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Day 296 – Confidence

February 23, 2014

Just deleted and restarting this blog. I know I’ve been doing that a lot these days.

My first versions are just so whiny. Getting things out so I can sort, or “process” my feelings, as my therapy savvy friends say.

Today I’ve been crying. Over nothing as has been the norm for the past month or so. This weekend I went to a few exercise classes with a friend, worked out with sis at a park, went to my spiritual center, went to see a play with bro, went out to eat with a friend, helped said friend cleanse his room, paid some bills and slept. Someone asked me to be the love of his life… Cried…

Read over my intention statement about men. “I allow myself to have a loving relationship full of fun, trust, tenderness, passion, freedom, support, kindness and loyalty.”

I think I listened to an attack on self-help books. I’m going to ignore the fact that it was probably an attack on me. Who cares. Not me today.

I saw Will at my spiritual center today (the man with the big, healing hands that prayed with me twice). He looked like he’d aged five years in one week. He never speaks to me, or anyone for that matter, but when I speak to him, he always seems pleasantly surprised and animated. I didn’t feel like reaching out to him today. I felt like punching him in the face for coming to a place full of people and trying so hard to never  make eye contact with anyone or interact in any way with anyone who doesn’t force themselves on him. I know it’s his life and he can do what he wants, but I’m just being real. I felt like punching him in the face.

So here we are. It’s 9:15pm and the urge to burst out crying is seeping up in me again. There’s no reason. I mean, I could look and see what’s sad in my life and say that I’m crying because of this or that, but it wouldn’t be true. I’m not even thinking about anything in particular. Just then I was thinking about punching Will in the face. Maybe I associate him with the rejection of any man I ever thought I could have a fabulous life with. Maybe that’s why I felt like crying just then. Maybe. Maybe it’s because I had to intentionally take the last man standing off of my heart today and accept the fact that he didn’t choose me. For real. He may choose me another day, but not today, and his presence on my heart is blocking anyone else from being there. I had to let him go. So maybe that’s why I’m crying. Maybe, but probably not. I’ve cried over him already.

Maybe I’m chemically imbalanced. Or bypolar. Or emotionally unstable. Maybe someone put a spell on me or I need to eat more iron. Maybe I need more sunlight. Or I need to finish sorting my papers… Sometimes I just wish I had an answer. I went to a psychologist once to see if I was crazy and she did all kinds of test. Finally told me about how strong and fabulous I was. I hate when people call me strong. To me, it means they won’t help me. It means they won’t empathize with me or pity me. I have to check the box that says I’m a danger to myself or others for people to take me seriously. But if I’ve been through an unfathomable storm, if I’m crying without reason every day and I still manage to work and be productive and help people and live somewhere and my eyes are white and my smile is still genuine, then I must have exceptional coping skills and no one thinks I have a problem.

Sigh… In reality, I don’t think I have a problem either. But that doesn’t take away from the fact that I’d like some help. With what, You ask.

With making sense of it all. With feeling alive. With knowing how to choose a life partner. With being content.

-You have come a long way.

I know. I know I have. I started at a really low place, though. I had a long way to travel just to get here. And I’m a little afraid, God. Of being out of control. Of having all these emotions like now and not knowing what’s going on with me. I’m afraid of what’s out there at the next part of my life and that’s why I’m in my room. And that’s why I don’t want to finish the last pieces of the stuff I’m finally finishing. I’m afraid. Help me. Please.

-Ask for what you want.

Clarity. My smile back. Coming from all of me. Clarity of purpose. Clarity of action. Energy to complete the things that I have in mind to complete. Mutually nourishing relationships… It’s already happening, huh? It’s already here.

Then what is my problem?

Nothing. Really? Nothing? Just like the psychologist. You are telling me that I don’t have a problem.

-Do you?

… No. I am crying because my body and the deeper layers of my emotional, psychological and subtle bodies are releasing patterns that I’ve been holding onto for years. I am releasing. I am staying away from constant social contact because I instinctively know that I am vulnerable to all sorts of energy and I am protecting myself. My energy is low because I am experience a major shift, like when I go to my healer lady and she does what seems like absolutely nothing and then I sleep for three days. I am spending so much time in solitude praying and meditating and reading because I am realigning myself with my Divine nature, feeding myself with the truth of who I am. I am already ready and I am already able to come back to the world and participate in a fully meaningful way that makes me feel alive and content, but I am hiding behind confusion because I am not confident. So what I really need is confidence.

-Yes

I was going to ask a question but You say I already have the answers. It’s a catch 22. I get confidence by taking action on the things I know to be True. I get confidence every time I reach towards a medicine that You have led me to, and I take the medicine and find myself better afterwards. But what about when I think You are leading me in a particular direction and I walk in that direction and I don’t find what I’m looking for? How can I trust myself then?

– It’s a good question… Don’t trust yourself. Trust Me. You of yourself can do nothing. I know it’s confusing. You don’t know what books to read to guide you. You don’t know who I AM. Is there a God, you ask. Is there a Higher Power? Who are You, you ask? Trust in what you know to be True. You Know I exist. You don’t believe. You KNOW. You know there is more than your mind and your perception of the world. You know this. You know that life is bigger than your experience of it, but you experience life only through your self. Now. Let’s go deeper. You know that for every problem you can create, there is a solution. That is why they can not help you. You know what they would only like to believe. The solution does not come from you. It comes from the part of you that is more than you. It comes from Me. And I am you and then some.

So as you cry, be confident in the process. As you sit alone in your room, feeling quite content, be confident in the process. Be confident in what you know. As you listen to so many voices and whispers from others, listen with humility, but listen for My voice. Listen for My voice. The voice of Truth. It lives in all, but it is up to you to know when you are hearing My voice some from another and when you are simply hearing another’s voice.

Your husband is on his way. But you know this. He has been preparing himself for you as you have been preparing yourself for him. He has been waiting for you to become open enough to welcome all his Love. He has been waiting for you to be strong enough and woman enough to raise children who will thrive in this world. You have been becoming the kind of woman that kings and priests dream of. You have been becoming the woman of the man of your dream’s dream.

Yes, this is real. It is not just your imagination. Be confident in what you know. Take action in what you know. Act on Divine Guidance. Act on what you know to be true. This is your path. Do not worry about the path of others. They have their own way. Clean your place. Purify. Guard your sacred space until all of you knows you are ready and your release is complete, and then see what happens. See what I have in store…

Ameen.

Day 296

Confidence

 

 

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From → The Initiation

2 Comments
  1. Wonderful writing. It’s 1:20am where I’m at and this is exactly what I wanted to read before going to bed. Wow. Certainly moved by this…


  2. Thank you for reading.

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