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Day 321 – Grow Up (Just A Little)

June 2, 2014

Let’s try again. This is a blog rewrite. Sometimes I have to get all the confusion and pain out first before I have something I can give to the world.

Today I want to talk about Love and Aloneness. I experienced aloneness this weekend. On purpose. I decided to do an experiment and face my greatest fear: this alone thing. It was horrible but I survived.

I learned that there is a difference between spending time with people out of a need to fill a space and spending time with people just because you like their company. I let my lonely heart break at last and found that this lonely thing was not my heart at all, but a shell covering up so much truth.

My heart is not lonely at all.

I want to tell you something. This transformation stuff is not easy. In fact, it’s downright hard at times. You cry and your heart breaks and your body does all kinds of crazy things that you don’t understand and sometimes your head hurts or your energy is gone. And long periods may pass where you don’t see any progress, or even where it may seem like things are going backwards.

People who you thought would be on your journey may not join you. In fact they may even talk about you or betray you or just do something downright mean on purpose. You may be rejected over and over again.

And one day you may find yourself sitting at a park alone, like I was this weekend. Without a man to have a crush on. Without a hand to hold. The one person who understands and loves you may have a commitment to someone else. And you will ache. You will look at yourself and your life and realize that this life you are living looks nothing like the life of your dreams.

If you are lucky, you will see your bitter places. Your pride. Your cowardice. If you stay awhile, you will acknowledge that the some decision you just made is in no way in support of the life you would like to have. You will all the ways you have blamed everyone and all the ways you have asked for so much that you never gave.

And you will grow up. Just a little bit. Instead of breaking down.

The medicine is not always sweet, but it will heal.

I look back on this past year. The year of survival. Well, at least I made it out of desperation. The loss of Dream Lover was quite a blow. Going from my dream life to having absolutely nothing and starting from scratch alone was pretty hard. It broke my heart. He broke my heart. I’ve never said that out loud. The loss of Dream Lover broke my heart, or so I thought.

But as I sat at the park this weekend all alone, I realized something. My heart was not broken. It had scabbed up, like any other injury. There was all this calloused stuff all around it, but that wasn’t my heart. I mean, it was, at one point, but now it was just a dead shell. I had been holding on to it, thinking it was me. And this weekend, I let it go. I just let it fall off.

All this disappointment. All this heavyness. I just let it fall off my heart. Really I didn’t do it intentionally. I just didn’t want to carry it anymore. I wanted my life back. I wanted my love back. And God whispered in words of the soul, let go of all that is not you.

And I did.

And my heart lives. Underneath all of that, my heart beats strong. And I see now that life goes on if you let it.

I wish I could put into words this feeling that I have right now. I wish I could make you understand. You will not believe me until I tell you I’m a millionaire and post a pic of my husband and kids and bestselling whatever. You will not believe me until I’m on some talk show or giving some speech somewhere, but I’m telling you what I know now, and I think that’s the trick.

You have to know it first. Oh, God and life will help you out tenfold, but you have to at least be willing to know that life goes on. You have to be willing to let go of your misery and not be so caught up in trying to prove whoever right or wrong. All you have to do is be willing to grow just a little, to live just a little, to forgive just a little, to love just a little, to open just a little, to let go just a little, to try just a little. And no matter what happens, because everything will happen, be willing to see your dream come true anyway.

The devil is a thief and a liar. This world will have you believing that you have to change everything and everyone but yourself in order for your life to change, but it’s not true. You’re gonna have to do some growing, baby. Stop running already. Stop blaming. Stop sticking to everything that never challenges you. I dare you to Love again. I dare you to Dream again. I dare you to think about this thing we call Life and then do something about yours. I dare you to let somebody Love you. I dare you to see a human being for all of their goodness even if they have hurt you. I dare you to set a heart-felt, inspired intention and then follow it all the way through to fruition even if someone discourages you along the way. I dare you to get over yourself and realize that everything you do and don’t do affects everyone you interact with. I dare you to realize that life is bigger than your thoughts about it. I dare you to grow, just a little.

Please, let’s grow. Just a little. We’ll thank ourselves later…

Day 321

Grow Up (Just A Little)

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