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Day 300 – Shifting Focus (This Time In My Life)

March 17, 2014

Good morning World.

This about my fourth try to finish writing this Day 300 blog. Keep getting interrupted, running out of time, etc. as I’m writing.

Woke up late this morning and didn’t work on my script. The good news is, I’m up. My body is feeling much better. Not all the way well, but on the road to recovery.

I’m shifting focus. I’ve been caught up. Not just this past week, but the past three months of 2014. With men. Story of my life. With family. Bogus. Quicksand. I realize that I don’t know how to have a lasting relationship with a man. Or, rather, I don’t know how to make good choices when it comes to men. The first step to recovery is recognizing that you have a problem.

I pick unavailable men. Every time. They appear to be available on the surface, but the discerning eye could have told you from day on that they would never be with me. They have issues. Commitment issues. Mamma issues. Daddy issues. Women issues. They are mean, selfish, etc. They don’t really want anything. Just bored or doing something. They have some kind of fantastic idea about relationships and a strong opinion that they’ve never really tested out. They don’t like me. Or they don’t want me. Never will. For reasons unbeknownst to them. They’re not even willing to think about it. Etc, etc. They are mean as mud and selfish as the plague. Bottom line is, they’re just not trying to be with me in the kind of way I want. And it doesn’t take me long to realize this, but I allow my heart to get involved anyway.

There was an earthquake this morning. The Earth shook. I was laying in the bed awake and meditating. I felt the walls rumble and heard something shift in the other room. In my meditative sleepy state, I thought, “wow, the trash guys must have some really big machine they’re using. It’s making everything vibrate.” Then my brother came to the room and said there had been an earthquake.

I think life is like that. Sometimes we sit around and sleep while our lives are in danger. Think it’s a joke. My relationships with men are not a joke. They are damaging. They have been damaging. My heart has been breaking piece by piece for years. Disappointment has settled into my body. The fire in my eyes has to be culled instead of just being ablaze like I know it’s supposed to be.

And this morning I claim the end. The end already. I don’t know how I’m going to change this man thing. It’s the biggest deal in my life. But it has to change. I have to change. So Allah, I ask you to help me, please. Grow me into a woman who has healthy relationships. Grow me into a woman who experiences fulfillment. Grow me into a woman who’s dreams come true in this life time. I am better than this. I have things to do in this life. There are people for me to teach and people for me to learn from. I am just so much better than this pitiful rendition of myself that I have been playing out for the past few years.

-Are you ready, You ask.

Yes, I am ready. Let the earth quake. Let the men be mean or noncommittal or confused or whatever. Let my family have their issues. But let me be transformed in spite of it and because of it. I am willing to be transformed now. Let this initiation become a demonstration. I am done with the issues that have led to this time in my life.

This time in my life is over. i have learned patience and kindness. I have learned about giving. I have developed some character. I have even managed to redefine strong into a soft thing that works for me. I understand power and know myself well enough not to be manipulated by the powerful. My sensitivity towards different types of energies has been heightened. I am still learning the wisdom of when to talk and when to sit still, but I at least I recognize that there is a time and place for everything now and I am experimenting with talking and being quiet.

Even horrible body pains don’t really make me depressed these days. I have found a well of everlasting hope that I thing will never empty. Thank you for that. That is the best thing about this time in my life. I believe in miracles for true true now.

And this morning, I am choosing to shift focus. For this time in my life. For the end of this time in my life. I am choosing to no longer be in the initiation phase. I am choosing to demonstrate. Begin my flight as a butterfly. Maybe a bird. Or a dragon. I’m not sure what I’ve been becoming here in this cocoon, but I know that I won’t know how high I can go until I get off this ground and start to fly.

Let the men be. I give them to you. I don’t know how to change that part of me yet. I don’t know how or what to be. Meaner? Nicer? I don’t really know. I don’t think I’m that bad of a woman. I actually think I’m a good kind of woman. So, God, I give that to you. Help me get to a place where I can have a loving relationship. In fact, I just give my whole life to You. It was Yours to start out with in the first place. You’ve turned me into a religious woman after all. A spiritual woman. I claim it. In Truth, I am much more than my little thoughts. I am more than my circumstances. I am plugged in to a Power that makes the world shake in a second. I am a part of an Energy that makes flowers bloom. I am Aware of who and what I am, and I cultivate the magic in me that will allow for my earth to quake and come back into alignment. I allow for the True life programmed in me to come to Life now. Now. Now. Now.

-Shift focus, You say. And I say yes. I will focus on the kind of work I am to do at this point in my life. I will focus on polishing and cultivating the relationships that I do have that were formed in goodness. Let the men rest. Let my family do what they do and be who they be. I will let Peace and Love and Order become a priority and they can get in where they fit in.

Going to work now. And so it is.

Day 300
Shifting Focus (This Time In My Life)

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