Ok. I said I was gonna write every day from now on. I have about twenty minutes until this day is over, so this one will be short.
Good Day World. Hello. Thank you For Being Here With Me. I am taking a break for the first time since 7 am. My fingers hurt.
I am slightly excited, though. I’m coming alive. I think you don’t even realize you are numb until you start coming alive again.
I don’t have a topic for today. I just want to say thank you. I just want to say bless you. Change does come. Maybe I will start writing poems from now on, or making this blog a little more beautiful. I’ve never even explored how to put up pictures, etc.
I’m falling in Love. Now don’t get any ideas and start asking me about who, because there is no who. I’m falling in Love with myself. Not in a vain way, but in a way that I’m actually beginning to like myself. I’m actually beginning to like my life. I’m actually beginning to know that I’m ok even when things don’t seem OK. I’m actually becoming happy for real.
People who haven’t been around me in a while notice the change. I can enjoy a conversation without wrinkling my forehead. I can smile and give things, and sometimes it’s not even intentional. It’s beginning to be a habit. I can bounce back from disappointments that used to linger for years in a matter of weeks or days now.
I have changed a lot. Not that I was a bad person before. I was always the person I am. I just feel more safe showing myself now. I’d like to start a new story of my life. The old story is lame now. I’d like to pick up a new life.
In this story, there is a woman. She Loves with all her heart. She is wise and smart and beautiful. Skilled at many things. But unlike my past story where the woman is betrayed and disappointed and taken for granted and used, in this story, the woman’s love is received and reciprocated. She is cherished and cared for. She connects with others who Love with all their hearts as well and through their Loving, through their openness, through their sincere desire to make their lives a good life for themselves and for all their relations, they change themselves. They grow themselves. They live out loud boldly and they help to make the world better by being who they are.
This new woman in this new story is not ashamed of joy. She is not ashamed of success. She is not ashamed of knowing God. She is not ashamed of all she has been and all she is to become. This woman is full of passion expressed and forgiveness and life shows up for her in greater ways than she has ever dared to imagine.
This is my new story, y’all. Change does come. I’m sticking to it…
Day 327
A New Story (Change Does Come)
Good morning World,
I think I’ll write every day from now on. 365 is the goal. One year of intentional reflections, spread over the course of three years.
It’s usually how life works. We take at least three times as long to do things. Take five years to break up with someone that we knew we didn’t want to be with after five months. Take two years to finish a project that really only consists of eight hours of work. Take three years to lose thirty pounds. You get the gist.
Good morning World. I am enlivened today. Usually when I’m feeling excited like this, I want to quit my job so I can stay off and do something relevant to living, but I’ll go to work today and be grateful to have this day of feeling good.
Don’t worry. I’m not going to be a mistress. I told him I don’t want to do the whole mistress thing and he understood and respects my decision. Oh, but I’m so glad I got the proposition. I’m so glad that I had an entire nervous breakdown for a week. I’m so glad I face my fears and looked at Mr. President with an open heart for the first time. I am so glad. Let me tell you why.
Let me tell you what has happened. It’s over. The fear. The regret. The sadness. The pent up energy that I have had surrounding this man for over a decade is over. I can finally see the good in him now. I can see what conditions would make it possible for a person to be a mistress: being alone and having someone make you an offer that you almost can’t refuse, wanting to feel just a little bit of passion after feeling dead for so long. I can see how it would be possible for a person to make a secret decision, and because I can understand that now, I can be a little less judgemental.
Mostly what has happened is that one more bit of fear has fallen off. And I can face the next challenge realizing that it may only hurt for a week. Something that has tormented me for a lifetime, if I confront it, may only take a week to be resolved. I will only be crazy and confused for a short amount of time, maybe it will last less than a week next time, and then I can be free of it forever. I will never fight Mr. President again. I know it. He will never fight me either. I know it. Something between us has been cleansed. My brother, too. There is no more fighting between us.
And Mr. President brought such a Lovely gift. The remembrance of Passion. It’s right on time. He’s so alive, and he has grown up. It’s not often that you meet people who have grown up. Mostly as you get older, you come across people from your past and see that they have grown down. They have lost their zeal and happiness. They have become bitter. Their dreams have not come true and they are hopeless. They have the same issues that they had years ago, except now they have added paranoia and meanness to the pile and closed their hearts. I do not know many people who have grown up, so I’m glad to see that someone I know is moving up in their lives. Perhaps something more will come of our communication. I’m open.
My life is becoming clean again. My energy is coming back. My body is finally healing after a long time of sickness. So I’m grateful this morning. It’s been a long time coming. A spell is being lifted. My heart is being cleaned at last and I’m finding that this is a journey worth taking.
For the sake of my children. For the sake of the work that I have to do in this world. For the sake of my peace of mind and for the health of my body and skin. For the sake of my family. For the sake of the man who will finally meet me with an open heart. I’m not afraid any more. Come what may. Endeavoring to clean up my mind and heart and life and live with integrity and allow happiness to flow to and through me is a journey worth taking. For all my relations…. Ameen.
Day 326
A Journey Worth Taking
Hello Love,
How are you? I am well. Had a very good day today. People did nice things for me all day long.
