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Day 314 – Do It For The Kids (Breathe and Trust)

May 1, 2014

Hi there. This one won’t be long. I have a writing submission that’s due in three hours and I’m trying to get my mind right before I work on editing these last pieces of a potentially life changing project.

These men on the mind. God, they gon’ have to stop tormenting me. We gon’ have to figure out a way to put an end to all these men issues once and for all. Fear and anxiety rising up in me. The possibly of dreams coming true so near I can taste it in the air. Freaking out in more ways than one. Writer’s block.

Break down coming up in one… two… three… Lord, help me. Wait. I’m not really breaking down. Wait. I’m just panicking, You say. It’s not that serious.

-But it is…

But I’m not really breaking down. This is interesting. I’ve been having a lot of revelations lately, all muddled up. Don’t have words for them yet, but they’re not bad. A good thing is happening. It looks like breakdowns but it’s not. It’s me stepping up and stepping into my own shoes. It’s me being a grown up. I’m pretty awesome.

You say it’s about time for some fine, available guy to recognize that and court me and I agree. You say it’s about time for me to be rich and do this writing thing for real and develop my skills to the max so We can get on with this thing and I agree. You say it’s about time for me to dance in the sun for real and stop with the bullshit and I agree.

You say it’s about time for me to take myself seriously, but not that serious and I agree. I understand. It’s about time for me to dance in the sun. Because it doesn’t end here. I’m not that girl who sits down and tells her grandchildren about all the things I wanted to be. I’m not that woman who doesn’t have grandchildren. I’m not the one to hide out in my fantasies with the dream come true always a step away. I’m just not her.

You tell me there are people rooting for me. I am Rue and every heroine who had the audacity of hope. I am every broken-hearted woman who dared not to be broken. And you say that if I can not make my dream come true for myself, then do it for the kids. And I think I can do it for the kids. I can do it for the kids.

This whole thing, all this psychobabble about having to be perfect and love yourself and have all these things before you are worthy of a dream come true is bunch of baloney. It’s not true. Loving yourself helps. Having stuff helps. Letting all your demons go helps. But none of those are prerequisites. You start where you start.

And maybe you have to start off by doing it for the kids before you can do it for yourself. And that’s okay. In fact, that’s pretty admirable in my book.

So I can’t do it for me yet, God. I don’t know how to Love myself enough to believe I could have all this fabulous dream come true stuff and be in touch with You at the same time. It all just seems so good. Too good…

Stop, You tell me. Don’t carry on with this train of thought.

Be still. Breathe and trust… Breathe and trust… Breathe and trust… This is called Truth in action. For a moment we will not think about results. We will not think about how to solve the problem and why we have the problem in the first place. For a moment, We will Breathe and Trust. Breathe and Trust…

For a moment, let’s not ask why. Let’s just ask what. What is before me to do? For a moment, let’s start with Spirit. What is before me to do?

Woman. Man. For a moment, let’s not be caught up. For a moment, let’s know.¬† Breathe and Trust.

-What is before me to do?

Finish editing this script. No why’s. No “what is going to happen”. No needing to know the future to take a step forward. No needing to understand everything before you move. This is your way, Laydie. This is the way for you. This is your woman way. Breathe and Trust. Sure you’re dreams will come true. Sure the kids are watching. Do it for the kids. But for now, today, let Us master this thing about anxiety once and for all. Breathe and Trust. What is before you to do? You know the answer.

The emotions will rile up. The mind will run rampant. The body may react. Do not feed the chaos. Let it pass through. Breathe. Trust. What is before you to do? Do it. Now. Do it. For the kids.

Day 314

Do It For The Kids (Breathe and Trust)

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