Hey.
It’s a tough day. I called in to work and will go in after lunch. I only have four hours left of hooky time or I’d call in all day.
My ex, one of the three who I didn’t know what to do about, emailed me yesterday. I kid you not. Haven’t been in touch with him in months. He emailed yesterday, as I was wondering what to do about him. Asked me to be his mistress. I kid you not.
-_-
I went over my beautiful neighbor’s house last night. He’s lovely. I accidentally saw a pic of the woman he’s courting. He and I are the same race. She isn’t. His ex prior to her wasn’t our race either. I asked him if he doesn’t like girls his race. He got uncomfortable. Should have kept my mouth shut. For the past ten years he has been going overseas and getting in long distance relationships with girls that don’t look like him. Obviously, local girls his race are not his thing…
Sigh…
As deeply depressed as I can be, I spoke with a family member yesterday and realized that I am usually the happiest person in my family.
My job tried to use me as a scapegoat and now they are highly upset and angry to discover that I have a brain and won’t be used as a doormat. I filed a grievance against them, and that’s not so bad. What’s disturbing is my union rep called me yesterday and told me I’d have to potentially be available at the job all summer long. I was planning on quitting next month, taking a summer vacation, and starting a new job in the fall. This is a government job and I don’t want to leave it with an open disciplinary thing on my record… But I wanted to go on vacation.
And my vacation money? Well, I have to pay some outstanding fees to my alma mater immediately so I can get my official diploma if I want to get this new job I applied for. They need an official diploma before they make their decision…
My friends all have bigger problems than I do. They think I’m the happy one…
And so starts the darkness. There are no heroes, God. All my life I have hated being the hero. I was always the one people came to for stuff, as crazy as I am. I remember when my first love cheated on me, secretly married some girl (overseas of course) and made a baby with her. I asked him why he did it. He said he had to. She was weak and needed someone to take care of her, he said. I was strong, he said. I could handle the disappointment of losing the love of my life.
This strong shit has plagued me all my life. I am strong. I can handle being rejected and abandoned. I can deal with being flaked on. I can be alone. I know how to make it in a big city on my own. I don’t need a man or kind words. I can win wars with my apartment or my job. Heck, I can get a new job pronto if anything happens because I am strong and smart. There is no pity for me because I am not pitiful. There are no arms to run to…
God, must I be broken to be Loved? I tried that out, too, and it only works if I stay broken. But I don’t want to be broken. And I don’t want to be weak or strong. I just want to be me. Weak and strong. Just me. All of me. And I want life to be good finally. Is that too much to ask for?
Is this good life only in my head? Because I don’t see it anywhere else. I don’t see girls who look like me being Loved for real. I don’t see people living the life of their dreams and doing their life’s work for real. I see crazy eyes everywhere I look. And disturbance. I see people barely holding it together by the hair of their chinny chin chins. I see lies everywhere. Unspoken resentments and depression run amuck. And every now and then when I find a king or a priest who I can look up to, they just don’t want me.
So I quit, God. Here I am. Sitting in the darkness. With an attitude. I quit. I’m mad at You. Why don’t You save me? Why don’t You be my hero? I am drowning in the darkness. I am tired of swimming. I see myself in an ocean of black oil. Heavy. You have no words for me except, “Do you want to die?”
…
No.
…
So I sit in the black oil ocean. It is like that in the darkness. It is not drowning. It is just dirty stagnation. Just sitting in an ocean of black oil. Looking at an ocean of black oil. Others float amongst you. An entire ocean full of dirty souls. Some close their eyes and just go under. Others try to swim, but I can not watch them flailing, knowing the oil is too thick and they will go nowhere. The darkness exists.
What to do about it, God? I am sitting in it and I do not want to die.
Then say you want to live, You tell me. But I can’t say it, because it’s not true. And in the darkness, you have to tell the truth. But that is the only way out, isn’t it? In the darkness, it is not enough to just say you don’t want to die.
You have to want to live. You have to be able to say it in truth. But I can’t say it in truth today. All I can say is I don’t want to die. I don’t even know if this alive stuff is real. It only comes to me in dreams and short moments of life. I am scared to believe in it again. At least I know the darkness is real. I have never sustained the light. How can I believe in it?
Sit with Me in the darkness, You say. No need to make it more or less than what it is. The darkness eats at your skin, so We can not tarry too long. But for now, let us sit in Truth. Let us not fool ourselves. We don’t want to die, but we can not yet say that we believe in life. We can not say that We want to live. We still think that the whole world only consists of our experience of it.
-Do you see the way out, Laydie?
Recognizing that life consists of more than my experience of it. Being honest with myself about what I really believe. Making proactive choices. Saying I want to live.
-Yes. Yes!
But I can’t say I want to live yet.
-Then say something.
I am here, God. I am here. I want to live but I don’t know how. Help me.
– Yes. Yes. And so it is.
And so it is…
Day 323
In the Darkness (Do You Want To Live?)
Good morning world. Today is a good day.
It’s actually 5:00pm, but I stayed up all night and didn’t go to sleep until 8:00am. I woke up around noon and have been meddling around the house, and now I’m starting my day.
And, oh, what a day it is! Last night I went to go pay a debt. A musician had performed pro bono at an event I put on a while ago, and I told her I was going to give her a token of appreciation for her performance. Our schedules kept clashing, so I last night she asked me to meet her and her family at a recording studio. I came and gave her the gift and they told me she was going to be performing on an internet show that night. They invited me to stay. In the past, I would have said no because I don’t know them like that. I would have felt like I was intruding or like they were just trying to be nice to me.
But, as I was sitting in the green room, I thought about it. They had just made me in invitation. They were inviting me to get to know them like that and be a part of their world. And so I stayed. At the end of the show, the host invited us to “cease the moment.” It had been quite a moment to cease. The musicians on the show were fabulous. Some of the people there had come to the event I threw a while ago and they asked when I was going to throw another one. The people were alive and creative and oh, the family of the musician I had met were just so wonderful. Full of goodness and honesty. I had thought the woman was mean before, but I saw such a loving, gentle side of her. She was awesome.