I finally got my degree. I know, I graduated five years ago, but today it’s official. I ordered my diploma and got a letter stating that I have a Master’s in Fine Arts from a fancy school. It doesn’t mean that much to me, but it means a lot to the new job that I’m being considered for. It’s the first job I’m being considered for since graduating that actually requires a Master’s. Go figure.
Right now I’m sitting in a courtyard at my alma mater recognizing what a different world this place is than where I live and work. I live and work amongst people who are at their wit’s ends. This place is where elitist send their children. Renowned everyones come to work and study. State-of-the art everything everywhere…
Today, Love, I want to apologize to you. I haven’t had a lot of positive uplifting stuff to say, and sometimes I think I should only write positive stuff because I know that’s what you want to hear, but that’s not what this blog is about. This blog is about truth. And healing isn’t always pretty. In fact, most of the time, healing is pretty ugly. If you’ve ever seen someone quit a habit, then you know that they will throw up, cough, punch walls, curse, and be sick as a dog before it’s all over. They will cry a lot and think all kinds of thoughts. They will have horrible dreams and sometimes they will try and hurt you and look at you like you’re the enemy.
They are only healing. There is an ugly part of it that must be walked through. Do not run from it. Do not judge it. Do not try and distract yourself over and over again. You will always come back to the issue that needs to be dealt with. Let the healing come. Stick with your intention until you get to the place of peace.
It’s a part of it. I’m going through a major healing, so don’t take me personal, please. The worst is over, I promise. I might throw up again every now and then. And maybe I’ll cuss someone out every now and then (I won’t do it any more in real life, though). But I promise to see this thing through till the end. I promise I will be much better after it’s all said and done and we will get to the other side of happy. Heck, we are already there. We just have to get used to our new legs now.
I’m so glad about ordering my diploma today because it represents me finishing something. All the way to the end. I’m so glad about Mr. President and all the others surfacing because I am getting an opportunity to cleanse my heart for real and have a pure space for a real Love.
Next to me, there is a diverse group of smart people sitting and discussing something. I am glad, Allah. The dark ocean of oil seems like it is dissipating. I am still in it, but it is only a figment of my imagination. As much as the light. It’s not so much that the darkness is disappearing and the light is now coming. The darkness and the light have always been here. It’s just a matter of which one I choose to dwell in.
Thank you for moments of peace. Thank you for understanding and diversity. Thank you for life. And thank you for the ugly, ugly, beautifully blessed healings.
Day 325
Ugly Healing
Hi Guys,
I started a blog yesterday, and then I got a phone call from Mr. President and got all distracted.
I’m all over the place. Not drowning, but good Lord, how are things just changing so suddenly? Just when I was getting a regular routine and a handle on things.
My brother cleaned the bathroom. He’s being all nice to me and stuff. I don’t even know how to act. Our war is over. We have been at war for more than half my life and he cleaned the freaking bathroom. A peace offering. What am i supposed to do about that? Like, I don’t know how to act. He wants to be my friend…
And Mr. President took it a step further. He called me. Been over a year since I’ve spoken to him, but the other day he called, confessed his never-ending undying love to me, and asked me to be the mother of his child. Yes he did. He’d set me up real nice, he said. Buy me a house. Help me start up whatever business I want or just support me if I don’t want to work… Make sure me and our daughter are always taken care of, he said. He always used to talk about us having a girl together….
He’s married…
You know, I thought I should be upset and offended and mad about this proposition from a married man. I mean, I don’t do things like that, flirt with married men. But for some reason, I wasn’t appalled by his offer. Like, my womb didn’t see anything wrong with the thought of having his baby. And then these… feelings… started bubbling up inside me. What is this ish? Feelings? Where the f did they come from? I started cussing in my mind. F f f f f…. FFFFF!
Where are all these feelings coming from? Who am I? Who is this man showing up from my past and just destroying all mental plans that I’ve made? Doesn’t he know it took me a good year to stabilize myself in LA and actually get a job and pay my own rent on time and have green juice in the fridge when I want it? Does he know how long it took me to be able to be disciplined and sit in front of my computer and work on my creative projects without having an anxiety attack? Does he know the inner work I’ve had to do just to be able to walk around and smile for real and make friends and open up to people? I’m finally kind of doing OK. And it took a while for me to get here. And I had plans, you know. In a month or so my body would be back healthy and I’d be exercising again. And then, you know, slowly but surely, my producer and I would make my film come to life. And I’d get a better paying 9 to 5 while I work on my film until the money for the film came…
This man just had one conversation with me and made all my little plans seem… little. These stupid successful men just make my life seem so little. I was embarrassed to be in my life. You see, I met him a long time ago. Before he was married. He’s older than me, and when we met he was just starting his first business. I was in college. He always wanted to marry me and I always told him no. I was perpetually caught up in some man drama. Finally, he gave up and married someone else. This was a few years ago, just at the beginning of the end of my life. Just before I met the man that inspired this blog. Mr. President gave up on me and married someone else.
And now he’s back. And for the first time ever, I’m not caught up in some man drama. And I realize that I’ve never really seen him for who he is. He’s freaking beautiful. And kind. And giving. And he’s so smart. And humble. And he Loves me…
He’s got a wife and kids and all these fancy businesses and money galore and I have… a car with expired registration and so many ideas that have yet to come into their fullness. And he is saying to me, “Come. Let’s change your life.” He’s not the kind of man to get a divorce. And he’s not the kind of man to leave his kids. And he’s not the kind of man to betray his heart… I’m Cristina on Grey’s Anatomy, looking at Burke’s fancy life. He’s trying to help me. He still Loves me. He’d probably be my husband if I asked. And he’d probably help me change my life if I never even held his hand…
And he has shut my big fat mouth. Because I don’t know what to say or do about this situation.
