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Day 319 – Beyond Our Understanding

May 20, 2014

Emotions all over the place. I know, what an entry.

Emotions all over the place. Just deleted an entry and starting again. This is an attempt at centering. Feel like I’m being pulled in all kinds of directions. I’m sensitive. I mean, really sensitive. Don’t get weirded out, but sometimes I can feel when people are thinking of me. I’ll call them or text them and they’ll say “Hey. I was just thinking of you.” I can’t tell them, “I know. I felt it,” because then they’ll think I’m super weird, but I know. I felt it.

So tonight I feel a lot of pulling. I’m in the thoughts of a lot of people. And I have my own thoughts and my own unfinished business. So I’m feeling a little un-centered.

And so, dear blog, dear Universe, dear God, dear Everything, this is my attempt at centering. There is a tug of war for my attention and I’m losing right now, but I don’t even want to fight. There must be a way not to fight, God. I know that not fighting is the answer, but how do you not fight and not get swept away into someone else’s agenda? There are men. Exes. They hate me. I probably said something. Did something. I generally don’t do too much. I don’t steal, lie or cheat. I try not to use guys. But I say stuff. I say a lot of stuff. And I leave people who thought I would stay. People who never get left. Or people who always get left. These men are mad at me for not getting with the program, and I do declare, perhaps they are waging an energetic war on me.

I’ve noticed that some people get really mad when you don’t get with the script they’ve written for you, even if you never agreed to play the role.

I’m afraid to go to the other room and tell my brother the things he needs to hear. I’m afraid to deal with my sister and all the issues she’s going through. I’m afraid to talk to my mother (who happens to be calling me right now) and deal with whatever agenda she has now. I’m afraid to completely cut all the ties that bind with all these horrible exes who’s pull I can feel on me nonstop. I am afraid to move forward. I am afraid to sit still. I am afraid of the script meetings that I have this week. I am afraid of the email for an awesome job that I got earlier today. I am afraid of the applications for amazing opportunities that are due soon. I am afraid of my super-kind neighbor whose house is a vortex of peace. I am afraid of all of the attention that I am actually getting from nice guys these days. Sane ones that want to take care of women… Where they do that at? Guys that want to actually get married. Like, for real. They are courting, yes, courting women! Being kind. Listening. Being transparent about who they are. Offering gifts.

And they like me. Me. They think I’m awesome.

And they’re not trying to boss me around. They’re not asking me to turn flips and dance so they can see if I qualify to be in their presence. They think it’s pretty cool that there are things I want to do in the world and they say, “Hey. Let’s stay up late and drink tea while we work on our projects.”

My sis just sent me a text offering to help clean up my apartment this weekend. Just now. I kid you not. Life is changing… And I’m pretty freaking horrified, God.

Things are working out, even in spite of my crazy thoughts and emotions. Even though my exes hate my guts and I don’t do anything my mom says and I told my brother off, things are working out.

But I don’t quite know the formula. Like I don’t know why things are working out even though I’m an emotional wreck. I don’t know why I’m so afraid of everything changing and yet everything is still changing. I don’t know how it is possible that I haven’t effed everything up yet and why my producer believes in me so much. I don’t know what magic wand hit my brother’s head and made him say sorry to me the other day.

All I can say is that there must be a God. There must be something more than me. There must be something bigger than my thoughts and emotions. Because I’m still here. I’m still here. We’re still here. In spite of all of our efforts to sabotage everything. We are still here. People are still forgiving us and helping us and Loving us and saying sorry. Opportunities are still coming our way.

And even though the past torments and tempts and hates, the present and the future still beckon; still keep us warm.

I’m really sorry about all the hearts I’ve broken. I wish I could fix them all. Just push delete and make all of the pain go away. I know I’ve hurt a lot of people. I wish I could make it better and give everyone (including myself) someone awesome to Love and stick with.

And I’m sorry for all of the people who have broken my heart. I’m apologizing for them on my behalf, God. Sorry, Laydie, from all the assholes. Sorry, OK? They didn’t know any better. Some still don’t. Just pray for them. Nothing else helps. You clear the air. You break the negative ties that bind by clearing the air. We are grown ups now, and it’s OK if they never say sorry. One day, years later, maybe in another life or in a dream, they will do like your brother and say sorry when you least expect it. Or maybe they won’t. But you don’t have to wait for them to free yourself. And you don’t have to wait for them to forgive you to stop being heavy laden with guilt.

Look around you. Your life has changed drastically since you started on this journey. Look in your heart and see how much has been lifted. Look at the people around you. You had no idea there was a kind, sane man living across the street from you all these years! And everything is OK. You didn’t go plumb nuts after all. You didn’t starve to death. You didn’t forget your smile… How would you know that fears are only fears had you never faced yours?

Allah, I am in such gratitude. The worst is over. And I don’t mean the worst is over. I know I don’t know what tomorrow may bring and all manner of things may happen. But what I mean is that in my mind, in my heart, in my Spirit, the worst is over because I understand that it doesn’t matter what happens. I understand what it means when they say, “lean not upon your own understanding.” It means that life exists beyond your own understanding. Imagine what life would be like if the only things that were real were the things we understood.

Lean upon the knowledge that life exists beyond your own understanding and then you leave room to see things beyond your present paradigm.

I’m not afraid now. Well, the fear is still there, but it can go. It has my permission to go. Just leave at your own pace, fear. I’m not gonna hold you anymore. And I’m not gonna suppress you and try to act like you don’t exist. I’m not even gonna try and psychoanalyze you. You are here and you may go now. Life exists beyond you. Hope exists in spite of you. And good things happen even in the midst of you.

So this evening I’d like to go beyond my own understanding. I’m going to talk to my brother. All I can do is start with Love. I’m going to send one… at least one of these letters out that I’ve been procrastinating on. I feel vitalized, Allah. I feel encouraged. And I feel grateful. You have centered me in spite of myself. Thank you for this blog. Thank you for this tool to get back to You. Thank you so much. Ameen.

Day 319
Beyond Our Understanding

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