I exchanged info. Made new friends. Sometimes I can be good and not shy in public and last night was one of those nights. I didn’t feel less than anyone. I didn’t feel more than anyone. I just felt comfortable in my own skin and I was able to share just like I wanted and have people share with me.
And I am invigorated this morning. And grateful. After the event, I went and visited a friend around 1:00 in the morning. We sat in my car and talked and talked until the sun came up. We talked about relationships and how, even though you may end a relationship with someone, it’s not really over until it’s over. For me, I can feel the connection. You still feel attached to certain people even if you haven’t talked to them in years. You still feel like there is some kind of unfinished business. Like a hug you didn’t give that you should have. Or an apology. It’s not about them. Sometimes you still feel like they owe you an apology, but it’s not about them. It’s you holding on to unforgiveness. Their wronging of you is their own unfinished business.
I made a mental list of all the attachments, particularly men, that I was holding onto. Anyone who thought incited some feeling of pain, frustration, longing, or hope. Surprisingly, some of the people that I had had really deep connections with were no longer on the list. I was happy to know that I have let go of some of my past. But there is still some unfinished business.
But I wasn’t scared to look at it. It wasn’t daunting. I was glad to see it. As I was sitting on the car, one of the people who was on my list, a guy who I will call Mr. President, had emailed me. Mr. President is a man I almost married. I never talk about him. I have been proposed to several times, but he is the only man who would have actually married me the next day with no questions asked had I said yes. He went out of his way to meet my parents and ask for my hand. He pursued me. Maybe one day I will tell you the story, because it’s pretty romantic. He used to call me and ask, “how are my babies?” speaking about the unborn children in my womb. He was a caretaker and I ran far, far away from him. I never said no when he asked me to marry him. I just didn’t say anything at all. So he left. Had babies with someone else. Not sure if he ever married her. Not sure if he’s still with her today.
But he wrote me last night. “I missed you a lot today,” he simply wrote.
And I looked at my list of unfinished business. The one I had just conjured up. His name has the most energy around it. Because I don’t really know what to do about it. Most of the other names just need a goodbye letter, an I’m sorry, an explanation. I need to give one guy a hug if he’ll let me. I need to tell some people thank you… I have been proposed to five times in my life. Mr. President is one of them and there are two others who are on the list of unfinished business. They have big stars by their names, red pulses, because if I saw them today and they asked me to marry them again, which they would because none of them are happily with anyone, I don’t know what I would say.
And why is any of this relevant? Because it’s summer time and I’m ready to fall in Love again. And these people linger in the recesses of my mind. They get in the way when I meet someone new, because I have these thoughts. “What if such and such comes back? I know they’re gonna come back. What would I do? Who would I pick if they were all three standing in front of me? Should I just close all those doors completely and open all the way up to something new? What about the other people who linger in my mind who don’t have big stars by their names? The ones who I never gave a chance? Should I see what’s up with them?” Because I am actually ready and wanting to have a life partner now. Yes, I said that out loud and I didn’t throw up or have an anxiety attack.
I am so ready for the alive, all the way stuff now. Last night at the studio, I felt like I was among my peers and they looked at me and talked to me like I was one of them. They offered help with my projects and they wanted to be a part of my circle just as much as I wanted to be a part of theirs.
I’m ready to be with my partner now, my Life partner. I am ready to do my life’s work. It’s kind of funny. At my job, management is trying to use me as a scapegoat for some unwarranted investigation they did on a coworker of mine. Everyone is worried about me and thinks I’m under stress because I now have to defend myself and do this whole political dance, but I’m not under stress at all. I’m glad. I see it as a wonderful sign that it’s time to do my life’s work. I see it as an opportunity to bring just a little truth to a corrupted system and help set a standard so that management thinks twice before they try to mess with the next person.
But Allah, I’m ready now. And I can say that without fear so I know I’m really ready. I actually feel worthy of a good life, finally. I’m actually able to resolve conflicts now without running and I’m actually able to face my fears. I can stick to things now and commit to things and I know the difference between being clear about a decision and not being clear. I’m growing up now. I can truly forgive and allow people to show me kindness. I can flip a situation when it’s going sour or walk away. I can get off the bed and I can be humble even when I know another person has wronged me and won’t ever say sorry. I can still follow through with what You’ve put in my heart in those instances.
And following through with my heart helps me to sleep in peace at night.
I don’t know what to do about some of the people on my unfinished business list, but I know You will guide me. More information is needed. In the meantime, Allah, I keep my heart open and open it even more. I do the things that I know to do. I write the letters that I know to write and pay the debts that I know to pay. I reach out in the ways you Guide me, and I sit still when I do not hear Your voice. We are doing alive stuff now. We are doing grown-up stuff now. We are doing happy stuff now. We are even doing exciting stuff now. Now. At last. Finally. We are Living our Lives.
Day 322
Unfinished Business (The Alive Part)
Let’s try again. This is a blog rewrite. Sometimes I have to get all the confusion and pain out first before I have something I can give to the world.
Today I want to talk about Love and Aloneness. I experienced aloneness this weekend. On purpose. I decided to do an experiment and face my greatest fear: this alone thing. It was horrible but I survived.
I learned that there is a difference between spending time with people out of a need to fill a space and spending time with people just because you like their company. I let my lonely heart break at last and found that this lonely thing was not my heart at all, but a shell covering up so much truth.
My heart is not lonely at all.
I want to tell you something. This transformation stuff is not easy. In fact, it’s downright hard at times. You cry and your heart breaks and your body does all kinds of crazy things that you don’t understand and sometimes your head hurts or your energy is gone. And long periods may pass where you don’t see any progress, or even where it may seem like things are going backwards.
People who you thought would be on your journey may not join you. In fact they may even talk about you or betray you or just do something downright mean on purpose. You may be rejected over and over again.
And one day you may find yourself sitting at a park alone, like I was this weekend. Without a man to have a crush on. Without a hand to hold. The one person who understands and loves you may have a commitment to someone else. And you will ache. You will look at yourself and your life and realize that this life you are living looks nothing like the life of your dreams.
If you are lucky, you will see your bitter places. Your pride. Your cowardice. If you stay awhile, you will acknowledge that the some decision you just made is in no way in support of the life you would like to have. You will all the ways you have blamed everyone and all the ways you have asked for so much that you never gave.