So there you have it. I asked for some freaking closure, but I wasn’t expecting this. I wasn’t expecting to feel stuff and have my whole world torn asunder.
I can feel myself being untethered from the black oil ocean. The darkness will not overtake me after all. But I have been sitting in it for so long. I have forgotten. Or perhaps I’ve never known. How do I do this alive part? Who am I now, Allah?
You say, “Cry No More.”
– I can just walk out of the darkness like that?
An image. Covered in black oil. Standing up. My God, there is a whole world outside of this ocean. I am weak, but I’m standing up! There is an entire universe out there that I’ve never seen. I can’t be a mistress.
-No, you can’t. But you can Love. You can be honest. You can be open. And you can heal the past with Truth. Do you understand the power of Truth and Love? It heals everything.
Take a break from your preconceived notions. Take a break from your need to know how every story is going to end before you start to write it. Take a break from desperation. This is the alive part. Take a break from sadness and confusion. Trust that you have come to Me in earnest and your prayers are answered. Trust that you know what to do next.
Of course your husband is on his way, and I am preparing you. Of course a new life is on it’s way. It is already here. And you are walking in it. Listen to your heart and womb, baby. Listen to the Guide within. Do not worry of the wilderness any more. You know your way home. Now walk! Walk… Walk…
Day 324
Walk (Once You Know The Way)
Hey.
It’s a tough day. I called in to work and will go in after lunch. I only have four hours left of hooky time or I’d call in all day.
My ex, one of the three who I didn’t know what to do about, emailed me yesterday. I kid you not. Haven’t been in touch with him in months. He emailed yesterday, as I was wondering what to do about him. Asked me to be his mistress. I kid you not.
-_-
I went over my beautiful neighbor’s house last night. He’s lovely. I accidentally saw a pic of the woman he’s courting. He and I are the same race. She isn’t. His ex prior to her wasn’t our race either. I asked him if he doesn’t like girls his race. He got uncomfortable. Should have kept my mouth shut. For the past ten years he has been going overseas and getting in long distance relationships with girls that don’t look like him. Obviously, local girls his race are not his thing…
Sigh…
As deeply depressed as I can be, I spoke with a family member yesterday and realized that I am usually the happiest person in my family.
My job tried to use me as a scapegoat and now they are highly upset and angry to discover that I have a brain and won’t be used as a doormat. I filed a grievance against them, and that’s not so bad. What’s disturbing is my union rep called me yesterday and told me I’d have to potentially be available at the job all summer long. I was planning on quitting next month, taking a summer vacation, and starting a new job in the fall. This is a government job and I don’t want to leave it with an open disciplinary thing on my record… But I wanted to go on vacation.
And my vacation money? Well, I have to pay some outstanding fees to my alma mater immediately so I can get my official diploma if I want to get this new job I applied for. They need an official diploma before they make their decision…
My friends all have bigger problems than I do. They think I’m the happy one…
And so starts the darkness. There are no heroes, God. All my life I have hated being the hero. I was always the one people came to for stuff, as crazy as I am. I remember when my first love cheated on me, secretly married some girl (overseas of course) and made a baby with her. I asked him why he did it. He said he had to. She was weak and needed someone to take care of her, he said. I was strong, he said. I could handle the disappointment of losing the love of my life.
This strong shit has plagued me all my life. I am strong. I can handle being rejected and abandoned. I can deal with being flaked on. I can be alone. I know how to make it in a big city on my own. I don’t need a man or kind words. I can win wars with my apartment or my job. Heck, I can get a new job pronto if anything happens because I am strong and smart. There is no pity for me because I am not pitiful. There are no arms to run to…
God, must I be broken to be Loved? I tried that out, too, and it only works if I stay broken. But I don’t want to be broken. And I don’t want to be weak or strong. I just want to be me. Weak and strong. Just me. All of me. And I want life to be good finally. Is that too much to ask for?
Is this good life only in my head? Because I don’t see it anywhere else. I don’t see girls who look like me being Loved for real. I don’t see people living the life of their dreams and doing their life’s work for real. I see crazy eyes everywhere I look. And disturbance. I see people barely holding it together by the hair of their chinny chin chins. I see lies everywhere. Unspoken resentments and depression run amuck. And every now and then when I find a king or a priest who I can look up to, they just don’t want me.
So I quit, God. Here I am. Sitting in the darkness. With an attitude. I quit. I’m mad at You. Why don’t You save me? Why don’t You be my hero? I am drowning in the darkness. I am tired of swimming. I see myself in an ocean of black oil. Heavy. You have no words for me except, “Do you want to die?”
…
No.
…
So I sit in the black oil ocean. It is like that in the darkness. It is not drowning. It is just dirty stagnation. Just sitting in an ocean of black oil. Looking at an ocean of black oil. Others float amongst you. An entire ocean full of dirty souls. Some close their eyes and just go under. Others try to swim, but I can not watch them flailing, knowing the oil is too thick and they will go nowhere. The darkness exists.
