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Day 320 – Saturday Morning (Peace And Transparency)

May 24, 2014

Hi there.

It’s Saturday morning. My favorite time of the week. Somehow I always manage to wake up feeling buzzed on Saturday mornings. I like to linger in it, listen to the birds in the trees… Soak up the feeling of just being at peace. On Saturday mornings, all of life’s dramas take a vacation. Problems just aren’t in my mind.

I Love everyone on Saturday mornings and in my mind, all problems have a happy ending. There is no to-do list. Everybody loves me and we are one.

And then I wake up.

Somebody calls. My brother starts talking in the other room. I come back to the world and realize that all unfinished business is right where I left it: unfinished. I try to avoid talking to people as long as possible, but eventually the Saturday morning bliss fades away. Evaporates. I want to hold onto some of it and take it into my day with me, but it is like clouds and cotton candy. You can’t even remember what it looks like.

The forehead frowns again. The mind turns on. You plug into the world of problems and solutions. What shall I do about the bills? This person needs money. That person is fighting. There is the room to clean. Debts to pay. Talks to have. Oh, I’m supposed to go here and there today and get this and that. Send this email. Make this phone call. Write that letter. I’m going to a party today and it’s supposed to be fun, but I’d rather sit in my room and try to recapture the bliss I had upon waking. I’d rather read a book about spirituality and kiss an open mouth. I’d rather be in Love with anything.

I went to my neighbor’s house the other day. I don’t know if I already wrote about it, but it was so Lovely. It was such an easy time. There were no problems between us. No discordant energy. He was so peaceful and his house was a vortex of peace. I know that he has done a lot of work to get to that place. He has done a lot of cleaning up. He’s pretty gosh darn beautiful, and I’m not talking about in the physical sense. Being around someone with a clean conscience is quite a beautiful thing. His conscience is clean. Like someone who has taken baths in crystal water for the past seven years.

That is where I’m headed. I know. For now, though, I am washing. I have been cleaning up for sometime and the hard grit is finally loosening. I had plaque on my teeth once. It was disgusting because I’m a white-toothed woman. But once upon a time, I lived in an area with really bad water for about a year, and when I left, I realized I had plaque on my teeth. Well, I brushed my teeth every day, but the plaque wasn’t leaving. Then I got a super toothbrush and noticed that my teeth would get a little cleaner. Then I got this little device designed to get the plaque off. It took about two months. I would pick at it and pick at it every day, but the plaque wouldn’t move. Then one day it did. It just came off in one big chunk and my teeth were clean.

That’s where I’m at in my life right now. I’ve been picking and picking at all the muddy stuff for some time. Things have been moving, but they haven’t completely fallen off. Now I’m at the last phase. The huge amounts of emotional density that I have been carrying around for quite some time is about to fall off. And my life is about to be like Saturday mornings. Like my neighbor’s house.

I have carried confusion, heartbreak and chaos around for so long… My forehead has been frowned for so long that a wrinkle is actually forming. And I learned how to be peaceful in my room-cage. But this part of my life has been about learning how to be peaceful amongst men. Out in the world. Doing stuff. Answering the phone. Not running from conflict yet still having peace of mind. I am ready to bid adieu to my long-time pain companions. Adieu, Loves. We have gotten used to each other, but I can’t take you to the other side with me. You would melt in the light…

Do you see how much bravery it takes to be peaceful and happy? I won’t miss you, sad Laydie, but I’m grateful for you. I’m really grateful for you. You have taught me so much compassion. You have opened my heart and taught me about sharing and connecting with people. You have taught me to look outside of myself and see others and be there for others. And you have also taught me to look inside myself and see myself and allow others to be there for me. Mostly, all of this pain, all of this heartache, all of these disappointments have taught me about Love. Not the romantic stuff. The real stuff. The kind of stuff that doesn’t fade in spite of what people do and in spite of what you do to yourself.

The kind of Love that always sees Saturday morning. It is the only thing that keeps this world going. Like Bob Marley said, people are going to hurt you. People are going to disappoint you. What are you going to do about it? What are you going to do about the rest of your life? Peace, Love, Forgiveness and a Clear Conscience are always options. They’re usually not easy, but for me, when I look at the alternative: depression, conflict, my hair falling out, a sense of disconnection, crying all the time, frowned forehead, chaos, constant drama, unfulfilling relationships, unfulfilling life’s work, etc, cultivating a vortex of peace, love, and forgiveness within myself is well worth the effort.

… It’s 11:55 and Saturday morning is fading away. Over the sound of the birds, I hear a loud car on the street. My brother is waiting for us to have our talk, I have to buy a thank you gift for someone, there’s a fantastic party this evening I need to find a fantastic outfit to wear to it… I think to my neighbor J. Peace and transparency, he said. I put on my big girl pants. Saturday morning, I’m taking you with me today.

Day 320

Saturday Morning (Peace and Transparency)

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