And you will grow up. Just a little bit. Instead of breaking down.
The medicine is not always sweet, but it will heal.
I look back on this past year. The year of survival. Well, at least I made it out of desperation. The loss of Dream Lover was quite a blow. Going from my dream life to having absolutely nothing and starting from scratch alone was pretty hard. It broke my heart. He broke my heart. I’ve never said that out loud. The loss of Dream Lover broke my heart, or so I thought.
But as I sat at the park this weekend all alone, I realized something. My heart was not broken. It had scabbed up, like any other injury. There was all this calloused stuff all around it, but that wasn’t my heart. I mean, it was, at one point, but now it was just a dead shell. I had been holding on to it, thinking it was me. And this weekend, I let it go. I just let it fall off.
All this disappointment. All this heavyness. I just let it fall off my heart. Really I didn’t do it intentionally. I just didn’t want to carry it anymore. I wanted my life back. I wanted my love back. And God whispered in words of the soul, let go of all that is not you.
And I did.
And my heart lives. Underneath all of that, my heart beats strong. And I see now that life goes on if you let it.
I wish I could put into words this feeling that I have right now. I wish I could make you understand. You will not believe me until I tell you I’m a millionaire and post a pic of my husband and kids and bestselling whatever. You will not believe me until I’m on some talk show or giving some speech somewhere, but I’m telling you what I know now, and I think that’s the trick.
You have to know it first. Oh, God and life will help you out tenfold, but you have to at least be willing to know that life goes on. You have to be willing to let go of your misery and not be so caught up in trying to prove whoever right or wrong. All you have to do is be willing to grow just a little, to live just a little, to forgive just a little, to love just a little, to open just a little, to let go just a little, to try just a little. And no matter what happens, because everything will happen, be willing to see your dream come true anyway.
The devil is a thief and a liar. This world will have you believing that you have to change everything and everyone but yourself in order for your life to change, but it’s not true. You’re gonna have to do some growing, baby. Stop running already. Stop blaming. Stop sticking to everything that never challenges you. I dare you to Love again. I dare you to Dream again. I dare you to think about this thing we call Life and then do something about yours. I dare you to let somebody Love you. I dare you to see a human being for all of their goodness even if they have hurt you. I dare you to set a heart-felt, inspired intention and then follow it all the way through to fruition even if someone discourages you along the way. I dare you to get over yourself and realize that everything you do and don’t do affects everyone you interact with. I dare you to realize that life is bigger than your thoughts about it. I dare you to grow, just a little.
Please, let’s grow. Just a little. We’ll thank ourselves later…
Day 321
Grow Up (Just A Little)
Hi there.
It’s Saturday morning. My favorite time of the week. Somehow I always manage to wake up feeling buzzed on Saturday mornings. I like to linger in it, listen to the birds in the trees… Soak up the feeling of just being at peace. On Saturday mornings, all of life’s dramas take a vacation. Problems just aren’t in my mind.
I Love everyone on Saturday mornings and in my mind, all problems have a happy ending. There is no to-do list. Everybody loves me and we are one.
And then I wake up.
Somebody calls. My brother starts talking in the other room. I come back to the world and realize that all unfinished business is right where I left it: unfinished. I try to avoid talking to people as long as possible, but eventually the Saturday morning bliss fades away. Evaporates. I want to hold onto some of it and take it into my day with me, but it is like clouds and cotton candy. You can’t even remember what it looks like.
The forehead frowns again. The mind turns on. You plug into the world of problems and solutions. What shall I do about the bills? This person needs money. That person is fighting. There is the room to clean. Debts to pay. Talks to have. Oh, I’m supposed to go here and there today and get this and that. Send this email. Make this phone call. Write that letter. I’m going to a party today and it’s supposed to be fun, but I’d rather sit in my room and try to recapture the bliss I had upon waking. I’d rather read a book about spirituality and kiss an open mouth. I’d rather be in Love with anything.
I went to my neighbor’s house the other day. I don’t know if I already wrote about it, but it was so Lovely. It was such an easy time. There were no problems between us. No discordant energy. He was so peaceful and his house was a vortex of peace. I know that he has done a lot of work to get to that place. He has done a lot of cleaning up. He’s pretty gosh darn beautiful, and I’m not talking about in the physical sense. Being around someone with a clean conscience is quite a beautiful thing. His conscience is clean. Like someone who has taken baths in crystal water for the past seven years.
That is where I’m headed. I know. For now, though, I am washing. I have been cleaning up for sometime and the hard grit is finally loosening. I had plaque on my teeth once. It was disgusting because I’m a white-toothed woman. But once upon a time, I lived in an area with really bad water for about a year, and when I left, I realized I had plaque on my teeth. Well, I brushed my teeth every day, but the plaque wasn’t leaving. Then I got a super toothbrush and noticed that my teeth would get a little cleaner. Then I got this little device designed to get the plaque off. It took about two months. I would pick at it and pick at it every day, but the plaque wouldn’t move. Then one day it did. It just came off in one big chunk and my teeth were clean.
That’s where I’m at in my life right now. I’ve been picking and picking at all the muddy stuff for some time. Things have been moving, but they haven’t completely fallen off. Now I’m at the last phase. The huge amounts of emotional density that I have been carrying around for quite some time is about to fall off. And my life is about to be like Saturday mornings. Like my neighbor’s house.
I have carried confusion, heartbreak and chaos around for so long… My forehead has been frowned for so long that a wrinkle is actually forming. And I learned how to be peaceful in my room-cage. But this part of my life has been about learning how to be peaceful amongst men. Out in the world. Doing stuff. Answering the phone. Not running from conflict yet still having peace of mind. I am ready to bid adieu to my long-time pain companions. Adieu, Loves. We have gotten used to each other, but I can’t take you to the other side with me. You would melt in the light…
Do you see how much bravery it takes to be peaceful and happy? I won’t miss you, sad Laydie, but I’m grateful for you. I’m really grateful for you. You have taught me so much compassion. You have opened my heart and taught me about sharing and connecting with people. You have taught me to look outside of myself and see others and be there for others. And you have also taught me to look inside myself and see myself and allow others to be there for me. Mostly, all of this pain, all of this heartache, all of these disappointments have taught me about Love. Not the romantic stuff. The real stuff. The kind of stuff that doesn’t fade in spite of what people do and in spite of what you do to yourself.