What to do about it, God? I am sitting in it and I do not want to die.
Then say you want to live, You tell me. But I can’t say it, because it’s not true. And in the darkness, you have to tell the truth. But that is the only way out, isn’t it? In the darkness, it is not enough to just say you don’t want to die.
You have to want to live. You have to be able to say it in truth. But I can’t say it in truth today. All I can say is I don’t want to die. I don’t even know if this alive stuff is real. It only comes to me in dreams and short moments of life. I am scared to believe in it again. At least I know the darkness is real. I have never sustained the light. How can I believe in it?
Sit with Me in the darkness, You say. No need to make it more or less than what it is. The darkness eats at your skin, so We can not tarry too long. But for now, let us sit in Truth. Let us not fool ourselves. We don’t want to die, but we can not yet say that we believe in life. We can not say that We want to live. We still think that the whole world only consists of our experience of it.
-Do you see the way out, Laydie?
Recognizing that life consists of more than my experience of it. Being honest with myself about what I really believe. Making proactive choices. Saying I want to live.
-Yes. Yes!
But I can’t say I want to live yet.
-Then say something.
I am here, God. I am here. I want to live but I don’t know how. Help me.
– Yes. Yes. And so it is.
And so it is…
Day 323
In the Darkness (Do You Want To Live?)
Good morning world. Today is a good day.
It’s actually 5:00pm, but I stayed up all night and didn’t go to sleep until 8:00am. I woke up around noon and have been meddling around the house, and now I’m starting my day.
And, oh, what a day it is! Last night I went to go pay a debt. A musician had performed pro bono at an event I put on a while ago, and I told her I was going to give her a token of appreciation for her performance. Our schedules kept clashing, so I last night she asked me to meet her and her family at a recording studio. I came and gave her the gift and they told me she was going to be performing on an internet show that night. They invited me to stay. In the past, I would have said no because I don’t know them like that. I would have felt like I was intruding or like they were just trying to be nice to me.
But, as I was sitting in the green room, I thought about it. They had just made me in invitation. They were inviting me to get to know them like that and be a part of their world. And so I stayed. At the end of the show, the host invited us to “cease the moment.” It had been quite a moment to cease. The musicians on the show were fabulous. Some of the people there had come to the event I threw a while ago and they asked when I was going to throw another one. The people were alive and creative and oh, the family of the musician I had met were just so wonderful. Full of goodness and honesty. I had thought the woman was mean before, but I saw such a loving, gentle side of her. She was awesome.
I exchanged info. Made new friends. Sometimes I can be good and not shy in public and last night was one of those nights. I didn’t feel less than anyone. I didn’t feel more than anyone. I just felt comfortable in my own skin and I was able to share just like I wanted and have people share with me.
And I am invigorated this morning. And grateful. After the event, I went and visited a friend around 1:00 in the morning. We sat in my car and talked and talked until the sun came up. We talked about relationships and how, even though you may end a relationship with someone, it’s not really over until it’s over. For me, I can feel the connection. You still feel attached to certain people even if you haven’t talked to them in years. You still feel like there is some kind of unfinished business. Like a hug you didn’t give that you should have. Or an apology. It’s not about them. Sometimes you still feel like they owe you an apology, but it’s not about them. It’s you holding on to unforgiveness. Their wronging of you is their own unfinished business.
I made a mental list of all the attachments, particularly men, that I was holding onto. Anyone who thought incited some feeling of pain, frustration, longing, or hope. Surprisingly, some of the people that I had had really deep connections with were no longer on the list. I was happy to know that I have let go of some of my past. But there is still some unfinished business.
But I wasn’t scared to look at it. It wasn’t daunting. I was glad to see it. As I was sitting on the car, one of the people who was on my list, a guy who I will call Mr. President, had emailed me. Mr. President is a man I almost married. I never talk about him. I have been proposed to several times, but he is the only man who would have actually married me the next day with no questions asked had I said yes. He went out of his way to meet my parents and ask for my hand. He pursued me. Maybe one day I will tell you the story, because it’s pretty romantic. He used to call me and ask, “how are my babies?” speaking about the unborn children in my womb. He was a caretaker and I ran far, far away from him. I never said no when he asked me to marry him. I just didn’t say anything at all. So he left. Had babies with someone else. Not sure if he ever married her. Not sure if he’s still with her today.
But he wrote me last night. “I missed you a lot today,” he simply wrote.
And I looked at my list of unfinished business. The one I had just conjured up. His name has the most energy around it. Because I don’t really know what to do about it. Most of the other names just need a goodbye letter, an I’m sorry, an explanation. I need to give one guy a hug if he’ll let me. I need to tell some people thank you… I have been proposed to five times in my life. Mr. President is one of them and there are two others who are on the list of unfinished business. They have big stars by their names, red pulses, because if I saw them today and they asked me to marry them again, which they would because none of them are happily with anyone, I don’t know what I would say.
And why is any of this relevant? Because it’s summer time and I’m ready to fall in Love again. And these people linger in the recesses of my mind. They get in the way when I meet someone new, because I have these thoughts. “What if such and such comes back? I know they’re gonna come back. What would I do? Who would I pick if they were all three standing in front of me? Should I just close all those doors completely and open all the way up to something new? What about the other people who linger in my mind who don’t have big stars by their names? The ones who I never gave a chance? Should I see what’s up with them?” Because I am actually ready and wanting to have a life partner now. Yes, I said that out loud and I didn’t throw up or have an anxiety attack.
