Day 303 – Seek (Until You Find)

Good morning Life. I’m back. I must say, this was the shortest period of possible depression that I have experienced.

I’m back. And better than ever. Well, mentally and spiritually at least. Physically I am still in recovery, but I have no doubt that my body will soon catch up to what is happening inside of me.

I don’t even know where to start. Let me start by saying that I just read some of my favorite book, Oneness. Reading Oneness is like going to my spiritual center. I hardly ever remember what I read about, but when I am done reading, I feel so uplifted and connected. I feel like anything is possible, and although I can’t articulate it. Everything makes sense. I mean everything. Petty disturbances are just that. Petty. And everything seems possible. The highest possible good for all involved becomes my ambition. That was in the book today…

I am setting my focus before I leave the house. I caught up on the new season of Scandal last night and watched the three or four most recent episodes. What was interesting to me was how little control the people had over their lives versus how much control they thought they had. They were all puppets and most of them were not even aware of who was pulling their strings.

I think to a certain extent we are all puppets. Control is an illusion. The question is, who shall we choose to pull our strings? What shall be our master? Because one’s entire life is created according to a focus or a lack thereof.

I don’t know what I’m saying. I am understanding something that I can’t yet put into words. So I’ll keep quiet about that until the words come. In the meantime, I won’t delete this entry and start over. I’ll just start over here.

Good morning World. Can I tell you what is happening? I am starting to believe that I am who I am. This past week, three different people told me about myself and I was floored. I don’t know how the conversations started, but with all three of them, I was either talking about making my projects or finding a man. I was aiming really low, trying to see what I can get, and they told me about myself. They described me and the completion of my projects as the things I see in my dreams.

Even though I sit in my room and write blogs to sort out my thoughts. Even though I’m not rich yet. Even though there is no man in sight. Even though my movie is not in production yet. They still think I’m this woman. The woman of my dreams. A woman who can bring joy and happiness and Love to an occasion. They still think I”m beautiful and they actually think I could stand next to a king. I mean, like a real king. Or a priest. They are sure that my projects will be wildly successful. They think I am the person I dream of being now.

And all this time I’ve just been talking. Well, not just talking, but not really sure if anything I ever say will come to pass. Just hoping. At some point between yesterday and today, I had a brief moment of knowing. I became those three people and I knew. It was less than a few hours, but for those few hours, I knew that I was already the woman of my dreams, just like those people saw me. I knew that all of my heart’s desires are already coming to pass, and I knew that every good thing that I wanted to give and have would be given and had. For a moment there was no worry or fear. I was only excited about the activity of living. And my mind was at peace.

I am hanging on to the coattails of that moment right now. I don’t want my mind to categorize everything and start trying to figure everything out. I want to take it with me as I leave the house today. Plant it in my smile. Bury it in my step. I want to breathe it into all the misaligned places in my body and mind and let them know. I can not put this understanding into words yet, but feel it. Know it.

Life is gonna be all right. Life is all right. I know people are dying and fighting and getting sick. I know. People are hungry and wanting to do things that they can’t do and feeling powerless. I know. Love seems illusive and dreams just seem like dreams. I know. Trust me, I know. Debt mounts up and bills barely get paid. And one’s mind and emotions run amuck and it seems impossible to make sense of anything at all. I know. People hate you just because you are old or young or black or white or pretty or ugly or gay or straight or Muslim or Christian or atheist or happy or sad or quiet or loud or selfish or selfless. People hate you because you are confused. And people hate you because you are not confused. People hate. I know.

There is a lot to cry about. And we can cry forever and forever create things to be unhappy about. But I dare you to seek out peace in spite of all that is transpiring. I dare you to choose peace anyway. I dare you to be willing to see that the undertow of the world is only a part of it. It’s only a part of it. If you are feeling lost and discouraged, if your life does not look like you imagined it, if confusion and depression overwhelms you, if demons haunt you, if you do not think you will ever have your heart’s desire, if your heath is failing and you can not escape grief, I wish I could give you the cure. I know it is deeper than my words on this page.

But I will tell you something that seems to work. Seek the thing you seek. And I’m not talking about going out there and getting a job and putting an ad on a dating site or popping some depression meds. Yes, those are all actions you may take. I’m talking about sitting down, though. On your prayer mat or meditation rug. Or on a bench in nature or a church. Or in a library with a journal. Or in a dance or yoga class. I am talking about sitting down with your own mind. With your own Spirit. Sit down and look within for a place of peace. Every freaking day. Look for it. You will find it. Maybe hidden under so much muck. But once you find it, you will not be satisfied until you find it again.

And once you find it again, you will not be satisfied until you find it again. And again. And again. And when the demons come, you will entertain them for  a moment out of habit, but they will become bored with you and you will become bored with them. Because the good stuff is so much nicer. It’s so much more filling. And you will seek peace. Until you find it again. And the other things in life, the job and the man and whatever else, will take care of themselves.

This is all theory, or course. I am testing it out as I write about it. I have found, though, that sinking into quicksand isn’t quite my thing any more. Nor is fighting men or crying every day or being confused and unhappy. I’m not really into body breakdowns or nervous breakdowns any more. Religious debates are a bore now. And stress… well, it makes my hair fall out, and I’m slightly vain, so no room for that. Peace is finally giving me no other option and I court it willingly. We had a moment today, dear Life, and I shall court you moment by moment until you become me… Thank you so much.

Day 303

Seek (Until You Find)