The kind of Love that always sees Saturday morning. It is the only thing that keeps this world going. Like Bob Marley said, people are going to hurt you. People are going to disappoint you. What are you going to do about it? What are you going to do about the rest of your life? Peace, Love, Forgiveness and a Clear Conscience are always options. They’re usually not easy, but for me, when I look at the alternative: depression, conflict, my hair falling out, a sense of disconnection, crying all the time, frowned forehead, chaos, constant drama, unfulfilling relationships, unfulfilling life’s work, etc, cultivating a vortex of peace, love, and forgiveness within myself is well worth the effort.
… It’s 11:55 and Saturday morning is fading away. Over the sound of the birds, I hear a loud car on the street. My brother is waiting for us to have our talk, I have to buy a thank you gift for someone, there’s a fantastic party this evening I need to find a fantastic outfit to wear to it… I think to my neighbor J. Peace and transparency, he said. I put on my big girl pants. Saturday morning, I’m taking you with me today.
Day 320
Saturday Morning (Peace and Transparency)
Emotions all over the place. I know, what an entry.
Emotions all over the place. Just deleted an entry and starting again. This is an attempt at centering. Feel like I’m being pulled in all kinds of directions. I’m sensitive. I mean, really sensitive. Don’t get weirded out, but sometimes I can feel when people are thinking of me. I’ll call them or text them and they’ll say “Hey. I was just thinking of you.” I can’t tell them, “I know. I felt it,” because then they’ll think I’m super weird, but I know. I felt it.
So tonight I feel a lot of pulling. I’m in the thoughts of a lot of people. And I have my own thoughts and my own unfinished business. So I’m feeling a little un-centered.
And so, dear blog, dear Universe, dear God, dear Everything, this is my attempt at centering. There is a tug of war for my attention and I’m losing right now, but I don’t even want to fight. There must be a way not to fight, God. I know that not fighting is the answer, but how do you not fight and not get swept away into someone else’s agenda? There are men. Exes. They hate me. I probably said something. Did something. I generally don’t do too much. I don’t steal, lie or cheat. I try not to use guys. But I say stuff. I say a lot of stuff. And I leave people who thought I would stay. People who never get left. Or people who always get left. These men are mad at me for not getting with the program, and I do declare, perhaps they are waging an energetic war on me.
I’ve noticed that some people get really mad when you don’t get with the script they’ve written for you, even if you never agreed to play the role.
I’m afraid to go to the other room and tell my brother the things he needs to hear. I’m afraid to deal with my sister and all the issues she’s going through. I’m afraid to talk to my mother (who happens to be calling me right now) and deal with whatever agenda she has now. I’m afraid to completely cut all the ties that bind with all these horrible exes who’s pull I can feel on me nonstop. I am afraid to move forward. I am afraid to sit still. I am afraid of the script meetings that I have this week. I am afraid of the email for an awesome job that I got earlier today. I am afraid of the applications for amazing opportunities that are due soon. I am afraid of my super-kind neighbor whose house is a vortex of peace. I am afraid of all of the attention that I am actually getting from nice guys these days. Sane ones that want to take care of women… Where they do that at? Guys that want to actually get married. Like, for real. They are courting, yes, courting women! Being kind. Listening. Being transparent about who they are. Offering gifts.
And they like me. Me. They think I’m awesome.
And they’re not trying to boss me around. They’re not asking me to turn flips and dance so they can see if I qualify to be in their presence. They think it’s pretty cool that there are things I want to do in the world and they say, “Hey. Let’s stay up late and drink tea while we work on our projects.”
My sis just sent me a text offering to help clean up my apartment this weekend. Just now. I kid you not. Life is changing… And I’m pretty freaking horrified, God.
Things are working out, even in spite of my crazy thoughts and emotions. Even though my exes hate my guts and I don’t do anything my mom says and I told my brother off, things are working out.
But I don’t quite know the formula. Like I don’t know why things are working out even though I’m an emotional wreck. I don’t know why I’m so afraid of everything changing and yet everything is still changing. I don’t know how it is possible that I haven’t effed everything up yet and why my producer believes in me so much. I don’t know what magic wand hit my brother’s head and made him say sorry to me the other day.
All I can say is that there must be a God. There must be something more than me. There must be something bigger than my thoughts and emotions. Because I’m still here. I’m still here. We’re still here. In spite of all of our efforts to sabotage everything. We are still here. People are still forgiving us and helping us and Loving us and saying sorry. Opportunities are still coming our way.
And even though the past torments and tempts and hates, the present and the future still beckon; still keep us warm.
I’m really sorry about all the hearts I’ve broken. I wish I could fix them all. Just push delete and make all of the pain go away. I know I’ve hurt a lot of people. I wish I could make it better and give everyone (including myself) someone awesome to Love and stick with.
And I’m sorry for all of the people who have broken my heart. I’m apologizing for them on my behalf, God. Sorry, Laydie, from all the assholes. Sorry, OK? They didn’t know any better. Some still don’t. Just pray for them. Nothing else helps. You clear the air. You break the negative ties that bind by clearing the air. We are grown ups now, and it’s OK if they never say sorry. One day, years later, maybe in another life or in a dream, they will do like your brother and say sorry when you least expect it. Or maybe they won’t. But you don’t have to wait for them to free yourself. And you don’t have to wait for them to forgive you to stop being heavy laden with guilt.
Look around you. Your life has changed drastically since you started on this journey. Look in your heart and see how much has been lifted. Look at the people around you. You had no idea there was a kind, sane man living across the street from you all these years! And everything is OK. You didn’t go plumb nuts after all. You didn’t starve to death. You didn’t forget your smile… How would you know that fears are only fears had you never faced yours?
Allah, I am in such gratitude. The worst is over. And I don’t mean the worst is over. I know I don’t know what tomorrow may bring and all manner of things may happen. But what I mean is that in my mind, in my heart, in my Spirit, the worst is over because I understand that it doesn’t matter what happens. I understand what it means when they say, “lean not upon your own understanding.” It means that life exists beyond your own understanding. Imagine what life would be like if the only things that were real were the things we understood.