I am so ready for the alive, all the way stuff now. Last night at the studio, I felt like I was among my peers and they looked at me and talked to me like I was one of them. They offered help with my projects and they wanted to be a part of my circle just as much as I wanted to be a part of theirs.
I’m ready to be with my partner now, my Life partner. I am ready to do my life’s work. It’s kind of funny. At my job, management is trying to use me as a scapegoat for some unwarranted investigation they did on a coworker of mine. Everyone is worried about me and thinks I’m under stress because I now have to defend myself and do this whole political dance, but I’m not under stress at all. I’m glad. I see it as a wonderful sign that it’s time to do my life’s work. I see it as an opportunity to bring just a little truth to a corrupted system and help set a standard so that management thinks twice before they try to mess with the next person.
But Allah, I’m ready now. And I can say that without fear so I know I’m really ready. I actually feel worthy of a good life, finally. I’m actually able to resolve conflicts now without running and I’m actually able to face my fears. I can stick to things now and commit to things and I know the difference between being clear about a decision and not being clear. I’m growing up now. I can truly forgive and allow people to show me kindness. I can flip a situation when it’s going sour or walk away. I can get off the bed and I can be humble even when I know another person has wronged me and won’t ever say sorry. I can still follow through with what You’ve put in my heart in those instances.
And following through with my heart helps me to sleep in peace at night.
I don’t know what to do about some of the people on my unfinished business list, but I know You will guide me. More information is needed. In the meantime, Allah, I keep my heart open and open it even more. I do the things that I know to do. I write the letters that I know to write and pay the debts that I know to pay. I reach out in the ways you Guide me, and I sit still when I do not hear Your voice. We are doing alive stuff now. We are doing grown-up stuff now. We are doing happy stuff now. We are even doing exciting stuff now. Now. At last. Finally. We are Living our Lives.
Day 322
Unfinished Business (The Alive Part)
Let’s try again. This is a blog rewrite. Sometimes I have to get all the confusion and pain out first before I have something I can give to the world.
Today I want to talk about Love and Aloneness. I experienced aloneness this weekend. On purpose. I decided to do an experiment and face my greatest fear: this alone thing. It was horrible but I survived.
I learned that there is a difference between spending time with people out of a need to fill a space and spending time with people just because you like their company. I let my lonely heart break at last and found that this lonely thing was not my heart at all, but a shell covering up so much truth.
My heart is not lonely at all.
I want to tell you something. This transformation stuff is not easy. In fact, it’s downright hard at times. You cry and your heart breaks and your body does all kinds of crazy things that you don’t understand and sometimes your head hurts or your energy is gone. And long periods may pass where you don’t see any progress, or even where it may seem like things are going backwards.
People who you thought would be on your journey may not join you. In fact they may even talk about you or betray you or just do something downright mean on purpose. You may be rejected over and over again.
And one day you may find yourself sitting at a park alone, like I was this weekend. Without a man to have a crush on. Without a hand to hold. The one person who understands and loves you may have a commitment to someone else. And you will ache. You will look at yourself and your life and realize that this life you are living looks nothing like the life of your dreams.
If you are lucky, you will see your bitter places. Your pride. Your cowardice. If you stay awhile, you will acknowledge that the some decision you just made is in no way in support of the life you would like to have. You will all the ways you have blamed everyone and all the ways you have asked for so much that you never gave.
And you will grow up. Just a little bit. Instead of breaking down.
The medicine is not always sweet, but it will heal.
I look back on this past year. The year of survival. Well, at least I made it out of desperation. The loss of Dream Lover was quite a blow. Going from my dream life to having absolutely nothing and starting from scratch alone was pretty hard. It broke my heart. He broke my heart. I’ve never said that out loud. The loss of Dream Lover broke my heart, or so I thought.
But as I sat at the park this weekend all alone, I realized something. My heart was not broken. It had scabbed up, like any other injury. There was all this calloused stuff all around it, but that wasn’t my heart. I mean, it was, at one point, but now it was just a dead shell. I had been holding on to it, thinking it was me. And this weekend, I let it go. I just let it fall off.
All this disappointment. All this heavyness. I just let it fall off my heart. Really I didn’t do it intentionally. I just didn’t want to carry it anymore. I wanted my life back. I wanted my love back. And God whispered in words of the soul, let go of all that is not you.
And I did.
And my heart lives. Underneath all of that, my heart beats strong. And I see now that life goes on if you let it.
I wish I could put into words this feeling that I have right now. I wish I could make you understand. You will not believe me until I tell you I’m a millionaire and post a pic of my husband and kids and bestselling whatever. You will not believe me until I’m on some talk show or giving some speech somewhere, but I’m telling you what I know now, and I think that’s the trick.
You have to know it first. Oh, God and life will help you out tenfold, but you have to at least be willing to know that life goes on. You have to be willing to let go of your misery and not be so caught up in trying to prove whoever right or wrong. All you have to do is be willing to grow just a little, to live just a little, to forgive just a little, to love just a little, to open just a little, to let go just a little, to try just a little. And no matter what happens, because everything will happen, be willing to see your dream come true anyway.
