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Day 298 – If Dreams Come True Were Inevitable

March 10, 2014

Hi there.

I don’t know what it’s going to take for me to feel better.
It’s almost 3am. Monday.

I still feel horrible.

Thought I was getting better today. Well, I take that back. My cold is gone, so I am a little better.But my head is still pounding with pain, and the head pain was/is the worst.My body still hurts…

I was Facebook stalking and I see that Dream Lover will be in town. Performing. On my birthday. Easter. The day of my photo shoot. Forty days from today. My sister’s husband will have come to town to join her by then. She will be leaving.

I am feeling a little overwhelmed with emotion this morning. Remembering what life looked like when I thought I had a someone. No one can say I didn’t try. I tried the best I could and he ran away from me. Disappeared. All of his words, all of his gifts, all of the time we spent turned to dust before my eyes. Dreams of the businesses we would start to change the world became dreams again. Babies became bloody periods. Stifling screams. Why did he leave? Why did he love me so much and leave? Because he loved me so much. I didn’t imagine it all. I was there. He was there. I saw the way he looked at me. I felt the way he held.

He was my husband, God. And he left. I walked a little taller when I thought I had him. I felt a little more peace. I was a little more alive.

And now he will be back in town. And maybe he won’t see me. And maybe he will. But how is it that he is there and I am here pining for love?

What to do about these things, God? Allah. Jah. Jehovah. What name must I call you by so that I may understand? What shall I do about my heart?

What shall I do about my heart? Just like my body. I thought I was well. I thought I was done with all from the past and then a small thing comes to my attention and I am heartbroken again. Except it is not again. I have been heartbroken all along without realizing it. I have been holding out on love for almost two years now, mired in my poverty and my basic survival issues.

And now Dream Lover comes around, only in my thoughts. He doesn’t have poverty and basic survival issues. He lives the magic that people write about in books. We matched so well. I liked everything about him. I even liked the things I didn’t like. I was sure about him, God. Why did he leave?

The men say get over him. Move on. You deserve better. What kind of man makes the kind of promises he did and just disappears? And of course they are right. But it doesn’t matter that they are right. He lives in my heart just the same.

What to do about my heart, God? It is starving. My life is becoming stagnant. What to do about it? I am going through the motions of daily life, doing ok. I feel OK. Not depressed. Hardly ever depressed. Sometimes happy. But the thrill is gone. I am not compelled to wear pretty clothes or put lotioned socks on my feet at night so they will be supple. I’m bored with myself. The walls in my room are still white.

But if I thought Dream Lover was coming, or if I thought Almost Famous would ever look my way, or if I thought there was someone as fabulous as those two men who might actually love me, then I would paint my walls straight away. My movie would be made pronto. I would have an income that was compatible with my abilities, because I would want them to be proud of me. I would go out in nature every day and make my life exciting so that they could talk about how cool their woman was.

I would find more friends and build more community, so I could introduce them to my fabulous life. Because they are so fabulous, I would have to be fabulous too to stand next to them, but I’m up for the challenge and the transformation of my life is not to far off. I could have everything done in the next three months.

What a realization. I could have everything done in the next three months. Literally… I don’t know if I want to dig this deep this morning. Yes, You say.

I have been waiting. I have been waiting for some fabulous man to say he wants me, and then I can start my life. I have been waiting for Dream Lover to say he’s coming back, and then I would get my belly back flat. I have been waiting for Almost Famous to say he’s coming to town, and then I would really get on the grind to make my apartment a home, because maybe he might want to come for dinner.

I have been waiting. For some man. To say, “Yes. Life is worth living now that I am here. Let’s begin.” It has been my subconscious fantasy for as long as I can remember.

But no one is here. They have come. In spaceships and on planes. Riding bikes, cars and trains. On foot. They have come and asked me to go with them… I didn’t go. I stayed. I pushed and ran and fought. I didn’t go when they came for me and now we are all alone, pining for love. The dreamers who live for the dream alone, unable to face its manifestation…

I am a walking contradiction. So strong yet so fragile. I do not believe in the possibility that I will live without a man forever. There is too much Love in me to be given and that would defy all the natural laws. However, I don’t know when he will arrive. It could take days or years.

In the meantime, I have to get ready. I have not learned how to be the best I can be just for myself yet, and I’m not quite sure if I buy into that trending thought. I know I’m supposed to think, “Girl, you better be beautiful for yourself. You better be successful for yourself. You better do all that you’re supposed to do to make yourself proud.” Or I know I’m supposed to be trying to do good deeds and do stuff for the world so I can go to Heaven or make my mom or whoever proud, but that doesn’t motivate me.

What motivates me to do better in life is the thought of a fabulous man showing up tomorrow looking in my direction. It sounds really shallow, but it’s the truth. What motivates me is the thought of having the kinds of friends that Dream Lover has, and the thought of sitting around having fun creating stuff. I used to sit and talk about the purpose of life and feel called to do this, that and the other so that I can fulfill my purpose, but I feel differently about it now.

I don’t know. I’m changing so much. I am understanding what Howard Thurman meant when he said, “What the world needs is people who have come alive” and I am interested in coming alive again.

This is just not me anymore. I am smarter than this. I am more beautiful than this. I am more than this. I have much more to offer. I Love to share. I am cleaner than this, and mostly, I am more alive than this.

Dream Lover comes to my awareness and reminds me of how vibrant life is. I take a moment to imagine what I would do now if I knew a man was coming soon. What would I do now if I knew that soon I would be on set directing a movie? What would I do now if I knew that I would be signing patents on several inventions? What would I do if I knew I would be helping people overseas build communities. What would I do if I knew that my dreams come true were inevitable?

What would I do about my heart then? What would I do about my health and my livelihood then? How would I spend my time?

If I believed that dreams come true were inevitable, then I would lose weight. I would get my hair and wardrobe in check. I would make more money and pay off more debt. I would clean up my personal circle just a little more. I would cultivate different types of relationships. I would just tell the truth and reveal myself to more people. And share. I would study and read different kinds of books. I would put more love and color in my life…

Every situation is an entry point to a deeper relationship with God. For the next 40 days I am going to take action. I am going to live as if Dreams Come True are inevitable. I am choosing to believe that for me they are…

Action: morning walk

Day 298
If Dreams Come True Were Inevitable

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From → The Initiation

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