Lean upon the knowledge that life exists beyond your own understanding and then you leave room to see things beyond your present paradigm.
I’m not afraid now. Well, the fear is still there, but it can go. It has my permission to go. Just leave at your own pace, fear. I’m not gonna hold you anymore. And I’m not gonna suppress you and try to act like you don’t exist. I’m not even gonna try and psychoanalyze you. You are here and you may go now. Life exists beyond you. Hope exists in spite of you. And good things happen even in the midst of you.
So this evening I’d like to go beyond my own understanding. I’m going to talk to my brother. All I can do is start with Love. I’m going to send one… at least one of these letters out that I’ve been procrastinating on. I feel vitalized, Allah. I feel encouraged. And I feel grateful. You have centered me in spite of myself. Thank you for this blog. Thank you for this tool to get back to You. Thank you so much. Ameen.
Day 319
Beyond Our Understanding
Yesterday the homeless guy by my job gave me a beautiful glass candleholder. It’s round and the glass is thick and it has imprints of little fish and the sea. I washed it and shined it up when I got to work and I put it on my shelf at work. It matches my one other decoration. Several of my coworkers commented on how beautiful it was. The homeless guy down the street gave it to me, and somehow that makes it a little more special…
Good morning, World. It’s Saturday. Something about Saturdays is so sweet. Being able to do exactly what I want to do with my day is wonderful. And I usually wake up feeling so cleansed and healed on Saturday mornings.
I told my brother that I was offended by something he did to me and he actually apologized. I thought we were going to have a big fat fight, but he actually apologized. I don’t think I ever remember my brother saying sorry for anything before. So life is changing. Wow. Our time together will be ending soon, but it’s going to end in peace at last.
Peace at last, God. Thank you. My sister has this theory about happily ever afters. She says that stories don’t really end with happily ever after, but the relationships keep going until you get them to a place where they are happy ever after. Meaning, I may break up with someone and have a big ol’ fight or someone may disappear or do something harmful to me or vice versa, but if I loved that person, I can say I hate them and cut them out of my life, but I will never be happy until there peace and love is restored with us. And for me, that means I have said everything I wanted to say, done everything I wanted to do, and I have forgiven and said sorry for everything. Love is restored. And we are finally happy ever after.
Perhaps this is the meaning of life. Perhaps this is what Heaven and Hell and reincarnation mean. We keep going through it, bumping our heads, falling down, until we figure out that the only common denominator in our entire lives is us. We are the only ones that have always been there recreating our same old dramas with different actors, who are also recreating their same old dramas. And we keep at it. From relationship to relationship, city to city, country to country, job to job, situation to situation, we do the same things, just at different levels. And of course we start off blaming everyone but ourselves. Our parents. The situation we were born into. Some man or woman. The horrible world. The place we live. The way society is set up. The rain. Anything but ourselves.
But the moment you start taking responsibility for your life is the moment you wake up and get to have your happily ever after. It can be a long, arduous process, but I’m getting there, so I can speak of it. You realize that you have always been the girl fighting men, since your best friend brother abandoned you at the time you needed him most when you were 11. You realize that kings and priests have been courting you your entire life and you have always been running, dumping, playing and setting yourself up for failure once you become vulnerable. You realize that you are lucky beyond lucky. People give you gifts when you walk down the street just for nothing, and you have been the one putting conditions on grace and only seeking companionship with closed fists because you don’t believe that you’re worthy of love if you can’t save someone.
The moment you take responsibility for your life, you realize that your happiness and your peace of mind is your responsibility. And you stop trying to change other people and start changing yourself. You follow through. This is something new to me, but it’s powerful. You follow through. You don’t let your angry brother’s words stop you from being kind to him. Yesterday I started a sincere text conversation with my bro telling him how I felt about certain things. I told him I was upset with him. His first response was to tell me about my behavior and all the bad things I had done. I hadn’t done any of the things he was accusing me of, and in the past, this would have initiated a war of words where I then attack him and we argue about who’s behavior was better than the other and then eventually come to a point where we just shut each other out and say really mean things to each other.
But I started the text out with a peaceful intention. And when I received his angry message, I stopped. For once, I stopped. I didn’t go with the first reaction, which was to destroy and show him! I stopped. I breathed. And I remembered why I had sent out that text. That text was my attempt at peace and honesty and I wasn’t about to change it up because of him. Because in truth, all I wanted was peace and honesty. And the world works like that. Either my will would be done, or my will would be done.
Our problem is, we are not clear about what our will is, and we allow one small interference from the outside to change it up. So my will with brother started out with peace, but I was gonna allow his one statement to change my will and my intention would have been domination and victory. That is not what I wanted from the start, but had I not stopped and reflected that would have been what I wanted by the end…. And then I would have had to try this happily ever after thing again some years later with my bro. Because I will never be satisfied with war between us. We must have our happily ever after…
As Rasha writes in her book Oneness, “a vibrational foundation built on sincere sentiments of well-being for the other party” is the root of peace and harmony.
I’m ready, God. Past relationships are resurfacing and bringing themselves up for review. I am getting so many opportunities for my happily ever afters. I’m glad. I can finally be free of all the heaviness inside of me. I can finally be free…
Day 318
Our Happily Ever Afters
Hey y’all. My hair is falling out. It’s been years since my hair has fallen out. Some time ago, I’d have a little spot that would get thin and fall out every time I got overwhelmed with stress. Well, that spot has been growing hair and my hair has been healthy for a while, but in the past week, it has been falling out.
In another spot. Not the old spot. Needless to say, I have crossed over my stress threshold. Even as I am writing, the energy in my body will not be calm. I’m closing my eyes. Because I need to write and whatever feelings I’m having are not going to stop me this evening. I need to write. This is my therapy, my healing, my clarity and I’ll keep writing until I don’t need to write any more.
Good evening world. You are spinning mighty fast these days. My sis is moving out and the time is about right for my bro to be moving out as well. Tension in the family. Imminent confrontation giving me anxiety. Writing projects moving exponentially fast. Heart feeling weak. Used. Unable yet hopeful. Realizing at last that there is no where in the world to run to, and confrontation is the only way to peace.