The devil is a thief and a liar. This world will have you believing that you have to change everything and everyone but yourself in order for your life to change, but it’s not true. You’re gonna have to do some growing, baby. Stop running already. Stop blaming. Stop sticking to everything that never challenges you. I dare you to Love again. I dare you to Dream again. I dare you to think about this thing we call Life and then do something about yours. I dare you to let somebody Love you. I dare you to see a human being for all of their goodness even if they have hurt you. I dare you to set a heart-felt, inspired intention and then follow it all the way through to fruition even if someone discourages you along the way. I dare you to get over yourself and realize that everything you do and don’t do affects everyone you interact with. I dare you to realize that life is bigger than your thoughts about it. I dare you to grow, just a little.
Please, let’s grow. Just a little. We’ll thank ourselves later…
Day 321
Grow Up (Just A Little)
Hi there.
It’s Saturday morning. My favorite time of the week. Somehow I always manage to wake up feeling buzzed on Saturday mornings. I like to linger in it, listen to the birds in the trees… Soak up the feeling of just being at peace. On Saturday mornings, all of life’s dramas take a vacation. Problems just aren’t in my mind.
I Love everyone on Saturday mornings and in my mind, all problems have a happy ending. There is no to-do list. Everybody loves me and we are one.
And then I wake up.
Somebody calls. My brother starts talking in the other room. I come back to the world and realize that all unfinished business is right where I left it: unfinished. I try to avoid talking to people as long as possible, but eventually the Saturday morning bliss fades away. Evaporates. I want to hold onto some of it and take it into my day with me, but it is like clouds and cotton candy. You can’t even remember what it looks like.
The forehead frowns again. The mind turns on. You plug into the world of problems and solutions. What shall I do about the bills? This person needs money. That person is fighting. There is the room to clean. Debts to pay. Talks to have. Oh, I’m supposed to go here and there today and get this and that. Send this email. Make this phone call. Write that letter. I’m going to a party today and it’s supposed to be fun, but I’d rather sit in my room and try to recapture the bliss I had upon waking. I’d rather read a book about spirituality and kiss an open mouth. I’d rather be in Love with anything.
I went to my neighbor’s house the other day. I don’t know if I already wrote about it, but it was so Lovely. It was such an easy time. There were no problems between us. No discordant energy. He was so peaceful and his house was a vortex of peace. I know that he has done a lot of work to get to that place. He has done a lot of cleaning up. He’s pretty gosh darn beautiful, and I’m not talking about in the physical sense. Being around someone with a clean conscience is quite a beautiful thing. His conscience is clean. Like someone who has taken baths in crystal water for the past seven years.
That is where I’m headed. I know. For now, though, I am washing. I have been cleaning up for sometime and the hard grit is finally loosening. I had plaque on my teeth once. It was disgusting because I’m a white-toothed woman. But once upon a time, I lived in an area with really bad water for about a year, and when I left, I realized I had plaque on my teeth. Well, I brushed my teeth every day, but the plaque wasn’t leaving. Then I got a super toothbrush and noticed that my teeth would get a little cleaner. Then I got this little device designed to get the plaque off. It took about two months. I would pick at it and pick at it every day, but the plaque wouldn’t move. Then one day it did. It just came off in one big chunk and my teeth were clean.
That’s where I’m at in my life right now. I’ve been picking and picking at all the muddy stuff for some time. Things have been moving, but they haven’t completely fallen off. Now I’m at the last phase. The huge amounts of emotional density that I have been carrying around for quite some time is about to fall off. And my life is about to be like Saturday mornings. Like my neighbor’s house.
I have carried confusion, heartbreak and chaos around for so long… My forehead has been frowned for so long that a wrinkle is actually forming. And I learned how to be peaceful in my room-cage. But this part of my life has been about learning how to be peaceful amongst men. Out in the world. Doing stuff. Answering the phone. Not running from conflict yet still having peace of mind. I am ready to bid adieu to my long-time pain companions. Adieu, Loves. We have gotten used to each other, but I can’t take you to the other side with me. You would melt in the light…
Do you see how much bravery it takes to be peaceful and happy? I won’t miss you, sad Laydie, but I’m grateful for you. I’m really grateful for you. You have taught me so much compassion. You have opened my heart and taught me about sharing and connecting with people. You have taught me to look outside of myself and see others and be there for others. And you have also taught me to look inside myself and see myself and allow others to be there for me. Mostly, all of this pain, all of this heartache, all of these disappointments have taught me about Love. Not the romantic stuff. The real stuff. The kind of stuff that doesn’t fade in spite of what people do and in spite of what you do to yourself.
The kind of Love that always sees Saturday morning. It is the only thing that keeps this world going. Like Bob Marley said, people are going to hurt you. People are going to disappoint you. What are you going to do about it? What are you going to do about the rest of your life? Peace, Love, Forgiveness and a Clear Conscience are always options. They’re usually not easy, but for me, when I look at the alternative: depression, conflict, my hair falling out, a sense of disconnection, crying all the time, frowned forehead, chaos, constant drama, unfulfilling relationships, unfulfilling life’s work, etc, cultivating a vortex of peace, love, and forgiveness within myself is well worth the effort.
