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Day 316 – The Work

May 7, 2014

I’m calling in to work today. There’s a thing that happens in the brain sometimes. With time. You start to realize that time is all you have.

Hearts can heal, money can be remade, and even though you can’t bring people back after they die and leave, with time, you can be ok and even happy with a life without them. But when time has run out, it’s over.

I’m calling in to work today. My brain is changing. Time is running out. My creative projects are moving quickly. It’s that way in the creative world. You work in your room or in some studio or office or coffee shop for months or years developing a project. You can take your time when you’re creating. But once you show it to the world, things move fast. People are ready to go, and you could submit a project on Monday and be working out a deal or contract by Friday. And if you’ve only allotted thirty minutes a day to work on stuff before, well, things must change or you will miss that boat.

Yesterday I felt something I hadn’t felt in some time: excitement. I had a meeting with a potential collaborator on one of my projects. A creative person, talented and accomplished. He was excited about working together and he was a big kid like me. When he started talking about his ideas and his work, he just lit up and I lit up.

And I have work to do on my projects. Because they are moving fast. And going to my nine to five has nothing to do with moving my projects forward, but it pays the bills. And today is the last 8 hours that I can take a paid day off until I accumulate more time. And so I’m gonna take a day off. And I’m gonna make it count.

Allah, my heart is antsy. I have work to do. And I don’t mean finding somewhere that pays well so that I can go in and do something that has no meaning for me forever so that I can have a house and car and fancy clothes. I mean the work that makes me come alive. This “survival only” lifestyle is for the birds.

And so I know my logic brain doesn’t work that well. I have been prone to quitting jobs in a second when I feel like this. I know I’m not supposed to quit this job until I find another source of income that will provide for my living. But this job saps all of my energy. And when I get home, I am so tired and it’s like walking through quicksand to get anything else done. And last night, when I met with someone talented about my project, I saw the grand difference. I was so energized and exciting. It was easy for me to sit around a little longer after our meeting and get work done.

And I see the difference between work and life’s work. And I’d like to do my life’s work now. Show me the way. This is the last day off I have until I go back to busy land. This is my chance to push the reset button and get on track and on course. I feel that feeling that I haven’t felt in a while: alignment. I don’t even know how to explain it, but it is a tingling in your fingers. It is a peace of mind. It is a fearlessness and wanting to do right and good. It is a clarity…

So… I just got interrupted by a phone call. Wow. A friend who went missing calling to tell me she’s ok. I’m glad she’s ok. Her life changed in a day and she’s going through a very challenging ordeal right now. Life can be like that, and sometimes I wonder how fair it is that one person’s life can be falling apart while another’s is falling together. There are too many questions to ask. I’m sorry for my friend. Allah, please look after her and see her through this. Please see her through this. She is a beautiful person with the best of intentions…

I am sitting here thinking that there must be a moment when the striving ends and the arriving begins. You understand? There must be a moment when life becomes like the meeting I had last night. Exciting. Alive. Creative. Good. Purposeful. There must be a time when all debts are paid, all wounds are healed and life is simply about thriving and loving and contributing and receiving. There must be a way for relationships to be nourishing and authentic and supportive and enjoyable. There must be a way for us to survive by doing what we’ve been called to do.

Are you ready? You ask me. Yes, I am. I am ready. The men will try and interfere, but I am finally strong enough in myself to know the difference between who I am and who somebody thinks I am. God thank you so much. I am only just now developing this skill, but I am finally understanding the difference between people working with me, against me, and for them not to care. I am finally learning how to be intentional with my life and my relationships. How to be a giver. How to follow through with inspiration in spite of what may come. And I’m finally interested in surrounding myself with people who see the best in me and people who value me and want to be around me. Oh, there’s such a difference when a man cherishes you. I’m finally interested in that and I know what it feels like, so hopefully I won’t get snared into anymore dis-energizing relationships with men.

I am learning how to be a hyper-sensitive, intuitive woman in a cold-hearted, logical world and be ok. In fact, I am learning to thrive. I am learning how to let go and not try to control everything. I am learning about Trust, God. Real Trust.

I have let go of so much pain and fear and I will continue to let go of it until it is all gone, and it is almost all gone. I can honestly say that I have very few apologies left to give, I have very few people to forgive anymore. My bags are pretty light and my fears now only come from what is ahead, not what is behind.

This stabilization has taken about a year. Exactly a year, actually. Uncanny. My Spirit has finally wrapped itself around this notion of a good life and my mind and body are following. I am a woman now. We are men and women, not cowards. Not children. We get to say, “Peace!” and make it so. We get to build bridges. We get to look inside ourselves and clean up and let go of all that does not serve us and our life’s mission. Heck, we get to decide what our life’s mission is.

Everyone will not lead the way. There will be leaders and followers and I don’t think that we have much choice in the matter. There are born leaders who try to follow and born followers who try to lead and things never work out quite right when people are out of alignment with who they really are.

I take my place, God. My life is all about me, but it has never been all about me. Everything I say, think and do affects everyone I ever interact with and vice versa. We are creating the world for each other as we create our inner worlds for ourselves.

So Yes, Allah, I am ready. I have been cleaning up my inner life for quite some time now and I am ready to take a step further now and come out to the world as intended in my DNA. I start today by focusing on the external “to-do” list at last, and I do my work, my life’s work from a place of Guidance, Stability, Truth, Authenticity, and Love. I do my work from the place in me that longs to Bless and be Blessed. Oh, how I long to Bless and be Blessed. Thank You for everything that has come before this moment, God. I am ready now. I will do the work. I will do the work.

Ameen.

Day 316
The Work

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