Not fighting. Confrontation. Dealing with yourself. Telling the truth. Telling other people the truth. Sometimes it seems like the hardest thing to do. But at this moment in time, truth is literally aching to come out of me. To my brother. To my sister. To my mother. To every single man that I still feel a lingering energetic connection with. I am literally aching to tell the truth. And it’s a bit horrifying. And a bit freeing. The thought of telling the truth and nothing but the truth is a bit freeing. So help me God. Help me, please.
This is another part of it. I realize that I am figuring out the process of transformation through experimentation with my own life. And I know what part of the story this is. This is where the hero sees the big dragon. This is where the story ends for a lot of people. They run away. Start a new book. Or maybe they rush towards the dragon with a sword in their hand and die in battle. Or they hide out and the dragon finds them and swallows them. This is the part where you get to demonstrate all that you are and all you are trying to be.
So, you get to look at all of the issues that you’ve feared. Your disapproving mother. Your heartbreak. Your brother who has abandoned you for so long. The men. The life work that you have wanted to do forever and the possibility of failing at it. Your insecurities and that little monster in your head who always tries to say you’re not good enough. This is the hard part of transformation. The painful part. The part where you will most likely fall apart and something may be lost. This is the part where you must be your own hero.
But being your own hero is not like we see in the movies. It’s not about running out there and slaying a dragon. It’s about you doing and most importantly, being something different. This is important because this is a big deal. Pride and ego always try to step in the way at this point. Fear gets really loud here. I have not had an honest conversation with my brother in years. I have not told him what was on my heart in years. I have not spoken to him from a place of love in years. I have argued. I have yelled. We have debated. Those things are easy. But you see, i have not offered Love. Love. Love. Love. Just Love. In years. I want to tell him all about himself. I want to make him change. I want him to understand all he has done and say sorry and stop it. But mostly, I want Love to be restored.
But I know that most likely, it will not be. I know that I will pour my heart out and be vulnerable and speak from the deepest parts of my heart and he may very well just cut me off in the middle of something I’m saying. Do you see why this is scary? Because my brother has been #2 on the list of people I love most in this world for a while. And he will most likely reject the love that I must express. This is what slaying dragons is about. My sister will most likely not understand anything I have to say and my mother… well, my mother is moved by her own beliefs… The men? They will not Love me (or at least they will not act like they do) no matter what I say or do.
So do you see my predicament? Do you see my fear? Do you see how it is much easier to sit quiet and not write any letters or have any meetings and just pretend that my falling hair is not a result of all of the suppressed words within me? I am afraid of all of the rejection I will face once I speak my heart. I am afraid that once I write my Dear John letters, there will be no one around to call me special. I am afraid that I will go to all these fancy meetings and my books and movies may not be made.
My biggest fears have all surfaced in the course of a week and taken my hair out with them. And yet I know that I am in the midst of the greatest opportunity of my life, God. I am in the midst of an opportunity to see it through. Even though I know that I may fail. Even though I know that I may not be received or loved. Even though I know that once I open my mouth or send a letter, people may be hurt or angry or disappointed. Even though I know that things may not work out, I am in the midst of an opportunity to see Guidance through and for once deliver it as it was given to me. I am in the midst of learning about unconditional Love.
And somehow I feel like I am being given a great gift in this moment. I am being offered the opportunity to let go of every single ounce of pain that has been harbored in me. All of it. I am being offered the opportunity to purify my heart. For real. Completely. I am being given the opportunity to follow through on Guidance. This is the gift of transformation: Follow through. In spite of your anger. In spite of your ego. You have been led to express Love. They may spit on you. You may be reminded of a scar the hurts. But the follow through. The expressing of Love anyway. Oh, it is a sweet gift.
So tonight my hair stops falling out. Tonight I tell the truth. Tonight I become my own hero at last. I will not be deterred by dragons or fear. Ego, you get to rest tonight. I don’t care about being right. There is a heart at stake here. There is a life at stake here. Heck, there is my hair at stake here! I must finally follow through with this love thing. I must save myself at last…
Ameen.
Day 317
The Hero’s Gift (Follow Through)
I’m calling in to work today. There’s a thing that happens in the brain sometimes. With time. You start to realize that time is all you have.
Hearts can heal, money can be remade, and even though you can’t bring people back after they die and leave, with time, you can be ok and even happy with a life without them. But when time has run out, it’s over.
I’m calling in to work today. My brain is changing. Time is running out. My creative projects are moving quickly. It’s that way in the creative world. You work in your room or in some studio or office or coffee shop for months or years developing a project. You can take your time when you’re creating. But once you show it to the world, things move fast. People are ready to go, and you could submit a project on Monday and be working out a deal or contract by Friday. And if you’ve only allotted thirty minutes a day to work on stuff before, well, things must change or you will miss that boat.
Yesterday I felt something I hadn’t felt in some time: excitement. I had a meeting with a potential collaborator on one of my projects. A creative person, talented and accomplished. He was excited about working together and he was a big kid like me. When he started talking about his ideas and his work, he just lit up and I lit up.
And I have work to do on my projects. Because they are moving fast. And going to my nine to five has nothing to do with moving my projects forward, but it pays the bills. And today is the last 8 hours that I can take a paid day off until I accumulate more time. And so I’m gonna take a day off. And I’m gonna make it count.
Allah, my heart is antsy. I have work to do. And I don’t mean finding somewhere that pays well so that I can go in and do something that has no meaning for me forever so that I can have a house and car and fancy clothes. I mean the work that makes me come alive. This “survival only” lifestyle is for the birds.
And so I know my logic brain doesn’t work that well. I have been prone to quitting jobs in a second when I feel like this. I know I’m not supposed to quit this job until I find another source of income that will provide for my living. But this job saps all of my energy. And when I get home, I am so tired and it’s like walking through quicksand to get anything else done. And last night, when I met with someone talented about my project, I saw the grand difference. I was so energized and exciting. It was easy for me to sit around a little longer after our meeting and get work done.