… It’s 11:55 and Saturday morning is fading away. Over the sound of the birds, I hear a loud car on the street. My brother is waiting for us to have our talk, I have to buy a thank you gift for someone, there’s a fantastic party this evening I need to find a fantastic outfit to wear to it… I think to my neighbor J. Peace and transparency, he said. I put on my big girl pants. Saturday morning, I’m taking you with me today.
Day 320
Saturday Morning (Peace and Transparency)
Emotions all over the place. I know, what an entry.
Emotions all over the place. Just deleted an entry and starting again. This is an attempt at centering. Feel like I’m being pulled in all kinds of directions. I’m sensitive. I mean, really sensitive. Don’t get weirded out, but sometimes I can feel when people are thinking of me. I’ll call them or text them and they’ll say “Hey. I was just thinking of you.” I can’t tell them, “I know. I felt it,” because then they’ll think I’m super weird, but I know. I felt it.
So tonight I feel a lot of pulling. I’m in the thoughts of a lot of people. And I have my own thoughts and my own unfinished business. So I’m feeling a little un-centered.
And so, dear blog, dear Universe, dear God, dear Everything, this is my attempt at centering. There is a tug of war for my attention and I’m losing right now, but I don’t even want to fight. There must be a way not to fight, God. I know that not fighting is the answer, but how do you not fight and not get swept away into someone else’s agenda? There are men. Exes. They hate me. I probably said something. Did something. I generally don’t do too much. I don’t steal, lie or cheat. I try not to use guys. But I say stuff. I say a lot of stuff. And I leave people who thought I would stay. People who never get left. Or people who always get left. These men are mad at me for not getting with the program, and I do declare, perhaps they are waging an energetic war on me.
I’ve noticed that some people get really mad when you don’t get with the script they’ve written for you, even if you never agreed to play the role.
I’m afraid to go to the other room and tell my brother the things he needs to hear. I’m afraid to deal with my sister and all the issues she’s going through. I’m afraid to talk to my mother (who happens to be calling me right now) and deal with whatever agenda she has now. I’m afraid to completely cut all the ties that bind with all these horrible exes who’s pull I can feel on me nonstop. I am afraid to move forward. I am afraid to sit still. I am afraid of the script meetings that I have this week. I am afraid of the email for an awesome job that I got earlier today. I am afraid of the applications for amazing opportunities that are due soon. I am afraid of my super-kind neighbor whose house is a vortex of peace. I am afraid of all of the attention that I am actually getting from nice guys these days. Sane ones that want to take care of women… Where they do that at? Guys that want to actually get married. Like, for real. They are courting, yes, courting women! Being kind. Listening. Being transparent about who they are. Offering gifts.
And they like me. Me. They think I’m awesome.
And they’re not trying to boss me around. They’re not asking me to turn flips and dance so they can see if I qualify to be in their presence. They think it’s pretty cool that there are things I want to do in the world and they say, “Hey. Let’s stay up late and drink tea while we work on our projects.”
My sis just sent me a text offering to help clean up my apartment this weekend. Just now. I kid you not. Life is changing… And I’m pretty freaking horrified, God.
Things are working out, even in spite of my crazy thoughts and emotions. Even though my exes hate my guts and I don’t do anything my mom says and I told my brother off, things are working out.
But I don’t quite know the formula. Like I don’t know why things are working out even though I’m an emotional wreck. I don’t know why I’m so afraid of everything changing and yet everything is still changing. I don’t know how it is possible that I haven’t effed everything up yet and why my producer believes in me so much. I don’t know what magic wand hit my brother’s head and made him say sorry to me the other day.
All I can say is that there must be a God. There must be something more than me. There must be something bigger than my thoughts and emotions. Because I’m still here. I’m still here. We’re still here. In spite of all of our efforts to sabotage everything. We are still here. People are still forgiving us and helping us and Loving us and saying sorry. Opportunities are still coming our way.
And even though the past torments and tempts and hates, the present and the future still beckon; still keep us warm.
I’m really sorry about all the hearts I’ve broken. I wish I could fix them all. Just push delete and make all of the pain go away. I know I’ve hurt a lot of people. I wish I could make it better and give everyone (including myself) someone awesome to Love and stick with.
And I’m sorry for all of the people who have broken my heart. I’m apologizing for them on my behalf, God. Sorry, Laydie, from all the assholes. Sorry, OK? They didn’t know any better. Some still don’t. Just pray for them. Nothing else helps. You clear the air. You break the negative ties that bind by clearing the air. We are grown ups now, and it’s OK if they never say sorry. One day, years later, maybe in another life or in a dream, they will do like your brother and say sorry when you least expect it. Or maybe they won’t. But you don’t have to wait for them to free yourself. And you don’t have to wait for them to forgive you to stop being heavy laden with guilt.
Look around you. Your life has changed drastically since you started on this journey. Look in your heart and see how much has been lifted. Look at the people around you. You had no idea there was a kind, sane man living across the street from you all these years! And everything is OK. You didn’t go plumb nuts after all. You didn’t starve to death. You didn’t forget your smile… How would you know that fears are only fears had you never faced yours?
Allah, I am in such gratitude. The worst is over. And I don’t mean the worst is over. I know I don’t know what tomorrow may bring and all manner of things may happen. But what I mean is that in my mind, in my heart, in my Spirit, the worst is over because I understand that it doesn’t matter what happens. I understand what it means when they say, “lean not upon your own understanding.” It means that life exists beyond your own understanding. Imagine what life would be like if the only things that were real were the things we understood.
