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Day 315 – Un-breaking a Heart

May 4, 2014

So… about 45 minutes ago I was online and I saw a pic of the woman one of the guys I wanted to be with chose.

I was heartbroken. Don’t get it twisted. I know just because I want to be with someone doesn’t mean they will want me. People have their own tastes. Some like rocky road and some like cookies and cream ice cream.

I’m pretty keen on recognizing when someone likes me and when they don’t, and I don’t even take it personal if they don’t. The thing that really got me about this particular guy, though, is that he appeared to like me a lot. More than the woman he chose. And that’s what’s heartbreaking.

The thing is, though, I’m tired of being heartbroken. It’s just lame now. Sometimes I don’t even want to write this blog because I want to share good things and good things aren’t always passing through my head. I try to be authentic. I don’t want to be one of those people who writes a blog or self-help book pretending like things are always rosy and I’m always optimistic and life always manifests according to my deepest desires.

Sometimes, if you’re a woman like me who feels deeply and falls in love in a day, life doesn’t happen like you imagined it. Life used to always happen like I imagined it, so this is new to me. Because it used to be that I would be sure that a thing would come pass, impossible seeming things, and then they would come to pass. I would see visions of people or places or words and I would act on those visions and then miracles would happen.

But for some months now, I will see visions or be sure about a particular thing and I will act on those visions or inspirations and things will not manifest well. People will not respond in the way I thought. In fact, the exact opposite happens. The one that I believed was my husband chose someone else, and it’s just baffling to me. Did I lose my connection? Do my visions and insights and inspirations mean nothing now? I don’t really know what it all means.

Nonetheless, la vie continue. Wow. I just realize I had a dream last night. The same guy. He had received a group text msg in French. From some girl saying she wanted to sleep with him. Since I speak French, he thought it was me who sent the text. And he sent a very stern group text msg back to me telling me to cut it out. And then when I woke up this morning I see the pic of his girlfriend online. I dreamed of my father last night, too. He was just smiling. My father died years ago for those who don’t know. He was just smiling in my dream, though. I don’t see him in dreams that often. In real life, my father was always smiling and joking. He had a big, big smile. I have his smile when I’m really happy.

Anyway, good day World. Bear with me, okay? I’ll have some inspirational stuff to write soon. I’ve just been letting go of so much lately. A lifetime of hoarded pain, to be honest. I turned in my writing application the other day and I have another deadline tomorrow, but I don’t want to write about that.

I am curious about what it takes to un-break a heart. ‘Cus I think it’s about time to un-break my heart for good, God. I’ve just about had enough of this time in my life. I had a notion that I’d skip countries the other day. Move somewhere where the air is clean and there’s fresh water and green stuff around. Where men are men and women are women.

We take this men and women thing lightly in America. Most of us are grown up children, weak and needy, begging and beseeching, not seeing the power that lies within us, not taking responsibility for our lives, not being good to each other, not leaving people better than the way we found them, but instead draining and killing each other, like children. Me, too. I am a victim and a culprit as well.

As much as I like looking young, I don’t want to be a child anymore. I’m not a child anymore. I’m a Woman. And I’d like to do Woman things now. Bold things. Strong things. Gentle things. Authentic things. Loving things. I would like to leave this world a little better because of me, and I’d like to be made a little better because of the world.

I’d like to Love, God. For real. I know I must start with an un-broken heart and I am ready and willing. I will write a sad blog every single day if I know that eventually it will lead to the light. I will go through the storm. I am not afraid of darkness. Only let me know that any of this is worth it.

This heartbroken thing is at the root of all my other troubles. I know. It is my thing to transcend. I am willing, Allah, but I don’t know how, You see. I don’t know how not to be jealous and hurt when I see a pic of the girlfriend of the man I thought was my husband. I don’t want to settle for a mate that I don’t come alive with.

I know that my heart is un-breaking. I know that I am healing at last, but can We get on with it, please? How long is it going to take before I can Love someone with all of me? How long is it going to take before that same person cherishes me?

My cries are different these days. I see them as part of a healing process instead of a disempowering feeling that takes over my life.

I wanted to give them something, God. I want to give me something. A tool to be used when going through these things. The pain of heartbreak. The pain of not being chosen by one who you thought was “The One”. I wanted to give them something to help un-break and untether and disentangle the heart, so that we can be free to Love again. Because not Loving again is not an option for me.

And You say that in order to Love again, we must Love again.

Ha. We must Love again. And there is much to Love. Your home. Your work. Your body and Soul. Friends. Family. The loss will make you cry, but do not stop there and do not hold people to agreements they never made. Let the tears fall. Let the healing take place and during it all, relax. Breathe. Relax. One day it will not hurt. One day you will be happy for them. It will come sooner than you think. But in order to get there, you must not close up, even in the midst of your sadness. Even as I am crying I know this to be true. Open. Open. Open. Find a thing to love and care for and let a thing love and care for you. Anything that is pure Love.

Just open to it and give it. Open, receive, and give. It’s a practice if you’ve been closed for a while, but it will become a way of life. Open, receive, and give. Let the skin of the past shed. It will shed if you don’t hold on to it. Open, receive, and give. Love. Do not be unintentional about your transformation. This is your life. Open. Let us un-break our hearts at last…

Day 315

Un-breaking a Heart

 

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