And I see the difference between work and life’s work. And I’d like to do my life’s work now. Show me the way. This is the last day off I have until I go back to busy land. This is my chance to push the reset button and get on track and on course. I feel that feeling that I haven’t felt in a while: alignment. I don’t even know how to explain it, but it is a tingling in your fingers. It is a peace of mind. It is a fearlessness and wanting to do right and good. It is a clarity…
So… I just got interrupted by a phone call. Wow. A friend who went missing calling to tell me she’s ok. I’m glad she’s ok. Her life changed in a day and she’s going through a very challenging ordeal right now. Life can be like that, and sometimes I wonder how fair it is that one person’s life can be falling apart while another’s is falling together. There are too many questions to ask. I’m sorry for my friend. Allah, please look after her and see her through this. Please see her through this. She is a beautiful person with the best of intentions…
I am sitting here thinking that there must be a moment when the striving ends and the arriving begins. You understand? There must be a moment when life becomes like the meeting I had last night. Exciting. Alive. Creative. Good. Purposeful. There must be a time when all debts are paid, all wounds are healed and life is simply about thriving and loving and contributing and receiving. There must be a way for relationships to be nourishing and authentic and supportive and enjoyable. There must be a way for us to survive by doing what we’ve been called to do.
Are you ready? You ask me. Yes, I am. I am ready. The men will try and interfere, but I am finally strong enough in myself to know the difference between who I am and who somebody thinks I am. God thank you so much. I am only just now developing this skill, but I am finally understanding the difference between people working with me, against me, and for them not to care. I am finally learning how to be intentional with my life and my relationships. How to be a giver. How to follow through with inspiration in spite of what may come. And I’m finally interested in surrounding myself with people who see the best in me and people who value me and want to be around me. Oh, there’s such a difference when a man cherishes you. I’m finally interested in that and I know what it feels like, so hopefully I won’t get snared into anymore dis-energizing relationships with men.
I am learning how to be a hyper-sensitive, intuitive woman in a cold-hearted, logical world and be ok. In fact, I am learning to thrive. I am learning how to let go and not try to control everything. I am learning about Trust, God. Real Trust.
I have let go of so much pain and fear and I will continue to let go of it until it is all gone, and it is almost all gone. I can honestly say that I have very few apologies left to give, I have very few people to forgive anymore. My bags are pretty light and my fears now only come from what is ahead, not what is behind.
This stabilization has taken about a year. Exactly a year, actually. Uncanny. My Spirit has finally wrapped itself around this notion of a good life and my mind and body are following. I am a woman now. We are men and women, not cowards. Not children. We get to say, “Peace!” and make it so. We get to build bridges. We get to look inside ourselves and clean up and let go of all that does not serve us and our life’s mission. Heck, we get to decide what our life’s mission is.
Everyone will not lead the way. There will be leaders and followers and I don’t think that we have much choice in the matter. There are born leaders who try to follow and born followers who try to lead and things never work out quite right when people are out of alignment with who they really are.
I take my place, God. My life is all about me, but it has never been all about me. Everything I say, think and do affects everyone I ever interact with and vice versa. We are creating the world for each other as we create our inner worlds for ourselves.
So Yes, Allah, I am ready. I have been cleaning up my inner life for quite some time now and I am ready to take a step further now and come out to the world as intended in my DNA. I start today by focusing on the external “to-do” list at last, and I do my work, my life’s work from a place of Guidance, Stability, Truth, Authenticity, and Love. I do my work from the place in me that longs to Bless and be Blessed. Oh, how I long to Bless and be Blessed. Thank You for everything that has come before this moment, God. I am ready now. I will do the work. I will do the work.
Ameen.
Day 316
The Work
So… about 45 minutes ago I was online and I saw a pic of the woman one of the guys I wanted to be with chose.
I was heartbroken. Don’t get it twisted. I know just because I want to be with someone doesn’t mean they will want me. People have their own tastes. Some like rocky road and some like cookies and cream ice cream.
I’m pretty keen on recognizing when someone likes me and when they don’t, and I don’t even take it personal if they don’t. The thing that really got me about this particular guy, though, is that he appeared to like me a lot. More than the woman he chose. And that’s what’s heartbreaking.
The thing is, though, I’m tired of being heartbroken. It’s just lame now. Sometimes I don’t even want to write this blog because I want to share good things and good things aren’t always passing through my head. I try to be authentic. I don’t want to be one of those people who writes a blog or self-help book pretending like things are always rosy and I’m always optimistic and life always manifests according to my deepest desires.
Sometimes, if you’re a woman like me who feels deeply and falls in love in a day, life doesn’t happen like you imagined it. Life used to always happen like I imagined it, so this is new to me. Because it used to be that I would be sure that a thing would come pass, impossible seeming things, and then they would come to pass. I would see visions of people or places or words and I would act on those visions and then miracles would happen.
But for some months now, I will see visions or be sure about a particular thing and I will act on those visions or inspirations and things will not manifest well. People will not respond in the way I thought. In fact, the exact opposite happens. The one that I believed was my husband chose someone else, and it’s just baffling to me. Did I lose my connection? Do my visions and insights and inspirations mean nothing now? I don’t really know what it all means.
Nonetheless, la vie continue. Wow. I just realize I had a dream last night. The same guy. He had received a group text msg in French. From some girl saying she wanted to sleep with him. Since I speak French, he thought it was me who sent the text. And he sent a very stern group text msg back to me telling me to cut it out. And then when I woke up this morning I see the pic of his girlfriend online. I dreamed of my father last night, too. He was just smiling. My father died years ago for those who don’t know. He was just smiling in my dream, though. I don’t see him in dreams that often. In real life, my father was always smiling and joking. He had a big, big smile. I have his smile when I’m really happy.
Anyway, good day World. Bear with me, okay? I’ll have some inspirational stuff to write soon. I’ve just been letting go of so much lately. A lifetime of hoarded pain, to be honest. I turned in my writing application the other day and I have another deadline tomorrow, but I don’t want to write about that.
I am curious about what it takes to un-break a heart. ‘Cus I think it’s about time to un-break my heart for good, God. I’ve just about had enough of this time in my life. I had a notion that I’d skip countries the other day. Move somewhere where the air is clean and there’s fresh water and green stuff around. Where men are men and women are women.
We take this men and women thing lightly in America. Most of us are grown up children, weak and needy, begging and beseeching, not seeing the power that lies within us, not taking responsibility for our lives, not being good to each other, not leaving people better than the way we found them, but instead draining and killing each other, like children. Me, too. I am a victim and a culprit as well.
As much as I like looking young, I don’t want to be a child anymore. I’m not a child anymore. I’m a Woman. And I’d like to do Woman things now. Bold things. Strong things. Gentle things. Authentic things. Loving things. I would like to leave this world a little better because of me, and I’d like to be made a little better because of the world.
I’d like to Love, God. For real. I know I must start with an un-broken heart and I am ready and willing. I will write a sad blog every single day if I know that eventually it will lead to the light. I will go through the storm. I am not afraid of darkness. Only let me know that any of this is worth it.
This heartbroken thing is at the root of all my other troubles. I know. It is my thing to transcend. I am willing, Allah, but I don’t know how, You see. I don’t know how not to be jealous and hurt when I see a pic of the girlfriend of the man I thought was my husband. I don’t want to settle for a mate that I don’t come alive with.
I know that my heart is un-breaking. I know that I am healing at last, but can We get on with it, please? How long is it going to take before I can Love someone with all of me? How long is it going to take before that same person cherishes me?
My cries are different these days. I see them as part of a healing process instead of a disempowering feeling that takes over my life.
I wanted to give them something, God. I want to give me something. A tool to be used when going through these things. The pain of heartbreak. The pain of not being chosen by one who you thought was “The One”. I wanted to give them something to help un-break and untether and disentangle the heart, so that we can be free to Love again. Because not Loving again is not an option for me.
And You say that in order to Love again, we must Love again.
Ha. We must Love again. And there is much to Love. Your home. Your work. Your body and Soul. Friends. Family. The loss will make you cry, but do not stop there and do not hold people to agreements they never made. Let the tears fall. Let the healing take place and during it all, relax. Breathe. Relax. One day it will not hurt. One day you will be happy for them. It will come sooner than you think. But in order to get there, you must not close up, even in the midst of your sadness. Even as I am crying I know this to be true. Open. Open. Open. Find a thing to love and care for and let a thing love and care for you. Anything that is pure Love.
Just open to it and give it. Open, receive, and give. It’s a practice if you’ve been closed for a while, but it will become a way of life. Open, receive, and give. Let the skin of the past shed. It will shed if you don’t hold on to it. Open, receive, and give. Love. Do not be unintentional about your transformation. This is your life. Open. Let us un-break our hearts at last…
Day 315
Un-breaking a Heart
Hi there. This one won’t be long. I have a writing submission that’s due in three hours and I’m trying to get my mind right before I work on editing these last pieces of a potentially life changing project.
These men on the mind. God, they gon’ have to stop tormenting me. We gon’ have to figure out a way to put an end to all these men issues once and for all. Fear and anxiety rising up in me. The possibly of dreams coming true so near I can taste it in the air. Freaking out in more ways than one. Writer’s block.
Break down coming up in one… two… three… Lord, help me. Wait. I’m not really breaking down. Wait. I’m just panicking, You say. It’s not that serious.
-But it is…
But I’m not really breaking down. This is interesting. I’ve been having a lot of revelations lately, all muddled up. Don’t have words for them yet, but they’re not bad. A good thing is happening. It looks like breakdowns but it’s not. It’s me stepping up and stepping into my own shoes. It’s me being a grown up. I’m pretty awesome.
You say it’s about time for some fine, available guy to recognize that and court me and I agree. You say it’s about time for me to be rich and do this writing thing for real and develop my skills to the max so We can get on with this thing and I agree. You say it’s about time for me to dance in the sun for real and stop with the bullshit and I agree.
You say it’s about time for me to take myself seriously, but not that serious and I agree. I understand. It’s about time for me to dance in the sun. Because it doesn’t end here. I’m not that girl who sits down and tells her grandchildren about all the things I wanted to be. I’m not that woman who doesn’t have grandchildren. I’m not the one to hide out in my fantasies with the dream come true always a step away. I’m just not her.
You tell me there are people rooting for me. I am Rue and every heroine who had the audacity of hope. I am every broken-hearted woman who dared not to be broken. And you say that if I can not make my dream come true for myself, then do it for the kids. And I think I can do it for the kids. I can do it for the kids.
This whole thing, all this psychobabble about having to be perfect and love yourself and have all these things before you are worthy of a dream come true is bunch of baloney. It’s not true. Loving yourself helps. Having stuff helps. Letting all your demons go helps. But none of those are prerequisites. You start where you start.
And maybe you have to start off by doing it for the kids before you can do it for yourself. And that’s okay. In fact, that’s pretty admirable in my book.
So I can’t do it for me yet, God. I don’t know how to Love myself enough to believe I could have all this fabulous dream come true stuff and be in touch with You at the same time. It all just seems so good. Too good…
Stop, You tell me. Don’t carry on with this train of thought.
Be still. Breathe and trust… Breathe and trust… Breathe and trust… This is called Truth in action. For a moment we will not think about results. We will not think about how to solve the problem and why we have the problem in the first place. For a moment, We will Breathe and Trust. Breathe and Trust…
For a moment, let’s not ask why. Let’s just ask what. What is before me to do? For a moment, let’s start with Spirit. What is before me to do?
Woman. Man. For a moment, let’s not be caught up. For a moment, let’s know. Breathe and Trust.
-What is before me to do?
Finish editing this script. No why’s. No “what is going to happen”. No needing to know the future to take a step forward. No needing to understand everything before you move. This is your way, Laydie. This is the way for you. This is your woman way. Breathe and Trust. Sure you’re dreams will come true. Sure the kids are watching. Do it for the kids. But for now, today, let Us master this thing about anxiety once and for all. Breathe and Trust. What is before you to do? You know the answer.
The emotions will rile up. The mind will run rampant. The body may react. Do not feed the chaos. Let it pass through. Breathe. Trust. What is before you to do? Do it. Now. Do it. For the kids.
Day 314
Do It For The Kids (Breathe and Trust)
hownottocryeveryday 