Lean upon the knowledge that life exists beyond your own understanding and then you leave room to see things beyond your present paradigm.
I’m not afraid now. Well, the fear is still there, but it can go. It has my permission to go. Just leave at your own pace, fear. I’m not gonna hold you anymore. And I’m not gonna suppress you and try to act like you don’t exist. I’m not even gonna try and psychoanalyze you. You are here and you may go now. Life exists beyond you. Hope exists in spite of you. And good things happen even in the midst of you.
So this evening I’d like to go beyond my own understanding. I’m going to talk to my brother. All I can do is start with Love. I’m going to send one… at least one of these letters out that I’ve been procrastinating on. I feel vitalized, Allah. I feel encouraged. And I feel grateful. You have centered me in spite of myself. Thank you for this blog. Thank you for this tool to get back to You. Thank you so much. Ameen.
Day 319
Beyond Our Understanding
Yesterday the homeless guy by my job gave me a beautiful glass candleholder. It’s round and the glass is thick and it has imprints of little fish and the sea. I washed it and shined it up when I got to work and I put it on my shelf at work. It matches my one other decoration. Several of my coworkers commented on how beautiful it was. The homeless guy down the street gave it to me, and somehow that makes it a little more special…
Good morning, World. It’s Saturday. Something about Saturdays is so sweet. Being able to do exactly what I want to do with my day is wonderful. And I usually wake up feeling so cleansed and healed on Saturday mornings.
I told my brother that I was offended by something he did to me and he actually apologized. I thought we were going to have a big fat fight, but he actually apologized. I don’t think I ever remember my brother saying sorry for anything before. So life is changing. Wow. Our time together will be ending soon, but it’s going to end in peace at last.
Peace at last, God. Thank you. My sister has this theory about happily ever afters. She says that stories don’t really end with happily ever after, but the relationships keep going until you get them to a place where they are happy ever after. Meaning, I may break up with someone and have a big ol’ fight or someone may disappear or do something harmful to me or vice versa, but if I loved that person, I can say I hate them and cut them out of my life, but I will never be happy until there peace and love is restored with us. And for me, that means I have said everything I wanted to say, done everything I wanted to do, and I have forgiven and said sorry for everything. Love is restored. And we are finally happy ever after.
Perhaps this is the meaning of life. Perhaps this is what Heaven and Hell and reincarnation mean. We keep going through it, bumping our heads, falling down, until we figure out that the only common denominator in our entire lives is us. We are the only ones that have always been there recreating our same old dramas with different actors, who are also recreating their same old dramas. And we keep at it. From relationship to relationship, city to city, country to country, job to job, situation to situation, we do the same things, just at different levels. And of course we start off blaming everyone but ourselves. Our parents. The situation we were born into. Some man or woman. The horrible world. The place we live. The way society is set up. The rain. Anything but ourselves.
But the moment you start taking responsibility for your life is the moment you wake up and get to have your happily ever after. It can be a long, arduous process, but I’m getting there, so I can speak of it. You realize that you have always been the girl fighting men, since your best friend brother abandoned you at the time you needed him most when you were 11. You realize that kings and priests have been courting you your entire life and you have always been running, dumping, playing and setting yourself up for failure once you become vulnerable. You realize that you are lucky beyond lucky. People give you gifts when you walk down the street just for nothing, and you have been the one putting conditions on grace and only seeking companionship with closed fists because you don’t believe that you’re worthy of love if you can’t save someone.
The moment you take responsibility for your life, you realize that your happiness and your peace of mind is your responsibility. And you stop trying to change other people and start changing yourself. You follow through. This is something new to me, but it’s powerful. You follow through. You don’t let your angry brother’s words stop you from being kind to him. Yesterday I started a sincere text conversation with my bro telling him how I felt about certain things. I told him I was upset with him. His first response was to tell me about my behavior and all the bad things I had done. I hadn’t done any of the things he was accusing me of, and in the past, this would have initiated a war of words where I then attack him and we argue about who’s behavior was better than the other and then eventually come to a point where we just shut each other out and say really mean things to each other.
But I started the text out with a peaceful intention. And when I received his angry message, I stopped. For once, I stopped. I didn’t go with the first reaction, which was to destroy and show him! I stopped. I breathed. And I remembered why I had sent out that text. That text was my attempt at peace and honesty and I wasn’t about to change it up because of him. Because in truth, all I wanted was peace and honesty. And the world works like that. Either my will would be done, or my will would be done.
Our problem is, we are not clear about what our will is, and we allow one small interference from the outside to change it up. So my will with brother started out with peace, but I was gonna allow his one statement to change my will and my intention would have been domination and victory. That is not what I wanted from the start, but had I not stopped and reflected that would have been what I wanted by the end…. And then I would have had to try this happily ever after thing again some years later with my bro. Because I will never be satisfied with war between us. We must have our happily ever after…
As Rasha writes in her book Oneness, “a vibrational foundation built on sincere sentiments of well-being for the other party” is the root of peace and harmony.
I’m ready, God. Past relationships are resurfacing and bringing themselves up for review. I am getting so many opportunities for my happily ever afters. I’m glad. I can finally be free of all the heaviness inside of me. I can finally be free…
Day 318
Our Happily Ever Afters
