Skip to content

Day 317 – The Hero’s Gift (Follow Through)

May 12, 2014

Hey y’all. My hair is falling out. It’s been years since my hair has fallen out. Some time ago, I’d have a little spot that would get thin and fall out every time I got overwhelmed with stress. Well, that spot has been growing hair and my hair has been healthy for a while, but in the past week, it has been falling out.

In another spot. Not the old spot. Needless to say, I have crossed over my stress threshold. Even as I am writing, the energy in my body will not be calm. I’m closing my eyes. Because I need to write and whatever feelings I’m having are not going to stop me this evening. I need to write. This is my therapy, my healing, my clarity and I’ll keep writing until I don’t need to write any more.

Good evening world. You are spinning mighty fast these days. My sis is moving out and the time is about right for my bro to be moving out as well. Tension in the family. Imminent confrontation giving me anxiety. Writing projects moving exponentially fast. Heart feeling weak. Used. Unable yet hopeful. Realizing at last that there is no where in the world to run to, and confrontation is the only way to peace.

Not fighting. Confrontation. Dealing with yourself. Telling the truth. Telling other people the truth. Sometimes it seems like the hardest thing to do. But at this moment in time, truth is literally aching to come out of me. To my brother. To my sister. To my mother. To every single man that I still feel a lingering energetic connection with. I am literally aching to tell the truth. And it’s a bit horrifying. And a bit freeing. The thought of telling the truth and nothing but the truth is a bit freeing. So help me God. Help me, please.

This is another part of it. I realize that I am figuring out the process of transformation through experimentation with my own life. And I know what part of the story this is. This is where the hero sees the big dragon. This is where the story ends for a lot of people. They run away. Start a new book. Or maybe they rush towards the dragon with a sword in their hand and die in battle. Or they hide out and the dragon finds them and swallows them. This is the part where you get to demonstrate all that you are and all you are trying to be.

So, you get to look at all of the issues that you’ve feared. Your disapproving mother. Your heartbreak. Your brother who has abandoned you for so long. The men. The life work that you have wanted to do forever and the possibility of failing at it. Your insecurities and that little monster in your head who always tries to say you’re not good enough. This is the hard part of transformation. The painful part. The part where you will most likely fall apart and something may be lost. This is the part where you must be your own hero.

But being your own hero is not like we see in the movies. It’s not about running out there and slaying a dragon. It’s about you doing and most importantly, being something different. This is important because this is a big deal. Pride and ego always try to step in the way at this point. Fear gets really loud here. I have not had an honest conversation with my brother in years. I have not told him what was on my heart in years. I have not spoken to him from a place of love in years. I have argued. I have yelled. We have debated. Those things are easy. But you see, i have not offered Love. Love. Love. Love. Just Love. In years. I want to tell him all about himself. I want to make him change. I want him to understand all he has done and say sorry and stop it. But mostly, I want Love to be restored.

But I know that most likely, it will not be. I know that I will pour my heart out and be vulnerable and speak from the deepest parts of my heart and he may very well just cut me off in the middle of something I’m saying. Do you see why this is scary? Because my brother has been #2 on the list of people I love most in this world for a while. And he will most likely reject the love that I must express. This is what slaying dragons is about. My sister will most likely not understand anything I have to say and my mother… well, my mother is moved by her own beliefs… The men? They will not Love me (or at least they will not act like they do) no matter what I say or do.

So do you see my predicament? Do you see my fear? Do you see how it is much easier to sit quiet and not write any letters or have any meetings and just pretend that my falling hair is not a result of all of the suppressed words within me? I am afraid of all of the rejection I will face once I speak my heart. I am afraid that once I write my Dear John letters, there will be no one around to call me special. I am afraid that I will go to all these fancy meetings and my books and movies may not be made.

My biggest fears have all surfaced in the course of a week and taken my hair out with them. And yet I know that I am in the midst of the greatest opportunity of my life, God. I am in the midst of an opportunity to see it through. Even though I know that I may fail. Even though I know that I may not be received or loved. Even though I know that once I open my mouth or send a letter, people may be hurt or angry or disappointed. Even though I know that things may not work out, I am in the midst of an opportunity to see Guidance through and for once deliver it as it was given to me. I am in the midst of learning about unconditional Love.

And somehow I feel like I am being given a great gift in this moment. I am being offered the opportunity to let go of every single ounce of pain that has been harbored in me. All of it. I am being offered the opportunity to purify my heart. For real. Completely. I am being given the opportunity to follow through on Guidance. This is the gift of transformation: Follow through. In spite of your anger. In spite of your ego. You have been led to express Love. They may spit on you. You may be reminded of a scar the hurts. But the follow through. The expressing of Love anyway. Oh, it is a sweet gift.

So tonight my hair stops falling out. Tonight I tell the truth. Tonight I become my own hero at last. I will not be deterred by dragons or fear. Ego, you get to rest tonight. I don’t care about being right. There is a heart at stake here. There is a life at stake here. Heck, there is my hair at stake here! I must finally follow through with this love thing. I must save myself at last…

Ameen.

Day 317

The Hero’s Gift (Follow Through)

Advertisements
Leave a Comment

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: