward side to him. But he’s the first guy that I looked at objectively, saw all his imperfections and knew that some of them may not ever change, and chose to love anyway. And we had a Heavenly time together. It was a short time, but it was such a dream come true. If I wasn’t there, I probably wouldn’t even believe that for a short moment in time, I lived my dream life with my dream person. Because after all is said and done, he was my dream person. I loved talking to him. I loved the way he walked and danced. I even loved the way his lips would tremble when he got upset. I loved what he was doing with his life and what he wanted to do with his life. I loved how he didn’t care about money and I loved how he didn’t think twice about giving from his heart. Mostly, I loved the fact that he could search my heart, read through every secret journal and thought, even ask my best of best friends, and he would find that there was no else I wanted to be with except him. I actually wanted to be with him. And he wanted to be with me. For a short moment of time.
But that time ended. So abruptly. And here I am. Remembering Heaven. He is here again. But not here. And even if he was here, things are not the same. I have a friend with a similar love story. He went somewhere and fell head over heels for a girl. He used to tell me all about her. The girl loved him too, but she was skeptical. She couldn’t believe that he could just see her and be smitten for no reason. So when he suggested that she just get up and leave her old life and follow him around the world, she hesitated. It wasn’t completely her fault. He had never gotten down on one knee and proposed to her, and she had heard rumors (true) that he had been with other women while trying to woo her. Eventually my friend abandoned the girl. Just disappeared. Told me that their relationship was over. I know he misses her. I know he loves her. I know she was his dream come true. But my friend met a new girl. A girl he doesn’t love and barely likes. But this new girl is safe. He is always in control with her. Never vulnerable. He knows that no matter what he does, this new girl will never challenge him or leave him. And so he picked her, while dreaming of the love of his life every night…
Perhaps this is my fate with Dream Lover. Perhaps our time has come and gone. I could get in my car and drive eight hours to go see him, like I’ve done before. I got buy a ticket and surprise him. But maybe he won’t be there. He has my number. He knows where I am on Facebook. He knows how to get in touch with me. Perhaps our time has come and gone.
The whole thing is just a little saddening. We can have such lovely moments with each other, such deep connections, and then pretend like nothing ever happened. Walk away without even saying goodbye. Never write a poem or a song or give a gift to let the other know that they actually meant something to us. Never say sorry or make peace. Leave our lovers with open wounds to close on their own.
Sigh… All these sad love stories. They bore me now. I mean, really. What am I gonna do? I have all these magical adventures with men that I could write a book about one day. Stuff people dream about. But the endings suck. They all turn out to be tragedies. And not even real tragedies. Nobody dies or anything. Someone just gets scared and does something stupid. That’s it. The end. Scaredy cat number one (me) closes up and scaredy cat number two (whatever man) gets with some woman that makes him feel safe. Those are really lame love stories. Nobody lives happily ever after.
What to do about all these lame love stories, God? What to do about Dream Lover. Should I go chase him down? Make him face his fears? He’s probably married or something. Probably been married all along. What should I do?
-Let him go, You say.
Such a sad ending. Let him go. Let him run away and wake up from the dream of him. His memory is a reminder of how good life can be. Of how possible Love is. Use that to wake you up again. Love again, Laydie. It’s time. All that good Love gone to waste. You know how to do it now. You know not to run or dump or cuss out. You know how to give and make a man know that he is special. You know to let your guard down. You know who to look for now. He must be brave, though. Only the brave can Love.
You know that this non-love life is pretty lame for you.
Let the wounds heal. They have been healing all along. Let them run their course. And Love again…
Ameen.
Day 310
Love Again
Hi there Love.
Day 309.
Just a small offering before I head out for the day.
A good day already.
I am in Love. With nothing in particular. I know what happens when I feel this way. I see white butterflies. I meet new people. I get gifts. Healings take place. My smile comes from my belly and people are blessed by me.
I have a lot of good news. Things in the works, but I’ll wait till it happens to share this time. Let’s just say that birth is taking place. Things are blossoming.
Dead skin is being shed. Spring is here at last.
I am remembering a smile. Sean Patrick. The type of memory every young girl should have. Full of passion and life. Frisky smile. Playful times. Talks about the future. I am remembering walking in front of him. Turning around. Smiling. He smiles back at me. Uninhibited. Beautiful… He was so beautiful.
I am remembering the side of me that falls in love. Oh, she’s pretty awesome. I am remembering that I’m pretty awesome. I’m pretty awesome. Not in a conceited kind of way, but in a real way. Sometimes you just have to remember that your worth something.
Sometimes you have to remember how much healing and beauty can come from your smile. Sometimes you just have to let it be Spring. Let the healings take place. Let the Love take over. Blossom at last. Just blossom, already. Stop holding back and being scared. Stop holding back. Blossom already.
It’s Spring time, y’all.
❤
Laydie
Day 309
Spring
Good morning World,
This is going to be a short one. I have to get ready for work real soon. I just want to take a moment to check in, though, and step away from the world of appearances.
I’ve been real busy. But let’s just step away for a moment. Fires will always be there to put out. There will always be something to do. Some reaching, some wanting. Something.
Allah, for a moment, please allow me to see a moment of Truth and Peace. I am not weary, although my life says I should be. I am not even tired although my body says I should be. My Spirit is strong and alive and I am hopeful. Things fall apart and they come together. It is the way of the world.
Peace anyway. Love anyway. Breathe anyway. Let the small stuff be what it is: small stuff. Do not get stuck in the heartbreak and disappointment. Do not get stuck in the bitterness. Don’t you see how bad it feels to be stuck in all the mud? Enough already. Just don’t get stuck. I know the world will tell you different. I know so many people are busy burning fires and warring and crying and dying and begging and being mean and everything else. I know so many people are broken. Even you. Even us.
I know we do not have all the things we want. Even me. But we have everything we need. You understand? There is air in this moment and there will be food and water. There is love even in you right now and there are hands to hold if you open yours. There is enlivening work. I know you have bills to pay and you can’t figure out how to get from here to there and prince charming didn’t get the memo that he’s supposed to be here already. But just because you’re not aware of a solution doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. Just because Prince Charming hasn’t kissed you yet doesn’t mean he’s not somewhere brushing his teeth right now. On his way.
Know that answers exist. Know that peace exists. Stay open. Stay open. Know that the little things and the solutions you see are just a part of it. Just a small part of it,. The world is pretty magical. I’m not talking about things that I don’t know. I’m alive today when I thought I would be dead and me, who couldn’t get off my bed, well, life is good for me even on the “bad” days. I know what I’m talking about. Give the small stuff a break. Above all else, stay open.
Love,
Laydie
Day 308
Stay Open
