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Day 297 – Medicine

March 6, 2014

OK. I said I wasn’t going to keep starting and restarting these blogs, but I have so much bitterness in me. I like to write it out first, but I don’t want to send it out to the world.

Just let it be as passing thoughts. Good morning world. I just wrote about spineless men and the desperate women who encourage their existence.

I’ve been writing these almost-finished blogs for the past week or so and not publishing them. Been so inundated with people and events and activities.

This blog is a necessary prayer. Been out of alignment. Mojo lost somewhere. Summoning it. The return of the mojo. The return of vibrancy. Summoning it in spite of the fact that my body is currently in more pain than I’ve ever experienced in my life. Giving complaining a rest. Giving bitterness a rest. You can just fall off me right now. I don’t want you in my life. Don’t even try to take residence here.

Thinking about Almost One. We had a heart to heart yesterday. A relationship with him could still be a possibility. Except I don’t want to walk through that door. He is the essence of the kind of man I would like to build a life a with, but his personality and mental atmosphere, all of his issues, are incompatible with mine. He opened a door to continue to get to know each other, but I am afraid and slightly insulted. Get to know each other? You better court me. I’m too old for this Cali way of dating.

This is a big lesson for me. These men, You say, have no more power over me. I just let them go, and all of the nonsense that comes with them. The strong men. The powerful men. They force you. Like working in Hollywood. It forces you to be intentional and clear or you will get pimped. The strong men who value themselves force you to be strong and value yourself.

I see a blessing in these interactions that I couldn’t see before. God You are so funny. All this time you have been trying to give me something. What quality in me is seeking to emerge? Clarity of purpose, You say. Intentionality, You say. Unconditional Love, You say. I have been looking at all their flaws instead of seeing the gift they are bringing. Womanly strength. The opening of my femininity. Me being comfortable with vulnerability. Learning how and when to give and learning when I am safe… Wisdom.

These spineless men are good for something after all. I don’t have to interact with then to have certain qualities emerge, but I can change my perspective so that the bitterness doesn’t build up in my heart and I see Truth for what it is.

I wish I had something motivational to say to you. I don’t. My body is breaking down and I am struggling more than ever to be honest. Not in my mind, though. In my body. Time alone is the remedy, You say. Nourishment. I am in need of nourishment and good food. Sometimes it’s like that. Seek the Ones who wish to give to you. It’s my turn now. Almost One wants to give. That was he was saying last night. I almost didn’t hear him.

For two hundred more words, I’m not going to be pitiful. I am going to seek the higher vantage point and operate from there. Enough is enough already.

Let’s go. Laydie. Summoning mojo. She exists in spite of all evidence. In spite of all breakdowns and confusion, clarity and peace eixsits in this moment. I bring it to my awareness. Support and nourishment exists in this moment. I bring it to my awareness. Love exists in this moment. I bring it to my awareness. All the good things that I am exist in this moment. Mojo, I am summoning you. Awaken and break free. Life break free from me. Even in this moment. Even in this moment. Even in this moment. Even in this moment. Even in this moment. Life break free from me. Change you say. Change is at hand. And Yes, I say. Yes I am willing. Yes I will. Yes I do. Yes I be. I be change. I be the higher version of myself who is struggling not to die a still birth. Yes, you may be born. Yes. Yes. Yes. Vacation is over. Not with pressure though. With kindness.

These kind of men are mirrors. Just Love them. Don’t worry about trying to judge them and change them and blame them and expect them to be a certain kind of way. No one said you have to marry them. You need a man who has casted his gaze in your direction and chosen you. Of course. But do not let the gift of a mirror pass you by. Even in this moment your body is healing. Do you see the medicine of Truth and Alignment? Inner work. You have been out of alignment. I will not allow you any more. Yes, I will remind you of how to get back to Me. I will remind you. It is time to come back to Me fully. It is time to live your life fully. You have been saying it for a while, but in Truth, it is time now. Get up now. Push publish. Be on Time. Take your medicine…


Day 297


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