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Day 323 – In The Darkness (Do You Want To Live?)

June 10, 2014

Hey.

It’s a tough day. I called in to work and will go in after lunch. I only have four hours left of hooky time or I’d call in all day.

My ex, one of the three who I didn’t know what to do about, emailed me yesterday. I kid you not. Haven’t been in touch with him in months. He emailed yesterday, as I was wondering what to do about him. Asked me to be his mistress. I kid you not.

-_-

I went over my beautiful neighbor’s house last night. He’s lovely. I accidentally saw a pic of the woman he’s courting. He and I are the same race. She isn’t. His ex prior to her wasn’t our race either. I asked him if he doesn’t like girls his race. He got uncomfortable. Should have kept my mouth shut. For the past ten years he has been going overseas and getting in long distance relationships with girls that don’t look like him. Obviously, local girls his race are not his thing…

Sigh…

As deeply depressed as I can be, I spoke with a family member yesterday and realized that I am usually the happiest person in my family.

My job tried to use me as a scapegoat and now they are highly upset and angry to discover that I have a brain and won’t be used as a doormat. I filed a grievance against them, and that’s not so bad. What’s disturbing is my union rep called me yesterday and told me I’d have to potentially be available at the job all summer long. I was planning on quitting next month, taking a summer vacation, and starting a new job in the fall. This is a government job and I don’t want to leave it with an open disciplinary thing on my record… But I wanted to go on vacation.

And my vacation money? Well, I have to pay some outstanding fees to my alma mater immediately so I can get my official diploma if I want to get this new job I applied for. They need an official diploma before they make their decision…

My friends all have bigger problems than I do. They think I’m the happy one…

And so starts the darkness. There are no heroes, God. All my life I have hated being the hero. I was always the one people came to for stuff, as crazy as I am. I remember when my first love cheated on me, secretly married some girl (overseas of course) and made a baby with her. I asked him why he did it. He said he had to. She was weak and needed someone to take care of her, he said. I was strong, he said. I could handle the disappointment of losing the love of my life.

This strong shit has plagued me all my life. I am strong. I can handle being rejected and abandoned. I can deal with being flaked on. I can be alone. I know how to make it in a big city on my own. I don’t need a man or kind words. I can win wars with my apartment or my job. Heck, I can get a new job pronto if anything happens because I am strong and smart. There is no pity for me because I am not pitiful. There are no arms to run to…

God, must I be broken to be Loved? I tried that out, too, and it only works if I stay broken. But I don’t want to be broken. And I don’t want to be weak or strong. I just want to be me. Weak and strong. Just me. All of me. And I want life to be good finally. Is that too much to ask for?

Is this good life only in my head? Because I don’t see it anywhere else. I don’t see girls who look like me being Loved for real. I don’t see people living the life of their dreams and doing their life’s work for real. I see crazy eyes everywhere I look. And disturbance. I see people barely holding it together by the hair of their chinny chin chins. I see lies everywhere. Unspoken resentments and depression run amuck. And every now and then when I find a king or a priest who I can look up to, they just don’t want me.

So I quit, God. Here I am. Sitting in the darkness. With an attitude. I quit. I’m mad at You. Why don’t You save me? Why don’t You be my hero? I am drowning in the darkness. I am tired of swimming. I see myself in an ocean of black oil. Heavy. You have no words for me except, “Do you want to die?”

No.

So I sit in the black oil ocean. It is like that in the darkness. It is not drowning. It is just dirty stagnation. Just sitting in an ocean of black oil. Looking at an ocean of black oil. Others float amongst you. An entire ocean full of dirty souls. Some close their eyes and just go under. Others try to swim, but I can not watch them flailing, knowing the oil is too thick and they will go nowhere. The darkness exists.

What to do about it, God? I am sitting in it and I do not want to die.

Then say you want to live, You tell me. But I can’t say it, because it’s not true. And in the darkness, you have to tell the truth. But that is the only way out, isn’t it? In the darkness, it is not enough to just say you don’t want to die.

You have to want to live. You have to be able to say it in truth. But I can’t say it in truth today. All I can say is I don’t want to die. I don’t even know if this alive stuff is real. It only comes to me in dreams and short moments of life. I am scared to believe in it again. At least I know the darkness is real. I have never sustained the light. How can I believe in it?

Sit with Me in the darkness, You say. No need to make it more or less than what it is. The darkness eats at your skin, so We can not tarry too long. But for now, let us sit in Truth. Let us not fool ourselves. We don’t want to die, but we can not yet say that we believe in life. We can not say that We want to live. We still think that the whole world only consists of our experience of it.

-Do you see the way out, Laydie?

Recognizing that life consists of more than my experience of it. Being honest with myself about what I really believe. Making proactive choices. Saying I want to live.

-Yes. Yes!

But I can’t say I want to live yet.

-Then say something.

I am here, God. I am here. I want to live but I don’t know how. Help me.

– Yes. Yes. And so it is.

And so it is…

Day 323

In the Darkness (Do You Want To Live?)

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From → The Alive Part

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